Crashed

CHAPTER 32

I feel like I’m in a parade as Colton pushes my wheelchair toward the hospital’s exit. I don’t need the wheelchair but my nurse says it’s hospital policy. My mom is chatting quietly with Haddie and my dad is listening with a half smile on his face because even he isn’t immune to Haddie’s charm. Becks is pulling the Range Rover up front for Colton while Sammy stands at the entrance to the hospital, wary of any press who luckily have not caught wind of the story. Yet.

Colton is quiet as he pushes me, but then again he has been for the better part of the last two days. If it were anyone else I’d chalk his withdrawal up to the unexpected meeting with my parents. I mean, meeting your significant other’s parents is a huge step in any relationship, let alone someone like Colton who has a nonexistent history with this kind of thing. Add to that meeting your girlfriend’s parents after she miscarried a baby she never knew existed.

But not Colton—no—it’s something different. And as much as I love my parents for rushing up here, Haddie and her nonstop humor, Becks with his unexpected wit, and every other person who has stopped by to wish me well, all I want is to be alone with Colton. When it’s just the two of us he won’t be able to hide from me and ignore whatever is on his mind. The silence is slowly smothering us, and I need us to be able to breathe. I need us to be able to yell and scream and cry and be angry—get it all out—without the eyes of our families watching to make sure we don’t crack.

Because we need to crack. We need to break. Only then can we pick up each other’s pieces and make each other whole again.

I glance behind me and steal a quick glance at Colton and his sedate expression. I can’t help but wonder what if Zander’s dad hadn’t happened? What if I was still pregnant? Where would we be then?

Don’t focus on that, I tell myself, even though it’s all I can think of—me being pregnant. It feels like such a real possibility, tangible even, that it’s constantly flickering through my mind. Colton stops the wheelchair as we exit the doors of the hospital and walks around the front of me. His eyes meet mine, a softness to the intensity that I’ve noticed there over the past few days. A smile creeps over his lips. Could I ever walk away from this man because I want a child and he doesn’t? Would I be willing to leave the one man I know I can’t live without for the one thing I once thought I’d do anything to have?

No. The answer is that simple. This man—damaged, beautiful, work-in-progress man—is just too much of everything I need to ever walk away from.

Colton leans in, pressing a soft kiss to my lips as guilt flickers through me for even thinking such thoughts. “You doing okay?”

I reach up and place my hand softly on the side of his cheek and smile with a subtle nod of my head. “Yeah, you?”

The grin lights up his face because he knows I’m referring to the looks we’ve both seen my dad giving him as he figures out if this man is good enough for his little girl. “Nothing I can’t handle,” he says with a wink and a shake of his head as he stands up, eyes still locked on mine, smile still warming my heart. “Do you doubt my abilities?”

“No, that’s one thing I most definitely do not.” I laugh and stop when he tilts his head to the side and stares at me. “What?”

“It’s just good to see you smile,” he says softly before his eyes cloud and he averts his attention to something over my shoulder. When he looks back his eyes are clear and his expression is gentler. “You ready to blow this joint?”

Colton holds one elbow and my mom the other, as I stand, both remaining there to make sure I’m stable, which is unnecessary. “I’m fine, really,” I tell them.

My mom wraps her arms around me and holds me against her a little longer than normal. “If you want us to we can stay in town an extra day. Make sure you’re nice and comfy before we head back home.”

“She’s not going home.” I swear, everyone’s heads whip over to look at Colton, including mine. Despite all eyes on him, his are only on me. “You’re staying with me. No questions.”

And with that decree, Colton walks around a smirking Beckett, a satisfied Haddie, and my stunned parents. He closes the back of the Rover and walks over to my parents. “You’re more than welcome to come and stay at my place. I have plenty of room.” He raises his eyebrows at them, welcoming any argument that might come.

“No. That’s fine,” my dad says, reaching out to take the hand Colton has extended. “I’m trusting that you’ll take good care of her.”

And it’s as simple as that. The unspoken bond from father to the man his daughter loves passes between the two of them. Man to man. Protector to protector. Colton holds my father’s hand firm and nods his head in acceptance of the trust just bestowed to him. Colton is now responsible—in man-speak—for me. They hold each other’s eyes and hands a moment longer. Emotions lodge in my throat as I slide my eyes over to my mom who is watching the exchange, a tear in her eye as well.

