What Light

CHAPTER TWENTY

On my lunch break I go to the trailer and hide the red box beneath a pillow on my bed. I remove the picture of Caleb and me tucked against the window seam and slip the tickets between the photo and the cardboard backing.

Before I lose my courage, I find Dad and ask him to take another walk with me. I’ve been stewing about this long enough. I help him strap a tree to a customer’s car and then we walk away from the lot together.

“I need you to reconsider this,” I tell him. “You say it’s not all about Caleb’s past, and I believe you.”

“Good, because—”

I interrupt him. “You said it’s also because we have less than a week left and I’m falling for him. And you’re right, I am,” I say. “I know that makes you uncomfortable for a million reasons, but I also know you wouldn’t say anything about it if you couldn’t use his past as an excuse.”

“I don’t know, maybe, but I still—”

“And while that makes me so mad because it’s not fair to Caleb, you’re forgetting about the one person who should be the most important part of this for you.”

“Sierra, you’re all I’m thinking about here,” he says. “Yes, it’s hard watching my baby girl fall in love. And yes, it’s hard to block out his past. But more than anything, honey, I can’t stand by and watch you get your heart broken.”

“Shouldn’t that be my decision?” I say.

“Yes, if you can take everything into account.” He stops walking and looks out to the street. “Your mother and I haven’t said this to each other yet, but we both know it. It’s almost certain we’re not coming back next year.”

I touch his arm. “I am so sorry, Dad.”

Still facing the street, he puts an arm around me, and I lean my head against his chest. “Me too,” he says.

“So you’re mostly worried about how I’m going to feel leaving,” I say.

He looks down at me, and I know I am the most important part of this to him. “You can’t understand how hard that will be,” he says.

“Then tell me,” I say. “Because you know. What did you feel when you first met Mom and then had to leave?”

“It was awful,” he says. “A couple of times I thought we weren’t going to make it. We even took a break and dated other people for a while. That damn near killed me.”

My next question is what I’ve been building to. “And was it worth it?”

He smiles at me and then turns to look back at our lot. “Of course it was.”

“Well then,” I say.

“Sierra, your mom and I had both been in serious relationships before. This is your first time being in love.”

“I never said I was in love!”

He laughs. “You don’t have to say it.”

We both look out at the cars, and I pull his arm tighter around me.

He looks down at me and sighs. “Your heart is going to break in a few days,” he says. “It will. But I won’t make it hurt more by taking away the next few days with him.”

I hug both of my arms around him and tell him that I love him.

“I know,” he whispers back. “And you know that your mom and I will be here to help put your heart back together.”

With his arm around my shoulder, and my arm hugging his side, we walk back to the lot.

“I need you to consider one thing,” he says. “Think about how this season will end for the two of you. Because it will. So don’t ignore it.”

When he joins Mom in the Bigtop, I run to the trailer and call Caleb.

“Get over here and buy a tree,” I say. “I know you have deliveries to make.”

It’s dark by the time I see Caleb pull into the parking area. Luis and I carry a big, heavy tree toward his truck.

“I hope this fits wherever you’re going,” Luis says.

Caleb hops out and runs back to lower the tailgate. “That one might be out of my price range,” he says, “even with a discount.”

“No,” I say, “because it’s free.”

“It’s a gift from her parents,” Luis says. “They’re taking a nap at the moment, so—”

“I’m right here, Luis,” I say. “I can tell him.”

Luis blushes and then heads back to the lot, where a customer waits to have her tree netted. Caleb, meanwhile, looks confused.

“My dad and I had a talk,” I say.

“And?”

“And they trust me,” I tell him. “They also love what you do with their trees, so they want to donate this one to the cause.”

He looks toward the trailer and a faint smile appears. “I guess when we get back you can let them know whether their donation fit.”

After we deliver the tree, which barely fits—and the five-year-old freaks with excitement—Caleb drives us to Cardinals Peak. He parks in front of the metal gate and unlocks his door.

“Wait here and I’ll open it up,” he says. “We can drive to the top and, if you don’t mind, I’d love to finally see your trees.”

“Then turn off the engine,” I say. “We’re hiking up.”

He leans forward to look up the hill.

“What, are you afraid of a little night hike?” I tease. “I’m sure you have a flashlight, right? Please don’t tell me you drive a truck but don’t have a flashlight!”

“Yes,” he says, “in fact, I do have one of those.”

