An Ordinary College Sex Life

Chapter 20: Dawn’s Story II

I just couldn’t stay away.

I hated Ben and yet, I loved him. I had fully intended not to talk to him again until we met up at camp. At camp, I figured, we’d somehow find the magic that would make us understand each other and realize what we really meant to each other. But until then, I had to step away. I had to give him more time to get over Adrienne and realize how much he needed me. Our worlds wouldn’t be complete until he figured that out.

I was doing fine today. Ben saw me in the morning on his way out. I just avoided his gaze until he left. And then I spent the next ten minutes trying to breathe normally.

After his final, Ben had his talk with Adrienne. I worried for a little while, but the next time I saw him I knew it was really over. She wasn’t exactly giving him back to me, but Adrienne had broken up with Ben.

I was actually surprised he didn’t grab someone and start fucking their brains out right away. But then, I figured that he’d been doing that all week just to keep himself occupied until the hammer finally fell. Now that it had, apparently sex wasn’t the first thing on his mind.

Drinking, however, was. We threw an End of the Year party, and Ben was pounding shots and screaming cheers in a dozen or so different languages. Of course, getting to a dozen languages meant he had to down a dozen shots. And I was beginning to worry about him.

Still, I kept my distance. Ben didn’t try to approach me apart from some longing looks across the room. It hurt him, to have his best friend nearby but avoiding him. But hell, this hurt me, too. I just couldn’t face him right now. Not when I’d gotten my hopes up that we’d be together again, only to find that he hadn’t been of a like mind.

I saw when Matt Kanemura, Brandi’s boyfriend, first cut Ben off. I felt a pressure deep in my gut to DO something about it, and when Ben started getting belligerent, I realized my conscience wouldn’t let me stay totally aloof. If Ben got into serious trouble and I did nothing to stop him, I’d hate myself forever. So I tried to slow him down and he practically collapsed right in front of me.

Poor guy. Lost his girlfriend — both of them — and his best friend in the span of a couple of days. I couldn’t imagine what was going through his head. I got him back into his bedroom. And for a while I was tempted to stay with him, pull his head into my lap, and cuddle with him until my happy Ben came back.

But he wasn’t my Ben anymore.

So I kissed him tenderly, platonically, on his forehead. Then I got off the bed and left the room.

“Hey, babe,” I said softly when I found Ryan. “Let’s get out of here, okay?”

My loving boyfriend put his arm around my shoulders, took one last look back at Ben’s bedroom, and then we left.

I just couldn’t stay away.

I hated Ben and yet, I loved him. I wanted him to understand how much he’d hurt me. But I didn’t want him to be miserable for the rest of the summer. The last thing he would remember of me was me helping him into his room and then walking away, leaving him when he needed my help to get through his pain.

I’d abandoned him. And I was sorry for it. And I HAD to tell him that I was sorry. Even if it wasn’t my place to comfort him, I could at least not ADD to his misery.

“Take me home, Ryan,” I said softly.

My boyfriend looked over at me. We had spent the morning getting breakfast and hanging out with Gwen and Robin, helping them pack up their dorm rooms. Now Ryan and I were going off to lunch by ourselves. But I couldn’t go just yet. Maybe Ben and Adrienne hadn’t left just yet. They were probably already gone; but maybe ... just maybe ... it wasn’t too late. “Take me home,” I repeated. “I need to say goodbye.”

My boyfriend looked over at me, a curious expression on his face. But bless his heart, without a word, Ryan just moved up to the next streetlight and signaled to turn around.

A few minutes later, we pulled up to the curb just in time. Ben and Adrienne were standing by the Mustang, having not yet climbed in. I sprinted out the door and up the driveway. And I slammed into Ben from behind, choking out a few sobs as I wrapped myself around his body.

“Dawn?” Ben gasped. His hands jerked up to touch my arms.

I didn’t answer except to kiss the back of his neck. In that moment, I felt his shoulders relax as a mountain load of tension slid away from him. And I felt the same tension leaving me as well.

We were connected, after all.

“I’m sorry, Ben,” I said softly, right into his ear.

He didn’t answer. He didn’t even turn around to look at me. He just bent his head and gently patted my hands.

I kissed his neck again and sighed. “I’m your Dawn. Forever.” My voice cracked and I WILLED him to understand that when the world came to an end, I would still be waiting for him.

Ben turned around and gave me the warmest hug I’d ever felt. It was better than the hugs my parents gave me when I was little. It was more relieving than even Ben’s hugs when he’d raced up in the middle of the night after the whole Mark incident. I pushed my chin into his shoulder and he rubbed my cheek with his own. We twisted together for a good minute, hugging each other tighter and tighter until neither of us could breathe.

It ended perfectly. He turned and kissed my cheek, whispering, “And I’m your Ben.”

“Wow...” I breathed as I pressed the phone to my ear. I sagged back, feeling Ryan’s strong arms wrapping around my waist as I leaned against his chest. Still slightly shell-shocked, I didn’t react when he leaned around and pecked my cheek.

“You okay, babe?”

I nodded slowly. I hadn’t even noticed Ryan coming up and hugging me while I was on the phone. What Ben had just told me sent chills down my spine.

“You got SHOT?” I gasped into the phone. This time, I felt Ryan tense up behind me.

“Twice,” Ben replied at the other end of the line.

I dropped the phone. Just imagining Ben with two bullet holes in his body frightened the crap out of me. Ben. MY Ben. He’d nearly died. I’d nearly lost him FOREVER.

I scrambled and picked up the phone, quickly putting it to my ear. Ben didn’t currently sound in distress, but I HAD to know. Eden. Emma. Brooke. “Ben, tell me that everyone is okay!”

“Everyone’s fine. Brandi didn’t tell you that part?”

“No! I haven’t seen her in a couple of days!” I exclaimed. “And my mom didn’t tell me anything about guns or shooting! You got shot?”

“Yeah, but I’m fine, everyone’s fine,” Ben said reassuringly. “I was a little freaked out about Adrienne for a minute there, but everyone is fine. Emma was untouched and Adrienne just had some cuts.”

“What happened to Adam?”

Ben took a deep breath. “He’s dead.”

I dropped the phone again.

All this death. All this craziness. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to rush down to Ben and promise to never leave his side again. This is a fickle world we live in, and every day could be our last. Could I afford to wait for my destiny to come? Or could one of us end up DEAD before it ever happened?

But I tamped down on those urges, hanging my head. I loved Ben. I would always love him. But we weren’t like that anymore. I wasn’t just going to wait around for a stupid boy to figure out I was the love of his life, soulmate or not. He’d shown me with the whole Adrienne thing that he wasn’t thinking on that level yet. He was just looking for whatever would make him happy for now. Could I fulfill that role for him? Maybe. But didn’t I deserve the absolute devotion I wanted to give him? When was BEN going to give that to me?

Maybe Ben just needed a couple more years of seasoning. After all, Ryan was two years older and had been giving me that kind of devotion since he was Ben’s age. Maybe I just had to wait and see if Ben matured into the man I knew he could be: the kind of man who would be right for me.

Maybe he wouldn’t.

Either way, that was up to Ben now. I’d wasted too much of my life — and too much of Ryan’s efforts — to waste any more. Those were the decisions I’d made in the month since we’d left Berkeley. And not even getting shot by Adrienne’s deranged brother could change that.

Ben told me the rest of the story. I listened in mild shock at the violence of it all. Crazy shit had happened to me in my life, but nothing quite so ... fatal. I still couldn’t believe Ben had actually been shot.

But that concern was wiped away by a new crisis. Ben tried to joke, “I’m fine, Dawn. Well, I may not be able to go swimming with you when we get to camp because the wounds will still be healing; but other than that, I’m perfectly healthy.”

“Oh, Bennn...” I moaned forlornly, realizing that my timing really SUCKED. After everything he’d already been through, I had more bad news for him.

“ReLAX,” Ben tried to reassure me. “I’m fine.”

“No, it’s not that,” I moaned in the same tone. I looked at Ryan, gazing into his eyes for strength as I gathered myself together. Then deciding I just had to spit it out, I stated, “I was going to tell you today: I’m not coming to camp.”

There was a thudding sound as apparently it was Ben’s turn to drop the phone. I heard the mad scramble as he picked it back up and then gasped, “Wait, what?” I could imagine his frustration. Eighteen years we’d been together, with never a single miss...

... until now. I sighed and tried to explain, “I know we didn’t put much effort into finding internships for this summer, but Dayna’s company wants extra interns and she recommended me. It’s a paid internship, I’ll get lots of good experience, and specifically this’ll really help make sure I get into the Undergraduate Business program. They made the offer and I already accepted.”

And more to the point, I don’t trust myself around you. But I didn’t tell him that part. I knew that if I met up with Ben at camp, I wouldn’t be able to resist sleeping with him and betraying my boyfriend. And right now, maintaining a relationship with the one man who truly dedicated himself to me mattered more.

“You’re not coming to camp?” Ben complained.

I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. But no.”

All I heard was a bitchy snarl before the line cut off. Wow ... Ben actually hung up on me. How... immature...

I pulled my head away and furrowed my eyebrows, staring at my cell phone, feeling annoyed. But I shut down my annoyance. After all, Ben had just gone through a painful trauma and had been shot twice. I could forgive him a short temper in these trying times.

So I called him back. I wanted him to know that I was still his friend.

But of course, it went straight to his voicemail. I could already see Ben sulking on his bed, hitting END on his phone like a petulant child.

I sighed. THIS was why I had to wait for him to grow up.

After never calling me back before he left for camp, I was absolutely THRILLED to hear from Ben on my birthday. “You can’t believe how happy I am that you called me!” I gushed into the phone.

“You’re my Dawn,” Ben said sweetly. “And it’s your birthday. Just because you’re not at camp this year doesn’t change that. Still ... I wish you WERE here...”

I sighed. “I know. I’m still sorry it had to be this way.”

“Don’t worry about it. If nothing else, I’m sure Ryan is thrilled you’re staying nearby.”

I chuckled and looked around the room. At present, I was all by myself in my house, having come home early from my internship. And Ryan hadn’t yet come by to visit after his own day at work. My parents didn’t know it, but Ryan was pretty much spending every single night with me since we could get away with it; and Dayna promised she wouldn’t rat me out. So on that point alone, Ryan was thrilled I wasn’t at camp this month. And then of course, Ryan was doubly-thrilled I wasn’t with Ben. “He wouldn’t say it, but he was freaking out about the idea of you and me at camp again. Last year was one thing, but ... well...”

“I know. It’s fine. Less temptation this way,” Ben admitted. “Besides, your little sister has been quite eager to take up the slack. Seriously Dawn, DJ has been an absolute nymphomaniac. Girl hasn’t left my side for the entire camp.”

“Really?” I giggled. I thought back to when I informed my own family that I was going to stick around the house. DJ had gotten really, really excited.

“You know,” I began in a thoughtful tone. “As soon as DJ found out I wasn’t coming to camp, her eyes got REALLY big. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think it’s because she knew you were going to be single this summer. That girl’s had a crush on you for a long time.”

“Really?” Ben asked in surprise.

“Really. I once asked her why she’s never settled down with a serious boyfriend. At first, I thought it was because she’d gotten too much advice from Dayna about playing with many boys being more fun than just being with one. But DJ just said that none of the boys she ever met measured up to you.”

“Really?”

I giggled. “Really. I wonder if I should worry about little sis trying to poach you while I’m gone.”

Ben chuckled. “Nah. We’re just friends ... well ... horny friends. Girl won’t leave my dick alone.”

I laughed, imagining horny Ben and horny DJ with a big camp and no big sister around. “I’ll bet. And I’m sure you have lots of opportunities with my old cabin being empty most of the time.”

“We have. Plus, we spend a lot of time at the clearing.”

I went quiet.

He didn’t...

SHE didn’t...

“You took her to our clearing?” I asked coldly, ice running through my voice.

Ben could already tell I was angry. He practically whimpered, “Uh, yeah.”

“To OUR clearing?” I growled. “You fucked her in OUR special clearing? Alone?”

“Whoa! Whoa!” Ben stammered. I could even picture him waving his hands defensively. “Wait a minute; DJ said quite explicitly that she asked your permission. And now that I think about it, she said you specifically gave her the green light to keep me company this summer since you were quote/unquote ‘abandoning’ me.”

“I never said ANY of that!”

“What? I even asked her if she was lying!” Ben protested. Then I heard a commotion behind him and he whispered harshly. “DJ said she knew you’d rip her head off later if you found out.”

“I would! I will!”

And then I proceeded to verbally thrash my best friend for violating OUR most special place.

I was still upset when Ryan got home. I’m sure he wasn’t expecting to find me the way he did.

He was late, an hour later than usual. I was actually starting to get mad at him for it. Here was my 19th birthday, with no family around except for Dayna. No Mom or Dad. No Ben. Just me. Not even my boyfriend could bother to show up on time. And all this on a day I found out Ben was fucking my little sister in OUR clearing.

So I moped on the bed. And I was surprised when Ryan walked through the door, holding a bouquet of pink roses, my favorites. He was dressed in a tuxedo, a smile on his face as he started theatrically, “And now my dear, shall we... Dawn?”

He cut off when he realized I wasn’t in the mood. And he quickly crossed over to me, kneeling and reaching for my hands. “Are you okay?”

I didn’t answer him. I just furrowed my eyebrows in confusion at his attire and pointed. “What’s with the penguin suit?”

He gave me a lopsided grin. “It was a surprise. Remember how we watched that Japanese ‘Shall We Dance?’ a couple of weeks ago? Well, you said you’d never been formally dancing and I thought it would be fun to go tonight.”

Absolutely incredible. How did I ever manage to get such a special guy?

I looked up at my boyfriend, seeing his sterling blue eyes and handsome face as he smiled down at me. For years, he’d been considerate and caring. He always made me his priority and never once failed to show me he loved me. Yeah, we had our fights and disagreements. But if you took away the jealousies over Ben, Ryan and I probably had the least number of fights out of any couple I’d ever HEARD of, let alone met. He was a perfect guy, and for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why I’d kept him at arms length for so long.

Blinking, I looked up at him with moist eyes and said softly, “Tell me how much I mean to you.” My voice was filled with need.

It took him a second to remember what I meant, but it came to him quickly. This would be the third time since April I’d asked him to tell me how much I meant to him. And he changed the words every time.

“You don’t mean a lot to me,” Ryan began, just like always. “You mean everything to me. You’re more than my world, Dawn; you’re my Universe. You are every season of the year. You are the heat of Summer, filled with light and warmth. You are the beauty of Fall, with ever changing moods like the colors of Autumn leaves. You are the purity of Winter, cool and absolute. And you are the promise of Spring, making me believe that my time will come. You are my sunrise and sunset; and at night I eagerly await the new coming of the Dawn.”

Tears now fell down my cheeks as I reached up to Ryan, grabbing his shirt and tugging him down to me. I hungrily sought out his lips, kissing him so hard my teeth hurt as I pulled him onto my body, crushing myself so wonderfully beneath his heavy weight.

Then I pulled back and stroked his cheeks while lovingly looking into his eyes. I made sure I had his full and undivided attention as I stared right into him, saying, “You don’t have to wait for your time anymore, Ryan. That time is now. I love you.”

Uncontrollably, Ryan smiled WAY bigger than I’d ever seen him do. He couldn’t help it. He’d waited years for me to say that, and now that I had, he couldn’t be happier.

But that happiness was tempered by skepticism. His eyes searched through mine, clicking back and forth as if looking for a ‘but’ to follow.

There was none. I just pulled him down and kissed him again, a passionate growl rising up in my throat.

But he pulled away and gasped, “Dawn-Dawn-Dawn-Dawn-Dawn.” He paused, heaving for air. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this if you don’t really mean it,” he rasped.

“I mean it,” I giggled and pulled him in for another kiss.

“N-no,” he pulled away, shaking his head. “I know the score. I know you’re in love with Ben. You’ve ALWAYS been in love with Ben. And I knew, deep in my heart, that I was just keeping you warm until he came around to his senses. Please, Dawn. Don’t do this to me if you don’t really mean it!”

I took a deep breath and looked straight at my boyfriend. “I love you, Ryan,” I said firmly. “And you need to know this: I used to think I would end up back with Ben, someday. I used to. We grew up together. He was my first everything. But we’ve grown up into different people. He’s still my best friend, but we’re not romantic anymore. He has his life. I have mine. And YOU’RE at the center of my life, now. Okay?”

Ryan blinked several times. “So ... I’m not just keeping you occupied until Ben comes to his senses and wants you back?”

I sighed. That WAS how I’d seen Ryan a long time ago. Well, maybe not so long ago; but it wasn’t the way I saw him now. “No,” I said firmly. “You’re more to me than that.”

Ryan frowned and looked skeptical.

I sighed. “Ben is my past. But when I see you, babe, I see my future. Look, we’ve only been dating for less than two years. But you’re not just a temporary boyfriend to me. I want to see where this goes, how our relationship can develop. I want to find out how our feelings can grow if we stay together through your graduation. Heck, I want to see how our feelings can grow if we stay together through MY graduation, and beyond.”

“Are you serious?” Ryan looked dubious.

“Yes, I am,” I told him with heartfelt conviction. “When I see you, I see a man who just might make me happy for the rest of our lives. And for that, I really and truly do love you.”

I kissed him again. And this time, the stupid boy didn’t do anything else to stop me.

We never made it to the dance. Actually, I ended up tearing his tuxedo, which wasn’t cheap, in my haste to get it off him. And even then, I don’t think his pants ever came fully free of his left ankle. Neither of us wanted to take the time to remove them before my boyfriend’s wonderful cock slid home inside me.

“Yesss...” I hissed, my fingers clawing at Ryan’s back as he hunched over my prone body, urgently thrusting with his hips to drive the powerful rod into my clenching pussy over and over again.

“Dawn...” he moaned, repeatedly, in love with the sound of my name. “Dawn...”

“Fuck me, Ryan. Love me. Love me, baby,” I crooned back at him, rolling my hips to meet his. I held his face in my hands, staring right into his eyes. I wanted him to see mine, to see that I really and truly loved him. I wanted him to feel my love radiating out from every pore in my body while he passionately pushed part of his body, part of his soul, into mine.

That night, I showed my boyfriend just how special our lovemaking could be when we both loved each other, holding nothing back. And when we fell asleep together with his cock slowly going soft inside me, nothing else in the universe mattered.

“You’d better get going. My family will be home soon.” I pecked Ryan on the lips and then pushed him away lightly.

Smiling, he took a step backward. But he stopped and looked at me with both trepidation and hope on his face. “You’re serious about this? I should go ahead and put down the deposit?”

I smiled wanly. “Well, maybe wait until tomorrow. My decision is made, but my parents may still pitch a fit.”

Ryan nodded and then blew me a last kiss. He then turned and headed up the sidewalk to get into his car.

I wasn’t actually worried about my parents. They were protective, but they were very into letting us girls be independent and make our own decisions. We always tried to reward that freedom by being responsible, succeeding most of the time. And in this case, I already knew they’d let me make this big decision as well: I was moving in with Ryan.

The idea started a week ago. Ryan had been looking at several different apartments himself, wanting a place to stay closer to campus and closer to me. It was simply too much of a drag to take the BART up every day and to live at home. He felt like he was intruding every time he crashed over at the house, and he felt doubly uncomfortable knowing that both Ben and my sister were in the house, potentially able to hear us if we decided to get intimate.

Originally, Ryan was going to get his own place and live on his own. It would be expensive, but he’d manage if he had to. Or maybe he’d find a roommate. We’d already discussed sleeping over at each other’s place from time to time.

One complication was that at the Berkeley house, Adrienne and I would ACTUALLY have to share the big bedroom, with Ben taking over my old room. Now that Adrienne and Ben were broken up, it just didn’t make sense for them to share anymore. And since Adrienne and I were the young girls on the totem pole, we’d have to share. THAT would make it difficult to bring Ryan over to my place.

But after Ryan had practically lived at my house for the past month, I was loathe to be parted from him. Ever since declaring my love for him on my birthday, our relationship had bloomed into something intense and passionate and wonderful. I didn’t want to be away from him. So a week ago, when he asked me to move in with him, I jumped at the idea.

