Fueled

I slip back into my hotel room for a quick respite before the next event occurs. I tell myself that I just need to take a breather, but I know for a fact that I’m just being a coward and avoiding Colton as I’ve done for the better part of the day. He’s been nothing but cordial in front of others but aloof when no one is watching. Hurt is evident in his eyes, but then it’s prevalent in mine as well.

In one of the rare instances that we were alone, I tried to talk to Colton about his parting words to me. I wanted to tell him that I do love the broken in him—that I still want the parts of him that he’s hiding away and afraid to let out—but when I opened my mouth to speak, he just dismissed me away with a glacial glare. His patience has obviously run out. It’s what I wanted, so why do I feel like I’m dying inside.

What am I doing? Am I making a huge mistake? I press the heels of my hands to my eyes and sigh. Having him move on should make me happy. Should make me relieved that I don’t have to put up with the “let me explain” routine. Then why am I so utterly miserable? Why do I have to swallow the huge lump in my throat every time I think of him or look at him?

I’m screwing this up. Maybe I need to listen to him. Give him the chance to explain. Maybe if I know the whole story it will help me push through this pain and move on once I hear all of the sordid details of his night with Tawny. And I think these details are exactly what I fear…but what if there are no sordid details? What if everything Haddie has been pushing into my ears is legitimate?

What if I’m in the wrong?

Crap. I am screwing this up. I can’t even think straight—thoughts fragmenting in a million directions—but I know I’m fucking this up.

My cell phone chirps a text notification, and it drags me from my schizophrenic thoughts. It’s a text from Dane about Zander. I dial him immediately. “What’s wrong?” I ask in response to his greeting.

“He had a pretty rough night, Ry.” He blows out a loud sigh. “Actually talked about that night. It was his dad, Ry. And he swears that he saw his dad in his window last night. Freaked out. Literally. But Avery was in the room with him, and she said that there was no one there.”

“Oh God!” is all I can say, imagining the fear tearing through his little body.

“Yeah…Avery did a great job with him though. In fact, he hasn’t left her side all day.”

“Is he still talking?” My mind immediately thinks of all of the progress he’s made in the past month. Of how in therapy he’s started drawing pictures depicting what happened that horrific night and started piecing it together for both his counselors and the authorities. A set back like this could wipe all of that away and then some.

“Not as much but it’s still fresh in his mind. I’m just keeping Avery with him. The two of them have really bonded.”

“Do I need to come home? I can…” Guilt spirals through me. I should be there with Zander right now. Comforting him. Helping him through this. Holding him.

“Don’t be silly, Ry. We’ve got it covered. I just know how you like to know everything about the kids when it happens.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive,” he reiterates. “How’s it going resisting the Adonis? Is the ship still sinking or are you diving into his bits of paradise?”

I can’t help the smile that forms on my lips. “You’ve been talking to Haddie, haven’t you?” His silence is the only answer that I need. Resigned and needing someone to bounce things off of, I reluctantly respond. “It’s…confusing.” I sigh.

“Men always are, babe.”

I laugh. “I don’t know, Dane. I know what I saw. I’m not stupid. But between Haddie telling me I’m being stubborn and Colton’s non-stop denial, I wonder if I’m making a mistake. I just don’t get how one plus one doesn’t equal two.”

He just makes a non-committal sound on the other end of the line while he thinks. “Shit, Ry, not everything is black and white if you know what I mean. What does it hurt to hear him out?”

I breathe out audibly, fear snaking through me that I really might be wrong. That I might already be too late. “My pride.”

“Sugar, maybe you should be holding on a little tighter to that Adonis instead of your pride. That’ll just cause you to end up alone with lots of cats.”

A silence settles between us, his words striking a little closer to home than I care to admit. “Yeah…I know.”

“Then get off your ass and do something about it! A gorgeous man like that isn’t going to wait around forever regardless of how delicious you are. Shit, I just might try to turn him.”

I laugh again; always appreciative of Dane and his unsolicited advice that no doubt puts me in my place. Crap! I thank him quickly and hang up, my mind made up. I scramble quickly, slipping my practical outfit over my head, and grab the sexiest dress I have in my suitcase.

In the time I’ve had to sit and think about everything, I’ve reapplied my make-up and given myself a pep talk to regain some of my confidence. I’m not sure what I’m going to say to Colton, but I have to say something. I have to fix the damage of this cluster-fuck that we’re continually finding ourselves in.

It’s time for me to put on my big girl panties.

