Shades of Gray

CHAPTER 27

P.J. felt about two hundred percent better after boiling herself in the hot shower. She’d even removed the bandages from her wound and cleaned it too. She’d get Cole to help her reapply the dressing until she got it looked at the next day at the hospital.

She put on a pair of gym shorts so the wound was easily accessible and then pulled on a T-shirt, not bothering with a bra. One, she didn’t have that much up top to worry over, and two, Cole had already seen everything she had. They should be well past the coy and modest stage by now.

After putting on socks to keep her feet warm, she carefully made her way back toward the living room. Cole wasn’t there, but she heard noise from the kitchen, so she went in search of him.

He was just placing the steaks on a platter to take them outside when he looked up and saw her.

“Hey,” he said softly. “Feel better?”

“You have no idea,” she breathed. “Almost human again.”

He set down the plate with the steaks and wiped his hands on a towel. Then he picked up a medicine bottle, shook out a pill and handed it to her.

“Just a sec, I’ll get you some milk to take it with. Not a good idea to take these on an empty stomach.”

She took the pill and waited while he poured a glass of milk and pushed it toward her on the counter. She sipped at the milk, grimacing before finally popping the pill into her mouth and drinking more to down it.

“Not a milk fan?”

She shook her head. “I don’t even like the smell of it. I get my calcium by eating cheese. Lots of it.”

“What would you like to drink with dinner? I’d offer you a beer but it wouldn’t go too well with that painkiller you just took.”

“Tea or water is fine. I’m more focused on the steak anyway. I’m already drooling over it and it’s still raw.”

He grinned. “Girl after my own heart. I’m a big fan of cow.”

“Oh, I’m not particular. I’ll eat a chicken or a pig with as much enthusiasm.”

He glanced down at her bare leg and frowned. “That wound looks pretty nasty. We should get another bandage on it.”

“Yeah, I thought you could help once you got the steaks on. I wanted to clean it in the shower. Plus the hot water felt good on it.”

“Can you make it outside or you want me to go put the steaks on then come back for you?”

She took a hesitant step forward, gripping the countertop. “You lead and I’ll follow. I’ll do my very best not to take a header.”

He smiled and picked up the platter, placing the tongs on top. As he walked out of the kitchen to the French doors overlooking the patio, she followed slowly behind him. By the time she made it to the door, he was already putting the steaks on the fire.

She stepped outside and breathed in the honeysuckle-scented air. Crickets chirped in the distance and the low hum of tree locusts rose in the evening air. The sky was covered with the pale shade of dusk and the sun was barely clinging to the horizon as it slipped lower and lower.

It was a perfect evening for a cookout.

She took a seat at the table and stretched her leg out to its full length underneath. The pain medication was already dulling the vicious ache, turning it to a more tolerable hum.

“It’s beautiful here,” she said as Cole lowered the lid to the grill.

“I like it. It’s close to work but it’s still private. I don’t have to worry about tripping over anyone when I’m here. It’s kind of nice after coming off a mission to hole up away from the world for a few days.”

“Steele had been bugging me to move out this way. You know, before that last mission and all.”

Cole studied her intently. “And? Were you considering it?”

“I don’t know,” she said honestly. “Before, I would have likely given it thought but probably would have put it off or made an excuse. I was comfortable in my routine and I liked that work was a world away from where I lived.”

“And now? You said before like things have changed, or at least your thinking has.”

She gazed over the pond, watching as the first firefly popped and glowed a line over the water before blinking off again.

There was something mesmerizing about fireflies. Something that took her back to her childhood when things were simple and summer days were spent chasing dreams.

It was a wake-up call that so much of her adulthood had been spent being unsatisfied with herself, her relationships and her jobs.

When had she changed from a laughing little girl dreaming of changing the world to a cynical adult who believed the world wasn’t savable?

“P.J.?”

Cole broke softly into her thoughts, and she realized he was waiting for a response to his question.

“Now I’m not so sure. It was actually the night you came into the bar when I had this moment of realization that I was still living in the past by hanging around in Denver. There’s nothing for me there. No reason to stay. No ties. Nothing. At least here I’d be closer to work if nothing else.”

“You’d have me,” he said.

She lifted her gaze to his and their eyes locked. He didn’t flinch away. Didn’t try to hide anything from her.

“I don’t want to screw up our friendship. I can’t lose that, Cole. It’s too important to me. It’s why I reacted the way I did the morning after, because all I could think was how stupid I’d been to risk something that means so very much to me.”

“You aren’t going to lose me, P.J. Don’t doom us before we even give it a shot.”

