When We Fall

Chapter Five

McKenna

The following morning I was up early, feeling eager to jump into my new life. Of course I had my job at the counseling center and my obligations volunteering, but I was also firm on keeping some of the resolutions I’d made myself and Knox. Beginning with putting myself first. I made an appointment at my gynecologist’s office for later that morning and then drove to a local salon, one of the benefits of still having the rental car. I knew I needed to return it and think about my long-term plans for transportation, but something about having a car in the city felt so decadent after surviving for so long without one.

After getting my hair cut, colored with caramel highlights, and styled into flowing waves, I couldn’t stop touching it and stealing glances at myself in the rearview mirror as I drove. My hair felt so much softer with all the spilt ends cut off. It had taken nearly three hours at the salon, and while that normally would have made me feel guilty and like it was a waste of time and money, today it felt like therapy—something I was supposed to do to take care of myself. I decided my mom would be thrilled seeing me happy like this. All these years I’d told myself I should keep up my punishing schedule for them, to make sure their deaths were not for nothing. But today, for the first time, I realized both of my parents would have hated the girl I’d become. They would have hated seeing me spent and exhausted, the dark circles under my eyes. I never knew indulging myself could feel so good.

When I arrived at the doctor’s office, I fought off the wave of nerves I experienced walking into the waiting room. I was a twenty-one-year-old woman who needed birth control. This might have been new and scary for me, but I reminded myself that the doctor had probably seen and heard it all before.

After filling out a stack of forms, a nurse called my name and brought me back to an exam room, where she took my weight and blood pressure, and then asked me to strip completely and dress in a paper robe and wait for the doctor.

I did as instructed, folding my bra and panties and hiding them under my folded jeans, then climbed up onto the exam table, arranging the stiff robe around me.

The doctor knocked once and entered. She was tall and gorgeous with honey-colored skin and long, dark hair. She could have been Beyoncé’s sister, and I felt self-conscious sitting there in my paper outfit. But she immediately put me at ease, explaining that she’d conduct a vaginal exam and Pap smear, and then we’d talk about birth control options.

I leaned back on the table and placed my feet in the stirrups where she directed.

After several seconds and a little pinch, she stood up and removed her gloves. “You look very healthy.”

I didn’t know what a doctor might say while looking at my lady parts, but I supposed healthy was the best thing.

“What kind of protection are you using today?” she asked.

“Condoms.”

“Are you in a monogamous relationship?”

“Yes.” I nodded. I felt confident for the first time since Knox and I had begun seeing each other that this statement was true. I didn’t know if it was possible to be completely cured from sex addiction, or if he still had occasional dark thoughts or struggles, but I felt certain I was the only woman in his bed and in his arms these days.

We discussed the birth control patch, pills, and the shot. I decided to go with the shot, knowing it lasted for three months and wouldn’t be something I had to think about every day. The nurse came in and administered the shot, then I redressed and left, feeling confident and in control of my life for the first time in a long time.

After working my shift at the teen center, I drove to Knox’s place around dinnertime. The boys were gathered around the table, eating when I arrived, and Knox set out an extra plate for me, loading it up with a piece of chicken and potatoes. I loved being here with them and as I ate, I enjoyed their banter. The noise volume was a sharp contrast to my own quiet apartment.

Knox

While we ate, my gaze kept wandering over to McKenna. Last night had been incredible. It had started a little rocky when she’d brought up wanting to give away her inheritance to fund Luke’s education, but it had ended perfectly. Watching McKenna’s confidence grow as she moved above me in bed had been life changing. It had broken something inside me and as worried as I was about admitting my drunk-driving arrest to her, I had to believe that all this would work out.

“Stop playing with your chicken and eat, Tuck.” I shot my youngest brother a warning glare. The chicken leg I’d put on his plate was currently performing a can-can dance.

Tucker giggled, glancing up at McKenna, and took a big bite. The little shit. He was flirting with her. She choked on a laugh of her own, covering her mouth with the napkin.

“Have you filled out your applications yet?” I asked Luke.

He set down his fork, a serious crease between his brows. “What’s the point, Knox? We can’t afford it.”

I squeezed my fists at my sides. “Get your damn applications filled out and turned in. I told you I’d worry about the expenses.” Luke needed to do his part and I would figure out a way to do mine, damn it. I was tired of them all doubting me.

McKenna stared down at her plate, looking deep in thought.

Shit. I was being selfish. McKenna had the money—she wanted to help—and my own insecurities were holding Luke back. This wasn’t about me and my damn ego. Besides, I knew I had bigger things to worry about. My future with McKenna still hung in the balance, if I was being honest with myself. Pushing my plate away, I realized it was time to open up.

