Searching for Perfect

fifteen

NATE CUPPED HIS hands around his microbrew and watched his brother trudge into the bar. It had been the week from hell, between endless work hours and coming to terms with the fact that Kennedy didn’t want him. Of course, he was the biggest dumbass on the planet. Who else confessed his love in third person? In front of another guy? In code?

He deserved for her to walk.

Connor slid into the booth, and ordered a Coors Lite from the waitress. “Bad day, Con? You didn’t even hit on her.”

He waited for his brother’s easygoing laugh and a crude retort, but Connor only shrugged his shoulders. “Whatever. What’s going on with you?”

Besides losing the woman he loved? “Thought we had a breakthrough with a formula, then found out we didn’t. Wayne almost cried like a baby. Told him he needed to get out of the lab or he’d go loco. How’s the new job?”

“Fine. Same group of guys, so no surprises.” His brother snorted. “Not that there’s any surprises in my life.”

Nate frowned. The beer came, and his brother guzzled it down like water. “What’s up? You’re not yourself.”

Another shrug. “Nothing. Jay caught his girlfriend cheating on him and went nuts on the job. She’s a nail technician, remember? Really hot blonde. Told you, little brother. Stay away from those women; they’ll nail you and watch you bleed for fun.”

Whoa. He wondered if he could talk with his brother—really talk. Wolfe’s advice was helpful, but after the engagement party fiasco, he just wasn’t sure if he should try to move on or keep fighting. He cleared his throat and tried not to feel like an ass. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“It’s about Kennedy. Do you remember her?”

“Yeah, the looker from your matchmaking agency. What’s up?”

Ah, he hated this open-heart, male-to-male stuff. Especially with Connor. “Well, she was setting me up with that girl Sue, remember?”

“The one I met at your place? Yeah. You liked her, right?”

“Sue? Yeah, I liked Sue, but I’ve been spending a lot of time with Kennedy, and I sorta fell for her.”

Connor took another guzzle and wiped his mouth. “Like how? You mean you wanted to sleep with her?”

“Yeah. Well, that’s not all I wanted, but we ended up sleeping together.”

“Nice! That’s what I’m talking about! A little Sue, a little Kennedy, and you’re back in the game, my man.”

Nate pushed his hands through his hair and tried not to groan. “No, you’re not listening. See, I didn’t sleep with Sue. I decided Sue wasn’t right for me, but when I say I fell for Kennedy, it means more than sex. It means I fell in love with her.”

His brother stilled. His voice dropped to ice. “What are you talking about? You can’t love that woman—she’s the matchmaker, right? Didn’t she try to make you hot shit to find someone else?”

“Yeah. But it got complicated. We ended up spending time together, I got to know her, and I fell in love.”

Connor shook his head. “Listen, you need to back off. You spent way too much time with her, and she did this transformation thing, and you got sucked in. Keep your mouth shut, and it will go away, I promise.”

“I already told her.”

“Shit.” His brother drained the bottle and raised his hand for another. “Nate, I saw her, and she’s gonna destroy you. She’s like a walking supermodel with sex vibes. You don’t need a life like we had with Mom, just waiting for her to leave.”

“She won’t. I know she won’t.”

“She will!”

They glared at each other. Nate tightened his lips. “I should’ve known you wouldn’t understand. You never had the balls to go after a woman worth anything. You’d rather assume she’s gonna screw you over than take the risk at some happiness. God, you and Kennedy are both cut from the same cloth. Can’t you just give me some good advice for a change instead of your usual bullshit?”

Connor jerked in the chair. Nate cursed under his breath and opened his mouth to apologize, but Jerry stopped at their table. “Hey, guys, I’m gonna join you. Sorry about the job, Con, but I warned you. Ed was a shoo-in. Ridiculous that they want college fucking degrees to work with your hands. But at least we’ll have more time to hang out—you don’t need that job.”

Nate stared at his brother. “You didn’t get the job?”

Connor laughed. Bitterness twisted his face. “I told you. No big deal. I’m not meant for the stuff you are, little brother. Not love, or management. And that’s okay. At least I know my place in life.”

The bull flying out of his mouth made Nate pause. “That’s ridiculous. You can’t believe that. Look, when is the next position coming up? Maybe we can—”

“Drop it. I don’t want you to mention this crap again. You don’t like my advice, fine. Do whatever you want, get your heart trashed. But stay out of my business. Now, I’m gonna get drunk with Jerry. You can stay or go. Come on, Jer.”

He left the table, grabbing his beer, and joined another group of construction workers at the far end of the bar. Nate leaned his head against the booth, and closed his eyes.

Overall, this was one shit day.