She dropped her gaze and returned it to the pond again, counting the fireflies as they danced through the air. More and more were popping into view, and the sounds of night grew louder. In the distance, an owl hooted, sending an eerie shiver down her spine.

Was he right? Was she guilty of not even giving them a shot? Of shooting them down before they even gave it a chance?

She was being a total chickenshit and offering up lame excuses when at the heart of the matter she was just . . . afraid.

“What if it doesn’t work out?” she asked, voicing one of those fears. “What if things end badly between us? We still have to work as a team, and if we fuck things up, it creates tension for the entire team yet we have to work together. Our camaraderie is what makes us so damn good. We could fuck up not only ourselves, but the entire team. Worse, we could end up getting one of the others killed. I don’t think I could live with that.”

“If it ever comes down to that, I’d be the one to leave,” he said quietly. “I’d never force you out, P.J.”

“It would still devastate me,” she whispered.

“Don’t you believe in forever?” he asked. “What about all those romance novels you read? Don’t they preach the happily-ever-after message?”

His words put an ache in her heart. She wanted happily ever after more than he could possibly know. She wanted forever. Problem was, she just wasn’t sure she believed in it anymore. It was why she clung to her fiction so much. She immersed herself in books because there she could be anyone and it was easy to believe in love and happily ever after.

“You’d make an awesome romance heroine. I’m just saying.”

She smiled. “You’d make a pretty badass romance hero too.”

“See? It’s fate. Or destiny. Whatever you want to call it. We’re meant to be together. Wow, I’m starting to sound like a total pussy!”

She laughed, but the problem was, she was beginning to feel the same way. Cole just . . . fit. There wasn’t anything she didn’t like about him, even when he was annoying the shit out of her.

It was fun to bicker and snipe with him. He gave as good as he got but he never carried a grudge. Never took it too seriously. And he didn’t let his ego get in the way of things. She’d saved his ass plenty of times and he never resented her for it.

Her KGI team was everything her first team wasn’t. Loyal. They respected her. They stood by her even when it meant putting their jobs on the line.

The sudden thought occurred to her that she was a flaming hypocrite. It was like being blindsided by a right hook. Her thoughts must have been reflected on her face, because Cole’s brow wrinkled in concern and he sat forward.

“What’s up, P.J.? You okay?”

She let out a disgusted sigh and rubbed her forehead in agitation. “I was sitting here comparing S.W.A.T. with KGI and I was being all smug and self-righteous thinking that my team here is everything my old team wasn’t. I’ve been so pissed at them for so long, but it occurred to me that I’m a huge fucking hypocrite.”

He reared back in surprise. “Why the hell would you think something like that?”

“I turned my lover in for being dirty. I was so self-righteous and so ‘must do the right thing’ and I was so black-and-white back then. There were no reasons, no explanations. No excuses. You were either right or wrong. No in between. And yet here I am, having murdered three men in cold blood and casually plotting the death of a fourth. My hands are so stained with blood that I’ll never wash them clean. At least Derek wasn’t hurting anyone. He didn’t kill anyone. He stole money from losers and drug dealers.”

Cole scowled, his face darkening as he stared back at her. “You aren’t comparing yourself to that asshole.”

She made a sound of impatience. “Look at it objectively, Cole. I turn him in for being on the take. I get hung out to dry and I’m bitter because everyone turned on me. Shit happens here, I go off on my own and kill three men. Who’s the bigger criminal? You guys have every reason to wash your hands of me.”

“Now you’re just pissing me off. It’s not like you to be all martyr-like. Shut the fuck up and give yourself a break. You can’t compare your situation to the dumb fuck you used to sleep with.”

She blinked for a minute and then burst out laughing. Oh God. This was what she loved so much about Cole. He didn’t let her get away with stupid shit and he always gave it to her straight.

Cole still looked disgruntled. “Those bastards needed killing. Even if they hadn’t done what they did to you. What they’ve done to countless women and children is enough to take them out. You did the world a favor, and I’m not going to let you get down on yourself because you don’t regret killing them. Does it make it better if you lament and feel guilty over killing them? If you’re looking to me for judgment, you’re shit out of luck. I’m not much of a black-and-white kind of guy. I spend too much time in those gray areas.”

He got up and busied himself flipping the steaks. The sizzle was loud and the wind carried the scent of charcoal and cooking meat to her nostrils. She sniffed appreciatively and her stomach rumbled in response.

When he finished, he walked past her. “I’m going to turn the outside light on and get some bug spray so the mosquitoes don’t carry you off. I’ll be right back.”

