Letting Go

THIRTEEN

DASH carried Joss up the stairs, impatience simmering in his veins. He kept telling himself to take things slow. No matter what Joss said—demanded—no matter how much she said she wanted him not to hold back, he tempered his urges, not wanting to fuck this up. Not when he finally held all he desired in his arms.

He gently deposited her onto the bed and stood back, staring down at her gorgeous body. Her eyes were drugged and heavy with desire. Yearning. Her hair was splayed out over his pillow and her body. God, she was beautiful. She’d said she hurt, that she ached, but God, so did he.

His dick was about to come out of his pants. He wouldn’t be surprised if his erection tore right through his jeans.

He had to be patient because if he wasn’t careful, the minute he touched her, the moment he finally got inside her, he’d come violently and it would all be over within thirty seconds.

He wanted this to be fucking perfect. He wanted to tease and torment Joss until she was desperate for release. Though she’d said she wanted him not to hold back, she wanted his dominance, wanted him to exert his control and authority over her from the start, he knew he couldn’t do it. Not yet.

This first time had to be perfect. He wanted to lavish his love on her. He wanted to make love to her. There would be plenty of time for sweaty, mindless fucking, but no, even when he allowed himself to lose his tightly leashed control, it wouldn’t be fucking. It would never be something so crude with Joss.

When they made love, no matter the circumstances, whether she was bound and helpless or if he flogged her pretty ass until it was rosy with his marks, it would be something beautiful. Just as beautiful as she was.

“I don’t even know where to start,” he breathed.

Always he was in control. His restraint was something that never failed him. He was confident in his abilities to please the woman he was with. He never faltered. Never hesitated. But now? He felt like he was making love for the first time in his life. That he was an untried virgin with no idea what to do with the veritable feast of womanhood that lay before him.

As he pondered those thoughts, the realization came that this was, in fact, the first time for him. His first time to make love. His first time to have sex when his emotions, his heart, were involved. He’d never been in love with the women he’d been with.

Desired them? Yes. Aroused? Absolutely. But his heart had never been involved to the extent it was with Joss. He was terrified of doing the wrong thing. Of touching her wrong. The pressure he put on himself was overwhelming. The fear of failure. Of not making this as perfect as he wanted.

It was a hell of a position to be in. His heart’s desire within touching distance and he was too afraid to take the plunge.

Joss, sweet, loving Joss seemed to know exactly what he was thinking—feeling. She smiled and extended her hand, an invitation for him to come to her.

“It’s all right, Dash,” she said, her smile as soft as her silky skin. “I’m nervous too. But we’ll get through this together. I trust you to make it beautiful—perfect. How could it be anything else between us?”

He let out a groan, pissed at himself for allowing his uncertainty to show. Some Dominant he was when he was paralyzed with fear over touching her.

Then he lowered his body to hers, allowing his weight to press down on her, but he propped himself up on his forearms so he wouldn’t crush her. She was tiny and delicate, so much so that she looked as though she could be broken if handled too roughly. But it wasn’t her body he was most concerned about. It was her heart. Her emotions. He didn’t want to overwhelm her. He didn’t want her to fear him. Never that. Anything but that. He couldn’t bear it if she ever looked at him with fear in her beautiful eyes.

Holding himself up on one arm, he traced the lines of her face with his free hand, committing to memory every second of this first time. He could scarcely comprehend that she was finally his. That she was in his bed, naked, and that he’d be making love to her in just moments.

He hadn’t wanted her to be overwhelmed, but in fact, he was utterly overwhelmed himself.

“I’ve waited so long for this,” he said, his voice cracking with emotion. “For you.”

She smiled and turned her cheek into his palm, nuzzling farther into his touch. Then she pressed a kiss against his hand, just a simple, sweet gesture that turned his heart over in his chest.

“Make love to me, Dash,” she whispered, her eyes burning brightly. They glowed in the soft light of the bedroom, alive with answering desire.

He lowered his mouth to hers, inhaling her scent as he tasted her lips. He pushed in with his tongue, licking over hers, exploring her mouth.

He was so hard that it was painful. He had to get rid of the barrier between them. He wanted his flesh against hers. Wanted to feel her softness and her warmth.

“Give me a minute to get out of these clothes,” he murmured against her lips. “Don’t move.”

She smiled again and stretched, lifting her arms above her head. It was a gesture of surrender. Was it intentional? A signal of her submission?

