The Crazy Things Girls Do for Love

Chapter Thirty-Seven Shop and drop

A light rain falls over the concrete sprawl that is Wildwood Mall, making the parking lot shine. There are no budding trees or early blooms outside the mall to herald the start of a new season, but to make up for that, the windows are brightly dressed for spring: pastel outfits and paper flowers; fluffy bunnies and baskets of coloured eggs; floral rubber boots and bright umbrellas under cellophane showers. You can almost hear Gene Autry singing “Here Comes Peter Cottontail”.

To complete the picture, Sicilee, Kristin, Loretta and Ash, dressed as gaily as a May garden, climb out of the Shepls’ people carrier and scurry through the drizzle to the south-east entrance. The doors open silently as they approach, and bright lights and potted trees welcome them inside to where it is always a dry and pleasant day with background music and plenty of benches.

Ash waves her hand at the concourse that stretches invitingly ahead of them. “It’s really hard to imagine life before they invented malls, isn’t it?” The walk from the car, though brief, has apparently put Ash in a reflective mood. “I mean, it must’ve been just gross back then – you’d have to go all over the place just to put a decent outfit together.”

Loretta thinks she may have stepped in a puddle and is examining her feet. “And you’d be out in the snow and rain the whole time, trudging from one store to another,” she says. “My God, if you didn’t get pneumonia or destroy your hair, your shoes would be totally ruined.”

“And what did you do in the summer?” asks Kristin. “Just think of it – lugging all those bags around in the heat…” She wrinkles her nose and shivers with distaste. “I mean, who’d want to shop outside when it’s ninety degrees and just breathing makes you sweat? You wouldn’t be able to go more than a block without having to change.”

Were he here, Clemens Reis would point out that people only used to shop when they actually needed something. That they replaced things when they were worn out, not when they got tired of the colour or fashion changed or they had nothing else to do but go to the stores. Clemens, of course, is not here – but Sicilee is, and Sicilee has now walked that last block to school with him and the others long enough to know that that is what he would say – and even to think of saying it herself. She catches herself just in time.

Today she is making up for not showing up for lunch last week, for the other Saturdays she’s bailed on, for the Diamonds meeting she missed and for trying to make them aware so that they’d care. She doesn’t want them to think that she’s changed. Though that, of course, is not the only reason.

Lately, Sicilee’s begun to wonder if nerds really have taken over her body. She no longer sneaks a burger or piece of chicken or BLT whenever she has the chance. She’s pretending that her shoes are made of vegetarian leather when they actually are. She went into a thrift shop without being dragged in by a team of wild horses. She bought stuff. She’d thought that buying second-hand clothes would make her feel like some charity case, but it made her feel kind of smart. And then, when she could still have gone to the mall for the rest of the afternoon if she’d really wanted to, she hung out with Waneeda and Clemens instead. They’re not cool – merciful Mother, no one would ever call either of them cool – but they’re OK. Their conversations can be pretty interesting. They laugh a lot. She had a good time. What’s happening to her? Which, of course, is the other reason Sicilee is here today: to prove to herself that she hasn’t changed.

So rather than make a remark that will only cause her friends to look at her as though she’s dyed her hair green and stuck a safety pin through her nose, Sicilee says, “And plus, there’d be nowhere to sit down and no place to get a halfway decent latte. I mean, just think about that.”

Arms linked and laughing, they set off down the concourse, as they have done so many times before.

The first couple of hours are fairly happy ones.

Chatting and joking, the girls go from store to store, from department to department, searching through the racks and piles of clothes like professional poultry sorters looking for defective chicks. Sicilee doesn’t say that she doesn’t really need to buy anything new, because not very long ago she went on something of a spending spree in the church thrift store (and she certainly doesn’t mention that everything she bought used to belong to her and that her parents have yet to stop laughing). She doesn’t mention the concept of need over greed, or repeat the Green mantra – Reduce, Reuse, Recycle – either. Nor does she dare to suggest that liking a shirt doesn’t mean that you need to have it in five different colours. She pushes such thoughts to the furthest corner of her mind, and as the morning passes, they fade as if they were part of a dream. She is back in the fold, and she is having fun.

