How to Save A Life

Chapter 22

The words came out a lot easier than he'd expected. "I wasn't sure if I was ready to have kids, but, hey, it'd happened, so I was kind of getting used to the idea. Actually"--he gave a mirthless little laugh--"I'd started to look forward to it. It was kind of cool."

Marli was still studying his face, and he pushed her head down against his chest, unable to bear the pity he knew he'd see in her eyes. "It was pretty tough," he said, in outrageous understatement. "My marriage was destroyed, I was no longer going to be a father, and my brother had betrayed me. That was almost the worst thing. It was humiliating, even at work. People felt sorry for me. My family was devastated. They were pissed at Travis, which they should have been, and they felt sorry for me and it was brutal."

"It must've been." Her fingers moved on his shoulder in warm, comforting circles.

"I was hurt, angry, sad. I was so furious, I was mad at the whole world, not just Lisa and Travis."

"Oh, Trey. How do you possibly get through something like that?"

"Not very well. I was stupid. I didn't give a shit about much, except for catching Sheldon Barnes. I worked all the time and like I told you, if I wasn't working, I was drinking." He paused. "I could almost numb the pain with enough booze."

"Did he...kill her? The woman in the bar that night?"

"No. Lucky for her, she got away. But..." He couldn't say it.

"What about the people in the other car? Were they okay?"

"Yeah, lucky for them, too. But I got suspended from my job, lost my license for six months, went through torturous rehab. When my suspension was up, I could drive again, so I bought a new vehicle I couldn't really afford and decided to take one more month and go see Kent in San Francisco. 'Course, I never made it there."

"Oh, Trey, you've been through hell." She was silent, stroking his shoulder softly. "Is this the first time you've talked about it?"

"Basically, yeah. The bureau sent me for counseling, but it was too raw to talk about it back then. I had no one else to talk to. I couldn't face my family. I wasn't going to work, and that was fine because it was humiliating just to see the look of pity on everyone's face."

His marriage was over, but there really had been no closure. He'd never spoken to Lisa again since that night, even though she had now given birth to his brother's child. Lisa was irrevocably a part of their family, whether married to him or not, whether he liked it or not.

He'd gotten the e-mails and voice mails from his family, telling him he now had a nephew, but he'd never responded to them. Didn't know what to say. Couldn't bear to see the pity in everyone's eyes, couldn't face Travis who was now a father to what should have been his baby. He waited for the familiar ache in his chest that always accompanied that thought. But it wasn't there. Huh.

"And you still haven't talked to your family about it?"

"Christ, no. Don't you see what a fucking mess it is? Lisa had the baby a month ago. He's part of our family. She's part of our family."

"But you're divorced, right?"

He hesitated. "Um...no. No, actually."

Marli went very still. "Oh."

She'd been sleeping with a married man. She was in love with a married man. She drew away from him, taking the sheets with her to cover her nakedness. She pushed back and sat up.

"I went to see a lawyer right after it happened," Trey explained. "He was going to start working on the divorce. Then all that other shit happened and I just didn't care enough to bother with it."

"Oh," she said again. "Were...are you hoping you two will get back together?"

He ran an agitated hand through his hair and leaned his head back against the headboard. "Christ, I don't know."

That wasso not the answer she'd wanted to hear.

She wanted to hear an emphatic "No!" Not that ambiguous response. Her heart hurt so bad she couldn't breathe.

"Well, your trip to San Francisco didn't turn out so well," she said lightly. "I'm sorry about that."

"God, Marli, don't."

"Well, it is my fault. Although, you could've just left. I never really understood why you stayed around."

He closed his eyes. "Don't you see, Marli? Krista would still be alive if I hadn't fucked up that night and let Barnes walk right by me."

She turned to stare at him. "You blame yourself for Krista's murder?" Wow. She turned that concept around and around in her mind, looking at it, thinking about it. "Hey, buddy, that's my turf."

"You don't have the market cornered on guilt," he said wearily.

She nodded. Well, that sort of explained it. Once he'd found out what was going on, guilt had made him stay and try to fix things.

Just like she'd been trying to do. She knew only too well the power of guilt to make you do stupid, irrational things. It was almost funny, and she started to laugh, but it was hollow laughter, her throat burning, eyes stinging.

"You are such an idiot." She stabbed a finger into his chest, and he looked at her in surprise. "Yeah. You are. You already told me Krista's murder wasn't my fault. What the hell are you thinking, feeling responsible?" She smacked his shoulder. "Jesus, how stupid can you be?"

His eyes went wide with shock. He stared at her speechlessly.

"I guess you expected me to be all sorry for you. Poor Trey. Well, I'm not. You're acting like a big baby."

"What!"

"You are. Wallowing in self-pity, running away from your problems. You haven't dealt with your wife, your brother... anything. And you won't deal with me."

"What the... That's bullshit."

"Think about it, Trey." She glared at him. "I love you. I know you care about me."

"Don't love me," he shouted. "I'm not worth it. Look at me!"