I figure if I can speak to him quickly, then I can make some plans to see him afterward and talk things through. I double-check my reflection in the mirrors of the elevator. My quick change has done wonders for both my appearance and my attitude. I head toward the ballroom where the event of the evening is taking place. An event that I had not been scheduled to attend, but I don’t care. I have to do this now.

I can’t wait any longer. I can’t waste another minute clutching to my pride.

And besides, I really hate cats.

The evening’s event is a charitable cocktail party where people pay the requisite donation and get the rights to say they had drinks with the elusive Colton Donavan. As much as I'm thrilled that the funds will be going toward a local St. Petersburg organization for orphaned children, I have a hunch that the attendees of this evening's event will be more concerned with trying to grab Colton's attention—or rather what's in his pants—than the kids their money will be helping.

I take a deep breath as I walk. My mind’s made up. I need to talk to Colton. Tonight. I need to either bury this or take a chance, trust him, and listen to what he has to say. Believe him when he tells me that he didn’t sleep with Tawny—that he’d never cheat on me. I silently rehearse the words I want to say. Nerves jingle in my stomach. I smooth my hands over my dress, turning the corner to the foyer leading to the ballroom and stop dead in my tracks when I come face to face with the one person I have dreaded seeing this entire trip. The one person I am most certain that Colton has purposely kept my eyes from even catching a glimpse of.

“Well isn’t this an unexpected surprise,” her unmistakable voice chides, causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up. It takes everything I have from launching myself at her. From slapping that smug, smarmy smirk off of her face and showing her how I really feel about her.

And I’m just about to lay into her when the gentleman passing by catches my eye and nods at me, a murmured, “Rylee,” on his lips—a corporate sponsor.

I nod back at him, forcing a slight smile in greeting, knowing that as much as I’d like to attack Tawny right here and show her what I think of her, I can’t commit the professional suicide that would result from it. And I know that Tawny knows it because she works her tongue in her cheek as her smirk widens.

“What?” she says, looking me up and down. “You’re finally ready to forgive Colton for his indiscretions?” She quirks her eyebrows, so much more than contempt dancing in her eyes. And it’s not lost on me that the word ‘indiscretions’ is plural. I stare at Tawny, so many things I’d like to spew at her running through my mind. I physically have to clench my fists to prevent them from reaching out and slapping her. Anger is so thick in my throat that words don’t come. Feelings—emotions—hatred overwhelms, but words don’t come.

“Did you think he’d change just for you, doll? Maybe you should ask him what or should I say who he’s been up to these past couple of weeks.” A sliver of a laugh escapes her botox enhanced lips as she takes a step closer. “Neither Raquel nor Cassie nor…” she raises her eyebrows with the insinuation of herself “…had any complaints in your absence.”

Her words shock me at first and then catapult me into fury. “Go to Hell, Tawny,” I grit out as I take a step closer to her, infringing well inside the bounds of her personal space. My hands shake. My blood rushes. She has singlehandedly replaced my hope of reconciling with Colton with unfiltered ire and absolute despair. What should I expect? She’s the one who took it from me in the first place.

I’m done. So fucking done. Just when I had worked myself up to believe that I was the one in the wrong—place the blame for all of this heartache on myself—here comes the truth, slapping me in the face. My hope splinters and falls to the ground around me.

“You know what?” I sneer, wanting to shove her up against the wall behind us and wrap my hand around her throat. “I don’t care who gets him anymore, but sure as hell, I’ll make certain it’s not you!”

She laughs coyly, my words not affecting her. “Well big shock, sweetie, you’ve already fucked that up since Colton’s mine for the rest of the night.” She smirks, winking at me before turning and walking off. I stand there watching her back as she retreats, and I can’t even begin to process my whirlwind of thoughts.

He’s been with other women? This whole time he’s been trying to win me back, he’s been screwing his exes? Teagan’s words from the gala come back to me. What an ass I am. I actually believed him that he wanted me back. That he was willing to change for me.

The Big Bad Wolf definitely has tricked Little Red Riding Hood.

The all too familiar feelings of hurt turned into rage course through me. Before, where I would have run and hidden, right now—right now—I want to unleash my fury on Colton. Unload on him and tell him exactly what I think. And although it’s not the right time or place, my feet obviously don’t give a flying fuck because before I know it I’m pushing through the entrance into the ballroom.

A woman on a mission.