The door opened and closed and she was left alone counting the fireflies and reflecting on the conversation they were having.

Was she nothing more than a hypocritical, self-righteous prig? She’d always felt holier than thou about the fact that Derek was involved in shady dealings while on the job. It had affronted her and pricked her sense of honor. She’d been utterly disappointed that he hadn’t upheld her lofty ideals. In her mind he’d failed not only himself and his team, but he’d failed her, and maybe that was why she’d never been able to forgive him.

But no matter what Cole said, she was no better than Derek. Her reasons may have been different for crossing that line, but the end result was the same. She’d crossed a line, and she could never go back.

Worse, she had no desire to go back. She felt no guilt, only savage satisfaction that she’d taken out three of the four men that she’d vowed revenge on.

It wasn’t pretty. It certainly wasn’t righteous. But she wasn’t ducking the issue. She knew what she was. A cold-blooded killer.

What was Derek’s sin when compared to hers?

She felt some of that old animosity ease and was able to let go of some of the resentment she’d harbored for so long. She’d sold Derek out, whether it was the right thing to do or not. For so long, she’d felt betrayed by him, but in essence it could be said that she was the one who betrayed him.

Hell of a time to have an epiphany and discover shit about yourself.

The light flashed on and then the door opened. Cole came back out carrying a glass of tea in each hand and a can of bug spray under his arm. He set one of the glasses in front of her and then leaned down to spray the insect repellent over her legs. She reached to cover her tea so he could spray her arms. When he was finished, he returned to his seat.

He leaned back in his chair and eyed her curiously. “So tell me what P.J. stands for.”

She blinked and then stared at him, perplexed for a moment by the shift in conversation. She hadn’t considered that the rest of the team didn’t know what the initials stood for. Steele certainly knew because he’d barged through her background, leaving no stone unturned before he hired her on. She was sure Sam, Garrett and Donovan had done the same.

No one called her by her real name. Never had. A fact she was grateful for. She’d always wondered what she’d done to piss her mother off that she’d stick P.J. with such a hokey name.

“Come on, P.J. Give. I’ve never slept with a woman whose name I didn’t know. Until you. It’s kind of making me feel like a man whore.”

She burst out laughing. “I ought to not tell you now so you can wallow in your man-whore-ness a little longer.”

“You mock my pain. I have standards, you know.”

She snickered again and then pinned him with a glare. “I’ll only tell you if you swear to, first, never tell another soul, and second, never ever call me by my full name in public.”

He held up his hand. “I swear.”

“Penelope Jane,” she mumbled.

“What’s that? I couldn’t hear you.”

“Penelope Jane!” she said louder.

His nose wrinkled up. “Seriously?”

She sighed. “Yeah, seriously. Now maybe you see why I just go by my initials.”

“You don’t look like a Penelope Jane.”

He looked genuinely baffled and was studying her like she was some weird, undiscovered species of bug.

“So what do I look like then?” she demanded.

“You look like a P.J.”

She laughed again. “Well that’s good, I suppose. I’m okay with looking like a P.J.”

“Penelope Jane Rutherford,” he said, as if he was testing the sound of it on his tongue. “I don’t know, it’s kind of growing on me. It’s kind of pretty sounding.”

“Don’t get any ideas, Coletrane,” she growled.

“There aren’t enough Penelopes in the world. I don’t know anyone named that.”

She rolled her eyes. “Aren’t those steaks done yet? I’m starving over here.”

He shoved back his chair and flipped up the lid to the grill. He poked at one then flipped and flipped again.

“Nope. Need about five more minutes. I didn’t even ask you how you like your meat.”

She choked and covered it with a cough. When she looked back up, he was giving her a glare of impatience.

“For God’s sake, you dirty-minded heifer.”

She laughed and kept on laughing. “Oh come on, Cole. You have to admit, it sounded kinky. I mean, I could have said I like my meat hard.”

He sighed and shook his head.

“Medium is fine,” she said with a grin. “I like a little pink but not bloody.”

“I’m heading in to get the potatoes out of the oven and all the fixings for them. As soon as I get back, I’ll take the steaks off the grill and we can dig in.”

“Awesome. I can’t wait. The smell is killing me!”

Alone again for a few moments, P.J. marveled at how light she felt. It was almost as if the last six months hadn’t happened. Like she and Cole were carrying on like always. Only this time it was more intimate. More personal.

The one thing she gave thanks for is that their one-night stand hadn’t made things awkward between them. And who knows, maybe it would have under normal circumstances.

Their fling had been the start of a series of events that even now she had a hard time believing. From that night forward, things had been insane, and she would never have believed she’d be looking back at the past six months remembering just how much her world had been altered.

