Hate Me

MONDAY, DECEMBER 12TH

That many times.

7am

Annie comes running into our dorm room laughing while Katie and I are still getting ready. “Look what I got from my naughty Santa! Hold your hand out!”

Katie does as asked. Annie holds up a cute little plastic reindeer, hits a button, and the reindeer poops a chocolate turd into her hand.

“Oh, that’s gross!” Katie yells.

“But it’s chocolate!” Annie counters, which causes Katie to look closer at the reindeer poo and then pop it into her mouth.

“That’s good!” Katie says.

“Did you both sleep in?” Annie asks.

“Yeah,” I say. “I was tired.”

“Did Aiden wear you out?” Annie teases as she plops on my bed. “Tell us what happened.”

“It was more the whole week that wore me out. Dance practices, then the competition. Aiden and I shopped all day Saturday. I got all my Christmas shopping done, though. Speaking of wearing someone out. What did you and Jake do this weekend?”

“Partied a little. We did one night with everyone in Bryce’s room and then Riley took us to Stockton’s on Saturday night. Jake got a little drunk. He was so cute.”

“Cute when he was drunk?”

“He was more like tipsy, I guess. He just said some really sweet things to me.”

“Drunk words equal sober thoughts,” Katie says as she whizzes by us throwing books into her backpack.

“What does that mean?” Annie asks her.

“It means,” Katie replies, “that when you’re drunk you say things that you would be too chicken to say sober. For guys, that’s usually how they feel about you.”

Annie’s eyes light up. “Really? Ohmigosh. That makes it even better.”

“What did he say?” I ask.

She pulls her arms into her chest and hugs herself. “That he’s falling in love with me. And the best part about it is he isn’t just saying it to get in my pants.”

“Because he’s already in them,” Katie laughs.

I finish loading my bag and then sit on the bed next to Annie. “Are you both being careful?”

“We’ve used a condom every time,” Annie says. “I have too many life goals to risk getting pregnant. I also made an appointment with a women’s clinic in town so I can go on the pill.”

“That’s smart.”

Katie is sort of fidgeting. “Katie, what about you?”

“Well, Bryce doesn’t really like to use them, so usually he just pulls out.”

“Katie!” Annie and I both say together, horrified.

Annie continues. “That’s like playing Russian Roulette! Do you want to get pregnant?”

“No! But . . .” Katie starts to say.

“No buts,” Annie snarls. “I’m making you an appointment. We’ll go together.”

“I’m a little worried, actually. The other night he waited too long.”

Annie covers her eyes with her hands. “Katie!”

“Don’t chew me out. It’s not my fault.”

“It will be your fault if you get pregnant. It’s your body and your responsibility to protect yourself. We’re going to the pharmacy after school and buying you condoms. You will tell Bryce no condoms equals no sex. And pray that you’re not already pregnant.”

Katie lowers her head and nods. “Okay.”

I glance at the clock. “We better get to class.”

As I run out the door, I trip over a present lying there, wrapped with a pink bow.

“Open it quick!” Annie and Katie yell. “We want to see what it is!”

I tear open the paper to find a G-string made out of candy.

As we’re rushing to get to our classes, Annie says, “I like your present.”

“Yeah, it’s cute.”

“Does Aiden like candy?” Katie teases.

“Doesn’t everyone like candy?” I reply.

Aiden is waiting for me outside my history class and greets me with a kiss.

“Do you even remember me sleeping with you last night?” he whispers.

“I remember you getting in bed with me but that’s about it. I was tired.”

“You kissed my neck and told me it was your favorite place. The rest of my body is jealous.”

I laugh. “You’re silly. Did you get a naughty Santa gift this morning?”

“I did. What about you?”

“I did too. What did you get?”

He pulls dice out of his pocket and lays them in my palm, flipping them and reading. “Lick, suck, blow, kiss, nibble, tease. You roll this dice first. Then you roll for the body part you have to do it to.” He puts the other die in my hand. “Neck, lips, ear, toes, chest, and player’s choice. Wanna test them out tonight? Or should we save them for this weekend?”

“Tonight. After we get our homework done.”

“What'd you get?” he asks.

“Remember those candy necklaces you used to get when you were a kid?”

“Yeah.”

“I got a G-sting made out of it.”

He raises his eyebrows. “So I can eat the candy off you?”

“I think that's the idea.”

“You win.”

“Win what?”

