Needing Her

Chapter Ten

Connor

I TOOK THREE deep breaths in, and tried to tell myself that this would go in my favor. Because it would. They knew me. They trusted me. They would trust me with their sister.

Right?

Opening the door, I walked into the sports bar and looked around for Dakota and Dylan. Looking to the right, I faltered and almost walked right back out of the bar. One of their other brothers, Sam, was at the table too. It was one thing to tell my best friends first, to get a feel for how the rest of the family would react; but to have Sam there too?

But I knew I had to do this now; we were all going to Mammoth tomorrow, and there was no way I could stay away from Maci while we were there. And in case it went bad, I really didn’t want Maci present for whatever went down.

I’d thought I was in deep when Amy had tried to give me an ultimatum last week, but after making love to Maci that night . . . I knew that what I’d felt for her had been nothing compared to now. I craved her constantly. When she wasn’t near me, it felt like I’d go crazy waiting until I could be near her again. A week of not being able to look at her or touch her would drive me insane.

With another deep breath in, I straightened my shoulders and walked over to where they were already drinking.

“Connor!” Dylan yelled, and Dakota sent off a girl I had no doubt he’d be going home with later. “Aw, come on now. You couldn’t even take off the detective getup to have a beer with us?”

I just smirked. Honestly, I couldn’t have gone back to my place. Because if I had, I would’ve seen Maci and then I would’ve never made it out again.

Sam grabbed my arm and pulled me in to clap my shoulder, and I flinched out of his grasp. Jesus, when did I become such a bitch?

“Good to see you, Sam,” I forced out, trying to make up for how awkward I’d just acted. “How’s the family?”

“They’re really good. Caden is almost two, and Jessica just found out she’s pregnant again . . . which is why I am here,” he joked, but held up his empty beer glass, looking around for a waitress.

“Congrats, man. I’m excited for you.”

His smile showed how happy he really was when he turned to look at me again. “Me too, so what about you? I know these two aren’t settling down anytime soon, but I always thought you were an old soul. Figured you’d find a girl and settle down early.”

I had to be careful how I answered, because what I said in that moment could determine how they reacted later. Before Cassidy, I would’ve sworn up and down I would’ve never gotten married because I was terrified of having children and what I might do to my future family. Then she’d come back into my life, and Cassidy had been like an antidote to my fears, or at least had blinded me from them . . . making me want to have it all. Even though I wasn’t ready to think of marriage with Maci yet, since it hadn’t even been three weeks since we’d actually gotten together. I knew with my life that was exactly where Maci and I would eventually lead.

There was still one problem, though. She wasn’t Cassidy. Don’t get me wrong . . . I was glad she wasn’t. I knew now that Cassidy hadn’t been the girl for me; she had just been someone who would understand me, with absolutely no judgment. Finally finding that in someone had been the one thing that triggered my want to keep her in my life forever. Of course she had been sweet, brave, and strong. But sweet, brave, and strong weren’t what I needed or wanted.

I wanted feisty. I wanted obnoxious. I wanted stubborn. I wanted Maci . . . needed her. But a part of me felt like I needed that piece of Cassidy that understood everything I had gone through as a child. And I still hadn’t brought myself to tell Maci about my past and my fears of the future because I couldn’t know what her reaction would be.

There had never been a need for the Price family to know what had happened to Amy and me, but I knew I needed to tell Maci in order for our relationship to continue. I was just terrified that after finally opening my eyes to her, and having her in my life even for a short time, I would tell her and she wouldn’t be able to understand . . . and then she would be gone too.

I looked Sam right in the eye and told him the truth. “I hope to soon.”

He cocked an eyebrow and took a sip of the new beer that had just been placed in front of him. “Really?”

Dakota snorted. “We obviously need to get you a beer if you’re starting to talk about settling down. Everyone knows that’s not about to happen.” He caught the waitress’s eye and pointed toward me.

“I don’t want a drink.”

“What?” all three said at once.

“You feelin’ okay?” Dylan asked.

“I’m fine, but uh . . . I.” Shit. “I need to talk to you three about something.”

None of them said anything; they all just sat there staring at me. When the waitress walked over, Dakota waved her away without taking his eyes off me.

Sitting down, I tried to figure out the best way to say it, but in the end, it still came out all kinds of fucked up. “I want your . . . I’m . . . I plan to marry Maci one day.”

They were still sitting there staring, but now none of them were blinking or moving. It was fucking terrifying. I rushed to get the rest out.

“I’m not going to ask your permission to date her, because we’re already together. And I’m not asking her to marry me anytime soon because our relationship is still raw; but I needed you to know how serious I am about us. She’s not just some girl; I know she’s it for me. I’m not going to hide us.”

Dylan burst out laughing, cutting off when he realized no one else had joined in with him.

“This better be a fucking joke,” Dakota sneered, his face slowly turning red.

“What? No,” Dylan said, shaking his head. “No way. Not Connor and Mini. Of course he’s joking.”