Ryan had been surprised. He never expected me to go for it. After all, I’d been the one keeping our relationship at a measured pace for almost two years. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t thrilled with my positive response. I knew my parents could afford it, this would solve the housing dilemma with Ben and Adrienne, and besides, it wasn’t like my Mom and Dad were under any illusions that I wouldn’t be spending all my time at Ryan’s apartment anyways. Worst case, if I broke up with the guy, I could always move back to the house.

So I wasn’t worried about my parents. The one person I WAS worried about? Ben.

How would HE react to the news? With something this momentous, I knew it would change my relationship with my best friend forever. This wasn’t just about where my head hit the pillow every night, this was a choice. This was me choosing Ryan over him. And DJ or no DJ, I had no idea how Ben would take things. I didn’t think it likely there was anything he could say that would change my mind. But this was Ben. He just had that effect on me. Because deep down in my heart, I knew that if Ben promised to drop DJ and be with me and love me forever if I only didn’t go ... I would.

I loved Ryan, but Ben still had that power over me. So I told Ryan to wait a day. I’d give my boyfriend the answer tomorrow.

It was highly unlikely Ben would react that way. But am I a bad person for hoping he might?

Ben’s family arrived first, or at least their van did. With the balance of kids thrown off, it turned out that Ben and Brooke had ridden with my parents and DJ, and had yet to arrive.

My heart nearly stopped when they did. Showtime.

Brandi was the first to greet her little brother. They hugged, Ben lifting his big sister off her feet for a few seconds in their happiness. The two chatted briefly and then moved along, Brandi going to Brooke and Dayna leaving DJ to go for Ben. My own big sister laughed and patted Ben’s ass before moving on.

And then Ben’s eyes met mine.

I’d stayed in the doorway to the house, biting my lip nervously. A flood of uncertainty washed through me, and I saw Ben hesitate when he felt my mood. But then he stepped forward and came right to me.

I opened my arms as he approached and Ben stepped into them for a hug. Neither of us said anything. Neither of us needed to. Time stopped and the world ceased to spin while he and I simply enjoyed the pleasantness of holding each other once again. We hadn’t seen each other in person since that last gasp hug the day he and Adrienne drove away from the Berkeley house back in May, and only now did I realize that my world had been slightly off-balance ever since he’d gone.

Yeah, I loved Ryan. But I needed Ben around me like I needed air to breathe.

Eventually, we pulled apart and looked at each other. I stared into his soft, expressive eyes. He looked me up and down and then stated knowingly, “I guess we need to talk.”

I nodded wordlessly, took his hand, and led him inside the house.

We ended up in my bedroom. I turned and sat down on the bed, leaning back against the headboard while Ben sat just in front of me. I felt a little weird, knowing I’d made love to my boyfriend on this bed only a couple of hours before.

“You okay?” he asked with some concern. “You don’t look so good.”

“’Very well’,” I corrected his grammar. “I don’t look very well.”

Ben chuckled and rolled his eyes. And just like that, a smile spread across my face as our old comfortability came back to us. “It’s good to see you,” he said warmly.

“You too,” I replied in the same tone. “Things weren’t so great the last time we saw each other.”

“Things were pretty good the last time,” he corrected. “They just weren’t so great right before that.”

I blushed and nodded as I thought of how I’d embraced him from behind and kissed the back of his neck just before he drove home from Berkeley. But Ben winced at the memory of what came before. He’d been going through hell, and I hadn’t made it any easier on him by cutting myself off from him. I’d been angry and disappointed in him, but he still had to have been feeling a lot of pain.

But that was then. This was now. Ben moved us along by asking, “What’s bothering you? Are you upset that I started dating DJ?”

I was more bothered by moving in with Ryan and Ben’s potential reaction, but talking about DJ would give me the time to gather my courage. “What’s up with that, anyways? Are you rebounding?”

He shook his head. “If I’d hooked up with any other girl, I’d have said yes. Even with DJ, I’ll admit there was a desire to fill the void inside me. But she’s more than that.”

“How?” I arched an eyebrow.

He shrugged. “She’s DJ. She just is.”

It wasn’t really an answer, but I let it go. I just looked down and exhaled. “I can’t say I’m thrilled with it. After all, there’s a part of me that wishes you would just sit around with your hand on your dick, pining away for me.” I smiled mischievously at that. “But I can’t blame either of you. I knew the way DJ felt about you. I knew she was going to go after you. And ... well ... DJ’s a very pretty girl. You and she are quite compatible and magical things happen at camp.”

Ben leaned forward and touched my hand. “It doesn’t mean I don’t still care about you. You’re still my Dawn.”

I returned a small smile. “And you’re still my Ben.” I then tilted my head back and sighed. “But it would be SO weird if you end up my brother-in-law.”

We both chuckled at that, and Ben shook his head, saying, “We’ve been together for three weeks, and DJ is barely seventeen. I don’t think marriage is in either of our plans just yet.”

I smiled wider at that pronouncement. At least I didn’t have to worry about that anytime soon. He was right: we were still very young.

“So if it’s not my thing with DJ, then what’s wrong?” Ben queried. “Why do you look like you’re about to tell me you decided to transfer to Alaska State and leave me forever or something?”

My lower lip quivered and I felt like crying. In a way, I WAS leaving Ben forever. I was making this choice to go with Ryan, and giving up on waiting for my soulmate. It wasn’t like this decision was a be-all, end-all; but it was a very clear step away from Ben. I supposed this was inevitable. After all, I’d already let myself truly fall in love with Ryan.

Ben started to panic when he saw the look on my face, and nervously, he asked, “Are you really leaving me?”

“Not exactly,” I said hurriedly, not wanting him to get the wrong impression.

“What does that mean?”

I whimpered and croaked, muttering questions to myself about why this felt so hard. When Ben wasn’t here, when it was just me and Ryan, it all made so much SENSE! Why couldn’t I think straight around Ben? Momentarily overwhelmed, I buried my face in my hands and started crying for real.

“Whoa, whoa.” Ben wrapped me up in a hug. He rocked me gently, soothingly. And in a warm, reassuring voice, he intoned, “Hey ... hey ... It’s alright. You can talk to me. It’s alright.”

“I’m sorry, Ben!” I wailed and picked my head up. I could feel the moisture on my face and I tried to thumb it away.

“Hey, slow down ... slow down...” Ben kept rocking me and I fought to regain control of my emotions. It was just so... intense ... having to do this after not having even SEEN Ben in three months, after MISSING our summer camp. I reminded myself to take deep, calming breaths. I gritted my teeth and balled my hands into fists. And Ben held those fists between in his big, warm palms. He looked right at me, such a calming brown peace in his eyes. “Talk to me,” he said gently.

I finally sighed and just said plainly, “Ryan’s getting an apartment off-campus. He asked me to move in with him. And I accepted.”

Now Ben looked like he wanted to cry.

I had to admit, things were going much better than I’d expected. If you’d told me a year ago that I’d be in truly in love with Ryan and had given up on reuniting with Ben, I would have said you were crazy. If you’d told me I’d be living with Ryan while Ben was dating my little sister, DJ, I’d have tried to get you locked up in a mental institution. And yet that’s exactly how our lives were currently playing out.

Oddly enough, the new arrangements had done wonders for relaxing any tensions between me and Ben, and also between Ryan and Ben. Now that I was living with my boyfriend and spending most of my time with him, as opposed to spending all day and then most evenings with Ben, Ryan had totally relaxed about the whole “Ben-is-going-to-steal-Dawn-away-from-me” bit. And when Ryan relaxed, I found myself far less defensive about it and far less careful around Ben. I mean, I always held Ben’s hand whenever we walked, but I always had to pay attention not to hug him too tight or kiss him too affectionately or crap like that, for fear of inciting Ryan’s jealousy.

Now? I was just totally relaxed. And somehow the sexual tension between Ben and I had lessoned as well. Hell, I could advise him on how to better fuck my little sister without either of us thinking about him doing the same things to me. And when Ben complained about the weeklong delays between visiting DJ for sex, I took it upon myself to talk with both Brandi and Adrienne to help keep their brother well-satisfied. All three of them were happier than before, and all three of them individually thanked me for giving them the extra kick in the butt.

After all, who ISN’T more relaxed when they’re getting frequently laid?

But then an old nemesis re-entered Ben’s life.

None of us had really seen Paige Jacobsen since the end of last year. I’d been surprised when Paige didn’t show up to hang out with our crew when the semester started, but I didn’t exactly mind her absence, either. So I hadn’t brought her up and no one else really did, either.

It was by Sather gate when Ben and I bumped into her ... and some grungy loser of a guy. We recognized her right away based on her slutty-Catholic schoolgirl attire, even skankier than usual.

“Paige?” I stammered in surprise.

The skanky redhead was making out with the grungy loser, and she pulled away to say, “Dawn! Hey!”

With a frown, she then turned to Ben and growled, “Oh, hi Ben.”

I was polite as we made conversation, and my opinion of the girl fell even further the longer we talked. I always knew she was an over-sheltered naïve little girl just WAITING to get into trouble; and once away from Ben’s constant supervision, she seemed to have found it. Hell, she was BAKED ... on-CAMPUS.

In the end, I just stared in wonder as the girl glared right at Ben and stated clearly, “I’m bored of talking to you, Ben. C’mon, Jerry. Let’s go have sex before my buzz wears off. I’ll even let you cum in my pussy today.”

“Paige...” Ben groaned and reached out to her, clearly anguished over seeing his de facto little sister in such a state. But the girl was already walking away. And as icing on the cake, she flipped Ben the bird as she left.

What a fucking bitch!

Ben stared after her for a long time. I knew he needed space, so I patiently waited him out. And eventually, he turned and started walking toward home.

I quickly fell into step alongside him. “It’s not your fault, Ben.”

“If I hadn’t broken her heart, she wouldn’t BE with him,” he said in shame.

I sighed and squeezed Ben’s hand. “That part was unavoidable. You tried to tell her you didn’t have those feelings for her, but she let herself fall in love with you anyways. A broken heart was inevitable.”

“But I made it worse by dating her.”

“Adrienne arranged that,” I tried to soothe.

“So what? This is all Adrienne’s fault?”

I frowned, shaking my head. “It’s nobody’s fault. Paige is just doing her own thing. You can’t control her. You never could. Yeah, you kept her in check a bit, but that girl’s been looking for trouble since well before you showed up on the scene.”

“No she hasn’t.”

“Of course she has,” I rolled my eyes, thinking of Paige’s checkered history, something Ben seemed to have blinded himself to all this time. “Look at how you met. She got smacked on the street because she’d been teasing some scruffy locals at a house party. At every party of ours, she was doing her best to get falling-down drunk, and would have succeeded much more often if you weren’t there to stop her. She’s a stupid girl and whatever shit happens to Paige happens because of her own stupid decisions!”

I realized I had a pretty nasty tone of voice, and Ben looked taken aback by it. “You were her friend. How can you say that about her?” He frowned.

I sighed. “I can say it because it’s the truth. She’s a sheltered, naïve little girl who’s running wild with no one to restrain her.”

“I’m supposed to be the one to restrain her.”

I leveled my gaze at my best friend. “That’s not your job.”

“I made it my job. I still care about her.”

“Clearly, she doesn’t feel the same way. Or did you not notice her doing her best to rub her sex life and drug use right in your face?”

“I’ve got to do something,” he pouted.

“Like what? Tell her not to have sex with her boyfriend? Tell her not to smoke weed?”

“Yes!”

“And you think she’ll listen?”

“Yes!”

“Why? You already told her you don’t love her. It looks like she’s moved on from you. She’s not your problem anymore.”

“How can you be so cold?”

I rolled my eyes and then before I knew it, I’d barked, “Because she’s a fucking BITCH!” Surprised by my own outburst, I immediately stopped walking.

Ben stopped and turned to take both of my hands. Instantly, his face was filled with concern for me, Paige now forgotten. “Whoa, whoa. Dawn, you okay?”

I looked away from him, grinding my teeth and working to calm myself. I’d resented Paige for well over a year now, and that resentment I’d kept hidden away was now boiling up out of my control. “She doesn’t deserve you, Ben,” I griped.

“What?”

“Look.” I turned and stared straight into Ben’s eyes, willing him to understand where I was coming from. “I know it’s not my place to be jealous. We’re not together anymore. But I can still want what’s best for you, and that little tramp is NOT worth your time.”

“What?” He didn’t understand.

I sighed. “I was happy for you that you found Adrienne. She’s got a checkered past, but she’s a special, special girl. I know how dearly she loves you and most important to me, she wants what’s best for YOU. THAT was a good relationship. If the two of you somehow lasted and got married and all that, I would have been able to accept you being with her. She is good enough for you.”

Ben blinked, just trying to process what I was saying,

“And of course I’m happy for DJ. I love my baby sister and if you and she are meant to be together, then I can be happy for the both of you.”

Ben just blinked again.

“And there are a lot of nice girls around you. Some of them are only in it for the sex, and that’s fine. You make them happy, they make you happy, and everybody wins. But Paige always wanted more, and frankly I was never happy about you dating her.”

“Huh?”

“That relationship was all one-way, Ben. She leeched off of you at every turn. Even before you two hooked up, she followed you around. You were her world, and even if you didn’t love her, you devoted so much of your energy into protecting her and caring about her. She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve you. And what did she do when it was over? She told you she’d be your friend and then the first chance she got, she ran away to some... punkass ... For fuck’s sake, Ben, she was making cracks right AT you about fucking him. It proves that she never really loved you. She never really cared about you, or wanted what’s best for YOU the way Adrienne did. She just obsessed about you like a fucking stalker until you finally got rid of her.”

“What?”

“She wasn’t good enough for you,” I stated indignantly. “And I won’t let her suck up any more of you than she already has!”

Ben frowned. “So what? You’re the arbiter of who’s good enough to be with me?”

“Yes!” I huffed, feeling the tears forming in my face. If he wasn’t going to be with me then I’d be DAMNED if he ended up with someone I didn’t approve of. “You’re MY Ben!” I screamed.

Ben rubbed his temples like he had a massive migraine, my declaration clearly too much for a mere male to handle. But almost immediately, he took one look at me and decided that I was more in need of comfort. So he stepped forward, hugged me fiercely, and soothed, “Dawn ... Dawn...”

I realized that I’d let my emotions get the best of me, first with bitching about Paige and then getting all high and mighty over who was good enough for Ben. “I’m sorry,” I apologized and looked up into Ben’s face. He looked so handsome, so perfect, so ... well, he looked like my Ben. “I know I don’t have any right to be — not anymore — but I’m jealous. Even if you’re not my boyfriend, I want to spend so much time with you. You’re my best friend. You’ve always been my best friend. And if some tramp isn’t good enough for you, I don’t want her taking you away from me.”

“Dawn...”

I realized then, that even though I’d chosen Ryan, Ben would ALWAYS have a piece of my heart. We were linked at birth, and nothing in the universe could ever take that away. “I love you, Ben. I always have. And I always will,” I said sincerely.

“I know. I love you, too,” he replied in the same tone. And then, unexpectedly, he bent to kiss me.

I felt my breath taken away when his mouth covered mine. It wasn’t a kiss of passion. It wasn’t a kiss of lust. It was just a kiss of love, the timeless love that had bonded Ben and me since we were first born. I realized that I hadn’t felt him kiss me on the lips since camp, well over a year ago. That tender touch filled me with a joy I hadn’t felt in a long time, and gave me a total sense of completion. And we stayed wrapped in each other’s arms for a long, long time.

“Ahem,” a new voice cut in.

Shit! Ryan! I jerked away from Ben, and we turned to see my boyfriend standing not five feet away, his backpack slung over his shoulder.

“Oh, hey babe.” I hurriedly pulled away from Ben and looked at my boyfriend nervously. I reached a hand up to wipe away my tears and quickly pressed myself against Ryan’s broad chest, whimpering softly.

Thankfully, Ryan accepted me warmly, hugging me back as if I hadn’t just been kissing Ben. Still, there was no doubting that he’d seen us, and after I got myself under control, I pulled my head up and looked into his blue eyes. “I’m sorry about that, babe. I’ll explain on the way home.”

Ryan nodded and held my cheeks, looking deep into my eyes. I filled them with all my love for him, reminding him that yes, I DID love him. And he wrapped his arms around me.

I’d tell him about running into Paige, and the state she was in. I’d tell him that I’d gotten upset and started crying. I’d tell him that Ben kissed me for comfort, nothing more. All of these things were true. And because Ryan loved me, I knew he’d believe me.

But I wouldn’t tell him how much I loved Ben’s kiss.

“I’m sorry things didn’t work out with you and DJ.” I squeezed Ben’s hand and patted his shoulder.

It was Monday morning and we were sitting on a bench by Memorial Glade, just outside the Main Library. After spending the weekend hiding out inside the house with Dayna, Brandi, and Adrienne, Ben had finally told me the story of his breakup with my little sister. I was disappointed he hadn’t come to me sooner. After all, wasn’t I his best friend? But now wasn’t the time to be harsh on Ben. He was hurting enough as it was.

Ben sighed in resignation, seemingly at peace with what happened. He wasn’t happy, but at least he wasn’t moping about it. “It’s okay,” he said. “You were right though: It would have been weird if you ended up my sister-in-law.”

“Still,” I said sympathetically. “Breakups are never easy.”

Ben leaned into my hand on his shoulder and chuckled. “Actually, I think your mom took it harder than I did.”

I cracked up at that and looked off into the distance. “Yeah ... Mom still has it in her head that you’re going to marry one of her daughters and give her grandkids that unite our two families.” I grinned. “Guess Dayna’s her last hope.”

Ben snorted at that and arched an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

I laughed and nodded. “I never told you but Mom got really mad when I agreed to move in with Ryan. Don’t get me wrong, she likes the guy. But he’s not you. And I don’t think she realized how serious I was with him until I moved in. And then she got really happy when you and DJ hooked up.”

Ben chuckled. “I always wondered about that. She was a lot more ... permissive ... with me and DJ than she was with me and you.”

I shrugged. “Well, you guys are older now. And Mom let us get away with a LOT of stuff when we were just 13 or 16 or whatever.”

“Yeah, well, it’s a moot point now. Maybe you can check in with DJ later and see how permissive your Mom is with DJ’s next boyfriend.”

I rubbed Ben’s shoulder sympathetically and said, “Hey, there’s still a chance that it’ll be you.”

Ben arched an eyebrow. “Ah, did you miss the part where I explained how we’d broken up?”

I shrugged. “I didn’t say right away. But when DJ gets over you and decides she’s ready to date again — which between you and me won’t be until AFTER she gets her college acceptance letters — she may very well decide she wants another shot with you. The real you.”

I sighed. “Maybe ... maybe not. DJ was right about one thing, I never really got to know her all that well. All I was thinking was ‘DJ Evans: Dawn’s hot little sister who’s had a crush on me forever’. It’s a very appealing concept to a guy.”

“A more appealing concept than ‘Dawn: Best Friend Forever who wants you back’?” I arched an eyebrow with a teasing smirk on my face.

Ben leveled his gaze at me, with an intensity that made my heart tighten. “Don’t even fucking kid about that,” he practically growled.

I blinked a few times and apologized, “Sorry, sorry.” I put my head down, biting my lip. I wondered if I WAS kidding about that. I was committed to Ryan. But every now and again, yeah, I wanted Ben back.

We were both silent for a long while, and then Ben looked up at The Campanile to check the time. I looked up as well to find that we’d spent our whole break talking about this.

Standing up, Ben leaned back to me and offered his hand to help me up. “Come on. Let’s get to class.”

Exactly WHAT did Ben get up to at that Halloween party Adrienne took him to? A very pretty Filipina girl and two other freshman hotties were ALL over Ben before Microecon. They only scattered when Professor Ice showed up and glared at them. And they weren’t even the first girls to come hit on him. Seemingly every day, there was at least one random girl stopping by to flirt. One, a tall, gorgeous strawberry-blonde girl with electric green eyes managed to get Ben’s head turned so much that he would have walked into a bush if I didn’t jerk him back.

I rolled my eyes. Just when I started to worry about Ben’s mental state after a bad breakup, he always had his own way of recovering.

Neoclassical economics holds that when each individual maximizes their utility, the utility of society is also maximized. This requires that individuals’ utilities can be summed (i.e. individual utilities are additive).

“How do you DO that?” I snorted and turned around in Ben’s lap to look down at him, annoyance in my gaze.