“Perfect.”

He backs his truck onto a grass-and-dirt patch on the side of the street and grabs a flashlight from the glove box. “There’s only one,” he says. “I hope you’re okay standing close.”

“Oh, if we must,” I say.

He hops out of the truck, walks over to my side, and opens the door. We both zip up our jackets while looking at the tall silhouette of Cardinals Peak.

“I love coming out here,” I say. “Every time I hike up this hill, I think… I get this feeling like… that my trees are a deep personal metaphor.”

“Wow,” Caleb says. “That might be the most profound thing I’ve heard you say yet.”

“Oh, shut it,” I say. “Give me that flashlight.”

He hands me the light but keeps on going. “Seriously. Do you mind if I use that at school? My English teacher will love it.”

I nudge him with my shoulder. “Hey, I was raised on a Christmas tree farm. I’m allowed to get sentimental about it even if I can’t express myself.”

I love how Caleb and I can tease each other and it feels like no big deal. The hard things are still there—we can’t avoid a day on the calendar—but we have found a way to appreciate each other right now.

It’s colder tonight than when Heather and I came here on Thanksgiving. Caleb and I don’t say much on the way up; we simply enjoy the coolness in the air and the warmth of our touch. Before the final turn of the hill, I lead him off the road with the flashlight and into knee-high brush. Without complaint, he follows me out several yards.

The crescent moon casts deep shadows on this side of the hill. Where the brush clears, I slowly move the flashlight across my trees, capturing one or two at a time within the narrow beam.

Caleb steps beside me and puts an arm around my shoulders, gently bringing our bodies together. When I look at him, he’s looking out at the trees. He lets go of me and walks into my little farm, looking so happy as he glances between them and me.

“They’re beautiful,” he says. He leans close and breathes in one of the trees. “Just like Christmas.”

“And they look like Christmas because Heather hikes up every summer to shear them,” I say.

“They don’t grow wild like this?”

“Not all of them,” I say. “Dad likes to tell people we all need a little help getting in the spirit.”

“Your family likes metaphors,” Caleb says. He walks behind me and wraps me in a hug, letting his chin rest on my shoulder.

We quietly look at the trees together for several minutes.

“I love them,” he tells me. “They’re your little tree family.”

I lean to the side and look him in the eyes. “Now who’s being sentimental?”

“Have you ever thought of decorating them?” he asks.

“Heather and I did that once—in the most eco-friendly way possible, of course. We used pinecones and berries and flowers, plus some stars we bought made of birdseed and honey.”

“You brought gifts for the birdies?” he says. “Very cute.”

We climb back through the brush, and I turn around to admire my trees once more—probably the last time I’ll see them before I leave. I hold Caleb’s hand, not knowing how many more chances I’ll get to do this in my life. He points away, toward my family’s tree lot. From up here it looks like a small, softly lit rectangle. The lampposts and snowflakes that link between the trees brighten their deep green. There’s the Bigtop and the silver trailer. I can see bodies move between the trees, a mix of customers, workers, and maybe Mom and Dad. Caleb slides behind me again and wraps me in his arms.

This is home, I think. Down there… and right here.

He runs his hand down my arm that holds the flashlight, and then moves the beam of light slowly across my trees. “I’m counting five,” he says. “I thought you said there were six.”

My heart stops. I move the flashlight back across my trees. “One, two…” My heart shatters when I stop at five. I run back through the brush, sweeping the beam rapidly back and forth along the ground ahead of me. “It’s the first one! The big one.”

Caleb walks toward me through brush. Before he reaches me, he knocks his foot against something solid. I shine the light at his feet and then clasp a hand over my mouth. I kneel onto the soil beside the stump, which is all that remains of my oldest tree. At the top of the cut are small beads of dried sap.

Caleb kneels beside me. He takes the flashlight from me and holds both of my hands. “Someone fell in love with it,” he says. “It’s probably in their home now, all decorated and beautiful. It’s like a gift that—”

“It was a gift for me to give,” I say. “Not for someone to take.”

He eases me to my feet and I rest my cheek against his shoulder. After several minutes like this, we begin our walk back down the road. We walk slowly and say nothing. He gently guides me around any holes and rocks.

Then he stops, peering a few feet off the side of the road. I follow his gaze as he steps toward it. The flashlight illuminates the dark green of my tree, tossed on its side and left drying in the brush.

