When I Break

Chapter Ten

McKenna

Later that week when I arrived home from the teen shelter, I was absolutely starving since I’d missed lunch. I pulled open the fridge and surveyed its disappointing contents. Brian’s micro-brew beer, margarine, and a bag of baby carrots that were starting to petrify.

My parents had left me money. I didn’t have to live this way, rooming with Brian, buying just the bare essentials and going without a car, but up to this point, I’d refused to give in. I wanted to be stronger than that, to stand on my own two feet and not use the blood money from their life insurance policies or my father’s pension. It would feel like cheating and only twist the knife deeper in my chest to have to rely on that money.

And so far, I’d made it. Chicago was far more expensive than I’d anticipated and my meager salary didn’t go far. But even if that meant my diet was mainly peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and forgoing a new coat this winter, it was worth it. Some days I thought about donating it all to one of the charities I loved, but something always held me back. My parents worked hard for what they had. They would have wanted me to have it. So I left it in a trust, just in case. But I hoped I was never desperate enough to touch it.

Abandoning the fridge to scan the cupboards didn’t provide much in the way of options either. I needed to get to the store soon. It was times like this I missed my mom. She was an amazing cook and would have whipped me up something delicious from the simplest of ingredients. That was her talent. It didn’t matter if all we had was boxed pasta and shredded cheese. I’d have an amazing hot meal in front of me in minutes. Before I could decide what to do, Brian came in behind me.

“Come sit down, McKenna.” His voice was commanding and I wondered what was on his mind. I’d paid my share of the rent, and had even remembered to mail the electric bill on time this month.

I sat down on the sofa and Brian lowered himself down next to me.

“Are you doing okay?”

I fidgeted under his watchful stare. “Fine. Just a little tired. It was a long week.”

“You work too hard. You’re always running, always on the go. It doesn’t have to be this way.”

I blinked at him, wondering what had inspired his little speech. “I like staying busy, you know that.” It helped me. I would hate to think what I’d do with an entire day alone with my thoughts. I shuddered at the idea.

“I’m your family now.” Brian’s hand came to rest on my knee.

I no longer had a family. Brian might be a nice guy, but he didn’t feel like family. Sure, we’d grown up together and I was totally comfortable around him, even in my holey sweatpants and my mom’s ratty old slippers. But something was missing. It wasn’t his shoulder I wanted to lean on when things got tough. The image of Knox cradling baby Bailee against his shoulder rushed into my brain. She’d rested her head on him and let out the softest little sigh. I hadn’t felt that kind of comfort in ages.

“I could take care of you, McKenna. My job pays enough, you could stop working around the clock. You could just be happy.”

I stared at him, dumbfounded. Happy? How could I ever be happy not working? And I certainly didn’t do it for the money. Most of my hours were unpaid volunteer work. Brian didn’t really know me at all if he thought that. His words reminded me that I had no one, no family, and a rush of wetness filled my eyes. Perhaps it was because I was starving and bone tired, but I couldn’t handle this conversation right now. Silent tears threatened to overflow, so I excused myself to the bathroom where I could cry alone like the loser I was.

Ignoring Brian’s hurt expression, I scurried away and shut myself in the small room. I locked the door firmly behind me, then closed the toilet lid and sank down. I had spent all day pretending everything was fine, that I was in control, but one tiny conversation about the current state of my life and I broke down, sobbing like a baby.

I’d taken my parents for granted, but now that they were gone, I realized just how much they meant to me. I was an only child, their miracle baby, since they were told they’d never have kids. It broke my heart even more for them. All the years of struggle, all they went through to have me, and I was so oblivious, totally ungrateful and self-centered in the years before they died. A voice of reason chimed in, reminding me a lot of teens were that way, but I forced the thought away. I deserved to feel every bit as sad and lonely as I was in that moment.

I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand and grabbed a wad of toilet paper to blow my nose. All day I had been cheerful and helpful, fixing a brave face firmly in place as I helped others. But the harsh truth was that I was totally and completely helpless.

