Craving Candy

Chapter Sixteen

The next few days were the hardest that she’d ever been through in her entire life. For the first time ever, she couldn’t lose herself in her work. It no longer interested her. She did manage to lay the groundwork for several upcoming projects, but avoided anything that had to do with Lucas. In fairness to the cookbook, she did schedule Katie for several interviews, playing up the local artist angle.

Physically, she ached for several days from the unusual sexual activity. Each twinge was a reminder of the mind-blowing sexual experience she’d shared with Lucas. Every night, she soaked in a tub of hot water, trying to rid herself of each muscle ache and the memory that went with it. Eventually the physical discomfort disappeared, but she feared that the memories never would.

Candy knew that she looked a wreck. She wasn’t sleeping and food didn’t interest her at all. Mostly, she concentrated on just getting through each day with the hope that tomorrow would be easier. She jumped every time the phone rang, her heart pounding hopefully in her chest. But Lucas never called her.

For the first time since she received the phone call from Barbara Bates, she was seriously considering interviewing for the job in New York City. Maybe she really did need to admit that whatever relationship she had been building with Lucas was over and it was time to move on.

She knew that Missy was worried about her, but Candy wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened with Lucas. She’d probably never be ready for that. She’d just told Missy that it was over between her and Lucas and thankfully her friend had let it go for now.

Today was day four, but it wasn’t getting any easier. Her experience with Lucas had changed her forever. There was no going back to the woman she’d been before she’d met him. That cold, unforgiving, work-driven woman had disappeared forever. In her place was a woman who understood what it was to love deeply and lose. A woman who understood that people weren’t perfect and that sometimes you wished you could change your past.

The phone rang and this time there was no surge of hope or expectation. At least she was making progress, she thought as she reached for her phone. “Candy Logan’s office.”

“Hi, Candy.”

Candy closed her eyes and placed a hand on her jittery stomach. This was something else she’d been avoiding, but the time had obviously come to deal with this as well. Taking a calming breath, she cleared her voice. “Hi, Justin.”

“I won’t keep you long.” He paused before continuing. “I know you’re busy at work, but I wondered if you’d given any more thought to meeting with me.”

The woman she’d been several weeks ago had refused him, but today… today everything was different. Today, she knew she had to see him, if only for one last time. “Where and when would you like to meet?”

She heard his swift intake of breath and knew she’d surprised him. “How about lunch today? I can be at the diner just down from your office in half an hour.”

Obviously he didn’t want to give her time to change her mind. She glanced at her watch and decided she could take an early lunch. “That sounds great. I’ll see you then.” She gently hung up the phone, feeling good about her decision. For better or worse, Justin was her brother and she owed it to him and to herself to talk to him. Turning back to her computer, she felt a new surge of energy. She had time to finish answering her emails before she had to go and meet her brother.

“Famous last words,” she muttered as she yanked the door of the diner open and hurried inside, leaving the cold, bitter wind and sleet behind her. She’d gotten so wrapped up in her work that she was ten minutes late. She only hoped that Justin hadn’t left yet.

The door closed behind her and she was enveloped in the homey warmth of the place. The smells of coffee and spices filled the air, making her stomach growl. She glanced around the room, suddenly unsure. She hadn’t seen Justin in years. Would she even recognize him?

A man rose slowly from a booth in the far corner. Tall and broad, his straight hair hung down to his shoulders, giving him the appearance of a shaggy lion. Her legs moved of their own volition, bringing her closer to him. His nose had a bump in the center and she wondered when he’d broken it. The crooked half-smile was endearingly familiar, as was the warmth in his chocolate brown eyes.

“Justin?” Her voice was little more than a whisper, but the stranger opened his arms to her and she walked straight into them. They closed tight around her, holding her almost desperately to him. She could hear the pounding of his heart through his soft T-shirt and suddenly he was a stranger no more. Candy couldn’t begin to count how many times he’d held her like this when they were children, and the lost years suddenly dissolved and ceased to matter.

She threw her arms around him, hugging him for all the years she’d been unable to do so. When he finally pulled away, it was she who didn’t want to let go and she gripped the front of his shirt tight in her fingers as if to keep him from disappearing again. His rough hands cupped her face as he studied her. “God, you’re beautiful, Candy.”

