My Liege of Dark Haven

Chapter Fifteen

Hours of thinking had only increased Xavier’s frustration. The cabin was too small to pace properly, and he hadn’t been able to sleep. As dawn lit the sky, he laced up his running shoes. He needed to run off his anger before talking with Abby.

The air held a frosty bite that cleared his head, and the forest closed around him with a bottomless quiet a city dweller could never experience.

The beginning of the trail rose so steeply he had to scramble up it like a cliff. But once at the top, the well-groomed path flattened into a series of gentle switchbacks. His stride lengthened, and he broke into a jog.

As the first rays of the sun slanted through the trees, he moved into a steady run, warming and loosening muscles knotted since the evening had turned into a disaster.

He’d have sworn the little fluff was incapable of deliberately hurting someone. Yet she must have known a person would be at risk, socially or professionally, if their membership in a BDSM club became known. Even more damning, she hadn’t defended herself at all. Her expression had revealed her guilt, and Nathan’s accusation had held no taste of a lie.

Yes, she’d been doing research in his club.

He growled. The members were under his protection, and he had a responsibility to ensure their privacy. He obviously hadn’t done enough.

When his friend Zachary had recommended a personal interview for every applicant, Xavier had thought the idea excessive. Now he knew—a background check wasn’t adequate. Abby’s information hadn’t raised any flags. On her first day, he hadn’t been searching for lies, and he’d assumed her nervousness was simply because she was new.

After a glance at the rising sun, he turned back toward the lodge.

She’d told him she taught reading. Nathan called her Professor. Xavier had been blind. But he needed to hear her out, needed more from her than silence. Why hadn’t she talked to him? She’d given him nothing.

As the tree canopy blotted out the sun, the forest turned cold and shadowy. They had nothing.

Less than that. Slowing, he approached a curve on the trail. Her first day when he’d asked if she had a significant other, she’d lied. That was as much of a betrayal as her research.

Xavier’s pace increased, fueled by the hurt that refused to diminish. Rounding the curve, he broke into a run and—

The trail ended. White rock hung over darkness. The cliff.

With a grunt of anger, he dug in his heels.

Going too fast. The loose pine needles and bark provided no traction. He skidded. His foot hit a buried stone, and pain shot up his leg as his ankle twisted.

He went off the trail at the steepest part.

Abby had been awake all night.

Dawn came. The light through the curtains brightened.

The morning passed. Crying hadn’t helped. She still couldn’t think of what to do. Her ability to be logical had been destroyed under the avalanche of emotion. Every argument and reason kept dissolving with the memory of Xavier’s cold face. Cold, but she’d seen the flash of betrayal in his eyes before anger had covered it.

She knew, oh, she knew, what that kind of pain felt like. And she’d caused his.

Whenever she’d wrenched her thoughts from Xavier, she’d remember the disbelieving stares around her. Her new friends—women who’d laughed with her, helped her dress, teased her about Xavier—she’d betrayed them as well.

Why hadn’t she realized how they would feel? She’d never have started. No paper—no job—was worth hurting people, even if they hadn’t been her friends. Somehow she needed to explain, to reassure them her paper didn’t include anything identifying. They undoubtedly believed the subject was about sex and perversions, not the family they’d created.

But she hadn’t been able to tell them. Xavier had looked so…angry…and her cowardly body had simply frozen.

Dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt, she sat on the bed, arms wrapped around her knees, unable to summon up the willpower to move. I hurt my friends. Xavier. The pain of that was unbearable.

With the windows closed, drapes drawn, she listened as cars fired up and retreated down the road. Xavier didn’t come. No one came.

Sluggishly she rose, her joints aching like a ninety-year-old’s. Her muscles complained of yesterday’s war games and a long night of not moving. She drank a glass of water in the tiny bathroom. Coffee, breakfast, tea, everything was at the main lodge, and she wouldn’t go there. Ever.

Maybe she was supposed to get herself home? But surely someone would tell her that. She’d actually prefer to take a bus. Returning to San Francisco with Simon and Rona, spending hours in their silent company, would be a nightmare.

She climbed back on the bed, pushed her glasses up, and stared at the wall. At one point she’d started to calculate the mean and median number of holes in an average log.

Had Nathan left?

Do I care? She tried to find grief or sadness—even anger—but her emotions felt as if a bulldozer had flattened them. He had a “slut” at the club. How long had he enjoyed both of them? She gritted her teeth. At least Dark Haven had checked her for diseases. Who knew she’d be grateful?

