His Diamond Bride

CHAPTER ELEVEN

MR ROYCE was understanding. ‘Your father’s right. It’ll help him to go home and live a more normal life, and you can look after him. I don’t suppose you’ll be sleeping here any more?’

‘No, I’ll be spending my nights at home now,’ she said.

He sighed and gave her a wry smile. ‘Just as I thought. Well, good luck.’

For a moment it was all there in his eyes, everything he’d felt but never said over the last few years. Then the shutters came down and he was once more Mr Royce, figure of authority.

Mark came home a week later and was installed in Sylvia’s old room. By now he was on his feet and able to take the bus with the assistance of Joe, who closed the garage for the afternoon to help him. They both reached home safely, followed in the evening by Dee.

Joe had even cooked the supper for her and they celebrated together, toasting each other in cups of tea. Then she ordered Mark to bed and he obeyed with comical meekness.

Over the next few weeks, things improved. Mark’s burns healed slowly but steadily. He could still manage many tasks in the garage, and having something to occupy his mind did him good.

Life settled into a pattern that was so strangely comfortable it seemed predestined. There was even a kind of happiness in the situation. Often Dee would awaken in the small hours and lie reflecting comfortably that Mark was there, safe under the same roof. It wasn’t the relationship she’d dreamed of, but it brought out the protective side of her nature. Whatever might happen in the future, he was here now, hers, to be looked after and kept from harm.

It was nearly five years since they had met and both of them had changed. The changes in him were clear enough, but she often wondered how she seemed to him. Surveying herself in the mirror, she saw no sign of the naive girl she’d once been. The person who looked back was a woman, settled in her successful career, in her life, and so mature that it was hard to believe she was only twenty-two.

One day, in the late afternoon, when Joe was out at a training session with the Home Guard and Mark was working in the garage, she made a cup of tea and was preparing to take it to him when a shadow appeared in the back door. It was Eileen, a young woman of her own age who lived a couple of streets away.

‘I just thought I’d drop in and see how you were,’ she said. ‘Haven’t seen you for ages.’

She was one of the crowd of girls who had sighed over Mark in the early days and, although she now devoted a respectable amount of time to chattering about nothing, Dee wasn’t surprised when she brought the conversation round to him.

‘I hear you’ve got Mark living here again. Fancy that.’

‘He’s working at the garage with Dad, and he boards here because it’s convenient.’

‘Oh, I’m longing to see him!’

‘Come on, then. I’m just taking him a cup of tea.’

From outside the garage, they could hear Mark singing tunelessly. There was no sign of him as they entered, only the noise coming from under a large car. Suddenly the noise stopped and Mark slid out from underneath. Dee heard a sharp intake of breath beside her and turned to see Eileen, her eyes fixed on Mark in horror.

Because of the warm day, he’d removed his shirt and his bare chest was visible. Eileen’s hands were pressed to her mouth and she was slowly shaking her head as though to say it couldn’t be true. Then she turned and hurried away.

The sight of Mark’s face as he understood that a young woman had fled from him in disgust, repelled by his disfigurement, made Dee want to commit murder. She slammed down the mug of tea and turned to pursue Eileen but Mark stopped her.

‘Let her go,’ he said wearily. ‘I must have given her a shock. I’m sorry; I wasn’t expecting anyone except you, and you’re used to the sight. I forget how dreadful I must look to anyone else.’

‘She had no right-’

‘It wasn’t her fault,’ Mark said simply.

He pulled on his shirt, buttoning it up to the neck so that none of the scars were visible. Then he sat down and dropped his head into his hands.

‘Just give me a little time to get used to it,’ he groaned. ‘It’s not the first time. It happened one day at the hospital. You were away for a moment and a nurse looked in with some dressings. I think she was a student, and not used to confronting horrors.’

‘You’re not-’

‘I know what I am. Don’t give me false hope. I’m like this for life and the sooner I accept it the better. If you could have seen that student’s face when she saw me… She went pale.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me about it?’

‘Because there would have been no point. This is the reality. This is what I am now, a man who makes women turn from him in horror.’

