Fueled

My feet pound the pavement to the driving beat of the music. The angry lyrics help relieve some of the angst, but not all of it. I make the final turn on the street to reach my house and just wish I could keep running right on past it―past the reminders of him that blanket my house and overload my phone on a daily basis.

But I can’t. Today is a huge day. The corporate big wigs are visiting, and I have to present the final details of the project as well as give the requisite dog- and- pony- show Teddy wants for them.

I’ve thrown myself into preparing for this meeting. I’ve pushed aside—or tried to as best as possible—the sight of Tawny’s face as it flickers smugly through my mind. I’ve tried to use work to drown out Colton’s voice pleading with me, telling me he needs me. I’ve tried to forget the sun glittering off of the foil packet. Tears well in my eyes but I push them back. Not today. I can’t do this today.

I jog the last couple of steps up the front porch and busy myself with my iPod so I’m able to overlook the newest bouquet of dahlias sitting on the doorstep. As I open the door, I pluck the card from the arrangement without really looking at the flowers and toss it in the dish on the foyer table already overflowing with its numerous unopened and identical counterparts.

I sigh, walking into the kitchen and scrunching my nose at the overbearing smell of too many unwelcome flowers that are scattered randomly throughout the house. I pull out my earbuds and lean into the refrigerator to grab a water.

“Phone?”

Haddie’s contemptuous voice startles me. “Jesus, Had! You scared the shit out of me!”

She eyes me with pursed lips for a moment as I chug down my water, her usually cheerful countenance has been replaced with annoyance. “What? What did I do now?”

“Sorry if I worried about you.” Her sarcasm matches the smarmy look on her face. “You were gone a lot longer than usual. It’s irresponsible to go running without your phone.”

“I needed to clear my head.” My response does nothing to lessen her visible irritation. “He calls and texts me constantly. I just needed to escape from my phone…” I gesture to the ludicrous amount of flower arrangements “…from our house that smells like a damn funeral parlor.”

“It is a little ridiculous,” she agrees, scrunching up her nose, her features softening as she looks at me.

“Asinine is what it is,” I murmur under my breath as I sit at the kitchen table to untie my shoes. Between the one to two bouquets delivered daily, with cards that go unopened, to the numerous text messages that I delete without reading, Colton just won’t get the hint that I’m done with him. Completely. Over him.

And regardless of how strong I try to sound when I say those words, I’m quietly falling apart at the seams. Some days are better than others, but those others—they are debilitating. I knew Colton would be hard to get over, but I just didn’t know how hard. And then to add to the fact that he just won’t let me go. I haven’t spoken to him, seen him, read his texts or cards, or listened to the voicemails that are sapping up the memory of my phone, but he remains relentless in his attempts. His persistence tells me that his guilt really must be eating at him.

My head has accepted the finality of it; my heart hasn’t. And if I give in and read the cards or acknowledge the songs he refers to in his texts depicting how he feels, then I’m not sure how resolute my head will remain with its decision. Hearing his voice, reading his words, seeing his face—any of them will crumble the house of cards I’m trying to reconstruct around my broken heart.

“Ry?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

I look up at my dearest friend, trying to hold it together so she can’t see right through my false pretense, and bite my bottom lip to quell the tears that threaten once again. I shake my head and push it back. “Yeah. Fine. I just need to get to work.”

I start to stand up and shuffle past her, wanting desperately to avoid the Haddie Montgomery pep talk. I’m not quick enough. Her hand reaches out and holds my arm firm. “Ry, maybe he didn’t…” she stalls when my eyes meet hers.

“I don’t want to talk about it Haddie.” I shake her hand loose and walk toward my bedroom. “I’m going to be late.”

“All set?”

I glance over at Teddy as I finish my final run through of my Power Point presentation on the conference room screen and make sure that my smile reflects confidence. In case Teddy’s heard the rumors, I can’t let him know that anything is amiss between Colton and I. If I do, then I know he’ll fret about losing the funding. “Definitely. I’m just waiting for Cindy to finish running off copies of the agenda to place on the top of the binders.”

He steps into the room as I refasten a diagram to an easel. “I’m sure you noticed that I adjusted and added a couple of items on the agenda. It doesn’t affect your portion but―”

“It’s your meeting, Teddy. I’m sure whatever you added is fine. You really don’t have to run any changes by me.”

