Shades of Gray

CHAPTER 3

P.J. lay in the hollow of Cole’s arm, her head rested on his chest. Lethargy had her in its firm grip and she was okay with that. She was loose and limber and extremely satisfied. She hadn’t felt this good in a long time.

His fingers stroked idly up and down her arm and she liked the sensation of those light touches.

Never in a million years would she have guessed when she got up this morning that she would have had mind-blowing sex with Cole and then be snuggling with him afterward like an old married couple.

It defied logic.

“Why didn’t we do this a long time ago?” she asked.

Cole’s grip on her arm temporarily tightened. “It certainly wasn’t for lack of desire on my part. I figured you’d have my balls if I ever suggested it.”

She pushed upward so she could face him, and his hand fell down her back to rest possessively on her ass.

“So why now? You didn’t come all the way to Denver just to say hello, so you obviously planned this.”

“I wouldn’t say I planned it,” he corrected. “I hoped. I was tired of wondering whether this preoccupation was one-sided. I finally said fuck it and got on the plane. The worst you could do is tell me to fuck off and mock me for the rest of my life.”

She laughed. “Would I do that?”

He cupped her breast with his other hand and rubbed his thumb across her nipple. “You most certainly would.”

Her breath hitched as he continued to toy with her nipple. It was a stiff peak straining toward him, begging for his touch. Her entire body was begging. It scared her because this was one man she would never be able to get enough of.

It was like putting a ten-pound Hershey bar in front of a chocolate addict and expecting the person to stop after one bite.

“So who were the guys at the bar?” Cole asked.

She went from being deliciously mellow to instant agitation at the mention of Derek and company.

“That bad?”

She glanced at Cole, who was studying her curiously.

“Not people I really want to talk about.”

“Throw me a bone here, P.J. I know next to nothing about you and I have to admit, I’m not in the habit of going to bed with women I barely know.”

She lifted an eyebrow.

“You don’t believe me? Do you think I’m some kind of man whore?”

She smiled at that. “Maybe not a man whore, but I’m sure you get your share of action from the ladies. There’s not a whole lot wrong with you.”

“Somehow you make what seems like a compliment sound more like an insult.”

She sighed and sat up, crossing her legs so she could sit next to him. He remained lying down so that she was looking down at him, her knees just touching his side.

“It’s complicated.”

“Aren’t most things?”

She couldn’t argue with that.

“They’re from the S.W.A.T. team I was on. I was . . . involved with Derek.”

“Is that the guy you decked?”

She winced. “Saw that much, huh?”

“Kind of hard to miss. Pretty impressive swing, by the way. He’s much bigger than you and you nearly flattened him.”

That made her grin. Cole was just . . . comfortable. She liked being around him. He was easy to talk to even if she rarely talked about anything personal. Maybe it was why she was careful not to broach those kinds of topics with him, because he was so easy to talk to that she’d no doubt find herself blurting out everything.

“Yeah, that was Derek.”

“So I take it the breakup wasn’t exactly amicable.”

She sobered. “Not at all.”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She’d never told anyone about what had happened, even though she knew her current teammates were curious as to why she left S.W.A.T.

“Derek was dirty and I refused to look the other way. He was stealing drug money and later even drugs themselves when S.W.A.T. was called in to assist in drug busts. Instead of logging everything, he’d pocket stuff from the scene when things were still chaotic. I don’t know how long it had been going on. But one night I saw him pocket cash along with a bag of marijuana. When I called him on it, he basically told me to shut the fuck up and forget I ever saw it.”

“Upstanding guy,” Cole said in disgust.

“Maybe I was naive and too idealistic. I mean, to me, when I took the oath as a police officer and when I joined the S.W.A.T. team, it meant something to me. I had a very clear vision of right and wrong. Everything was very black-and-white to me with no gray area. But even being that way, I wanted to give Derek the benefit of the doubt and I was reluctant to turn him in because, like an idiot, I thought I was in love with him and I felt loyalty to him because we were lovers.”

Cole frowned.

“Yeah, tell me about it,” she muttered. “You aren’t thinking anything I haven’t said to myself countless times since. I was young and an idiot. To make a long story short, I confronted him and told him that if I ever caught him doing it again I’d turn him in.”

“I’m guessing that probably didn’t go over too well. Is that what caused the breakup?”

Her lips tightened. “No. And no, he didn’t take it well. Told me he didn’t take threats and that I needed to butt out. At that point our relationship cooled in a major way, but I figured he’d get over it and that my threat would dissuade him from doing it again. I’m still pissed at myself that I even gave him that second chance. It wasn’t the right thing to do, but I was thinking with my heart and so I went against everything I believed in. I hated myself for that.”

