Letting Go

TWENTY-ONE

JOSS awakened the next morning feeling emotionally wrung out from her troubled, upsetting dreams. She automatically reached for Dash, needing the comfort he offered, a shelter from the emotional turmoil of her dreams.

To her surprise not only was her wrist no longer bound to his, but he wasn’t in bed. She struggled to sit up, brushing back her hair so she could see. Across the room Dash stood in front of the dresser buttoning the sleeves to his dress shirt. His expression was solemn, as if he were deep in thought.

“Dash?”

His name came out shaky and soft, but he heard her and turned immediately, his expression indecipherable.

“I have to be in early this morning,” he said in a neutral tone. “There’s a lot to do before Jensen’s partnership is announced. I’m not sure how late I’ll be but I’ll call to let you know when I’m on my way home.”

Her brow furrowed. His mood was the same as it had been the previous morning when she hadn’t been able to discern what was bothering him. And it was evident that something was. She may be an open book when it came to her emotions, but Dash was similar in that she only had to look into his eyes to know if something was off. And for the second morning, he wasn’t his usual, loving self.

He didn’t even come to the bed to kiss her, and she felt too self-conscious to get out of bed to go to him. She was too afraid he’d reject her and so she remained where she was, studying him from underneath her lashes.

“Be careful,” she said quietly. “I’ll look forward to you coming home. Shall I cook dinner for us tonight?”

“Whatever you like,” he said indifferently. “We can eat out if you prefer.”

“I’ll cook,” she said firmly, wanting to do something to please him.

He nodded and then turned back, collecting his watch and wallet and car keys.

She waited for him to kiss her. For him to offer a sweet word. For him to tell her he’d miss her. Anything. Something. But he simply collected his belongings and strode toward the door, leaving her in bed, her lips parted in surprise.

She flopped back onto the pillow, staring up at the ceiling. What the hell was going on? What was with his Jekyll and Hyde act? It was exhausting trying to keep up with his mood swings. She’d been nothing but honest and open with him at every turn, and yet he was holding back from her.

Supposedly women were the moody, emotional creatures. According to men. But men were far more guilty of being volatile. Up and down. One minute he was sweet, tender and absolutely adoring. The next? Silent and brooding over God only knew what.

Maybe he just wasn’t a morning person. Admittedly, until recently, she had zero experience with him in the mornings. She’d never had cause to see him or interact with him in the early hours of the day. Her exposure to him had been limited to afternoons and evenings, and he’d been nothing but charming on those occasions.

Oh well, she’d have to have enough morning cheer for both of them apparently. She’s always been an early riser and what she considered a morning person. Carson had teased her about being disgustingly cheerful the moment she rose from bed.

Thoughts of Carson brought back the disturbing dreams from the night before. Her lips turned down into an unhappy frown. What did they mean? Dreams were inexplicable, a manifestation of the subconscious. Who the hell knew what they really meant? Maybe they meant nothing at all. Maybe it was just a battle between her past and present, colliding at night when her thoughts were unguarded.

At any rate, she wished they’d go away. Carson was gone. He wasn’t coming back. Last night’s dream had bothered her immensely. The heaviness followed her into the waking hours, weighing on her as she remembered the impossible choice she’d faced in the dream.

It was silly because she’d never face that choice. It was pointless to even dwell on it and think about which way she’d go because it was never going to happen. The choice had been made for her.

Would she choose Carson if she could have him back? Would she turn her back on Dash and everything he offered? She shook her head, refusing to go there. It would only lead to guilty feelings on her part because in her dream she hadn’t chosen him.

“Stop thinking about it, Joss. You’re only upsetting yourself and feeling unnecessary guilt. Carson would want you to be happy. He wouldn’t want you to mourn him forever. Get over it and move on.”

She briefly wondered if she should see a doctor. Not a shrink. God, anything but that. But perhaps her doctor could give her something to make her sleep more soundly so she wasn’t tormented by dreams of her husband and her current lover.

Filing that away and making a mental note to place a call to her physician, she forced herself out of bed, wondering what she’d do the entire day while Dash was at work.

What had she done before she’d moved into his house?

More and more she considered going back to work as a nurse. She needed a purpose. Something to occupy her time so she wasn’t doing nothing day in, day out. Her CEUs were current. She had her license. She could go back to work at any time.

What would Dash think? He’d made it clear that he wanted her time to be his own, but he had to work. He couldn’t just drop everything to be with her twenty-four-seven, and she wouldn’t expect him to.

She didn’t necessarily want to go back to shift work, and it wasn’t probable that she’d score a day shift job, coming in as low man on the totem pole. Yes, the swing and night shift made more per hour, but she didn’t need the money. She was financially secure thanks to Carson. What she needed was something to occupy her time.

Maybe she could seek employment at a doctor’s office. At least then her hours would be normal and she’d have weekends off.

