Desire

Chapter Thirteen

For an endless moment they stood locked together in a death grip, straining for control of the rapier. Then with an anguished cry, Giles twisted away and flung himself full-force at Lucian, sending them both crashing over the table to the floor.

Struggling for breath, Lucian rolled free and climbed to his feet, firmly in possession of the weapon. Yet his opponent lay still, groaning, blood seeping from a mortal wound in his chest.

Dropping the blade with a clatter, Lucian went down on his knees beside the dying man, cradling his head.

“Giles…” he whispered, agony ripping through him.

“Forgive me, Luce… It is better this way… Please…don’t tell…”

His last rasped words were lost in a violent fit of coughing as blood bubbled up from his throat.

“No…!”

The hoarse cry woke her. Brynn sat up in bed, her heart pounding. Her bedchamber was dark, filled with an uneasy silence.

When she heard another muted moan of pain coming from beyond the door to her sitting room, she hastily fumbled to light a candle and made her way cautiously to Lucian’s apartments. He lay sleeping in the huge canopied bed, tossing his head restlessly on the pillow. His body was nearly bare, the rumpled linen sheets scarcely covering his loins.

He groaned again, a tortured sound that wrenched her heart. Bending over him, Brynn laid a gentle hand on his arm and realized he was covered with cold sweat.

At her touch, he woke abruptly, staring at her with a wildness in his eyes. Then his hand shot out, grasping her wrist with an unexpected fierceness.

Startled, she tried to draw away. “I’m sorry… You were having a bad dream.”

The savage light slowly faded from his eyes. “The same nightmare,” Lucian said hoarsely. “I killed him…”

She knew exactly what he had dreamed, yet she refrained from admitting to seeing his same dark visions. Lucian hadn’t believed her when she’d confessed to sharing his dreams, nor did she like to remind him of her powers of witchery.

“Are you all right?” Brynn asked when he shuddered.

Slowly he raised himself onto one elbow, running his hand raggedly down his face. “Yes.”

“Well then…” She started to turn away, but he stopped her with an abrupt plea.

“Don’t go… please.”

Brynn hesitated. She was standing barefoot in her revealing cambric nightdress, her hair tumbling wantonly down her back. Yet Lucian’s mind was obviously not on seduction or carnal matters, for he was staring unseeingly at the shadows of the room, not examining her scanty attire.

Gingerly she set the candle on the nightstand. She couldn’t simply abandon him if he needed comforting, even knowing the danger of remaining in such close proximity.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” she asked. “Theo used to be troubled by nightmares, and talking about them seemed to help ease his fear.”

Lucian’s gaze searched her face intently, before he looked away. “You don’t want to hear about something so ugly.” His voice was low, taut.

She perched on the edge of the bed, keeping as much distance between them as possible. “I do, Lucian. It obviously disturbs you greatly.”

A long moment passed before he answered. “I killed a man. Someone I counted as a friend.”

“Giles?” When his gaze flew to her face, she prevaricated, “You cried his name in your sleep.”

Lucian stared at her. “Yes, Giles,” he said at last, his voice hoarse.

Brynn felt the despair in him. “But you didn’t kill him in cold blood.”

“No, not in cold blood. He was a traitor…” There was another long pause. From the conflicting emotions on Lucian’s face, she knew he was debating how much to reveal to her.

“What happened?” she prodded gently.

He exhaled in a sigh. “Last spring… when I was in France searching for March… I uncovered a plot. My friend Giles was making deals with the French, selling secrets. Divulging the identity of our agents. When I confronted him, he begged me not to expose him.”

Lucian’s features twisted in anguish. “I couldn’t let him go free, not when several of our men had died because of his betrayal. Giles was like a cornered fox. He drew a rapier and attacked me… I managed to defend myself, but he… I killed him with his own blade.” Lucian looked down at his hands. “I keep seeing his blood on my hands,” he said in a voice so low, it was almost a whisper.

He lay back, shutting his eyes. Brynn could see the pain etched in his face. She ached to offer him comfort, to soothe the darkness and despair he had let her glimpse.

Reaching out tentatively, she touched his curling hair, feeling the sleek, silky texture beneath her fingertips. To her startlement, Lucian reached out and dragged her down to him, holding her against his body so tightly that his heartbeat shivered through her.

For a long moment, Brynn remained frozen in his desperate embrace. She might have consoled a child similarly, only she didn’t feel in the least motherly. The heat of Lucian’s hard body was arousing, the intimate pressure making her breath catch. She wanted to pull away, and yet he needed the comfort she could give. After a moment she let her arms slide around him. He responded by burying his face in her throat, as if in despair.

She reluctantly held him that way for a long while, a storm of emotion quietly roiling inside her.