Dee was still consumed by anger on his behalf, and it drove her to do something that caution might otherwise have prevented.

‘Not this woman,’ she said, taking his face in her hands and laying her lips on his.

She was inexperienced. Beyond a few brief pecks, she’d known no other kisses but his and they seemed long ago. But now everything in her seemed to be alive with the awareness of his need, telling her how to move her lips against his so that he would know she cared for him, wanted him.

She tried to speak of desire so intense that his terrible scars couldn’t kill it, and for a few moments she thought she’d succeeded. His hands reached for her, touched her tentatively at first, then firmly, eagerly. She could feel him trembling. But then he stiffened, putting his hands on her arms and pushing her gently away.

‘No,’ he said hoarsely. ‘Not this.’

‘I’m sorry,’ she stammered, swamped by shame. ‘I only-’

‘You only thought you’d carry your nursing a bit further, didn’t you? Pity the poor patient, don’t let him suspect how disgusting he is. It’s all part of the cure. Well, I don’t want your pity, do you hear? I don’t want anyone’s pity. I don’t even want my own, and that’s tough because I’m drowning in self-pity and I don’t know how to-’ He shuddered. ‘Oh, to hell with you! Why did you have to do that?’

Thrusting her aside, he stormed to the door, stopped and looked back. ‘Marry that doctor. He’s reliable and respectable. Not like me. And you deserve the best.’

He walked away without giving her a chance to reply and she heard the house door slam as he entered. She didn’t follow him at once, knowing that he needed to be alone.

He’d given her a glimpse of the devastation inside his head, even if against his own will. She’d thought she knew the wells of despair and self-disgust that lived there, but now she knew the depths extended further than her worst nightmares. Everything he said was true. If she was wise, she would turn from him to Mr Royce, who could offer her a new life.

But Mark was still the one she wanted; now more than ever. And her resolution was growing. Once before she had lost him by giving in too easily.

She wouldn’t let it happen again.

On her way to bed that night, Dee stopped outside Mark’s room. Hearing only silence, she opened the door a crack and listened to his deep, even breathing. Finally satisfied, she backed away without a sound.

Inside the room, Mark lay tense until he was certain she’d gone. Only then did he relax, thankful that his breathing had been steady enough to be convincing. After the events of the day, he couldn’t have endured having to face her.

He fought to attain sleep. Once it had been so easy. In his untroubled youth he had only to lay his head on the pillow to be in happy dreamland. But that had been-barely five years ago? He was still in his twenties, technically a young man, but, as with so many of his comrades, the inner and outer man no longer matched.

The feeling of being at ease with life had slipped away from him so gradually that he’d barely noticed, until he found himself lying awake at night, which now happened unbearably often. In the hospital he’d been grateful for the sedation that silenced the demons. He could have taken a pill tonight, but he stubbornly refused. He knew Dee checked them every morning to see if he’d had any, and he was damned if he was going to let her know how desperately he wanted to. She already knew too much of his weakness.

At last he felt sleep coming on, retreating, drawing closer, teasing and tormenting, finally invading him, but only to torment him further. Now he was back in the damaged plane…heading back to the airfield…wondering if he’d make it…seeing the ground coming closer…almost there…then the explosion and the flames!

He fought to slide back the roof of the cockpit, but it was stuck. He couldn’t get out. He was trapped there while the fire consumed him-trapped in hell. He screamed and screamed but no sound came out. Nobody could hear him-he was abandoned.

‘Where are you-where are you-?’

‘I’m here, I’m here. Wake up-wake up!’

Hands were shaking him, touching his face, offering a way out of the nightmare. He reached for her eagerly, blindly.

‘Help me-help me. Where are you?’

Dee saw his eyes open, but vaguely, as though he couldn’t see her. He was shivering.

‘Mark-Mark, talk to me.’ She shook him. ‘Are you awake?’

‘I don’t know,’ he whispered. ‘The fire-the fire-’

‘There’s no fire. That was a long time ago.’