Ben craned his head around my shoulder to look at the monitor and confirm that he’d typed that perfectly. Then he smirked up at me. “It’s a gift.”

“Yeah, well I think you have too many ‘gifts’,” I sighed and turned myself to the side so we could better talk to each other. I then kicked one leg over his head so that we were face-to-face, my feet resting on the floor on either side of the chair. “You can type without looking. You can recall every damn thing you read and ace your tests with ease. And you can eat all those fatty foods without gaining any weight. I hate you.”

Rather than respond to my statements, sex-addled Ben lightly thrust his hips upwards, digging the front of his jeans into my crotch. “Yeah, and I can take a girl from zero to climax in under a minute,” he bragged. “That’s one ‘gift’ you haven’t experienced in a long time.”

“Stop that,” I admonished, lightly slapping his cheek without any actual force. Ben hadn’t given me that little gift in a LONG time, and the brief thought about it sent a tingle up my spine. I breathed deeply and fought away the momentary arousal.

“Sorry,” Ben replied sincerely, realizing that what he’d done was not appropriate. “It’s a good thing Ryan’s not around to see that.”

“Oh, he knows we won’t do anything,” I said dismissively, choosing not to think too much about it.

“Maybe,” Ben pressed. “But speaking as a guy, there’s always a niggling of doubt no matter how sure you are.”

“Ffppt. My boyfriend is secure in who he is and in how much I love him,” I declared, working to convince myself more than Ben. Ryan really DID trust me not to do anything. I’d kept my word this long and given him no significant reason to believe that would change.

“Besides, we all know that just getting laid isn’t exactly a problem for you right now.” I smirked and then reached down to tap the bulge in Ben’s jeans.

Ben smirked right back, the shit-eating grin of a well-fucked young man. “True,” he admitted.

“What’s up with that, anyways?” I sighed, giving him a tired look. I wasn’t trying to keep track, but as far as I could tell, Ben was spending every single day over at the Tri-Delt house. And from what hints Adrienne would tell me, they were with a different girl (or girls) almost every time.

“What’s up with what?”

“You. Screwing around. I mean, I know you’re horny, but you’ve never been quite this much of a slut before.”

Ben frowned. “Slut?”

I giggled and patted Ben’s shoulder condescendingly. “Yes, Ben; you’re a slut. How many different girls have you slept with since you and DJ broke up?”

“How many? Uh...” Ben fidgeted, and I watched the gears turning as he struggled to add them up.

I giggled almost immediately. “Too many to count?”

“Hey, gimme a second,” he protested.

“What, like a dozen? In a month?”

“No! Not that many.”

“You sure?”

Ben bit his lip, once again trying to calculate the total. If it took him this long to even get started, then the count certainly had to be pretty high.

“Forget it. You already proved my point.”

“What point?”

I shrugged. “You’re a slut. Accept it. I’m not criticizing you for it. Just stating the fact.”

“Okay fine. So?”

“You feel happier?”

“Yeah. Kinda.” Ben’s shit-eating grin was back. “Makes me think that maybe I’m better off not getting involved in a relationship with anybody. Why go through all the headaches and drama of a girlfriend? I’m getting laid. I’ve got time to focus on my schoolwork. And I’ve got more time to spend with you and the rest of the crew. Yeah. I’m happy.”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Sometimes I feel like we’re sharing the same brain. But then sometimes, I don’t understand you at all.”

He arched an eyebrow questioningly.

Sighing, I stood up and got ready to kick my leg over Ben’s head to turn away. But the instant I lifted free of his legs, Ben wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back down into his lap.

“Oof,” I huffed in surprise, and realized his bulge was against my crotch again. Ben stared at me, his eyes liquid and intense. Confused, I looked right back at him, wondering why he’d pulled me back down. And his hand edged further up my back while he pressed his chest against mine, hugging me firmly.

It felt like Ben was hugging me for a long, long time. Our eyes stayed locked together. And as great as this felt, I was a little weirded out by Ben’s intensity. So softly, I asked, “Ben ... What are you doing?”

As if only now becoming aware of the situation, Ben blinked rapidly and released me abruptly. He rolled the chair back, separating us from the desk and with his hands on my hips, he helped me stand up. “Sorry,” Ben mumbled. “I don’t know what came over me.”

I looked at him with a curious expression on my face. “It’s okay. No harm done.”

Ben turned and got out of the chair, gesturing for me to drop back into it. And without a backwards glance he headed to his bed.

I sat back down on the chair, but I didn’t roll back up to the computer. I stared at Ben, wondering what was going through his mind. Even though his bulge had been pressed up against my crotch, his embrace didn’t feel sexual. If anything, he just seemed to need ... a hug: a simple, affectionate, undemanding hug. All those girls ... all that sex ... but he still needed a plain, simple hug.

“What?” he asked, and I realized I was staring at him.

I bit my lip and then took a deep breath. Still contemplating that little revelation, I replied quietly, “Nothing.” And then I turned and rolled back up to the keyboard.

We resumed our work. Ben looked into his textbook and I stared at the screen. And I worried whether or not my best friend was truly happy.

Dayna, Brandi, Adrienne, Ben, and I all headed down to my family’s house for Thanksgiving. And once we got there, it was amazing to see how much things had changed for all of us.

First, DJ had seemed to grow up quite a bit since I’d seen her last, which was only in August. It took me a second to realize she’d taken her hair out of the braids, and for the first time, I could see her being on-campus at Berkeley with us next year. She wasn’t just a kid anymore. Hell, she was a half-inch taller than ME, with bigger boobs even.

Adrienne was single now, more concerned with the sorority and with her burgeoning modeling career than in finding another boyfriend OR girlfriend.

Ben was playing with his Tri-Delts and avoiding anything that seemed serious.

Brandi was talking to my mom about how her relationship with Matt was falling apart.

And Dayna cracked, “Seriously, who ever thought I’d be the one in the stable, committed relationship?”

We all got a chuckle out of that. And I thought about my own relationship with Ryan. We were as stable and as in love as ever. And yet, I couldn’t help but feel that something was missing in my life.

Specifically, even though Ben and I seemed comfortable in our roles as best friends, there still seemed to be a disconnect between us. It wasn’t that I thought we NEEDED to be romantically involved, but I did miss some of the intimate closeness we used to have when we were younger. It always felt like I was trying to hide my relationship with Ryan from Ben, so as not to hurt him. And I didn’t like hiding ANYTHING from Ben.

It all came to a head that night. I was chatting with DJ, mostly about Ben, when the man himself arrived and joined in the conversation. We talked about his recent slutty behavior, and when he protested a lack of any need for real intimacy, I found myself getting rather pissed off. At the time, I didn’t know why, but we got it worked out later that night.

I apologized for losing my temper. He accepted it when I explained that I realized I WAS a little jealous. I wasn’t jealous that he was fucking other girls (not really), but I was jealous that he was spending so much time fucking around and not coming to me post-DJ. He was my best friend and yet, he wasn’t opening up and sharing with me, even though I was trying to make myself available to him.

It wasn’t that he was obligated to do so. But I felt like we were losing our old connection, our comfortable intimacy. For Ben not to automatically come and share meant that we weren’t as close as I wanted us to be. And finally, I told him, “I want to change that, Ben.”

“Change what?”

“I want to talk to you. I want to share with you,” I said with heartfelt emotion. “I feel like we’ve drifted so far apart over this last year and a half.”

“Last year and a half?” Ben arched an eyebrow. “Two years ago we were 500 miles apart. The last year and a half has been the first time we could really spend a lot of daily time together.”

I grinned. “I’m not talking about time. I’m talking about being close to my best friend, being close to my Ben. We may not be a couple anymore, but I want to get back that feeling of intimacy with you. It doesn’t have to be sexual intimacy. But that personal ... closeness ... Do you know what I mean?”

Ben smiled and nodded. For the past few weeks, he hadn’t been close to anyone. He claimed he didn’t need it, but now we both recognized that missing part of his life.

I continued. “I want to share what I’m going through with Ryan. I feel like he and I have reached this really important turning point in our relationship; something that will change the rest of my life. And I’d love to be able to share that with you, to talk it out with you.”

Ben smiled and got off the chair, moving over to the bed and sitting sideways on the edge just in front of me. “And I want to share what I’m going through right now,” he replied warmly. “I bluster a lot about being Mister Independent and living the ultimate male fantasy. But yeah, I’m still not sure what I’m doing. I want to be happy, not just get laid; and I’m not entirely sure how to go about that. It’s still too soon for me to think about a relationship. I know I don’t want to rebound and I’m not sure what I should be looking for in another girlfriend anyways. But I’d love to be able to share what I’m feeling with you.”

NOW he got me. I broke into a delighted smile, feeling whole and complete for the first time in a long while. Was this it? Was this when Ben and I finally found a harmony with each other again? Maybe it wasn’t sexual, but it was something special nonetheless.

With a little giggle, I raised a hand and touched Ben’s cheek, brushing it with my fingertips gently. It felt like I was seeing him for the first time. “I missed you, Ben. I know we’ve been seeing each other almost every day, but I missed you. I missed the Ben I loved at summer camp.”

“I missed you, too. I missed ... my Dawn,” he said warmly, sending tingles up and down my spine.

“I’m right here, now,” I said softly and leaned towards him. “You don’t need to be Mister Independent. You’ve got me right by your side.”

Ben took my hands in his and squeezed them gently. “And I’m right here, now. I’ll always be here for you.”

My smile got bigger and a happy tear rolled down my cheek. Impulsively, Ben darted forward and kissed the tear away, his lips lingering just an extra second against my skin.

I felt a flush of passion surge through me and my crotch started tingling. With just a peck on my cheek, Ben had gotten me from zero to scorching hot. And yet, it wasn’t totally sexual. It felt... sensual. How did he have this effect on me?

Another tear rolled down my other cheek. Ben quickly darted around and kissed that one away as well. It felt so natural. I turned my face fractionally toward him. He brought his face in line with mine. And then moving forward, our lips met together.

It wasn’t a kiss of passion. It wasn’t a kiss of lust. It was just a kiss of love, the timeless love that had bonded Ben and I since we were first born. The touch of his lips filled me with a joy I hadn’t felt in a while, and this time there was no Ryan to stop by and cause us to awkwardly split apart.

I pressed a little harder and felt Ben push in to match me. He tilted his head to the side and probed forward with his tongue. I parted my lips for him, for my Ben, and touched his tongue with my own. And as our kiss deepened I felt the waves of absolute bliss and contentment filling my soul.

This was my Ben.

This was the way things were meant to be.

But not yet.

I pulled back and quickly moved up to peck Ben’s nose. I was crying again, but this time in full happiness. I KNEW it. I FELT it. Ben and I were BACK. It didn’t mean I loved Ryan any less. My Ben existed outside of normal rules. I could love my boyfriend and share this eternal bond with Ben. He went above friendship and above family. He was simply unique.

Still, unique or not, Ryan would NOT be happy if I made love to Ben right now. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t let myself do that, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide it from him. I giggled and said, “We should probably stop before this gets out of hand. I have a boyfriend, remember?”

Ben groaned and when I looked down, I saw that he was rock hard. My Ben was hard ... for me. He wanted me just as much as I wanted him. But he loved me enough not to push. So he backed up and nodded, saying simply, “I love you, my Dawn.”

“I love you too, my Ben.”

And then I looked past Ben’s ear to see DJ leaning against the doorjamb. I smiled, knowing that even if I couldn’t take care of Ben’s erection, my little sister could. I was happy for both of them and jealous of neither. I loved them both.

Even if I couldn’t get laid tonight, at least I knew Ben and I had found our specialness again.

Ben shrugged. “Jocelyn. Man that girl has a tight pussy. But that only came after all three girls swore not to publicly announce who was first. All three of them are going to Leighton today to take credit.”

I felt a dampness between my legs as I pictured Ben amongst the three Tri-Delt pledges. I had to admit, I was a little jealous I couldn’t be one of them. “So you fucked all three of them?”

Ben snorted. “Of course.”

“Your first black girl?”

He nodded. “All girls are the same on the inside,” Ben drawled with waggling eyebrows.

“And was Andie as big of a freak as you thought?” My breathing was getting shallow.

“Freakier.” Ben chuckled and shook his head as if even HE couldn’t believe what he’d done.

I then leaned in closer and rubbed my nose against his ear, panting lightly. “Make any of them pass out?”

Ben grinned. “All three of them,” he intoned in a low, smug voice.

“Ohhh...” I moaned, her jaw quivering. Damn, I just had a little orgasm. I leaned against Ben, my legs a little shaky. “Fuck, I wish I was there to see it.”

“I would have liked to have you there,” Ben said quietly, holding me firmly against his side.

I looked up at the handsome devil, my eyes shining. “I think you’d like to ‘have’ me, period.”

He blinked and stared right back. “You know I would.”

I took a deep breath and sighed, exhaling very, very slowly as a way of letting out her sexual tension. I wanted him to have me. It wasn’t that Ryan was leaving me lacking. Ryan was very good to me in bed. But a side-effect of opening up to Ben and having us share everything with each other was that he told me about quite a few of his sexual exploits. It was almost like watching porn, quite the turn-on to hear about and fantasize that I was in the middle of one of his orgies. And it was especially arousing because I could REMEMBER being in the middle of one of his orgies. Whatever emotional hang-ups my Ben had, he certainly knew how to make a girl feel damn good.

But I shook away the feelings. Besides, my mini-orgasm had taken the edge off. And when I’d calmed down, I merely went up on my tiptoes and pecked Ben lightly on the lips, then looked back down and resumed walking.

“Come on,” I said. “I want to get to Professor Ice before her office hours get too crowded.”

“You did what?” I scowled at my boyfriend.

“Look, I just wanted to tell you before Ben told you himself,” Ryan sighed. “I didn’t want to get into a fight about it.”

“Well you’re gonna BE in a fight if you don’t explain ‘I confronted Ben and asked him to back off you a bit’,” I screeched.

Ryan sighed. “Look, I’m SORRY. I can’t help it. I don’t LIKE it when you two are all over each other. He turns you on, Dawn. I know what you look like when you’re aroused.”

“But we’ll never DO anything!”

“How do I know that?”

“We’ve never DONE anything!” I protested.

“So far,” Ryan growled. “Freshman year was one thing. He was with Adrienne and Paige the whole time. But he doesn’t have a girlfriend anymore.”

“He’s got the Tri-Delts. Getting laid is NOT one of Ben’s problems.”

“Still...” Ryan huffed. “Things are ... different ... between you two. Ever since Thanksgiving, you’ve been closer. You’ve been more affectionate. You two are touching each other all the freaking time and I’m NOT the only one to notice!”

“We’re just FRIENDS, Ryan.”

“Fine. Tell me this: If you had the chance to sleep with him without consequence, would you?”

“WHAT?”

“I’m serious!” Ryan thundered, his face red. “What would happen? Would you fuck him if you could?”

“Ryan!”

“I mean it! Dawn ... Dawn ... I don’t know if I can handle this anymore. I love you. I LOVE you. But I just ... I just don’t know what would happen if you did.”

“So what, you’re telling me you WANT me to sleep with him?” I looked agog at my boyfriend.

“YES! I mean NO! I ... I ... I don’t know!” he crumbled and buried his head in his hands, squeezing as if he could pry his brain out and throw it away so he wouldn’t have to think about this anymore.

“Ryan, please, babe.” I was quickly hugging my boyfriend. I wrapped my arms around him and stroked him soothingly. “I love you. I CHOSE you. Please know that I would NEVER cheat on you.”

He breathed shallowly for what felt like ten minutes. And in the end, he simply reached his hand up to hold my wrist while he turned red-rimmed eyes around to me. I pulled back in surprise. In the whole time I’d known him, I’d NEVER seen Ryan cry. Not once.

“It’ll never happen, Ryan. I promise you,” I told him reassuringly. “Never happen.”

He seemed to calm with my words, and I continued stroking his back and arms gently. But there was a tension in my own hands now.

If the opportunity came to fuck Ben, just once, without consequence, hell YES I would go for it.

“So who’s it gonna be tonight?”

“Hmm?” Ben looked up from the bottles in front of himself. It was the Friday night after the end of finals, and as usual, the house was about to become party central. Ben and I were setting up the temporary bar and getting everything organized.

I nudged him with my hip. “You know. Who’s gonna be the lucky girl ... or girls ... that are going to share your bed on the last night of the semester? I was talking guest list with Dayna and it seems like every girl you’re sleeping with is gonna be here. So which ones?”

Secretly, I hoped he’d answer ‘You, Dawn’. But I knew he wouldn’t say that, and sure enough, he drawled, “How the hell should I know? If it’s really up to me, I’ll grab a blue pill from Adrienne and bring ‘em ALL into my bedroom.”

I smirked at him and on impulse, reached forward and tousled Ben’s hair. He smiled happily, but a second later darted his gaze to my right, where Ryan was helping Kevin Weiss move the furniture back in preparation for tonight’s End of the Year party.

Ben warded my hand away.

I sighed and said, “This is ridiculous, Ben. I’m not going to start second-guessing myself every time I want to reach out and touch you.”

“I don’t like it either, but I don’t want to piss off your boyfriend.”

“He’s a big boy. He can handle it. He’s BEEN handling it.”

Ben sighed. “Every man has his limits. And I’m sure he’s been particularly stressed this last semester. You said his grades weren’t what he’d hoped.”

“He’s working hard, but this stuff just doesn’t come as naturally to him as us. It’s why he ended up at Junior College first. But he’s still going to graduate on time and as long as he gets his diploma, he’ll be able to get a job.”

“I dunno. Now’s not exactly a good time to go into the Telecom industry. Especially around here.”

“He’ll be fine,” I said stubbornly. “But you’re right. It’s just a momentary thing. Come next semester I’m sure everything’ll go back to normal.”

“I hope,” Ben said, sliding his hand across the countertop to cover mine. He interlaced his fingers over mine and squeezed gently. “It’s only been a day and I already miss these little touches.”

A pleasant little tingle shot up my arm from where he was touching me. I squeezed back and set the last bottle with my other hand. “I know. Me, too.” Then I stepped behind Ben to exit the enclosed temporary bar. But on the way, I stopped and checked to see if my boyfriend was looking in our direction. And when I was sure the coast was clear, I leaned down to the back of Ben’s neck and kissed it tenderly.

“Promise you’ll find me tonight, Ben,” I whispered into his ear. “At least hold me in your arms for one dance so I can fantasize about you for a little while.”

Ryan held me in his arms. We’d been dancing together, my big, strong boyfriend holding me close during the slow songs and not letting go of me during the fast ones. He looked down at me in adoration, his crystal clear blue eyes penetrating deep into my heart.

I like adoration. Adoration is a good thing. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Ryan was good at that. He always made me feel safe and loved. Day in, day out, I could always count on him to be totally devoted to me. He was patient whenever I got into a hysterical mood. He listened as well as Ben, if not more. Okay, so he wasn’t so great about opening up and telling me HIS thoughts and feelings — he WAS a pretty conditioned macho man — but he treated me like a lady, with respect and politeness. And despite his supposed machismo, he never once tried to take the upper hand in our relationship. It was as if he knew he was under my spell and at my mercy. Even that bit of control over the relationship was kinda nice.

He was there for me every single day. Yeah, I had my momentary little fantasies about hooking up with Ben, being swept away for a few blissful moments of passion. But Ryan was pretty close to the perfect boyfriend.

I left my perfect boyfriend to head to the bathroom. Drinking does that to a person. On the way out, I waved to Ryan who was standing in the living room, waiting for me. And I saw Gwen nearby, dancing with a pretty cute guy.

I had no warning. One moment, I was passing by Gwen making a teasing comment about the guy she was dancing with. The next, an arm was around my waist and I felt myself quite literally being dragged off my feet.

“Ben!” I squeaked when I realized who’d grabbed me. He slammed and locked the door before throwing me across his bed. I flopped onto my back with my legs in the air. And before I realized what was happening, Ben had broken my thong panties and ripped them off me, leaving my naked pussy on display.

Shouts and the sounds of a doorknob being twisted were accompanied by banging on the door. Ryan’s voice yelled and a louder banging followed, the hinges straining as I think he rammed his shoulder into the door as well.

“BEN!” I screamed and slapped his cheek.

