A Good Woman

Chapter 11

Nothing in Annabelle’s life prepared her for what Josiah had to say. The impact of his words on her was as powerful as the morning she had seen the headlines about the Titanic. Everything he said to her hit her like a bomb. At first, he didn’t know where to start. She reached out to him, and took his hand in her own.

“What’s wrong?” she asked him kindly. She couldn’t imagine a problem that would reduce him to the despair she was seeing. He looked devastated. He took a breath then, and began.

“I don’t know how to say this to you, Annabelle,” he said, squeezing her hand. He knew how innocent she still was, and how hard this would be for her to understand. He had wanted to say it to her six months before but thought it would be best to wait until after the holidays, and then her mother had gotten so sick. And he couldn’t tell her after Consuelo died. Annabelle had been too devastated by her mother’s death to sustain yet another blow, and worse yet at his hands. It had been almost six months since Consuelo’s death, and selling the house had been a shock as well. But he just couldn’t wait any longer. She had to know. He couldn’t live a charade anymore, it was driving him insane.

“I don’t understand what’s wrong,” she said, tears filling her eyes now too, before she even knew. “Have I done something to upset you?” He shook his head vehemently.

“Of course not. You’ve been nothing but wonderful to me. You’re a perfect, devoted wife. It’s not you who’s done something wrong, Annabelle, it’s me…right from the beginning. I truly thought I could be a good husband to you, that I could give you a good life. I wanted to-” He started to say more, but she instantly cut him off, hoping to stem the tide. But it was a tidal wave now, which even he couldn’t stop. It had to be faced.

“But you are a good husband, and you do give me a good life.” There was the sound of pleading in her voice, which broke his heart to hear.

“No, I don’t. You deserve so much more. So much more than I can give you. I thought I could, I was certain of it at first, or I would never have done this to you. But I can’t. You deserve a man who can give you everything you want, all your heart’s desires, and who can give you children.”

“We’re in no hurry, Josiah. You always say that we have time.”

“No, we don’t,” he said, looking resolute, his mouth hardening into a firm line. This was much harder to do than he had feared. The worst part of it was that he loved her, but knew he had no right to that now, he never did. And he felt guilty too for breaking his promise to her mother to take care of her, but the situation was far more complicated than Consuelo could have imagined. “We’ve been married for almost two years. I’ve never made love to you. I’ve given you a thousand excuses and fobbed you off.” She had wondered once or twice before if he had a physical problem he’d been too embarrassed to tell her about. But she had always had the feeling that it was emotional and a matter of adjustment, which she hoped he would resolve over time, and never had. They both knew that after nearly two years of marriage, she was still a virgin. She had never admitted it to anyone, not even Hortie or her mother. She had been too ashamed, and feared it was because of something she was doing wrong, or that Josiah didn’t find her attractive. She had tried everything imaginable, from new hairdos to different clothes, and ever more seductive nightgowns, until she’d finally given up on those as well, and decided that he was anxious and it would happen when it was meant to, and he was ready. But she had worried about it a great deal, although she tried to make light of it now to him. “I truly thought when I married you, that I was capable of being a man to you. I’m not. Every time I thought about it, I knew it was wrong, and I could not trade your virtue for a lie.”

“It’s not a lie,” she said valiantly, fighting for her life, and that of their marriage. But she had lost before she began. She never had a chance. “We love each other. I don’t care if you never make love to me. There are more important things in life than that.” He smiled at how innocent she still was. There were many of both sexes who wouldn’t have agreed with her, and he didn’t himself. She just didn’t know any better, and if she stayed with him, she never would.

“You deserve better than I can give you. Annabelle, you must listen to me. It may be hard for you to understand, but I want to be honest with you.” He knew he should have been from the beginning, but he had to be now. He was about to take all her innocence from her in a single night, and perhaps destroy her faith in men forever. But he had no other choice. He had thought about this for a long time, and waited longer than he should have, for both their sakes. He couldn’t do this anymore. He loved her. But everything about their marriage was wrong.

