What Light

CHAPTER FIVE

With my eyes still closed, I hear Mom and Dad shut the door as they leave the trailer. I roll onto my back and take a deep breath. A few extra moments are all I want. Once I get out of bed, the days will tumble forward like dominoes.

On opening day, Mom always wakes up ready to go. I’m much more like Dad, and I can hear his heavy boots on the dirt outside, shuffling toward the Bigtop. Once there, he’ll plug in a large silver urn of coffee and one of hot water, and then arrange the packets of tea and powdered chocolate that we put out for customers. The first hot drops of coffee will be poured into his thermos, though.

I pull the tube-shaped pillow from under my head and hug it against my chest. After Heather’s mom competes in the ugly Christmas sweater contest, which she’s won twice in the past six years, she cuts off the sleeves and makes them into bolster pillows. She sews up the cuff end, stuffs the sleeve with cotton, and then sews up the other end. She keeps one sleeve for her family and the other one goes to me.

I hold the one I got last night at arm’s length above me. It’s a mossy green fabric with a dark blue rectangle where the elbow was. Within that rectangle, snowflakes fall around a flying purple-nosed reindeer.

I cuddle the pillow tight and close my eyes again. Outside, I hear someone moving toward the trailer.

“Is Sierra around?” Andrew asks.

“Not right now,” Dad says.

“Oh, okay,” Andrew says. “I figured we could work together and get things done faster.”

I squeeze the pillow even tighter. I do not need Andrew waiting outside for me.

“I believe she’s still sleeping,” Dad says. “But if you need something to do by yourself, double-check the outhouses for hand sanitizer.”

That’s my dad!

I stand outside the Bigtop, still not fully awake but ready to welcome our first customers of the year. A father and his daughter, who’s maybe seven years old, step out of their car. Already scanning the trees, he places a gentle hand on her head.

“I always love this smell,” the father says.

The girl takes a step forward, her eyes full of sweet innocence. “It smells like Christmas!”

It smells like Christmas. This is what so many people say when they first arrive, as if the words were waiting to be spoken the entire drive over.

Dad appears from between two noble firs on his way to the Bigtop, probably hoping for more coffee. First, he greets the family and tells them to let any of us know if we can help. Andrew, in a tattered Bulldogs baseball cap, walks by with a watering hose draped over his shoulder. He tells the family he’ll be happy to carry a tree to their car when they’re ready. He doesn’t even glance in at me—thanks to Dad—and I bite down on a grin.

“Is your cash drawer ready?” Dad asks, refilling his thermos.

I walk behind the checkout counter, which has been draped in shiny red garland and fresh holly. “Just waiting to see what the first sell will be.”

Dad hands me my favorite mug, painted with pastel squiggles and stripes like an Easter egg (I figure there should be something around here that’s not Christmassy). I pour in some coffee and then tear open a packet of powdered chocolate and dump it in. Then I unwrap a small peppermint candy cane and use it to mix it all together.

Dad leans his back against the counter, surveying the merchandise in the Bigtop. He points his thermos at the snow-white trees he finished spraying this morning. “Do you think we have enough of these for now?”

I lick chocolate powder from the thinning candy cane and then drop it back into the mug. “We have plenty,” I say, and then I take my first sip. It may taste like a cheap peppermint mocha, but it works.

Eventually, that first father and daughter come into the Bigtop and stop at the cash register.

I lean over the counter toward the little girl. “Did you find a tree you like?”

She nods enthusiastically, a tooth adorably missing from the top of her smile. “A huge one!”

It’s our first sale of the year and I can’t suppress my excitement, along with a deep-rooted hope that we’ll do well enough this year to justify at least one more.

The father slides a tree tag across the counter to me. Behind him, I can see Andrew pushing their tree, trunk first, through the open end of a large plastic barrel. At the other end is a screen of red-and-white netting. Dad grabs the trunk and pulls the rest of the tree out with the netting, which unfurls and wraps around the branches. Once through, the branches are all folded safely upward. Dad and Andrew twist the tree in the netting, cut the end free, and tie a knot at the top. The process is similar to how Heather’s mom stuffs her sweater sleeves to make pillows, except way less ugly.

