Abandon

Chapter Fifteen

I lie awake the whole night wondering if I’ve gotten myself into something that will undo me. I’ve never lived with a girlfriend – not that Senia’s my girlfriend. Yet. I’ve lived with Molly and Grandma most of my life, so I know about all the weird and gross things girls do in the privacy of their homes, but I’ve never actually lived with someone who wasn’t related to me – unless you count the summer before seventh grade when I lived with Elaine, but I never count that.

By the time I show up at Grandma’s house at 9 a.m. on Sunday morning, I’m having trouble keeping my eyes open. Entering the house, I’m greeted by the clanging of dishes in the kitchen. I close the door softly then head for the kitchen to surprise her.

The sight of her washing the breakfast dishes makes me sad. She shouldn’t have to do any cleaning during the last months of her life. I’m hiring her a maid tomorrow.

“Grandma?”

She whips her head around at the sound of my voice and she sighs with relief. “Oh, I’m so happy to see you.”

I give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek before I take a seat at the breakfast table. “Why are you so happy to see me?”

She sighs again, but this time it’s a heavy sigh weighed down by something I’m sure I don’t want to hear. “Molly came home late last night and she was drunk. I’m so worried about her. I tried to talk to her and tell her that we still have a lot of time to be together, but she was so out of it when I put her to bed. I don’t know if she heard anything I said. She’s still sleeping. I want to give her some time to sleep it off before I try to talk to her again.”

“I’ll talk to her,” I offer, gritting my teeth against the sudden urge I have to barge into Molly’s room and shake some sense into her. “It’s my fault she thinks it’s okay to do that. I’ll take care of it.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Don’t worry about it; just sit down,” I say, grabbing her hand as she reaches for a clean towel to dry the dishes she just washed. She purses her lips as I pull her away from the sink so she can sit at the table with me. “I have some news for you.”

“Well, it better be good. I’m not sure how much more bad news a woman in my condition can take.”

“It’s better than good.” I keep a tight grip on her hand as I lean forward on my elbows and look her in the eye. “I’m having a baby.”

Her eyebrows scrunch up and I can’t tell if she’s confused or if she’s going to cry. “Are you pulling my leg, because this is not funny?”

“No, I’m not joking. Are you not happy?”

She swallows hard and then the tears come and she quickly covers her face.

“Grandma, are you okay?”

She nods her head as she reaches for a napkin in the center of the table. She dabs the corners of her eyes and I start to worry that maybe I was wrong. Maybe she doesn’t want me to have a baby. Maybe she thinks I’m not ready.

What the fuck was I thinking? Of course she thinks I’m not ready.

She stops wiping at her face with the napkin, even though her eyes are still tearing. “When?”

I let out a small sigh. “Not for a while. She’s only a few weeks along. But I know you can make it.” My voice sounds garbled as my throat begins to close. “I know you’re gonna be there when it happens.”

She smiles weakly and grabs my hand. “I’m just so scared of leaving you all behind. The thought of leaving behind one more person …”

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I know,” she replies quickly as she leans forward and stares at the surface of the table. “I think the depression is setting in. The doctor said it would come soon and to prepare myself for it, but I don’t even know how to be prepared for this.” She squeezes her eyes shut and I reach forward to grab her hand. “It just hit me so hard. I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself any more. My mind just goes in circles all day and I find myself in a different room of the house, not sure how or why I’m there.”

I’ve never seen Grandma Flo like this. It kills me to think that the last months of her life will be spent worrying about the people she’s leaving behind.

“I’m going to take care of Molly and the baby. Don’t you worry about them.”

“And the girl?”

“Who?”

“I know you never bring girls here any more, but I’d like to meet the girl who’s going to be the mother of my great-grandchild. I’d like to think you’re going to take care of her, too.” She fixes me with a stern look and I can’t help but smile.

“You’ve already met her.” She looks surprised, so I continue before she can question me. “It’s Senia, Claire’s best friend. She came over a few years ago for Molly’s birthday.”

“I don’t remember her.”

“Well, when you meet her again you’ll never forget her.”

She pulls my hand to her chest and hugs it as if it’s a precious gift. “Thank you for coming here to tell me. When are you bringing her over?”

“Actually, she was here last week while you were asleep.” I take a deep breath and brace myself for the inevitable regret that will come from speaking the words I’m about to say. “But she’s moving in with me next weekend. Do you think you might want to come over with Molly?”

“To … to your house?”

I get a sharp pain in my chest at the sight of her uncertainty. I wish I didn’t have to keep my address a secret from Grandma and Molly – they’re just too easily influenced by Elaine. But I can’t keep being so cautious. I need to show Grandma and Moon that I trust them.

“Yeah, to my house. Senia or I will pick you both up next Saturday. Is that okay?”

“Is that okay? Oh, Tristan, that is not just okay. Those are the most beautiful words I’ve heard in months. I can’t wait to see your house. I’m …” She pauses to collect herself. “I’m so proud of you. You know that, don’t you? Everything you’ve done this year. You’ve made me so proud. And now this … You’ve made me the happiest old woman in the world.”

I smile as I realize that this news has done exactly what I wanted it to do. It’s given Grandma a small thread of hope that she can hold onto for the next few months. I only hope that Molly will feel the same way.

I arrive at the pub at 7.15 p.m., just as Link is setting out two frosty pints of beer in front of Chris. As usual, Chris is sitting in the last seat at the end of the bar. When he sees me, he throws me a curt nod. He’s still not over what happened at the pancake house.

“Hey, man,” I mutter as I take a seat next to him. “Is this Pliny?”

“What else would it be?”

We sit in silence for probably five minutes, but it feels like an hour. I don’t know if there’s anything I can say to Chris that would make this situation less awkward. Then he says something that makes me feel even more awful.

“They blew us off. There won’t be an open adoption. We got the letter this morning.”

“Fuck. I’m sorry, man. I don’t know what to say. I thought that telling you about … about Senia was the right thing to do. I fucked up.”

“Why? It’s not like…”

I have a feeling he was about to say, It’s not like you can keep the pregnancy a secret. We all know that’s not true. Chris and Claire are living proof of what happens when you hide a pregnancy.

“It doesn’t matter,” Chris continues, then takes a long swig of his beer. “It’s over. Abigail isn’t going to know us. But it’s just the beginning for you two. Don’t do what I did. Don’t fuck it up.”

I stare at the rising bubbles in my glass as I try to absorb these words. “I won’t.”