After we’d finished dinner and cleaned up, McKenna followed Tucker upstairs, promising to play superheroes with him before it was time for lights out. It gave me a chance to think about how to put into words what I needed to tell her.

Luke sat at the table with Jaxon’s new laptop, unhappy but filling out his college applications. Jaxon had left, saying he was going out for a couple of hours. It was a school night but he was eighteen now; it wasn’t like there was a lot I could do. As long as he was going to school and getting good grades, I didn’t really care.

I found McKenna perched beside Tucker’s bed. The bedside lamp glowed softly, illuminating a beautiful sight—a peacefully sleeping little boy, and a woman I adored tucking the blankets securely around him. My heart swelled watching her. Tucker might not know a mother’s love, but I was thankful he had McKenna.

Sensing my presence, she glanced back at the doorway and spotted me. I crossed the room toward them and kissed Tucker’s forehead. “’Night, buddy,” I whispered. I reached for McKenna’s hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it before pulling her up to stand.

Without releasing my hold on her hand, I led her up the stairs to my bedroom. “How many books did he make you read him this time?” I asked.

“None, actually. He just wanted to talk.”

That was interesting. What could my eight-year-old brother want to talk to her about? I followed her to the edge of the bed and sat down beside her. “What about?”

“He asked if you and I were going to get married and if I’d be his mommy.”

Holy shit. “What did you say?”

Her gaze met mine. “I told him the truth. That I didn’t know, but I would always be there if he needed me.”

I nodded thoughtfully and released a sigh.

“What else could I have said? We haven’t talked about us since I’ve been back.”

It had only been a few days, but she was right. It was an overdue conversation. Still, she was putting me on the spot and she knew it. Her hands were clasped together and her knee was bouncing up and down with nerves. McKenna putting me on the spot took guts; I’d give her that. And I wanted to talk about all this, I really did, I just thought I’d have more time to plan out what I wanted to say. I still had no fucking clue how she’d react to my drunk-driving conviction.

“I’ve told you how I felt,” she continued. “I’ve been very open with you.”

Taking a deep breath, I settled my nerves. I laced her fingers between mine and kissed her temple. “I know. And I shouldn’t have let you leave last time without telling you how I felt. There are things I want to tell you, things I need to say… Fuck.” I tore my hands through my hair, fighting for the right words. Why was this so damn hard for me? It was just as hard telling her about my arrest as it had been telling her about my past with sex. I didn’t want to lose her. Couldn’t.

McKenna rose from the bed and paced the room, seeming to draw strength and determination with each step she took. “When I met you, I figured you were some sex-loving player, a guy always on the prowl, just looking to hook up with whatever willing girl crossed your path.”

I winced; she wasn’t far off the mark.

Stopping at the end of the room to turn around, she continued marching past me. “But then I got to know you—and the boys—and I realized that you weren’t that guy. I discovered you were this broken man looking for love and affection, but going about it entirely the wrong way.”

She turned again on her heel, looking deep in thought.

Where was she going with all this? I wanted to tell her that loving part of me died. I wouldn’t even know how to get him back, but I knew she was right.

“McKenna, let me say a few things.” I rose to my feet, facing her.

“No. You can’t control everything all the time, Knox. Love is fucking scary. It’s an unstoppable wave that has the power to pull you under and drown you completely. You don’t always choose it, it develops, slowly at first or sometimes all at once. And other times it’s ripped from your life way too soon. Like with your mom. My parents. But that doesn’t mean we can give up. Love is the most beautiful thing in the world. We all deserve it. And when we lose it, we deserve a second chance. And a third. Give it a chance.”

A slow smile uncurled on my lips. “You just swore. That was your first curse word. We need to celebrate.” I grinned at her and she swatted my chest, giving it a playful smack. “I love you, McKenna. With every part of my heart. And you’re wrong, it doesn’t just scare me, it fucking terrifies me. The thought of losing you…” I shuddered involuntarily, knowing that was a very real possibility once I told her the truth. “I love everything about you—your giving nature, your outlook on life, the way you are with my brothers. Your heart’s too damn big and you’re way too good for someone like me, but as long as you want me, I’m never letting you go.”

Unshed tears shimmered in her eyes as she looked up at me.

My thumb swiped against her bottom lip as I cupped her face in my hands. “I love you, angel,” I repeated.

Blinking back tears, she drew a shuddering breath. “I love you, too.”

“I should have told you sooner. Did you see my note on the window that morning before you left?”