She gave him a long look, her heart tight in her chest. "I'm looking at you. And I'm seeing a man who is strong and caring and protective, someone you can count on, someone who saved my life. More than once."

"That's not what you said a minute ago," he muttered, shifting his eyes away from hers. "Marli, I have nothing to offer you. Who knows what's left of my career after all this. I'm married to another woman; my family is a mess. Christ."

"I know. But I love you anyway." Her lips twisted. "Don't worry, Trey. I'm not going to cry, or beg, or stalk you or anything. But you need to know how I feel. I'm sorry if you don't like it."

"Oh, Christ, Marli, don't."

Her chest rose and fell with each long, painful breath she took as they stared at each other.

"I thought when you found out how I screwed up and let Barnes get away, you'd be mad at me. Hate me."

She slowly shook her head, frowning. "I'm not mad at you for that. How could I be?" She could imagine his pain, his suffering after finding out the child he was looking forward to having with his wife was that of another man, his own brother. Fury rose in her toward his brother and his wife. How could they have done that to him? And then, he'd tried to save that woman in the bar. Sure, he'd screwed up, but he'd been trying to save a life.

"You were hurting," she said. "You weren't even working that night. You were trying to do a good thing, but you made a mistake. Everyone does."

He shook his head, looking doubtful.

"You told me it's not my fault that Krista was killed," she said. "Well, it's not your fault either. It's Sheldon Barnes's fault." She poked him in the chest. "His fault. He's the murderer. Not me. Not you."

They stared at each other for a long moment, but suddenly she was overcome by exhaustion, limp with fatigue, heavy with despair. "We should get some sleep."

Once again, she rolled to the edge of the mattress and pulled the covers up to her chin.

When she woke up in the morning, she and Trey were plastered against each other, hot and sticky, his hand holding hers tightly beneath his cheek as he slept. She watched him, a deep, aching sadness squeezing her heart until his eyes flickered and he awoke, too.

When they'd packed and checked out, he said, "We can pick up some food on the way." He tucked his credit card back in his wallet.

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat." He took her bag from her and led the way to his car.

Bossy as usual.

It was a long, quiet drive back to LA.

When they arrived in Rocky Harbor that afternoon, Trey took her first to get her car. After she got out of his vehicle, she turned, leaning on the door. "You don't have to come back to my place. I'm good from here."

"I'll make sure you're home safe," he said, not looking at her.

She shrugged and slammed the door shut, then walked over to her own car. He followed her home and pulled into her driveway behind her.

She unlocked the front door, disarmed the alarm system she'd almost forgotten about, and dropped her purse on the table. Trey came in behind her and set her bag down. She turned to face him, smiling brightly.

"I'll take this upstairs for you," he said.

She started to protest, then relented. "Thanks." He climbed the stairs.

She wandered around her condo. It was such a relief to be home. It would be a while before she felt normal. Hell, after everything that had happened she would probably never feel normal--or how she used to feel, anyway. Things that happen change a person, she reflected, trailing a hand over the shiny granite counter in her little kitchen. Having your best friend brutally murdered. Having a psychopath try to kill you. Falling in love... Those were all definitely life-altering events. She sighed.

"So." Trey was back. "Get that back door fixed."

"Yes, sir!" She saluted him, and he rolled his eyes.

Her smile faded. He was leaving. She knew it.

Her heart hurt, felt like it was cracking wide open in her chest, so painful she almost couldn't breathe. They stood there looking at each other, and she fought the tears stinging her eyes.

"Just go!" she finally burst out and turned her back on him so he wouldn't see the tears spill over. He came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders. She shrugged them off. "Please, Trey, don't drag this out. It's killing me."

"I'm sorry."

Not only was she heartbroken, she was pissed. How could he be such an idiot? She swiped her hands across her eyes. "Just go. If you're not man enough to deal with your problems, if you're too chicken-shit to admit your feelings, I don't want to be with you."

He went very still behind her. She immediately regretted her words. Hell, it was the truth. Blunt. Honest. If it hurt his feelings--ha! Like he had any feelings--too bad for him. Why should she be the only one in pain?

She turned to him, looked at him for a long moment, searching his eyes, studying the strong line of his jaw, the firm lips that could look so forbidding but give so much pleasure, the rough, dark stubble on lean cheeks, his short, dark hair standing in all different directions from running his hands through it. At this moment her biggest regret was she'd never photographed him and would only have memories of his image.

She put her hands on his face, feeling his rough warmth, and he closed his eyes and turned his mouth into one palm, kissing her there.

The pain was agonizing, the sweetness of his touch almost beyond bearing. She swallowed a sob, and he leaned down to kiss her mouth, softly, tenderly. She opened for him, drank him in, touched her tongue to his to taste him one last time. Then he touched her cheek and leaned his forehead on hers for a brief moment.

"I love you," she whispered.

Then he was gone, and she slumped back against the counter, feeling like her heart had just been ripped out of her chest.