The Last Song

33 Ronnie

You really finished the window?”

Ronnie watched her dad as he talked to Jonah in the hospital room, thinking he seemed better. He still looked tired, but his cheeks had a bit more color and he was moving with greater ease.

“It’s awesome, Dad,” Jonah said. “I can’t wait for you to see it.”

“But there were still so many pieces left.”

“Ronnie and Will helped a little,” Jonah admitted.

“Yeah?”

“I had to show them how. They didn’t know anything. But don’t worry, I was patient even when they made mistakes.”

Her dad smiled. “That’s good to hear.”

“Yeah, I’m a pretty good teacher.”

“I’m sure you are.”

Jonah wrinkled his nose. “It smells kinda funny in here, doesn’t it?”

“A little.”

Jonah nodded. “I thought so.” He motioned toward the television. “Have you been watching any movies?”

Her dad shook his head. “Not too many.”

“What does that do?”

Her dad glanced at the IV bag. “It’s got some medicine in it.”

“Will it make you better?”

“I’m feeling better now.”

“So you’re coming home?”

“Pretty soon.”

“Today?”

“Maybe tomorrow,” he said. “But you know what I could use?”

“What?”

“A soda. Do you remember where the cafeteria is? Down the hall and around the corner?”

“I know where it is. I’m not a little kid. What kind do you want?”

“A Sprite or a Seven-Up.”

“I don’t have any money, though.”

When her dad glanced at her, Ronnie took it as a cue to reach into her back pocket. “I’ve got some,” she said. She pulled what she thought he’d need from her pocket and handed it to him as he headed out the door. As soon as he was gone, she could feel her dad staring at her.

“The lawyer called this morning. They’ve postponed your court date until late October.”

Ronnie’s gaze flickered to the window. “I can’t think about that right now.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. He was quiet for a moment, and she could feel him watching her. “How’s Jonah really holding up?” he asked.

Ronnie gave a half shrug. “Lost. Confused. Scared. Barely holding it together.” Like me, she wanted to say.

Her dad motioned for her to come over. She took a seat in the chair that Jonah had been using. He reached for her hand and squeezed it. “I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stay out of the hospital. I never wanted you to see me like this.”

She was already shaking her head. “Never, ever apologize for that.”

“But-”

“No buts, okay? I needed to know. I’m glad I know.”

He seemed to accept that. But then he surprised her.

“Do you want to talk about what happened with Will?”

“What makes you say something like that?” she asked.

“Because I know you. Because I know when something else is on your mind. And because I know how much you cared for him.”

Ronnie sat up straighter, not wanting to lie to him. “He went home to pack,” she said.

She could feel her dad studying her.

“Did I ever tell you my dad was a poker player?”

“Yeah, you told me. Why? Do you want to play poker?”

“No,” he said. “I just know there’s more to what happened with Will than what you’re saying, but if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay, too.”

Ronnie hesitated. She knew he’d be understanding, but she wasn’t ready yet. “Like I said, he’s leaving,” she said instead. And with a nod, her dad let it go.

“You look tired,” he said. “You should go home and take a nap later.”

“I will. But I want to stay here for a while.”

He adjusted his hand in hers. “Okay.”

She glanced at the IV bag Jonah had asked about before. But unlike her brother, she knew that it wasn’t medicine to make him better.

“Does it hurt?” she asked.

He paused before answering. “No,” he answered. “Not too much.”

“But it has hurt?”

Her dad started to shake his head. “Sweetheart…”

“I want to know. Did it hurt before you got here? Tell me the truth, okay?”

He scratched at his chest before answering. “Yes.”

“How long?”

“I don’t know what you mean-”

“I want to know when it started hurting,” Ronnie said, leaning over the bedrail. She willed him to meet her eyes.

Again, he shook his head. “It’s not important. I’m feeling better. And the doctors know what to do to keep helping me.”

“Please,” she said. “When did it start hurting?”

He looked down at their hands, clasped so tightly on the bed. “I don’t know. March or April? But it wasn’t every day-”

“When it hurt before,” she went on, determined to hear the truth, “what did you do?”

“It wasn’t so bad before,” he answered.

“But it still hurt, right?”

“Yes.”

“What did you do?”

“I don’t know,” he protested. “I tried not to think about it. I focused on other things.”

She could feel the tension in her shoulders, hating what he might say but needing to know. “What did you focus on?”

Her dad smoothed out a wrinkle in the bedsheet with his free hand. “Why is this so important to you?”

“Because I want to know whether you focused on other things by playing the piano.”

As soon as she said it, she knew she was right. “I saw you playing that night in the church, the night you had that coughing fit. And Jonah said you’d been sneaking over there as soon as the piano came in.”

“Honey-”

“Do you remember when you said that playing the piano made you feel better?”

Her dad nodded. He could see what was coming, and she was sure he wouldn’t want to answer. But she had to know.

“Did you mean that you didn’t feel the pain as much? And please tell me the truth. I’ll know if you’re lying.” Ronnie would not be deflected, not this time.

He closed his eyes briefly, then met her gaze. “Yes.”

“But you built the wall around the piano anyway?”

“Yes,” he said again.

With that, she felt her fragile composure give way. Her jaw began to quiver as she lowered her head to her dad’s chest.

Her dad reached out to her. “Don’t cry,” he said. “Please don’t cry…”

But she couldn’t help it. The memories of how she’d acted back then and the knowledge of what he had been going through drained whatever energy she had left. “Oh, Daddy…”

“No, baby… please don’t cry. It wasn’t so bad back then. I thought I could handle it, and I think I did. It wasn’t until the last week or so that…” He touched a finger to her jaw, and when she looked into his eyes, what she saw there almost broke her heart. She had to look away.