“I know, I know,” he says, looking at the slide up on the projector screen, “but it’s your baby being presented to the bigwigs today.”

I smile genuinely at him. “And I’ll get them up to speed. I have my updates, budget projections, estimated schedules, and everything else relating to the project updated and ready to present.”

“It’s you, Ry. I’m not worried. You’ve never failed me.” He returns the smile and pats me on the back before looking at his watch. “They should be here any minute. Do you need anything from me before I go down to meet them?”

“Not that I can think of.”

Cindy passes Teddy on his way out of the conference room. “Do you want to see the agendas first or should I just lay them out on top of the binders?”

I glance up at the clock, realizing that time is slipping away from me. “You can just lay them on the binders. That’d really help. Thanks.”

I clean up my mess, get my presentation back to the beginning slide, and just escape the conference room to stash the unneeded items back in my office when I hear Teddy’s resonating voice down the hallway. Time to put my game face on. “And here she is,” he booms loudly, his voice reverberating off of the office hallways.

I stop, hands full of items, and smile warmly at the stuffed suits. “Gentlemen.” I nod my head in greeting. “So glad to have you here. We can’t wait to get you up to speed on the project and get your input.” I look down at my overloaded hands and continue, “I just need to go put this stuff away real quick, and I will be right back.”

I dash into my office, throw the items on top of my desk, and take a quick minute to check my appearance before making my way back to the conference room. I enter right as Teddy starts addressing the group before him. Trying not to interrupt his welcoming comments, I sit in the first seat available at the front of the massive, rectangular table without looking around at the room’s occupants behind me.

Teddy rambles on about expectations and how we will be exceeding them as I square up the papers in front of me. The agenda being the top paper, my eyes travel over it dismissively since I know it like the back of my hand. And then I do a double take when I notice one of Teddy’s changes. Right beneath my time slot, the words, “CD Enterprises” mars the page.

My heart stops and pulse races simultaneously. My breath pauses and I begin to feel light headed. No! Not now. I can’t do this right now. This meeting means too much. He can’t be here. Panic starts to overwhelm me. The rush of blood fills my ears, drowning out Teddy’s words. I slowly lay down the paper and place my hands in my lap, hoping that no one notices their trembling. I lower my head and close my eyes tightly as I try to steady my breathing. How stupid was I to assume that he wouldn’t be here? After all, his donation and sponsorship program are the reason our hands are hovering over the go button. I’ve been so wrapped up in avoiding him and being conveniently sick for some of the other functions that I was supposed to attend, I completely shut out the possibility from my subconscious.

Maybe Colton didn’t come. Then of course that means Tawny would most likely be sitting here. I’m not sure which one would be worse. When I can’t stand it anymore, I take a fortifying breath, and raise my eyes to scan the occupants of the room.

And I immediately lock onto the pale green irises of Colton whose attention is focused solely on me. The house of cards surrounding my heart flutters to the ground and all of the air punches out of my lungs at the sight of him. No matter how hard I tell myself to break eye contact, it’s like a car accident. I just can’t help but stare.

Only because I have intimate knowledge of his face, do I notice the subtle differences in his appearance. His hair is longer, the scruff is back around his jaw, slight shadows bruise beneath his eyes, and he seems slightly unkempt for a man who’s always so well put together. I drag my gaze over his magnificently stoic face and am drawn back to his eyes. It is on this second pass that I realize the usual mischievous spark that lights them from within is absent. They look lost, sad even, as they silently plead with me. I see his jaw tic as the intensity in his eyes strengthens. I tear my eyes away from him, not wanting to read the unspoken words he is conveying.

After what he did, he doesn’t deserve a second glance from me. I close mine for a beat to try and blink away the tears that threaten, telling myself that I have to keep it together. I have to keep my composure. And regardless of what I tell myself, images of Tawny barely covered by Colton’s T-shirt flash through my head. I have to bite back the sickening pang in my stomach and fight the urge to leave the room. My shock at seeing him here slowly churns itself into anger. This is my office and my meeting, and I can’t let him affect me. Or I at least have to give the pretense of it anyway.

