When We Fall

Chapter Thirteen

McKenna

I was in love with a man I could never be with. We’d successfully hurdled his sexual addiction and that was the easy part. But this…I had no words. I never dreamed our shared, shattered pasts would be what stood in our way. We’d come too far. Lost too much. The universe was playing some sick joke on me, seeing just how far I could be pushed before I snapped. Well, this was it. I’d reached my breaking point. The score was the universe: one, McKenna: zero.

Knox hiding this from me the entire time hurt worse than finding out he’d been convicted of the crime in the first place. The very crime that killed my parents. My life was rocky enough. I needed a man who was capable of complete honesty, someone to build a stable foundation with. Someone I could trust and rely on. I couldn’t share my life with someone with dark secrets, living in constant fear of what he’d reveal next. Because something told me if I knew all the ways Knox had messed up, I’d run away screaming, no matter how big my heart was.

But of course it wasn’t that easy. I loved him. I couldn’t just turn that off. And there were the boys to think about, too, sweet Tucker and Luke, and heaven knew Jaxon could use a positive role model. I hated the idea of just disappearing from their lives.

Two long and hard days had passed since Knox told me. And now that I knew the full extent of his past, the decision was mine. Either forgive him and let it go, and move forward with our future, or let it destroy everything we’d built.

Through my work at the teen center, I’d counseled woman and girls who were codependent, who felt worthless and rejected without a man in their lives. Women who were depressed and even suicidal over their relationship status. I never in my wildest dreams thought I could be like those women. I had listened to their troubles, asked all the right questions, probed gently and offered the advice I’d learned to give them in my training, yet I felt emotionless and detached from their problems. I was just doing my job.

It was only now that I finally understood. Only since Knox had invaded my life and taken over my every waking thought. Sex and love had the ability to consume you, and it terrified me. I felt desperate and needy and wanted him to love me, to draw me into his arms and never let me go. I didn’t know how I could ever look those sad women in the eye again and tell them to move on. There was no moving on. Not once you’d met your true match. Something told me Knox had left an imprint on my heart, in my psyche, that would forever be there.

There was no choice. I had to find a way to move past this. Not that I wasn’t furious at him for hiding the truth from me for all these months—I was. It was going to take some time for me to adjust to that. But I knew I would forgive him. How could I not? My love for him was too desperate, too all-consuming for us to be apart. Despite all his mistakes and dark secrets, I loved that man with my whole being. It wasn’t a choice.

Gathering up my courage, I texted Knox and asked him to come over and talk. I felt safer having this conversation in my own space. Plus when Amanda had called earlier and asked if I wanted to come over and help out with the baby, Brian had volunteered to go in my place, leaving me alone in the apartment.

Knox confirmed he would be here as soon as he’d fed the boys dinner. I used the time to tidy up my room, too restless and on edge to sit and relax.

When the doorbell to my apartment buzzed a short time later, I nearly jumped out of my skin with the anticipation of seeing him again. I knew that no matter what happened, tonight would be big for me. I had worked on forgiving myself, moving past my parents’ tragic deaths, and now it seemed that God had a sense of humor because I was being tested for a final time with forgiving Knox.

His somber expression greeted me when I opened the door. Dark circles lined his eyes as if he hadn’t slept, and his hair was messy, standing up in several directions.

“Come inside.” I motioned him forward into the foyer, thankful that Brian was gone to help out with Amanda yet again. He’d been so helpful over the last few days, driving her and the baby to their doctors’ checkups and to the store for more diapers.

I led Knox into the living room, but we were both too tense to sit down. The mood surrounding us was sobering. I’d never seen Knox look so broken and defeated. Not even when Jaxon had been beaten and threatened by that gang.

Knox shoved his hands into his pockets and looked up at me through dark lashes. “There’s no excuse for what I did. And not telling you earlier was—”

“I know,” I offered. I could see the sincerity and regret written all over him.

“I’m sorry,” he said simply.

“I know,” I said again. His features were twisted in agony, and even though I’d decided to forgive him and move past it, he didn’t know that yet. I decided to use that to my advantage. “Where did you see this headed? You and me?”

Pressing his fingertips to his temples, he briefly closed his eyes and then opened them again, fixing me with a desperate stare. “I love you like I’ve never loved anyone. I wanted you to move in, to be with me forever. I wanted to marry you, angel.”

His admission completely stunned me, and I stood there motionless trying to process his words. I knew Knox wanted me to move in with him, something we hadn’t even fully discussed, but now he was telling me that he wanted to marry me, too. My heart swelled three times its normal size in my chest and I briefly closed my eyes.

I struggled to put into words all the emotions I was feeling. But I knew I couldn’t answer him now. “I need time to think, Knox.”

He nodded. “I get that. Completely.” He stepped closer, closing the distance between us, and tipped my chin up to his. “But don’t forget that you’re the one who taught me about vulnerability and letting others in. I know I’m damaged goods, angel, and that this is a huge leap of faith for you…but please believe me when I tell you I love you. All of you. And I always will.”

I nodded. I did believe that. Knox was a changed man, inside and out. He was my everything. He and his family had become my whole world, and I loved each and every one of them. I just needed some time to clear the thoughts swirling in my head and do this my way.

“We’ll talk soon,” was all I said.

I knew Knox would be mad that Brian was the one taking me to get my first car, but I also knew he’d understand. As long as I got something safe and reliable and wasn’t depending on public transit anymore, he’d let it go. Besides, I wanted to do this for myself, and inviting my oldest friend along felt like the right thing to do. Especially since I needed to tell him something big, something that would forever change the dynamic of our relationship.

