Shades of Gray

CHAPTER 16

P.J. parked outside Steele’s home, cut the ignition and then gripped the steering wheel with both hands. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. This would be the hardest thing she’d ever done, but it was necessary.

She glanced at the huge duffel bag sitting in the passenger seat of the rental. Everything that belonged to KGI.

Getting out, she walked around to the other side to open the door. Bracing herself, she picked up the heavy bag and hoisted it over her shoulder.

Grimacing as her still-healing incisions protested, she started for the door only to see Steele standing in the doorway watching her progress.

His silence unnerved her, but only because she was nervous and she hated what she was about to say.

“Where the hell have you been?”

She blinked and drew up short on the top step. He looked angry when Steele usually looked unflappable. His gaze swept over her, top to bottom, as if examining her wellness for himself.

“Can I come in?” she asked. “I need to talk to you.”

Steele reached for the bag and then scowled. “What the hell is this, P.J.?”

She sighed and brushed past him into the house. Her palms were sweaty and she rubbed them repeatedly down her pants legs.

This wasn’t a social call, and he evidently picked up on that much. He didn’t steer her toward the living room but instead walked her back to his office, which overlooked the expansive rear of his property.

She flopped gratefully into one of the armchairs in front of his desk and waited.

He dropped the bag on the other chair and then stalked around to sit behind the desk. And then he leveled a stare at her. One that would make a grown man quake in his boots.

“Care to explain why you bailed from the hospital, didn’t let me or your team know where you were going, how you were doing or, hell, even if you were alive? Do you know how worried we’ve been for the last few weeks? You fell completely off the radar. No one’s been able to get in touch with you. You didn’t go home and you didn’t check in. What the fuck, P.J.?”

She winced and closed her eyes. There was no easy way to do this, and a clean cut was always better than a jagged one. She ought to know.

“I’m turning in my gear.”

Steele’s lips tightened. “I can see that much.”

“I quit,” she said baldly. “I’m off the team.”

“That’s it?”

She nodded.

He swore through clenched teeth. “What the hell is going on in your head, P.J.?”

“This is something I need to do,” she said, notching her chin upward. “It’s what I have to do.”

“I won’t accept your resignation.”

“You don’t have a choice,” she said softly. “I’m out.”

“Look, take some time off. There was no way in hell you were going out with the team anytime soon anyway. Don’t make an emotional decision you’ll regret later. Your job will be waiting when you get yourself together.”

She almost laughed. Get herself together? She’d done nothing but that for the last three weeks. Three agonizingly long weeks where she’d lain dreaming of revenge and of returning tenfold the hurt that had been done to her.

She rose, knowing nothing good could come of her continued presence here. Steele was pissed and she didn’t want to waste time arguing with him.

“My decision is final.”

Steele’s jaw bulged and flexed. “Don’t do anything stupid, P.J.”

She turned back to face him and paused a long moment. And she lied.

“I need some downtime. I don’t want my team worrying. I don’t want to leave you a man short while I’m getting my shit together. It’s not fair to you or my teammates. I should be replaced and you know it. I’m a liability, and you can’t afford to take a mission short a man. Fill the spot, Steele.”

“Just like that,” he snapped.

She took a steadying breath and prayed she didn’t lose her composure before she managed to get out.

“I can’t do this, Steele. Just let me go.”

He stared at her a long moment. And then he rose and walked around to stand just in front of her. He put his hand on her shoulder and gently squeezed. It was so out of character for him that she could only stand there in befuddlement.

“Take your time, P.J. Get your head straight and then you come back and talk to me. If you’re still so determined to quit in a few months’ time, then I’ll accept your resignation. But until then, you’re still a part of this team. My team.”

She bit into her lip to keep the tears from crowding her vision.

“Thank you.”

Then she turned and walked rapidly out of his office and back through the house. She strode blindly to her vehicle and got in before she could change her mind. She couldn’t be weak. Not now.

What she had to do could in no way reflect on KGI or her team. She wouldn’t drag them into the mire she was about to descend into herself.