“Damn,” Cole murmured. “Don’t you think you’re being a little too hard on yourself?”

“No,” she said bluntly. “I wish I would have been harder. Two months later, we assisted in another drug raid. This was a big one. Several police officers went down, and Derek, the asshole, instead of worrying over his fellow officers, was more concerned with taking money from the scene. I went to my commander the next day and told him what I saw.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yeah, exactly. Internal Affairs got involved. It was a big, messy investigation. Derek was smart, though, and he didn’t leave any sort of trail. No deposits to a bank account. No change in spending habits. He’d planned long term and was apparently stashing the money where it couldn’t be found and was going to use it at a later date or maybe quit and then move off somewhere and spend the cash. I don’t really know what his plan was, but whatever it was, it certainly didn’t include me in the picture.”

“So they didn’t have any evidence on him?”

“No,” she said softly.

“Is that why you left then? Because you couldn’t work with him any longer?”

She hated this part. It still had the power to unravel her even after all this time.

“P.J.?”

She looked up, not really wanting to continue the conversation at this point.

His gaze was intense. Peeling back layer after layer until she felt bare and vulnerable under his scrutiny.

“What aren’t you telling me?”

She drew in a long breath and then let it out. “What I left out is the fact that my two best friends, or rather Derek’s best friends who I thought were my friends too, along with Derek hung me out to dry.”

Cole slipped his hand over the knee closest to his reach and squeezed gently. “What happened?”

“Up to this point, Derek and I had kept our relationship secret. It was against policy for members on the same team to fraternize, a rule, mind you, that didn’t exist before I joined because I was the first female on that team. But Derek went to our commander, along with Jimmy and Mike to corroborate his story, and told him that Derek and I were lovers and that he broke things off with me and that I’d launched my accusations out of revenge. Jimmy and Mike backed up his story by telling him a bunch of made-up shit, like that I’d threatened to ruin him when he broke up with me. And then they leaked that story far and wide until there wasn’t a police officer in the precinct who didn’t know that I was a crazy ex-girlfriend who’d tried to fuck over a fellow officer.”

“What a dickhead,” Cole said in disgust.

“I didn’t have a friend left in that department or on my team. No one wanted to believe that one of their own could be dirty, so it was far easier to believe his made-up bullshit. And there was also the fact that not everyone on S.W.A.T. was overjoyed that a woman had joined their ranks anyway, so Derek didn’t have to work hard to discredit me in their eyes.”

“Wow,” Cole said, shaking his head. “That is some fucked-up shit.”

“So I walked away, and I still hate myself for giving up that easily. I was devastated because I honestly didn’t see that coming. I did what I thought was the right thing and it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. But I couldn’t just stand by and let him continue what he was doing, because it was wrong, and I thought it would be as simple as telling the commander what I knew to be true and that the situation would be resolved. I learned the hard way that sometimes it is the wisest choice to just sit back and say nothing at all.”

“Bullshit,” Cole said.

She looked up in surprise at the explosive outburst.

“You did the right thing, P.J. Don’t ever doubt yourself on that count. You did the right thing and they didn’t. That’s on them. Not you.”

“But I’m the one who lost,” she said in a bitter tone.

“I’m sorry for the way it went down, but I’m not sorry you walked away, because it brought you to our team. To me.”

She was startled by the hint of emotion she heard in his voice. He levered up on one elbow, turned so they were much closer now and reached up to cup her cheek. He pulled her down into a tender kiss, and this time he took his time exploring, slowing the pace from their earlier reckless haste.

Slowly but with a firm hand, he nudged her over onto her back, his mouth never leaving hers.

Where before they’d been impatient and eager, now he seemed determined to be patient and gradual.

“I’m glad you came to KGI,” he murmured into her mouth. “I can’t imagine the team without you.”

She felt him reaching toward the nightstand, and then a moment later he rose up just enough that he could roll on the condom, and a bare second after, he slid into her in one firm push.

She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his body, pulling him even closer until they were molded against each other, flesh on flesh, no part of their bodies not touching in some way.

He rocked and undulated his hips, leisurely drawing out their pleasure, all the while making love to her with his mouth. Covering her face and neck with tender kisses.

It was a complete change from earlier when every kiss, every touch had been hot and frantic, almost a race to completion. That had been sex. Pure, unadulterated, hot sex.

But this?

This was different, and it unsettled her even as she allowed herself to fall over the edge with him. Because this wasn’t just sex. It felt a hell of a lot like making love. And she hadn’t reached that point with Derek even after two years of being with him.