“We’ll use yours tonight. Stockton’s? Riley's used that place almost every night. I think he should share.” He places his palm on the wall above my shoulder and leans his chest against mine. “I can just picture it. Candy thong and a pair of boots. Nothing else.”

“Mr. Arrington,” my history teacher says, “you need to get to class.”

Aiden gives me a quick kiss on the lips and keeps ahold of my hand. He holds it until he has moved too far away from me to keep holding it, looking reluctant to let go.

He’s so adorable.

As soon as I sit down in class, my phone buzzes. I cross my legs and hide it under the desk.

Hottie God: Remember the pool playing we did this weekend?

Me: Yes. You cheated.

Hottie God: I won fair and square.

Me: Yes, you did, but the rules were that the loser had to do something, um, nice for the winner.

Hottie God: The rules were made before someone was dancing half naked on the pool table.

Me: The halftime entertainment was your idea.

Hottie God: And a fucking brilliant one at that.

Me: Riley just told me Logan and Maggie have dibs on Stockton's tonight, but we can have it tomorrow.

Hottie God: Logan got six condom lollipops this morning.

Me: I thought they were waiting until after Winter Formal.

Hottie God: Maggie told him she wants to use all the lollipops tonight.

Me: Wow. That's a lot for one night.

Hottie God: We’ll need more.

The second I read his text warmth spreads through my body. Thoughts of what he did to me on the pool table are quickly overshadowed by thoughts of what else he wants to do to me.

Riley drops a note over my shoulder and into my lap.

I glance at the teacher before opening it.

#1. I don't know who my naughty Santa is, but I'm in love with her already. I got pink furry handcuffs. Do you think the house elves will know and install an appropriate headboard?

#2. Did you and Aiden do it this weekend?

a.) he seemed very chipper today.

b.) he wants Stockton’s for the two of you.

c.) is playing pool your secret code word for sex?

#1. I think house elves know everything.

#2. We didn't, but we had fun. We played pool. Strip pool. He won.

What'd he get?

Not telling.

Tell me!

Let's just say he has a talented tongue.

Ha! I knew it was something!

Hottie God: You haven't replied.

Me: I've never done it . . . like that many times.

Hottie God: Me either, but I know once we do, we won't want to stop. I've wanted you since the first day I saw you. I seriously had never seen someone so beautifully perfect until that moment.

Me: I have to admit, I'm nervous.

Hottie God: Why?

Me: What if it sucks?

Hottie God: No fucking way. What you should be prepared for is the fact that you're never going to want to be with anyone else ever again.

Me: That scares me too.

Hottie God: It does me too.

Me: You make me feel like no one else ever has.

Hottie God: And you're waiting for something bad to happen?

Me: I'm afraid it's too perfect.

Hottie God: Has anything about us been easy?

Me: Not really.

Hottie God: In six and a half minutes, I'm going to kiss the hell out of you. Just saying.

Me: Aiden?

Hottie God: What, baby?

Me: I think it's going to be amazing with you, just like everything else is.

Hottie God: Me too <3

I send a quick text to Camden.

Me: Any chance the house elves can install something your brother could attach furry handcuffs to?

Cam: House elves?

Me: We decided that house elves were responsible for forecasting our every whim.

Cam: LOL. They are :) I hear my brother is giving the place a proper workout. What about you?

Me: Winter Formal is coming up :)

Cam: Will Aiden be “coming up" there?

Me: I think so.

Cam: Bout time. How's P? Something’s up with her.

Me: She met a guy.

Cam: Where?

Me: Beach over break.

Cam: Hmm. What about Whitney?

Me: She's dating Shark.

Cam: That is a match I bet even Shark wouldn't have bet on.

Me: They seem really happy. She seems happy.

Cam: And Dawson?

Me: One word: Brooke. Hardly ever get to see him.

I’m walking down the hall toward English when Aiden struts up to me, puts his hands around my neck, and kisses me, exactly as promised.

Straight out of a movie.

Drama

I get a text from Cooper.

Cooper: You need to get a really bad cramp now. Go to the nurse. Make her call me out of class.

I do as he says, make my way in fake pain to the nurse’s office, and talk her into calling Mr. Steele.

I know by the look on his face when he walks into the nurse’s office that something is wrong.

Is Vincent on his way here? Is he already here?

No. If that were the case, he wouldn’t care about pretending to be a teacher anymore.