We both watch them for a moment before my mom helps me get in the car. She straps the belt across my lap and then looks at me, holding my cheeks in both of her hands. “You told me once that you weren’t sure what was between you and Colton.” She moves an errant curl from my ponytail off of my face. “The man is head over heels in love with you, honey.” She smiles softly and nods her head when I automatically start to speak and downplay it. “I’m your mom, it’s obvious to me, Ry. Men never see it, accept it, want it, until they trip and fall face first into it. You’re lucky to get the chance twice in your life, to have a man willing to trip on purpose, to take that bottomless step. Even when he messes this up—” She holds her hand up when I start to defend him and just rolls her eyes before continuing. “Let’s face it, he’s a man, he’s going to mess this up … have some patience because he loves you just as much as you love him. The words he can’t speak are written all over that handsome face of his.”

I just nod, my bottom lip worrying between my teeth to prevent the endless stream of tears from starting again. “I know.” My voice is so quiet, happiness and sadness overwhelm me.

She reaches down and squeezes my hands where they’re clasped in my lap. “If a baby’s meant to be, Ry, it will happen. I know it doesn’t make you feel better to hear me say it, but in the middle of the night when you’re sad, you’ll be able to hear my voice telling you. Remember, life isn’t about how you survive the storm, but rather how you dance in the rain.” She leans in and presses a kiss to my cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mom,” I reach out and wrap my arms around her, her words of wisdom dancing in my head. “Thank you.”

Goodbyes are said quickly with everyone else since the car is in the loading zone. Beckett is last to say goodbye. He reaches into the car and gives me a quick hug while Colton talks to Sammy about something outside of the car. He starts to close the car door and then stops a moment and looks at me with a shake of his head. “That lifeline thing goes both ways, you know? Use it. Use him. He won’t break if you do … but you just might if you don’t.”

“Thanks, Becks. You’re a really good friend to him.”

“Asshole’s more like it!” Colton says, sliding into the seat beside me. “He’d be an even better friend if he got his hand off of my girl and let me take her the fuck home.”

“Speaking of our mild-mannered friend,” Becks says with a laugh, squeezing my hand. “I love you too, Wood!”

“Ditto, dude!” Colton laughs as he pushes the button on the dash and the engine roars to life.

“Keep him in line,” Becks says with a wink to me and a shake of his head before he shuts the door.

We pull out of the parking lot, both of us falling into a comfortable silence as we drive. I’m anxious to get home, sleep in my own bed with Colton’s reassuring warmth against me. I close my eyes and lean my head back, my mind racing over every chaotic event that’s happened in the last few weeks. I sigh into the silence and Colton switches the radio on before reaching over to hold my hand.

Sarah Bareillis’ voice floats through the air, and I can’t help but hum softly and smile at the poignancy of the lyrics. I know Colton hears the words too because he squeezes my hand, and when I open my eyes to look over at him, I’m startled by the sight in front of me.

“Colton, what…?”

“I know you’re still sore, but I wanted to bring you somewhere that made you happy.”

“You make me happy,” I say, locking eyes with him to reinforce my words before looking out at the stretch of beach beyond us.

“I’m prepared this time around.” He smiles shyly at me. “I have blankets, jackets, and some food if you’d like to go sit a while in the sun with me.”

Tears well in my eyes again and I start laughing. “Yes. I’m sorry,” I say in reference to the tears I’m wiping away. “I’m an emotional mess. Pregnancy hormones and …” My voice fades, realizing I’ve touched on the taboo topic we’ve yet to discuss. The uncomfortable silence settles between us. Colton grips the steering wheel tight and blows out a loud breath before climbing out of the car without another word.

He opens the back door, and collects some things, and then helps me out of the Rover. “Easy,” he says as I slide gingerly off of the seat.

“I’m okay.”

We link hands and walk a ways down the beach in silence. There are people here today, unlike the last time we were here months ago—our first official date. The fact that he thought to bring me to a place I find solace in makes my heart happy.

“This okay?” he asks as he lets go of my hand and lays a blanket out onto the sand. He sets a brown paper bag down and then puts his hands on my hips as I start to sit down.

“I’m not going to break,” I say softly to him even though I love the feeling of his hands on me—strength, comfort, and security—all three things given with their simple placement.