I hadn’t spoken to Knox since he came to my apartment several days ago. And even though I missed him with every ounce of my being, it felt good taking control of my life and getting things in order. I’d put that off for far too long.

Brian and I toured the car lot, and I selected a slightly used silver sedan to test drive. Once the salesman had made a photocopy of my driver’s license, Brian and I were seated in the air-freshener-scented interior, ready to take a spin.

Gripping the wheel at ten and two, I waited for a large break in the traffic and pulled out onto the road. “So you’ve been seeing more of Amanda these days,” I said as I drove. It wasn’t a question, and Brian merely glanced up at me without responding. “That’s a good thing, right?”

He nodded, a smile barely visible on his lips. Good thing I knew him so well.

“How is she doing?” I asked.

“She’s great. She’s an incredible mom. It’s a big burden being a single parent, but I’ve never heard her complain once.”

“You like her.”

He chuckled at me. “I do. She’s a sweet girl.”

“What about the fact that she has a baby. Does that scare you?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment, but shook his head. “Not at all.”

It was the same way I felt about Knox having custody of his three brothers. If anything, the responsibility only deepened him and enriched our relationship. There was a whole other side of him to love. They were never a burden. Well, except when we wanted alone time, but I was getting distracted. “So are you guys, like, dating?”

Brian nodded. “Yeah, I think so. We haven’t technically been on any dates yet. She has a three-week-old daughter, you know? But I bring her dinner, we watch movies, and I really don’t mind pitching in to take care of AnnMarie. She’s a good baby.”

“You’re a good guy, Brian.” I felt proud of my friend. He was growing up and moving on, just like I was. “I think I’m going to get this car.”

“It’s a great car for the money and seems to run well.”

I nodded. I hadn’t brought him with me to talk about cars or Amanda, so I gathered my courage for what was really on my mind. “Bri?”

“Hmm?” he asked, gazing out the passenger window.

“Knox has asked me to live with him.”

I felt his gaze turn toward me, but like the chicken I was, I continued staring out the front windshield.

“Oh yeah?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah. And I’ve decided to move in with him.”

“Wow. That’s a big step, McKenna. Are you sure you guys are—”

“I’m sure. He’s my everything.”

“I get it. I could tell from the first time I met him that there was something major between you two.”

It was nice to hear him acknowledge that. He understood that Knox and I were a package deal.

We sat in silence for the duration of the trip back to the dealership, and I wondered what he was really thinking about all this. When I pulled back into the parking lot and went inside to sign the paperwork, Brian lingered on the car lot. I watched him through the showroom windows, walking around to look at the new cars, and unease churned inside me. He wasn’t going to make some last desperate plea for me, was he?

Finally I met him outside with my new car keys and found him lingering beside his car.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey.”

“Get it all squared away?”

I raised the keys in my hand and gave them a jingle. “You’re looking at the proud new owner of a Volkswagen Jetta.” I grinned.

“Good for you.” He returned my smile, but the worry line creasing his forehead was still present.

“Brian, what’s…”

“McKenna, listen…”

We both paused, laughing at the other.

“You go first,” I said. I braced myself for whatever it was that he was going to say. I was strong enough to handle it. Even if he tried to tell me that my parents wouldn’t have approved of Knox, I was certain that wasn’t true. They would be proud of any man who stepped up to raise his family and took good care of me, too.

“Amanda’s living situation isn’t ideal. She has two roommates, plus her and the baby in a small apartment. She and AnnMarie share a room, and I was thinking…” Brian paused and earnest blue eyes met mine. “I know it’s sudden and not like me, but with you moving out, I’d like to ask Amanda to move in with me. We can set up your bedroom as a nursery for the baby. There’ll be more room for toys and all the gear that comes with a baby, and I really like Amanda. Like, I really, really like her. I want to make this work.”

His admission stunned me. I had no idea he liked Amanda so much. But honestly, I should have pieced it together. He’d been at her apartment almost every day since I’d introduced them at the hospital, and he’d come home with a big dopey grin on his face each time. It crossed my mind that Brian might not know about her past with sex addiction, but I knew that was a conversation he and Amanda needed to have. It wasn’t my place.

“I think that’s amazing news.” I pulled him in for a hug. “Have you asked her yet?”

“No. Not yet. I’ve been thinking about asking her about getting our own place, but I didn’t want to just leave you behind. Now that I know you’re moving in with Knox…it just makes sense. It feels right, you know?”

Something told me Amanda would say yes. She’d texted me a couple of times mentioning how sweet my roommate was. She was falling for him, too. “Go tell her. I’m going to head over to Knox’s place.”

Brian nodded. “Okay. I think I’m gonna stop on the way and pick up a gift for AnnMarie. What do you get for a three-week-old baby?” he asked.

“Diapers?”

He chuckled. “You’re probably right.”

As he turned for his car, my hand on his forearm stopped him. “Bri…thanks for everything.”

His eyes met mine. “Anytime. You know I’m always here for you. I’m always going to be here, no matter where we live or who is in our lives.”

I nodded. I did. And it was a comforting feeling. “Text me later and tell me what she says.”

“Will do. Have fun with the boys.”

I hadn’t told Brian about my fight with Knox, or his drunk-driving arrest. I merely nodded. But inside, my stomach was coiled tight. It was time to go face the music.