Why hadn’t she seen through Nathan? The signs had been there. He belonged to a BDSM club. He’d wanted to add more kink to their sex life but hadn’t invited her to join. They never had a date on a Friday night. She’d been blind.

How had he figured out she was doing research? Her teeth gritted together as she realized that he hadn’t guessed. He’d just thrown out the accusation to be vindictive. Unfortunately, he’d been right.

Noise burst into the cabin as someone pounded on the door. Xavier.

Her heart thumped so hard it probably cracked ribs. She froze for a minute, and in that interval he pounded again. The sound was a blatant indication that their talk wouldn’t go well.

She pulled open the door. “I’m sor—”

Not Xavier. Logan stood on the doorstep. His face was so cold that the scarred-up dog behind him looked friendlier. “I’m taking you to town. Get your things.”

“But—”

His expression didn’t encourage questions.

“Right.”

So Xavier had decided not to talk to her. Her hopes crumbled like winter leaves. She grabbed her purse and turned to get her bag, but Logan had already picked it up and waited by the door.

They walked to the parking area, and she climbed into his pickup truck.

Silence.

By the time the truck turned onto the larger highway toward Bear Flat, Abby’s hands had curled into fists. This was unbearable. She pulled in a breath. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.” She felt the weight of his gaze. “I’m disappointed in you.”

Was this what being flayed alive felt like? She stared at her hands. The roughness of his voice made it clear she’d hurt him. Hurt Becca. Reassure him about the paper. “I need to explain.”

“I’m not going to discuss this with you, Abby. Not until you’ve talked with Xavier.”

An interminable amount of time later, he drove into the tiny town of Bear Flat and parked. As she slid out of the truck, he plucked her bag out of the back and stowed it in a familiar-looking SUV. Please, don’t let that be Xavier’s car.

“Where’s Simon?” Abby asked faintly, dread growing in her belly.

“They left a couple of hours ago.” Logan’s hard mouth curled slightly. “Xavier needs someone to drive him, and since he wants to talk with you alone, you got your ass drafted.

“Needs… Did he get drunk or something?”

Logan nudged her onto the boardwalk.

But they walked past the police station. The next building’s window displayed BEAR FLAT MEDICAL CLINIC in black lettering.

Xavier was hurt? She grabbed Logan’s arm and yanked him to a stop. “You tell me what happened. Right now!”

“He fell off a cliff.”

In an exam room, Xavier sat in a wheelchair and tried to ignore the pain. His ankle throbbed, his head hammered, and his shoulder persisted in sending burning stabs through the joint. He’d have appreciated some consistency in the texture and timing of the various hurts, but no such luck.

The clinic life went on around him. A phone ringing. A baby crying. From the room across the hall came the doctor’s voice trying to reassure a child.

The tinkling sound of the front door was followed by footsteps. Xavier looked up.

Logan entered the room, followed by Abby. Her eyes widened, and the color drained from her cheeks. “You look terrible.”

Despite the pain and his anger at her, he felt a hint of amusement.

Logan snorted. “You should have seen him when he was covered in blood.” He gave Xavier a glance. “I didn’t realize you could swear like that. Rona appreciated you switching to French.”

Abby clasped her hands as if terrified to touch him. “How badly are you hurt?” Her short hair was flying everywhere, and behind her glasses, her eyes were red and swollen.

How could he be furious and still want to comfort her? “Nothing major.”

“That kind of depends on your definition of major.” Dressed in medical scrubs, Summer cast Abby an unfriendly look.

A hint of hurt appeared before Abby’s expression chilled into that of a marble statue. “If I’m driving, tell me what I need to know for the trip.” Her voice was as frozen as her face.

“The doctor reset his dislocated shoulder. He needs to keep the sling on. Sprained ankle. Keep it in the brace.” Summer glanced at Xavier and added, “No weight on it for three days. Then a cane or crutches.” She turned back to Abby. “Right now he can’t use crutches because of the shoulder, so…wheelchair.”

Abby nodded. “Go on.”

“Ice packs for the shoulder and ankle for twenty minutes at a time. Keep his leg elevated. He received a heavy pain medication earlier. When it wears off, ibuprofen should work. Got it?”

Xavier frowned. He’d never been talked around like this. Then again, his brain wasn’t tracking well.