Which means he has news.

Bad news.

“Is my family okay?” I ask him as I pretend limp down to the Field House.

“Yes,” is all he says.

Once we’re safely in the training room, he says, “The guy who talked to Vincent’s assistant is a cop friend of mine. He just sent me something.”

“Did he talk to her again? Get something good on Vincent?”

“No, he’s a detective. A homicide detective.”

“Is Vincent dead?!”

“No.”

“Is his assistant dead?”

“No, um . . .”

“Just say it, Cooper.”

“One of the dancers from the club is dead. She was reported missing by her roommates when she didn't come home from work Thursday night. They found her body on the beach in Malibu.” Cooper glances back at his phone. “In front of a restaurant called Moon Beams.”

My heart stops beating.

“That’s the restaurant Vincent and I had dinner at. We sat on the deck overlooking the water. Which girl was it?”

“She’s new. Only been working there for about two weeks. She was off the night we were there.”

“So, she was murdered?”

“Yes. Her place of employment caught his attention, so he texted me earlier. Then he sent me this.” He holds up his phone, showing me a photo of a thin, tan waist with a glow-in-the-dark chaos tattoo just below the hip.

“I sent a bunch of custom glow-in-the-dark chaos tattoos to Marla. She liked mine because she thinks if they ever name the club it should be called Utter Chaos. Tell me this is just a coincidence.”

“You know what Garrett says.”

“He doesn’t believe in them.”

“Is it my fault she’s dead?” Cooper is being very careful with his words, and I realize there’s something he hasn’t said. “How did she die?”

“It’s not your fault, Keatyn.”

“How did she die, Cooper?”

He sighs then says, “Cause of death was asphyxiation.”

“She was strangled?”

“Yes.”

I swallow hard. “Was she raped?”

“No.”

“Cooper, what are you not telling me?!”

“After her death, she was stabbed numerous times. This type of stabbing is unusual to see on a woman.”

“Why?”

“Typically when a body is mutilated after death it is for one of two reasons. Usually, it’s out of rage. Like what you would see when a jealous ex commits the crime. In this case, the victim doesn’t have a jealous ex. Her boyfriend is devastated and has a solid alibi.”

“What’s the other reason someone would do it?”

“To send a message to the living. Like when a drug dealer wants to remind people not to cheat him, for example. The choice of weapon was also unusual. It’s a weapon usually used by women, but the depth of the stab wounds suggest a male killer. And the picture I showed you, with the tattoo, was of the only part of the victim that was not stabbed.”

“What was she stabbed with?”

“Scissors.”

My vision blurs.

My face feels hot.

A wave of nausea hits me.

My legs feel weak, causing me to sway.

Cooper grabs my arm and keeps me from falling, setting me down in a chair.

I put my hand across my forehead.

“You look like you’re going to faint. Look at me.”

I look up at him.

“Tell me,” he says.

“Vincent is sending me a message.”

“How so?”

“After he chased me in New York City, a picture of me was delivered to my mom’s hotel room. The picture had been stabbed with scissors. Have you told Garrett about any of this?”

“No, I just found out.”

“Call him. I have to go.”

“Where are you going?”

“I just have to get out of here,” I say. The training room suddenly feels very claustrophobic. “Get some fresh air.”

“Don't leave campus,” he says then tries to give me a hug.

“Don’t, okay? I’m fine. It's fine. Everything will be fine.”

Except it’s not.

It’s not fine.

At all.

I run out of the Field House, the cold air hitting my lungs and forcing me to suck in a big breath.

I wander aimlessly across campus, feeling numb.

Thinking about that poor girl.

About her poor family.

Her roommates.

Her friends.

And, mostly, that she’s dead because of me.

I find myself standing in the chapel.

No one is here, so I walk straight to the front, drop to my knees, and pray.

Pray for forgiveness.

Pray that it was a mistake.

That it had nothing to do with me.

That she didn't suffer.

I pray for her family.

For my guilt.

Then I go sit in the back.

I should be crying.

But I have no tears.

I pull my feet up on the pew, wrap my arms tightly around my legs, and rock back and forth.

My phone buzzes.

I robotically take it out of my coat pocket and look at it.

Hottie God: Heard you went to the nurse’s office with a hamstring cramp. You need me to help you stretch?

My hands shake as I text him back.

Me: i

Me: need

Me: you

I put my phone down and hug my legs.

Not crying.