His head rotated from the vicious slap. And his eyes went wide with recognition before he rolled away and sat up on the edge of the mattress, his heels perched on the bed frame while he buried his face in his hands. “Oh, SHIT!” he gasped in shock.

But I wasn’t paying attention to him anymore. I raced to the bedroom door, tore open the lock, and flung the door open. Ryan was panting in the doorway with Adrienne right behind him. “Did he hurt you?” Ryan roared.

Before Ryan could rush into the room, I squawked, “No! I’m fine! I’m fine!” As casually as I could, I ran my right hand through my hair and smoothened out the hem of my dress with my left, making sure it was low enough to cover my naked crotch. “I didn’t realize we’d locked the door. It’s okay. Nothing’s happening. Ben’s just really upset right now and he needed to talk to me.”

“About what?” Ryan barked, seething through clenched teeth.

“Paige just left with some random guy,” Adrienne put in quickly. “Ben had pulled her into his room, no doubt to try and talk some sense into her. You’ve seen her lately, Ry; the girl’s pretty fucked up right now. I guess Ben didn’t get through to her and as you can see, he’s pretty shaken.” Adrienne was gesturing to Ben now, where he was almost shivering and staring wild-eyed.

I sighed and looked back at Ben with concern.

“I thought...” Ryan began. “I thought...”

I shook my head, my mind racing. “No. Nothing like that.” I injected all the calm I could muster into my voice, as if I was on top of things and knew exactly what I was doing, even though I didn’t. “Look, I still need to talk to him. He’s my best friend and he’s hurting right now. But if it’ll make you feel better, we’ll leave the door wide open, okay? It’s loud enough out there that I think we’ll still have enough privacy. You can look in whenever you want, okay?”

Ryan scowled and didn’t look too happy, but with the door open he didn’t really have anything to complain about. He exhaled slowly and then nodded. “Fine, fine.” Then he pointed at the door. “Just don’t ever do... this ... to me again.”

I sighed and shook my head. “Ryan, if we were going to sleep together, we’ve had a zillion opportunities already. It’s not going to happen. ReLAX.”

I held my breath then, wondering if the whole charade had worked. I knew DAMN well it wasn’t as simple as a misunderstanding. Something had triggered Ben. And there was something beneath the surface such that he’d gone after ME, even with Gwen right next to me.

Fortunately, Ryan bought it. He pouted unhappily, but in the end he simply hugged me and gave me a firm kiss. And when he released me, I very deliberately went and opened Ben’s bedroom door completely wide open.

Adrienne then hooked her arm through Ryan’s elbow and guided the big guy back into the party. The sound of girls whooping from outside soon filled the air. And then I turned back to Ben, exhaling slowly in relief.

That was fucking CLOSE.

On the way back to Ben, I spied the baby blue wad on the floor that was my thong. I glanced back at the doorway to make sure no one was looking, then squatted and used my body to block the view while snatching up my torn panties. I quickly walked over to Ben’s dresser and dropped the panties into the top drawer. Sighing with relief, I turned and glared at Ben. “I hope to HELL he didn’t see THOSE.”

Ben just winced and looked down between his feet. He looked almost as bad as last semester, when Adrienne and Paige had both broken up with him and I’d been so upset that I walked away from him.

Feeling sorry for him, I moved to join him on top of the bed, sitting upright with my legs folded beneath me and to the right, so that my dress covered my naked crotch and upper thighs. I then reached over and touched his shoulder. “Ben? Are you okay?”

He grimaced and looked forlornly back at me. “Clearly not. I just tried to rape you.”

“No you didn’t.” I shook my head.

“You had to slap me to get me to stop.”

I bit my lip. “Well, there was that. But you weren’t forcing me. You weren’t holding my wrists down or anything like that. You were just ... getting ready to fuck me.”

“I’m so sorry,” he whimpered pitifully.

“Shh ... It’s okay,” I soothed while stroking his head. The simple fact was: Ben could never rape me. You can’t rape someone who wants it to happen. And if Ben ever wanted just to take me, I knew deep down that I wouldn’t resist him. I sighed and said, “I’ve seen how you can get. It’s not like this is the first time you’ve just sorta ... snapped.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and hunched back over.

Dawn sighed and kept rubbing my shoulder. “Was Adrienne right? Were you just in here with Paige?”

He moaned and nodded, a mournful tone in his voice.

We talked for a couple of minutes about her. I reminded Ben that Paige wasn’t his responsibility and that we all left for Winter Break tomorrow. There was nothing he could do.

But the simple fact was that he truly WANTED to do something. For whatever reason, he cared about the little shit. Yeah, she used to adore him and worship him and I knew she fed his White Knight complex, but when it boiled down to it, everything she wanted was for her benefit and not his. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see that, but he still cared. And he physically ached inside to see Paige in her current state.

I thought about things for a long while before making my decision. I wouldn’t like it, but I would do it. Why? Because this was Ben. “Okay,” I began. “Here’s the plan. We’re just going to get through tomorrow. It’s your last night and there’re a couple dozen girls out there who want to show you a good time. Just enjoy this and forget about Paige for one night. Then you’ll go home and live your life. And when we come back to school, I promise I’ll do whatever I can to help you make things right.”

He sat up straight and looked at me in surprise. “Really?”

I smiled and nodded. “Really.”

“I must say I’m surprised. You’ve always said she was just a little bitch asking for trouble and not worth my time.”

I shrugged. “Maybe she still is. But what matters is that you’re not happy. And I HATE seeing you not happy. This isn’t about getting you laid or some romantic complication. This is just something else causing you grief and if I can help, I will. That’s what best friends do.”

Ben smiled at me with hope, enough energy to make ME feel really good inside. “You mean it?”

I smiled right back and nodded. And then he quickly leaned forward and wrapped me up in a big hug. “Thank you, Dawn. Thank you.”

“Always, my Ben,” I said softly. Anything for you, I thought. ANYTHING. Because I’ll always love you.

Ben and I finally emerged, just in time for a sweet slow dance. The party had been running full tilt for a couple of hours, and everyone seemed to need the momentary break from the loud noise and screaming. Quickly, couples paired off and started undulating to the music like long grass in the wind. And smiling, my handsome best friend held his arms open to me.

Ben held me close, letting me rest my cheek against his shoulder while he wrapped his arms around my waist. I could tell he was consciously keeping his hands north of the equator in case Ryan was watching. Together, we swayed back and forth, remembering the old days when holding each other so intimately was a commonplace event.

One song gave way to two. But midway through the second, Ben stopped abruptly. I turned to see my boyfriend standing beside us.

“Mind if I cut in?” Ryan asked neutrally, his face guarded. Ben simply nodded and handed me off, letting our fingers linger for just a second longer than necessary.

Almost instantaneously, Adrienne slid up and wrapped herself around Ben. And with a happy smile from each of us, we finished out the rest of the dance with our more “usual” partners.

But as soon as it was over, Ryan pulled me away to sit down and talk. I thought of going to borrow Adrienne’s bedroom or something if he wanted someplace private, but Robin intercepted us part way, with Gwen in tow.

“Dawn! Dawn!” Robin said excitedly as she ran up. The pretty brunette pushed her glasses up her nose and squirmed as if she couldn’t stand still. She was clearly quite drunk, and her eyes roved quite obviously up and down Ryan’s spectacular body. He was wearing a rugby-striped polo that clung to his V-shaped torso, showing off his muscles, and if I didn’t know any better I’d have thought the girl was going to proposition him right then and there.

I wasn’t very far from the truth. Robin glanced at Gwen and then returned back to me with an impish grin. “Remember that game we found on Telegraph?” she asked me with more than a hint of naughtiness.

I arched an eyebrow and looked at her funny for a few seconds before it hit me. The swinging game. “You’re not serious!” I stammered.

Gwen nodded, a gleam in her eyes. “Like a heart attack.”

“Robin!” I exclaimed.

“Oh, come onnn,” the young brunette moaned. “This is the last night of the year. I’m drunk and I’m horny and what better night to try this? I’m game. Bert’s game. Gwen’s game. It’s really just up to you guys and Ben. Mmm ... Bennn...” Robin purred as if she’d just moaned the word ‘chocolate... ’

I glanced at Ryan for a moment, my boyfriend giving me a look of utter and complete cluelessness as to what we were talking about it. I measured him and looked back at Robin. He had his fantasies, but we’d talked about this since Dayna’s Blindfold Party over a year ago: Only him. Only me. Monogamous and happy about it. I shook my head and answered with conviction, “No way in hell.”

“Why don’t you ASK him?” Gwen waggled her eyebrows, eyeing my boyfriend like a piece of meat.

“Ask me what?” Ryan queried.

I squeezed my man’s hand and looked at him. “It’s nothing. It’s a crazy game that Robin found but I already know you wouldn’t—”

“It’s a Swingers game!” Robin interrupted me cheerily. “You put together a few couples. You draw cards that tell you actions you have to do. And every now and again ... you switch partners!” Her eyes danced behind the glasses.

Ryan jerked his head back in surprise. I was already patting his arm, saying, “Like I was saying, babe, I already know you wouldn’t want to—”

“Okay,” Ryan interrupted me, nodding firmly at Robin. “Let’s do it.”

“YES!” Robin cheered. “Oh, let’s all go to your guys’ apartment!”

My jaw dropped and I gawked at my boyfriend. “Are you serious?”

“This game goes all the way, Ry,” Gwen put in, both in warning and in invitation. She was excited and already thinking about fucking him.

“Fine. Let’s do it,” he said seriously. “Don’t you want to do it, Dawn?”

My jaw flapped open and closed a couple of times like a fish out of water. I was so utterly and completely shocked that Ryan would want to do this that I had absolutely no idea what to even think.

He pulled me aside, just a few feet away from the girls and held my cheeks in his hands. “Look, I’m not stupid. I know you’re loyal and I know you love me. But I know for a fact that Ben still gets your motor running, okay? I told you before I always wondered what would happen if you two finally did it again. Well, I’m giving you permission. I WANT you to do this. And don’t even try to lie to me and say YOU don’t want this.”

My mouth just flapped open and shut a few more times. Seriously? Ryan wanted me to fuck Ben? My eyes were wide and I took a deep breath. He already saw it in my eyes. Yeah, I wanted to fuck Ben. I wanted to feel him thrusting into my body, giving me that pleasure I’d never felt with anyone else, not even Ryan. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED my boyfriend. He was with me night and day, always attentive, always caring. I loved being loved. And I loved Ryan for it.

But no one had ever made me feel quite like Ben.

“Ryan,” I stammered. “I would never want to hurt you—”

“That’s not the point,” he interrupted me. “Please, Dawn. I need this.” He sighed. “Let me put it to you this way. I love you and you KNOW I would never cheat on you. But ... well, I’m a guy, alright? Yeah, I think Gwen is alluring and hot and I have my fantasies about her. I think Robin is very pretty and she has that sexy librarian thing DOWN and sometimes I want to just bend her over and ungh-ungh, you know?”

I arched an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

He nodded. “Robin’s right. One night. Let’s cut loose, okay? If it happens, it happens. And whatever happens, I’m okay with it.”

“But this is Ben,” I stated flatly, as if Ryan had forgotten.

Ryan’s eyes hardened. “I know. And this is your shot. I want you to be happy Dawn. And at least for one night, I’m giving you permission. Don’t tell me you don’t want to.”

I blushed and looked down. “I do,” I answered quietly.

“Okay then. You go tell Robin. I’ll talk to Ben.”

Both my eyebrows popped up in surprise. “You will?”

He nodded. “I need to tell him myself.” And then he turned and walked back into the crowd.

FINALLY. I knew Ben had been completely surprised when he realized what kind of game we were playing. Ryan had been so nervous he must have completely bungled the explanation, but the important thing was that we were here, now. And Ben was in the game.

Still, I couldn’t BELIEVE it fucking took until Level Three to pair me up with him. Not that I minded making out with Ryan. And Bert was so adorably enraptured by my beauty. He was a good-looking guy himself, if a little shy and nervous around hot chicks. And it was a very nice compliment to have him turn into such malleable putty in my hands.

But the wait was worth it. My heart was racing as Ben’s fingers went to my cheek. My hands went to his jaw and around the backs of his ears. And then the universe exploded as our lips found each other. Sparkles went off behind my eyes. My stomach flipped and then flipped a few more times. This was kissing. This was my BEN.

This was where my world made sense.

I didn’t even try to grab at Ben’s body. He was buck naked and I didn’t need to grope him or take his throbbingly hard erection into my hands. I knew it was there. I knew I could have it. But this moment was about our kiss. The feel of our lips against each other, feeling the simple sense of... rightness ... in this intimate touch, was all we really needed. Ben was my soulmate. The kiss was just our reminder.

Things got a little more fun when a card ordered anyone who wasn’t already buck naked to get stripped naked by their partner. Ben gleefully pulled away my bra and then suckled on my tits for a few seconds. I giggled and smacked his head playfully, telling him that wasn’t in the rules. But then again, Gwen wasn’t preventing Bert from doing the same thing. Robin was actually PULLING Ryan’s head to her chest.

And then he pulled off my thong panties, soaked completely through with my arousal. Seeing them reminded me of the torn baby blue ones in Ben’s dresser drawer. I wondered how I’d ever get them back. A part of me hoped he might keep them somewhere to cherish for all time.

But right now, I eagerly awaited the next card. Maybe they would tell me to bend over and inhale Ben’s beautiful cock into my mouth. It certainly was ‘beautiful’. Even Dayna had said so, a long time ago.

But then the fourth card landed. Everyone had to switch partners.

FUCK.

And adding insult to injury, the fifth card read: Orally pleasure your partner for five minutes.

DOUBLE FUCK.

“No more timers in Level Four. The card ends when you say it ends,” Robin announced and then excitedly looked at Ryan.

The guy shuffled the Level Four cards and then patted them into a neat stack. Everyone tensed as Ryan grabbed up the top card and turned it over, saying in slightly shaky voice, “Fuck your partner right in front of everyone.”

[SLAM!]

[THUMP!]

“Oof!”

I glanced over to see that Ben was flat on his back on the floor between the couch and the coffee table. Robin was straddling his stomach with her hands around his head as she frantically slammed her lips against his, huffing and puffing with urgent need. Finally she managed to squeak, “Please?”

Ben being Ben, he simply shifted them into position, let Robin put him in place, and then sank his brunette friend down around his prick. Ben’s first fuck of the night, and it wasn’t with me.

There was time.

I could tell that Bert was overeager. We’d been playing the game for over an hour and I was soaking wet. I was hot and horny and in no mood to put up with an overeager boy rabbit-fucking me. I needed cock in me, BADLY, but I needed to be fucked RIGHT. So I took charge by mounting his lap. I pressed my tits to Bert’s face while his eyes simply went WIDE open. But before I actually impaled myself on him, I grabbed his head and looked into his eyes. “Hi, Bert.”

“D-Dawn...” he moaned a little nervously.

“We’re just friends, right? We can handle this, right?”

His eyes were still wide as he nodded hurriedly. “Of course.”

I knew Bert, like any boy with a pussy hovering over his dick, would say anything to get inside. But I at least had to ask, “We’re not gonna be weird with each other after this, are we?”

To his credit, Bert took a deep breath and looked at me seriously. His eyes weren’t so wide and for a few seconds, his sense of honor won out over his shock. “Dawn, we’ll be cool. Just friends.”

I smiled wolfishly. That was all I needed. And then holding his dick in my hand, I spread my thighs and sat down, taking him all the way inside me.

“Holy SHIT!” Bert squeaked in disbelief. His eyes were back to being big and wide and full of adoration. I liked that. I liked a man worshipping me as if I were a goddess descended from on high. Ben always looked at me like that. Even after years and years of knowing each other, he stared at me as if I were the radiant sun that was a requirement for his day to exist.

And from a purely physical standpoint, Bert had a pretty nice dick, too. It was of a decent size, a little over six inches I figured from our previous playing. It wasn’t Big Ben or even Ryan’s turgid rod; but I wasn’t a size queen and for such an enthralled and overwhelmed guy, Bert still knew how to use it pretty well. He didn’t just sit there and let me do all the work. He used the springiness of the couch cushions to thrust himself up and into me. He licked my tits and suckled my nipples eagerly. And he even made a conscious effort to read my cues and learn from them. With some training, Bert could be a VERY good lover.

But he wasn’t Ben. I was still fantasizing of that time.

In fact, if I closed my eyes and imagined that I was straddling my Ben, pushing my big tits into his face, feeling his thick manhood splitting my pussy, hearing his urgent grunting “Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!”, then I could almost ... I could just feel...

“Ohhh, unnngghhh!” I moaned, fantasizing about fucking Ben, MY Ben. I was bouncing up and down the cock inside me rapidly. I was absolutely smothering my man’s face in my cleavage. And I gripped the back of the couch as leverage for my spastic lunges. So close. So close. Oh, Ben! Can you feel me? Can you feel how hot I am for you? Can you feel how much I want you? Yes! Yes! I’m cumming. And then I moaned out loud, “I’m cumming!”

“Mmphh!!!” Bert mumbled beneath me. I knew it was Bert, but that was fine. I was getting what I needed, and Bert was a good enough friend for me to feel happy about this. I wouldn’t regret fucking him.

And there it was. My pussy muscles were spasming in orgasm when I felt the jets of spunk splashing against my insides. Even though Bert had already cum once tonight, he still had a pretty healthy load to give me. I figured it was because he was so revved up, knowing that he was fucking ME. And with that compliment, I groaned and rode out the rest of my orgasm as well.

And then I heard Robin squeal, “Oh, FUUUCK!”

“Urrgh-NOW!” Ben grunted immediately after.

“OH, FUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!” Robin howled, even louder than before. I craned my head around to watch Ben pound Robin right into the floor, his hips thrust all the way forward between the pretty brunette’s open thighs and her back arching up and off the floor.

And then, just like I’d a LOT of girls seemed to do with Ben, Robin passed out.

Chuckling to myself, I lifted off of Bert’s deflating cock and flopped over to sit down next to him. I saw that Gwen had pulled Ben’s face to hers for a steamingly hot kiss. And I realized that despite having just cum, I was hornier than ever.

Robin had gotten to feel Ben fucking her and passed out from overwhelming pleasure. Gwen was carving out the insides of his mouth with her tongue.

I wanted to be next. And I’m sure my eyes communicated that unbridled lust quite clearly when he finally turned around to look at me.

Soon, my Ben. Soon.

After what felt like an eternity, the Swingers Wheel spun me to Ben. FINALLY. Eagerly, Ben and I headed for each other. There were some complications. Ben and Gwen argued about the rules for a minute, but Ryan cut everybody off in the end. My boyfriend went and took Robin and said, “It’s okay. I’ll go get Robin a shower. She’s my next partner anyways.”

Ben tried to play fair and said, “Uh, that’s okay. It’s my job and you can spend the time with Dawn for a bit.”

Ryan shook his head. “No need. I know you two have been waiting a long time to do this. I don’t want to keep you waiting any longer.” His voice cracked at the end of that, and for a second, I hesitated over what we were about to do. Could I really do this to my boyfriend?

Ben picked up the same vibe. “If you’re not comfortable with us doing this,” he said seriously. “We don’t HAVE to do it.”

“You want to,” Ryan stated flatly. “SHE wants to.”

“But YOU don’t want us to,” Ben shook his head. “You’re her boyfriend. That gives you veto rights. And if you’re not cool with this, we shouldn’t be doing it.”

“Dammit! You HAVE to!” Ryan barked, the sudden burst of rage causing me to cringe and recoil. My boyfriend was a big, muscular man; but he kept his emotions under restraint so much that I’d never truly worried about him going berserk and physically harming someone I cared about ... until now.

But just as quickly as he lost his composure, Ryan got it back. He clenched his jaw and took a deep breath before growling, “Don’t you get it, man? I’M the guy worrying about whether to ask a girl out, freaking myself out wondering about all the ‘what ifs’. I don’t know how I’ll feel after you and Dawn make love again. I don’t know how SHE’LL feel. But the point is: I’m stressing out EVERY SINGLE DAY about this shit. We’ve been friends, Ben, but now all I can see is the guy my girlfriend might leave me for. You haven’t done anything serious, I know. You’ve had a zillion opportunities to cheat but you haven’t. She tells me she loves me. You tell me you have no designs on her. But the fact is I KNOW you both still love each other in your weird best-friends-since-birth way and it’s driving me NUTS. I’m tired of it. I’m at the point where I just want to KNOW, once and for all, how this might change us.”

