Wife And Mother Forever

CHAPTER TWELVE

SHE began to lose track of time. Day seemed to follow day with little difference between them. Sometimes she felt as though she’d been translating the same book for ever and it was almost a surprise to receive three sets of galleys to check. At some time recently she must have worked on these books, but it felt like another life.

She sat at her screen for hours, crawling into bed at the last moment, getting up with the dawn, drinking black coffee before forcing herself awake with a cold shower.

Then it was back to work. Don’t think. Don’t listen to the phone that never rings. Don’t wonder how you’ll endure the rest of your life.

Mark still corresponded with her. She knew how often he went to Naples, and also how often Justin left him with his grandmother while he went away on business. She formed a vague idea that he was burying himself in work to avoid thinking and feeling, like herself.

She always worded her own emails carefully, in case Justin should see them. She couldn’t bear to think of him knowing how she still pined for him when he had destroyed their love so decisively, although Mark ended every email with a hopeful, Dad isn’t dating anyone else.

In spring she went down to the cottage. She’d been avoiding it, using the cold weather as an excuse. The truth was that she couldn’t bear the thought of returning to the place where she had been with Justin, and had learned to love him.

But with the extra money he’d paid her from the sale she could do many necessary repairs, and at last the moment had to be faced. She bought a small car and drove down to Penzance.

The cottage was chilly and the emptiness felt more bleak even than she’d anticipated. There was the little kitchen where he’d cooked, and she’d begun to realise he had more facets than she’d imagined. There was the sofa where she’d awoken to find him kneeling beside her, regarding her with tender concern.

Her footsteps echoed on the flagstones, then up the stairs to the silent, empty bedrooms. She wondered how she could ever bear to be here again, but then she knew she couldn’t bear to leave. This was the place where they had loved, and he would be with her here for ever.

She began to go swimming. The water was still chilly, but she found it bracing and would swim out a long way. The journey back would tire her, and that way she could get some sleep.

One morning she went out early and swam further than usual. At last she realised that it would be wise to turn back. She returned slowly, feeling the strength draining away from her while the shore seemed to recede instead of growing closer. Her arms and legs were heavy and she seemed to make no progress.

Her mind was growing fuzzy. It would be so easy to let herself fall asleep now.

Once before she’d come out this far and Justin had been alarmed, calling her back to safety, powering through the water to reach her. To tease him she had pushed on further, daring him to catch up.

That had been in the early days, before Andrew’s defection, and everything had been a game, but when he’d been about to catch her she’d suddenly become very conscious of her near nakedness in the bikini, the way he was bound to seize her around the waist and draw her against him.

But he’d only grabbed her wrist and yelled something about showing a little common sense. She’d started to laugh, and he’d said, ‘Hold on to me while we go back.’

She’d laughed harder, saying, ‘Who needs to?’ Then she had broken away from him and swam off, freshly invigorated by the sudden pounding of her blood.

She closed her eyes, reliving the moment, wondering why she hadn’t seen the truth then. And would it have made any difference to the end?

‘Eee-viee!’

The voice came from the sky, from the sea, from the air. It was all around her.

‘Eee-viee!’

The sound narrowed down to a point on the shore. A tall, elegant woman stood there, calling and waving to her.

It was Hope.

Evie blinked, trying to realise that the impossible was happening. Somehow she brought her limbs back to life and began to make her way to shore.

As she reached shallow water and rose to her feet she stumbled, discovering just how exhausted she was. Without hesitation Hope began to wade in, oblivious to the damage to her couture clothes. Reaching Evie, she pulled her arm about her shoulders and supported her back to safety.

There, Evie could do no more than collapse on the sand, looking up at Hope as she leaned over her, saying in a voice of total exasperation, ‘Honestly, you’re as bad as he is!’

Later, in the warmth of the cottage, when Evie had showered and dressed, Hope said firmly, ‘Sit down and eat.’

Attired in Evie’s towel dressing gown while her own clothes dried out, she had taken over the kitchen and concocted a delicious meal from whatever she’d found there. Eating it with relish, Evie recognised the hand of a genuine born home-maker.

This had always been inevitable, she realised. Part of her had known that Hope would never leave matters as they were.

‘Are you angry that I came?’ Hope asked, sitting at the table with her and pouring a cup of strong tea.

‘Of course not. I’m glad to see you. But I thought you were in Italy, with Mark.’

‘My grandson does not need me at the moment. He has the whole family to make a fuss of him. I came to England to see my son. He’s the one who needs me now. You also.’

Evie gave a brief laugh. ‘Oh, I’m managing.’

‘Are you?’ Hope asked, regarding her critically. ‘It didn’t seem that way out there.’