“I could handle it then,” he repeated, and she knew by his voice that he meant it. “I promise. It hurt, but it wasn’t the only thing I thought about, because I could escape it in other ways. Like working on the window with Jonah, or just enjoying the kind of summer I dreamed about when I asked your mom to let both of you stay with me.”

His words seared her, his forgiveness more than she could bear. “I’m so sorry, Daddy…”

“Look at me,” he said, but she couldn’t. She could think only about his need for the piano, something she’d taken away from him. Because she’d thought only about herself. Because she’d wanted to hurt him. Because she hadn’t cared.

“Look at me,” he said again. His voice was soft but insistent. Reluctantly, she raised her head.

“I had the most wonderful summer of my life,” he whispered. “I got to watch you save the turtles, and I had the chance to see you fall in love, even if it doesn’t last forever. And most of all, I got to know you as a young woman, not a little girl, for the first time ever. And I can’t tell you how much joy those things gave to me. That’s what got me through the summer.”

She knew his words were sincere, which only made her feel worse. She was about to say something when Jonah burst through the door.

“Look who I found,” he said, motioning with the can of Sprite.

Ronnie looked up to see her mom standing behind Jonah.

“Hey, sweetie,” she said.

Ronnie turned to her dad.

He shrugged. “I had to call her,” he explained.

“Are you doing okay?” her mom asked.

“I’m okay, Kim,” her dad answered.

Her mom took that as an invitation to step into the room. “I think we all need to talk,” she announced.

The following morning, Ronnie had made up her mind and was waiting in her room when her mom walked in.

“Have you finished packing yet?”

She fixed her mom with a calm but determined stare. “I’m not going back to New York with you.”

Kim put her hands on her hips. “I thought we discussed this.”

“No,” Ronnie said evenly. “You discussed this. But I’m not coming with you.”

Her mom ignored her comment. “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course you’re coming home.”

“I’m not going back to New York.” Ronnie crossed her arms but didn’t raise her voice.

“Ronnie…”

She shook her head, knowing she’d never been more serious in her life. “I’m staying and I’m not going to discuss it. I’m eighteen now and you can’t force me to go back with you. I’m an adult and I can do what I want.”

As she absorbed Ronnie’s words, her mom shifted uncertainly from one foot to the other.

“This…,” she finally said, motioning toward the living room, trying to sound reasonable. “This isn’t your responsibility.”

Ronnie took a step toward her. “No? Then whose is it? Who’s going to take care of him?”

“Your dad and I have talked about that…”

“Oh, you mean about Pastor Harris?” Ronnie demanded. “Oh yeah, like he can take care of dad if he collapses or starts vomiting blood again. Pastor Harris can’t physically do it.”

“Ronnie…,” her mother began again.

Ronnie threw up her hands, her frustration and resolve growing. “Just because you’re still mad at him doesn’t mean that I have to be mad at him, okay? I know what he did and I’m sorry he hurt you, but this is about my dad. He’s sick and he needs my help, and I’m going to be here for him. I don’t care that he had an affair, I don’t care that he left us. But I do care about him.”

For the first time, her mom seemed genuinely taken aback. When she spoke again, her voice was soft. “What exactly did your dad tell you?”

Ronnie was about to protest that it didn’t matter, but something stopped her. Her mother’s expression was so strange, almost… guilty. As if… as if…

She stared at her mom, recognition dawning even as she spoke. “It wasn’t Dad who had the affair, was it?” she said slowly. “It was you.”

Her mother’s posture didn’t change, but she looked stricken. The realization hit Ronnie with an almost physical force.

Her mom had the affair, not her dad. And…

The room suddenly felt suffocating as the implications became clear. “That’s why he left, isn’t it? Because he found out. But you let me believe all along that it was all his fault, that he walked out for no good reason. You pretended it was him, when it was you all along. How could you do that?” Ronnie could barely breathe.

Her mom seemed unable to speak, and Ronnie found herself wondering whether she’d ever known her mom at all.

“Was it with Brian?” she suddenly demanded. “Were you cheating on Dad with Brian?”

Her mom stayed silent, and again Ronnie knew she was right.

Her mom had let her believe it was her dad who had left for no reason at all. And I didn’t talk to him for three years because of it…

“You know what?” Ronnie snapped. “I don’t care. I don’t care what happened between the two of you, I don’t care what happened in the past. But I’m not leaving my dad, and you can’t make me-”

“Who’s not leaving?” Jonah interrupted. He’d just walked into the room, holding a glass of milk, and he turned from their mom to her. She could hear the panic in his voice.

“Are you staying here?” he asked.

It took a moment for Ronnie to answer as she wrestled her anger under control. “Yeah,” she said, hoping she sounded calmer than she felt. “I’m staying.”

He put his glass of milk on the dresser. “Then I’m staying, too,” he announced.

Her mom looked suddenly helpless, and though Ronnie could still feel the sharp edge of her anger, there was no way she was going to let Jonah watch his father die. She crossed the room and squatted down.

“I know you want to stay, but you can’t,” she said gently.

“Why not? You’re staying.”

“But I don’t have school.”

“So what? I can go to school here. Dad and I talked about it.”

Their mom moved toward them. “Jonah…”

Jonah suddenly backed away, and she could hear the panic rising in his voice as he realized he was outnumbered. “I don’t care about school! That’s not fair! I want to stay here!”