He sits down behind me, frames my legs with his, and pulls me back against his chest, leaving his arms wrapped tight around me. He lowers his mouth and chin to the curve of my neck and sighs. “I know you’re not going to break, Ry, but you came damn close. I know you’re strong and independent and used to doing things all by yourself, but please just let me take care of you right now, okay? I need … I need you to let me do this.” He ends his words with a kiss pressed to my skin but never moves his mouth, he just keeps it there so I can feel the warmth of his breath and the chafe of his stubble.

“Okay,” I murmur, a deep sigh on my lips and a twinge in my abdomen reminding me that we need to talk. I tilt my chin toward the sun and close my eyes, welcoming the warmth because I still feel the cold inside of me.

“Just say it,” he tells me, exasperation lacing his voice. “I can feel you tensing up, pretending your mind isn’t going a million miles a minute with whatever it is you want to ask me. You’re not going to relax like you need to until you say it.” He chuckles, his chest vibrating against my back, but I can sense he’s not too thrilled.

I close my eyes a moment, not wanting to ruin the peace between us but at the same time needing to address the underlying tension. “We need to talk about … the baby …” I finally manage and am proud of myself that my voice didn’t waver like it has over the past few days every time I try to bring this up. “You’re not talking to me and I don’t know what you’re thinking … what you’re feeling? And I need to know …”

“Why?” The single word snaps out, a knee jerk reaction I’m sure since I can’t see his face, but can feel his body tense up. “Why does it matter?” he finally asks again with a little more control in his voice.

Because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship, I want to tell him but exhale softly instead. “Colton, something major happened to us … to me at least—”

“To us,” he corrects, and his comment throws me for a moment. It’s the first time he’s really acknowledged the baby we lost. Something we created together that linked us together indefinitely.

“… to us. But I don’t know how you feel. I know my world has been rocked and I’m reeling with everything. I just … You’re here and going through this with me, but at the same time I feel like you’re closing yourself off, not talking to me.” I sigh, knowing I’m rambling but not sure how to break through to him. I give it one last try. “You tell me you need me to let you take care of me. I understand that. Can you understand that I need you to talk to me? That you can’t shut me out right now? The last thing I need to be right now is worried about where we stand.”

I force myself to stop rambling because I can hear the desperation in my voice, and he still hasn’t responded, so now we’re surrounded by an awkward silence. Colton starts to pull away from me, and I immediately prepare myself for the emptiness of him distancing himself when I need him the most. Then I feel his nose nuzzle into the back of my hair and just breathe me in. I close my eyes as chills dance over my skin because I know he’s not going to push me away, but rather is taking his Colton way of taking a minute to gather his thoughts.

“Rylee…” he sighs my name in that way that makes me hold my breath because there’s so much emotion packed in it. He rests his forehead against the back of my head as his hands squeeze my arms. “I can’t talk about it. I just can’t.” And the way he says it tells me that he’s referring to the baby. “I can only deal with one thing at a fucking time, and right now I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I almost lost you.”

He rocks his forehead back and forth against my head. “I’m not used to feeling, Ry. I’m used to being numb … running the first time shit gets too real. And you, us, this …” He sighs “… it’s as fucking real as real can get. I feel like I’ve been sucker punched by what happened when I was just getting used to the new fucking normal. I’m shaken up. I don’t know which goddamn way is up, but I’m dealing with it the best way I know how right now. And that means dealing with getting the image of you looking like a lifeless Raggedy Ann doll out of my head.”

His words reach into the depths of my soul and give me back the tiny pieces of hope I lost with the miscarriage and the fears that ate at me from his silence. So he doesn’t want to—can’t—deal with the baby, at least he’s told me. And as much as I want and need to speak to him about it, reassure him that he’s what I need and everything else can be figured out later, I keep quiet and let him deal with what happened to me.

I shift between his legs so I’m sitting sideways in his lap, my legs resting over the top of one of his. I need to see his face, need to show him I’m okay. I look into his eyes brimming with confusion and reach a hand up to rest on his cheek with a soft smile on my lips. “I’m okay, Colton. You saved me.” I lean in and brush a tender kiss on his lips that I can’t seem to ever get enough of. “Thank you for saving me.”

“I think I should thank you.” He subtly shakes his head. “You’re the one who’s saving me.”