“You already know,” I spoke up, my throat feeling raw. “We were together in High School and then I went off to camp with Ben. I was honest with you. We had sex. A LOT of sex that summer. But I still came home to you and I’ve been loyal ever since.”

“That was different. That was then. This is now.”

“How is it any different?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know anything!” Ryan threw his hands up. “All I know is that I’m going stir crazy wondering about THIS ‘what if’. What if you two slept together again? Would you come back to me? Would you not?”

“So what? Every time you have a crisis of faith in me you’re gonna ask me to sleep with Ben to see if I come back to you?”

“Maybe! You’re a different person than you were before college, Dawn,” Ryan moaned. “The girl you were then came back to me. The girl you are now? I don’t know yet.”

“Ryan, I promise—”

“You can promise me anything, babe. I love you and I’ll believe you. But I’ll always wonder the ‘what if’.” He took a deep breath and then held his hand out to Robin. “Look Robin, let’s go take a shower together. I’ll get you cleaned up and I’ll be really gentle and yes, I’ve fantasized about running my hands all over your body. Dawn knows that because we talk every now and again about crazy shit like this. She even told me you fantasized about me a couple of times.”

“Traitor,” Robin glowered at me. I just shrugged. Robin wasn’t the issue right now.

Robin put her hand into Ryan’s and she stood up. Then Ryan turned to me. “I’m going to leave you two alone for at least fifteen minutes. Probably longer. I love you, babe. You can do what makes you happy. And whatever happens, happens.” He kissed my cheek and then led Robin into the bathroom, closing the door behind them.

Then I turned to Ben. “Now what?”

Ohhh this was so freaking complicated.

“I want to be inside you...” Ben moaned, looking over at me.

I looked back at him and took his hand into my own. “I want you inside of me, too. So badly. You don’t KNOW how badly I want it,” I groaned as I pulled his hand up to my chest and pulled his body toward me, so that he was facing me just a foot away.

“I DO know,” he groaned right back, staring right into my eyes. “I want this just as badly as you. We haven’t been together in ... forever. Longer than ever before.”

“I know,” I sighed and bit my lip. “When I saw the trickle of your cum leaking out of Robin’s pussy, it was so hard not to just dive on her and suck it out. That used to be my one ‘out’, remember? I couldn’t touch you directly but I could still taste your cum? I haven’t even had that lately.”

Ben moved his lips to mine. I felt my pulse quicken in anticipation of the kiss, but he turned at the last moment and nibbled on my cheek. “Dawn...” he moaned breathlessly.

“Let’s do it, Ben,” I breathed huskily. “I want it. I want YOU. I need YOU.” Gawd DAMMIT I needed him.

“Dawn, you know we can’t...”

“Ryan said it’s okay,” I pleaded. “This is our one chance. I don’t know when he’ll let us again, but right now we have to take this chance while we can.”

“He SAID that. But you KNOW he doesn’t want us to.”

“He’ll never want us to. Would you, in his place?”

“I would. If it would make you happy. You KNOW that.”

“HE wants me to be happy, too. That’s why he’s letting us.”

“That’s not the reason and you know it,” Ben whined. “This is a test. A test to see if you’ll betray him.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. He wants us to fuck, Ben. He wants you inside of me. And he wants to see if I’ll still come back to him after I’ve had you.”

“Ryan would NEVER want me inside you.”

“He did before,” I protested, thinking of summer camp.

“He never WANTED me inside of you,” Ben rephrased with new emphasis. “He LET us that one summer camp. But that was it. I know guys and I know Ryan. You even said it yourself not thirty seconds ago. He’d NEVER want us to.”

“But he said...”

“He said he’d rather know how you still felt about him after we slept together. But he meant he wanted to see if we’d go through with it, knowing he doesn’t want us to.”

Why was Ben being so difficult about this? I wanted him. He wanted me. Was this really so hard? “How do you know that, Ben? What if he really meant he wants to know how I’ll feel about him? If we don’t do this, then he’ll never really know and he’ll STILL go crazy thinking about ‘what if’.”

Ben winced and looked away, shaking his head. “I can’t do this. I’ve waited all night for this. But I can’t do it.”

“Ben, please. I’ve waited more than all night for this,” I whimpered. I rubbed my thighs together, still wet from my lone orgasm and from fucking Bert. “I’ve waited more than a YEAR for this!”

“We can’t. I can’t. Not while knowing he doesn’t really want me to,” he said plaintively.

“Ben, please.” I was DESPERATE. I’d been fantasizing on and off about this for MONTHS. I’d finally let myself believe it would actually happen tonight. So I took Ben’s hand and placed it on my breast. Reflexively, he squeezed the melon and groaned rapturously. His palm felt so rough and so wonderful against my erect nipple. I’d seduce him any way I could right now. I just HAD to have him inside me. Just one more time and damn the fucking consequences! Please!

“Dawn, don’t do this to me...” Ben groaned.

“You want me. I want you. This is what we’ve been waiting for.” I upped the ante by placing my hand on his cock, squeezing and stroking it. Good lord he was fucking hard.

“Dawn...”

Fishing for something... anything ... that would change his mind, I held up my hand, palm out to him, waiting expectantly. I had to remind him just how special we were, that the two of us existed outside of the rules. He raised his hand to match mine, lining them up together. Our hands didn’t quite touch; the palms never got closer than half an inch apart. But then I closed the gap, intertwining my fingers through his. “Ben, I want you. I want you more than he doesn’t want me to,” I stated flatly. Gawd dammit, Ben! Don’t fuck up our ONE chance!

“Don’t do this to me,” he pleaded, at the razor’s edge of giving in. “Don’t do this unless you really mean it.”

“I want you, Ben,” I purred in my most seductive voice, sensing that he was about to crack. “I’ve always wanted you. I told you we’d get married someday. What’s a little playing around between soulmates?”

“But right now? Are you going to break up with Ryan right now?”

I flinched uncontrollably at the phrase ‘break up’. Break up? What? Was Ben deciding he was ready for me now? I wanted him, but he wasn’t stable. I just wanted this fuck. And the fact was: Ryan was still the better boyfriend.

“Dawn, it doesn’t work this way,” he said urgently. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Not this time. You LOVE Ryan. You chose him. Don’t let your hormones rule you on this one. I don’t want to be the one to fuck up your chance at happiness. Yes, I love you. Yes, I want to make love to you. And yes, I’ve been dreaming all night of being inside you. But if your boyfriend doesn’t really want us to do this, how is it different from any other night?”

“Ben...” I whimpered. Why was he making this harder than it really was?

“No. We CAN’T do this. Not like this. I won’t let it be like this. I love you and I want you and if we’re going to be together again, it’s going to be RIGHT. Not just a swinging party with a bunch of friends blitzed on too much alcohol. You’re my Dawn. You’re too special for us to get back together like this, especially when you’re not even sure you want to get back together with me. Because that’s the way it has to be.”

“Why?”

“Because now I’ve realized that the next time I make love to you, I’m never, EVER going to let you go back to Ryan or to anyone else. I’ve made my mistakes and I’ve fucked up a lot of other relationships. But the one relationship I can never, ever lose is you. I’m not in Orange County anymore and we’re not 500 miles apart. We’re together now, and if we ever start a relationship again, it’ll have to be the kind that lasts forever. I couldn’t bear to lose you again. I WON’T do it again.”

Ah, SHIT. He really loves me. He really, really loves me. And he loves me so much that I’m the ONE FUCKING GIRL he can’t just have sex with. Because it would be more than just sex. But I want to feel you inside me.

“It’s just sex,” I whimpered, not really meaning it.

“It can never be ‘just sex’ with us, and it never was. We mean too much to each other for it to just be casual. You’ve got your boyfriend. I’ll always be your best friend. And if that’s all we’ll ever be, I’ll be okay with that.” Ben sighed. “As your best friend, we can be eternal.”

“We can be eternal as lovers, too,” I pleaded.

“Maybe ... But that’s something we both have to think about first.” He sighed and pulled his hand off my breast and then pulled my hand off his cock. “Maybe you’ll choose me over Ryan in the end. Maybe not. Maybe there’ll be another guy out there for you. But right now, you love him and you’ve chosen him. And I won’t let you claim to choose me just because we both want to fuck each other so bad our teeth hurt.”

“My teeth ACHE,” I whimpered. I wanted him. But I wasn’t ready for that kind of decision yet. I just hadn’t given it enough thought. Why couldn’t I have BOTH of them, my soulmate and my steady, reliable boyfriend? Why? Why?

Ben bit his lip and looked ready to cry. “I know. Me, too. But I’ve got to leave now. Because we CAN’T do this. Not yet. Not like this.”

“Ben!” I whined as he got up and started hunting for his clothes. But I already knew it was futile. This wasn’t going to happen. And it wouldn’t happen until we BOTH were ready for the consequences. Because like it or not, it would NEVER be ‘just sex’ between us.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed.

“I love you...” I whimpered as he headed for the door, hanging my head in dejection. “I’ll always love you.”

He stopped at the door just before opening it. “I love you, too.” He put his forehead against the wood and exhaled. It looked like he was struggling just to get out the door. And for a moment, I thought he just might turn around, throw me to the floor, and fuck me within an inch of our lives.

I couldn’t let him. It wasn’t right for either of us. Not here. Not now. If I was going to do this, I had to make a clean break from Ryan. Both Ben and I had to CHOOSE this. So for now, I had to choose ‘best friends’.

So I moved up behind him, laying my naked body against his back, hugging him fiercely. I squeezed him as hard as I possibly could. And then from behind, I gently kissed the back of his neck.

“You’ll always be my Ben.”

“And you’ll always be my Dawn.”

And then he left.

“Oh-OHHHH!” Robin wailed. “Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Oh-OHHHH!!!”

Ryan’s grunting soon joined Robin’s wailing, their voices ascending in pitch and volume until they both ended in howls of final pleasure. And then the bathroom went silent save for the noise of the shower spray.

In the spare room, really more of Ryan’s and my junk room, something was banging rhythmically against the wall. Since we didn’t have a bed in there, I assumed it was the folding table we used as an extra desk. Gwen’s moans and Bert’s grunts were in perfect sync with the banging, so it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what was going on.

I merely sat on the couch, practically oblivious to it all. I cursed Ben for denying me the pleasure I wanted for him. I mentally railed at him for insisting that we couldn’t fuck without having it mean something more. And I praised him for being mature enough to understand it.

Ben was right. If we ever had sex again ... no... made love again ... I would be ruined for Ryan. I would never be able to go back to my boyfriend again, not after having shared myself again with my soulmate. Ben was right: if we ever let ourselves become intimate, it would have to be the sort of thing that would mean we were getting back together, for good. And I just wasn’t ready for that yet. I wasn’t sure Ben was ready, either.

I was still sitting there when Robin and Ryan came out. Ryan was in the lead, too eager to wait like a gentleman for Robin to leave first. Perhaps he’d even shortened his fuck with Robin in the shower in order to hurry back out and see Ben and me in action.

My boyfriend quickly scanned the room and spotted me immediately, a frown etching across his face as he realized that I was alone and re-dressed in my camisole and cotton shorts. He glanced at the door and then barked, “Where’s Ben?”

I sighed. “He left.”

Ryan blinked a few times, processing that. He seemed to be trying to decide whether or not Ben had fucked me and run away already, or if we just hadn’t gone through with it. He figured on the second and questioned me with his eyes. I looked down and shook my head in the negative.

“What happened?” he asked and came over to sit down beside me. Robin remained silent, but moved to the other couch and sat down, watching us intently.

I exhaled. “He couldn’t do it. He knows you don’t really want him to.”

Ryan started to protest but I held up a hand. “Okay, we KNOW you told us to, but deep down, do you REALLY want us to ever have sex? Ever? I mean, given the choice between having us do it once, just so you can satisfy your curiosity, or having us NEVER do it, which would you choose?”

Ryan frowned and looked down. “Never.”

I shrugged. “There you are.”

“But how can I be sure you never will?”

I leaned forward and rubbed Ryan’s knee. “Because I love you. And because Ben respects you. And if we didn’t do it tonight, having had the biggest opportunity to do so, then you should know that we never will.”

Ryan let out a long, long exhalation. He even glanced over at Robin, who just shrugged and said, “Makes sense.”

He frowned, clearly at war with his own brain. He looked like he wasn’t sure whether to feel happy that we hadn’t gone through with it, or worried because he STILL didn’t know how he’d feel if we ever did. Even though I promised him that Ben and I would never cross that line, and even though the “opportunity” argument made a lot of rational sense, that niggling of doubt would always remain.

I squeezed my boyfriend’s knee again, then stood up and nodded back to the bathroom. “Come on, babe. I’m dirty, sweaty, and horny. Since you’re done with Robin, can you come clean me up?”

I was waiting in the doorway to Ben’s bedroom when he arrived. I knew he’d have to come here, and I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw him again.

For some reason, he didn’t look like the Ben I knew before. It was as if he physically didn’t look the same; but the more I stared the more I realized that wasn’t the case. He was the same 6’0” height I remembered. His hair was cut a little shorter, but other than that, he had the same cheekbones, the same build, and the same body.

But his posture was a little different. I couldn’t put my finger on any physical difference in his stance, but there was a calmness about him, as if he could stand in his position for days on end without tiring. There was a peace in his eyes, steady and assured. He just seemed ... more adult.

Ben was growing up.

“Hey you,” he began slowly, when it became clear I wasn’t going to say anything first.

“Hey,” I replied hesitantly, furrowing my eyebrows as I stared at him.

“What’s wrong?”

I finally figured out the difference. Ever since Adrienne and Paige had broken up with him at the end of Freshman year, Ben had been a little edgy, like an addict going through withdrawal. Ben’s life was unsettled and even when he was getting laid more often than ever, with more different girls than ever, he seemed like he could never just relax and be totally at peace.

He was at peace now, for whatever reasons. I wondered if it had anything to do with that swingers party or if something revelatory had happened to him over Winter Break. But the point was that the Ben who arrived on campus today was a much more mature version of the one who had left a month ago.

I blinked as this realization dawned on me, then smiled and stepped forward, opening my arms to my best friend. We came together in the hallway, arms wrapped tightly around each other in the firmest, fiercest hug imaginable. He was squeezing me with almost all of his strength, straining my ribcage; and I squeezed him back even harder. “Gawd, I missed you,” I sighed and pushed my nose into the crook of his neck.

“It’s only been four weeks.”

“I know. But it feels like it’s been forever. I felt like I didn’t even recognize you when you walked in.”

“Same old me.”

I leaned back, my hands still on his shoulders, peering into his eyes. Yep. Different Ben. And I found that I liked this Ben. He was closer to the man I knew he could become, the man who would be right for me ... forever. “No,” I disagreed. “There’s something a little different about you.”

“Maybe you need to get your eyes checked,” he drawled.

I giggled and hugged him again. “Mmm ... Welcome back, Ben.”

He sighed happily and inhaled against my hair. “It’s good to be back.”

The doorbell rang.

About half of us picked our heads up and looked around. I got up and said, “Must be Ryan.”

Gwen and Ben nodded and I left. I opened the door, ready to hug my boyfriend and ask why the hell he was using the doorbell when everyone always just walked right in. But to my utter shock and surprise, it was Paige. She stood there, seemingly far smaller than her 5’2” height, looking like shit. Her face was streaked with tears, and she had what seemed to be a days-old black eye. Her arms were crossed over her own waist and she was shivering, even though she wore a heavy coat and it wasn’t really that cold outside. I knew instantly that something was very, very wrong.

Without a word to Paige, I turned and quickly hustled back to the living room, leaving the door open. “Ben,” I began in a quiet, deadly serious voice. “I think you’d better come here.”

He knew better than to ask questions, and he quickly got up and followed me to the door. “Paige?” he asked questioningly as soon as he saw her. And then he gasped in shock. “Paige, what happened?”

“B-Ben ... Uh, can I come in?” she asked hesitantly. There was no trace of the bravado she’d displayed the last few times we’d seen each other. Gone was the rebellious, self-destructive bitchy girl of last semester. In her place was a little girl frightened out of her wits.

“Of course, of course,” Ben held his arm out to her and she came in. She shivered again when he hugged her, momentarily shrinking away. But a second later, she lunged into his embrace and started sobbing big heaving cries of despair while shuddering uncontrollably.

Ben looked up at me, his face full of worry. I had no idea what to do, but Ben tilted his head toward his bedroom. I led the way as Ben half-carried Paige there.

Once inside, it was a bit like pulling teeth as Ben probed gently to try and figure out what the hell had happened to her and why she was at our door. I kind of figured some guy had hit her, from the black eye. So that wasn’t a big surprise. But I almost passed out when Paige finally admitted, “I’m pregnant.”

As she told us her story, I started to feel really guilty for the way I’d thought of Paige over the past couple of years. It wasn’t that I thought I was wrong about her. Even now, I still thought that Paige was only concerned for herself. But given what she was going through, I couldn’t really blame her. The girl had been through hell. And a small part of me thought it might be my fault; as if I had somehow pushed her away from Ben and into the life she led once she was out of his orbit.

Drugs. Promiscuity. Getting physically abused by men. I couldn’t even IMAGINE that kind of life. She didn’t even know who the father was.

Still, I thought it a little bit unfair that she was coming back to Ben. Wasn’t this the job of Paige’s parents? I knew that if I ever got into trouble, I could always depend on my family. Ben had enough problems of his own without being saddled by a stupid girl who’d brought this mess upon herself. But I held my tongue and tried to focus on my sense of compassion. Paige needed a friend, and I couldn’t imagine someone better than Ben.

Besides, I’d promised Ben that I’d support him. Even last semester, he’d wanted to do something to help her. And now the time had come.

So Ben pulled Paige to him in a warm hug and promised, “We’ll figure it out.” If he’d done the same for me, I would believe him too. And all three of us started to relax.

Of course, Ryan just HAD to be waiting outside when we emerged an hour later, after Paige had fallen asleep. My boyfriend leveled his gaze right at Ben and growled, “Would someone like to tell me what you two were doing inside that bedroom all this time?”

We explained the situation and even showed Ryan that Paige was sleeping in Ben’s bed. But I read the tension in my boyfriend’s eyes. You’d think that after the last time Ben and I had a chance to have sex, but didn’t, Ryan would know better. You’d think that after a month of just being alone together for Winter Break, he would have relaxed his paranoia. Not so. The same wariness he had about Ben and me last semester was back.

And I realized that it would never, ever go away.

“So let me get this straight...” I paused to take a sip of my coffee, scrunching up my eyebrows as I collected my thoughts. “Cadence is fine with you sleeping with other girls because you and her haven’t reached that point in your relationship.”

“Yeah.”

“And she says you two haven’t reached that point in your relationship because she’s waiting for you to make your move.”

“Yeah.”

“But you haven’t made your move because you’re not sure you’re ready for that kind of commitment.”

“Right.”

“Huh ... Weird.”

“What?”

“It’s just ... I never thought you’d have been able to think that many jumps ahead when sex was presented to you.”

“Huh?”

I smiled. “I love you, Ben, but higher brain functions were not your strong point when an opportunity for sex was in front of you.”

“Well, maybe I’m growing up.”

I smirked. “Maybe.” I took a deep breath and relaxed, admiring the way Ben had changed over the years. Too often, growing up, he just went with the flow and never really questioned what was going on as long as he got to stick his dick into a willing girl. Commitment, no commitment, it didn’t matter. Getting laid in the immediate term had always been the priority. And being able to keep a girl happy had less to do with consideration for her feelings than ensuring she didn’t cut off his supply of regular pussy.

I was surprised that Ben hadn’t slept with Cadence yet. They’d been on several dates over the course of many weeks, by far the longest I’d ever seen Ben show an interest in a girl and NOT end up fucking. I had to admit, I was very curious about this sorority girl who’d so completely wrapped him around her little finger. I didn’t know much about her, beyond what Ben told me. I hadn’t gotten the chance to really talk to her myself, to evaluate her or anything. Then again, I hadn’t been very interested in getting to know any of the other Tri-Delts he’d been banging for the past few months. But I respected Ben’s judgment on this. He seemed to be happy, and that was good enough for me.

Well, he was happy except for this sex thing.