He removed his clothes, nearly tearing them in his haste. Her eyes widened when his erection sprang free from constraint. He glanced down and winced, understanding her surprise. He was harder than he’d ever been in his life. His dick strained upward, so swollen and tight that the veins were clearly outlined. The head was nearly purple and already liquid leaked from the tip.

He didn’t dare touch himself. He didn’t trust himself not to spend himself right then and there.

“You have a beautiful body, Dash,” she said shyly, color blooming in her cheeks.

He felt heat stain his own cheeks, embarrassed by her scrutiny. Never had he felt self-conscious about his body before. He kept in shape. Took care of himself. He wasn’t normally modest, but it was important to him that Joss appreciated his physique. Maybe that made him vain, but he wanted her approval. He wanted her to want him every bit as much as he wanted her.

“You’re who’s beautiful,” he said sincerely. “So damn beautiful you make me ache, Joss.”

She arched her body in silent invitation. He needed no urging. He moved swiftly to the bed, no thoughts of dominance. Of commanding or arranging her in a submissive position. Tonight all he wanted was to have her. To seal the relationship beginning between them. Dominance—her submission—could come later.

“Spread your legs, honey,” he said huskily. “Let me see that pretty pussy. I want to taste you. I’ve been dying to taste you. I want you to come in my mouth. All over my tongue.”

She trembled and chill bumps danced across her skin. Her nipples beaded and puckered, an invitation for him to taste.

He wanted it all. And before the night was over, he’d taste every inch of that delectable skin. No part of her would go unexplored. He’d know what pleased her, where her pleasure points were.

He was dying for her to taste him as well. To have her mouth wrapped around his dick, her tongue lapping at his balls. But there was plenty of time for that. They had all the time in the world. Soon. Soon, he’d have complete mastery of her body. He’d have her complete obedience and submission. But tonight was all about her. Sating her desires, showing her how good they could be together.

When she hesitantly parted her thighs, giving him a clear look at her feminine flesh, he saw moisture gleaming on the delicate folds. Satisfaction gripped him. She wanted him. Was highly aroused. He desperately wanted to push into that sweet pussy, to feel her heat consume him, grip him like a fist. But he forced himself to exercise restraint.

Instead he closed the distance between them, crawling onto the bed between her splayed thighs. Unable to resist, he ran a finger through her folds, lightly grazing her clit before circling her tiny opening.

She arched upward like a shot, her reaction intense and immediate. She gasped when he continued his careful exploration. He dipped one finger inside, barely rimming her entrance. She was dripping with desire. So wet and moist. He could take her now. She was certainly ready. But he wanted her mindless. Completely out of her head before he took them both over the edge.

Savoring the thought of ultimate satisfaction, he continued touching her, petting her, bringing her closer to orgasm. When she began trembling, her entire body tightening, he drew away, giving her a moment to come down.

“Dash . . .”

His name came out needy, desperate. He chuckled and kissed the inside of her thigh, lightly grazing the skin with his teeth. She shivered again, already working back up to release. He planned to take his time, savoring every second of this experience.

Using his fingers to gently part her folds, further exposing her to him, he leaned down, inhaling deep, absorbing her scent. A low growl worked from his throat. He was desperate for her. He wanted to dive in, devour her with his mouth and then later his cock.

His balls ached with the need to possess her. And then an unwelcome thought intruded, ripping him from the fantasy of fucking her long and hard. Another groan, this time of dismay, ripped from his mouth.

“What’s wrong, Dash?”

Her worried question had him raising his head. He sighed, disgusted with himself for not addressing this sooner. For not even thinking about it. He’d been so wrapped up in securing Joss’s consent, so focused on the act itself that he hadn’t given any consideration to protecting her.

“I’m so sorry, honey. God, I could kick myself in the balls for this. I can’t believe this didn’t come up before now. I gave no thought to protecting you.”

Her brow furrowed in puzzlement. She didn’t understand what he was getting at.

“Birth control,” he said gently. “I have no doubt that you’re safe. I’m not worried about getting anything from you and you have nothing to fear from me. It’s not that I want to use condoms. Hell, I’d give anything not to have to use them. But we have to consider pregnancy, Joss. And if you prefer me to use condoms, I will, absolutely. Whatever you want.”