He stared at the table. Thought about his options for a long time. Then made his decision.

He had a bad feeling his night was going to get even shittier.

KENNEDY PROPPED HER FOOT up and sank deeper into the bubbles. What a crappy day. One breakup, a client who insisted on picking her dates based on looks, and the suffering silence of her best friends. Every look reminded her of their disapproval of her decision. She had no idea if Nate and Mary had hooked up yet and decided to distance herself a bit before reaching out for contact. Things had gotten way overheated at the engagement party.

She breathed in the scent of ginger and sandalwood and reminded herself this was the right move. Every day Nate spent away would give him the distance he needed to move on. He didn’t love her, it was just the bonding process getting to him. Sue hadn’t been the right match, so that hadn’t helped. Maybe—

The door banged. Once. Twice.

Huh, who would be here on a work night? Kate had a key, and would’ve let herself right in. Gen and Arilyn would’ve called.

Another bang. More insistent.

A neighbor? She got herself out of the tub, grabbed a long teal robe, and cinched it tight. Her hair dripped but she quickly wrung it out with a towel.

Bang number five.

“I’m coming!” She trudged to the door and looked out the window.

Crap.

She paused. Took a deep breath. And opened the door.

“Hey.”

She huffed out an impatient breath. “You shouldn’t be here.”

He looked terrible. He looked wonderful. He wore his lab coat, and a bright red stain marked two places in the front. Definitely ketchup. His pocket protector was fully clipped and held a pencil, pen, and mini notepad. His hair was mussed but held the wave Benny perfected, along with the trimmed scruff around his lip and chin. She knew now the scruff scratched deliciously when he rubbed against her face, but his hair could be silky smooth when he rested his head against her breast.

“We need to talk. Are you naked under that robe?”

“No. Look, we can’t see each other like this anymore. We had good sex, said some things, but we need to back off now. I know you didn’t mean what you said last week so let’s just forget it.”

“Good sex or great?”

“Great.”

“I meant every damn word. I’m coming in.” He walked right past her and shut the door. The click caused shivers to jump over her naked body. He stood in the middle of her living room, hands on hips, studying every bare inch of skin peeking out from her robe. She yanked the sash tighter and crossed her arms in front of her breasts.

“Have you gone out with Mary yet?”

He gave a short laugh. “God help me. I tell you I love you, and you try to set me up with a date.”

“See! I told you we weren’t good for each other. Nate, please. Just go.”

“Not yet. I’m here to say my piece, and if you don’t want to see me again, fine. I’ll leave you alone.”

Her heart screamed to grab him and hold on. Her head kept her frozen to the ground. “Go ahead.”

“I’m an ass. I told you I loved you the wrong way, but I’m always doing things like this, and if we’re together that’s not gonna change. I wear my food on my clothes, mutter physics equations under my breath, and am OCD when it comes to germs in public restaurants. I say stupid shit, I’m obsessed with golf, and I fucking love you. I just love you.”

Her heart cracked open and crumbled. Tears clogged her throat, and she thought she was dying. It was the most honest, romantic, sexy damn thing any man had ever said to her. He looked at her with every naked emotion clearly revealed on his face. Her soul cried out to run into his arms and never let go. But the inner voice she’d lived with for so many years remained quiet.

“I’ll never be able to give you what you need.”

The words shattered around them like splintering glass.

He closed the distance and stood in front of her. “Try.”

“You deserve more.”

Male temper shot from his body. Raw lust shot from his gaze. He studied her for a while, then leaned in. “You lied.”

She wet her lips. Shuddered. “About what?”

“You are naked under that robe.”

He buried his hands in her wet hair and took her lips.

The kiss burned hot and fast, with no explanation, seduction, or apology. This was another side to him, the frustrated lover desperate to prove something, desperate to claim. She moaned under the sensual assault but couldn’t fight back. Her body melted and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and took it all. As if she knew it was temporary, that she couldn’t give him an “I love you” back, so she’d offer her body as the sacrifice.

He ripped the robe from her shoulders. Lifted her high so she was forced to wrap her legs around his waist. His mouth still on hers, his tongue thrust inside as he walked her out of the living room and right into the bedroom.

When he finally slid her down, her feet touched the cool wood of the floor. She heard the bang of a door opening and blinked, trying to get her bearings. He turned her with rough fingers.

The full-length mirror stared back at her.

She kept it on the back of the closet door only to check her final outfit. Her battle with mirrors was legendary, and she normally kept her interactions with them to a minimum. Her mouth opened in horror, the arousal quickly slipping away as she saw her entire naked body on display.

“No.” She tried to turn, but his grip was ruthless. His fingers bit into her shoulders and held her still.