We talked a bit more about it; and in the end I fell back on the old standby: Communication, communication, communication. “Only two ways to find out: either you sleep with her, then sleep with someone else, and see how she reacts...”

Ben grimaced.

“... Or you TALK to her.”

He smiled and nodded. I hoped Ben would take my advice to heart and get things worked out. Like I said, I didn’t know Cadence very well, but I figured that would change if they started seriously dating. Right now, their budding relationship seemed to be good for everybody.

For Ben, it was a chance to find happiness. Maybe meeting someone new was just what he needed after the fallouts over dating me, Adrienne, Paige, and DJ — all of whom were friends first. Cadence was a fresh start.

For me and Ryan, our relationship improved dramatically once Ben showed himself to be seriously interested in someone. It was as if Ben’s single-status was somehow a threat to Ryan, making him worry my best friend would turn his attentions on me. With Ben preoccupied with a new girl, Ryan relaxed noticeably and our time spent together in a group was much more pleasant.

Maybe Paige wasn’t too happy. She was getting less attention from Ben, but I thought that was also a good thing for her. She’d clearly re-developed her obsessive crush on Ben in the time she’d been staying with us, and for her to see that Ben really didn’t see her in that romantic light could only help her get over the crush and move on with her life. She HAD to realize that Ben considered her a friend in need, and nothing more.

And Ben’s relationship with Cadence was also good for me. The Swingers Party had shaken me, shaken my faith in my own relationship with Ryan. I had rediscovered just how much I craved Ben with my very soul, and if we’d spent much more time around each other I was sure we’d end up falling into each other’s arms and making love. But he’d gone away for Winter Break and I’d spent my time focusing on my boyfriend. So those immediate urges had gone away.

Those urges had started to come back a bit over the past couple of months. I started doubting myself again, wondering if I could truly be happy with Ryan in the long run. But with Ben hooking up with Cadence and seeming to be quite content in developing that relationship, I reminded myself of our choices to be best friends forever. He was right: we could be eternal as friends; and maybe that was how things were meant to be. As long as Ben stayed happy with his girlfriend, he wouldn’t be trying to win me back.

And deep down I knew that if Ben ever really tried, he would succeed.

So for all our sakes, I hoped things went well with Cadence.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” I muttered to Ryan.

“What?” My boyfriend squeezed my shoulder. “She seemed nice.”

We both looked to the front door, which had closed behind Ben and Cadence. Before today, I’d never really met the girl. My only impressions had been the few times she passed us on-campus, flirting cutely like one would expect from a tall, beautiful, blonde sorority girl. I knew Ben was settling down and truly looking for an intimate, happy relationship; and the fact that Cadence held out having sex with Ben for three weeks had made me believe he was on the right track. After all, a relationship built on three weeks of “getting-to-know-you” instead of “fucking-as-often-as-humanly-possible” HAD to be a good thing for Ben, right?

But then Ben had brought her to meet us today. And while the girl was certainly nice, I’d immediately gotten a bad vibe about her. She wasn’t what I was expecting AT ALL. Yeah, she was drop-dead gorgeous. I wouldn’t have expected Ben to settle for anything less. But she wasn’t the settle down, intimacy type. She was flighty, chatting with everyone all at once, switching the person she was talking to every three seconds it seemed. Maybe she was just nervous and wanted to make a good impression on everyone. But Cadence didn’t seem the type of girl to give Ben the stability he needed.

I wasn’t the only one to notice. Brandi took a more active role, grilling Cadence about her goals and her daily lifestyle and things like that. A lot of her answers revealed her ... what did Ben call it?... “butterfly” personality. She flitted from flower to flower, spooking and flying away at the first sign of disturbance.

Unfortunately, Ben seemed oblivious to the conversation. He just sagged against the couch, idly stroking Cadence’s back, lost in his own thoughts. I wondered, ‘Are you hearing this?’

Then again, Cadence could just be a flirty, talkative type when around others. She WAS, after all, a sorority girl. Hell, Adrienne could be just as much of a social butterfly in the right setting. Perhaps Ben knew the intimate, softer side of Cadence when they were alone.

But I couldn’t shake the sense that this relationship was going to blow up in Ben’s face someday. “She’s nice,” I told Ryan. “But she’s not right for him.”

“C’mon, babe. Don’t be jealous,” Ryan patted my back. “Ben’s a big boy and he can take care of himself.”

“I know, I know,” I sighed. “I just want what’s best for him, that’s all.”

He sighed and took a deep breath. “I know you do.” He didn’t sound too happy with that knowledge; but he accepted it. “But it’s not like you won’t be around him to talk him through it, right?”

I nodded. I’d keep a watchful eye on them.

“So how are things with the new girlfriend?” I squeezed Ben’s hand as we walked together to our first class of the day. “You didn’t come by the apartment yesterday.”

Ben blushed and gave me a shit-eating grin. “We got a little sidetracked.”

“I’ll bet.” I grinned back knowingly. Well of course they went and had sex. What ELSE would Ben be doing? “But what I meant was: Is she making you happy?”

Ben arched an eyebrow and glanced over at me. “Hmm?”

“I’m serious. Is Cadence making you happy? It’s been almost two weeks since Valentine’s. And more than five weeks since your first date. I want to know if this new girl is making my best friend happy.” Was she the type of girl I thought she was? Or was there a little more substance behind that giggling Barbie Girl I’d met before?

“Yeah,” he nodded and smiled. “Things are great.”

“Do tell...”

“She’s really sweet and bubbly and so much fun to be around. When we’re together, she’s such a ... well, a Princess. It’s kind of fun treating her like one. She’s into chivalry and all these romantic flourishes like holding doors and pulling out her chair. It was even worth the cost of dry cleaning to lay my coat down over a puddle, she was so happy. And it makes me feel like a Prince when I’m around her.”

I giggled, knowing exactly why Ben loved that part. “Strokes your male ego a bit, doesn’t it? Feeling like the handsome white knight?”

“You know me.”

I did. “So when are you going to bring her by the apartment after classes to hang out with us?” I wanted a few more chances to get to know her better.

“Oh, I don’t know if we’ll ever get like that.” Ben shrugged. “She has her own friends and does her own thing most of the time. We just try to get together every other day or so, maybe spend the night together.”

We chatted a bit about Paige and Adrienne. But without any prompting from me, Ben switched things back to my main concern. “Oddly enough,” he began. “I feel like I’m missing out on the intimacy department.”

“Hmm?” I arched an eyebrow curiously and forced myself to keep my mouth shut, lest I interrupt Ben’s natural impulse to spill everything.

“Well, take this for example.” Ben held up our hands, which had been joined together since we met up. “Cadence almost never holds my hand. She just feels freer walking on her own, sometimes even skipping a bit.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “I told you I always thought of her as a butterfly. She still is: sweet and pretty and yet aloof and flighty. She’s not really a PDA person. She doesn’t want to kiss me in public or hug me or anything. I might get a peck on the cheek; but that’s it. It’s not her style. Well, unless we’re around the sorority. Then she’s all over me, showing off that she’s taken possession of the old sorority cock. Especially around Jocelyn. Joss doesn’t seem to mind that I’m taken now, but Cadence seems to want to rub it in her face.”

“Don’t go off on a tangent, Ben,” I warned. “You were complaining about lack of intimacy.” I REALLY wanted to get to the bottom of this part.

Ben shrugged. “I dunno. I just got spoiled by you and Adrienne and Paige, I guess. You never left me wanting for hugs or little, tender caresses. It isn’t Cadence’s thing. And even in the sex department, we’re not all that tender or affectionate. I never told you this before, but while Cadence is all sweet and prim and even a little snooty in public, she turns into the most degraded, filthy, trash-talking slut in the bedroom.”

“Really?” I turned and grinned at him. I wanted to talk ‘intimacy’, but it had been a while since I got to live a wild sex fantasy vicariously through Ben’s descriptions. “Okay, gimme details.”

He frowned momentarily. “You know I’m not the kind of guy to talk.”

I pouted and flashed puppy-dog eyes at him, guaranteed to work every time. “But Ben ... this is me...”

It worked. Ben chuckled and nodded. “Every other word out of her mouth is a swear word while we’re fucking. And she’s pretty nasty in general. She’ll fuck on any surface in the room. She’s really flexible and will let me bend her into any pretzel position I can think of. She can even tuck her own legs behind her head. Imagine THAT.”

My eyes went wide as an image of tall, leggy Cadence reclined back across a dining table, holding her legs back and behind her own shoulders in a yoga position, putting her pussy on full display for anyone to ravage. Even though I didn’t really know the girl, a naughty shiver ran up my spine.

Ben was chuckling while shaking his head. “She really gets into ass-to-mouth. And,” he paused and blushed. “Uh, yesterday, she jacked me off until I spooged onto a bagel; and then she ate it right in front of me.”

My eyebrows shot way up and I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head in mild disbelief. But still, my panties were getting a little damp. “Kinky ... Would never have thought that to look at her...”

Ben shook his head too. “Me, neither. Caught me totally by surprise after we’d gone through so many dates without even getting past first base. She wants to be a Royal Princess in public, with all the chivalrous opening doors and bringing her flowers at every date. And she even got me to sing ‘Once Upon A Dream’ to her.”

I cracked up, “Don’t tell Adrienne about that one. I thought she staked claim to Sleeping Beauty.”

Ben smiled and continued. “Cadence is a Princess in public and a wanton slut behind closed doors. She’s even re-played ‘Barbie Girl’ on the my computer, urging me to just take her and use her. THAT was a pretty wild four minutes.”

“Lady in the street and a freak in the bed. Sounds perfect.” I grinned. Ben sounded happy. Maybe I was overthinking the intimacy thing, especially with a horn dog male like my Ben.

But right after, Ben sighed forlornly. “Still, I miss those affectionate little caresses. And Cadence and I really don’t talk much, not seriously. She loves to chatter but she keeps flitting from one topic to the next. And...” he exhaled slowly. “I dunno ... I just don’t feel as close to her as I want to be.”

“Why not?”

“Well for one, it seems like we never make love. Everything is wild, crazy, monkey sex.”

“So?”

“So...” Ben sighed. “I dunno. I thought I wanted to get back into a relationship because I missed the intimacy. YOU said I needed intimacy. If all I wanted was crazy-monkey-sex, I would have stayed single and kept banging Tri-Delts.”

“So you’re NOT happy,” I sighed, squeezing my hand. This was what I was afraid of.

Ben frowned and stopped walking. “Wait, I didn’t say THAT.”

“Seems like you just did.” I was already trying to work out how to rescue him.

“No, no. I’m blowing this all out of proportion. You asked me to hash out all the things that are missing so far, and it seems worse than it really is. Cadence and I are fine; we just have things to work on, that’s all. It’s still really early in the relationship, and these things always take a little time to go from lustful fucking to making love. Seriously, I know I can’t expect to feel as close to her as I do to you or Adrienne or to anyone else I’ve been friends with for years.”

I took a deep breath. Early in the relationship ... yeah. I remembered what it was like to get to know someone. Back when Ryan first started pursuing me, our relationship had pretty much been about crazy-monkey sex too. The intimacy part developed later. Okay, maybe I was overthinking this. Ben certainly seemed happy with the way the relationship was progressing and I had to give him the benefit of doubt. And it was only three weeks. So I nodded in understanding. “Okay ... If you say so...”

Then again, I couldn’t help the nagging sense in the back of my head that this whole thing just wasn’t going to work out for Ben.

“Just keep in mind what you want to get out of this relationship and make sure you and her are on the same page,” I warned. Then I looked off, muttering a little more quietly, “Because if the two of you don’t agree on where things are going, then the relationship is just doomed to fail.”

Ryan sighed and tilted his chair back away from the desk, bringing his right hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose while dropping the letter onto the desk with his left hand.

I glanced over and frowned. “Another rejection?” I asked softly.

He nodded. “Cisco. Just not a good year for Telecom graduates.”

“You’ll find something,” I assured him.

“Maybe,” he sighed. “I just know it’s last semester’s grades that are killing me. Nobody in this economy wants to hire somebody with a 2.8 GPA.”

“You’re still on track to graduate,” I assured him.

“A degree is nothing if I can’t get a job, Dawn,” Ryan grumped.

“Jobs will come.”

“And if they don’t? I’ve got student loans piling up. What? I move back home with my parents? That’s no life for us.”

I blinked. “Us?”

Ryan frowned and looked at me. “Of course, ‘us’. Aren’t you coming with me?”

I arched an eyebrow. “Uh, I kind of have SCHOOL, Ryan. I’ve got two more years at least, remember?”

“Of course, of course,” he nodded. “It’s not like I was expecting you to drop out. But ... you’re still going to live with me, right?”

I nodded. “Of course.” Then I blinked as his previous statement sunk in. “Wait, are you expecting me to leave Berkeley?”

He shrugged. “Most of the jobs I’m qualified for are in Silicon Valley. I thought we might move down there, start scoping out nice neighborhoods, get an apartment, and eventually buy a condo or something in the area once you graduate. I even did a little looking into the best school districts down there. Fremont is expensive as all hell, but it might be worth it.”

I blinked and arched my eyebrow again. “School districts? Ryan, I’m not even twenty yet. Are you crazy?”

“I’m not saying I’d want kids right away or anything,” he said defensively. “But it just seems to make sense to choose to live in nice areas where we can eventually start a family.”

“Start a family? And just when were you thinking to do that?”

“I dunno. 25? 26?”

“Your age, you mean,” I frowned. “That would make me... 23, 24? Isn’t that a little young?”

He shrugged. “My mom had me when she was 21.”

“I’m not your mom.” I glared at him.

“I didn’t say you were.”

“And even IF I wanted to have kids at that age — which, by the way, I don’t - that’s 4-5 years in the future. We’ve barely been together longer than TWO. Don’t you think that’s a little premature?”

“I’m not saying we HAVE to have kids right away. I just thought that—”

I shook my head. “Ryan, you don’t even HAVE a job in Silicon Valley yet.”

He frowned. “It’ll come. It’ll come,” he insisted.

“And Fremont’s what, an hour away in traffic? If not more?”

“You can take the BART.”

“And what if you get a job in Sunnyvale or San Jose or even FURTHER South? And when did we decide that I was going to commute to school? Huh?”

“I just thought that—”

“Just thought what?” I interrupted harshly. “I have team projects that run until midnight sometimes. I have classes at the most random hours of the day. And if I get into the Undergraduate Business Program, I’m going to be busier than ever. And you want me to drive back and forth three hours a day?”

“Well, I—”

“How about YOU commute, huh? If you get an 8 to 5 job, then why don’t YOU sit in traffic?”

“Dawn, I didn’t realize this might upset you!”

“What upsets me is that you just started assuming I’d go live wherever you went! And what, if you moved in with your parents, you’d expect me to come live with you?”

“I, uh, well, you’re my girlfriend and I—”

“I have a life here! I have school and I have my friends.”

“Okay, clearly we need to talk about this,” he stammered.

“Clearly.” My eyes were mere slits and I folded my arms over my chest. “And the next time you start making plans for OUR future, how ‘bout you think of asking ME what I want?”

He winced and nodded.

I sighed and put my hand over my forehead, rubbing my temples with my thumb on one side and my middle finger on the other. “Look, Adrienne’s always telling me about how relationships are based on expectations. I expect you to be my boyfriend, loving and loyal and supportive and nothing really more than that. We’re too young for anything more than that. What are you expecting of me?”

Ryan looked at me sadly. “I expect you to love me, only me. And someday, I expect you to be my wife.”

I sighed and shook my head, unable to believe Ryan really expected that. And then I said something I probably shouldn’t have. “I don’t want to marry you, Ryan.”

His face went white.

I planted my forehead against my palm. And then I exhaled really loudly. Yeah, neither of us was getting to sleep anytime soon.

Ryan and I argued about our future for hours and hours, not going to sleep until after 4am, after which it might have been better just to try and pull an all-nighter. After all, it can never be a small, 20-minute argument when you tell a guy you don’t ever want to marry him when he’s expecting you to get engaged and get married down the road. It’s especially hard when your primary reason is that in the back of your head, you still want to believe you’ll end up with someone else, only you can’t come out and SAY that. Finding and trying to explain other excuses take a lot of time and effort.

Plus, I wasn’t used to fighting with Ryan, so neither of us really knew how to just end the fight. After all, part of what made our relationship so great was that we never fought. He loved me and was devoted to me and I appreciated him for it. We were both pretty laid-back, neither of us bothered by personal idiosyncrasies or strange habits. For example, we never had the massive roommate conflicts that Ben and Adrienne had gone through when they first moved in together.

One other aspect of never fighting was that Ryan kept his own emotions and opinions to himself most of the time. He subscribed to the male-ideal of being strong, supportive, and dispassionate. He listened to me and offered me advice on my problems, but he was loathe to share his own. That was okay. I got enough “sharing” out of Ben on a daily basis. But in this case, Ryan had never really talked to me about his plans for the future, or that he’d even MADE plans for OUR future. I hadn’t particularly agreed with what he’d come up with, and my own words to Ben were coming back to haunt me.

If the two of you don’t agree on where things are going, then the relationship is just doomed to fail.

I didn’t think Ryan and I were doomed just yet, but we certainly weren’t in agreement, either. He wanted to settle down, or at least talk about settling down. And I thought it was too premature. In the end, we had to agree to disagree when we were too exhausted to continue and TRIED to get a couple of hours of rest.

A couple of hours wasn’t enough. Add in a trying day of boring lectures and I was dog-tired when Ben and I made it back to his house the following day. Ryan was still at class and I wanted to stop in and check on Paige. I knew she’d had a prenatal visit the previous afternoon, and wanted to see how she was doing. She’d been remarkably less annoying ever since the pregnancy, taking life seriously and being far less of an irresponsible little girl than she’d been Freshman year.

“Heya, Red,” I greeted Paige wearily as Ben and I entered in. “How’d it go?”

The pregnant girl looked up from her books, spread across the coffee table when we walked in. She smiled at me and asked, “Did you just call me ‘Red’?”

I blinked and blushed. “I guess I did. So much time spent around Ben, after all.”

She smiled warmly and nodded. Then she took a deep breath and glanced at Ben, a resigned expression on her face. “It’s really real.”

I nodded. “Ben told me you guys heard the heartbeat yesterday.”

Paige nodded a confirmation. Then she sighed. “I guess we’re just working out how I’m going to tell my parents. They’re picking me up for Spring Break and there’s no way I’m going to be able to hide this.”

I frowned and sighed thoughtfully. “You going to be okay?”

She took a deep breath. “Ask me again when I get back.” She snorted. “That’s IF they even let me come back. I wouldn’t put it past them to throw me in the car and dump me at a convent.”

“Paige...” Ben groaned.

The little redhead shrugged. “Okay, I’m joking. Sort of ... Just like I joke when I tell Ben I want him to marry me and raise this baby.” She giggled. Ben just looked nervously at me.

I arched an eyebrow and sighed. “Why is everyone talking about getting married and raising families?”

Now it was Ben’s turn to arch an eyebrow. “Huh?”

I waved him off. “Just Ryan dreaming. Nothing serious.” ‘Nothing serious’, I’d said, as if I wasn’t caught in the biggest decision of my life. If Ryan pressed, if he wanted me to seriously commit to him or lose him forever, would I do it? I loved my boyfriend. He worked so hard to make me happy. But ... could he make me happy enough that I wouldn’t regret not being with Ben? Dating Ryan for a few years was one thing, especially while Ben was sowing his wild oats. But ... forever? I used to think I could do it, but now that the decision was staring me in the face, I wasn’t so sure.

Ryan ... not Ben ... for all eternity...

Was I just settling?

Or did I need to seriously start thinking about getting Ben back?

“Oh, okay,” Ben shrugged. Strangely, he didn’t seem even slightly worried that Ryan had been talking babies with me. Did he just not care?

“Anyways,” Ben continued. “If you two will excuse me, I need to do some research.”

I arched an eyebrow, but Paige beat me to it. “Research for what?”

He smiled. “It’s my one-month anniversary with Cadence on Sunday. Just want to come up with something special.”

I snorted to myself. Figures. I’m all torn up about whether to settle down with Ryan or pine after Ben, and he’s focused on a date with Cadence. I sighed and shook my head, clearing away my melodramatic thoughts.

