Worth the Chance

Chapter 48

Liv

I don’t want to cry anymore. Sitting on the couch with Ally, I rehash everything in my head for the thousandth time, only this time I speak my thoughts aloud. Finally. Two days curled up in the fetal position alternating between crying and sleeping scared her. Scared me. I feel bad for making her worry. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought losing a man would affect me so profoundly. Although Vinny’s not any man, and the loss affects me deeply. I finally own up to why.

“I’m in love with him, Ally.” A trail of dried tears stains my face, my eyes puffy and nose Rudolph red against my pale skin. Perhaps the well has run dry, I’m ready to talk now, words without tears.

“It really took you this long to figure that out?” she questions, half joking. I guess deep down I knew it all along, only I was afraid to admit it. Afraid I would get hurt again if I gave him my heart. Irony is a funny thing.

“I’m not even sure where I went wrong. It started off innocently enough. I admit, at first the thought of trading his story for my dream job was tempting. May have even thought I could do it, I wanted the job so damn badly. But the more time I spent with him, the harder I fell. Then I talked myself into things to avoid dealing with it. For a while there, I actually had myself believing it wasn’t true. That I could be the superhero, prove the truth to the paper, kill the story, and get the guy in the end.”

I laugh at how ridiculous it sounds to even say the words aloud. “By the time I finally admitted to myself that the story was true, I couldn’t bring myself to crush him by telling him what I was assigned to do. Every day it just got harder to come clean, yet I fell deeper at the same time.”

“You need to tell him, Liv.”

I smile at my best friend. She’s always there for me, I appreciate she’s trying to help. But she didn’t see him. That ship has sailed. “I wish it was that easy, Ally.”

“So what are you going to do, sit here and let him walk out of your life? Again.”

“I don’t know, Al, I’m not sure there is anything I can do at this point to change things. You didn’t see him.”

After another restless night of sleep, I wake feeling like a freight train ran me over. Then backed up. And ran me over again. Physical ailing aside, at least morning brings me some semblance of clarity.

“Morning, sunshine.” Ally smiles at me as she retrieves her toast from the toaster, burning her finger in the process. Bringing her finger to her mouth, her usual first aid treatment, she asks, “How are you feeling?”

“Like crap.”

She smiles. “You look like crap too.”

Leave it to Ally to make me laugh. “Thanks, friend.”

“No problem.” She grabs out a plate and tosses her half burnt toast in the general vicinity. “Want me to make you toast?”

“Ummm…no thanks. I’ll get something on my way.”

She arches her eyebrows in surprise. “You’re going out?”

“I’m going to see Delilah.”

“Vince’s mother?”

“Yep.”

“Why?”

Pouring my morning coffee into a to go cup, I head toward the door. “I have no idea. I just need to talk to her.”

I manage to find my way back to Delilah’s, which is a feat, considering I’ve only been there once and my propensity for getting lost. She looks exhausted and stressed, although after hearing Vinny talk about her, I’m grateful that she seems to be sober.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course, is everything okay?” Stepping aside, Delilah looks past me, expecting someone to be with me.

“Everything’s fine. Well, no. That’s not true. Everything isn’t fine. Vinny is fine. Well, I mean he isn’t hurt or anything,” I stammer. Nice job playing it cool, Olivia, real cool. I mentally roll my eyes at myself.

“I know what you mean.” Her shoulders slump in defeat. “He was here earlier.”

Jesus, I hadn’t even thought of that. What if I’d come by and he was here, or walked in while I was sitting talking to his mother? I’m not even sure why I’ve come…there’s no way I could have explained myself to him. Surely he’d think I was working, trying to glam more for my story.

“Is he upset?”

“Angry. He’s very angry.” Tears well up in her eyes. “All I’ve ever done to that boy was let him down. I just know I’m going to lose him for what I’ve gotten him into this time.”

“I’m afraid I’ve lost him already.” I look at his frail mother. Time has not been kind. She looks older than her years, not healthy, way too thin. We come from different places, yet the two of us have a bond in the moment. Two women, loving and hurting the same man. A lone tear falls, I don’t have the energy to even try to stop it. I’m just so emotionally drained.

“Oh no. I’m sorry honey, I didn’t realize you two were having trouble.” Reaching over, she gently takes my hand into hers, “I saw the way he looked at you. Whatever happened, I’m sure you can fix it.”

“I’m not sure he can forgive me.”

“Forgive you? What could you possibly have done?”

I guess he didn’t tell her that I was the reason he found out in such an awful way the truth about his father. “It’s a long story.” I exhale loudly. “But I was the writer assigned to write the story about his real father.”

“His what?” Her already pasty face goes stark white, every bit of color disappearing almost instantly.

I spend the next hour telling her everything. Spilling my heart out. The Senator, Jax, the fight, the newspaper. All of it. I leave no stone unturned in my confession. I’d thought she just didn’t know about my role in the story, but it turned out, she didn’t know any part of the story. After the shock of her dark past comes to light, she looks sad, yet something in her also screams relief. Carrying around such a big secret for twenty-five years had to have been difficult.

“But I’m confused, if you didn’t know about the secret coming out, why were you so concerned about losing Vinny?”

“I dragged him into something horrible. There was this guy I trusted. I introduced him to some bad people…” She trails off.

“Jason?”

She nods and does her best attempt at a smile. “Well, they found him.”

“That’s great.” Might be the first piece of good news I’ve heard in days.

“Not exactly.”

For the next hour, it’s her turn. She fills me in on what they’ve been through the last two days. I feel sick thinking of the choice before Vinny. As if what I’ve done to him isn’t bad enough. He’s now forced to give up the one thing that he probably feels like he can control. The thing he has worked so hard for all these years. My heart that I thought was already broken beyond repair shatters into a million little pieces.

Leaving even more drained and tired than I felt when I arrived hours earlier, I stop as I get to the door, remembering one more unanswered question. “Whose dog tags does he wear every day? He thinks they’re his father’s.”

Not thinking it could get any worse, her answer betrays even me, sorrow oozing from her voice. Her face. Her every being. “Bought them from a used bin at the Salvation Army.”

I drive downtown and walk for hours. Getting nowhere, aimlessly thinking in circles. Finding myself in front of Nico’s gym, I decide I’m more afraid of the consequences of my inaction than the reaction I might receive. Trembling inside, I will myself steady and open the door. The guy at the front door has a face full of cuts, bruises, and bandages, and turns away quicker than I can get my voice out to speak.

But I don’t need for him to tell me if Vinny’s here, because I know. I feel it in my bones, in my blood…the crackle in the air, the unmistakable tension that tells me he’s near. Scanning the room, I turn…it doesn’t take me very long to find him. He’s found me across the room, before my eyes find his. Staring daggers, he takes long strides to make his way to me. Seeing the look in his eyes, my brain tells me to flee, yet my heart has me frozen in place.

“What do you want?” he asks, his words scathing through gritted teeth.

“I wanted to see if you were okay.”

“I’m fine. Is that it?” He folds his arms across his chest, feigning indifference, although I know better. He’s hurt and in protective mode.

“I’m sorry, Vinny.”

“You’ve said that. Anything else?”

“I never meant to hurt you.”

“You didn’t.”

I lower my head. I feel ashamed for what I’ve done, but I have no shame in telling him how I feel. I need him to know. “I love you.” A tear runs down my face.

“If you’re done, you can get the hell out, Liv.” He turns his back and storms away angrily.