His Pretend Wife

CHAPTER TWELVE

EVERYONE agreed that it had been the best night out ever. At home they toasted the occasion in hot chocolate before Daisy and Elinor chivvied the children upstairs.

‘Then I’m going straight to bed myself,’ Daisy said.

‘Me too,’ Elinor agreed. ‘Goodnight, Andrew.’

The jollity continued as they climbed the stairs and put their giggling charges to bed. They didn’t want the day to end, but at last they dropped off to sleep. Elinor kissed Daisy goodnight and went to her own room.

She undressed mechanically, trying to sort out her turbulent thoughts, but knowing it was impossible. Something had happened tonight that had brought about a change in Andrew. It had been happening gradually, she realised, but tonight was different. On top of the wheel he’d spoken of having no courage, but he’d acted like a man who’d finally decided to take his courage in his hands.

When the soft knock came on her door she knew she’d been listening for it for a long time.

Andrew stood there looking hesitant until she stood back for him to pass. He was still dressed in the trousers and shirt he’d worn all evening, the shirt open at the throat. He had something in his hand.

‘There’s something you ought to see,’ he said, offering it to her.

It was an envelope, containing the very photographs Myra had described to her over the phone. Elinor went through them slowly. There were the two of them in each other’s arms, oblivious to whoever had been holding the camera, oblivious to all the world but each other.

‘We were so young,’ she murmured. ‘I always knew that I was, but you too-I never realised. Why do you bring me these now?’

‘Because I understand you already know about them.’

She stared at him. ‘Myra?’

‘She called me and said she’d spoken to you earlier.’

‘Did she tell you what she’d said to me?’

‘The gist of it. Enough to make it clear that I couldn’t put this off any longer. There’s so much I want to say to you, and I’ve delayed saying it in case it drove you away.’

‘Is it about the past?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you think we should risk it? Is there any more to say?’

‘There’s this to say. Ellie-do you think you can ever forgive me?’

‘Shouldn’t it be me asking you for forgiveness?’

‘No. Everything that happened was my fault. You were so young. You wanted to enjoy yourself and explore life, as you had every right to. And I tried to tie you down long before you were ready.

‘Everything you said about me that day was right. I tried to order your life to suit myself. My only excuse is that I knew how badly I needed you. You were my lifeline to the rest of the world. I’d put work and study before everything, and I’d ignored a whole side of myself to do it. Then you brought that part of me back to life, and I knew I had to keep you with me, at all costs. But what I never saw, or wouldn’t let myself see, was that the cost was paid by you.

‘I drove you into Jack Smith’s arms. But for me you’d never have looked at him. Which means that all the bad things that have happened to you since then have been my fault.’

‘No, that’s too hard. What about what I did to you?’

‘Nothing I didn’t deserve. If I’d been more patient, instead of grabbing at you, we might have stayed together, and been together now.’

‘Andrew, that time I went to the island with Jack, nothing happened. He tried, but he got his face slapped. I wouldn’t have done that to you.’

‘Thank you. It’s odd, after all these years, how much it still means to hear you say that.’

‘I wanted you to be the first, and you should have been.’

‘Yes, if I hadn’t been so smugly determined that my way was right, we could just have found a flat together until you were ready to commit yourself.’

‘Lived as brother and sister, you mean?’ she asked, gently teasing.

‘Blow that! I could barely keep my hands off you, and you made it as hard as you could.’

She stood still a moment, thinking of that time and the life they might have had. ‘If only…’ she said longingly.

‘There are a million if onlys,’ he said, stroking her hair.

‘If only we’d met a few years later. Just think-’

‘I do think,’ he said harshly. ‘And then I try not to think of it, because it’s the way to go mad. For a while after it happened I believe I actually did go crazy. I turned myself into an automaton. I shut off every softer feeling because I had no use for them any more. When I allowed myself to feel emotions again I made sure they were kept in neat order.

‘But then I saw you that day in the hospital corridor, and my whole orderly world went haywire. When we talked and I heard how you’d been forced to live I knew what I’d done to you. I was beside myself, but at least I had the chance to help you. I thought I’d do the operation, Hetta would recover, we’d go our separate ways and I’d feel better about you.

‘But then you were homeless, and the temptation was too much for me. I told you a fairy tale to get you here, and I trapped myself because I didn’t dare visit you. I was afraid if you knew the truth you’d run away. But I longed to come here. I wanted to see you in my home, as you always should have been. I used to think of you, living here, and pretend that you were my wife. Foolish, eh?’

‘Not so foolish as you think,’ she murmured, remembering her own pretence.

‘What was that?’

‘Nothing,’ she said hurriedly. ‘Go on.’ She was holding her breath for whatever came next.

‘Then you called me, and I came over that night, and it all went wrong. You were so upset about the money, and when you came to my bed-you don’t know how much I wanted you. But not like that. Not because you felt you owed me.’