Paige bit her lip nervously while watching Ben head off into his own room. I looked thoughtfully at the girl while she let her eyes linger after Ben, and I sighed inwardly. So much for the little redhead getting over her crush. The longer she stayed here, the more she depended on having Ben as her partner in this pregnancy. This couldn’t continue much longer. A decision had to be made for what to do with her baby.

I could wait, at least, to see what became of Paige’s confession to her parents. If we were all lucky, they’d take responsibility for their daughter and help her get things organized. Maybe that meant organizing an abortion or adoption. Maybe it meant pulling her out of school until she could give birth and figure out how to raise the baby. Either way, we were just friends. They were family.

And if Paige’s parents didn’t resolve the situation, I’d have to pull Ben back from her. At best, Paige would have to deal with things more on her own. We could all help her out in the spirit of friendship, but we had our own lives to deal with. A pregnant teenager is a sinking ship, and if Ben didn’t break free, he’d get sucked right down with her.

“So how’s that studly boyfriend of yours doing? I feel like I haven’t seen you all year,” Dayna dropped the side of her head onto her palm. We were seated side-by-side on the living room couch at home, meaning my family’s house.

“I know. I still can’t believe you’ve been busy falling head over heels for Kevin.”

“I KNOW,” Dayna gushed. “Who’da thunk that?”

I rolled my eyes. How did the rest of us end up using so many SAT words and Dayna always slip into “who’da thunk”? But I moved beyond that and sighed, “Ryan’s ... good.”

“Uh-oh. You hesitated,” my big sister smirked at me.

“No, really. We’re fine. We’re fine.”

“Another rut? Maybe I should put together another blindfold party.”

“NO.” I glared at her, but Dayna was already waving her hands.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” She grinned. “My wild and crazy days are over ... I think. It pains me to think that I may have enjoyed your Big Ben for the last time already, but with how happy Kevin makes me, I think I just might be okay.”

I blinked and furrowed my eyebrows at that.

Dayna just kind of looked at me for a long while and then asked, “Are YOU okay with that?”

I blinked a few more times. “Okay with what?”

My sister leaned forward, her eyes boring into mine. “Are you okay knowing that you’ve already had Ben for the last time? Are you ready to settle down with Ryan and live out the rest of your life in happy monogamy?”

“What?”

“Okay, well maybe not TOTAL monogamy.” Dayna smirked. “Kevin and I DO like to play around from time to time. Did I tell you that we ran into Julie Carpenter and her boyfriend over Valentine’s Weekend? A couple of drinks led to a couple more, and the next thing we knew, all four of us were getting naked at Kevin’s apartment.”

I winced. More information than I really needed. “What’s your point?”

“You thinking of marrying Ryan?”

I frowned. How the hell could she know... ? “What makes you think Ryan’s even considering that?” I hedged.

She shrugged. “He’s a Senior, like me and Kevin and the rest. I talk to all my girlfriends and they talk to their boyfriends. We’re graduating now. That means we’re going out getting jobs and thinking of the future. Even if no one is about to get engaged or anything, they’re taking a hard look at the person they’re with and asking themselves if THIS is the person they want to face the real world with.”

I leaned back and sighed. “Ryan, too.”

“See,” Dayna said triumphantly. “So you guys have had The Talk?”

“What talk?”

“THE Talk. The ‘Are we serious enough to really do this together?’ commitment talk.”

“Uh, I guess so. I found out that Ryan had been making these plans about getting an apartment nearby his new job in a good community with a nice school district and stuff like that.”

“So Ryan finally found a job?”

I sighed. “No. Not yet. Is that bad?”

Dayna shrugged. “Not seriously. Only about half of us have already figured that out. It’s not really a good economy right now. So don’t worry about him just yet. But wait, was he expecting you to go with him?”

I nodded.

“But you’re only a Sophomore!” Dayna frowned.

“I KNOW. He acted like it was no big deal and that I could easily commute.”

“That doesn’t sound like Ryan. He was always so considerate of what YOU needed.”

“I know.” I sighed. “Probably our first big fight. He really took it hard when I explained that I had my life up here and I had no plans on leaving it yet. At least, not until AFTER school.”

Dayna arched an eyebrow. “You mention Ben in all that?”

“What?”

“You mention that you didn’t want to leave behind Ben at all? Even tangentially?”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “I dunno. Maybe. I mentioned all my friends.”

Dayna shrugged. “Maybe that’s why he wanted you to move out with him. Let’s face it, once me and Brandi are gone, if you DON’T move with Ryan, you’re moving back into the house with Ben, Adrienne, Brooke, and DJ, aren’t you?”

“Wouldn’t you?”

“In your situation? ‘Course I would. And if I were Ryan, I’d HATE that idea.”

“Why?”

“Don’t be dense. You ... Ben ... under one roof ... Ryan an hour away at some tech job all day ... What do you think is going through your boyfriend’s head?”

“Nonsense. Ryan knows Ben and I aren’t like that anymore.”

“Things change.” Dayna looked at me seriously. “I, for one, will NEVER count you and Ben out. You’re soulmates. It’s destiny.”

“Holy crap, Dawn! What’s gotten into you?” Ryan blushed as I ripped open his shorts, hurriedly yanking them down his legs. He’d been ten minutes later than his expected arrival at my house, and I was damned impatient.

“Nothing’s gotten into me,” I groaned. “That’s the point! I need YOU in me!”

With our parents at work and DJ’s school having a different spring break week than Cal, Dayna and I had free rein of the house. And since Dayna had decided to go back to Berkeley to spend the weekdays with her friends, that meant I had free rein of the house.

I worked my boyfriend’s shorts down to his ankles before kneeling at the foot of my bed and hunching over his lap. His thick cock was only half-hard before I pinched it between my fingers and inhaled it to the root, suckling furiously and reveling in the feel of his meat coming alive.

I felt Ryan’s fingers sliding into my hair as he groaned. For a moment, I fantasized that it was Ben’s hand and Ben’s groan, and I moaned in heated arousal and started sucking harder.

But a second later, I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself back to the present. I couldn’t think of Ben. WHY did my fucking subconscious keep doing that to me? Ryan was my boyfriend. Ryan was the man I loved. Ryan was the one who had been loyal by my side ever since High School.

Dayna was wrong. Ben wasn’t my soulmate. Ben wasn’t my destiny. He was just a very, very good friend I’d grown up with my entire life. There wasn’t anything mystical about it. We’d spent so much time together that we understood each other. But it was the kind of bond that had made us such good friends over the years, and built the kind of trust that we could share EVERYTHING with each other. He could tell me how he was falling for Cadence. I could tell him how much I loved the way Ryan treated me. We were friends, nothing more.

I focused on Ryan. I focused on the feel of my boyfriend’s cock. He had grown to the point that I couldn’t fit him all inside my mouth anymore. So my fingers wrapped around his shaft below my mouth, stroking him while I fed upon the mushroom head. He groaned gutturally, “Dawn ... Dawn...” And soon enough, I felt his balls pulsing in my hands as he fed me the cream from his loins.

Like a good girlfriend, I swallowed every drop and then moved up to kiss him. Not minding the taste, Ryan’s mouth parted to meet my tongue. And he kissed me with an intense passion as he thanked me for the excellent blowjob.

After another minute, Ryan rolled me onto my back and started stripping away my clothes. When he got me naked, he was quickly between my thighs, eagerly lapping at my wet slit and pushing first one and then another finger inside me for stimulation.

It was my turn to run my fingers through his hair and tug his head against my loins. I whimpered, “Ryan ... Ryan...” knowing how much it turned him on for me to say his name. And he munched on me with extra enthusiasm until I tensed up and let out a starter climax into his mouth.

Ryan then paused to undress himself the rest of the way as well. Eager to please, I rolled onto my stomach and then pushed myself up onto all fours, presenting my bare ass to him doggy-style.

“All RIGHT!” Ryan crowed. We really didn’t fuck in this position nearly enough for him. I was too enamored of missionary style, feeling my man looming over me, pounding into me while I could wrap myself around him and feel his weight against my chest. I knew Ryan admired my ass and loved the view of fucking me from behind, but we simply didn’t do it very often, Ryan’s desire to please me usually outweighing his desire to have me in any particular position. That was why I was doing this for him now. If he wasn’t hard after the break to eat me, he was certainly hard now.

“Unnnghhh...” I moaned as his shaft slid into me from behind. Ryan gripped my hips and pulled with steady force as he buried his cock deep into my pussy. I flexed my legs and wiggled my hips, luxuriating in the filling sensations of a hot dick stretching my vaginal tunnel. “Fuck me, babe,” I urged. “Fuck me.”

“Ohhh, Dawnnn...” Ryan groaned as he continued shafting me. “You feel so good, babe. You feel so good.”

I closed my eyes and surrendered to the pleasure. Ryan could make me feel just as good as Ben, couldn’t he? I imagined his turgid cock, throbbing and hot, pushing inside my body, battering aside my pussy walls as he descended, filling me up.

It was the wrong thing to think. I knew Ben’s cock so well. I hadn’t seen much of it lately, but I’d already memorized it’s beautiful form. It was Ben’s cock I was imagining, and my eyes snapped open as I fought to reassert myself over my subconscious. “Fuck me, Ryan,” I grunted, emphasizing his name. “Fuck me.”

“Oh, Dawn! Oh, Dawn!” He gasped at the edge of orgasm.

Now, babe, I thought hard. I’m so close. Squeeze my tits. Pinch my nipples. Grind your cockhead against my G-spot. Do it! Now!

But Ryan couldn’t read my mind. No one could, really. Such a thing wasn’t possible. Except that Ben always managed to do just what I needed when I needed it. Still, it wasn’t Ryan’s fault he couldn’t hear my thoughts.

I reached back to yank his right hand off my hip, pulling it up to palm my swaying breast. I canted my hips forward, adjusting the angle and trying to get Ryan’s cockhead to scrape me just right with each thrust. I’d measured both of my men. Ben’s cock was 7 3/4”; Ryan’s was almost the same length at 7 1/2”. Not so big a difference, right? Both were long and thick and wonderful. But somehow, that extra quarter-inch was the difference between Ben’s dickhead pressing my G-spot in this position and Ryan’s ... almost ... but not quite.

It was okay. I was close to orgasm. Just a little more ... Just a little more...

“Arrrghh!!! I’m cumming, Dawn! I’m cumming!” Ryan slam-fucked me, pulling his hands back to my hips, using them as leverage to drive himself into me over and over again as hard as he possibly could.

Ugh, I’m almost there! Longer thrusts, please! No! No! Longer! Not shorter! Longer! Dammit!

But Ryan was gone. He stabbed me shallowly at hyper-speed, grunting in the final seconds. And then he exploded, filling me with sperm and cream and all those gloriously hot juices. His hips stopped moving and he held himself at maximum depth inside me, hosing down my innards while I whimpered at the razor’s edge of orgasm, just not far enough to go over.

NOOOO!

“Unngh!” I put my head down onto the mattress and grunted, dropping my right hand into my own crotch, bracketing my clit and strumming furiously. Had to do this myself. Almost there! Almost there!

And then I was there.

“Gaaahhh!” I gasped with unbelievable relief, feeling the quaking orgasm radiate out from my hips. My legs spasmed and shook before collapsing. And then my pussy dropped away from Ryan’s dick as I fell flat on my face across the bed, panting for oxygen.

Come with me, babe. Come lay on top of me and smother me in your welcome weight.

Instead, Ryan leaned back and sat on his heels. He hunched over to hold himself up with his hands on his knees, gasping for air as well.

That whole fuck symbolized my whole relationship with Ryan. He was good to me, and he made me happy ... Just ... not as happy as I’d have been if I were still with Ben.

And to settle down with Ryan would be just that: settling. Settling for second best. And I couldn’t do that to myself. Not without regretting it for the rest of my life.

Dayna’s words echoed in my brain: ‘I, for one, will NEVER count you and Ben out. You’re soulmates. It’s destiny.’

I had to get Ben back.

I stared at the thin band. It was really just a cheap thing I picked up at a mall kiosk in San Jose. The stencil was done by a little machine not much bigger than a label maker. And after a couple of years, the text had started to flatten out. But it was still legible if you looked for it. And I would never forget those words on the silver band: Ben Forever.

Sighing, I closed the drawer and then folded down the lid to my jewelry case. Soon. Maybe as soon as tomorrow, I could put it back on. I thought about wearing the bracelet today; Ben would HAVE to notice it. But I wanted to talk to him first. Wearing the bracelet unexpectedly might only make him tense up.

In the end, I just made sure I looked good in a nice blouse that showed off my figure and comfortable jeans. Casual, nothing to put Ben OR Ryan on alert. But I still wanted to look good. Then I hustled over to Ben’s house and settled in to wait.

And wait...

And wait...

Where are you, Ben? I need to talk to you.

I fidgeted nervously, biting my nails for the first time since I was thirteen. My mind was a jumbled mess, but a part of me just KNEW that it would all make sense once I saw Ben again. I still couldn’t believe I was even THINKING of doing this, but I had to know: Would Ben take me back?

I loved Ryan. I believed he could make me happy ... enough.

But he wasn’t Ben. He would never be Ben. And no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I would be happy with Ryan, the fact was, if I could choose between them, I’d choose Ben. And I just couldn’t settle down with Ryan not knowing if Ben and I could work out together.

So this was what I’d come up with: I would tell Ben that I loved him and I wanted to know if we had a chance at being together again. I knew he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. But if he were willing, I was ready to throw away everything I had made with Ryan for the chance to see if Ben and I were truly destined to be together. It was reckless. It was impulsive.

But that’s love.

I knew it was possible Ben wouldn’t break up with Cadence for me. I didn’t want to consider that option, but I understood that I was being a little irrational and this would be coming out of left field. I knew it was possible that Ben would see us better as friends, best friends, without the complications of romance. I didn’t yet know how I’d react, but I didn’t care. I was going to put myself out on the line and see what he did.

Now where the hell was he? I knew their flight schedule and I knew how long it took to get back from Oakland airport. Ben was already ... two minutes later than I expected, dammit!

And then the Mustang came around the corner and pulled into the driveway. I sighed in relief and went to the front door. Ben was coming up the steps with two suitcases when I ran up to him and gave him a welcoming hug, “Hey, you,” I breathed, choking up a bit.

He didn’t seem to notice. “Hey,” he replied warmly enough. Then immediately he asked, “Is Paige back yet?”

I blinked. Was he serious? I’d had this big fucking revelation that I didn’t want to just settle for Ryan and that I wanted Ben back and he was asking about freakin’ PAIGE? But getting mad at him wasn’t going to help my case. I shook my head and replied, “No. No word. Not even a phone call since her parents came to get her.”

Oblivious to the turmoil in my head, Ben squeezed me tightly and then said, “I’m heading out to see Cadence. Call me as soon as you hear from Paige, okay?” Without another word, he turned around and started jogging up the sidewalk toward Cadence’s dorm.

FUCK!

Paige showed up about a half-hour after Ben left. Actually, she didn’t just show up. She RAN through the front door, absolutely hysterical.

I was still around, waiting for Ben to come home so that I could tell him I loved him and needed to talk to him about our relationship. Adrienne met Paige first, grabbing the distraught little redhead and tried to calm her down. Brandi showed up as well. I stepped out, and in the end, all four of us wound up back in Adrienne’s bedroom.

Getting information out of Paige was difficult. She was squealing and wailing and at a complete and total loss for what to do. Her answers were incomplete and half-unintelligible. And in frustration, I stepped away and called Ben’s cell phone. I was sure he was busy fucking Cadence’s lights out, but then he HAD said to call him as soon as I heard from Paige.

Two rings and voicemail. Seemed like someone had pressed the END button. Dammit, Ben. This is serious.

I called him again. Same thing.

The third time, the phone went straight to voicemail. FUCK. Ben had turned the damn thing off.

I shook my head and went back into the room.

Eventually, Paige got her story out. I couldn’t believe that parents like this even existed. They’d actually DISOWNED their only child. How fucked up was that?

I suppose I should have been glad they hadn’t physically assaulted her. Brandi had been the practical one to ask about the basics like food, shelter, school, and medical care. Paige was on a full-ride scholarship through her entire academic career. Turned out she was a genius, even managing straight “A’s” last semester while doing drugs and sleeping around with random strangers. I supposed raw brain intelligence didn’t apply to street smarts or basic wisdom about NOT doing drugs and sleeping around with random strangers. But at least she had dorm housing, cafeteria food, and medical care through the end of her pregnancy and beyond.

But it was still incredible what Paige’s parents had done to her. No help of any kind besides prayer. I didn’t knock prayer, I knew quite a few people who were religious, or had some kind of belief system, including several Christians. I’d seen them accomplish a LOT of things based on their faith and their convictions. But to not even TRY to directly figure out what was going on with their daughter just seemed irresponsible. They HAD to be some sort of extremist nut jobs, which made it all the more incredible that they’d let Paige come to Berkeley in the first place.

Paige was just getting calmed down when I heard steps on the front porch. I just knew it was Ben and I raced out of the room. I was emotionally frazzled first from wanting to ask Ben to take me back and having him walk away from me. Listening to Paige’s trauma had only made things worse. And now that I actually saw Ben again, I was fucking pissed off. “Where the FUCK have you been?” I squawked at him.

Ben didn’t look to be in the mood. “At Cadence’s. You fucking KNOW that!” he barked right back. “What’s going on?”

“I’ve been frantically trying to get a hold of you. Your cell phone is off or something.” I marched Ben to Adrienne’s bedroom and flung the door open wider. “While you were busy getting laid, WE were dealing with this,” I jabbed my finger at Paige.

“I wasn’t getting laid,” he spat back, his eyes hard and his voice weary. And then without another word, he pushed past me and went into the room.

I found myself rooted to my spot for a second. Ohmigod, Ben broke up with Cadence! I knew it with certainty, from the look on his face and the way he’d reacted.

I couldn’t help it. My brain had been spinning in circles ever since I came back to campus, anticipating Ben’s arrival. When he’d arrived and left for Cadence’s dorm, I stayed in his bedroom, imagining every possible conversational scenario he and I could end up in as I poured my heart out to him and pleaded with him to take me back. We’d been through enough without each other. It was time for us to be with whom we belonged.

Even with everything Paige was going through, half my brain had been on my own problems. And now that I realized Ben and Cadence had broken up, all I had was one thought:

Maybe we can be together again.

Darkness had already fallen when Ben had returned to the house to find a newly disowned Paige waiting for him in Adrienne’s bedroom. So when Paige nearly passed out in Ben’s arms, and he carried her to his bed and slipped in beside her, I realized that as much as I wanted to, I wasn’t going to get the chance to talk to him tonight.

I was physically shaking from the pent-up tension as I stood in the open doorway to Ben’s bedroom, watching him talking soothingly to Paige as he cuddled her against his body.

Dammit, this was supposed to be MY night! In at least half the scenarios I’d run through my head, Ben had embraced me adoringly and we’d made passionate, sweet love to each other until blissfully falling asleep in each other’s arms. But NO ... It was freakin’ PAIGE in his arms.

I tried to calm myself. It wasn’t like Paige had any clue what she was doing to me. And it’s not like the poor girl got disowned by her parents every day of her life. But it still hurt. It really, really hurt.

“Dawn? You okay?” Adrienne was beside me, speaking softly so as not to disturb Ben and Paige. I shuddered and hunched over, my shoulders tightening. And then trying not to cry, I turned away from the bedroom.

Behind me, Adrienne leaned in and quietly closed Ben’s bedroom door. Then without a word, she wrapped her arm around my waist and guided me back into her bedroom. Without consciously thinking about it, I somehow ended up in the exact spot where Paige had been sitting a few minutes earlier. Adrienne was in her same spot, holding my hand and patting my knee in much the same way she’d done for the redhead.

“Dawn, what’s wrong?”

I squeezed my eyes shut and shuddered again, hunching over and grimacing while fighting not to burst into tears. My mouth gaped open in a cry I didn’t want to let my body have. And through it all, Adrienne just kept stroking me soothingly.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d held it inside for DAYS, and I just couldn’t hold it inside any longer. The next time Adrienne asked, ‘Dawn, what’s wrong?’ I told her.

“I was going to ask Ben if he still loved me and wanted to give a relationship with me another chance.”

I’d never seen someone’s jaw drop that fast before. But to her credit, Adrienne recovered very quickly. She blinked rapidly and straightened her back, twice, before squeezing my hand and asking, “Okay. Uh, was this something you just recently decided?”