‘No, it wasn’t. It’s here; I can feel it-’

‘No,’ she cried. ‘The fire is in the past. It can’t hurt you now. I’m going to keep you safe. You’re safe with me.’

At last, recognition seemed to creep into his eyes. ‘Is it you?’

‘Yes, it’s me. I’m here and I’ll always be here.’

She felt him sag in her arms as though the life had gone out of him, replaced by black despair. She tightened her embrace, full of fierce protectiveness.

She’d gone to bed, sad at his rejection of the comfort she had to offer, but, just as she was fading into sleep, the air had been rent by terrifying sounds from the next room. She’d dashed next door to find him sitting up in bed, screaming violently into the darkness. She’d sat beside him, taking him in her arms, but that didn’t help. He’d seemed unaware of her, screaming on and on, caught in some terrifying other world where there was only fear and darkness.

She had switched on the bedside lamp, hoping that its light might bring him back to reality, but even when he looked at her she could tell he was still reliving his most ghastly moments, and she was torn by pity and frustration that she couldn’t help him except, perhaps, by being there, letting him feel her presence and draw from it what solace he could. If any.

‘I’m all right now,’ he said bleakly.

Gently, she laid him back on the bed and came closer, propping herself up on one elbow to look down on him.

‘Did I wake you?’ he asked.

‘I heard you being a bit disturbed. It’s not the first time but you sounded more troubled tonight than ever before. Were you dreaming about the fire?’

‘Not dreaming. Living. It was there all around me and I couldn’t escape. I was so scared, I screamed. Isn’t that funny?’

‘I don’t think it’s funny at all,’ she said tenderly.

‘But it is. It’s the biggest laugh of all time. I used to think I was so strong. I was a cocky, conceited so-and-so, but I know better now. Just a coward, screaming with fear.’

‘You’re not a coward,’ she said fiercely. ‘Any man would have nightmares after what you’ve been through.’

‘I told myself that at first, but they go on and on and I don’t know what to do. I’ll tell you something that will really make you despise me-’ He checked himself.

‘Don’t say anything you don’t want to,’ she told him.

‘No, you’re entitled to know the worst of me. When they said I couldn’t go back to the Air Force…I was…I was glad. Do you hear that? I was glad. Oh, I said all the right things about being sorry I couldn’t serve my country, but part of me was full of relief.’

‘So I should hope,’ she said crisply. ‘That merely shows you have common sense.’

He stared. ‘You’re not ashamed of me.’

‘No,’ she said, almost in tears. ‘There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Oh, please, Mark, forget all this. You did your bit. You served your country and it nearly killed you. You should be proud, not ashamed. You have a life ahead of you and when you’re fully recovered you’ll find a way to live it.’

He glanced down at his disfigured chest. ‘That will be hard when women can’t bear to look at me,’ he said.

‘That silly girl this afternoon doesn’t count. A woman who cared about you wouldn’t be troubled by this.’

Suddenly she became aware of a new tension in his manner, and the way his eyes flickered away from her. Looking down, she saw why. She was wearing pyjamas, and in her agitation she’d forgotten to check that the front was properly buttoned up. It had fallen open, revealing her naked breasts.

He was still averting his gaze. She took a quick decision.

‘Perhaps it’s you that can’t bear to look at me,’ she said. ‘Am I so ugly?’

‘You know better than that.’

‘But I don’t,’ she said softly. ‘How could I know?’

Slowly, he turned his gaze back to linger over her breasts, shadowed by the soft lamplight. Then he lay without moving and for a horrible moment she wondered if he was shocked by her forwardness, but at last he reached up to her.

At the soft touch of his fingertips on her breast she felt a blazing excitement go through her, unlike anything she had ever known before. It was the merest whispering caress, but it brought her to life in a way she’d never dreamed of. She heard a long gasp and only dimly realised that it came from herself.

She didn’t know how or where the pyjama jacket went, but suddenly he was touching her with both hands, taking her to another world where all the virtuous precepts of her rearing vanished without trace, and there was only this man and her desire for him.