Her eyes were wide as she watched him, and her fingers shook in his hand as she tightened her grip, bracing herself for what he was about to say. Her whole body was shaking, although she wasn’t aware of it. He could see her shoulders tremble as she waited. “It’s not women that I want to make love with,” he said in a hoarse voice of confession. “It’s men. I thought I could be a decent husband to you, that I could go counter to my own nature, but I can’t. That’s not who I am. It’s why I never married before. I love you deeply, I love everything about you, but not in that way.” And then he added what seemed like the final blow. “Henry and I have been in love with each other since we were boys.” Her eyes were so wide as she stared at him that for a moment he thought she would faint. But she was braver than that, and she refused to give in to the dizziness and nausea that engulfed her.

“Henry?” Her voice was barely more than a squeak. Henry, who had been their constant companion, and who she thought was their dearest friend? He had betrayed her totally, and had the part of her husband that she would never have. And Josiah had betrayed her as well.

“Yes. He understood that I wanted to marry you, and have children with you. I genuinely loved you, and I felt so sorry for you when your father died. I wanted to be everything to you. Father, brother, friend. The one thing I found I couldn’t do, and wanted to, was be your husband. I couldn’t bring myself to take the lie any further. And I couldn’t lie to my own nature. Everything in me refused.” She was nodding quietly, trying to absorb what he had said. It was a lot to take in all at once. Everything about their marriage to each other, their vows, their honeymoon, the promises they had made each other, the two years since, had been a fraud. “I thought that I could force myself to lead a double life, but I can’t. And I can’t keep doing this to you, while you gently try to ask me why nothing has ever happened between us, and now it can’t. I discovered something six months ago that changed everything, and now I’m grateful that I was never able to overcome my reservations. I discovered in December that I have syphilis. Under no circumstances would I lay a hand on you now, or try to give you the babies I know you want so much. I wouldn’t risk your life. I love you too much for that.” Two lone tears streamed down his cheeks as he spoke, and she threw her arms around him and buried her face in his neck, sobbing hysterically. It was the worst news she’d had from him so far, even worse than the other.

“Josiah…it can’t be…” She raised her tearstained face then to look at him. He looked the same to her, but she didn’t know the signs. And for now, there were none. But in time, there would be. Eventually, he would go blind, and even die. His fate was sealed, and Henry’s as well. They had discovered it together, and at least had the comfort of knowing that neither would have to survive the other. Theirs had been a powerful love for twenty years, for all of their adult lives, and it would follow them now to the grave. “Are you sure?”

“Entirely. And as soon as I found out, I knew I had to be honest with you, but then your mother got sick…I just didn’t have the heart to add to that. But we have to do something about it now. I can’t let this go on forever.”

“I don’t want to do anything,” she said staunchly, letting go of his hands and wiping away her tears with both of hers. “I want to stay married to you till the end.”

“I won’t let you do that. That’s not fair to you. Henry and I want to go away with each other, and enjoy whatever time we have.” She was shocked to realize that he didn’t want to spend his last days with her, he wanted to be with the man he loved. It was the cruelest rejection she would ever know. Josiah took another breath then, to tell her the rest. “I have spoken to my attorney in confidence. He has already arranged for us to be divorced. We’ll do it as quietly as possible. If anyone asks, you can say I was a dreadful husband, and you’re well rid of me.”

“But I don’t want to be rid of you,” she sobbed, clinging to him again. And they both knew that adultery was the only grounds for divorce and if he divorced her, people would imagine she’d been unfaithful and she didn’t want to divorce him, and wouldn’t. He knew that too. If he wanted to free her, for her own sake, he would have to divorce her, so she couldn’t refuse. “Can’t we just stay married?” she asked, sounding panicked, as he shook his head. He was determined, and nothing would sway him from his decision. She knew how he was when he got like that. He was an easy man to live with much of the time, except for the occasional melancholy mood, and his stubbornness, which he said he got from his father.

“We can’t stay married, Annabelle,” he said gently. “We could try to have our marriage annulled, but not without saying why, which would be embarrassing for both of us. And after two years, I’m not even sure we could. It’s far simpler and quicker if we get divorced. I want you to be free to move on with your life as soon as possible. At least I owe you that. You need to find another man, get married, and have the married life you deserve. You need a real husband and a real marriage. Not this fraud.”

“But I don’t want to move on, and be married to someone else,” she said, sobbing.

“You want children, and I could be sick and linger for years. I don’t want you tied to me, wasting your life for all those years.” He was forcing her to give him up, so he could go away, which was everything she didn’t want. All she wanted was him. She loved him just as she had from the beginning. She wasn’t angry at him, she was heartbroken by what he had said. And the last thing she wanted was a divorce.