Watching Knox interact with his brothers only reinforced what I already knew. Family was everything. Without one, I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. And definitely not here in Chicago, with Brian as my only friend and pseudo family.

The crazy thing was, when I was near Knox that painful ache in my chest vanished. It was like his presence alone had some strange impact on me. I could stop worrying and planning my next move. I could just be. It was a feeling of total relief. Maybe the craziness of his life balanced out my own. He certainly had a lot on his plate and a truckload of issues to work through. Those were things I recognized. They made sense to me.

I was struck by the sudden realization that I wanted to see him. I wanted to spend time with him and his brothers. I wanted the distraction and company they provided. Their loud, messy household and camaraderie. A pang of guilt hit me as I realized it was for entirely selfish reasons, but I didn’t care. Not enough to keep me away from him.

Making a plan in my head, I blew my nose one more time and splashed cool water on my cheeks. I straightened my shoulders and leaned over to inspect myself in the mirror, only to see splotchy pink marks had discolored my cheeks and neck, and my eyes were rimmed in red. Crap.

I dabbed on some concealer and ran a brush through my hair. If I was going to catch them before they made other plans for dinner, I needed to get moving and go buy some groceries.

By the time I left the grocery store, the sky was a pretty pink color as the sun was starting its descent. I was hopeful and excited for the first time that week.

Guilt had stabbed me as I’d lied to Brian about where I was headed, but something told me he wouldn’t have taken the news well that I was going to Knox’s. The label of sex addict was enough to immediately dissuade him from liking Knox. I was willing to suspend judgment. There seemed to be so many more sides to him.

I didn’t even notice the cooling night air. A bit of chill would do nothing to dampen my mood as I strolled purposefully toward Knox’s place. I hadn’t realized how badly I’d needed to see him after lusting after him these last several days.

Anticipation gave me a little rush as I climbed the steps leading up to his house, balancing a big bag of groceries on my hip. I’d gotten a package of chicken, potatoes, bread, frozen peas, and a cake mix too, hoping it would be enough to feed all the boys. I briefly wondered if they were watching Bailee again, and imagined Knox smashing up some of the peas and potatoes for her dinner. Was she even big enough to eat vegetables yet?

As I started up the steps, it occurred to me how dark the house was. There were no lights burning inside and a pang of nerves hit me. I didn’t know what I’d do if they weren’t home. My entire mood hinged on getting to see Knox tonight. Not healthy, I know.

I knocked twice and rang the bell, but the house remained utterly silent. My stomach sank to my toes as I waited, hoping someone would answer. The tears from earlier threatened to make another appearance as bitter disappointment coursed through me. No one was home. I wondered if Knox was out with a girl right now and the idea stung.

A commotion in the street caught my attention and I turned. Knox and the two younger boys strolled up the street, cheering and hollering and generally being rambunctious boys. My heart jumped at the sight of Knox balancing three large pizza boxes in one hand, and Tucker hoisted up on his shoulder.

“McKenna?” Knox set Tucker on his feet and stopped directly in front of me. His large form overwhelmed me and even though I’d been hungry to see him, I now found myself a little unsure about showing up here unannounced again. “Is everything okay?” he asked, inspecting me from head to toe.

I liked the way his gaze slid over me way too much. He saw the real me, the one I hid from everyone else. He knew I wasn’t here for anything related to the group. I was here because I wanted to be.

Knowing he could read my expression—I never did have much of a poker face—I lifted my mouth in a smile and held up the bag of groceries. “I came to make dinner.” My gaze floated over to the pizza boxes he was holding.

“Tucker won his soccer game. We’re celebrating with his favorite—ham and pineapple pizza. You’re welcome to join us.” His eyes appraised me coolly, as if waiting to see what I’d do.

“I…I don’t know.”

“Come on, who can say no to pizza?” He grinned and waved the boxes tantalizingly in front of me.

He was right, my stomach grumbled at the scent. Pizza with Knox and his brothers sounded perfect right now. Much better than taking the bus back home alone and sitting there with Brian watching me all night while he pretended to be working on his laptop.