Now all the textbooks were useless. Only her instincts could guide her, and they told her that he was coming to life, pulling away the rest of her pyjamas, then his own, infused with some feeling that made him forget caution, reticence, fear-forget everything except that he wanted and needed her.

For just one second reality seemed to pierce his dream, making him tense as he became conscious again of his scarred chest. Her answer was to lay her lips tenderly against it. She doubted if he could feel the gesture as his burns would have destroyed the nerves, but he would see it, and know that she was glad to reach out to him. When she looked up at his face again, she saw in it a look of wonder.

Then he was pressing her gently back on the bed, moving over her, parting her legs. She gasped at the moment of his entry, clutching him to her, silently saying that the infusion of new life was for him and only him. The moment when they became one was staggering, alarming, like being carried in a roller coaster, higher and higher, up to the heavens, until the devastating peak, and then the giddying descent, holding on to him for safety.

But there was no safety in this new world. There would never be safety again as long as she lived. And with all her soul she rejoiced at it.

She looked up at him, her chest heaving with pleasure, but, to her surprise and disappointment, he seemed troubled.

‘I’m sorry,’ he groaned.

‘But why? Why should you be sorry?’

‘It was your first time, wasn’t it? Oh, Lord, what have I done? I didn’t mean to…I never thought…’

‘Neither did I,’ she said. ‘And I’m glad I never thought. Thought has no place here. Mark, I’m happy. I wanted this. Don’t spoil it.’

‘Do you mean that?’ he asked cautiously.

She gave a smile full of delicious memory. ‘Yes, I mean it. Oh, yes, I mean it.’

‘Dee, I-’ He stopped, choking. Words had always come easily to him, but that was for trivialities, jokes, chatter. Now he longed to tell her of his fear that his skills as a lover had died in the fire and his passionate gratitude to her for helping him rediscover them, and he was suddenly dumbfounded.

‘Tell me,’ she said.

‘It’s nothing-nothing-as long as you’re all right.’

‘Yes, I’m all right,’ she assured him seriously. ‘I’m more than all right.’

‘You weren’t just-being a good nurse?’

‘Oh, Mark, stop it! You’re talking nonsense. As though I would.’

He managed a pale smile. ‘I don’t know. You take such good care of me, better than anyone else has ever done, ever, in all my life.’ He said the last words with an air of wondrous discovery.

‘Just the same, there are lengths even a good nurse won’t go,’ she assured him. Her physical sensations had come swiftly down to earth, but her emotions were still up there, dazed with the joy of being in his arms, feeling at one with him.

Perhaps he felt the same for he suddenly grinned. There was happiness in his smile, but also relief.

Suddenly, Dee chuckled. ‘You’ll have to marry me now,’ she teased.

At once his smile faded and he shook his head. ‘Oh, no, I can’t do that. I couldn’t do you such harm.’

‘Harm?’

‘Look, I understand that you were only joking, but we both know that I’d be a useless husband. Bottom of the class. The last resort. I only have a job now because of your father’s charity, and you’d have to nurse me for ever. I’d be a burden on you, and I can’t do that. Just don’t make jokes like that any more. All right?’

‘All right,’ she said with a little sigh that he didn’t hear. ‘Now, perhaps I’d better go back to my room. The patient has had too much excitement for one night.’

She scrambled back into her pyjamas and was gone without giving him the chance to say anything. After that, there was nothing to do but dive into her bed, hide as far as possible under the covers and curse her own clumsiness.

Why on earth did you have to say that about getting married? What happened to your common sense?

At last she pushed the clothes aside and sat up, eyes blazing into the darkness as she came to a decision.

This was no time for common sense! She had loved him hopelessly for five years, and it was now or never. And if it meant being a ‘bad girl’, so what? Hadn’t her own mother shown the way?

In the corridor outside, Joe stood tentatively glancing back and forth between the doors of Mark’s bedroom and Dee’s, both of which he’d heard open and close. He hesitated, as though uncertain what a good father would do at this point. When it finally became clear to him, he crept back into his own room and quietly closed the door.