“Yes. This is bigger than me confessing my love for you. Bigger than sex. This is about thinking I don’t see you, that no one sees you, even yourself. So let’s blow that illusion away right now, shall we?”

He bent his head so he spoke against her ear. One hand left her shoulder to cup her breast, deliberately twisting her nipple to a hard point. The tingles shot down her belly and just like that, her body was back up and raring to go. She closed her eyes, but he quickly kicked her legs apart and bit down on her earlobe.

“Eyes open. It’s time you see what I do when I look at you. This body you tortured and broke and then healed is beautiful. Look how you respond to my touch, as if you were meant to blossom under my hands.”

Kennedy moaned again, caught between wanting him to continue and the horror of seeing herself exposed in every form. He didn’t give her time to rationalize or think. Continuing to tweak and plump her left breast, his other hand delved between her splayed legs and played.

Oh, God.

Her lids drifted half shut, but she watched them in the mirror. She grew hot and wet under the plucking ministrations, until her hips rolled in time to try to catch more. Her nipples turned a dark cherry red, like a topping on a sundae, and the whole time his gaze burned and locked on hers, not allowing her to escape his lust. His arms were brown from the sun now, and contrasted erotically with her rosy flesh.

“Look at you. Open and wet and pink from your bath.” His erection pressed in the nudge of her buttocks and made its own demand. “If I were an artist, I’d paint you like this and hang it by my desk so I could look at you all day and remember how you’re meant for me.” His thumb coaxed the nub of her clit to harden further, and her empty channel pulsed for more, needing to be filled by his fingers and tongue and dick, needing all of him.

“Nate,” she gasped.

“Yes, you’re getting closer. Let it go, baby, and watch me make you come. Look at how fucking gorgeous you are.”

His hands slipped deep between her legs, and moved back and forth in a steady rhythm. His thumb pressed and rotated, never giving up the teasing pressure, and his open mouth bit and sucked the side of her neck.

The woman in the mirror was a primitive being bent on satisfaction and pleasure. Her hips rocked and demanded more, her breath panted through her lips, and her nipples stabbed into his hand and begged for relief. She sunk into the depths of darkness and ecstasy, not caring about anything other than giving this man anything he wanted, anything he asked for.

The tension tightened in her belly and he moved faster, bringing her close, holding her on the edge until she cried out, leaning against him, and surrendering to every sensation.

“Nate! Please, Nate!”

“Yes, baby, here you go. Watch yourself, don’t look away.”

He plunged deep and massaged her clit.

She came hard on a high scream. Her body shuddered as the release went on and on, soaking his hands, jerking helplessly against him. He twisted her head around and kissed her deep, and then he was picking her up again and laying her on the bed. He ripped off his clothes, sheathed himself with a condom, and settled himself between her legs.

“I love you, Kennedy Ashe.”

Then he took her, hard and fast, pinning her down with his body with a brute force that rocketed her to another orgasm in seconds. He emptied himself and she hung on tight, tears rolling down her cheeks as she shattered and broke open, never to remain the same again.

They lay quietly together for a while in the semidarkness. The scent of soap and sex and citrus drifted to her nostrils. She clung to him and wondered if she was strong enough to do what she needed to do.

“This isn’t about me, baby. It’s about you. I can chase you forever, promise you the world, but until you take the leap with me, I can’t win. I don’t just love your body. I love your incredible mind, and your sweet soul, and your inner strength. I love the life you built for yourself with your friends and your career. I love every part of you—good and bad—dark and light—and I want to share it all. But you have to let me.”

Her lashes were wet when she blinked, but Kennedy knew her answer.

“I can’t.” He stiffened underneath her. “I’m not trying to punish you, or hurt you. I don’t trust myself enough. I can’t promise it’ll work, or if I’ll be able to commit to a long-term relationship, or that I’ll do something terrible to free myself. I won’t do what your mother did. I won’t take that risk. Not with you. Not with your heart.”

He was silent. Their breathing rose and fell in the air. Slowly, he disengaged from her on the bed and stood up. She watched him get dressed with slow, methodical movements.

“I won’t play this game. I deserve happiness. So do you. But if you’ve already fated us for doom, we’ll never make it. I’d wait for you, but I’m afraid I may wait forever since you seem intent on not hurting me.” He gave a humorless laugh. “Which, ironically, you just did.”

He began walking out of the room. “You win. I’ll call Mary. Good-bye, Ken.”

He left.

She knew she’d done the right thing, the only thing. There were no guarantees, and she didn’t do Cinderella endings.

Never had.

Never would.

Kennedy buried her face into the pillow and cried.