“You must listen to me,” Josiah insisted. “I know what’s right. I made a terrible mistake, and we must correct it now. We could get divorced in Kentucky, which seems stupid and sneaky. It makes more sense to do it in New York, since we live there. No one will know the details. We’ll get a private hearing, and be discreet about it.” He took a sharp breath then. “I’m going back to the city tomorrow, to see my attorney again. And then Henry and I will go away. We’re going to Mexico for a while.” They would have preferred to go to Europe, but it was no longer reasonable or practical to do so, so they had chosen Mexico instead. There, they wouldn’t see anyone they knew and could quietly disappear, which was all they wanted now, for the time they had left.

“When will you come back?” Annabelle asked weakly. After losing everyone else, now she was losing him.

“Not for a long time,” he said, sounding harsher than he meant to, and not wanting to say “Never.” But he wanted her to accept that it was over for them. It should never have started in the first place, but now he wanted the end to be quick. It seemed kinder to him. But the look on Annabelle’s face said he was wrong. She looked completely undone by everything he had said, particularly that he was leaving her the next day.

She couldn’t imagine how she would survive without him. She would be completely alone in the world when he left. He had Henry, and always had as it turned out, and she had no one. Neither parents, nor brother, and now not him.

“Why can’t we stay married?” she asked plaintively, sounding almost like a child. “It’s no different than it was before.”

“Yes, it is. You know the truth now, and so do I. I need to free you, Annabelle. I owe you at least that. I’ve wasted two years of your life.” Worse than that, he had destroyed it. She had nothing now, except her inheritance. She no longer even had a house in town. She’d have to stay in a hotel. She couldn’t even stay at his apartment if they were divorcing. But he had thought of it as well. “You can stay at the apartment until you get your bearings, until you decide what you want to do. I’ll be gone in a few days.” He and Henry had already made their plans.

“I wish I hadn’t sold the house,” she said weakly, but they both knew it had been the right thing to do. It was too much house for her, and she couldn’t stay there all alone, particularly not as an unmarried woman. She needed a more manageable establishment of her own. And he felt certain that she would remarry in a short time. She was a beautiful girl and only twenty-two years old. And she had all the innocence and freshness of youth. At least he hadn’t spoiled that, although she felt as though she had aged a dozen years in the past hour. He stood up then and put his arms around her. He hugged her, but did not kiss her. The fraud he had perpetrated on her was over. He no longer belonged to her, and never had. He had been Henry’s all along, and they were about to pay a high price for his trying to be something he wasn’t. He loved her but not in the ways he needed to in order to be her husband. It had been a sad discovery for him too. And even worse now for her. He held out no hope. He was relieved now that he had never made love to her. He would never have forgiven himself if he had infected her as well. What he had done was bad enough. He felt terrible about lying to her for all this time. Worse than that, he had lied to himself. He loved her, but his wedding vows had been empty and meant nothing.

He walked her up to her room, but refused to stay with her that night. He said it was no longer proper. He slept in the guest room downstairs, and she lay in her bed and sobbed all night. Eventually, she crept downstairs and tried to get into bed with him, just so they could hold each other, but he wouldn’t let her. He sent her back upstairs to her own room, feeling like a monster, and after she was gone, he lay in his own bed and cried. He truly loved her and it broke his heart to leave her, but he felt he had no other choice. He knew how troubled she had been by what had never happened between them, and he didn’t want her with him now as he deteriorated slowly or rapidly, and ultimately died. He had no right to do that to her, and he planned to stay away until the end. The disease was already advancing at a rapid rate, and Henry was starting to show signs of it as well. They had both taken arsenic treatments, and it hadn’t helped at all. They wanted to be away from New York now, and all those they knew, for what came next. It was time to leave Annabelle and let her begin a new life. He knew that in time, when she adjusted to it, she would understand that it was right.

She stood sobbing on the front steps when he left the next day. She was wearing black for her mother, and looked tragic as he drove away. Leaving her was the hardest thing he had ever done, and he felt ill and cried intermittently all the way back to New York. If he had killed her with his bare hands, it would have been no harder than this, and he wouldn’t have felt worse.