She nodded, confirming she had.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Her shoulder lifted in a shrug. “I don’t know. For being a man with dominant tendencies, you sure know how to keep a girl in suspense. I guess I didn’t want to take the lead in that aspect of our relationship. It was important to me to hear you say it.”

I nodded. She was right. Again. Christ, when was I going to learn? “So you like it when I take control?”

She licked her lips and nodded.

I chuckled low under my breath, unable to hold it in. This girl was perfect for me. “C’mere, angel.” I lifted her face to mine and kissed her deeply.

McKenna responded immediately, her arms winding around my back and her hands wandering under my shirt.

“Slow down,” I whispered against her ear. “There’s still more we should talk about.”

“There is?” she asked, gazing up at me with a crease lining her forehead.

Shit. I might have been tough in other aspects of my life, but I wasn’t brave enough for this shit. I couldn’t rip apart a relationship I was just building with her. “I like your hair. Is it different?” I said finally, running my fingers through the long, silky locks.

She laughed out loud, tipping her head back. “I was waiting for you to notice.”

“You’re always beautiful.”

She beamed up at me, her smile white and innocent. “Remember how we talked about me taking better care of myself?”

I nodded.

“Well, today I went to the doctor and then went to the salon and splurged on getting my hair done.”

“Good girl.” I pressed a kiss to her mouth. “Everything okay…with the doctor?”

“Yeah. I, um, got put on birth control.”

This time I couldn’t help the smile tugging on my mouth. My wide grin told her this knowledge made me very happy. Knowing I could be inside her without any barrier produced a caveman-like response in me. I’d always used condoms. Always. But McKenna was trusting me, giving herself to me fully. The thought was intoxicating.

“That’s…” I choked on the words and this time McKenna was the one laughing at me.

“You like that, don’t you?” she teased. “Good, because I got a shot in my butt today for you.”

Bringing both hands down to her backside, I rubbed her ass cheeks gently. “My poor girl.” Nuzzling into her neck, I gave her a few slow, damp kisses as I moved closer to her mouth. “I’ll take good care of you tonight,” I murmured against her skin. It occurred to me she didn’t have any of her stuff here—nothing to sleep in, no toothbrush. It made me realize I needed to take better care of my girl, make sure she felt comfortable here.

She dropped her head to the side, giving me better access to her neck, her fingers still tracing little circles on my back, underneath my shirt. “You said we needed to celebrate. What did you have in mind?”

My lips curled in a smile as I planted a kiss on the spot just beneath her ear. “You sure you can handle it?”

She nodded eagerly.

My fingers found the hem of her shirt and I began to lift it over her head, my body all too ready to show her all the ways she was mine.

“Wait.” Her hands stopped me. “You said there was more we needed to discuss.”

I faltered, swallowing a lump in my throat. “Yeah. Ah, I wanted to tell you, you wanting to help Luke…if it’s what you want, that’s cool with me.”

“Yeah?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I confirmed. “You and him work out the details. I trust you.”

“You’re being so good tonight.” She patted my chest. “Very cooperative.”

God, it had been too long since we’d had a night like this, one where we could be playful and just enjoy each other. There had been too much shit swirling over both of us lately, and though I knew I should say more, something in me couldn’t. We deserved tonight. We deserved to just enjoy each other.

“Now, where were we?” I pulled her close so our bodies were pressed tightly together and took her mouth in a hungry kiss, gripping the back of her neck to hold her close to me. McKenna moaned into my kiss, angling her mouth to mine. She was so responsive, so needy, and the dominant lurking inside me fucking loved it.

My cell phone vibrated in my pocket and McKenna let out a soft whimper as the buzzing device pressed against the front of her jeans.

I chuckled at her response. She liked that. Good to know. “One second, baby.” I released her and tugged the phone from my pocket. I was going to toss it on my dresser, get rid of the interruption, but Jaxon’s name flashed on the screen.

Shit. Nice timing, asshole. “You better be dead or dying,” I bit out as I answered the call.

McKenna swatted at me again. “Be nice,” she mouthed.

“Close,” Jaxon croaked. “I’m at Regency Hospital. In the ER. Can you come get me?”

“What the fuck? What happened?”

“I got jumped. I’ll explain when you get here.”

Motherfucker. “On my way.”

“What’s wrong? What happened?” McKenna’s worried gaze met mine.

“Jaxon’s in trouble again. Can you stay here with the boys?”

Her hand flew to her mouth and she nodded.

Adjusting my raging boner, I fled down the stairs.