She could feel the blush stealing up her cheeks and ducked her head. “Thank you.” She forced herself to release the death grip she had on his shirt and step back. “You’re still as handsome as ever.” And he was, in a rough way. Not classically beautiful, but he’d certainly catch any woman’s eye.

Justin laughed and ushered her into her seat before sliding into the one across from her. “Thanks for seeing me. I know this wasn’t easy for you.”

“No, it wasn’t, but it should have been.” Taking her time, she unzipped her coat and slid it off, laying it across the back of her chair. She tucked her purse down by her side and straightened her suit jacket before facing him again. “You don’t need to tell me where you’ve been or what you’ve done. Just tell me what you plan to do.”

Justin studied her for a long moment. He opened his mouth to speak, but the waitress interrupted them. They hurriedly gave their orders for the soup and sandwich special as the waitress poured them each a cup of coffee. When she was gone, Justin picked up where he’d left off. “What happened, Candy? You seem different from the first time I talked to you.”

Candy fiddled with her napkin and sighed. “I am different. I was just angry with you when you first called. Then I did a lot of thinking and faced a lot of things about myself. And it wasn’t pretty.” She tried to smile as she met her brother’s worried gaze. “I guess you can say I finally grew up and stopped blaming everyone for not being perfect.”

Her brother reached across the table and caught her hand in his. “I don’t blame you for being angry. You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t hurt by what happened. You didn’t have an easy life and I didn’t make it any easier.” The sorrow in his eyes was replaced by admiration as he continued. “But you’ve grown into a heck of a woman. Mom told me a lot about your job and also about all you’ve done for her. You should be proud of yourself.”

His honest, straightforward praise helped undo the knot in her stomach and made her sit up a little straighter. “Thank you, Justin.” She gave his fingers a squeeze. “Now tell me about yourself. Whatever you want. You don’t have to tell me about your past unless you want to.”

Justin released her hand and took a sip of coffee. When he put the mug back on the table, he kept his large hands wrapped around it. “I was in prison, but it’s not exactly what you think.”

Her stomach clenched but she forced herself to relax. “Tell me.”

He seemed uncomfortable, his gaze always scanning the room as if he were looking for something. Watching. Whatever he’d done and wherever he’d been, his life obviously hadn’t been easy. For the first time, she felt no resentment toward her brother. Maybe because, for the first time, she wasn’t thinking only about how his actions affected her. For once, she was thinking about him.

“I ran with a wild crowd back then, but you know that.”

Candy nodded, silently encouraging him to continue.

“Let’s just say that I got caught one night in the wrong place at the wrong time. It wasn’t the cops that caught me, but another government agency. An agency without a name, that doesn’t really officially exist. I can’t tell you about it, so please don’t ask.” Justin shook his head and sighed. “They offered me a deal and I did what I had to do.”

Candy was stunned. This was not what she’d expected to hear. “But how could something like this happen to you? This is America.”

“I wasn’t here, Candy. I was down in South America at the time. It was either do what they wanted or spend the rest of my life rotting in a prison down there— that is, if they didn’t just execute me first.” There was so much pain in her brother’s eyes that she wanted to cry.

“But you were just a teenager.” She still couldn’t wrap her head around what he was telling her.

“I was old enough and stupid enough. I’ve got no one to blame but myself. The lure of easy money was too great, but you know what they say. ‘If it looks too good to be true, then it probably is.’ And that easy money cost me the next fifteen years of my life.”

“But what happened? It’s been so long.”

“I can’t really talk about it.” He gave a humorless laugh. “Let’s just say that I’ve retired.”

“That’s incredible.” Candy shook her head.

“Yeah, almost unbelievable. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t believe me, Candy. I lived it and I almost don’t believe it.”

She could see the pain etched in the corners of his eyes and in the tight way he grimaced. His eyes were ever watchful, scanning his surroundings, and she realized that he didn’t feel safe. He sat so still in his seat, not shifting or shuffling, but ever vigilant. The sleeves of his shirt had been pushed back and she could see the faint lines of scars on one of his arms. What other scars did his clothing hide? As bad as they might be, she thought that his emotional scars were probably worse.