“You’re horrified,” he murmured.

“No… No,” she answered more firmly. “You had no choice.”

“True.” She felt Lucian’s fury in that single uttered word. “Giles left me no choice. Just as he felt he had no choice. He was being blackmailed for his… sexual propensities. To hide his shame, he let himself be drawn into a far worse crime.”

“Treason.”

Lucian let out his breath in a hoarse sigh. “There is someone preying on young bucks of the ton-a nobleman, most likely-luring them to betray their country either through bribery or blackmail. What I wouldn’t give to bring him to justice…”

She felt Lucian’s hand clench in her hair. “So Giles was driven to desperation?”

“Yes. In the end, he was down on his knees to me, sobbing. When he charged, I was caught off guard. Even now I’m not certain if he truly wanted to kill me or if he wanted me to end his torment. I concealed his treachery from the world, for what it’s worth. I put about the tale that he had died on the road, set upon by bandits. But I wish to God the result could have been different.”

“You cannot blame yourself, Lucian,” she said quietly.

He gave a muffled, humorless laugh. “Logically I know that. But my nightmares don’t seem to understand logic.” He paused. “Sometimes I see my own death.”

“Your death?”

She felt him shudder. “My hands are covered with Giles’s blood, and then it becomes my own blood. I’m dying. I deserve to die, because I killed him.”

“ Lucian… you had no choice. You have to forgive yourself.”

“Believe me, I’ve tried…” His voice lowered to a hoarse rasp. “I never expected my brush with death to affect me so deeply, but it changed me somehow… I suppose because for the first time I realized that I was actually mortal. I see myself dying, with nothing to show for having lived. No legacy. No heirs.”

Brynn felt her breath catch as she finally understood. “That is why you want a son so badly.”

He drew back, capturing her gaze with his dark, intense one. “Yes. I would like to leave something behind, so my life won’t have been in vain.”

She returned his gaze with dismay, lamenting the tenderness she suddenly felt for him. His rare vulnerability touched her more than any seductive charm could have done.

“Lucian…” she murmured, not certain she should encourage this intimate discussion or divulge her own secrets. Should she explain that she understood? That she harbored similar fears? That she had always dreaded dying alone, unloved, because of the curse?

His fierce hold on her loosened. Drawing away slightly, he lifted a strand of her hair from her breast and rubbed it between his fingertips. “It was arrogant of me to think you would want to bear my son. Small wonder that you opposed my suit.”

Brynn shut her eyes, wishing she could deny the sudden flood of emotion that welled up in her. “Perhaps it was arrogant,” she said at last, “that you thought to purchase me as your broodmare. But the prospect of bearing your son wasn’t why I opposed you. I simply didn’t want a husband.”

His gaze searched her face. “You don’t consider having my child repugnant?”

“No. I wouldn’t mind having a child, not at all… although… I suppose my reasons might be selfish.”

“How could having a child be selfish?”

Brynn looked away, grappling with her own misgivings. This quiet night seemed a time for sharing secrets; revelations of the heart came more easily in the dark, with only the glow of a candle to illuminate the intensity of Lucian’s expression. But confidences were less dangerous without having to meet his intimate, penetrating gaze.

“A child would ease the loneliness,” she said at last.

“Loneliness?” he asked softly.

“The loneliness I’ve always lived with. I don’t think you would understand.”

He put a finger under her chin, compelling her to look at him. “I understand loneliness, Brynn.”

“Do you?” She gave him a doubtful frown. “How can someone who has led such a privileged life know what loneliness is? You have countless friends.”

“Not close friends. Being surrounded by sycophants doesn’t qualify. I can count on one hand the people I truly care about. I’ve felt alone most of my life.”

She lowered her gaze. “It still isn’t the same. You are able to choose the people you love. I am afraid to be near any man, to smile or talk or offer friendship, for fear of killing him.”

Lucian reached up to brush her cheek with a tender forefinger. Brynn winced at his gentleness, finding the intimacy of this moment excruciatingly painful. Until Lucian, she had never shared her deepest secret with anyone, not even her family. Only her mother would have understood the depth of the anguish the curse had caused her: the fear of destroying someone she loved.

“Brynn…” His voice dropped. “You just told me I should forgive myself for Giles’s death. Well, you will have to do the same-forgive yourself for James’s death.”

“That is different.”

“Certainly it is. You don’t have his blood on your hands. You were in no way responsible for his drowning.”

She stared at Lucian a long moment, struggling with her own inner demons.

“As for loneliness…” he said finally, his voice a whisper of velvet. “You needn’t feel alone any longer. We can console each other… drive away the loneliness together.”

Her throat tightened, leaving her unable to answer.