“Yes.” Abby tilted her head coolly. “Thank you.”

“Let’s go, then,” Logan said. He stepped behind the wheelchair and pushed.

The boardwalk of rough wood planks almost did Xavier in. He clenched his jaw as pain stabbed through his shoulder with every bump.

When Logan opened the back door to the SUV, Xavier shook his head. “I’m not—”

“Summer’s orders. She wants that ankle elevated for a while.” Logan lowered his voice. “And you don’t want to talk with Abby until the morphine clears your system.”

Good advice should be heeded. Xavier held his hand out. “Thank you for the help.”

“Least we could do.”

“Give that dog of yours a steak for finding me.”

Logan grinned. “Becca was cooking bacon for him when we left.”

With a grunt Xavier tried to get to his feet. Logan put a hand under his good arm and lifted. The assistance was needed—and not appreciated.

As blood rushed into Xavier’s injured ankle, the pain felt like someone had turned a burner to high. His shoulder screamed with every movement, but compared to the feeling when dislocated, this was nothing. Clumsily he pivoted and slid into the backseat.

When Logan fastened Xavier’s seat belt as if he were a child, Xavier managed to keep from punching him and settled for a deadly look. Logan laughed and closed the door.

Smothering a groan, Xavier settled against it.

On the other side of the car, Summer leaned in to put a pillow under his leg. She put an ice pack over the ankle and handed him another for his shoulder. As Abby climbed into the driver’s seat, the nurse frowned at her. “Ignore the crankiness and do what I told you. Doms make the worst patients.”

Abby nodded, glanced at him, and started the engine.

Xavier realized he didn’t know if she was a good driver. After a second he closed his eyes. He didn’t have the energy to care.

Xavier woke when Abby pulled in to a gas station.

“Here.” He held out a credit card.

She ignored him, filled the tank, and disappeared into the store.

By the time she returned, he’d managed to maneuver himself out of the car and into the front seat. Eventually—maybe—his ankle and shoulder would stop feeling as if they were about to explode.

She opened the driver’s door and saw him. “Why aren’t you in the back?”

“I’m awake. It’s time to talk.”

Gaze averted, she got in. In silence she drove onto Highway 120 toward San Francisco. After a minute she put the sack into his lap. “Ice. And ibuprofen. And water.”

“Thank you, Abby,” he said softly, watching the pink climb into her cheeks. He suppressed a sigh. She’d lied to him, spied on his club members, cheated on her boyfriend, and he wanted to comfort her. You’re an idiot, Leduc.

He washed the ibuprofen down with water. “Tell me about your research.”

“The university is doing cutbacks. I needed a publication on my record—fast—and BDSM interested me.”

Because of Nathan, undoubtedly.

“To get it published in time, I have to submit the paper before July twenty-ninth.” Her hands clenched and eased. “I’m writing an ethnography essay—basically my observations of what goes on.” Behind her oversize glasses, her gray eyes flickered toward him and back to the road. “I wasn’t taking names or talking about anything intimate or kinky. I wrote about the social interactions in the club, comparing the dynamics to that of a family.”

“Personal descriptions?”

“Just gender and what position they fill in a relationship and how they fit into the club—and the hierarchy. As the owner, you could possibly be identified. No one else.”

The hard knot in Xavier’s gut began to unwind. Not an exposé. She didn’t plan to out the members. She couldn’t lie to him if he was watching for it, and she wasn’t lying now.

“I want you to think back to the first scene we did.” He waited until she nodded. “You were embarrassed, Abby. You felt exposed, even though others around us were also doing scenes. How would you have felt if you realized someone was studying you like a research monkey?”

Pink flowed up her neck and into her face. He’d never known anyone who blushed so often—or so beautifully.

“Answer me.”

“I would have…have left.” Her gaze stayed on the road, but her fingers tightened on the steering wheel. A car passed them. A logging truck rumbled past on the other side. “I didn’t think writing about a social network could possibly hurt anyone or put them at risk. And the lifestyle wouldn’t welcome a sociologist, but I hoped my paper would help BDSM be more accepted. I wanted to show the honesty and communication. The caring. I thought it would be good for the community.”

Wanting to help. Yes, she might have started the project because she needed the paper, but in a uniquely Abby way she’d ended up trying to help. Xavier’s anger kept seeping away. “Go on.”