Her cheeks bloomed with color and she averted her gaze a moment. He hated that the moment was spoiled. They were both so into it that this unwelcome intrusion was like a slap in the face, effectively stifling the mood.

“I don’t want to use them either,” she said softly. “I don’t like them. Carson . . . We used them at first, when we were first together, but I’m sensitive and they made me . . . dry.”

It was obvious she was embarrassed by the intimacy of their conversation. Her cheeks flamed with color and she wouldn’t meet his gaze.

“I don’t want to do anything to hurt you,” he said. “I want you to be comfortable. If we have to wait, we will. I won’t use something that you won’t enjoy.”

“I’m safe,” she said. “I was on birth control when Carson was alive. He didn’t want children. At least not right away, and as I said, condoms weren’t an option. I never went off them, even after he died. I probably should have. It’s not as though I anticipated having a sexual relationship with anyone. I couldn’t. But it was habit and it never occurred to me to go off them. They regulated my periods and made them more bearable for me. Before I went on them, my periods were difficult. They were irregular and for the weeks I was on them, it was awful. I was moody, I hurt and the cramps and headaches were unbearable. For a time, I had to take pain medication just to make it through my period. My doctor advised that I go on birth control even before Carson and I were married, but I hesitated because I feared not being able to get pregnant when I went off them. I’ve read a lot that it takes some women a long time to get pregnant after going off birth control and I wanted children very much. I was disappointed that Carson was so resistant, but when it was evident that he wouldn’t bend, I really had no choice, no reason, not to go on birth control, especially since condoms weren’t an option.”

“I understand,” Dash said, relief gripping him. “And are you okay with being with me without condoms? I’m safe, honey. I can provide you my medical history. I’ve never been with any woman without condoms. Not even once. And I have regular checkups. But there hasn’t been another woman in a long time.”

Her eyes softened. “You don’t have to justify your sexual history to me, Dash. And yes, I’m okay with you not using condoms. I trust you. And you already know there’s been no man for me since Carson.”

Her face flushed again and she ducked her head.

“He was my first. My only. I was a virgin when we met. And when he found out, he insisted we wait until we were married. And since our courtship was such a whirlwind, it wasn’t as though we had to wait long. He wanted to marry me much sooner than he did. If he’d had his way, we would have been married within weeks of meeting. It was me who insisted we wait. I wanted him to be sure.”

“And not yourself?” Dash asked.

“I was sure of him,” she said softly. “I knew he was the one. I loved him—fell in love with him from the start. But I wanted him to be certain. I didn’t want us to rush into a marriage if he wasn’t absolutely certain that I was whom he would be happy with. And I wanted him to be happy. He had such a hard childhood. He deserved to be happy.”

Dash’s heart turned over all over again. He was seized by his own love for this special, generous woman. Most women would have jumped at the chance to marry Carson Breckenridge. Wealthy. Handsome. Successful. And he loved to spoil Joss. He did so shamelessly. From the very start. Yes, Dash had his own set of reservations over the speed of Carson’s relationship with Joss. Carson was his best friend and he hadn’t wanted him to get hurt. He, like Joss, well knew of his past. His horrific upbringing.

But all reservations had fled when he’d seen firsthand how fiercely loyal and devoted Joss was to Carson. She didn’t have a mercenary bone in her body. She’d insisted on continuing her job as a nurse even though Carson had pressed her to quit from the moment they started dating.

She’d persisted, however, because she hadn’t wanted it to be perceived she was with Carson for his money. It was only after a year into their marriage that Carson had been able to persuade Joss to quit. And he’d done so by telling her of his desire to have her all to himself. So she could travel with him on the many business trips he took. When Joss was working, she’d been tied to her schedule and she couldn’t up and leave on a moment’s notice.

It had frustrated Carson, because he’d wanted Joss with him at all times. And so he’d pressured her into quitting so her time would be his.

Dash had worried that Joss wouldn’t be happy once she quit her job. She was a natural in the medical field. Her specialty had been pediatrics, and before she’d married Carson, she’d planned to go back to school to become a nurse practitioner.

All of that had changed the moment Carson entered her life. Did she have regrets? Did she have the desire to complete her training and go back to work? It was something he’d discuss with Joss later. Right now he wanted to reestablish the mood that had been broken by his boneheaded move.

“You deserve to be happy again,” Dash said tenderly. “And I’d very much like a part in making that happen for you. If you give me the chance, Joss, I’ll make you smile again.”