When I enter, the venue is already full of patrons, seeing as this is one of the hot tickets for this evening. I scan the crowded room to try and catch a glimpse of Colton. It’s not hard—my body always seems to know just where he is regardless of location—but the congregation of people at the far corner, bordering on a small mob, confirms the hum that buzzes through my body.

A buzz at this point and time I wish would electrocute itself and die out because I’m done. I’m so fucking done.

I stalk across the room, my heart thumping in my chest, noting that cleavage, legs, and form fitting seem to be the dress code of the evening. I hear Colton’s laughter erupt from mob causing me to roll my shoulders and my stomach to churn.

As I approach the gathering of people, I swear the group parts with my approach and opens up to highlight the spectacle before me. Colton stands amidst a crowd of women who willingly seem to adhere to the dress code of easy. He is completely relaxed and obviously the unyielding center of attention in this circle. Both of his arms are casually draped over the two women at his sides with one hand holding an empty snifter.

Something about his smile seems off. His eyes aloof. Something missing from his expression. Maybe this is just Colton in full, public persona mode. Or maybe, by the looks of the empty snifters on the table behind him, he’s drunk.

I stand from a distance watching the display of estrogen edged with desperation, my rage building, and just when I’m about to walk up and interrupt the little gathering, Colton looks up and his eyes lock onto mine. Some unnamed emotion flickers through them, but it’s gone before I can really comprehend it. I take a step forward as a diminutive smile ever so slightly turns up one of the corners of his mouth. And very slowly, very deliberately, Colton leans down to the blonde on his right—his eyes still on mine—and proceeds to kiss her. And I’m not talking a peck on the lips. I’m talking a full-blown kiss.

Green eyes all the while held steadfast on mine.

I think my mouth drops open. I think a feeble squeak even escapes from between my lips. I know that all of the blood rushes from my head and into my veins. “Fucking bastard!” The words fly from my mouth, but they are so low, so grated, that I’m unsure if anyone even hears them.

I turn my back on him and rush from the room. The image burned in my mind of what I just saw. The bimbo’s face flickers and changes to Tawny. To Raquel. To the faceless, nameless others that Tawny threw in my face. I blow past a server, not caring that I almost topple his tray in my wake, and push through the closest exit I can find.

The tears that scorch the back of my throat threaten, but the anger firing through me burns them out. I have so much pent up rage—so much hurt—that I don’t know what to do. I walk toward one end of the empty room I’ve found myself in to find no exit.

A bubble of hysteria slips out as the song on the fucking speakers assaults my ears as I try to calm myself and look for a way out other than back through the ballroom. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room. Like that song couldn’t be any more perfect at this fucking moment.

I press my hands against a table in the hall and try to catch my breath. The replay of his mouth on that skank, so blatantly in my face, makes my stomach turn. What the hell am I doing here? Trying to reconcile? Who is this woman that I've become? And I was willing to compromise my own morals for him? I hear the door open behind me. I try to straighten up and dash away the tears from my eyes.

“Rylee…”

I glance back at Colton, so completely done with him. How many times am I going to walk headfirst into heartbreak without learning from my own stupidity? “Go away, Colton! Leave me alone!”

“Rylee, I didn’t mean it.”

This time I turn around. Colton stands a few feet from me, hands shoved deep in his pockets, shoulders hunched, eyes utterly apologetic. But I’m not falling for it this time. I cross my arms across my chest, a useless protection over my heart. “Fuck you! For someone so hung up on me, you sure do move fast, Ace! You definitely earned the nickname now!”

His eyes search mine, questioning my comment, but he doesn’t ask it once he notices my fists clenching and unclenching in anger.

“It’s not what you think, Rylee.”

“I’m so sick of hearing you say that! Not what I think?” I say, raising my voice. “I just watched you shove your tongue down some bimbo’s throat and it’s not what I think?” How stupid does he think I am? I start to laugh. Really laugh. Almost in hysterics, the push and pull of emotions from the day almost too much to bear. “Oh wait. You didn’t mean to with that skank, but you did with all of the others of your BBB that you fucked while trying to win me back? Pretending it was me you wanted? Just tell me one thing, Ace…did you get a good laugh at my expense?”

Colton grabs my upper arm, his fingers digging in to my skin. His grip is so tight that when I try to recoil from his touch, I can’t. “What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Talking. About?” he says quietly. “Who—”

“Raquel. Tawny. Who else, Ace? Cassie? Did they give you what you needed? Sit on their knees patiently and kiss your feet like a good girl should? Take what you give and shut the fuck up otherwise? Did you order the flowers for me in between screwing them?”