I ring up our first tree and wish them both a “Merry Christmas!”

At lunch, my legs are tired and achy from loading trees and standing behind the register for hours on end. In a few days, I’ll be more used to this, but today I’m grateful when Heather shows up holding a bag of Thanksgiving leftovers. Mom shoos us off into the Airstream, and the first thing Heather does when we sit at the table is open the curtains wide.

She lifts her eyebrows at me. “Just improving the view.”

As if on cue, two guys from the baseball team walk by carrying a large tree on their shoulders.

“You have no shame.” I unwrap a turkey-and-cranberry sandwich. “Remember, you’re still with Devon until after Christmas.”

She pulls up her feet to sit cross-legged on the bench, also known as my bed, and unwraps her own sandwich. “He called last night and went into this twenty-minute story about going to the post office.”

“So he’s not a great conversationalist,” I say. I take the first bite of my sandwich and practically hum when the Thanksgiving flavors hit my tongue.

“You don’t understand. He told me that same story last week and it was just as pointless then.” When I laugh, she throws her hands in the air. “I’m serious! I don’t care about that grumpy old lady in front of him trying to ship a box of oysters to Alaska. Would you?”

“Would I ship oysters to Alaska?” I lean forward and tug at the end of her hair. “You’re being mean.”

“I’m being honest. But if you want to talk about mean,” she says, “you dumped that one guy because he liked you too much. Talk about soul crushing.”

“Mason? That’s because he was needy!” I say. “He talked about taking a train ride down here to visit me for the holidays. That was at the beginning of summer, and we’d only been dating a few weeks.”

“It’s kind of sweet,” Heather says. “He already knew he couldn’t do without you for a month. I could definitely use a break from Devon’s stories for a month.”

When Heather first started dating Devon, she was infatuated with him, and that was only a couple of months ago.

“Anyway,” she says, “that’s why we need to go on double dates while you’re here. It can be casual; you don’t need to fall in love or anything.”

“Well, that’s good to know,” I say. “Thank you.”

“But at least I’d have someone else to talk to,” she says.

“I don’t mind being the third wheel when you two go out,” I say. “I’ll even cut in if he brings up oysters. But this year has me stressed enough without adding some guy into the mix.”

Through the window and several trees away, Andrew and another guy from the team are looking at us. They’re talking and laughing but don’t stop or look away even when we notice them.

“Are they watching us eat?” I ask. “That is so sad.”

Andrew glances back over his shoulder, probably checking for my dad, and then waves at us. Before I can decide whether or not to wave back, Dad shouts at them to get to work. I take that opportunity to slide the curtains shut.

Heather’s eyebrows are raised. “Well, he still seems interested.”

I shake my head. “Look, it doesn’t matter who the guy is, it would be nothing but trouble with my dad helicoptering over us the entire time. Is there any guy worth that? Because it’s not anyone outside this window.”

Heather drums her fingers on the tabletop. “It has to be someone who doesn’t work here… someone your dad can’t put on outhouse duty.”

“Did you miss where I said I don’t want to date while I’m here?”

“I didn’t miss it,” Heather says, “I’m ignoring it.”

Of course she is. “Okay, for the sake of argument let’s say I am interested in someone—which I’m not. What type of guy do you think I would attract, knowing I’ll be out of his life in a month?”

“You don’t have to bring it up,” Heather says. “It’s obviously a part of the deal, and a month is already longer than some couples last. So don’t worry about it. Consider it a holiday love affair.”

“‘Holiday love affair’? Did you really just say that?” I roll my eyes. “You need to stay away from the Hallmark Channel this time of year.”

“Think about it! It’s a no-pressure relationship because the whole thing has an end date. And you’ll have a great story to tell your friends back home.”

I can tell I’m not going to win this one. Heather is more unrelenting than Rachel, which is saying a lot. The only way out is to put things off until it’s no longer a possibility because it’s too late.

“I’ll think about it,” I say.

I hear the familiar laughs of two women outside so I pull aside the curtain and peek out. Two middle-aged women from the Downtown Association, their arms full of posters, walk toward the Bigtop.