“I realize this marriage hasn’t been pleasant for you,” Lucian murmured. “Nor is it what I intended. I should never have left you alone so much of the time. I’ve been unforgivably cold… Concerned with my own wants, my own needs.” He gave a low laugh. “How is that for selfishness?”

Swallowing thickly, Brynn shook her head. “That wasn’t selfishness. You wanted a son.”

“But I could have been more considerate of your happiness. I am sorry, Brynn, for the way I treated you. I want you to be happy… Or if not happy, then at least content.”

His apology shredded her resolve to resist him. When he brushed her lower lip with his thumb, her breath faltered.

“We made such a poor beginning, Brynn, but it isn’t too late to start anew, is it? Our union can be more than a cold-blooded arrangement. We could have a real marriage rather than a battleground. I could be your husband in truth.”

Heat spread through her, catching hurtfully in her stomach. “No, Lucian. You are ignoring the danger of the curse. We can’t have a real marriage. If I came to care for you, you would die.”

His seductive mouth twisted. “I don’t believe that, love.”

“Lucian-”

His fingers pressed against her lips, hushing her. “I am willing to risk it. Curse or no curse, I’m done fighting you.”

He gave her a heart-ravaging smile, and Brynn felt herself melt inside. Her gaze dropped from his beautiful mouth to his bare chest, rippling with muscle in the candlelight. How could she resist that elegantly chiseled face, that hard, lean, graceful body? How could she resist his tenderness? How could she not resist?

She could feel herself dangerously softening toward Lucian. This tender, vulnerable side of him was so beguiling. It was too easy to care for him, too difficult to withstand his male allure. Her heart was too susceptible. If she let down her guard, she could go too far…

His thumb slowly stroked her lip, heightening her turmoil. “Don’t fight me any longer, Brynn…”

She felt his touch like flame, her senses had become so painfully acute. In desperation, Brynn glanced toward the door that separated their apartments, contemplating escape.

She heard Lucian’s quiet sigh, as if he realized he had gone too far. “You needn’t decide right now, love. I won’t press you.”

Gratefully Brynn started to sit up, intending to return to her own rooms, but Lucian put an imploring hand on her arm. “Please… don’t go. Stay with me tonight. Help me keep the nightmares at bay.”

She glanced down at him in despair, struggling with her conscience. She shouldn’t risk staying, yet she didn’t want him to suffer those terrible nightmares, either.

“I won’t assault you, I promise you.” His half smile was wistful, slightly mocking. “Although having you in my bed without touching you will likely be a torment.” When she still hesitated, his voice dropped to a rough whisper. “Stay with me, just for tonight. I need you, Brynn.”

Her heart wrenching at his plea, she lay down again. He leaned across her to snuff out the candle, and darkness instantly enveloped them. Brynn tensed when he drew the sheet up over them both, but at Lucian’s silent urging, she turned over, giving him her back. She lay there stiffly, willing her defenses to remain strong, even as his naked heat warmed her taut body.

“Sweet,” he murmured, nuzzling his face in her hair.

At length, she felt Lucian relax, felt his breathing grow soft and even. Eventually she realized he had fallen asleep holding her.

It was a long, long moment, however, before Brynn could feel the tension begin to drain from her own body. The quiet night was soothing, the darkness deeply sensual-and yet she found sleep impossible. It was painfully arousing, indulging in this closeness with Lucian, listening to his even breathing, his heat and hardness at her back. The physical intimacy only intensified her inner turmoil.

Her heart felt torn by longing. Lucian’s proposal was so tempting. He was offering her something deeper than the cold-blooded compact they had entered. A new start for their relationship. A real marriage. An end to loneliness.

But at what price? His life? How could she dare accept? She would be devastated were Lucian to die. She could never bear the heartbreak, the guilt. She had already begun to care for him too much…

Brynn shut her eyes tightly. Until now she had managed to withstand his powerful magnetism. Angered and hurt by his high-handedness and neglect, she had purposefully nursed her darker feelings to shield herself from her attraction, to protect Lucian from danger. And in truth, nothing had changed.

A sharp feeling of despair coursed through Brynn. She had no business letting herself even contemplate accepting his offer of a deeper relationship. Desires of the heart had no place in her life. She was a fool to be feverishly yearning for the elusive promise of love.

And yet how could she deny the hunger he woke in her? Just now his hand slid upward, nestling possessively on her breast, arousing her even as he slept. A small moan surfaced from deep in Brynn’s throat, and she stirred restlessly, her body craving his heat and strength.