Whatever else her brother might have been, he’d never been a liar. “I believe you.” Her simple acceptance brought tears to his eyes.

Justin closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, bringing his emotions quickly back under control. “Thank you.” His simple words belied the deep emotion behind them. “It was thoughts of you that saved me, that got me through the long, dark years. You were the best thing in my life and I cursed the day I ever left home and left you behind. But I never gave up hope and I fought for what I wanted. And after fifteen long years,” his voice trembled slightly, “I’m finally home.”

Now it was her turn to cry. His blunt, honest words moved her deeply. The awkwardness that she’d expected between them didn’t exist. This was the brother she remembered, the one she’d looked up to and loved. “Welcome home.”

The waitress bustled over to their table, deposited their lunch and hurried away again. The first tentative seeds had been sown, and deep down inside, Candy knew that she finally had her brother back in her life for good.

Sensing his unease with talking about his past, she sought to lighten the mood between them. “Do you have a wife or a girlfriend?” She was suddenly eager to know as much as possible about his life now.

“No, honey.” If it was possible, his eyes looked even sadder as he shook his head. “My work didn’t encourage close relationships.”

There was something in his words, in the hesitant way he spoke them that made her ask, “But there was someone, wasn’t there?”

Justin laid down his spoon and rubbed his hand across the back of his neck. “It was a long time ago, Candy. She died.”

“Oh, Justin. I’m so very sorry.” Although she wanted to know what had happened, she knew she would never ask him. If he wanted her to know, he would tell her.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “Me too.” He picked up his coffee and took a sip, his eyes scanning the room. “What about you?”

“Me?”

The corner of his mouth tilted up slightly. It wasn’t quite a smile, but it was close. “Yeah, you? Did you ever get married? Is there someone special in your life? I didn’t ask Mom about your love life.” He stopped and the glimmer of a smile was wiped off his face. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No,” she assured him. “I don’t mind. It’s no secret or anything. I never got married. Never really came close.” She thought about Gary’s revelation and knew that she’d gotten closer than she’d ever thought. “I was seeing someone, but, well…” she stumbled. “It didn’t work out.”

“I’m sorry, Candy. It’s his loss.” He reached over and took her hand.

She shook her head. “No, it was as much my fault as his. Probably even more of my fault. I didn’t trust him when he needed it. I hurt him badly.”

Justin wrapped his fingers tight around hers, giving her an encouraging squeeze. “Then don’t give up on him. Some things are worth fighting for.” He released her hand and resumed eating his soup. He had a few mouthfuls and paused. “Sometimes hope is all we have.”

His words reverberated in her head. He’d never given up hope and he’d faced long, hard years. T. S. had told her not to give up on Lucas. If she really loved him, she owed it to herself and to Lucas not to give up on them. If nothing else, they needed to talk. She’d needed to apologize to him for not wanting to listen to him at first. They’d both hurt the other one with their lack of trust and understanding. But Candy wasn’t willing to let go of what they had without fighting for it.

The rest of lunch was fairly quiet, as if the emotion of the first few minutes was more then enough for them both to deal with. Talk turned to more mundane things. She told him about her work and he told her that he’d rented an apartment not far from hers. He walked her back to work and they made plans to have supper early next week.

Back at her desk, Candy picked up her pen, tapping it against the top of her desk. Lunch with her brother had certainly given her a lot to think about. And while she was willing to fight for her and Lucas’ relationship, she was also realistic enough to know that wanting something to happen didn’t guarantee success. There might be no way to repair the damage that had been done to their relationship. If that happened, she knew she’d want a change.

Picking up the phone, she reached out and snagged the phone number that Ms. Bates had given her and dialed quickly before she changed her mind. It was answered almost immediately on the other end. Candy took a deep breath. “This is Candy Logan. If the job is still open, I’d like to interview for it and find out more about the position.”

By the time the conversation was over, she had an appointment for the next day. She already knew it would be no problem for her to take a personal day and fly to New York City. She could go and check out this job and be home again by tomorrow night.

Then she’d make her final attempt with Lucas. She had a plan. She reached for the phone again, filled with renewed determination. Dialing the number, she waited as the phone began to ring.