I clench my jaw and shake away my misery as Teddy’s voice slowly seeps through the buzzing in my brain. He’s introducing me and I rise on wobbly legs to make my way to the front of the conference room, all too aware of the weight of Colton’s eyes locked on me.

I stand at the front of the room, thankful that I’ve rehearsed my presentation numerous times. My voice breaks as I begin, but I slowly find my confidence as I continue. I make sure to meet the eyes of the suits as well as avoid one set of eyes in particular. I channel my hurt and anger at him and his actions—and him just being here in general—to fuel my enthusiasm for the project. I speak of CD Enterprises and their monumental contributions, but never once look in his direction. I finish my presentation smoothly and succinctly and smile at the group before me. I answer the few questions that are posed and then gladly take my seat as the same time that Colton rises from the table and makes his way to the front of the room.

I fiddle with the papers in front of me as Colton addresses everyone. I curse myself for my last minute entrance into the meeting and my proximity to the front of the room. He is so close to me that his clean, woodsy smell lingers in the air and wraps itself into my head, evoking memories of our time together. All of my senses are on high alert, and I’d give anything to be able to leave the room right now.

It’s torture to have the person inches from you that makes you love inexplicably, desire desperately, despise viciously, and hurt unfathomably, all in the same breath.

I doodle aimlessly on my papers trying to distract myself as the rasp of his voice pulls at me. My eyes desperately want to look at him—to search out a reason or explanation for his actions, but I know that nothing will erase the images in my head from that day.

“In partnership with Corporate Cares, CD Enterprises has gone down every avenue possible to ensure the largest sum of donations. We’ve knocked on all doors, called in all outstanding favors, and answered all incoming phone calls. Everyone gets equal attention. No one is overlooked as we’ve found in projects past, that usually when you least expect it, someone will come along—someone that you might have originally written off—and they will be the one that ends up turning the tide. Sometimes the one that you assumed would be inconsequential, turns out to be the one that makes all the difference.”

My eyes reflexively flash up to Colton’s on the word that holds so much significance between us. Despite the audience, Colton’s eyes are transfixed on mine as if he’s waiting for any reaction from me to tell him that I’ve heard his private innuendo. That I still care. And of course I played right into it. Damn it! The emerald of his eyes bore into mine and the muscles play in his jaw as our stare lasts longer than is professional, the message within his words registering in my psyche.

A diminutive smile curls up the corner of his mouth as he breaks his gaze from mine to continue. And that little smile, that little show of arrogance that proves he now knows he still affects me, both pisses me off and overwhelms me. Or is he trying to tell me that I’m the one who matters to him? I’m so confused. I don’t know what to think anymore.

The one thing I am sure of is that I refuse to be that girl. The girl that we all look at and think is stupid because she continually goes back to the guy that is always doing wrong by her―screwing around behind her back, leading her on, telling her one thing while doing the other. I have a backbone, and as much as I want Colton—as much as I do love Colton—I value the things I have to offer someone too much to let him or any guy trample me and my self-esteem. I just have to keep telling myself this as his voice seduces my ears, trying to draw me back in and strengthening his hold over me like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

“And such a phone call came in yesterday to my office. And by no means are we done with our fundraising efforts, but with that unexpected phone call, I am pleased to announce that in addition to the funds already pledged by CD Enterprises, another two million dollars has been confirmed in donations for the completion of your project.”

A collective gasp echoes through the room with Colton’s declaration. Voices buzz with excitement and the knowledge that our project is now fully funded, that all of our hard will work come to fruition.

I hang my head down amidst the commotion and squeeze my eyes shut as the roller coaster soars me up and then yanks me back down. I can’t even begin to process the gamut of emotions coursing through me. On one hand, all of my efforts on behalf of my boys will pay off in a monumental way. More kids will benefit from the program and have the chance to become positive contributors to society. On the other hand, Colton is the one handing me this victory. Talk about irony. I’m being handed everything I’ve dreamed of on a professional level by the one person that I want more than anything in the whole world, but can’t have on a personal level.

As much as I fight the emotions, they are just too much to bear. I’m overwhelmed. The flip-flopping between hurt and anger and misery has exhausted me. A tear slips down my cheek, and I hastily dash it away with the back of my hand as my shoulders tremble from the threat of so many more. The pain of having Colton just within reach and yet so far away from me is just too much. Everything is too fresh. Too raw.