At that she did smile, her eyes lighting up, transforming her entire face into something so blindingly beautiful that it took his breath away.

“You already make me smile, Dash. You make me feel . . . beautiful. I haven’t felt beautiful in a very long time. Thank you for that. For giving me that part of myself back again.”

He kissed her belly and then peppered a line down to the apex of her thighs.

“You don’t need me to make you feel beautiful, honey. You’re so gorgeous it hurts to look at you sometimes. Never doubt that. You don’t need any man to make you feel beautiful. You are. That’s a fact.”

She sighed and rolled her hips as he once more parted her folds and gently blew over her clit. Then he flicked his tongue over the taut bud, delighting in her instant, honest response.

He loved that she held nothing back. No part of herself. She put it out there, making herself vulnerable. He would protect her always. Shield her from any and all hurts. He would encourage her to be herself with him always because he’d always protect her heart and soul. With him, she could be anything at all. He’d never judge her. Never hold her back. He loved her too damn much to ever change her or make her into something she wasn’t.

He hoped to hell that he could make her see that. That he wanted her just the way she was.

He licked her again, his fingers digging into her hips as he held her down and open to his mouth. He became more aggressive, growing bolder, encouraged by her response. He sucked and licked, thrusting his tongue inside her to taste her sweet honey.

He ate like a man starved, and he was. For her. He wanted her to come all over his tongue. He wanted to drink deeply of her, not wasting a single drop of her desire.

That all changed with her broken plea.

“Dash, please, I’m so close and I want you inside me. I need you inside me. I want to come with you there. Please, I need it.”

Damn if she’d ever beg him for anything. He’d promised her that. No begging. Not for anything he could give her.

And his body agreed with her desperate plea. He wanted inside her every bit as much as she wanted him there. He wanted her body to suck greedily at his cock. Wanted to feel all of that silken heat enveloping him. He wanted to come long and hard deep inside her, filling her with his release.

He broke away, his breaths coming hard, nearly panting with exertion and excitement. His dick was to the point of begging. He was so hard that it was agonizing. He wanted—needed—to be inside her. Now.

He propped himself up and over her, sweat dripping from his forehead. One hand went to her forehead, pushing away her hair as he stared down at her. With his other hand, he positioned himself between her legs, lodging the head of his cock at her opening.

At the very first touch of her velvety heat, he nearly lost it on the spot. Teeth clenched, he called on every bit of his strength to hold himself back.

Slowly and reverently he pushed inside her, his eyes rolling back in his head at the exquisite pleasure. She wiggled and arched, trying to draw him deeper.

“Don’t,” he ground out. “I’m holding on by a very thin thread, Joss. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to come the minute I get deep inside you. Be very still. Let me do the work. If you move, I’m not going to make it and I want us to come together. I want you with me. Always with me.”

Her eyes glowed, her lips curving into a sensual smile. Sultry and provocative. A temptress he had no hope of resisting.

But she acquiesced to his demand. She went still beneath him, giving him complete control.

Her eyes widened, the pupils flaring when he slid all the way inside. God, he’d never felt anything like this. Bliss. Utter bliss. He’d waited for goddamn ever for this moment. He wanted it to last for fucking ever.

He could spend the rest of his life inside her and die a happy man.

“You feel so damn good, honey. I have a damn good imagination, but fantasy has nothing on the reality.”

She smiled, her eyes lighting up at his heated statement.

“I’ll be honest. I never fantasized about you,” she said. “I don’t say that to hurt you, but this is all a shock to me. I’m still reeling from it all. I never imagined this. How it would feel.”

He smiled back at her. “I don’t fault you for not fantasizing about another man when you were married. But I won’t lie. I’d like it very much if you fantasized about me now. It may be selfish but I want you to think of me as often as I think of you. And honey, I think about you constantly.”

Delight registered in her eyes, and she reached up to cup his jaw as he went still inside her, deep, surrounded by her heat.

“Who needs fantasy when you can have the real thing?” she whispered.

It was enough to send him right over the edge. He could feel his release boiling up his dick, threatening to erupt.

“I hope you’re there,” he ground out. “I can’t hold back any longer.”

Her hand caressed his face, her touch feather light and so sweet. It made his teeth ache.

“I’m there, Dash. Take us both over. Come with me.”