“That’d be great.” I hoisted the bag of groceries on my hip, immediately feeling better as my previous disappointment faded into the background.

“What’s all that?” Knox tipped his head to the bag while unlocking the front door.

“I was, um…” Spit it out, McKenna. “Going to make you guys dinner. Sort of as a thank-you for inviting me to eat with you last time.”

Knox’s smile lit up his whole face. He peeked inside the bag. “You’ll just have to come back another time then to cook this up.”

“Deal.” I breathed a sigh of relief and followed him inside.

“Jaxon?” Knox called, turning on lights as we crossed through the living and dining rooms en route to the kitchen. The house was dark and silent. I hadn’t guessed that Jaxon was home. He hadn’t answered the door when I knocked.

While Knox set the pizza boxes down on the kitchen table, I went with Tucker to grab paper plates, napkins, and drinks from the fridge. I rounded the corner just in time to see Jaxon shuffling a girl out the front door.

“Hey,” he said, strolling up to join us at the kitchen table once the girl was gone.

“Who was that?” Luke asked.

“Lila,” Jaxon said, offering no further explanation.

Knox didn’t look happy; the easygoing attitude he had outside vanished as he turned to face Jaxon. “What the hell are you wearing?” Knox looked down at Jaxon with his eyebrows raised. “Looks like your jeans got into a fight with a lawn mower.”

Jaxon’s jeans weren’t just ripped at the knees, they were practically shredded from the thighs down. I could easily see the print of his plaid boxer shorts. He grinned. “Lila can be a little rough.”

“Go change. Throw those away. And I told you, I don’t want girls here when I’m not home.”

“Yeah, because you never have girls here, Knox. Your fucking bedroom practically has a revolving door. I’m surprised there’s not a sign-up sheet out in the hall.”

“Don’t curse.” Knox stepped closer, his posture tightening.

His eyes flashed to mine and I couldn’t help but betray my curiosity. I chewed on my lip, wondering if what Jaxon said was true.

“Go. Change,” Knox repeated. It was clear he didn’t want Jaxon to say anything else to me.

As if remembering we were supposed to be celebrating Tucker’s win, Knox hoisted him onto his shoulder before walking to the table. “You get the first slice, buddy.” He slid Tucker into the chair at the head of the table and we all took our seats.

Over slices of pizza, Tucker recounted his victory to Jaxon and me. His entire face lit up when he talked about scoring his first-ever game-winning goal. As he chatted excitedly, Knox’s gaze rested on me, watching me as I ate.

A tight knot formed in my throat and I had to remind myself how to swallow. While I sat reminding myself how to properly chew and swallow my food, I realized one thing. Knox was a good distraction.

Miraculously, for hours I hadn’t thought about my parents, or my guilt, or my loneliness. Not once. Brian’s earlier warning that I needed to get a life came to mind.

Well, this was me, getting a life. I doubted he’d approve of my methods.

Knox

Having McKenna here was strange, yet felt completely natural at the same time. I needed to keep it together in front of the guys, but I wanted to pull her aside and ask her why she came back.

Once dinner was over, I sent McKenna into the living room to relax while the guys and I cleared the table. This was all new territory for me—but since she was a guest, she shouldn’t have to clean up, right?

I carried the now-empty pizza boxes out to the garbage can and leaned against the side of the house, inhaling deep breaths of cool night air. It smelled like rain. I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. Why was she here? I never got rattled around a woman, but things were different with McKenna. Was it because she led the sex addicts group I was part of? No. I didn’t think that was it. She made me feel aware and alive in a way I hadn’t felt before, challenged things I thought I knew. She’d talked me into getting STD testing done, though I’d been adamant I didn’t need it.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous for the results to arrive. McKenna thought I did the test for my brothers. The truth was that I did it for her, not for some altruistic purpose. I wanted her. Something told me if I pushed her, I could have her. And I’d never expose her to something I picked up from one of my exploits. I just wasn’t ready to go there until I knew I could trust myself with her.