I’ve lost myself so much to my emotions that I’ve forgotten my surroundings. When I come back to myself, the room is silent. I keep my head down, trying to pull myself together when I hear Teddy’s hushed voice. “It’s meant everything to her. She’s put her heart and soul into this…you can’t fault her for being overwhelmed.”

I hear murmurs of agreement, and I’m relieved that my coworkers have mistaken my visible emotion as elation in respects to the good news on the project rather than as a result of my personal heartache. I force a thready smile onto my lips and look up at the room of people despite the tears pooling in my eyes. I meet Teddy’s gaze, warmth and pride reflected on his face, and I smile sheepishly at him, playing into the charade. Anything to escape from Colton. “If you’ll excuse me, I just need a moment,” I murmur.

“Of course.” He smiles softly as does the rest of the room, assuming correctly that I need to go pull myself together but for all of the wrong reasons.

I rise and calmly walk to the door, leaving a wide berth to where Colton stands, and exit the room. I can hear Teddy’s voice congratulating everyone and declaring the meeting over seeing as there is no need to brainstorm how to secure the remainder of the funding anymore. My pace quickens as the distance increases from the conference room. I hold up my hand to Stella, effectively dismissing her, as she calls out my name. I make it to my office and shut the door in the nick of time before the first sob tears from my throat.

I let them roll through me as I lean against the wall opposing the door. I’ve tried to be so strong and hold them in for so many days, but I can’t anymore. I’m disappointed in myself for still caring about him. Upset that I still want him to think about me. Pissed that he can affect me in so many ways. That he still makes my heart swell for him while my head acknowledges that he turned to Tawny when things between us went beyond the mandated Colton dating stipulations.

I ignore the gentle knock on the door, not wanting anyone to see me in such a wrecked state. The person persists and I try to rub away the tears from my cheeks knowing it’s useless. There is no way I can hide my crying jag. I snap my head up as the door opens and Colton slides inside, shutting it behind him and leaning against it.

I’m staggered by his presence in my office. He dominates the small space. It’s one thing to try and get over him when he’s not tangible, but when he is right in front of me—when I can touch him with my fingertips—it’s that much more unbearable. Our eyes lock onto each other’s and my mind whirls with so many things I want to say and so many things I fear to ask. The silence is so loud between us it’s deafening. Colton’s eyes are saying so much to me, asking so much of me, but I’m unable to respond.

He pushes off the door and takes a step toward me. “Rylee…” My name is a plea on his lips.

“No!” I tell him, my quiet yet useless defense against him. “No,” I say again with more resolve as he takes another step. “Don’t do this here, Colton. Please.”

“Ry…” He reaches out to touch me, and I bat his hand away.

“No.” My lip trembles as he stands inside my personal space. I look down at the ground. Anywhere but his eyes. “Not here, Colton. You don’t get to come into my work—my office—and take the one place that has been keeping me sane after what you did to me and taint it.” My voice breaks on my last words as a tear escapes and makes a path down my cheek. “Please…” I push against his chest to try and gain some distance, but I’m not quick enough because he grabs my wrists and holds them. The jolt of electricity still remaining between us has me gritting my teeth and fighting back more tears.

“Enough!” He grates out. “I’m not a patient man, Rylee. Never have been and never will be. I’ve given you your space, dealt with you ignoring me, but I have half a mind to tie you down to your chair and force you to listen to me. Keep it up and I will.”

“Let go!” I yank my wrists from him, needing to break the connection.

“I didn’t sleep with her, Rylee!” He grates out.

“I don’t want to hear the sordid details, Colton.” I have to stop him. I can’t listen to the lies. “Two words, condom wrapper.” I’m proud of myself for the quiet steel in my voice. Proud that I can process a thought when my insides are shredding.

“Nothing happened!” he snaps harshly at me as he paces the small confines of my office. “Absolutely nothing!”

“I’m not one of your typical airheads, Colton. I know what I saw and I saw—”

“Jesus fucking Christ woman, it was just a goddamn fucking kiss!” His implacable voice fills the room.

And empties my heart.

