Rock Chick

Chapter Twenty-Two Friendly Neighborhood Serial Killer

I almost made it to the door of Fortnum’s when I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, that stapled to every telephone and light pole down Broadway, for as far as the eye could see, was an acid green piece of paper with what looked like a photo with some writing underneath.

I thought someone really, really wanted to find their missing cat so I stomped up to check it out and stopped dead at what I saw.

It was a picture of Tex, no night vision goggles (thankfully) but with wild hair, a crazy-ass smile on his face looking like your friendly neighborhood serial killer. The picture was obviously color, copied in black and white which made it blobby and grainy and even more frightening.

Underneath his picture it said, “Tex” and underneath that it said, “New Coffee Guy” and underneath that it said, “Fortnum’s”.

Holy crap.

I snatched the flier off the telephone pole and prowled into Fortnum’s.

There were five customers, three standing in line, two waiting at the other end of the counter for their coffee. Tex and Jane were behind the counter.

I shouted, “What the hell is this?”

Then I waved the acid green poster around.

Tex looked up at me, then looked out the window, then looked back at me and pointed the portafilter at me. Unfortunately, he hadn’t pounded out the used coffee grounds so they went flying in an arc in front of him and the customers stepped wide on either side to avoid them.

“What’re you doin’, woman? That was prime advertisin’ space, right outside the store. Why’d you pull it down?”

I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t want to tell him he looked like a serial killer.

But, for God’s sake, he looked like a serial killer.

“Tex, you look like a serial killer in this picture!” I shouted.

“Yeah, so?” Tex answered.

I stared.

“You think people wouldn’t pay good money to have a serial killer make them coffee?” he boomed.

He had a point. This was America, people would stand in line to touch the swastika on Charles Manson’s forehead.

I stomped to the back to get the mop to clean up the grounds. After I did that, I spelled Jane behind the counter. Tex cursed, banged, slammed and crashed through every cup of coffee he made, as if each creation had to be wrenched by force out of the seven thousand dollar machine. I tried to put this down to the fact that he was making coffee one-handed, due to the sling, but it took all my willpower not to put my hands to the sides of my head and scream bloody murder.

“What’d you…” Bang! “get up to last night?” Clank! Tex asked.

“Bar brawl…” Smash! “stunned-gunned a few people…” Kablam! “Lee caught some guy who jumped bond, then we came home.” Crash! I answered then asked, “You?”

“After doin’ the posters, the cats and me had a quiet night.” Bam!

The morning passed relatively normally, not counting Jane and I jumping every time Tex bashed the espresso machine or cursed (which was a lot). I spent the morning trying to decide where I should go to avoid Lee for the night, because, let’s face it, telling your girlfriend what to wear was bad enough, doing it in front of someone else was a serious transgression.

If he was anyone else, he’d have his walking orders. Since he was Lee, and he loved me, and he wanted (or, more to the point, was going) to marry me, I was willing to be pretty fucking angry for awhile and then carry a mean grudge.

I couldn’t stay with anyone I knew because Lee knew everyone I knew. This meant hotel, which was easy pickin’s. He’d probably get Brody to write some program to hack into the computer register of every hotel in Denver and find me in half an hour.

No, I needed to be clever. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that clever.

Around eleven thirty, Duke staggered in looking hungover because he was. Duke being hungover and Tex banging on the espresso machine was not a good combination, so, fifteen minutes later, Duke took off for some hair of the dog.

The coffee crowd was long gone and Tex snatched up the poster I’d pulled down and I watched him stalk outside with a staple gun to put it back on the pole. It was then I got a brilliant idea and followed him out.

“Hey Tex,” I said.

“What?” He stapled the semi-mutilated poster so many times it was going to have to wear off the pole.

“Would you mind if I crashed at your place tonight?” I asked.

“Don’t you have a place?”

“I can’t go to my place,” I told him.

“Doesn’t your boyfriend have a place?”

“His place isn’t an option.”

Tex stopped stapling and turned to me. He watched me for a couple of seconds, ciphering something in his head, came to a decision and then shrugged.

“You can share the couch with Tiddles, Winky and Flossy.”

“Thanks.”

I had to admit, I really liked sleeping with Lee. His body was comfy warm but strong and solid so I felt cozy and protected all at the same time. I didn’t think Tiddles, Winky and Flossy were going to have the same effect but it was just one night, I’d cope.

It was three o’clock and Duke hadn’t come back. Jane was off doing whatever Jane did when she wasn’t at Fortnum’s (I imagined her tapping away at an old electric typewriter like Angela Lansbury). I was sitting behind the book counter reading through a magazine someone had left behind and Tex was sitting in the middle of one of the couches, looking wild-eyed and frightening.

“This is boring,” Tex said.

I looked up from the extraordinary tale of the courage of a young man faced with a rare form of cancer and then looked back down without answering.

What could I say? It was boring.

“Do something,” Tex demanded.

I looked up again.

“What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know, something. Isn’t it on someone’s schedule today to kidnap you and hold you hostage?”

Oh, dear Lord.

“All the bad guys are either dead or behind bars,” I told him.

“Bummer.”

Great.

The door opened and Mr. Kumar came in, behind him shuffled in scary, living-dead Mrs. Salim.

“We came to sell you back your book,” Mr. Kumar announced.

Double great. That triumph was short-lived.

“That’s cool, Mr. Kumar but I don’t buy them for as much as I sell them,” I told him.

Mr. Kumar nodded. “It’s like a rental.”

I looked at him.

I could live with that.

Mrs. Salim shuffled into the bowels of the bookstore.

“She wants another one,” Mr. Kumar said.

My day brightened.

“That’s cool too,” I told him.

“Hey, Kumar. You want coffee?” Tex called.

“Hello Tex! No, no coffee. I’ll take some tea, though.”

“No tea,” Tex said.

I turned my head and looked at the gazillion boxes of Celestial Seasonings lined up on shelves on the wall.

“We have tea,” I told Tex.

“Okay, then, I don’t make tea.”

I sighed and went behind the counter and made Mr. Kumar some tea.

I was handing him a cup when the door opened and Ally and Kitty Sue walked in.

“What’s shakin’?” Ally asked then spied Tex and Mr. Kumar. “Hey Tex. Mr. Kumar.”

“Do you want coffee?” Tex barked.

Both Ally and Kitty Sue took a step back.

“He’s replaced Rosie. He’s a java idiot savant,” I told them.

“Yeah, I’ll take a coffee,” Ally said (which was smart).

Tex lumbered behind the counter and started banging away.

“Girl’s Night Out still on for tonight?” Kitty Sue asked me.

“Yep,” I said.

“I’ll take some of that action,” Tex said.

We all looked at him.

“It’s Girl’s Night Out, Tex,” I explained.

“So? What? Are there rules?” Tex asked.

“Yes. The rule is, it’s a night out, for girls,” I answered.

“Woman, you think I’m missin’ another bar fight or quick draw, you’re crazy. I’m comin’ out with you tonight.”

Kitty Sue’s face got pale.

I figured it was best to give in before Tex gave Kitty Sue a heart attack.

“I’ll ask Tod and Stevie too, even out the numbers.”

The door opened and a short, slight, dark-haired man walked in with fashionably mussed hair and a well-tailored suit. He was carrying a bright greeny-blue Tiffany’s bag.

“Is there an India Savage here?” he asked.

My heart stopped.

It had to be a gift from Lee. He said he didn’t do hearts and flowers but that was before he told me to change my clothes in front of Eddie. This must be an apology gift and any apology gift in a Tiffany’s bag was The Apology Gift to Beat All Apology Gifts.

I didn’t know what I was all bothered about, it wasn’t like Lee hadn’t given me gifts before. Last Christmas he bought Kitty Sue, Ally and I a day at the Tall Grass Spa in Evergreen. He’d also bought me a black belt with matte silver rivets and big square buckle last year, a special gift for my thirtieth birthday. Usually, he got me select pieces of silver jewelry from Cry Baby Ranch or gift certificates from Wax Trax.

Tiffany’s didn’t seem his style but I wasn’t going to complain.

Before I could get to the Tiffany Guy, Tex was there, snatching the bag out of his hand. Tiffany Guy stayed rooted to the spot, staring at Tex in horror.

“What is it? Is it ticking?” Tex boomed.

“Tex, give that to me,” I said, rushing over.

Tex shoved the bag under his sling and pulled the tiny blue box out of the bag. He defiled all that was Tiffany and, using his teeth, he tore open the little, white, satin bow and shook out the case, snapping it open.

I skidded to a halt beside him and stared at a pair of diamond stud earrings, huge diamond stud earrings.

Wow, Lee must be really sorry.

“There’s a card,” Tiffany Guy said, gingerly taking the bag from under Tex’s sling and pulling out a little white card and handing it to me.

I slid it open, pulled out the card and saw one word scrawled on it.

It said, Terry.

I felt my stomach roll.

“Put them back,” I said to Tex.

“What?” Tex was dazzled by the diamonds.

“Put them back.” Tex didn’t move, so I shouted, “Back, back, back! Put them back!”

“Cripes, woman, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’ll put ‘em back,” Tex replied.

“I want you to take them back,” I told Tiffany Guy.

“I can’t take them back. I have express orders not to take them back,” Tiffany Guy returned.

“You have to take them back!” I shouted.

“I can’t,” Tiffany Guy said back.

I snatched the box out of Tex’s hand and pushed it toward Tiffany Guy. He put his hands up and took a step back.

“Take them!” I yelled, jerking my arm toward him.

“No, I can’t. We were told not to accept a refusal.”

“Take them!” I shrieked.

“For God sake, take ‘em, man, she’s gonna blow,” Tex boomed.

He didn’t take them so I threw the box at him. It bounced off his chest and landed on the floor. We were all staring at it when I heard the tone from my cell.

I felt something on my arm and looked down at Zombie Mrs. Salim. She was holding onto my arm and looking into my eyes. Her fingers squeezed my arm with surprising strength and I felt a weird sense of well-being steal over me.

It was then I realized I was totally freaking out and I took a deep breath, nodded to Mrs. Salim and picked up the box. I snatched the bag out of Tiffany Guy’s hand and put them back in the bag and set them on the book counter.

Whatever.

I’d give them to charity or something.

“Indy, it’s Lee,” Ally was standing by me now and she was holding out my phone.

How could I forget? The place was wired and had cameras. Command Headquarters had informed Lee of the latest delivery.

I took the phone from Ally and snapped it shut.

Ally stared at the phone, then at me.

“Did you just hang up on Lee?” she asked.

“Yep,” I answered.

Ally stared back at the phone, then back at me.

“You just hung up on my brother?” Ally asked, sidling into bitch smackdown mode in defense of her sibling.

“Ally,” Kitty Sue said placatingly.

“We’re on a break,” I told Ally.

“You’re on a break? You’ve been together a week!” Ally yelled.

“We’re on a break,” I repeated.

“I don’t believe this,” Ally snapped, her hand at her hip, countdown to bitch smackdown mode hitting critical.

“Ally,” Kitty Sue put in, “it’s none of your business.”

“What do you mean it’s none of my business? Lee’s my brother, she’s my best friend.”

“She means it’s none of your business,” I told Ally, “back off.”

“Back off? Did you just tell me to back off? I’ve been waiting twenty-two years for this!” Ally was back to yelling. “You can’t be on a break. That’s ridiculous! Hank’s never gonna get married, there’s no one perfect for him. You’re perfect for Lee and you won’t sort it out with him. I’m never gonna get a niece named after me.”

“For God’s sake, Ally, make your own babies,” I yelled back.

“No please, don’t do that. Not until you’ve found someone special,” Kitty Sue threw in.

“Um… I don’t mean to interrupt your asinine conversation but, are we gonna let those diamond earrings just sit on the counter?” Tex asked.

“What’s happening?” Duke had walked in and was surveying the scene.

I didn’t know what to do. My life had never been this out of control before. I didn’t know how to deal. I needed space. I needed time. I needed rock ‘n’ roll.

“Duke, you okay to close?” I asked Duke and he nodded. In turn, I addressed everyone (but Ally, of course). “Kitty Sue, please help Mrs. Salim find a book. Mr. Kumar, the tea’s on the house. Someone put those earrings somewhere safe and if Lee or one of his boys comes to get them, give them to him. Tex, can I borrow your car?”

He tossed me the keys. “Bronze El Camino, parked out back.”

I stomped outside and slid into the El Camino and stared in shock at the 8-track player. After a moment, I noticed there was a huge, leatherette case on the passenger side floor and I popped it open.

That’s when I hit the mother lode.

I ran my finger down them, Carlos Santana, The Eagles, Heart, War, Neil Young, George Thorogood, Thin Lizzy, The Allman Brothers Band, Molly Hatchet, BTO… it was rock ‘n’ roll nirvana.

A yanked Free out of the case and slammed it into the 8-track. I turned on the car, rolled down the windows, turned up the volume, pulled my gold Elvis shades down over my eyes and peeled out of the alley, down Bayaud and onto Broadway. I screeched passed Lee who was slamming the door to the Crossfire which was parked in a spot right in front of Fortnum’s.

“All Right Now” was screaming from the windows.

Bliss.