When Jaxon and I arrived home, I didn’t care that he could hardly walk or see out of eyes nearly swollen shut—I made him march up the stairs to his room. I didn’t want him sleeping on the couch and the sorry sight of him to be the first thing Tucker saw when he woke up in the morning.

“Get to bed. We’ll talk about this in the morning.”

Jaxon huffed. “If I don’t get them their money, there will be nothing to talk about. I’m telling you, man, this crew is ruthless.”

I fisted my hands at my sides, fighting the urge to punch the wall. “We’ll figure it out.” I had no idea how, but of course the responsibility would fall on me.

Apparently we’d made enough of a racket that we’d woken McKenna. She peeked inside the room, gazing in with wide eyes. “Oh God.” Her hand flew to her mouth. “Jax…” She crossed the room and pressed one hand to his cheek. He winced at the contact and she withdrew. “What happened?” A lone tear rolled down her face and I took a deep breath, fighting to calm myself down.

“He was beaten within an inch of his life over a gambling debt. They dropped him off at the emergency room and promised this time was just a warning if he doesn’t pay back what he owes,” I answered for him.

McKenna’s gaze left mine and searched Jaxon’s. He looked guilty. I knew he felt as terrible as he looked, which was the only thing helping me contain my rage.

“Jax…why?” she asked.

“I was trying to help.”

I cursed under my breath and pressed my fingers against my temples.

Jaxon hobbled closer, scowling as he met my gaze. He looked every bit as pissed off as I felt. “I’m not a kid, Knox. I know you’re struggling with the money for Luke’s college, and that shouldn’t be what ruins this for him. Or for you and McKenna. You’re a dick when you get stressed out and you make stupid fucking decisions. You’re happy, like actually happy for the first time in a long time, and Luke…Luke deserves to go to college. I was doing my part. You’re not the only one who can take care of this family.”

“This was your way of taking care of things? Fuck. Next time, get a job. You know, something actually legal that’s not going to end up costing me money to bail your ass out.”

“Don’t be mad at Jax,” McKenna chimed in. “He was trying to help. Even if it wasn’t in the right way, his intentions were in the right place.”

“He’s fucking eighteen years old, McKenna. He’s an adult. He knows better.”

Jaxon collapsed onto his unmade bed, lying back and releasing a heavy sigh. “If I don’t pay them back…”

“I know.” I clenched my jaw. I knew the group of guys he’d bet and lost against. A local street gang of thugs. Even if I didn’t like the idea of caving to their demands, I knew he was right. They wouldn’t stop until they had fucked us over, and this beating was the tip of the iceberg in terms of what they were capable of. I couldn’t have them going after Luke or Tuck. We needed to take care of this.

“How much do you owe?” McKenna asked, her voice whisper soft.

“Twenty-five thousand,” Jaxon said, not meeting my eyes.

“Fuck, no, McKenna. This isn’t on you to fix.” This was not what I envisioned when I told her she could help Luke.

Luke entered the room and closed the door behind him. “You guys need to lower your voices unless we want to turn this into a family meeting.” He grimaced when he saw Jaxon. “Shit, bro.”

Christ, the last thing we needed was Tucker getting up. Although if I was being honest, I knew Jaxon’s injuries would look worse tomorrow. His eyes were already nearly swollen shut and his lip was busted apart and huge. By morning the bruises would begin to turn purple. He clutched his ribs and toed off his shoes. McKenna knelt beside his bed to help him.

“Everyone out. Jaxon needs his sleep.” Luke and I started for the door when McKenna’s hand flew up, stopping us.

“Wait.” She swallowed and straightened her shoulders. “I have the money. I was going to give it to Luke for college…”

Luke’s gaze flew to hers and a smile blossomed on his mouth.

“But…” she continued. “It sounds like at the moment, making sure Jax doesn’t end up dead is more important.”

Luke’s smile fell and he shot a murderous look at Jaxon. Jax closed his eyes, obviously unable to watch the disappointment looming in Luke’s expression.

“We don’t have health insurance, so this little adventure at the hospital tonight is going to cost us, too,” Luke added.

Shit, he was right. As much as I hated the idea of McKenna bailing us out, I realized we had little choice. I might have been okay with her helping Luke out, giving him money toward his education, but I hated the idea of her throwing away her money toward Jaxon’s criminal enterprises. I would pay her back every penny. And I would make sure Luke still got to go to college too. Somehow.

“We’ll figure this out tomorrow.”

My tone was final and McKenna nodded. I doubted sleep would come tonight, as wound up as I was, but we headed up the stairs and climbed into bed, deafening silence hanging all around us.