They get on Loretta’s case for having to try on everything twice. They tease Ash for always buying something pink. They joke about how long it takes Kristin to make up her mind.

“Maybe you should buy two or three new pairs of boots,” Loretta says to Sicilee. “You know, now that you do so much walking!”

They all crack up.

The coloured plastic bags hang from their hands like party balloons. Sicilee, who now knows exactly how toxic the production of plastic is and exactly how long it takes a plastic bag to biodegrade, swings them as she walks and says nothing.

Shoulder to shoulder, Sicilee, Ash, Loretta and Kristin all gather around the mall directory, choosing where they’ll go for lunch. Burgers? Pizza? Thai? Mexican?

“Maybe Sicilee wants to go to that vegetarian place and eat bean sprouts,” says Loretta. They all giggle, leaning against each other, bags bouncing.

They go to the gourmet burger bar for lunch. Although she has no desire for meat, Sicilee keeps smiling and orders the day’s special, rare, served with salad and fries, like everybody else. Only she can’t eat the burger. She has no trouble with the salad or the fries or even the bun, but every time she bites into the patty, she thinks of some poor cow, terrified out of its mind, being prodded with electric shocks. What if even just some of the things she’s been told about industrialized farming are true? What if only one is? Which one would Sicilee want it to be? The gross over-crowding? The mutilations? The disease? It isn’t a choice she wants to make. Loretta tells a story about the time her sister’s head swelled up from her hair dye that is so funny that tears are streaming from their eyes, and Sicilee is doubled up over her plate, gasping for air. While everyone is shrieking and laughing, Sicilee slips the burger from its bun and into her napkin, and slips that into the pocket of her jacket.

It is after lunch – in the cosmetics section of the biggest department store in the mall – that things take a sharp turn for the worse.

Loretta and Ash fool around with the perfumes, while Kristin and Sicilee wander through the counters of make-up. Kristin wants a new lipstick. And maybe a new blusher. And maybe something that will really bring out the colour of her eyes. Sicilee, however, is showing none of the girlish enthusiasm she usually exhibits in the cosmetics department. Instead she looks almost nervous, as if what she’s entered isn’t a temple of beauty but a haunted house.

Kristin picks up a lipstick called Blood Wedding and puts some on the back of her hand. “What do you think of this?” she asks.

Sicilee picks up a lipstick too and reads the box. Blood seems to be the operative word. What could make that vivid shade of red? she wonders.

“Well…” says Sicilee.

Kristin tilts her head, considering. “Too dark?” She holds her hand to the side of her face and turns to the mirror. “Maybe you’re right. It’s practically spring. Maybe I should go for something lighter. You know, a more natural shade.”

Just because it says that something is natural on the label doesn’t mean that it is.

“Well…” says Sicilee.

“Not pink, though.” Kristin lowers her voice so Ash won’t hear her. “Pink is too babyish. I want something more sophisticated.” This time, the tube she picks up is Key West Sunset. “What about this one?”

Just because something is named after something good doesn’t mean that it is.

“Well…”

“I don’t know…” Kristin is studying her face in the mirror. “Do you think my mouth’s too thin?” she asks. She pouts. She smiles. She sucks in her cheeks. “Maybe I should get a lip plumper. That girl Lisette in my gym class? She said they really work.”

Cosmetics are made of chemicals, not magic.

“Did she say how?” asks Sicilee.

Kristin turns around as quick as a gunslinger hearing a noise behind her. “What do you mean how?”

“You know … I mean … the thing is … well, you know … they don’t really make your lips fuller, do they? So how do they make them puff up?”

Kristin frowns. “What are you talking about? They do make them fuller. That’s the whole point.”

“Yeah, but they can’t really change the way your lips are.” Which is the point Kristin should be paying attention to. “So I just wondered if Lisette told you exactly how they work.” She puts Blood Wedding back in the display.

“What’s that?” Kristin’s frown deepens with suspicion, her eyes on the box. “What are you up to? Why were you looking at that?”

“I’m not up to anything,” says Sicilee. “I was just checking out the ingredients in that lipstick you were looking at, that’s all.”