“How’s the leg?” Cole asked when he returned with potatoes.

He plopped one onto her plate and then set down the tray with the butter, sour cream and cheese so they were in easy reach.

Leg? She hadn’t even thought about her leg the entire time they’d been talking. She had to concentrate hard to even feel the low hum of pain that was ever present in the background, muffled by the medication he’d given her.

“I’m good,” she said, and meant it. She was better than she’d been in a very long time.

He bent and kissed her forehead, surprising her with the sweet gesture. She closed her eyes and savored the feel of his mouth on her skin. The kiss was full of warmth and comfort. Two things she was badly in need of.

He broke away and went to the grill. A moment later, he dished up the steaks and returned to the table. He forked a huge rib eye onto her plate and then served his own.

The smell was absolutely divine. Her mouth watered and she was already making a grab for her fork and knife, not even bothering with the potato right away.

The first bite made her moan with pleasure. It also made her realize how hungry she was.

She attacked her meal. There was no other word for it. She cut into it like she was afraid it was going to sprout legs and run away.

For several long minutes, they ate in silence and she focused solely on the wonderful experience of eating a delectable piece of prime steak. It was as close to a religious experience as she was going to come.

“I’d ask how the steak is, but your expression says it all,” Cole said in amusement.

“Mmmm” was all she could get out.

They continued to eat, and she eventually slowed down as she began getting that overstuffed feeling. It was nice, though. She knew she hadn’t taken the best care of herself over the last months. Some days she hadn’t eaten at all. Her entire focus had been revenge. She’d been consumed, and to a degree she still was.

“You want to head back in and go to bed or you want to hang out here and shoot the shit some more?” he asked as he pushed his plate away.

She was bone tired, even after her nap, but she didn’t want the evening to end. She was more relaxed than she’d been in longer than she could remember. Sure, the pain medication helped, but being here with Cole was a balm to her soul.

“I like it out here,” she said. “It’s a gorgeous evening. Cool but not too cold. And the fireflies are giving us quite the show. You can see the reflection off the water. I could sit here forever and just watch the glow.”

“I could watch you watching them forever,” he said.

She felt his gaze on her and turned just so she could see him in her periphery. His eyes never left her. He seemed content to just watch her.

“So tell me about your family,” she said. “You don’t ever mention parents or siblings. I know Dolphin has a sister. He visits her a couple times a year. He hates his dad. Takes care of his mom quite a bit. Baker’s parents are divorced and he doesn’t see much of either of them. Renshaw mostly stays with his folks between missions because he figures there’s no point in buying a home when he’s never there. But you and Steele never say anything, not that Steele being closed mouthed is a huge surprise,” she said wryly.

“Look who’s talking,” he pointed out. “I know nothing about your family. Or your past, other than what I’ve recently learned about S.W.A.T.”

“Okay so you give and I’ll give,” she said, raising one brow in challenge.

“Seriously? You’re going to tell me all your secrets?”

“Oh good grief,” she muttered. “I’m the most boring person on the planet. I’m boring in self-defense because my upbringing was on the weird side.”

Cole’s brows went up. “Okay, now you have me curious.”

She smiled sweetly. “Oh no, you first.”

He shook his head. “Not much to tell, really. My folks were killed in a car accident my senior year of high school. I’m an only child, so no siblings in the picture.”

“Oh damn,” she said softly. “That had to suck.”

For a moment she could see lingering sadness in his eyes. “Yeah, it did. I still miss them. I had a college scholarship to play baseball. I was a star player in high school. Took our team to the playoffs and we won the state championship my senior year. A week before my parents were killed.”

“I had no idea you played baseball,” she said in surprise.

He shrugged. “After they died, I was at loose ends. I mean I just kind of fell apart. Didn’t go to school. Gave up my scholarship. Had people telling me I was fucking up life and my chance at the pros and it wasn’t what my parents would have wanted. All I knew was that the two people I loved most in the world were gone and I didn’t really give a fuck if I didn’t play for a pro team. Why would I when they’d never be there to see me?”

“Yeah, I get it,” P.J. said.

“So I grieved for a while. Felt sorry for myself. Wondered what the fuck to do with my life. I woke up in the middle of the night one night and thought, why not join the navy? I have no idea why I picked that branch. It was a total impulse decision and I went the next day to the recruiter so I couldn’t change my mind. Turned out to be the best decision I ever made. It’s made me who and what I am today. I was scared shitless going in, but once I got through boot camp everything just clicked into place.”

“So why’d you leave then?”