Not moving.

Not feeling.

There is nothing.

Just.

Emptiness.

Loneliness.

Despair.

Keatyn.

I hear my name softly spoken, the noise breaking into my thoughts, but sounding very far away.

“Keatyn!”

I remain motionless, only moving my eyes toward the noise.

Aiden shakes my shoulder. “Keatyn!”

I don't move.

Instead, I start sobbing.

And sobbing.

Aiden puts his arm around me and rubs my back. “What's wrong? Are you in pain?”

I sob some more.

“I went to the field house first, but Coach Steele said you left. I texted you to find out where you were, but you didn’t reply. I checked everywhere.”

I can't speak.

I just keep crying.

A deep, emotional, guilty cry.

Aiden grabs my chin, roughly turning my head and forcing me to look at him.

“She's dead,” I whisper.

“Who's dead!?”

“Girl . . . Club . . . Stalker . . . Friend.”

“Keatyn, look at me! You need to tell me what happened!”

I shudder.

He presses his lips into my temple and whispers, “It’s okay, baby. Shhh. I'm here. It’s okay.”

His words calm me. I shudder again, but the sobs slow down.

“Tell me what happened,” he says quietly, his lips still against my face.

“Girl . . . Murdered . . . L. A.”

“Did you know her?”

“No . . . She danced at the club . . . The birthday party . . . Almost kidnapped.”

“Is this about your friend? Is she okay? Is she still safe from the stalker?”

“Yes, but. But . . .”

I sob again, unable to say it.

“Shhh,” he whispers again. He gently pushes my hair off my face, his lips never leaving my temple. “But what, baby?”

“After my friend left . . . Accidentally saw mom. Both shopping. New York City. Stalker was following Mom. Chased.”

“Chased your friend?”

“Yes. Cabs. Streets. Fast. Got away. Later. Mom. Package. Photo of friend. Stabbed with scissors.”

“How awful.”

I nod, completely agreeing with him. “The girl who . . . was killed. Like my friend.”

“And?”

“My friend did something.”

“What'd she do?”

“She went back. To the club. Knew stalker would be there. Danced. For him.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Tired of hiding. Trying to push. Get him to make a mistake.”

“I still don't understand why your friend thinks it's her fault a girl was killed. Sadly, murders happen in big cities like L. A. all the time.”

“Girl . . . stabbed with scissors.”

“Oh my god. That’s awful.”

“And . . . and . . . and.” I start crying again. “And . . . it was all my idea.”

“Take my hand,” he says, reaching out to me.

I’m still on autopilot, but my hand moves into his and he squeezes it tightly.

“Listen to me. It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known it was going to happen. Everything will be okay. I’ll help you.”

Somehow his squeezing my hand does make me feel like everything will be okay.

“I’m supposed to be somewhere. Class? Dance?”

“You’re in no shape for it.”

Aiden takes me to his room, where I lie on his bed and snuggle into his pillow, which smells just like his neck.

A few minutes later, Riley is sitting on the edge of the bed. “Cooper asked me where you are. He seemed worried.”

“I was with him—getting my hamstring stretched—when I . . .”

“I told him all about it,” Aiden tells me. “I have to get to basketball practice. Riley is going to stay with you until I get back, okay?”

He kisses my forehead and is heading toward his door when Riley squints at me. “Wait? So both you and your friend were stalked?”

Aiden freezes, turning around quickly. “What do you mean?”

My lies are unraveling before my very eyes.

“When we were in Miami, there was a guy who tried to grab Keatyn,” Riley says to Aiden.

I get tears in my eyes. Now, not only do I have to lie, but I have to lie about my lies.

“Riley, I lied.”

“Why?”

I put my hands in my face trying to figure out a new story, but my brain is fried.

Thankfully, Aiden sits back on the bed and starts telling Riley what I told him.

About my friend.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Riley asks, pushing my chin up so I have to look at him.

It’s easy to tell the truth to that question.

“I was shocked. I mean, it all happened so fast, and I was told—no, warned, sworn to secrecy—that if I told anyone about the stalker then he could find her.”

“So, where is she?” Riley asks.

I close my eyes again. “She's lost,” I say, simply stating how I feel.

“No one knows where she is?”

“They put her in witness protection, but she didn't feel safe anymore, so she left. She can’t tell me where, but she’s tired of being away from everyone she loves. Her family. Her friends. She wants her life back.”