Easing away, she turned over, watching Lucian slumber in the dim moonlight. His masculine beauty was so compelling, even more so with a shadow of stubble darkening his jaw. She longed to reach up and caress his face, to feel the rough texture, so different from her own softness. She longed to press even closer to him, to stop fighting the passion he aroused within her, to surrender to his tempting allure…

An aching sense of sadness filled her as she acknowledged the hopelessness of her longings. She had no choice but to refuse his offer of a real marriage. Perhaps they could indeed end the turbulent dance of anger and defiance that had characterized their union from the first, and she would be grateful for that. But she couldn’t allow any deeper feelings to develop. For her, love would have to remain an unfulfilled dream. She had to keep her distance from him, emotionally at least.

Yet it would be so much easier if she could keep apart physically as well. If they could live separate lives…

Brynn drew an unsteady breath, struggling to bury the tangle of unwanted emotions that knotted inside her. Lucian had promised he would leave her alone if she conceived a child. She could hold him to his word, but first she would have to produce the son he wanted so badly. Only when he gained his heir would he be satisfied enough to let her go her own way.

She could make her escape then. She could demand that he honor his promise.

And if he wanted more than she dared give? Then she would have to drive him away. No matter what her own feelings, she had to protect him.

Renewing her resolve, Brynn let her eyes close. She dozed for a time, but the strangeness of sleeping in an unfamiliar bedchamber, next to the man who was her husband, kept her sleep restless.

Fingers of dawn were filtering beneath the brocade draperies when she came fully awake. She lay there, indulging in the guilty pleasure of watching Lucian, studying the chiseled planes and angles of his beautiful face.

It was still early when he stirred awake. His eyes opened abruptly, fixing on her in startlement. Then recognizing her, he gave her a slow smile. “Are you watching over me, guardian angel?” he asked, his voice a husky rasp.

Embarrassed to be caught staring, Brynn blushed and sat up, giving him her back. This would be hard enough without having to face him directly.

“Thank you for staying with me, love. My dreams were only pleasant ones.”

She felt his hand stroke her back lightly and winced. Clutching the sheet to her breast, she drew her knees up, girding herself for what she would have to say.

“I have been thinking about your offer, Lucian,” she began in a low voice.

There was a brief silence. “And?”

“And I agree it would be good to stop fighting, but… I prefer we adhere to the original terms of our arrangement. You promised you would leave me alone if I gave you an heir.”

“I said that, yes. But I think perhaps our circumstances have changed.” His fingers were warm at her back, distracting her.

“Not really.” Brynn turned to glance down at him. “I never wanted this marriage, and nothing has occurred to convince me otherwise.”

She was watching his face and saw his disappointment before a mask fell over his eyes.

“You said it was my choice,” she reminded him.

“It is,” he replied evenly.

“Well, I would like to keep our relationship strictly business.”

“Because you fear the curse.”

“Primarily.”

Lucian studied her for a moment. “You realize that for you to conceive,” he said finally, “we will have to resume carnal relations?”

“Yes, I realize that. And I intend to do my part. I will submit to you whenever you wish.”

“It’s not submission I want, love,” he murmured. “I want you hot and twisting in my arms, as you were the last time. Do you remember how wild you were in the carriage, Brynn?”

She felt herself blush. “You will have to be satisfied with submission.”

“I don’t believe that is possible any longer.”

Brynn gave him a questioning glance. “Why not?”

“Because the thought of forcing myself upon you to get you with child has become supremely distasteful to me.”

“You would not be forcing me. I told you, I am willing to bear your child.”

“I’m afraid that isn’t good enough, Brynn. You’re suggesting in effect that I stand at stud. But to service you, I will have to be aroused enough to perform. And your reluctance is the surest way to kill my interest.” His mouth twisted wryly. “Regrettably, love, you can’t conceive without my full participation.”

Brynn dropped her gaze to his mouth. She could remember the feel and the taste of it on hers. “I would not be reluctant,” she assured him in a low voice.

“You will have to convince me otherwise.” When she lifted her gaze, he expounded. “I told you, I am not going to force myself on you again. You will have to take the lead.”

“What do you mean, take the lead?”

“If you want me to make love to you, you will have to be the one to initiate it. You will have to arouse me, siren, rather than the other way around.”

Her heartbeat quickened at the thought of arousing Lucian to passion, while her face flushed. “I’m sure I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

“I would be willing to instruct you.” Lucian paused, surveying her. “Perhaps you had best get started.”

Her eyes widened. “You want to make love now?”

“Can you think of a better time?” He gave her a flicker of a smile. “If I’m to get you with child, we should make love frequently, to improve the likelihood my seed will take root.”

Brynn remained totally mute.

“Very well,” Lucian said, grasping the sheet as if preparing to get out of bed. “It’s your choice.”

“No, wait!” She looked at him, their gazes locking. “What do I have to do?”