I wrap up the rest of my sandwich to take with me, and then I give Heather a hug. “I’ll keep my eye out for a holiday Romeo, but I need to get back to work now.”

Heather rewraps her sandwich and shoves it into the leftovers bag. She follows me out of the trailer and heads toward her car. “I’ll keep an eye out for him, too,” she calls back.

The Downtown Association ladies are talking to Mom at the counter when I walk up. The oldest lady, with a long gray braid, holds up a poster featuring a garbage truck strung with Christmas lights. “If you could post a few of these again, the city would really appreciate it. Our holiday parade will be bigger than ever this year! We don’t want anybody in the community to miss out.”

“Of course,” Mom says, and the braided lady sets four posters on the counter. “Sierra will have them up this afternoon.”

I duck below the counter to grab the staple gun. Heading out of the Bigtop with the posters, I stifle a laugh as I look them over. I’m not sure a festive garbage truck will drum up a larger crowd, but it does foster a small-town feel.

When I was younger, Heather’s family brought me with them to the parade a few times, and I will admit it was sentimental fun. Most holiday parades I see now are on TV, coming out of New York or L.A. They don’t often include entries like the Society of Pug Owners, or Friends of the Library, or tractors that blast country music Christmas carols as they roll down the streets. Although I can picture them doing that at the hometown parade back in Oregon.

I hold the last poster against a wooden light pole at the entrance to our lot, punching a staple into each of the top corners. Running my hand to the bottom of the poster, I hear Andrew’s voice behind me.

“Need any help?”

My shoulders tense. “I’ve got it.”

I punch two more staples into the bottom corners. I then step back and pretend to study my work long enough for Andrew to move on. When I turn around, I see that he wasn’t talking to me, but to a gorgeous guy around our age a couple of inches taller than Andrew. The guy holds a tree upright with one hand and wipes his dark hair out of his eyes with the other.

“Thanks, but I’m fine,” he says, and Andrew walks away.

The guy looks at me and smiles, a beautiful dimple digging into his left cheek. I can feel my face instantly flush, so I lower my gaze to the dirt. My stomach flutters, and I take a deep breath and remind myself that a cute smile means absolutely nothing about the person.

“Do you work here?” His voice is soft, reminding me of the old crooner songs my grandparents played during the holidays.

I look up, willing myself to act professional. “Did you find everything you need?”

His smile remains, along with that dimple. I brush some hair behind my ears and force myself not to look away. I have to hold myself back from taking a step closer.

“I did,” he says. “Thank you.”

The way he looks at me—almost studying me—makes me flustered. I clear my throat and look away, but when I look back, he’s already walking off, the tree hoisted onto his shoulder like it weighs almost nothing.

“That’s a nice shade of red, Sierra.”

Standing beside the light pole, Andrew shakes his head at me. I want to respond with something sarcastic, but my tongue hasn’t untied yet.

“Did you know dimples are actually a deformity?” he continues. “It means he has a muscle in his face that grew too short. It’s kind of gross if you think about it.”

I put my weight on one foot and give Andrew my best Are we done here yet? look. This maybe comes across as meaner than I’d like to be, but an anvil clearly needs to be dropped on his head if he thinks this kind of jealousy is the way to my heart.

I take the staple gun back to the counter and wait. Maybe the guy with the dimple will return for some tinsel or one of our watering cans with an extra-long spout. Or maybe he needs lights or mistletoe. But then I feel dumb. I told Heather all the reasons I don’t want to get involved with anyone while I’m here—good reasons—and those reasons have not changed in the last ten minutes. I’m here for a month. One month! I do not have time, nor the heart, to get involved.

Still, the idea has now taken hold. Maybe I wouldn’t mind a little expiration dating. Maybe I wouldn’t be so fussy, as my friends like to say, about imperfections if I knew I wouldn’t—I couldn’t—be with him for more than a few weeks. If he happens to be hot with an adorable dimple, well then, good for him! And me.

I send a text to Heather that afternoon: What exactly would a holiday love affair entail?