When I headed back inside, I found the boys in the kitchen cleaning up and jumped in to lend a hand, welcoming the distraction from the thoughts swirling inside my brain.

“So, what’s McKenna doing back here? I thought she was just your counselor,” Jaxon asked, looking down as he washed a glass in the sink. It was how guys worked. Sometimes we found it easier to have conversations when our hands were busy.

I bumped his shoulder as I pushed my way in to rinse. “She is. She’s just my counselor. But she came to hang out too. That cool with you?”

“Sure. Why should I care?”

I could tell there was more to it than he was letting on. He’d brought it up for a reason. Maybe he was just curious about my having a normal relationship with a girl. Hell, I was too. I’d repeatedly told my brothers things weren’t like that between McKenna and me, but apparently they knew my history with women too well.

“I like her,” Luke said as he stuffed the paper plates into the overflowing trash can.

“Me too,” Tucker chimed in. “She’s nice.”

“She’s got a nice ass,” Jaxon said, smirking down into the dishwater.

Reaching back with a wet hand, I smacked the back of his head lightly. “Don’t talk about her ass, dude.”

Shit, he was right, though. Earlier when I’d watched her lift up onto her toes to reach the top shelf in the cupboard, her shirt had ridden up, revealing the milky skin of her lower back and a perfectly round ass I wanted to grip in my hands.

I’d fought the urge to walk up behind her and cage her in against the counter, and rub up against her like a dog in heat. It should be illegal to be that hot and be a sex addiction counselor. Seriously, they needed to outlaw that shit.

McKenna

The guys wouldn’t let me help clean up; apparently it was because they wanted to grill Knox about what my appearance here meant. Hearing him say I was just his counselor had stung. I was starting to wonder if I shouldn’t have come. Maybe my being here was confusing.

I sat on the couch and flipped on the TV, wondering what to do. I hadn’t felt like just his counselor. It had felt like hanging out with a friend. But apparently I needed to stop being delusional.

Soon the boys had finished their chores, and though Jaxon disappeared up the stairs, the others joined me in the living room. Before I knew it, I was surrounded on the couch by boys, Luke on one side and Tucker on the other. Tucker sat motionless, looking up at me in wonder. “You’re really pretty,” he said. “And you smell good. Like candy and soap.”

“Thank you.” I tousled his hair, running my fingers through the too-long strands. He was overdue for a haircut, but the look suited him.

He scooted his body closer and yawned. I patted my thigh and he laid his head down in my lap. My heart full, I reached down and pushed his hair back from his forehead, and he released a contented little sigh and closed his eyes. It seemed these boys were hungry for female attention, and it killed me to think they missed their mother so badly they were willing to accept attention from anyone. Even from me, someone they only met a couple of days ago.

After a little while, Knox went to help Tucker to change into his pajamas and brush his teeth, since it was clear he was wiped out from soccer. That left Luke and me still sitting together on the couch while the TV hummed quietly in the background.

Luke glanced over at me from his perch on the sofa, his expression all serious. “So, are you going to help my brother?”

“I’m trying to.” I didn’t know how much he knew about Knox’s addiction. He knew that Knox saw a counselor, but I wasn’t sure if he understood the full picture.

“Does that mean you’ll be here more often?”

“I hope so.”

“Me too.”

After several minutes of comfortable silence, Luke looked over at me again. He was always so thoughtful and calm, his scrunched brows and creased forehead had me wondering what was on his mind.

“McKenna? Can I ask you a question?”

I wondered if it was related to my sudden presence in Knox’s life. And how I would explain it. “Sure, what’s up?”

“It’s kind of a private… You know what, never mind. It’s stupid.”

Now I was even more curious. “You can ask me anything, Luke.” If they didn’t have regular access to a female in their lives, I wanted to fulfill the role in any way I could.

“Well, I was just wondering. How do you, um, make a girl’s first time special?”