I quickly glanced in Sam’s direction; he was scowling at me but didn’t look like he was ready to kill me, like Kota did.

“How long has this been going on?” Sam asked.

“A few weeks.”

“A few”—­Dakota slammed his hand down on the table—­“a few fucking weeks? Are you shitting me?”

“No, listen—­”

“No you listen. How many times have we seen or talked to you since this started happening, and you didn’t say anything?”

“I’m sorry, you have every right to be pissed about that. I should have told you right away.”

Sam still wasn’t talking; he was now studying me. And now I was wondering if he was figuring out the most painful way to kill me. Dylan was sitting there, blinking rapidly, as if he was trying to come out of a daze.

“Krista!” Dakota barked at the waitress, and lifted his empty glass before looking back at me. “Did you tell Maci you were going to talk to us?” When I shook my head, he nodded, scratched at his jaw roughly, and then dropped his head to look at the table. “You’re not going to tell her you talked to us. You’re gonna break up with her, and we’re gonna forget this shit ever happened.”

“No. I’m not leaving her.”

Dakota’s head shot up, and he stared in Sam’s direction for a few seconds before turning to look at me. His gray eyes narrowed. “If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t have asked, Connor. I would have just made sure they never wanted to even think about her again. You’re my best friend, but you have five seconds to change your mind before we change it for you.”

I shrugged sadly and ran my hand through my hair roughly. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m not changing my mind.”

Dakota was out of his chair and lunging across the table so fast, I didn’t have time to register his fist coming at me until I was already falling out of my chair.

“Stay the fuck away from Maci!”

I stood and worked my jaw a few times before spitting blood on the ground. A few of the bigger workers had surrounded us by then, so I held up a hand.

“We’re fine. Just a misunderstanding. It’s over.”

We knew them all well; we’d been coming to this bar since we could legally drink. So after a few warnings, they walked away and we all sat back down.

“Connor, you will—­”

“No, Dakota. I won’t. You got your hit in, hopefully that’s enough for the three of you for now. But I’m not going to leave Maci. I told you, I didn’t come to ask your permission, I just wanted you to know. You can’t keep doing this to her, you’ve been scaring her from having relationships, and you’ve been keeping guys away from her. She’s twenty-­three, she’s an adult, you need to let her have her life.”

“Fuck you, Green!”

“I agree with Connor,” Sam said, surprising the hell out of us. “At least it’s someone we all know and can trust her with.”

Dakota leaned over the table toward Sam, but pointed at me. “He’s not good enough for her!”

I threw my arms out to the side before letting the drop. “I’m your best friend! If I’m not, then who is? No one will ever be good enough for your sister. That’s how I felt with Amy, but I couldn’t stop her from getting married!”

“Kota’s right,” Dylan said softly. He wasn’t looking at any of us, he just sat there with his arms crossed over his chest, but he looked sad. “I’m sorry, Connor, but I can’t let you date my sister . . . let alone marry her.”

“I hope this shows you how much she means to me. I’m willing to risk eighteen years of friendship because I don’t give a fuck what either of you are saying. I’m not leaving her.” I stood, and everything in my body froze when Dylan spoke again.

“Connor, we know about you. We know what happened when you were a kid.”

“Excuse me?”

“After Cassidy left—­”

“How the fuck do you know about Cassidy?”

“You got trashed and told us about her when you came back from Texas, you told us everything that night. What happened to you sucks, and we would’ve never brought it up again because it was obvious you didn’t mean to tell us all that shit,” Dakota said. His voice was dark. When he spoke again, the warning was clear. “I’m not about to let my sister be with a man who is constantly fighting that kind of demon.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Sam asked. He looked back and forth between his brothers before looking at me. But I couldn’t answer. It felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“Short story of his past,” Dylan began, and my hands clenched into fists on top of the table. “He had a druggie, absentee mom, and his old man beat him and Amy. Almost killed them. The Greens adopted them after that. That would never sway my decision on this situation. But now? Connor is always living in fear that he’s going to turn into the guy who raised him. His anger scares him, and he told us that he was afraid if he had kids, he’d do the same thing to them.”

“Holy shit,” Sam said under his breath and scrubbed his hands down his face. “Connor, man, I’m—­”

“So you can see our reasoning,” Dakota said, cutting him off. “I love you, Connor, really, man, I do. But I can’t let you be with my sister. I have to protect her, and letting her be with a man like you would be the exact opposite of protecting her. You would ruin her.”

“Dakota,” Sam snapped.

“He said it himself! He said he would ruin his future family, destroy it. Those were his words. I don’t care if he was wasted, don’t we always say drunks are the only honest ­people?” Dakota stood, and leaned over me, his voice low. “Break up with Maci . . . tonight. If you still want to go to the cabin with us tomorrow, then come. We want you there. None of us will say a thing about tonight, like I said, we’ll act like none of this shit happened.”

My eyes flashed up to his, then down to Dylan’s. He looked away and cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, man, I didn’t want to bring that up. But you had to know why we can’t let you be with her.”