“They just left it here?” I say.

“I guess your tree put up a fight.”

I slump down and don’t bother holding back my tears. “I hate whoever did this!”

Caleb moves next to me and rests a hand on my back. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t tell me it’ll be all right or judge me for how worked up I am over a tree. He simply understands.

Eventually, I get up. He brushes the tears from my face and looks me in the eyes. He still doesn’t speak, but I know he’s with me.

“I wish I could explain why I’m acting like this,” I say, but he closes his eyes and then I close mine, and I know I don’t need to.

I look at the tree again. Whoever saw it up there, they thought it looked so beautiful. They thought they could make it more beautiful. And they tried, they really wanted it, but it was too much for them.

So they left it.

“I don’t want to be here,” I say.

Caleb walks behind me, aiming the light at my feet as I lead us away.

When Heather calls to see if she can hang out at the lot, I tell her about the tree on Cardinals Peak and that I may not be the best company. Because she knows me well, she comes right over. She tells me I’ve been a “tree-delivering ghost” this year and she’s sad we haven’t spent as much time together. I remind her that whenever I’ve had an hour or two free, she’s been with Devon.

“So much for Operation Ditch the Boyfriend,” I say.

Heather helps me restock the drink station. “I suppose I never really wanted to ditch him, I just wanted him to be a better boyfriend. We started off so great but then he got… I don’t know…”

“Complacent?”

She rolls her eyes. “Sure. We’ll use one of your words.”

I catch her up on all the drama with Andrew and Dad, and how it required two talks to get my parents to understand why it isn’t an option to not see Caleb in the time we have left.

“Look at my girl putting her foot down,” Heather says. She takes my hand and squeezes it. “I still hope you come back next year, Sierra. But if not, I’m glad this one’s turning out the way it is.”

“I guess so,” I say. “But did it have to get so bumpy?”

“Well, now it means so much more,” she says. “Take me and Devon. He got complacent, right? Every day was the same thing and so boring. I was considering breaking up with him and then that Snow Queen thing happened. It caused tension, but then he gave me my perfect day. Where we are now, we earned this. And you and Caleb definitely earned these next few days.”

“I think we’ve earned enough for the next few years,” I say. “And Caleb’s earned enough for a lifetime.”

An hour later, Heather leaves to work on her surprise gift for Devon. The rest of the day moves slowly with customers trickling in. I count out the register at night and put everything away that needs to be locked up.

Mom walks over as I flip the switch to turn off the snowflake lights. “Dad and I would like to take you out to dinner,” she says.

We drive to Breakfast Express, and when we enter the packed train car, Caleb is filling a man’s coffee a few tables away. Without looking up, he says, “Be with you in a minute.”

“Take your time,” Dad says, smiling.

Caleb must be exhausted. He looks straight at us for several steps before he registers who we are. At that, he laughs and then grabs a few menus.

“You look tired,” I say.

“One guy called in sick so I came in early,” he says. “At least that means more tips.”

We follow him to an empty booth near the kitchen. After we sit, he sets down our napkins and silverware.

“I can probably buy two trees tomorrow,” he says. “People are still buying trees, right? Even though it’s so close to Christmas?”

“We’re still open,” Dad tells him. “But not as busy as you look here.”

Caleb leaves to get us some waters. I watch him walk away looking a bit frantic but completely adorable. When I glance across the table, Dad’s shaking his head at me.

“You’re going to have to learn to ignore your father,” Mom says. “That’s how I put up with him.”

Dad gives Mom a peck on the cheek. Twenty years in, she knows how to shut him down when he’s being ridiculous, but in a way that he loves.

“Mom, did you ever want to do anything besides work on the farm?” I ask.

She gives me a quizzical look. “It’s not what I went to college for, if that’s what you mean.”

Caleb returns with three waters and three wrapped straws. “Do you know what you’d like?”

“I am so sorry,” Mom says. “We haven’t even looked at our menus yet.”

“Don’t worry, that’s actually perfect,” Caleb says. “There’s a lovely couple—I’m being sarcastic—who apparently need more of my attention.”

He darts off, and Mom and Dad pick up their menus.

“But do you ever have days when you wonder?” I ask. “What would your life have been like if it didn’t entirely revolve around a holiday?”

Mom puts her menu down and studies me. “Do you regret this, Sierra?”