Oh my God. He was not asking me this. How the hell would I know, with my utter lack of experience?

Knox had entered the room after putting Tucker to bed and he glanced over at us briefly, acting disinterested, but I could see the tension in his jaw as he plopped into the armchair and pretended not to listen.

My heartbeat ticked in my throat and I fought to maintain slow, even breaths. When I looked up again, I found Knox’s eyes locked on mine, looking straight into my soul. I met Luke’s gaze again, who was still waiting for an answer.

I gave him a little nod, as if I answered this type of question all the time. “For a girl, her first time is really important. Probably more so than a guy’s.” My voice was a little shaky and I cleared my throat, starting again. “It’s important to make sure she’s really ready and not just going along with it or feeling pressured.”

Luke nodded, hanging on my every word. I didn’t want to encourage him to have sex, but I also didn’t want to counsel him too harshly and pretend this type of stuff didn’t happen. He was a junior in high school, and many boys and girls his age were already sexually active. I couldn’t turn a blind eye to that fact. Just because I wasn’t getting any, didn’t mean that other people weren’t.

“Yeah, I get that,” he said. “It’s just, it’s a lot of pressure on the guy to make it perfect, ya know?”

I smiled at him. It was sweet that he was worried about making it good for the girl. “No one’s first time is perfect. Take your time, make sure you’re both enjoying yourselves, and have fun. That’s the best advice I can give you.” It was the only advice I could give him, considering my own first time was over before it even started. I was a twenty-one-year-old virgin. A fact I wasn’t necessarily proud of. Sometimes I felt like a freak.

“Okay, that makes sense.” The crease in his forehead disappeared.

“Just be yourself, Luke. You’re thoughtful and sweet. Oh, and make sure you have protection. And wear it.”

“Yes, ma’am.” His cheeks reddened slightly. “They give out condoms in health class.”

I nodded. Curious, I wanted to ask him who the special girl was, but I thought more questions might make this conversation awkward and I didn’t want to pry. “You can always ask me anything, I want you to know that.” I smiled at him and patted his knee, all the while mentally cursing myself for implying I’d be around more, when the truth was I had no idea.

“So you know a lot about this sex stuff, huh?”

“Professionally speaking, I suppose so, but I’m not discussing my private life with you.”

Luke’s face broke into a wide smile. “That’s okay, I don’t wanna hear about my brother’s sex life. Nasty.”

“Your brother and I aren’t—”

“I know.” He smiled. “He likes you, I can tell.” His eyes flashed on mine before he hopped up from the couch and retreated down the hallway.

What did that mean? Knox wasn’t sleeping with me because he liked me? His logic seemed backward, but instead of trying to solve the puzzle in my head, I lifted my gaze to meet Knox’s caramel-colored eyes, which was a big mistake.

I suppressed a hot shudder at the intensity I saw reflected back at me.

Knox

Fuck me. Listening to McKenna describe her perfect first time was a special kind of torture. My dick rose to attention, hanging on her every word.

She wanted a lover who took his time, and made sure she was enjoying herself? Sign me up. I’d gladly take the job, right fucking now. I wondered if she had enjoyed her first time. Given the chance, I would make sure she came and called out for more.

Even hotter than imagining myself in McKenna’s little sex fantasy was watching the way she navigated a tough conversation with ease. I could tell she already cared about my brothers, and that did insane things to me. I had no clue whose virginity Luke was planning to take and honestly I didn’t really care as long as he wrapped it up.

But listening to McKenna’s advice, knowing she created a bond—a trust—with him to get him to open up, was pretty fucking cool. These kids didn’t have a female role model in their lives. I was the closest thing they had to a mom or a dad, and I often did a shitty job of it. Especially with feelings and emotions. So it made me breathe a little easier knowing that they could rely on McKenna to fill that void. Even if it was just for now.

When Luke took off for his room, her eyes lifted to mine and I was overcome by a tight feeling in my chest as I watched her. Her cheeks were flushed pink and her breathing came in shallow little gasps. She was nervous and I had no idea why.