I nodded. Thankfully, Adrienne didn’t look at me like I was crazy or something. If anything, she just seemed concerned and even a little touched. She quickly pulled me into a hug, squeezing her arms around me fiercely and saying, “Oh, FINALLY!”

I blinked in surprise. “’Finally’?”

Adrienne giggled and pulled back. She breathed a sigh of relief and then smiled at me. “I didn’t know you at all before we met at camp, but over these last two years I’ve seen just how special you are to Ben. I’m not a hopeless romantic or anything, but I know you two belong together. And for a long time I thought I’d fucked things up by getting between you two before you could even get to school together. If it wasn’t for me, you’d have hooked up with Ben again at that first summer camp instead of going back to Ryan. And I beat myself up over the thought that I’d somehow ruined not only your chance to be with him, but ruined Ben’s chance to be with his soulmate forever.”

I blinked again in surprise. “Really?”

Adrienne nodded. “I needed him then; I won’t deny it. I was a broken girl without any real hopes for my future, just living life day-to-day and hopping from one fleeting pleasure to the next. Ben was my anchor, my rock; and without him and his family I don’t know how I would have ended up. I didn’t know you at the time and so it never really bothered me that I was keeping him away from you. But in retrospect, I’ve felt bad for getting in your way.”

I looked at Adrienne sympathetically and rubbed her arm. “That’s okay. I never really resented you,” I assured her. “I only ever wanted him to be happy. You did that for him.”

She snickered. “Only because YOU were around. If he wasn’t able to spend all day with you, talking with you, sharing with you, he would have driven ME absolutely nuts well before we broke up.” Adrienne sighed. “I’m happy for you, Dawn.”

I sighed and frowned. “Don’t be happy for me yet. It’s not like I have him back yet.”

“Oh, right,” Adrienne winced. “Cadence.”

I shook my head. “He broke up with her today.”

“He did?” Adrienne’s eyebrows shot up. “When did he tell you that?”

I shook my head again. “He didn’t.”

“Then how do you know?”

I pointed at my head. “I just know. Or, she broke up with him. Either way, Cadence is out of the picture.”

Adrienne blinked at me, looking like she wanted to ask more about how I could know. But then she just shrugged, as if she knew better than to doubt my connection with Ben. “See ... you two are special,” she just sighed. And then she winced and looked over to the wall in the direction of Ben’s bedroom. “Oh, Dawn. I’m so sorry...”

“What?”

Adrienne waved. “Paige...”

I sighed. “I know. Timing, huh?”

“You’ll tell him tomorrow.” Adrienne squeezed my hand. “And no matter what happens, know that I’m on your side.”

For some reason, Adrienne’s declaration made a mountain load of tension slough off my shoulders. I visibly sagged, feeling my neck muscles relaxing as a goofy smile spread across my face.

“What?” Adrienne asked curiously.

I just shook my head and grinned. “It’s just ... I’ve been all pent-up inside, waiting to see Ben again after the break, ready to pour my heart out to him. I haven’t told ANYBODY that I want him back, not even my own sisters. You’re the first to know. And after spending days all tensed up, for you to tell me that you’re on my side ... it’s just...” I couldn’t finish my sentence since I was choking up and tears were forming in my eyes.

Adrienne just smiled at me and held my head, thumbing away the moisture from my eyes. “I’m on your side. If Cadence did the breaking up, Ben might be a little ... off ... for a few days. Plus, he can be kinda dense sometimes. So if he needs a swift kick in the ass to recognize how big a decision this is for you, know that I’m here to help you, okay?”

Still with moisture clouding my vision, I smiled and nodded. Adrienne held my head and leaned in to kiss my forehead. And then she pulled me to her for a hug while I wrapped my arms around her, enjoying the simple comfort. More and more tension flowed out of my body and out of my limbs as I sagged against her, the stress replaced by a sense of relief as Adrienne continued to hug me against her.

“And this won’t be easy, dealing with Ryan, when you and Ben get back together,” Adrienne sighed, patting my back. “Just let me know if there’s anything I can do to help, or if you need someone to talk to. I know I’m not around much, but I AM on your side, Dawn. I want to see you and Ben together and happy almost as much as you do.”

I cracked a smile at that, pushing my face deeper against Adrienne’s shoulder and into her neck, inhaling her sweet scent while hugging her firmly. It occurred to me then that I hadn’t felt this intimate an embrace with anyone but Ryan in a long, long time. Yeah, I’d hugged Ben quite fiercely on more than one occasion, even kissed him. I’d hugged other friends and my own sisters in the past couple of years. I’d even had sex with a few other people, at Dayna’s Blindfold Party and then the Swingers Party. But no one save Ryan had ever just ... held me ... like Adrienne was doing. Maybe someone had at some point, but I couldn’t remember it. And right now it felt sooo gooood.

Without thinking about it, I twisted my head and kissed Adrienne’s neck in thanks. She shivered slightly at the touch of my lips, and tilted her head away to expose even more of her neck in invitation.

I didn’t think about it the second time, either, kissing Adrienne’s neck a little more firmly and getting rewarded with another strong shiver, plus a breathy little moan.

Only then did I start thinking about what I was doing. I had been faithful to my boyfriend since coming to Berkeley. Yeah, I had sex with other girls that first semester, just Adrienne, Dayna, and Brandi; but ever since returning to school the second semester of Freshman year, Ryan and I had agreed for things just to be the two of us. Only him. Only me. Monogamous and happy about it. Except for the one Swingers Party, we’d both kept our word.

But this was different. Adrienne was family, as much as Brooke or Brandi were my family; she didn’t count. Adrienne was also a girl. It wouldn’t be like I was letting some other man inside me.

And besides, if Ben took me back, I would be breaking up with Ryan anyways. Adrienne was right; it wouldn’t be easy. But he had to know that I wasn’t ready to give him my future. And knowing that Adrienne would be supporting me through this made me appreciate her even more.

Her eyes went up in some surprise when I pulled her face around to mine. But she didn’t resist me as I pressed my lips to hers, tasting her sweet flavor as my tongue delved into her mouth. She let me press her back until she was lying down with me on top of her, our kiss deepening in passion and energy as our hands began to roam across each other’s bodies. I needed this. After spending days all tensed up, both emotionally and physically, I was craving this sort of pleasurable release. Ryan couldn’t be the man to do it for me anymore. Ben wasn’t ready yet. Adrienne, the girl who had declared her support, was the one for me.

I’m not exactly sure how our clothes came off. I remembered her hands snaking beneath the back of my blouse to stroke the naked skin of my back. But it seemed that when I blinked again, my upper body was completely bare as Adrienne wrapped her lips around my swollen nipples and nursed on me like a starving baby.

The next time I really came up for air, I found that we were both naked, our legs interlaced to press our pussies together. Adrienne undulated her hips to grind her crotch against me while our tits rubbed together and our tongues slid wetly in and out of each other’s mouth.

Our first climaxes came that way, our bodies entwined with pussy against pussy, tit against tit. Adrienne looked so stunningly gorgeous as she arched her head away from me, gasping in obvious pleasure. I couldn’t help but lean in to kiss her neck again, causing her to shudder and clutch me tighter as she wailed, “Ohhh-ggaaaahhh...”

I wrapped my arms around her body to press her even tighter against my crotch while I kissed my way down her neck. Her arms cinched around me as well, holding me close while she grabbed onto my ass and tugged my pelvic bone against her clit. I was pretty close myself, and when Adrienne surprised me by sliding a wet finger into my ass, I jerked and climaxed myself.

“Nnnghhaah!” I gasped as the lightning bolt of pleasure shot through me. One thing I hadn’t felt in a long time was any anal play. Ryan was very skittish about anything involving asses. He liked to see my ass and he’d kiss my cheeks; but he wouldn’t go anywhere near my anus with finger, mouth, or dick. And he didn’t want me going near his, either. I didn’t necessarily mind — to each their own — but the point is that I hadn’t felt that particular sensation in well over a year. And as Adrienne’s finger wriggled in my colon, I kept bucking and screaming my pretty little head off.

When my orgasm passed, I couldn’t decide if I wanted Ben and Paige to have already fallen asleep so they couldn’t hear us, or for them to still be awake and for Ben to jealously picture me and Adrienne dyking it out, making him wish he could be in here with us instead of with Paige. Either way, Adrienne and I were only getting started, and I for one intended to get the most out of this re-entry into lesbian sex. If nothing else, once Ben and I got back together, I hoped the three of us would find frequent opportunities to hop into bed together. And in the meantime, Adrienne and I could practice our routine for between rounds while Ben had to recharge.

I kissed my way down Adrienne’s neck and into her abundant cleavage. I was simply fascinated by how a pair of tits could be so naturally big and yet so firm and supple. I buried my face between the globes, playfully motorboating before moving to kiss each erect nipple. And then I started kissing my way lower across her belly.

“You know, I haven’t tasted another pussy in over a year,” I mused aloud.

“Really?” Adrienne grinned and spread her legs to the side, opening herself up and reaching down with one hand to split apart her own pink labia. “Well then,” she said theatrically. “I think you should spend some extra time down there, just to re-familiarize yourself.”

I giggled. “Good idea.” And then I dove in, tongue-first.

It was 10pm when I realized I needed to call Ryan. I had left him at our apartment, telling him I was going to meet Ben and Brandi when they came home and that we were also expecting Paige to come back with her parents’ reaction to her pregnancy.

Having not wanted my cell phone to make too much noise while Paige was pouring her guts out to us, I’d switched it to vibrate. Things were taking a little longer than I’d expected, and Ryan had called one time after Ben arrived to hear Paige re-tell her story. I’d sent him a text message just saying that we were still talking to Paige and things were not looking good, mostly just to stall him. And then he’d called one more time while Adrienne and I were getting busy with each other, although I hadn’t even heard the phone vibrating.

I was surprised he hadn’t just come over to the house at some point. Maybe a breakup would have been easier if he’d caught me having sex with Adrienne. But Ryan had stayed home, ever loyal and ever trusting of me. It made me feel even more guilty knowing what I was about to do to him. There simply is no such thing as an easy break up.

Now while I knew I had to call him, I had no idea what I was going to say. In all my scenario-planning, one way or another I would have already told Ben how I felt. Ben would either tell me he wanted me back, in which case I would need to break up with Ryan; or, Ben would tell me he wanted to stay best friends, in which case nothing changed, and I would need to evaluate on my own what to do about Ryan.

It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t have had a chance to talk to Ben before talking to Ryan again. But that was the situation I was in now. Still naked and in Adrienne’s bed, I held the phone in my hands and looked up at her while she brushed my bangs back from my forehead and gently ran her fingers through my hair. “What do I do?” I asked her. “I love Ben and I think we’re ready to get back together, but if he doesn’t feel the same way, I don’t want to lose Ryan as well.”

Adrienne sighed. “I think you need to tell Ryan how you feel about Ben either way.”

“But then he’ll break up with me.”

Adrienne nodded. “I still think you belong with Ben, and Ben will see that, too. He’s been waiting for you ever since I dumped him and you wouldn’t take him back.”

“Ben hasn’t exactly been ‘waiting’.” I rolled my eyes. “And he seems really comfortable with our relationship as best friends. And if that’s all he wants to be, then maybe staying with Ryan is the best thing for me. He’s been my boyfriend for years. Ryan loves me, and I love him, too.”

“Yet you’re willing to break up with him for Ben.”

“But I don’t even HAVE Ben yet.”

“So what? You’re afraid to let go of your current relationship until you’re sure you’ve got the next one?”

“Wouldn’t you be?”

Adrienne sighed. “I’m on your side either way, Dawn. But I think you’ve got to make your own choice, independent of what Ben wants to do. If you want Ben, then break up with Ryan, period. It’s not fair to keep stringing Ryan along. And if you’re not ready to do that, then don’t do this at all.”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “But I’m not sure what I want yet. That’s why I need to talk to my best friend about it.”

Adrienne shook her head. “Talking to your best friend only works when said best friend is NOT one of the guys you’re trying to decide between.”

I was trying to come up with a rational defense for that when the cell phone in my hand started buzzing. A quick check of the display confirmed my suspicions: Ryan.

“I’m not ready for this yet,” I whimpered. “It’s all happening a little too fast.” I squeezed my eyes shut and wished everything would go away. After days of agonizing by myself over whether I could be happy in the long run with Ryan or if I belonged with Ben, NOW I felt rushed. Do I tell Ryan I’m not sure about our relationship and that I still have these feelings for Ben? Or do I bury those thoughts until AFTER I’d talked with Ben and figured out where I stood with him first? “Ohmigod,” I started hyperventilating. “Ohmigod.”

Like a ticking time bomb, the phone kept vibrating in my hands. If I didn’t answer it this late in the evening, I had no doubt Ryan would walk over here and make a decision for me.

But right before the phone went to voicemail, Adrienne snatched it out of my hands and hit the TALK button. “Ryan? Hey, it’s Adrienne.”

I blinked rapidly, looking up at the beautiful blonde. The sheet had fallen away from her body as she’d grabbed for my phone, her big, bouncing tits jiggling naked in the air right in front of me as she focused on the phone call. What was she doing?

“Yeah, yeah. Dawn’s fine. She’s right here with me, actually. But it’s been a pretty intense night and she fell asleep. I don’t want to wake her. Is it okay if she just crashes with me tonight?”

Adrienne glanced down at me with a hopeful expression on her face. My eyes went wide in surprise that she was doing this for me.

“Yeah, well, long story short, Paige’s parents disowned her ... Yeah, I said ‘disowned’. Kicked her out of the house, canceled her credit cards. Told her to never come back ... Yeah, I’m dead serious...”

Adrienne nodded, even though Ryan couldn’t see her. “Yeah, she and Ben did a lot of work trying to calm Paige down. Paige is actually in Ben’s room with him. I think they went to sleep, too. Everyone’s pretty exhausted.”

I sighed. Telling Ryan that Paige and Ben were in Ben’s bedroom together would go a long way to keeping Ryan calm, instead of panicking that I might be in the room with Ben.

“So yeah, Dawn fell asleep in my bed while we were talking. But I’ll make sure she calls you in the morning. Okay? ... Right ... Sure thing ... Bye, Ryan.” Adrienne hit the END button on my phone and then turned it to me, showing me the display to confirm the call had ended. Then she handed it back and let me set it on the nightstand next to my purse.

“Thank you,” I told Adrienne softly.

She bent over and pecked my forehead, bringing those big tits tantalizing close to my face. “I told you,” she said warmly. “I’m on your side. And now we at least have one more night to think about this.”

“Maybe,” I said, bringing my hands up to cup her firm mounds and once again pulling a teat toward my lips. “But my head hurts and I don’t want to think anymore. Can we just do this one more time and then go to sleep, for real?”

Adrienne smiled and held her own boob, guiding the nipple to my lips. “Sure thing. I think I owe you a couple of orgasms anyways.”

I suckled the perky nipple into my mouth, and then smiled up at the beautiful golden blonde. “Sounds good.”

I made my decision when I woke up the next morning. Adrienne’s naked body was spooned behind me, pressing those glorious tits into my back. Her arms wrapped around me, one hand cupping my left boob and her other hand on my hip as she breathed softly.

I felt peaceful. I felt warm. I felt happy.

I’d missed these feelings; and I realized that I couldn’t live the rest of my life without them. I loved my boyfriend, but it was a thrill to wake up in the arms of someone else who cared about me. If I married Ryan, I would only ever be with him. I wouldn’t be able to wake up in Adrienne’s arms without some more convoluted explanations like last night. But I knew Ben would let me do so whenever I wanted.

I loved my boyfriend, but I missed spending “special” quality time with my sisters. I hadn’t had sex with Dayna or DJ since Winter Break of my Freshman year. It wasn’t that Ryan had forbidden me from doing so; he didn’t even KNOW I’d been having an incestuous relationship with them. But with few exceptions, he’d been very firm about the “only you and only me” aspect of our sexuality, and I’d restrained that part of myself for his benefit. I didn’t want to restrain myself anymore. I knew I wouldn’t have to restrain myself with Ben. I could just be me.

And it was more than just sex. I’d felt disconnected from “The Family” for most of this year. Dayna had already commented about how she hadn’t seen much of me all year, and she was right. She, Brandi, Adrienne, and Ben had been my roommates for the first year. But ever since getting serious with Ryan and moving out, I hadn’t really talked or spent significant time with any of them except Ben. I missed my sisters, even the ones not related to me by blood. Dayna and I used to tell each other everything, but I barely knew a thing about this developing serious relationship she had with Kevin. And I hadn’t really been there to support Brandi in her breakup with Matt.

So I knew what I had to do. I would break up with Ryan, and tell him I was too young to settle down and think of kids and careers and school districts and all that. But more to the point, I had to tell him that I just couldn’t see myself with him for the rest of my life. He was sweet. And he clearly adored me. It would hurt him like hell, but to hide the truth from him wouldn’t be fair to either of us.

Because I loved my Ben.

And he was free now: no more Cadence, just a single guy who was probably hurting a bit from his recent breakup. He hadn’t been together with Cadence for long, but he had put a lot of hopes into her, hopes he’d shared with me. I would be there for him as a best friend; but more than that, I would be there for him as the girl who loved him more than anyone else in the world.

Twisting around, I kissed Adrienne on the lips in a happy “good morning” and then slid out of bed. I knew I probably looked a mess, with neither fresh change of clothes nor makeup kit around. Not that Ben would care. He’d seen me grimy and dirty; and of course he’d seen me the morning after a few times himself.

Feeling frisky, I decided to skip the bra and simply pulled the blouse over my head. And after a look at Adrienne, I borrowed a pair of her cotton shorts to put over my panties. She was a bit hippier than me, but I tightened the drawstring while letting the shorts ride a little lower down at the same time. So what if the very top of my asscrack might be visible?

And then after one last check in the mirror, a gorgeous vanity that Ben himself had built for Adrienne, I twirled out the door. Adrienne, dressed herself, was just behind me.

The others were already up and about. Actually, Dayna and Kevin were up, but not exactly about. They were still in the bedroom and from the sounds of things, engaging in a bout of morning sex. I listened to the grunts and groans of my sister and her boyfriend floating down from upstairs, just noticeable if you listened for them, and happily skipped into the main room.

Brandi was in the kitchen, her back to me. But I barely noticed her. That’s because my eyes were riveted to the dining table, where Ben was seated at the dining table by himself, hovering over bowl of cereal and toast.

My heart did little somersaults as a rush of pure delight fell over me. Finally, I would get a chance to tell Ben the way I felt. He would tell me he felt the same way and we would fall madly in love and the universe would be right again. I grinned happily as I stepped into the room and said brightly, “Good morning, Ben.”

“Dawn!” he exclaimed in delighted surprise. His eyes yo-yoed down my body, less checking me out despite my lack of a bra, and more because he seemed to recognize that I was wearing the same blouse from yesterday. “Still here?”

I nodded. “Spent the night with Adrienne.” There was a sexy tease in my voice.

Ben’s eyebrow arched and he glanced appraisingly at the gorgeous blonde a few feet behind me. He knew what I meant, and a low chuckle began in his throat. “Wish I was there.”

“Wish you were too,” I sighed seriously.

His eyebrow arched again along with a bemused smile. He was trying to decide if I was just teasing him or not.

“Anyways,” I started, trying to move along to my subject, glancing at Adrienne for moral support. She gave me a warm grin and I turned back to Ben. “I wanted to tell you something. Got kind of lost in the shuffle with everything that happened last night.”

He nodded and put down his spoon. “Sure.”

I took a deep breath. “Ben, we’ve been frien—”

“Hey, loverboy!” Paige cut me off as she twirled in from the kitchen, a bowl of cereal in her hands which she quickly put down on the dining table. She was wearing one of Ben’s button-down dress shirts, and seemingly nothing else, though the shirt was long enough on her petite frame to cover anything up. And without another word, she vaulted into Ben’s lap and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down to kiss her and doing her level best to inhale his tongue down her throat.

Ben groaned into the kiss, happily embracing the little redhead as she sat sideways on his lap. His left hand wrapped around her back to cup her breast from the opposite side. His right hand lovingly rubbed her pregnant belly. And all the while she gyrated her ass over his crotch.

My eyes narrowed. My pulse raced. And all I could think of was a single thought:

GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT!