Secrets of a Scandalous Marriage

CHAPTER 36

James left her room. In the early morning hours, he gathered his clothes and boots, slipped into the hall, and was gone. Afterward, Kate had lain on the bed and closed her eyes, remembering all the delicious things he’d done to her body last night and allowing herself a moment … to dream.

The dreams she’d had while locked in the Tower were never this good. She and James, getting married. She and James, spending their lives together. She and James, with children. She sucked in her breath. She couldn’t even imagine that happiness. Didn’t dare to dream it. In the end, she’d told him she had to think about it, that she would give him her answer later today, but she knew he thought he’d won. He thought their marriage was a foregone conclusion. Oh, how wonderful it would be if she could believe so strongly too. James might say he didn’t care about her ruined reputation and the fact that Society would cast them both out, but did he mean it?

He might mean it now while their relationship was new and they were happy. But she’d seen how quickly feelings could change. She and George had been happy once too … or so she’d thought. And then one day everything had changed. No, she couldn’t bear it if that happened with James. Marriage was difficult enough without huge problems at the start. They wouldn’t be able to survive the pressure of her blackened reputation. James would come to resent her, as George had. Just for a different reason.

A soft knock sounded at the door. Kate blinked open her eyes and quickly rolled back over and sat up. Surely it wasn’t James … again? She pulled up the covers to her chin. “Come in.”

The door cracked open and Lily’s head appeared. “Good morning, Kate. May I come in?”

“Of course,” Kate answered brightly. She bit her lip. Oh, what would Lily Morgan think about her antics last night? She couldn’t even consider it. She looked away, a blush heating her cheeks.

“Merry Christmas,” Lily said, coming to sit on the edge of the bed.

Kate smiled brightly. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had such a good Christmas morning. “Merry Christmas to you. And thank you again for inviting me here.”

“I do hope I didn’t wake you. I just wanted to come and check on you. The men have gone riding this morning. They took Justin with them. So it’s just Annie and I downstairs for breakfast if you’d like to join us.”

Kate nodded and stretched. “Yes. I’d like that very much.”

“Excellent.” Lily stood and walked over to the windows. She glanced outside. “My, it snowed quite a lot last night.”

Kate looked toward the window, but of course she couldn’t see out. “Did it?”

“Yes,” Lily replied. “It’s sure to be a merry Christmas.”

Kate stretched and yawned this time. She wholeheartedly agreed. “I’ll just see you downstairs in a few minutes.”

Lily nodded. “I’ll send up a maid to help you dress.”

Lily made her way over to the door and opened it. She turned back momentarily. “And I just wanted to tell you again, Kate, that whatever you decide to do after the holiday, Devon and I support you completely. You can stay here, go to London, whatever you’d like.”

Kate sat up straight. “Thank you, Lily. You’re very kind. I haven’t yet decided what I shall do, but I’m ever so grateful for your friendship.”

Lily nodded. “Medford would help you too, you know?”

Kate glanced down at her hands. She traced the flowered pattern of the bedspread with her fingertip. “I know.”

Shutting the door, Lily quickly moved back over and sat on the edge of the bed again. “You should consider giving James a chance. He’s so noble and honorable. And I think he cares for you a great deal.”

“Yes, and all I’ve done is ruin his reputation. I’ll never forgive myself. I cannot help but think it will be better for him if I go to the Continent.”

Lily frowned. “Ruined his reputation? No. Sullied perhaps. But don’t worry about that. James can take care of himself. He can be very charming when he needs to be; no doubt he’ll be back in the good graces of the ton before spring. Besides.” Lily paused. “I don’t think James wants you to go to the Continent.”

Kate’s head snapped up. “Did you speak with him…? Today, I mean.”

Lily shook her head. “No.”

Kate expelled her breath. For a moment she’d wondered if James had told Lily he’d asked her to marry him, though he’d done it in a roundabout way. “I’ve no wish to see what’s left of James’s reputation be ruined because of me.”

“Reputation is important to him,” Lily amended. “But it’s not the most important thing.”

Kate furrowed her brow. “What’s the most important?”

“I told you before, James has a deep need to fix everything.” Lily squeezed her hand. She stood and walked toward the door. She fluttered her hand in the air. “Why, he even tried to marry me once because of it. Poor man. We would have made each other miserable of course. But that’s the sort of man he is. He knew I had nowhere else to turn so he offered for me.”

Kate went hot then cold. She clutched at the bed sheets. “Ja … James offered for you?”

Lily nodded. “Yes. It was months ago, and he was only doing it out of duty. He’s such a dear friend.”

Kate’s stomach clenched. Duty. Of course. How could she have forgotten that? James might have forgotten himself and made love to her last night. But he’d only offered for her last night out of duty. Not love. Never love. Now that she considered it, he hadn’t even said the words, had he? No. He was just trying to fix everything. As usual.

She pressed her hand against her belly, feeling as if she might retch. Lily didn’t know it but she’d just saved her from making another terrible mistake when it came to marriage. Kate had told herself once that it didn’t hurt to daydream. What a lie that had been.

She sucked in a deep breath. She had to go. Had to get out of here.

“Lily,” she said, just as the other woman was about to leave.

Lily turned back around.

“Yes?”

“I believe I’ve made my decision.”