‘I was just tired, getting my second wind before I swam back.’

‘Perhaps, but something tells me that you were thinking dangerous thoughts.’

Before Hope’s shrewd but kindly gaze Evie found that it was impossible to dissemble.

‘Well, if I was, it was only for a moment,’ she said. ‘I’d have pulled myself together.’

‘Of course. You are a woman. Somehow we always pull ourselves together. But them-’ She shrugged, dismissing and disrespecting the entire world of men.

She glanced around the cottage, taking in Evie’s desk, the open books, the signs of relentless work. Watching her, Evie had the feeling that she understood everything.

‘Do you ever sleep?’ Hope asked at last.

‘Only when I have to,’ Evie admitted. ‘For the rest of the time-’ She shrugged.

‘There is always work,’ Hope agreed. ‘It is as I thought. You cope better than he does.’

‘You’ve seen him?’ Evie asked eagerly. ‘How is he?’

‘I was with him yesterday. He’s like you, working too hard, late into the night. His telephone rings constantly. He barks out his orders.’ She gave a sigh. ‘It is terrible.’

‘We each cope in our own way,’ Evie said.

‘He isn’t coping,’ Hope said at once. ‘He thinks he is, but actually he’s dying. The outer shell is the same but inside he’s crumbling to dust.’

‘Don’t,’ she whispered. ‘Please don’t say any more.’

‘But I have to. How else can I help my son? Evie, I’ve come to tell you that you must return to him. You must. Or he is finished.’

‘But Hope, I didn’t leave him. He sent me away. That was what he wanted.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous; of course that wasn’t what he wanted. It’s what he felt he had to do, for your sake. It was his idea of being strong, and of course he got it all wrong. He needs you. He can’t survive without you.’

‘He thinks he can.’

‘Then you must show him his mistake. You must return to him, whether he agrees or not. If he protests, ignore him. Move in and refuse to budge. Evie, I beg you to listen to me. You’re his last chance. I’ve never been able to do anything for my son before, but I must do this for him.’

Evie was silent, torn by temptation. The yearning for Justin was a cruel ache that pervaded her and reduced the rest of her life to rubble. And yet-

‘I can’t,’ she said desperately. ‘It isn’t that I don’t want to. I do. I want him so much, night and day, all the time, every minute, if you only knew-’

‘You think I don’t know that longing?’ Hope asked wryly.

Evie had put her hands up to her head, almost tearing her hair, but at this she lowered them again.

‘Yes, I suppose you do,’ she said.

‘When I was fifteen I fell in love with a boy a few years older. His name was Philip. He was wild and handsome and all the girls wanted him. My mother warned me against him. She said he was a bad lot. He came from a family of criminals and was just like them.

‘But I didn’t care. I was honoured that he chose me. I gave him whatever he wanted, sure that our love would last for ever. Of course, when I became pregnant, he didn’t want to know. That was when I discovered how many other girls he had. Soon after that he was sent to prison.

‘In those days unmarried mothers didn’t have the help they have now. I longed to keep my baby, for I still loved Philip. I fantasised about going to see him in prison, taking our child with me. He would be so moved by the sight that he would love me again, and when he came out we would be together. Ah, the tales one tells oneself at fifteen!’

She sighed and fell silent. Evie put her hand over the older woman’s and received a squeeze in return. They sat like that for a moment.

‘Then my baby was born,’ Hope resumed at last, ‘but I never saw him. They said he’d been born dead and taken away at once. From that moment I grieved for him, and when I learned the truth it only made the grief greater, to think that he was alive somewhere and I might never see him.

‘I did Jack Cayman a great disservice by marrying him without truly loving him. He had a son, Primo, and I think I tried to replace one son with another. Primo and I grew close, then Jack and I adopted another son, Luke. But you can’t use one child to replace another.

‘I tried to be a good mother to them, but then I met Franco and we fell in love. He was married. We couldn’t be together, but Francesco was born from our love.’

‘And Toni?’ Evie asked shyly.

Hope gave a warm smile.

‘Toni was the love of my maturity, and he still is. He always will be.’

But she did not say that Toni was the love of her life, Evie noted.

‘When you both came to Naples last year,’ Hope resumed, ‘I was overjoyed. I looked forward to long talks with my son. I would tell him everything, and we would be united as mother and son. But-’ She sighed and gave a helpless shrug.

‘You didn’t tell him anything?’ Evie asked.

‘Oh, yes, but only the bare facts. Of course, the child I’d dreamed of didn’t exist. In his place was a man who’d turned himself to iron in order to endure what life had done to him. How could I share my thoughts and feelings? They would simply have embarrassed him.