And there was the fact that she’d planned to go back to school to become a nurse practitioner. She had classes and credits toward that goal, but she’d quit when she’d quit her job. She only lacked a year and she could have her license and go to work under a doctor in private practice.

It was something she was going to give serious thought to. She was tired of being at loose ends and it was time for her to take charge of her life once more. She was young. She’d already taken charge of her sexuality and taken the plunge with Dash. All that remained was for her to decide on going back to work.

She would discuss it with Dash and get his thoughts when he was in a better mood. Not that she needed his approval. She was perfectly capable of making her own decisions. Yes, she’d given him her submission, had wanted him to have absolute control over her. But she still retained the option of making the important decisions that affected her happiness. And if Dash truly cared for her, he wouldn’t stand in the way of her happiness.

Feeling marginally better about her future, she went through the motions of the day. She spent half an hour on the Internet looking up recipes. She wanted to make Dash something special. Finding a yummy-looking chicken and cheese casserole dish that would be simple to prepare, she then took stock of Dash’s pantry and fridge and realized she’d have to go out to pick up the necessary ingredients.

For that matter his pantry was pretty empty and his fridge wasn’t much better. Happy to have something to do, she made a list and planned a series of meals, making sure she wrote down the necessary ingredients for all the recipes. When her list was completed, she then took stock of the bathroom and toiletries.

She hadn’t brought all of her girly stuff, though she’d gotten most of it from home. She’d run by her house and pack more of her things to bring over to Dash’s since it appeared he had no intention of her spending the night anywhere but in his home.

By the time she was on her way, her mood had lightened and some of the heaviness had lifted away. She was nearly to the grocery store when she realized she hadn’t let Dash know where she’d be. She wasn’t used to having to answer to anyone, but it was common courtesy now that she was living with Dash to at least let him know her whereabouts.

She sent him a quick text letting him know what she was doing and that she was cooking a special dinner for him, adding a smiley face and a heart at the end of the text.

She cringed, wondering if he’d find the emoticons annoying. Carson had found them endearing and cute. They were “so her,” as Carson had put it. She sighed, catching herself in mental comparison yet again. She had to quit it. Carson was gone, as she reminded herself on a daily basis now. The endless thinking back to what he liked and didn’t like was getting old. And it would most certainly get old with Dash. Thank God she hadn’t voiced her thoughts aloud to him and only went through them mentally.

Her phone went off and she smiled at Dash’s response. And to think she’d worried that he’d find her text annoying.

Thanks, honey. Looking forward to it. xoxo

It had been a long time since she’d cooked for someone else. Oh, she’d fixed lunch and dinner a few times for the girls, but she hadn’t prepared an intimate meal for a lover since . . . No, she wasn’t going there, damn it.

She enjoyed her trip to the grocery store and realized halfway through that she should have stopped by her house first because she’d have perishable items waiting in her car and the temps were well into the upper eighties today.

Oh well, she’d just have to make her stopover at her house quick.

She cranked up the radio on the way to her house, singing along as she rolled up in her driveway. With a smile, she hopped out and hurried inside to collect the things she needed.

Five minutes later she shoved an extra suitcase into the minuscule backseat—if it even classified as a real backseat since a person certainly couldn’t fit—because her tiny trunk was filled to bursting with the groceries she’d purchased, and she headed back in the direction of Dash’s house. Her home now.

It would take time for her to consider it hers. She still very much considered it Dash’s house. But if things worked out long term . . .

She stopped, realizing this was the first time she was thinking long term. She’d been hesitant to put her hopes into it becoming more. Permanent. But things were off to a very solid start if she didn’t count his morning moodiness. But she could deal with that. She could be cheerful enough for them both.

It took her five trips into the house to get all the bags out of her trunk and one last one to collect her bulging suitcase. Dash would laugh at all the stuff she considered essential.

After putting away all the groceries, she laid out the ingredients for tonight’s dinner and wondered if she should start it now or wait until he got home.

Her forehead wrinkled as she pondered her options. Dash had been clear on how he wanted her to be waiting when he got home each day, but she hadn’t heard from him on when he would arrive. She glanced at her watch. It was only four thirty. A typical day was five o’clock, and he’d said he might be later today.

She’d decided to go ahead and get a start on supper when her phone rang. Glancing at the screen, she saw Dash’s name and smiled, reaching eagerly for the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, honey. I’m on my way home.”

A light shiver worked over her shoulders. “I’ll be waiting,” she said huskily.

“I’m looking forward to it,” he said in a low voice that matched hers.

“See you soon.”

“Bye, honey.”

She punched the button to end the call and then hurriedly put away the stuff for supper. It wouldn’t take much time to prepare at all and she could do it after he got home. For now she wanted to focus on being exactly as he wanted her. On her knees, naked, waiting in the living room so she was the first thing he saw when he walked through the door.