She stared. ‘Is that what you thought? That it was a kind of payment?’

‘What else could I think? You so hated taking anything from me, especially money. And then there you were in bed with me, and I thought I heard you saying all the sweet things I wanted to hear from you. I didn’t know whether you were really saying them, or whether it was just a dream. I’d had that kind of dream so often. Then I awoke and you were making love to me, and I thought you were doing it as some kind of duty. It was a nightmare.’

‘But it wasn’t that at all,’ she breathed. ‘You were wretched and I wanted to be close to you, and love you. When you pushed me away I thought I’d embarrassed you because you didn’t want me.’

‘Didn’t want you?’ he echoed. ‘There hasn’t been a moment in the last twelve years when I haven’t loved you and wanted you, even when I wouldn’t admit it to myself. But after that night I felt I’d driven you off. You started planning to leave, but then Myra turned up with Simon, and suddenly I had a second chance. If you knew how my heart sank when you started talking about being my housekeeper and child-minder, and contracts of employment.’

‘I was trying to tell you I wouldn’t throw myself at you. I thought it would relieve your mind.’

‘But I asked you to marry me.’

‘To hold onto a good employee. That’s what you said.’

‘Yes, that’s what I said. I thought you didn’t care about me. I played it cool just to get that ring on your finger. After we were married I could tell you I’d loved you all the time, and always would. Well, anyway, you didn’t fall for it, so I changed tack. There had to be some way to woo you. Then I remembered it was your birthday, the anniversary of the day we’d met, and there was the funfair and maybe I could-’ He broke off and sighed. ‘I haven’t improved, have I? I’m still thinking about what I want, trying to grab you, and never mind whether you love me or not.’

‘You thought I didn’t love you?’

‘I was sure of it-until today, when Myra told me some of the things you’d said to her. And then I began to hope.’

‘Hope? I loved you with all my heart. I wouldn’t marry you because you just wanted a secure employee.’

Andrew looked at her, his heart in his eyes. ‘Oh, Ellie,’ he said. ‘How we misunderstand each other. We always have. Shall we ever get it right? Or shall we keep getting it wrong and love each other anyway?’

His words had a curious effect on her. It was what she’d longed for, but suddenly all she could see was that the past had made the future confused, perhaps impossible.

‘Andrew-’

‘What is it, my darling?’

She backed away from him. ‘Don’t say things like that.’

‘But why? Unless I’ve fooled myself and you can’t love me again.’

‘I still love you,’ she burst out, ‘but maybe it’s too late. How can we get it back-what we had? The people we were then don’t exist any more.’

‘Ellie-Ellie-’

‘Don’t call me that,’ she cried. ‘She’s dead, gone. I can’t be Ellie any more.’

He took hold of her. ‘Look at me,’ he said, raising her face and brushing back her hair. ‘Let me see your face. It’s the face I’ve always loved. It hasn’t changed with the years except to become sadder and gentler. It’s still beautiful, still Ellie, still my love.’

He kissed her before she could reply. Then kissed her again. She stopped trying to struggle and relaxed in his arms, knowing she had no power to fight something she wanted with all her heart. The problems were still waiting for them, but first she would enjoy her love.

‘Ellie…’

‘Yes, my love, yes-’

‘Do you still want me?’

‘Always.’

He slipped off her robe. Underneath was one of her matronly nightgowns, which she wore almost as a uniform these days, but his fingers got to work, undoing the buttons and pushing it so that it fell to the floor, and there was the body he loved.

‘Did you think you could hide from me like this?’ he murmured, his lips against her skin. ‘You could dress like an Eskimo and I’d still pick you out from a million as the most beautiful woman in the world.’

Twice before she’d offered herself to him, but only now could he accept the gift. She sensed his eagerness as she undressed him in turn. When they were both naked he drew her down onto the bed for the loving that had waited too long.

After all these years they approached this moment as strangers, hopeful but unsure. He was broader, less wiry, more powerful than she recalled, but with a gentleness that was unchanged. Time and sadness had added a new dimension to her, and he searched her face as he made love to her, seeking to fathom her secrets, knowing that in the end it couldn’t be done.

She had told him that he should have been the first, but in one sense he was. After two husbands he was still her first true lover, the first man to take her into another world and show her wonders. It was awesome, almost alarming, but when she looked into his face she knew she could never be afraid as long as he was with her.

She saw something else too-that in her arms he’d found the fulfilment no other woman could ever have brought him. When their closest union was over, and they lay side by side, it wasn’t the end of love-making, merely a different stage. She had never known that such peace was possible. In the moments after desire was fulfilled and the fire faded, only love and tenderness were left.

‘I told you I wouldn’t let you go,’ he said softly as she lay cradled in his arms. ‘And now I never will. Let’s get married quickly.’