“Oh, really?” Kristin slaps Key West Sunset down on the counter. “And why were you doing that?”

“Why do you think? I wanted to see what’s in it.”

“It’s make-up,” says Kristin. “Make-up’s what’s in it.”

“Yeah, but what’s make-up made of?”

Make-up is one thing no one had to tell Sicilee about. She looked it up herself. Not because she thought it could be loaded with anything dangerous or bad, but, ironically enough, because of Kristin’s comment that not all toiletries and make-up are vegan. Sicilee looked at all the tubes, jars and compacts spread across her dressing table and she was curious. It had never before occurred to her to wonder what was actually in the things she rubbed into her skin and smeared over her face. How was it possible that her lipstick or shampoo wasn’t vegan? Was there animal fat in her foundation? Milk in her eye shadow? Ground-up chicken feet in her mother’s night cream? Did the sweetness of her lipstick come from honey? The sweetness of her lipstick turned out not to come from anything as benign as honey. Chicken feet were the least of the problems.

Kristin is now standing with a hand on one hip and her head to one side as though she has a chip of wood on her shoulder and is waiting for Sicilee to knock it off. “So what’s in the lipstick?”

“To tell you the truth, I don’t really know.” The list of ingredients on the box is a long one, consisting mainly of things whose names are unpronounceable and unknown unless you have a degree in advanced chemistry. “But most of this stuff is made from petrochemicals and lots of them have toxins and carcinogens and preservatives and—”

“You’re telling me that I’m going to get cancer from my lipstick.”

Sicilee laughs. “Of course not. All I’m saying is—”

“What’s going on?” asks Loretta as she and Ash come to a stop between them.

“Oh, you guys’ll want to hear this,” says Kristin. “Sicilee was just telling me how all our make-up’s poisonous.”

Sicilee sighs and rolls her eyes. “I didn’t say that. All I said was—”

“I thought we were here to have fun.” Ash looks accusingly at Sicilee. “I thought you were dropping all that never-washing-your-clothes-and-eating-bean-sprouts garbage.”

“Talk about born-again Green,” says Loretta. “You people can’t leave anything alone, can you? You’re fanatical. You always have to convert everybody.”

“I’m not trying to convert anybody.” Sicilee practically yelps with exasperation. “I’m just trying to—”

“Educate us?” asks Kristin.

“No. I’m just trying to say that if we’re putting this stuff on our skin and everything, we should know what’s in it. I don’t see what the big crime is in that.” Three very unsmiling, hard-eyed faces, swathed in petrochemicals and irritation, stare back at Sicilee. This should tell her that it’s time to stop talking, but for some reason it just makes her talk more. “I mean, chemicals get into our food from plastics, right? So it just makes sense that they must get into us from make-up and stuff.”

“You know, you really are losing the plot,” says Ash. “You’re like one of those conspiracy-theory freaks. Next thing you know, you’ll be telling us that the world’s ruled by giant lizards. I mean, you can’t really think that these mega companies are going to poison people? How sick is that?”

“Well, they—”

“You know everything, don’t you?” Loretta sneers. “It’s really pretty awesome how much smarter than us you are.”

“In fact, I’m amazed you can stand to be seen with us, we’re so stupid.” Kristin picks up her bags. “Why don’t you do us all a favour and go home by yourself, Sicilee?”

“But I came with you guys,” protests Sicilee. “How am I supposed to get home?”

“Well, you’re the big walker,” says Loretta.

“Or even better,” says Ash, “you can take the bus.”

Sicilee does both. She takes the bus back to town, and then she stomps home from there. The rain has stopped and the sun has broken through the clouds. Though not the cloud that hovers over Sicilee, of course. Why do her friends keep getting mad at her like that? What did she say? No, really. What did she say? That make-up’s made with petrochemicals? Sweet Mary, she’s not the one who put the petrochemicals in the lipstick or the eye shadow. Or in anything else. You’d think they’d thank her. You’d think they’d say, “Hey, thanks, Siss. We don’t want to suck carcinogens into our bodies.” Not tell her to walk home from the mall. Not get all snotty and attitudinal. It isn’t fair. Why should she be punished for telling them the truth?