“Good question. Honestly I think it’s because I’d reached a goal and I kept thinking what next? I was a SEAL. I achieved something very few others do but I still felt restless. I heard about KGI through one of my buddies and it sounded right up my alley. I met with Sam and Garrett and then I resigned my commission. The rest, as they say, is history.”

“I bet you just had issues with authority and having such a rigid set of rules to live by,” she teased.

He smiled ruefully. “I admit, I like working for KGI and for Steele. I already told you I’m a gray-area guy. Not that there aren’t plenty of gray areas in the military, but KGI kind of makes their own rules. They choose their missions. When you belong to Uncle Sam, you do what you’re told whether you agree with it or not.”

She nodded her understanding.

“So what about you? You never mention family.”

She grimaced. “I grew up in a very religious environment.”

He reared back in mock surprise. “You? Religious? With that mouth? You must have been the bane of your mother’s existence.”

“Ha-ha. You’re so funny. I was a very sweet, nonviolent child, I’ll have you know.”

He had just taken a drink and he snorted and then choked as he tried to swallow it down without spewing.

“I bet you used to give the boys hell and I bet no one messed with you on the playground.”

She sighed. “I was painfully shy. I was different from the other kids. No television. Just books. I wore dresses until I was a teenager. Wearing jeans to school my junior year was my big act of rebellion.”

He looked at her in utter confusion. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

She nodded. “Yup. I had a charismatic upbringing. Very holy-roller type of environment. Never cut my hair. Didn’t wear pants. Very patriarchal church and home life.”

Cole shook his head. “You’ve blown my mind. How in the hell did you go from that to where you are now?”

“My uncle was a big hunter and he used to take me. He’d let me dress up in camo and I felt like such a badass. We’d spend time sighting in our rifles and I was a natural. He encouraged my marksmanship. My mom had a fit when she realized just how much time I was spending ‘playing with the devil’s instruments,’ as she put it.”

“Wow,” Cole said. “I’m at a loss for words. It boggles the mind. I wouldn’t have guessed your background in a million years.”

P.J. chuckled. “Yeah, most people wouldn’t.”

“So what happened? I mean, what did they think when you joined S.W.A.T., and do they know what you do for KGI?”

Her lips turned down, and for a moment she was silent as she relived the last time she’d seen her mother.

“We uh . . . don’t speak.”

Cole frowned. “Ever?”

“Not since I left high school. She washed her hands of me. Said I’d never amount to anything. I was too bent on a life of sin. My older brother was already a pastor of his own church, and I guess they thought I should be more like him. The way I figure it, they pray for the world, and I save it.”

“So you seriously don’t talk to them? It was over? Just like that?”

The incredulity in his voice bordered on condemnation and it rubbed her the wrong way.

“I couldn’t be who they wanted me to be,” she said quietly. “And they weren’t willing to accept anything else. It wasn’t my choice.”

Cole grimaced. “I’m sorry. I probably sound all judgy. It’s just that I’d give anything to have my parents back. I can’t imagine not speaking to them or seeing them.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m being too touchy. I guess they’re still a sore subject for me. I hadn’t realized how much of one.”

“What about your dad? I mean, all you’ve mentioned is your mother and how she felt.”

P.J. curled her lip in disgust. “For such a patriarchal system in the church and supposedly the home, my mother wore the pants and my father was a spineless coward who shied away from any conflict. He wouldn’t have stood up for me or anyone else against my mother. She ruled the roost and it was her way or the highway.”

Cole shook his head. “That sucks. I guess I get why you have such a take-it-or-leave-it attitude. Can’t say I blame you.”

“I just stopped trying to be someone I wasn’t for people who’d never be satisfied with the end result anyway. Trying to please my mother was like trying to push a rope through the eye of a needle. I think my biggest sin was being born a girl who preferred to do boy things. She just wanted me to look pretty and marry young.”

“Lucky for me you’re such a rebel,” Cole said with a grin. “It would suck if you were married with half a dozen hellions attached to your apron strings.”

She shuddered. “Thanks for that image.”

He laughed. But then his expression grew serious. “I like you just the way you are, P.J. Don’t ever change. You’re a very special woman. Don’t ever think you aren’t.”

Warmth traveled to the very heart of her. Into her soul, chasing away long-held shadows and allowing the sun in after an endless winter.

She stared into his eyes, soaking up all the warmth she could. “I just want to say thank you, Cole.”

He cocked his head. “What for?”

“Everything. For being you. For being so patient with me. For having my back.”

His eyes softened. “I’ll always have your back, P.J. You’ll never have to look far to find me.”