He withdrew and slammed forward, rocking her body with the force of his thrust. He pulled back, just an inch, and hammered home again. And again.

She closed her eyes, her face reflecting the strain, the pleasure. How very close she was to reaching completion.

“Open your eyes, honey. Let me see you come.”

Her eyelids fluttered open and she stared back at him, drugged, sluggish, like she was zoned out, in another world.

“Tell me what you need, Joss. I want you with me all the way. I’m not coming without you.”

Even as he said it he knew that if she wasn’t as close as he was, he would leave her behind. He couldn’t hold back much longer at all, and he wanted her to orgasm. This was about her and her needs. Her pleasure. Later—another time—it could be about him. Him taking but giving back as much as he took.

She was his now and he wasn’t about to let her go. He’d spend every day showing her, proving to her, that she was his first and only priority. The rest could be damned.

“I’m close,” she gasped. “Don’t stop. I’m there, Dash. Just come. Don’t worry. I’ll be there with you.”

Taking her at her word, he let his urge take over. The urge to master her, possess her, mark her. Branded. There would be harsher ways that he’d put his stamp on her. Later. They had all the time in the world and he planned to make the most of it. The last years of frustration and aching need disappeared with the knowledge that she was finally his for the taking.

He thrust hard and deep, losing himself in her satiny heat.

Their gazes locked. They both tensed for the impending explosion.

No kink. No games. Just two people expressing themselves with their bodies. Him showing her without words the impact she had on him.

He nearly cried out as his orgasm swept him away. His release burst from his cock, an explosive surge that was the perfect mixture of pain and ecstasy. He’d never felt anything to equal this. Never.

His name spilled hoarsely from her lips. Her hands flew to his shoulders, her fingernails digging into his skin, marking him much the same as he marked her. She arched upward, meeting his thrusts as he emptied himself deep inside her.

His orgasm went on and on, each thrust forcing more of his release into her womb.

He’d brought up birth control, his concern of protecting her, but at this moment, he sorely regretted that she was on birth control. There was nothing more enticing than the thought of her swollen with his child.

He knew without a doubt that if she weren’t on birth control, they would create a child. Nothing this earth-shattering could possibly result in anything else. A perfect union of heart and mind.

One day. He’d gladly give her the children she wanted so much. As many as she wanted. It would suit him perfectly for her to be barefoot and pregnant in his home. Tied to him irrevocably. Maybe that made him a chauvinistic bastard, but he didn’t give a damn.

He wanted to take care of Joss for the rest of her life. Pamper and spoil her endlessly. Surround her with his love and their children. He wanted a family with her, a family he never dreamed would be possible, but was now within reach after Carson’s death.

He regretted his best friend’s death with all his heart, but he couldn’t—wouldn’t—give up a dream that was now in his grasp just because the woman he loved had been married to his best friend.

He gathered Joss tightly into his arms, easing his weight down on her, blanketing her with his body as they both trembled with the aftershocks of their lovemaking.

His dick twitched inside her, giving up the last vestiges of his release. She was hot and tight around him, squeezing him gently as her pussy rippled with her orgasm. He could stay this way the entire night. Deeply embedded inside her, a part of her.

She was filled with his seed, a fact that gave him immeasurable satisfaction. He wanted to mark her in other ways. More primitive ways. He wanted to see his semen on her body. Her breasts, her ass, dripping from her mouth.

He closed his eyes, already hardening even after the most gut-wrenching orgasm of his life. She did that to him. He’d never get enough of her.

Reluctantly he withdrew from the warm clasp of her body. Judging by her muttered protest, she didn’t like it any better than he did. But he needed to take care of her needs and then he needed to ready her for sleep.

He kissed her swollen lips. “I’ll be right back, honey. I have to get a washcloth to clean us both up so we don’t mess up the sheets.”

“It may be too late for that,” she said ruefully. “You came a lot.”

He grinned. “I’ve been waiting a long time for this night. Call it pent-up frustration. You do that to me, Joss. I don’t think I’ve ever come so hard or as much in my life.”

He rolled off her, careful not to make a bigger mess. He didn’t want her sleeping on sticky sheets. He wanted only the best for her.

Now that she had moved in with him, they’d be using the bed and soiling the linens on a regular basis. He made a mental note to order several more sets of the expensive sheets that adorned his bed. He planned to get a lot of use from them.