Sicilee’s mind echoes with the bratty voices of her friends as she marches down the leafy, pleasant streets of Clifton Springs. Go home by yourself … you’re the big walker … take the bus. Go home by yourself … you’re the big walker … take the bus. Sicilee isn’t sure whether she’s more hurt than angry, or more angry than hurt. She refuses to cry. She’s not going to give them the satisfaction. So involved is Sicilee in reliving the scene in the cosmetics department and in not crying that she doesn’t realize that she isn’t alone until something cold and wet suddenly touches her hand.

Sicilee jumps and screams. Behind her – though not far enough behind her – is a very large dog, drool dripping from his half-open mouth, looking at her as if he’s deciding which part of her he wants to bite first. How long has he been walking with her? Since she left the village? Was there something beside her while she waited at that last set of traffic lights on Boyer? Something big enough to be ridden by a small child?

“Nice doggy.” Sicilee smiles. “Good boy.”

The dog’s bark is like a small explosion.

“Stay!” Sicilee doesn’t point – she doesn’t want to give him an easy target like a finger – but her voice is the stern one she uses when her cat Lucy does something she shouldn’t, like climb into the washing machine. “Stay!” She turns and starts walking again. The stern voice doesn’t work on Lucy, either. The dog follows, his nose nudging towards her, his head so close she can feel his breath – warm, moist and surrounded by teeth. Sicilee’s heart beats faster. Oh great, she thinks. The perfect end to a really lousy day.

“Go home,” she orders. “Shoo.”

She walks a little faster. The dog lopes behind her.

They turn a corner and the Kewes’ house is now in sight. The only time anyone has ever seen Sicilee run since she was ten is in gym class, where she is given no choice, but Sicilee starts to run now. The dog starts to run, too. Past Mr Kreple in his driveway vacuuming his car. Past the Larkins’ little girl blowing bubbles in their front yard. Past Mrs Novatny reading on her porch. Sicilee runs faster and the dog bounds after her, barking excitedly, now in full pursuit. Does he think it’s a game, or is he coming in for the kill?

Their next-door neighbour stops on her stoop when she sees Sicilee galloping towards her. “Hi there, Sicilee!” she calls. “Tell your mother—”

If Sicilee were capable of thinking, her thought would be Tell her yourself! but both thought and speech are beyond her at the moment. She speeds by without a glance and races up the path, wedging herself between the storm door and the front door for protection while she desperately rings the bell. The dog jumps up and down beside her as if he’s confused himself with a performing dolphin. Her mother’s not home! Sicilee digs into her pocket for her keys and pulls out the soggy napkin wrapped around her Hamburger of the Day from her soggy pocket. Sweet Mary! The dog didn’t want to eat her; he wanted to eat her lunch! Someday, this story will make even Sicilee laugh, but right now all she feels is weak with relief. She hurls the hamburger onto the grass and the dog joyously follows.

Thankful now that her mother isn’t home to want to know what happened and make her talk about it, Sicilee goes to her room and throws herself onto her bed. Lucy immediately leaves her seat by the window and jumps up beside her, purring warmly, sprawling across her lap as if she has no bones. Sicilee rubs Lucy under her chin and behind her ears the way she likes best. Lucy closes her eyes and smiles, and Sicilee’s pulse rate starts to return to normal; her fear and anger begin to fade.

It is Lucy who has loved Sicilee unconditionally since the day they brought her home from the animal shelter when Sicilee was six, Lucy who can make Sicilee smile no matter how blue she’s feeling, Lucy who always comforts Sicilee when she’s low, Lucy who trusts Sicilee without question, Lucy who would never hurt her. She’s not just a cat. She’s not even just a pet. She is Lucy Kewe, who loves to play with Sicilee’s shoelace and eat corn on the cob. It is Lucy, Sicilee realizes – and not Kristin, Loretta or Ash – who is her best friend. And in that moment of realization, Sicilee suddenly understands what Clemens has been trying to tell them all along. Not everything that’s important is human. Not everything that’s valuable can be bought.

It is now that Sicilee finally starts to cry.