How to Save A Life

Chapter 23

Trey'd been back in San Diego, back in his ugly, bare, rented apartment with its drab furnishings, for two days. It seemed like years since he'd been there, but it was only a week. It seemed so incredibly dismal, he wondered why on earth he'd stayed there.

"You're acting like a big baby."

Marli's forthright words played over and over in his mind, in sharp contrast to the pity he'd gotten from others and how they'd danced around any mention of the subject. He had to admire the way she just put things out there.

Including her feelings for him. He sat on his cheap couch, rubbing his face. He didn't deserve her love. He was starting to realize Lisa and Travis' affair hadn't been the sole cause of the disintegration of his. He had some responsibility, too. He'd known that all along, but just hadn't wanted to admit it.

He apparently wasn't very good at relationships, and Marli deserved better, with her sweetness and caring. But damn it, it had been so hard to leave her. It was wrong of him to want anything more with her. Happiness like she deserved was so far out of his reach he shouldn't even be thinking about it. But he wanted it. He wanted her. He wanted to be worthy of her, to be the man she saw him to be.

He cracked another beer. Then he stared at the bottle in his hand. He was headed back into some very bad habits.

Beer wasn't going to save him from his thoughts.

He had another whole week before he went back to work. His gut cramped at the thought of returning, of how his co-workers would look at him, and treat him.

Who the hell cared what they thought?

Marli wouldn't.

He finished the beer, then dropped the empty onto the carpeted floor. Fuck.

He stared up at the ceiling.

"Who's going to make the first move?"

He heard her voice again. It was so real, it was like she was in the room with him. He was going insane.

He sat up, shook his head. This had to stop. Now.

He knew what he had to do.

If it felt like years since he'd been to his apartment, it seemed like eons since he'd been to the home he'd shared with Lisa. She was still living there, she and the baby. He hadn't wanted the house, hadn't wanted anything, just wanted out.

She opened the door and stood there wide-eyed, open-mouthed. "Trey!"

He forced a smile. "Hi. Can I come in?"

She let him in and he followed her into the living room. He looked around and saw new baby paraphernalia--a car seat sat on the floor near the door, blankets and small toys scattered around. He looked at Lisa, the question in his eyes.

"He's right over there," she said, nodding toward a little bassinette. "Sleeping."

Trey forced himself to go over and peek in. He was still so tiny, eyes scrunched closed, little fists curled up. He gazed down at the baby, his nephew, Lisa's son, and tried to sort out all the emotions tangled inside him. And he knew. Knew this small life didn't deserve to be screwed up.

"He's a handsome little dude," he said finally, smiling faintly at Lisa. "Are you both okay?"

She nodded. She looked tired, wearing loose clothes over a body that was different than he remembered, and sadness shifted inside him.

"If you need anything--you and Aidan--you can call me. I know Travis plans to be here for you, but if he's not, if you need anything..."

She nodded slowly. "Thank you."

"Can we talk?"

"Sure," she said. "Would you like something to drink? Coffee? Iced tea?"

"No, thanks."

She moved farther into the room and took a seat in one of the chairs. He sat on the couch.

"I...I'm not sure why I'm here, exactly." Trey leaned forward, elbows on knees, hands clasped. "I just know I have to get on with my life and we've never talked about what happened. I just wanted to tell you that I know I wasn't a very good husband and I'm sorry for not being there for you."

She was silent, fingers twirling a lock of her long, dark hair. "You weren't a bad husband, Trey. But you're right...you weren't there."

"I'm sorry." How to explain that? Yes, his career was important to him, but it never should have been more important than his wife. He had to face the fact he had used his career as an excuse to not be there, not wanting to deal with the fact he didn't feel the same about Lisa as he had when they'd got married. He didn't know what had happened. He loved her, but in an affectionate, friendly way.

"Chicken and egg thing," he said, getting a confused look from her. He explained. "I didn't want to be at home because I didn't want to face the fact our marriage was over, but maybe if I'd been home more, our marriage would've been better."

"I'm sorry, too, Trey." She spoke with choked emotion. "I shouldn't have done what I did. I was lonely, but that's no excuse. I know if there were problems in our marriage, I should've talked to you about it, not someone else. And especially not your brother."

"I felt betrayed," Trey said, with difficulty. "But it's also a form of betrayal when you withhold your feelings, withdraw, don't share your feelings, hopes, fears and I guess we're both guilty of that."

"That's true." She looked surprised. "Wow, Trey, I can't believe you just said that."

He couldn't believe it either. Marli--he'd betrayed her that way, too. His chest ached.

"I felt like you let me down," Lisa said. "You weren't there and didn't seem to care. It was just all so...exciting. Travis was interested in me. He was there; he listened to me. He made me feel special. Desirable." She wiped her eyes with her fingertips. "You'll never know how guilty I feel about what I did. And not only have I messed up your life, my life and Travis's life, but I've messed up Aidan's life, too." Her voice broke. "He's so little and he doesn't deserve that. He hasn't done anything."