“People weren’t in a bedroom—they were in a club, doing intimate performances right out in public. So how could it be wrong to observe? That’s what I thought.” Her eyes gleamed with tears. “But I saw the reactions last night. And Summer’s today. I should have realized that, to the members, they’re not in public but inside their family. I was blind.”

She bit her lip. “Or maybe I didn’t want to see it.”

For someone so intelligent, that was a difficult acknowledgment. “You probably didn’t.”

Her voice dropped. “I can’t think of how to make it right.”

True repentance. Xavier took a slow breath, fighting the way she softened his heart. The research was only the first of her offenses. The taste of the second was bitter. “You and Nathan are lovers? Involved?”

“For months,” Nathan had said.

“We were during the spring.” Her laugh held a doleful note. “He broke up with me before he left for Maine. The day before I came to the club.”

Before I ever saw her. Another hard ball in his chest loosened. “Did you join because of him? Partly?”

Her lips trembled as she nodded. “I thought if I learned more, maybe we could make it work. Maybe I’d be comfortable with what he wanted.”

She hadn’t appeared comfortable last night.

“I’m a moron,” she said under her breath.

“Why do you say that?”

“We had a committed relationship. Monogamous. We’d agreed. But that girl last night knew him. He’d been…with…her before, hadn’t he?” She glanced at him.

“If you’re asking if their scenes included sex, then yes.” Xavier rubbed his shoulder and winced at the pain. “So the first day at the club, you told me the truth when you said no significant other.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t lie.” Dismay filled her face. “You thought I had. Last night you believed I’d cheated on Nathan with you.” She stared straight at the highway, blinking away tears. Slowly her chin firmed.

She hadn’t lied to him. The rush of relief was unsettling. He might tell himself that it was because he hadn’t misread her personality, but he knew better. “I’m pleased to know you weren’t cheating, Abby. More relieved than I like.”

“I don’t particularly care.” She blinked her eyes hard. “I’m no concern of yours.”

He shifted in his seat to study her. Her jaw was tight, her eyes haunted. Nathan Kemp had damaged her ego—and so did I. Her self-confidence in relationships had been fragile to begin with.

Unfortunately he wasn’t the Dom to put things right. She needed someone who could commit to her. That someone wasn’t him, and the thought of doing her further harm was more than he could bear. She’d already decided to break off any relationship with him. This was obviously the right time for her to return to her own life.

“Nice place,” Abby said, staring at the golden and tan Mediterranean-style home. How could Xavier’s club possibly provide enough income to afford a Tiburon mansion overlooking the bay?

His lips twitched. “Thank you.”

The door to a three-car garage slid up, and she pulled in.

Without waiting for her, Xavier got out. With his sprained ankle off the ground, he held on to the car door as she unpacked the light wheelchair and wheeled it over.

“I appreciate the chauffeur service, Abby. Come in, and I’ll call you a taxi,” he said. When he tried to wheel up the incline into the house, she realized he couldn’t use his right arm—and a wheelchair required both. As he used his uninjured foot to assist, the muscles on his jaw grew tighter. He was hurting and too stubborn to ask her for help.

The big bad Dom would normally expect a submissive to serve him…but she wasn’t his. The knowledge was demoralizing. Painful. He might have forgiven her to some degree, but what they’d started… That was gone. He’d undoubtedly written her off as a total loser.

Which was good. She’d given up on men, right? Jaw clenched, she pushed the wheelchair up the ramp into the house.

They entered a tall foyer with red-gold hardwood flooring. The walls held the creamy warmth of the exterior. Stairs curved up to an inside balcony.

“In there, please.” He pointed, and she wheeled him across the wide space into a living room. The subtle colors of the beige walls and carpet and white leather furniture were a quiet frame for the stunning view of Angel Island and San Francisco across the bay.

“How beautiful.”

“Thank you.” When he pulled out his cell phone and punched a button, she realized he had a taxi service on speed dial. Maybe for his club members? Or maybe he sent all his women home this way.

She wasn’t one of them, though, was she? Odd how depression could darken the sunlight streaming through the glass. As she walked to the window, her brows drew together. With a two-story house, the master bedroom was probably upstairs. How would he get up there?

Not my problem. The couch looked comfortable, and he was an adult. But when the taxi service chirped a busy signal, her mouth overruled her mind. “Who will you call to stay with you?”

“I’ll manage, thank you.” His black eyes held no emotion. He punched a redial into the phone.

“You can’t. You need someone here to help you.”