With a hard nod, I ignored Sam calling my name, and walked out of the bar.

I knew what I had to do.

I just didn’t know how to do it in a way that would convince her.

“CONNOR, WHAT ARE you already doing home? I thought you were going out after work.”

I stood there staring in my fridge, trying to ready myself for this. After I’d figured out how to do it, I’d been telling myself over and over that this was for her own good. That it might upset her at first, but in the long run, it was what she needed.

“I didn’t know I had to give you a play-­by-­play of what I was doing.”

“Whoa, what’s wrong? Did something happen at work?”

I grabbed a beer and shut the door with more force than necessary. “Jesus, Maci. Nothing is wrong. Is it so wrong that I wanted to have a night away from you?”

Her head jerked back, and her eyes widened. “What?”

“I’m tired of constantly babying you. Did you ever think that maybe I need time to see other women? That that’s the way this usually works?”

“What works?”

“Sleeping around with ­people.” I turned away from her, and took long pulls from my beer. Trying not to choke at the thought of being with anyone else, or her with another guy. “I wanted to prove something to you, Mini. I wanted to show you what you were missing by just being with that preppy guy. I think I more than proved that, and I’m done catering to you.”

“What. The hell. Did you. Just call me?”

I was going to throw up. I tried to blank my expression when I turned toward her again, the way I did when I questioned ­people. But this was fucking Maci, and I could hardly look at her without wanting to pull her to me.

“God, Maci, grow up. It’s just a damn name.”

“Why are you doing this? What happened today?”

“Nothing happened.” She reached out for me and I grabbed her wrist, walking her out my door and toward hers. “You can’t be in my apartment, I have someone coming over.”

“You—­what? Connor!” she cried out my name and clutched at her chest when I released her. “Why are you being like this? This isn’t you.”

“Shit, enough! Stop making this out to be so dramatic when it really doesn’t have to be. I’m just tired of pretending with you.”

“Pretending?” she whispered to herself, her eyes looking everywhere but at me.

“I’m sorry if I let it go on too long, but you need to find someone else. Get a boyfriend or something, one that you’re not afraid to introduce to your brothers.”

Her head snapped up, her gray eyes pleading. “Is that what this is? Because I haven’t told them yet? I’ll tell them right now, I swear!”

“No, fuck, that’s not what I meant. You need to find the guy you’re meant to be with, and I’m not him. Obviously you’ve gotten too deep in this, but this should have never happened.”

“How can you say that? I belong with you . . . to you. I’m yours, Connor! Completely. Yours. Why can’t you see that you own me?”

I watched as her gray eyes filled with tears, and I wanted to die.

I’d been looking for any kind of emotion since Cassidy had left. I’d searched for it in so many women. This girl . . . for so many reasons she shouldn’t have been the one to start evoking all these feelings again—­and yet, she had been. My best friends’ little sister. My neighbor. The girl next door. Everything cliché and everything I had overlooked for years. I wondered for the hundredth time tonight why I couldn’t have actually seen Maci years before.

Another sob tore from her chest, and I wanted to take her in my arms and brush away the tears that had just started falling down her face. I wanted to tell her that she had all of this backwards. She owned me. But I couldn’t do this to her. Not only would her brothers never allow it, especially after tonight, but they were right . . . I would ruin her.

I had fears she couldn’t understand, a life that she’d had no idea about, and too many secrets I wasn’t willing to taint her world with. I would ruin her and our future family, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself when that happened.

My body was shaking, and I tried to focus on anything other than the way her expression was breaking my heart. I’ll destroy her. I’ll ruin her. I continued to chant those words and focused on the fact that I could never be the type of man that she needed.

Swallowing past the tightness in my throat, I scoffed. Scoffing was good. It made me sound like that much more of an asshole. “You can’t start crying every time you aren’t getting your way, Maci. You’re an adult, start acting like one.”

“Connor!” she cried when I turned to leave. “Why are you doing this to us? I know you, I know you want to be with me too. Is it Dakota and Dylan, did they find out? Are they making you do this?”

I stopped walking when I reached her door, but couldn’t look back at her when I said, “You don’t know anything about me. The fact that you somehow made yourself believe there was an us is proof of that. There is no us.”

“How can you sa—­”

“Because we fucked, Maci, that’s all we did!” I turned to look at her beautiful face, filled with pain. “It’s not my fault you let yourself believe we could be something. It’s not my goddamn fault you don’t know how to keep your feelings and your needs separate.”

Her head shook slowly back and forth, and her hand came up to cover her mouth as a strangled sob left her. “You’re lying,” she choked out. “Please don’t do this!”

“Goodbye, Maci.”

“Connor!” she sobbed when I shut her door behind me.

I hurried into my apartment and threw the can of beer at the wall, suppressing an agonized roar as I stormed into my bedroom. For the rest of the night, I stood with my forehead and palms pressed against the wall that connected our bedrooms, and listened to her sobs. And for the first time since I was last beaten at seven years old, I cried.