“But what does that have to do with you?”

“It’s sort of another reason why I didn’t get to stay at my old school. She has this personal security firm that helped. They were worried that all her close friends could be in danger too. That he might hurt us to find her. It just worked out that Damian was away on tour and Brooklyn was leaving to surf. I had the option of coming here or going with my family. I chose here because I was worried about my sisters. She and I were really close. I’d be the natural target if he couldn’t find her. And, now, I’m responsible for a girl being dead because I told her it was time to stop running and fight back. My friend told me about the girl. Says she can’t handle it. The guilt. The fear.”

“Keatyn, you didn't do anything wrong,” Riley says. “You're just stronger than she is.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, if it were you, you'd fight back. You wouldn't just sit around and wait for something to happen. You'd make what you want to happen, well, happen. It's like what we just learned in history. How you never know what people will do when faced with danger. How they react like animals. Fight or flight.”

“Fight or flight?”

“He’s right,” Aiden says. “Your friend chose flight, but not you. You'd fight. You wouldn't let this stop you.” He wraps his hands around my fists and squeezes.

I smile at him. “You’re right. And you just gave me an idea.”

“What’s that?”

“Instead of her going to dance this week, I will.”

Aiden and Riley share a worried glance.

Aiden kisses me. “Stay here with Riley until I get back.”

The second Aiden closes the door, Riley narrows his eyes at me and says, “So, which one of us are you telling the truth to?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your story. It’s full of holes.”

“I know. I don’t want to lie to you. I just had to lie about this. I’m sorry.”

“That’s all you’re lying about?”

“Yes. I hate to lie. But I promised. And the lies are only for protection, so I hope you understand.”

“I understand. Now, move over. If you’re going to do something dangerous, I’m going to help you script it.”

I move over and lean against his arm while we brainstorm.

What we end up with is a scene straight out of a movie.

Which is pretty fitting, if you ask me.

Feeling horrible.

5:45pm

Aiden comes back from basketball with takeout food from the cafeteria. Potato soup for me and chicken fajitas for him.

He does our homework while I mostly just lie on his bed feeling horrible.

He makes me stay with him until it’s time for curfew, then walks me to my dorm and gives me a comforting goodnight kiss.

As soon as Katie is asleep, I go into the stairwell, call Troy, and tell him what I think happened.

“Oh, wow,” he says slowly. “I didn’t even put that together. Do you really think it was him?”

I tell him about the picture.

“Wow,” he says again.

“So, I need to know. Did he get one of the bouncers to bring him back there? Give her a card? Anything?”

“Uh, I don’t know. Let me check and I’ll call you right back.”

Ten minutes later, he calls me back.

“Yes. He asked one of the bouncers to give her his business card. Said he was a producer and would be interested in doing a screen test with her. From what I understand, this isn’t unusual for him. A lot of the girls admitted to doing screen tests and many have hooked up with him. They say he’s charming and a perfect gentleman.”

“Is the bouncer willing to tell all this to the police?”

“He will. He feels responsible because he helped her get the job.”

“Troy, if he isn’t arrested this week, I’m coming back Thursday to dance again. I want to honor her in a big way. Do you think the club and the girls would be willing to help?”

“Absolutely. We’re all still reeling. And we’ve been trying to figure out something to do for Leighton.”

“Leighton was her name?”

“Yeah, Leighton Wall.”

I close my eyes. Somehow knowing her name makes it even worse.

“I’m going to have a bunch of packages delivered to the club with your name on them. What time does the club open?”

“Ten.”

“Can you have all the employees there at nine?”

“Will do.”

“And Troy?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t tell Damian. I want to keep him as far away from this mess as possible.”

I know Cooper will probably have a fit about this, but I don’t care.

I toss and turn in bed, trying to sleep, but visions of Vincent, cages, and scissors haunt me every time I close my eyes.

I know there’s a very good chance that I might not come back from this trip.

That my fate might be the same as Leighton’s.

Aiden sneaks in my window sometime after curfew and pulls me into his arms.

I still don’t sleep, but I do realize there’s something important I need to do before I go back to face Vincent.

Just in case I don’t come back.

I slip out of bed, grab my phone, sneak into the bathroom, and send Sam an email with a very specific set of instructions to be carried out in a very short amount of time.

I end the email with a directive to meet me on Thursday afternoon.

Then I use the notes function on my phone and start writing.