Dee was late home the next evening, to find Mark at the bus stop.

‘Have you been there long?’ she asked. ‘You shouldn’t. It’s bad for you to stand about.’

‘Joe and I were concerned, even after you called to say you had extra duty. He’s got the kettle on.’

‘Mmm,’ she said blissfully, taking the arm he offered. ‘How lovely to be pampered!’

‘You can’t always be the one doing the looking after,’ he observed.

‘I’m not complaining,’ she assured him.

At home, she ate the egg Joe had boiled for her while they all discussed their day. Then they listened to the radio together. In some ways the news was heartening. The Allies had gone on to the attack, taking the airborne fight to the enemy and beginning to land forces in the occupied countries. But this carried a terrible cost.

‘How many aircraft have they lost?’ Joe murmured sympathetically.

‘Over a thousand,’ Dee sighed.

Mark cocked an eyebrow at her. ‘Did Mr Royce tell you that?’

‘I hear things from the patients.’

‘Ah, yes, of course.’ Mark said no more but his mood became a little glum.

Soon after that, she went to bed and lay listening. She heard the two men climbing the stairs, saying goodnight, going their different ways. After a while she heard Joe cross the landing to the bathroom, then the clank of pipes as he turned on the taps for a quick wash and finally the return to his room. A few minutes later the sounds were repeated with Mark.

Timing was everything. She waited until he’d left the bathroom and was just passing her door before going, ‘Ow!’

‘Dee?’ His voice came through the door.

‘Ooh!’ she moaned.

‘I’m coming in,’ he said, opening the door.

She was sitting on the bed, clutching an ankle which rested on her knee. ‘I twisted it,’ she said feebly.

‘How?’

‘I couldn’t say,’ she told him truthfully. ‘Rub it for me,’ she said weakly. ‘That’s it! Ah, that’s lovely.’

Something in her voice made Mark look at her more closely and see what she’d always meant him to see, that her jacket was open again and her nakedness was a blazing reminder of what they had briefly shared.

‘Dee-’

But it was too late. She let herself fall back on the bed so that the edges of material fell apart, exposing all the beauty he’d been trying not to think of since the night before.

‘Stop wasting time,’ she said, laughing up at him.

Nothing could have stopped him then. When her arms opened in welcome, he went into them like a man coming home, seeking something outside all his previous experience, something he could never have described in words, but which only she could give.

This time she had some idea what to expect and was ready for him, or thought she was. But he still surprised her, taking her to new heights while he looked into her eyes in a way that was new and wonderful, and which made her heart soar.

Afterwards, he didn’t draw away so quickly but lingered as though more certain of his welcome.

‘What are you thinking?’ he asked.

Dee had been wondering how she’d lived so many years without discovering this particular pleasure, but she judged it not the right moment to say so.

‘I’ve been thinking how nice it is to have my Mad Bruin back,’ she said. ‘Just as mad as ever.’

‘Madder,’ he assured her. ‘Much madder.’

She opened the drawer by the bed and took out the toy.

‘You hear that?’ she asked sternly. ‘You’re much madder. He says so, and he ought to know.’ She held the little bear to her ear, then said to Mark, ‘He wants to know what happened to his friend.’

‘I’m afraid I don’t know. Things got very confused.’

‘Of course,’ she said quickly. ‘And I suppose you could hardly keep her at the base in case anyone saw her.’

‘Right.’

Dee sensed Mark had become suddenly uneasy and made haste to yawn significantly.

‘You’re tired, I’ll go,’ he said and hurried away, pausing only long enough to drop a quick peck on her cheek.

When he’d gone, she gave herself a lecture about how foolish it would be to be disappointed. She was no romantic girl, but a warrior converging on her prey. Tonight had gone well. He’d come to her bed and done exactly as she wished. What more was there to want?

A good deal, she thought, but it’ll have to wait. Patience is the quality of great commanders, and I’m going to be the greatest of them all.

That thought made her feel so optimistic that she fell asleep at once.

One night she came home to find the house quiet. Mark was in the back room, kneeling on the floor, holding Billy in his arms.