His words rob all thoughts from my head except for the words I can’t tell him. I love you. I love you more than you’ll ever know or I’ll ever be able to express. Doesn’t he realize the only way I could possibly save him was because he finally let me in? When is he going to accept that he is worth saving? Our eyes are locked onto one another’s as unspoken words are exchanged. I’m surprised by the tears pooling in the corners of his eyes and the shuddered inhale of his breath.

“We’re fine, Ry. I just need a minor pit stop to work through all the crap in my head I’m not used to, okay? I’m not asking for space or time apart, just a little patience as I try to figure it all out.”

I nod my head, bottom lip between my teeth because I can’t speak—physically can’t speak—because he’s just rendered me speechless. He gets my biggest fear and wants to assuage it before my mind can over-think and over-analyze everything, as I typically do.

We sit for a bit, the silence settling around us into an easy comfort. “You hungry?” he asks after a while. I just shrug, enjoying my head nuzzled under his chin and his arms wrapped around me. “The first time we came here, you threw me for a loop.”

“Why?” My voice is sleepy and content. There is nowhere else I’d rather be right now.

I can feel his shoulders shrug against me. “I don’t know. I was expecting you to get pissed that I brought you to a beach and fed you salami and cheese and wine out of Dixie cups.” He chuckles. “Little did I know you were going to rock my fucking world.”

Warmth floods through me. Images flicker through my mind of sitting here months ago with this achingly handsome man, wondering what in the hell he saw in me. And I get it now. He saw the pieces of me that could make a whole. Accepted the jagged edges that needed to be healed, because he too had the same thing. And here we sit again, in parts and pieces, needing to be put back together. But this time we have each other to lean on, to look to for help.

“God you were cocky as hell but I just couldn’t resist you, Ace.”

“Oh, baby, I’ve still got all of the arrogance and definitely a whole lot of cock.”

I roll my eyes and giggle. “My God!” I can’t stop laughing as he presses a kiss to the top of my head. “The man has arrogance in spades.”

“Nope,” he says. “Just in aces.”

“Lame!” I say, enjoying the lighthearted banter between us and leaning back to look at his face. “Seriously? That’s all you can give me? You can’t come up with anything better than that?”

“Oh, Ry.” He smirks at me, a salacious look in his eyes, as he leans in and presses a quick kiss to my lips. “No worries about the coming or the getting it up part because you’d be hard pressed to find any man that can give a fucking better than I can.”

Before I can even respond, his lips are on mine, his hands winding around my back, and our hearts entwining in a way I never thought possible.

We’ve loved.

We’ve lost.

And now we’re just finding our footing again. Us again. And it’s never felt so good to lose myself in someone so I can find myself again.

“You sure you’re okay?”

I feel his weight on the bed as he sits down next to me, his cologne momentarily masking the antiseptic smell the cleaning crew left behind. “Mmm-hmm. I’m just tired,” I tell him as I roll on my side so I can look at him. “Thank you for this afternoon,” I say, thinking about our time on the beach. Our conversation, our food from the deli reminiscent of our first date, and of the silence between us that isn’t so lonely or pained any more. “Are you okay?” I ask the same question back to him.

He pets Baxter on the head and leans down to press a tender kiss to my lips, and it’s not lost on me that he never answers the question. “I’m gonna go do some work for a bit,” he says as he rises from the bed. “You sure you’ll be okay?”

“I’m fine, Colton. I’m just going to go to sleep.” I squeeze his hand as he turns to walk out of the bedroom. “Hey, do you know where my phone is so I can let Haddie know I’m all right?”

He walks over to the dresser and brings it to me, pressing another kiss to my forehead and then my nose before walking out of the room. I watch him leave knowing the sight of him will never get old. I will never take it for granted since it has taken so much work for us to get to this point.

I power on my phone, surprised it has any battery left since it’s been here since the night everything happened. It turns on and I shake my head at the endless texts of well-wishes. I read a few about the ground breaking ceremony we have coming up to commemorate the new project beginning. And then my last text completely throws me.

Knocks the wind out of me, and steals my heart.

It’s from Colton and I don’t think words from him have ever been so honest or the depths of his despair so raw.

I’m lost here. You’re somewhere in this damn hospital and I need to talk to you. Fucking touch you. Something to you because I’m scared as fuck … so I’m going to tell you the way I know you’ll hear me. Broken by Lifehouse.

And the tears come now. They fall freely down my face and I don’t try to stop them or hide them because no one is here to see them now. And because they are tears of joy.

He loves me.