She stirred. ‘Andrew, wait, please. It’s a little soon to start talking about marriage. We’ve only just found each other.’

‘That’s why it’s so important not to lose each other again.’

‘I don’t want that either-’ she tried to sit up but he drew her firmly down beside him ‘-but we could lose each other again if we’re not careful. No, listen to me-’ She fended him off as he tried to kiss her. ‘After twelve years we’re different people, and we don’t really know who those other people are. We both have years of secrets.’

‘There’ll never be any secrets between us from now on, I promise. If we know that we love each other the rest can come. Darling-’

He stopped, seeing the sudden unease in her eyes, and his hands fell from her.

‘Oh, no!’ he said, in a horrified voice. ‘I’m doing it again, aren’t I? Trying to hurry you into doing what I want.’ He got up with a convulsive movement. ‘And if you listen to me it’ll end the same way.’

‘Darling.’ She slid quickly across the bed to where he was sitting on the edge. It hurt her to see him troubled. This was important to her, but she moved swiftly to comfort him, putting her arms about him and resting her head against his back. ‘Don’t make so much of it. I just want a little time to know you, and not make the same mistakes as last time. I love you. I always will.’

‘Then why-?’ He checked himself quickly. ‘Never mind, we’ll do it your way.’ He turned back to her, revealing himself at an angle that aroused her immediate interest.

‘Whatever I want?’ she asked, craning her head to see better. ‘Anything at all?’

He stroked her head tenderly. ‘Your wish is my command.’

‘In that case, come here.’ She pulled him towards her.

Andrew tensed suddenly.

‘What is it?’ she asked.

‘I thought I heard a noise.’

They listened together, but there was only silence in the darkened house.

‘Come back,’ she said, drawing him close again.

But the next moment they both heard the noise, footsteps coming up the stairs and the sound of a voice that they both recognised.

‘Thanks a bunch, Daisy. Don’t worry, I know my way.’

‘I don’t believe it,’ Andrew said, appalled. ‘It can’t be.’

‘I’ve got a terrible feeling that it is,’ Elinor breathed.

The next moment the door opened. Andrew had just enough time to pull the sheet over him before Myra swept into the room.

‘Surprise!’ she cried.

‘Myra, how did you get here?’ Elinor asked, aghast. ‘You were in Detroit this afternoon!’

‘I didn’t actually say I was.’

‘No, you never did,’ she realised.

‘I arrived yesterday to stay with Uncle Elmer. He wanted me here for his big weekend.’

‘Never mind that,’ Andrew said hastily.

‘Which means you haven’t told Ellie.’

Elinor looked at Andrew. ‘Secrets?’ she asked quietly.

‘I’ll explain later,’ he growled. ‘Not with her here.’

‘I got suspicious when you weren’t at Uncle Elmer’s weekend,’ Myra said.

‘Maybe I was trying to avoid you,’ Andrew suggested.

‘Oh, no, darling. Uncle Elmer’s house party is a step up the ladder, and you’ve never missed one of those. You wouldn’t risk damaging your career just to avoid me.’

‘Why should a house party affect his career?’ Elinor asked.

‘Because Uncle Elmer is about to nominate his successor, and he has rather old fashioned ideas about surgeons. He doesn’t think medical skill is enough. To him a heart surgeon should be a great man who rides loftily above the rest of society.’

‘Rubbish,’ Andrew snapped.

‘But you should have been there,’ Elinor cried.

‘Tonight was the big banquet,’ Myra said.

‘Tonight I had something better to do,’ Andrew said.

‘Go to a funfair, I believe. And for that, you snubbed his big weekend, full of the medical glitterati. And I asked myself why you’d do that. Not just because you don’t believe in his ideas. In the past you’ve always done whatever came next, so why not now?’ Her eyes flickered over Elinor. ‘And I thought I knew the answer. So I came over to see if I was right.’

‘And now you know you are, I suppose you’re going to make hay with it,’ Andrew growled. ‘Well, do your worst.’

‘No,’ Elinor protested, ‘Andrew, I know what it means to you-’

‘It means nothing to me beside you,’ he said. ‘Let her tell him anything she likes.’

‘And I’ve got a fair bit to tell him, haven’t I?’ Myra mused. ‘Some people might call this little set-up an unprofessional relationship. Ellie isn’t your patient but her daughter is. And moving them into your house, bringing Ellie into your bed-I think the General Medical Council would have a field day.’

‘Myra, you wouldn’t,’ Elinor cried in horror. Surely she couldn’t have been wrong about Myra, who had seemed good-natured despite her touch of hardness?

‘I might,’ Myra said. ‘I might do anything, unless, of course, you draw my claws before I do it.’

‘I see,’ Andrew said in disgust. ‘Blackmail.’

‘Hmm. A kind of.’

‘So what do you want?’

