Abandon

Chapter Thirty-Seven

When I walk into Senia’s room, she’s awake and staring at the ceiling. She tries to turn her head at the sound of my voice, but the pain stops her. I rush to her side and I don’t care if she can see the tears in my eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper as I lean in to kiss her forehead. “I’m so sorry I left you behind.”

I grab her hand and she squeezes it against her chest. “The baby’s gone.”

“I know.” I smooth her dark hair away from her face and kiss her forehead again. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.”

She shakes her head and more tears slip loose from the corners of her eyes. “It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have worn those stupid heels.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t even think that.” I squeeze her hand and clench my jaw as I try to stay strong for her.

“Where did you go?” she whispers. “Where’s Molly?”

“Baby, I need to tell you something.” Her eyes squeeze shut and I lean in to kiss the tears on her temple. “I need to tell you everything.”

And I tell her everything; so much more than I told Molly. I want her to know the darkest parts of me, because those are the parts that will make her want to leave. When I’m done, her nails are digging into my hand. I gently pry her fingers loose and brush the tears from her cheeks.

“I always thought that if anyone knew the truth, if anyone knew the real me, and the things I’m capable of, no one would love me, and what’s the point of letting someone fall in love with a lie. So it was easy – I never fell in love and I never spoke to anyone about it until today. I never had a reason to. But you give me so many reasons to do things I never thought I could do. I just want to be better for you. I want to be better in your eyes.”

“I hate that bitch now and I’m so sorry I questioned you when you left.” I chuckle a little at this passionate response, but Senia’s face is full of anguish. “Now I know why you go from perfect to jerk in two seconds flat. But I’m sorry I ever doubted you. And I’m sorry if I ever doubt you in the future. I’m sure this will come as a total surprise to you, but I’m not perfect either. I mean, I’m practically defective now.”

“You’re not defective. Your CAT scan said your head was still perfect.” I brush my thumb across her cheekbone and she latches onto my hand. “Perfect in every way.”

“I’m not talking about my head,” she says, heaving a deep, exhausted sigh.

“I know. But you didn’t lose the baby because you’re defective. It happened because life isn’t perfect. Not you.”

“Lie with me?”

It takes me a moment to figure out how to lower the side rail on her bed, then she carefully turns onto her side so I can scoot in next to her. She lays the side of her head on my chest as I wrap my arm around her shoulders. I stroke her arm for a while, trying to pretend I can’t hear her crying.

“I had names picked out already.”

“What names?”

“Kalen for a girl and Cross for a boy.”

“I like Kalen, but I can’t agree to Cross.”

She breathes in deeply and I can feel the trembling in her chest against my chest. “What boys’ names do you like?”

“I was kind of hoping we could have a Junior.”

“But that’s so cliché.”

“And Cross is not a cliché? Didn’t you say you were reading a book with a character named Cross? We’re not naming our kids after characters.”

“Didn’t your mom name you after Tristan and Isolde?”

“That doesn’t count. Our son will be named Tristan. That is my only request.”

She’s silent for a moment before she speaks again. “How’s your grandma?”

I tighten my grip on her shoulder as I think of what the doctor told me shortly before I came in here. “The doctor said that he doesn’t think she’s going to come off the respirator soon; or, possibly, at all. And … and even if she does come off, she’ll be in a lot of pain.”

Senia uses the sheet to wipe the tears from her face this time. “Do you know what you’re going to do?”

“We have to find her will tomorrow. I’m pretty sure that she’s specified she doesn’t want to stay on any kind of life support. She told us she wants to go quietly. But I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

The pain wells up inside me and I try my hardest not to conjure up images in my mind of a life without Grandma Flo.

“I don’t know what this will do to Molly,” I continue. “I don’t know how I’m going to take care of her for the next five years until she becomes an adult. I don’t know the first thing about raising a teenager.”

“You’ll figure it out. You didn’t know anything about playing the bass when Chris came to you and asked if you wanted to start a band, and look at you now.”

I grab her hand and bring it to my lips. Her fingers smell like antibacterial hand soap. I hold the backs of her fingers against my cheek to feel the softness of her skin, then I lay a kiss on the inside of her wrist.

“What am I going to do with you? You always know what to say. You’re always outsmarting me.”

She finally lets go a small chuckle, which is quickly followed by a small whimper. “You did beat me at hide-and-seek,” she replies, her voice once again muffled by grief. Then she squeezes out a few words that are completely unrelated and totally unexpected. “I thought when I told you I was pregnant, you would tell me to get lost.”

I want to ask her why she would think that, but, if I were her, I would have thought the same thing about me five weeks ago. I would not have imagined myself inviting a pregnant girl to live with me and I definitely would never have imagined myself confessing my love to her and talking about weddings.

She clutches the front of my shirt in her fist. “I thought when you found out about the baby today, you’d leave me here alone.”

“What? I … don’t even know what to say to that. You thought I’d just abandon you like that?”

“I’m sorry. I just had this horrible feeling that the only reason you were with me was because of the baby.”

“I know you can’t move your head to look at me right now, but listen to these words carefully and never forget them … I’m sorry I used to be the kind of person who would do something like that. And I will never abandon you. I wasn’t with you because of the baby. The baby was just the icing on a very fucking delicious cake. Do you believe me?”

“Well, when you put it that way, what choice do I have?”

“You have no choice. You’re stuck with me, for worse or for worse.”

“I’m so tired.” I move to slide out of the bed, but she holds tightly to my shirt. “Don’t go.”

I loosen my grip on her shoulder and adjust my position a little so she can get more comfortable. “So what do we do now?”

“How about we vow to never screw up the way we did outside Yogurtland?”

“I can’t promise that. What happened outside Yogurtland was one of the smartest mistakes I’ve made in a long time. I hope I get to make those kinds of mistakes with you for … forever.”