‘Thank goodness you’re here,’ he said, his voice cracking in relief. ‘Billy’s going. The vet came this afternoon and he wanted to put him to sleep, but Joe and I said not until you came home.’

One look told Dee that she’d arrived just in time. Billy was lying patiently, eyes half open, but alert when she appeared, as though he, too, had been waiting for her. Mark handed him gently to her and retreated a little way, staying just close enough to keep a hand on Billy’s fur.

‘Goodbye, darling,’ she choked, holding his head and looking into the old eyes as they faded. ‘Thank you for everything. I love you so much-I’ll always love you.’

As though he’d been hanging on only to hear that, Billy’s eyes closed and his breathing faded to nothing as he fell asleep for the last time.

‘Billy,’ Dee pleaded. ‘Billy, please-just one more minute.’

But he was heavy in her arms and there was nothing to do but lay him quietly on the floor while sobs shook her and Mark took gentle hold of her.

‘We were lucky he lived so long,’ he said huskily. ‘Remember how he nearly hurled himself under my bike?’

‘Yes, but for you swerving we’d have lost him long ago. Oh, Billy, Billy!’

Mark held her close, resting his head against hers. She could feel him trembling and for a moment she wondered if he, too, was weeping, having loved the old dog so much. Then he seemed to have a coughing fit and turned hurriedly away.

‘Thank you for waiting for me,’ she said brokenly. ‘I couldn’t have borne not to say goodbye to him.’

‘Neither could I. Joe said his goodbye before he went out to training, then Billy and I had an hour together. I kept promising him you’d be home in time, but I was becoming afraid you wouldn’t. I’m so glad.’

He drew her closer still, for now she was weeping without restraint.

‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to-’

‘Cry all you want,’ he said gently. ‘He earned it, didn’t he?’

‘Yes, he did. He was my best friend. I’m going to miss him so much.’

‘You’ve got me. Of course, I know I’m no substitute for Billy-’

That made her smile, even through her tears. It felt so good to be here with Mark, taking comfort from his kindness, feeling close in a way that was rare. Their shared passion had brought them close but in a different way, one that lacked the sweet contentment that pervaded her now. If only it could always be like this. If only she didn’t have to tell him something that would change everything, either for better or for worse. But not yet. For the moment, she would treasure the feeling of being at one with him.

The sound of the clock striking made them draw apart, surprised at how much time had passed.

‘I’ll take Billy outside,’ he said, ‘and we’ll bury him tomorrow, when it’s light.’

He carried the dog out to the shed. As they returned, he said, ‘The house is going to be very quiet without him charging around.’

‘Not as quiet as all that,’ she murmured. ‘Mark, I’ve got something to tell you.’

‘Yes? What?’

Absorbed in her thoughts, she missed the hint of eagerness in his voice.

‘Well…after the way we’ve spent the last few weeks…how often we’ve been together in your room or mine…’

‘Dee, will you please come to the point?’ he asked tensely.

‘I’m pregnant.’

She waited for shock, dismay, she wasn’t sure what, but all she saw in his face was frowning concentration.

‘It’s very soon,’ he said. ‘How can you be sure?’

‘Most women couldn’t, but I’m a nurse, so-’

‘Of course, you’d know. Dee, I’m sorry.’

‘Sorry?’ she faltered.

‘I took advantage of your kindness. I should have behaved better, but…well, it’s done now and…’

‘And what?’ she asked, almost fearful.

‘You once joked that we’d have to get married. How do you feel about it now?’

‘Mark, for pity’s sake! Is that a proposal?’

‘I suppose it had better be. If you think you can stand being married to a bad character. I warn you, I’m no catch.’

‘Well, I’ve always known that,’ she said, exasperated almost beyond endurance. ‘I’ll just have to put up with you, won’t I?’

‘It’s a deal.’

Then there was a pause, during which neither of them knew what to say.

‘I can hear Joe coming home.’ Mark sounded relieved. ‘We’d better go and tell him.’

‘Yes, let’s.’

That was their betrothal.