‘Well, if you two were to tell the world that you were going to get married it would all become quite respectable, wouldn’t it? It wouldn’t matter what I said. Even Uncle Elmer would approve.’

‘But-’ Andrew hesitated, then said with difficulty, ‘about getting married-there’s a problem-’

‘Oh, don’t be stupid, darling, of course there isn’t. Don’t tell me the two of you are going to make the same mistake again. Andrew, when we talked this afternoon I gave you the key to Ellie, but something told me you were going fumble it. Why, I can’t imagine. She’s not going to run out on you this time. She’s as nuts about you as you are about her.’

‘Myra,’ Elinor protested, almost laughing as she realised that Myra was, after all, a good, if unorthodox, friend, ‘it’s not that simple.’

‘Yes, it is. Things usually are simple. You see what you want and go for it. Open your eyes, Ellie. Think what’ll happen to Andrew if he loses you again? He isn’t a man who loves easily, or often. It was his misfortune, and yours, that he met the “one and only” when she was too young. The time was all wrong. Now it’s right.’

‘It’s just that we thought we’d spend a little time getting to know each other first,’ Elinor tried to explain. ‘We’re older now, and we want to go carefully.’

‘Whatever for?’ Myra demanded, aghast. ‘Honestly, sweetie, that’s not the way. Just cut the cackle and get on with it. And make it as soon as possible. Next month would be nice. Cyrus and I are coming over here for a publicity do, and I wouldn’t miss your wedding for anything.’

Elinor clutched her head. ‘This conversation is making me dizzy. How can you be saying these things to me? You were his wife.’

‘But I’m not his wife any more. Or if I am, poor Cyrus is deluding himself. I’m sure I married him. Yes, of course I did, I sent you the pictures. By the way, I’ve got some wedding cake for you all downstairs. All right, all right,’ she said quickly, seeing the fulminating look in Andrew’s eye. ‘I’m very happy, and I’d like to see you both happy too, which, of course, would be the best thing for Simon.’

‘And the best for you,’ Andrew observed cynically. ‘Cyrus really doesn’t want your son by your first marriage spending too much time with you, does he?’

‘That depends where he is,’ Myra said thoughtfully. ‘It’s fine at Disneyland because he and Simon are about the same mental age and they can enjoy it together. But at other times Simon would be distinctly in the way. But he loves it here with both of you and Hetta. He’s told me so when we’ve talked on the phone. OK, OK, I’m a selfish cow who doesn’t want her son cramping her style. But I do love him, and I’d like to see him settled in the place he wants to be.’

They stared at her, thunderstruck. In the silence Myra’s cell phone shrilled and she answered, ‘It’s all right, Uncle Elmer, he’s here, but I don’t think he can talk now. He’s got some important business going down. You can call him tomorrow and give him the good news.’

She hung up. ‘All right, I’ve said my piece. Now it’s up to you two. Just get on with it.’

She embraced Elinor. ‘I’m going now, but you and I will be seeing each other quite often in the future, since you’re going to be stepmother to my son.’

‘Am I?’

‘Of course you are. We just settled it. Didn’t you notice? Is Simon in the same room, by the way? I’d better drop in on him before I go.’

She blew Andrew a kiss, waved and headed for the door.

‘Myra,’ he said quietly, ‘thank you for everything.’

‘Just don’t forget to invite me to the wedding,’ she told him. ‘I want to give you away.’

She slipped out and from the corridor they heard her say, ‘Simon, darling, there you are! Guess what. Daddy and Ellie are getting married. Isn’t that lovely? Hetta, dear, you’ll just love being a bridesmaid. Pink satin, I think. You’ve got the perfect complexion for it.’

Her voice faded.

Silence.

‘Well,’ Elinor spoke cautiously, ‘pink satin isn’t so bad. As long as she doesn’t bring Hetta to our wedding in scarlet satin.’

He put his arms around her and spoke beseechingly. ‘Darling Ellie, you don’t have to-’

‘Of course I do. We both do. It’s all been decided. And Myra was right. We should just cut the cackle and get on with it. What was I fretting about?’

‘You’re not angry that I kept the weekend a secret? Telling you would have felt like emotional blackmail.’

‘No, I’m not angry. I can just hardly believe that you took such a risk.’

‘To blazes with Elmer and his glitzy weekend. I wanted to ride on the big wheel with the girl of my dreams. Just like last time. Some things are still the same, Ellie.’

‘But think what it might have cost you?’

He held up his hands before her. ‘I’ll stand or fall by what these can do, not my ability to wear a dinner jacket.’

‘Did I hear right? Did Myra say something about good news? I think you got it anyway.’

‘Really? I wasn’t listening. This is more important. My dearest love, once I tried to pressure you into marriage. I didn’t even ask you properly the first time, but I’m asking now. Ellie, will you marry me?’

She took his face gently between her hands.

‘Yes, my dearest. I will.’