"We'll make sure his life isn't messed up," Trey said hoarsely. He cleared his throat. "I've been thinking about that. Sheldon Barnes' mother screwed him up because of all the nutso things she did to him. Look what happened to him." He shook his head.

"You're not comparing me to his mother!"

"God, no, that's not what I meant at all," he said hurriedly. "I'm just saying, what happens to a kid early in life affects him always. Yeah, our family is messed up right now, but we don't have to ruin Aidan's life. That's why I'm here, and I'll make sure Travis is here for you and for Aidan, or I'll kick his butt."

She laughed through her tears. "Okay."

He wasn't sure if he could forgive Lisa and Travis for what they'd done. Maybe some day. Forgiveness wasn't necessarily forgetting--that would certainly never happen--but maybe forgiveness was just committing to not dwell on what had happened. Maybe replacing painful, angry thoughts with positive thoughts about Aidan and the possibilities of his life would lead to forgiveness. Trey was determined he would never take out all his hurt and anger and feelings of betrayal on the little guy sleeping peacefully across the room.

"You're a good man, Trey," Lisa said.

Enough people kept telling him that, he might actually start to believe it. "Nah. I've made a lot of mistakes."

"Everyone makes mistakes. But we can learn from them."

He considered it. Sure, that was the cliche. But maybe he could learn to be a better husband, a better person, someone Marli could deserve.

"Trey, I don't know if you can ever forgive me, but we could try to start over."

He looked at Lisa and knew the answer to that deep inside him, and it had nothing to do with betrayal or forgiveness.

"It's too late, isn't it?" Her face shadowed with sorrow.

He nodded. "I'm sorry."

He had many other things he had to do. See his lawyer. His doctor. His supervisor. And most of all, his family. First, his brother.

Travis's mouth dropped when he opened the door to him. "Trey."

Trey wasn't sure how to handle this. "Hey."

"You're...back. We saw you on TV." He stood aside and motioned Trey into his apartment. "You finally got that bastard."

Trey nodded, ran a hand through his hair as he walked in. "Yeah. Finally."

"So..." Travis swallowed, eyes looking everywhere but at Trey.

"We need to talk."

Travis grimaced. "Yeah. I guess so." Trey took a chair, while Travis lowered himself to the couch. "I guess I should start. With an apology." He leaned forward, arms on his knees. "I don't know what else to say, except I'm really, really sorry, Trey."

There was a long silence, fraught with tension. "Why, Travis? Why'd you do that?"

"It's not a question of why I did it," Travis answered slowly. "It's more, why didn't I stop. I didn't set out to steal your wife. It just kind of happened. I'd drop by to see you and you were never there, and Lisa was. She was kind of lonely. We'd go out for coffee. We talked."

He hung his head. "I've always liked Lisa. Even before you two got married, but honest to God, I'd never have deliberately done anything. But she was there, and available and lonely, and it just happened.

"It's not an excuse," Travis added. "There is no excuse. I'm just telling you what happened. And I'm sorry. I should've done the right thing and just walked away. But I'm not strong and perfect like you."

Trey snorted, rolled his eyes at that.

"You have a nephew, Trey. You should see him."

"I already did." He paused. "You and Lisa?"

Travis shook his head. "We're not together. I'm going to be in Aidan's life, but things didn't work out with me and Lisa," he said gloomily. "She doesn't feel that way about me." He met Travis's eyes. "I think she's still in love with you, Trey."

Sadness pushed down on him. "We fell out of love a long time ago."

Silence weighed heavy for a moment.

"Mom and Dad are worried sick about you," Travis said. "So's Julie. You have to talk to them."

Hearing that reminded him of Marli and the things she'd said to him, and then he remembered... "Get up," he said.

"Huh?"

"Get up," he repeated in a hard voice, standing. His fists clenched at his side. Travis slowly stood. Trey moved around the coffee table and with a lightning-fast move, he drove his fist into his brother's gut.

Travis doubled over, moaning, then slumped into the chair.

"Get up!" Trey snarled again, nudging Travis's foot with his own.

"I deserve that," Travis croaked, huddled on the sofa, clutching his stomach.

Trey grabbed his brother's shirt and hauled him up. "Tell me you've always practiced safe sex," he snapped, his face right there in Travis's.

"What?" Travis struggled to get his wits back.

"Safe sex. Condoms. Tell me you always use them."

"Yeah. Yeah, of course I do."

"How'd Lisa get pregnant?"

"I swear, we used a condom," Travis said desperately. "It broke or something."

"And every other girl you've slept with?"

"Condoms. Always. I swear."

Trey threw him back down in the chair. "And did any of those break?"

"No!"

"You'd better be telling the truth."

Travis panted, staring at him.

Trey rubbed his forehead. Using his fists wasn't exactly improving his communication skills. What the hell was he thinking. "Sorry," he muttered.

"Feel better now?"

He glanced up and saw Travis's mouth twitch. A slow smile stretched his own lips. "Yeah, I do."