“I hope that was okay,” she said hesitantly. “What I said to Luke. I don’t want to overstep my bounds.”

I got up from the chair and crossed the room to stand before her. Since it put my groin at her eye level, I was thankful my erection had faded. Even though things were purely platonic between us, there was a certain awareness we seemed to share when in each other’s proximity. It grew stronger each time I saw her, and watching her now, seeing how her body responded when I was near, I couldn’t help but believe she felt the same. We couldn’t keep avoiding this chemistry between us forever.

Looking down at her, I couldn’t stop myself from touching her, so I reached down and stroked my thumb along her cheek. Her skin felt incredibly soft, making me wonder if my skin, in contrast, felt rough and calloused to her.

Finally finding my words, I said, “That was amazing. Thank you for talking to him about that.”

She looked up at me in silent gratitude and nodded once.

Reluctantly, I let my hand fall away and took a much-needed step back, trying to put some distance between the heat of her body and mine. Having her around, in my space, in these close quarters day after day was starting to become a challenge. I wanted her, but it was more than that—I didn’t want to fuck her and move on like I normally did.

This was all uncharted territory for me, and I sensed it was for McKenna too. I needed to proceed with caution if I wanted to have a chance in hell with her. So I took another step back, watching her like she was an unpredictable wild animal I had no clue what to do with.

“What should we do now?” she asked, still looking up at me.

“Help me take down the fort?” I suggested.

I needed to do something to busy my hands before I disappeared into my room to jerk off. The box of tissues beside my bed was getting plenty of action lately.

McKenna’s gaze wandered to the tent that was set up in the middle of the den. “Why is there a tent there?”

I shook my head. “Tucker. Bailee was over today and he thought she’d like it, but anytime he put her in there, she cried.”

“Gotcha. Well, taking one down is easier than setting it up, right?”

“Right. Come on.”

Watching the sway of her ass as she stood and crossed the room did nothing to help clean up my thoughts. I needed to relieve this sexual tension. If not with McKenna, then with someone else. And soon.

We sat side by side, collapsing poles and folding the tent while I thought about what to say to fill the silence that stretched between us. McKenna was concentrating on fitting the tent back into the bag, her tongue pressed into her lower lip as she worked. When she look up and caught me watching, her tongue darted back inside her mouth. I couldn’t help but smirk.

When she looked at me, she didn’t just look at me. She looked straight into me, like she could see into my soul. I liked being seen for the man I was on the inside, not just the fuck-up everyone saw on the outside. And since McKenna was here, it meant she wasn’t judging me based on what she saw.

“Are you going out after this?” she asked, fiddling with the tie on the bag, deliberately avoiding looking at me while she waited for my answer.

“Why? Do you want to be my sponsor? Keep me on the straight and narrow?”

Her eyes met mine. “If that’s what it takes.”

“I wasn’t planning on going out, no.” I hadn’t done that lately, and I intended to try to keep that record going. Actually, I hadn’t done that in a while, despite what I let McKenna believe.

“That’s really good, Knox.”

Time for a new topic. I wasn’t okay sitting here with a beautiful girl calmly discussing my last fuck.

I cleared my throat. “So, what’s your story? Don’t you have someplace you need to be?”

She flinched at my words.

Shit.

“That’s not what I meant,” I said quickly. “I’m sorry.”

She shrugged, then looked away. “I heard what you said to your brothers. That I’m just your counselor. I’m sorry I keep showing up here.”

“You are my counselor, but I shouldn’t have said that.”

She looked down, her confidence fading at my admission. Using two fingers, I lifted her chin. Her gaze slid intimately from my eyes to my mouth, and a warm feeling burned in my chest.

“What’s that look for?” I asked, my voice coming out too thick. Her gaze slipped away from mine until once again my fingers under her chin reminded her not to hide from me. “You’re beautiful,” I whispered.

“Knox,” she murmured, her voice a tiny plea. “I wish we’d met under different circumstances. My being your addiction counselor complicates things.”