Colton’s fingers grip harder to the point that I think I’ll have bruises tomorrow. His eyes pierce into mine. “Do you mind explaining to me—”

“I don’t have to explain anything to you!” I yank my arm from his grasp. “To think I was coming down here to try and fix things between us. To apologize for being stubborn. To tell you I believed you.” I shake my head in defeat, and I start to walk away but turn back. Hurt consuming every fiber of my being. “Tell me something…you said they weren’t whores, but you pay Tawny a salary right?” I arch my brow and I know by the look on his face that my implication is understood.

“She works for me,” he says, releasing one of my arms and shoving his hand through his hair. “I pay her because she does her job. I can’t fire her because you don’t li—”

“Yes. You can.” I scream at him. “And it’s not that I don’t like her. I fucking hate her! You fucked her, Colton. Fucked! Her! I think your choice is pretty fucking obvious. Don’t you?”

“Rylee…”

“You know what, Colton? You make me sick. I should’ve trusted my gut instinct when it came to you the first time around. You really are nothing but a whore.”

When I stop and wipe the tears from my eyes that I didn’t even realize were flowing, Colton still remains standing there, his face stoic and his eyes hard as steel. When he speaks, his voice is low and unforgiving. “Well if I’m going to be accused of it—lose the one girl I choose because of her misperception and absolute obstinance—then I might as well do it.”

I stop mid-motion at his words. So sarcastic. So accusatory. I meet his eyes and my breath catches in my throat before closing them and taking a deep breath as his comment sinks in. My world spirals in black, looping with confusion that just became quite clear. It’s the first time that he hasn’t denied sleeping with her. He didn’t confess—I didn’t hear the words come from his mouth—but he didn’t deny it either. Pain staggers through my chest as I focus on trying to breathe—on trying to think—but he just keeps talking. My fractured heart shatters and splinters into a million pieces.

“This is how I’m used to dealing with pain, Rylee. I’m not proud of it, but I use women to cover up the hurt. I lose myself in them to block everything out.” He hangs his head for a second as my mind tries to grasp the shock waves his words create.

He’s just told me two things, and I’m not sure which one my scattered mind can focus on. His admission causes his comment from several weeks ago to float into my head. The comment he made in my house the morning after our first time sleeping together. How his 747 of baggage makes him crave the sensory overload of physicality—the stimulating indulgence of skin on skin. But why?

And at what point is a convenient explanation just a bullshit excuse for a playboy caught in his own lies? An opportune way for the man who always gets what he wants, to well, get what he wants. I can love the broken in him, but I can’t accept the lies any more.

“You told me the other day that we’re over. I’ll be the first to admit it’s fucked up, but I’m coping the only way I know how,” he says.

I search his face, looking so far within him that it scares me. I can see the pain in his eyes. Can hear the hesitation and utter shame in his confession. Is this what I want? A man who every time we have an argument or every time he gets spooked about our relationship turns to someone else? Runs off to another woman to help lessen the pain? I told him I loved him. I didn’t tell him I want to marry him and be the mother of his unwanted children for God’s sake.

“So you’re telling me that I’m so important to you that if you bag some unmemorable chick, you’ll forget me?” I shake my head at him. “That if we’re together, every time the going gets tough you’ll run off with Tawny or another willing candidate? Gee, you're really building the foundation of a great relationship here.” He tries to interrupt me, but I just hold up my hand to stop him. “Colton…” I sigh. “Coming to talk to you tonight was obviously a mistake. The more you talk, the more I’m really starting to realize I don’t know you at all.”

“You know me better than anyone!” he shouts, taking a step closer as I take one back. “I’ve never had to explain anything to anyone…I’m not doing a good job at it.”

“You can say that again,” I snip back at him.

“Let’s get out of here and talk.”

“Colton?” a seductive female voice calls to him from over my shoulder. Everything in my body tenses at the sound. Colton’s face blanches.

“Out!” He grates between gritted teeth at her.

I unclench my jaw and take in a deep breath. “Talking’s overrated. Besides, it’s obvious you found someone to help you bury the hurt.” I nod my head toward the door behind me. “And you know what? I think it’s time I try it too.” I shrug. “See if finding a guy for the night fixes everything like you seem to think it does.”

“No!” The pained look of desperation on his face upsets me, but I’m so far past caring right now. So far past feeling. So numb.

“Why not? What’s good for the goose and all that,” I say, adding another animal to the imaginary menagerie I'm building as he just stares at me. One last look. “Enjoy your cocktail party, Ace.”