“It’s not your problem, Abigail.” His mouth flattened. Busy signal. Redial.

“I bet you’ve got ibuprofen upstairs in your master bath. Your clothes will be up there. But you can’t get up the stairs, can you? You certainly can’t cook, balancing on one leg and using one hand.”

“That’s enough,” he snapped. His anger came through clearly. Busy. Redial.

Fear turned the pale walls an ugly red, and her heart banged against her rib cage, knocking her back a step. He’s furious. Don’t make him yell. Just stop.

He’d manage. He’d be fine.

He wouldn’t.

“You need someone to help you.” She snatched the phone out of his hand. “I’m staying the night, so deal with it. Y-yell at me if you want to, but I’m s-staying.” Her shoulders knotted. She braced her legs, preparing for the screams. The names. Nausea twisted her stomach.

His mouth opened…and closed. He leaned back. His gaze traveled from the phone in her tight grip upward in a comprehensive sweep to linger on her face. “If I can’t get out of this chair, Abby, why are you afraid of me?”

She blinked.

The anger was gone from his voice as if it had never occurred. Resting his elbow on the chair arm, he cupped his chin in his hand and watched her.

“I’m not afraid.”

“Really?” His gaze didn’t waver. “Apparently you continue to have difficulty identifying your emotions. Are your muscles tight? Hands sweaty?”

She resisted the urge to rub her palms on her jeans. “This is—”

“Abby.”

“Fine. Yes.”

“Your eyes are wide. Is your breathing fast or slow?”

She was panting. Had retreated a step. “Okay. I’m scared.” Which seemed really stupid.

“Do you think I’d hurt you?”

“No! No, you wouldn’t.”

“Then what are you afraid of?” As his voice rose, she flinched. His eyes narrowed. “Who used to yell at you, Abby?”

“That isn’t—”

An eyebrow rose slightly in the ominous signal of a Dom growing impatient.

She was far more submissive than she’d thought, because the answer slid from her as if greased. “My father.”

His finger stroked the beard stubble on his jaw. “Was he abusive?”

“It wasn’t like that.” She walked to the window, needing space. A view. An escape from those penetrating eyes. “He had cancer. A brain tumor. We didn’t know—he wasn’t diagnosed until a year or two later.”

A gull soared over the ferryboat churning across the choppy waves toward Pier Thirty-Nine. Her father had loved to visit the wharf, but then the bustling became more than he could tolerate. “If he got excited at all, he’d burst into a rage. For so long, we didn’t understand why. We thought we’d made him mad, and Mom would cry.”

“Just you and your mother?”

“Um-hmm.” The backyard had a wide stone patio with a pool and hot tub. Grassy stretches extended on each side like wings. Farther out, the land rolled downhill. “Xavier, it’s not imp—”

“What happened after he was diagnosed? Did it get better?”

“Of c-course.” At last they’d known why. And his berserk screaming fits had been far better than the blankness that eventually consumed his personality. Before the cancer, her father had been an even-tempered, brilliant archeologist. Near the end, in his few moments of lucidity, he couldn’t bear what he’d become. “My death will be a blessing, baby. A gift.” He’d patted her hand. And then he’d cried.

A flicker drew her attention to where a hummingbird visited a bright globe hanging from a tree branch. In the next tree, two sparrows perched on a stained-glass feeder. Life, big and small, went on. And Mr. Oh-So-Stern My Liege fed the birds?

“Come here.” That note again, the one that said he expected her to obey.

She turned.

His hand was out. Open. Waiting. And very warm when his fingers folded around hers. “How did you and your mother cope?”

Looking down at him, she made a noise that should have been a laugh but didn’t sound like anything funny. “Very carefully. For a long time, as long as he didn’t get upset, he did well. He never hurt us, just yelled. Called us names.” She shrugged.

“So you did everything you could to keep him calm, didn’t you?”

The understanding in his expression made her eyes burn. “Where’s your ibuprofen?”

“This is why you freeze up when you think someone will yell.” He held her trapped for another minute. “But you risked my temper because you were worried about me.” A corner of his mouth edged up; his eyes filled with tenderness. “Your courage wins the battle, little fluff. I have a bottle of ibuprofen upstairs in the master bathroom.”

He hadn’t yelled, had actually complimented her for being rude. She ran up the stairs, feeling as if she’d been staggering and found her balance. Her throat was tight.

He’d called her his favorite name again.