I force myself to swallow. To unheard what he’s said. “What?” I ask, disbelief dripping from my question as he grabs the back of his neck and pulls down on it, a grimace of regret on his face. “First you swear that nothing happened. Now you’re telling me that it was just a kiss. What next? You’re going to tell me you forgot that your dick accidentally slipped into her? The story keeps changing, but I’m supposed to believe that this time you’re telling the truth?” I laugh, hysteria mixed with the hurt bubbling up. “Last I checked, you didn’t need a condom to kiss someone.”

“It’s all just a misunderstanding. You’re totally blowing this out of proportion and I—”

A knock on the door jolts us from our bubble. It takes me a moment to find my voice and sound composed. “Yes?”

“Teddy needs you in five,” Stella says timidly through the door.

“Okay. I’ll be right there.” I close my eyes momentarily, resigning my soul to this continuous anger and hurt.

Colton clears his throat; his face clearly conflicted between forcing me to hash this out and allowing me to retain my dignity here at work. Reluctantly he nods his head in defeat. “I’ll go, Rylee. I’ll leave, but I’m not letting you run away from this—from us—until I get to have my say. This is by no means over. Understood?”

I just look at him, missing him so desperately but unable to wrap my head around telling him I love him and then him running into another woman’s arms. Unable to accept the ever-changing story about what happened between him and Tawny. I nod my head once, panic fluttering through my body when I realize that as much as I need distance, a part of me is relieved to know that I will get to see him again. It’s a silly thought seeing as the sight of him churns my stomach and causes my heart to hurt, but you can’t undo the addictive haze of love.

Tears well in my eyes as I brace myself when he leans in and places a lingering kiss on the top of my head. Chills dance up my spine despite my initial reaction to pull away from him in self-preservation.

He holds my head to his lips for a moment so that I can’t squirm away. “I had to see you, Rylee. I moved Heaven and earth to get that sponsorship so that I could call Teddy and tell him to let me present today.” My breath hitches at his words. I can feel his throat work a swallow as I drown in him despite the pain he’s inflicting. “It’s killing me that you won’t talk to me—that you won’t believe me—and I’m not sure what to do with how that makes me feel.” He pauses but keeps his cheek against my head, and I know opening up like this is difficult for him. “I can still feel you, Rylee. Your skin. The way you taste. Your lips when you smile against mine. Smell the vanilla you wear. Hear your laugh…you’re everywhere. You’re all I can think about.”

With those parting words, Colton turns and leaves my office, shutting the door behind him without looking back. I nearly cave. I nearly give into the urge to call his name and go back on the promises I made to myself long ago about what I deserve in a relationship. The memory of Tawny in his doorway draws me back to myself. Allows me to keep the slippery hold on my resolve.

I exhale slowly, trying to locate my composure because his words have undone me. They were the words I needed to hear weeks ago. The words I needed to hear in response to telling him I loved him. But now I’m just not sure if they’re too late. My stumbling heart says they’re not, but my sensible head says yes as it tries to protect my vulnerable feelings.

After a few minutes, I stop trembling and freshen up my make-up in time to participate in a smaller conference with the bigwigs from corporate. During the meeting, my cell phone vibrates signaling an incoming text, and I grab it quickly as to not interrupt the conversation. In my fleeting glance, I see the short text from Colton.

Sad by Maroon 5 - x C

I know the song. A man talking about the two paths of a relationship. A man admitting that he chose the wrong one to take. That he never said the words she needed to hear. That he realizes it now that she’s gone.

I take a small victory in knowing he’s affected by the turn of events, but it doesn’t feel good. Nothing about this situation feels good.

I hate that I want him to hurt as much as I do. I hate myself for wanting him even when he hurt me. And more than anything, I hate that he made me feel again because right now I just wish I could go back to being numb.

I pull myself from my thoughts and wonder for the hundredth time if Colton really misses me or if he’s once again trying to repair that fragile ego of his from being rejected.

Regardless, he’s a big boy and big boys have to take responsibility for their screwed up actions. He says nothing happened but it’s hard to believe when I saw them wearing the same pieces of a matching outfit.

Consequences. I’m sure that’s a word he’s never had to own up to before. I don’t plan on responding, but I do just for measure.

I Knew You Were Trouble – Taylor Swift.