“No,” I say, “but it’s all I’ve known. You at least had some normal Christmases before you got married. You have something to compare it to.”

“I have never regretted the life I chose,” Mom says. “And it was my choice, so I can be proud of that. I chose this life with your dad.”

“It’s been an interesting life, that’s for sure,” Dad says.

I pretend to read the menu. “It’s been an interesting year.”

“And there are only a few days left,” Mom says. When I glance up, she’s looking sorrowfully at Dad.

The next afternoon, Caleb’s truck pulls up to the lot with Jeremiah in the passenger seat. The way they get out laughing and talking, they look like two guys who’ve never had a painful gap in their friendship.

Luis walks up to them and takes off a work glove to shake their hands. They all chat briefly before Caleb and Jeremiah head to the Bigtop.

“Lot girl!” Jeremiah says, offering me a fist bump. “My boy says you may need extra help pulling this place down on Christmas. Where do I sign up?”

“Won’t you have plans with your family?” I ask.

“We do all our presents Christmas Eve before mass,” he says. “Then we sleep in and watch football all day. But I kind of owe you one, you know?”

I look between the two of them. “So everything’s okay here?”

Jeremiah looks down. “My parents don’t exactly know where I am right now. Cassandra’s covering for me.”

“She’s covering on one condition,” Caleb says. He looks at me. “On New Year’s Eve this guy’s the designated driver for the entire cheer squad.”

Jeremiah laughs. “It’s a tough job, but I’m up for it.” He starts walking backward away from us. “I’m going to find your dad to ask about teardown.”

“What about you?” I say to Caleb. “Are you going to help us tear the place down?”

“I’d spend the day here if I could,” he says, “but we have traditions I wouldn’t feel good about leaving. You can understand, right?”

“Of course. And I’m glad you can all be together,” I say. Even though I mean it, I won’t be glad to see Christmas morning come. “If you can find any time to duck out, I’ll be at Heather’s for a little while, exchanging gifts with her and Devon.”

He smiles, but his eyes mirror the same sadness I feel. “I’ll make it work.”

While we wait for Jeremiah to return, neither one of us knows what else to say. Leaving feels so real now… and so soon. A couple of weeks ago it felt like this day was far away. We had time to see what could happen and how far we could fall. Now it feels like it all happened too late.

Caleb takes my hand and I follow him around to the back of the trailer, away from anyone. Before I can ask what we’re doing, we’re kissing. He’s kissing me and I kiss him like it could be the last time. I can’t stop wondering if this is the last time.

When he pulls back, his lips are deep red and a little swollen. Mine feel the same. He holds the side of my face and we press our foreheads together.

“I’m sorry I can’t help on Christmas,” he says.

“We only have a few days,” I tell him. “I don’t know what we’re going to do.”

“Come with me to the candlelight service,” he says. “The one Abby told you about.”

I hesitate. I haven’t been to church in forever. It seems like on Christmas Eve he should be surrounded by people who believe what he believes and who feel what he feels.

His dimple returns. “I want you there. Please?”

I smile back at him. “Okay.”

He starts to return to the lot, but I grab his hand and pull him back. He raises an eyebrow. “What do you need now?”

“Today’s vocab word,” I say. “Or are you done trying to impress me?”

“I can’t believe you doubt me,” he says. “Truth is, I’m really getting into these weird words. Like today’s, it’s diaphanous.”

I blink. “Another one I don’t know.”

He raises his arms in the air. “Yes!”

“Okay, that may be the word,” I say, cocking an eyebrow, “but what does it mean?”

He cocks an eyebrow right back. “It’s something delicate, or translucent. Wait, you know what translucent means, right?”

I laugh and drag him out of hiding.

Luis waves us down and comes jogging over. “The guys and I picked out a perfect tree for you,” he tells Caleb. It’s been great to see Luis become part of the lot family. “We just finished putting it in your truck.”

“Thanks, man,” Caleb says. “Give me the tag and I’ll pay for it.”

Luis shakes his head. “No, we got this one.”

Caleb looks at me, but I have no idea what’s going on.

“Some of the baseball guys, they think it’s cool what you’re doing,” Luis says. “And so do I. We figured we could kick in a few bucks from our tips and buy this one.”

I nudge Caleb with my shoulder. His good deeds are becoming contagious.

Luis looks at me, a little nervous. “Don’t worry, we didn’t use the employee discount.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that,” I say.