‘We spent long hours together talking about nothing of importance. At the end of it our hearts were still closed to each other, and I think now that his heart will remain closed, except to his son, and to you.

‘He doesn’t feel that I am his mother. He knows it with his head, but it’s a meaningless word because he’s never had a mother’s love or care from me. That’s why he always calls me Hope, never Mother.’

‘Yes, I wondered about that.’

‘Now I’m trying to do the only thing I can for him. He told me how he forced your parting, and why, and he’s right in many ways. He is a dark man inside, and not every woman could cope with him. But I believe you can, and I’m here to beg you to go back and give him another chance.’

‘But Hope-’

The older woman seized both her hands and spoke fiercely.

‘I haven’t been a good woman, Evie. I have been cruel and selfish and I’ve hurt many people along the way. I try to make up for it, but some things can never be put right. I’ve learned a great deal about men-perhaps too much.

‘Some men are made to be husbands, and some to be lovers. I’ve known both kinds, and loved both kinds. A wise woman can sense the difference-’ she gave a rueful smile ‘-but I was not always wise.’

‘I think you’re the wisest woman I know.’

‘If so, I’ve bought that wisdom through hard and painful lessons. I told you I knew the yearning you are feeling-just for one man, because he’s the only one who will do. I know when you should run from it because it will destroy you. And I know when you should listen to it. I tell you, this time you should listen. Because otherwise you will never be free.’

‘How can I go back to him against his will? Maybe he secretly wanted a way out?’

‘You wouldn’t say that if you could see him now. If the two of you lose each other finally, you will survive, but I’m not sure that he will. He’s strong in his way, but it’s not the right way to help him now. You are connected to life in a way that he isn’t.’

‘If only I knew what was the right thing to do.’

‘Listen to your heart. It will tell you all you need to know. It won’t be easy for you. He’s always going to be a troubled man, but he needs you desperately. And you’ll have all his love, even if he finds it hard to tell you.’

Evie drew a sharp breath. ‘I’ll get dressed as fast as I can.’

Outside stood Justin’s car and driver, both of which, Evie guessed, Hope had simply commandeered.

As they drove back to London Evie reflected, with wonder, on a lifetime spent avoiding commitment. Now she was plunging into a commitment so deep it was terrifying. But not as terrifying as a life spent without him.

When, hours later, they reached Justin’s house, Hope let herself in with a key that perhaps she had also commandeered. Everywhere was very quiet, and at first Evie thought the place was empty. But then she saw him in the big garden, far away under the trees, in the fading light. She began to run.

When he looked up and saw her hurrying towards him, he grew very still. She half expected him to turn away, rejecting her, but at the last moment he opened his arms. When she went into them, they closed about her in a fierce grip.

But still he said, ‘Go away, Evie. Don’t do this,’ while his arms held her tighter and tighter.

‘Shut up,’ she said. ‘No more of your words. You won’t get rid of me with words again. I’m staying, do you hear?’

He groaned. ‘I’ll break your heart. Don’t you know that?’

‘Yes, and I’ll probably break yours. What of it? Hearts break and mend. But if we part again mine will break and never mend.’

She shut off his reply by kissing him. Her embrace held as much strength and determination as passion, and at last the message began to get through to him. The decision was no longer his. She had taken over, imposing her will on him, and all he needed to do was yield in peace and joy.

She drew back, taking his face between her hands. Months of anguish had left him thin and haggard.

‘I’m here to stay, do you understand that?’ she said. ‘No more foolishness; we’re going to be married.’

He nodded, smiling faintly.

‘If you take me on, it’s that lifetime commitment that you didn’t want,’ he warned her.

‘Leave me to worry about that.’

‘Evie, listen to me. Once this is done, I won’t let you go, ever. I’ll be jealous and demanding, possessive, selfish, unreasonable-’

‘That’s understood,’ she said with a shaky laugh. ‘I’ll just kick your shins.’

‘Be warned. Leave me before it’s too late.’

‘You fool, it was too late long ago. We just didn’t realise it. It’s all right.’ She kissed him gently. ‘It’s all right-all right-’

Then he yielded, dropping his head on to her shoulder with a sound that was like a sob. She held him close, soothing him silently.

When he looked up, Hope was standing there in the gloom.

‘Did you do this?’ he asked.

She nodded.

‘Thank you-Mother.’ His voice lingered on the word.

Hope gave a little satisfied smile and moved away until she was lost among the trees. They could do without her now, and she had a wedding to plan.

The two in the garden didn’t see her go. They had set their feet on a long, troubled road, where there would be bitterness as well as joy. But the joy would be there, all the sweeter for the struggle. And they would travel together, with no turning back.