“Why can’t I just be a man, and you just be a woman?”

“You’re in recovery. I can’t be a temptation to you.”

I swallowed heavily. Too late for that. My balls were aching with the need to sink inside her.

“We all have certain wants and desires, McKenna. It doesn’t make them wrong. We’re only human.”

Indecision flashed in her eyes and her gaze zeroed in on my mouth. If I had to guess, I’d say she was thinking about what it would be like to kiss me. It seemed that good-girl McKenna had a naughty side to her. Every ounce of her wanted that kiss. I could read it all over her, from her flushed chest to the thrumming pulse in her neck. I’d be willing to bet it had been a long time since a man touched her. Her body’s responses were too obvious, and I could read the want and curiosity all over her.

I leaned forward just slightly, wetting my lips. She swallowed, her eyes tracking the movements. Angling my head to hers, I paused, stopping myself. Why? To prove a point. We were mammals, we reacted to the opposite sex. It was biology. We were born to breed, to reproduce. Men especially—to spread around our seed. Just the fact that I stopped myself proved that I didn’t have a problem. Only I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince McKenna or myself.

She pulled back, just the slightest bit. “This can’t happen, Knox.”

“Then let me go about things the correct way then. Let me take you out. A proper date.” As soon as I’d blurted it, I had no idea where that came from.

“I can’t,” she whispered, looking down at her hands in her lap.

“Can’t or don’t want to?”

“Isn’t it the same thing?” She looked up and studied me with wide blue eyes.

“No. Can’t means you won’t jeopardize our professional relationship in group, and don’t want to means you’d be lying by saying you don’t feel this pull between us.”

McKenna looked down and sighed. “Knox, don’t do this.”

“I won’t push you. Not tonight. But we will talk about this.”

“I should go,” she murmured.

“Yeah, me too.” I blew out a heavy sigh.

“You’re leaving?” she asked, her voice wavering.

I shrugged.

“Where are you going?” McKenna rose to her feet, concern etching a line between her brows.

“Out,” I said sharply.

“Don’t do something you’ll regret.” She stepped closer and placed her warm palm against my chest.

She could probably feel the steady knock of my heartbeat, the indecision in my posture. But none of that mattered. I couldn’t put myself in a position to get too close to McKenna. I wouldn’t trick her into thinking I was somebody I wasn’t. This was me. Rough around the edges and enough baggage to take down an airliner.

“Let me go, McKenna.” I shrugged away from her touch.

“You know what, Knox?” she bit out, turning to face me. “Don’t bother coming to group this week.”

She left a few moments later and I was too wound up to even offer to drive her home. I felt rejected and angry. I wanted to put my fist through the wall. Instead, I checked to be sure all three boys were safe in their rooms, then shoved on my boots, grabbed my keys and a handful of condoms, and was out the door.

I’d pushed McKenna the slightest bit—just to test the waters—and she’d done exactly what I’d known she’d do. She ran. Left me with a pounding heart and a hot anger burning inside me that needed to be squelched. She might have been good at acting like she cared, but that was all it was. Some do-gooder act to soothe her conscience for whatever it was she’d done to deserve to counsel dickheads like me for a living.

Although I hadn’t been here in weeks, I soon found myself pulling into the parking lot of the strip club, the neon signs bathing the dark interior of my Jeep in light, like a beacon pulling me forward.

I’d put myself out there, tried to go about things the legitimate way, and it had gotten me nowhere. McKenna was different, and I knew I had to do things her way if I wanted to be close to her. I was definitely willing to try.

But she’d turned me down without a second thought. It was always the same thing. Opening yourself up ended in rejection. Period. And tonight I needed a sure thing. The tension inside me evoked by being so near a beautiful woman and unable to do a damn thing about it had left me unsatisfied. I needed relief. At the same time, I knew that in the morning, whatever relief I felt would be marked with regret. But it was too late to turn back.

I entered the club and sank into the shadows, letting the bass-filled music drown out my own thoughts and reservations.