The Vampire Shrink

CHAPTER 24

The first thing I noticed when I returned home was that the media and police were still missing in action. What kind of monster could cause humans to run in fear just from his physical presence? Why hadn’t I felt whatever made the others head for the hills? Apparently, it doesn’t affect everyone.

Within minutes of pulling into my garage, the cleaning crew showed up and my townhouse became a flurry of activity.

While the professionals put my living quarters back together, I sat at the kitchen table, deleting and saving voice-mail messages.

I’d made the big time.

In among the calls from current clients, prospective clients, babbling psychotics, New Age seekers, Twilight fans, hopeful romantic partners – mostly prisoners or the recently released – and local media, there were messages from all the major networks.

I’d been invited to appear on every late-night, early-morning, afternoon and prime-time interview programme on the TV schedule. The segment would probably be called ‘Let’s ridicule, harangue and generally humiliate the allegedly professional woman calling herself the Vampire Psychologist’.

Turns out that not all advertising is good advertising after all.

The one exciting message was from a well-known publisher, asking if I’d consider writing a book. That was definitely a keeper.

Tom would be so proud of my fifteen minutes of fame and fortune.

Thinking about Tom’s shallow tendencies reminded me I hadn’t heard from him since Zoë pulled him onto the dance floor at The Crypt several nights ago. From past experience I would’ve said disappearing that way wasn’t his style, but I really didn’t know him well enough any more, if I ever did, to guess what he would or wouldn’t do. Especially if there was a woman involved. In fact, now that I thought about it, taking off with a gorgeous female was exactly something Tom would do.

I saved all the messages from the national media, just in case I ever did finish the book about vampire wannabes – or was it about vampires now? – and needed some New York and Los Angeles contact numbers.

Being productive felt good. I called all my current clients, told them I’d have a new location soon and arranged for telephone counselling sessions in the meantime. The prospective clients were willing to wait until I set up my new office. I was surprised by how many of them hadn’t been put off by the gruesome publicity surrounding me. In fact, thanks to the national obsession with celebrities, some of the callers sought me out because they’d seen my face on the local news. Maybe I would come out of this mess with some parts of my life still intact.

By late afternoon the living room sparkled and silence reigned supreme. I’d left a message for Lieutenant Bullock outlining my offer to be bait tonight at The Vampires’ Ball, but hadn’t heard back from her. Taking advantage of the quiet, I drifted into a catnap on the couch and was startled when the doorbell chimed me into wakefulness.

I bolted up, heart pounding, and immediately checked the window for signs of sunlight. I was relieved to find the sun hadn’t gone down yet. I was safe. Maybe. It wasn’t healthy to make assumptions about the limitations of the undead, but I hoped the not-being-able-to-go-out-in-the-sun thing was true.

I crept over to the door and yelled, ‘Who is it?’

‘It’s your trusty FBI agent.’

I huffed out the breath I’d been holding and stared through the peephole. Alan’s smiling face filled the view.

The vampire handyman had installed additional locks on the door – not that locks would keep undead visitors out, but I had to do something – and going through the unlocking process took a bit longer than before.

‘Hey, you added more locks.’ He pointed back over his shoulder. ‘Where are all the news vans and cop cars?’ He hugged himself, running his hands up and down his arms as if he were cold. ‘Shit. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but as soon as I pulled in front of your house, my stomach cramped and I had a strong urge to jump back in my car and drive as far away from this place as fast I could. I almost did. It felt like something really horrible would happen if I got any closer.’ He pressed his palm to his chest. ‘Damn. My heart’s going nuts. What the fuck?’

I tugged him into the room. ‘Come in and sit down. You don’t look so good.’

He gave a weak grin. ‘Just what a guy wants to hear from an attractive woman.’

After carefully relocking everything I led him into my disinfectant-scented living room and offered him a seat on the couch.

I sat in my fluffy chair and explained the events of the previous evening as he recovered himself and wrote in his dog-eared notebook.

When I finished, he frowned and smacked a hand down on his leg, the negative effects of Brother Luther’s energy waning. ‘I knew I should’ve come home with you. None of that would’ve happened if I’d been here. Why didn’t you call me? You know I’ve been on this case for months.’

I did the therapist nod and spoke in my most reasonable voice. ‘Well, first, you wanted to come home with me so we could have wild and crazy sex, so I might’ve been even more vulnerable when the maniac showed up if I’d been on my back, screaming Johnny Depp’s name.’

He snorted out a laugh.

‘And second,’ I continued, ‘I don’t have to tell you what violent psychopaths do to people who stand in the way of their object of fixation. If you’d been here, even if we were just talking in the living room, he’d have seen you as a threat and taken you out. For some reason I’ve become important to him.’

‘You don’t have to worry about him taking me out. I could’ve handled myself.’

‘Maybe.’ I wasn’t convinced. ‘I didn’t call you because it simply didn’t occur to me.’ I tucked my legs underneath me and sighed. ‘From the moment Brother Luther showed up ’til Luna’s vampires arrived and the room got too crowded for him to the second I fell asleep on the floor, I was on automatic pilot. Actually, by not letting you come home with me, I probably saved your life. Therefore, clearly, you owe me.’ I gave him my sweetest, most innocent smile.

He chuckled and slouched into the couch cushions. ‘Let’s entertain the possibility that your suppositions are correct and he would’ve torn my throat out if I’d been with you. That makes what you proposed to Bullock even more dangerous and lame-brained. How many people would he take out at a huge gathering in order to get to you?’

‘Well, that’s why the police would be there. Don’t you think it makes sense to call him out? If I don’t, I’ll be looking over my shoulder every day until he either loses interest in me or gets caught. And what’s the likelihood that a psychopath will lose interest?’

‘Okay, I hear you.’ He folded his arms across his chest. ‘But I can tell you that Bullock won’t go for it. She can’t put a civilian in danger – it’d mean her badge. Personally, I think having the cops show up at the ball is a great idea.’

‘Tell that to Lieutenant Bullock. Are you going?’

He grinned. ‘Would I miss an opportunity to schmooze with every vampire in the western USA? After all these months following the trail of bloodless bodies, I might be in on the takedown. That’s definitely worth the price of admission.’

That gave me the opportunity to ask him the questions I’d wanted to ask since I met him. ‘Why are you so obsessed with this case, and vampires in general? What do you really want?’

He lowered his head and got very quiet. It wasn’t only that he didn’t speak. It was as if he stilled his body to the point that I was tempted to get up and put my hand on his chest to see if he was breathing.

After a few seconds he raised his eyes to study me, then he sat up straight, brushed off some imaginary substance from the front of his shirt and spoke, his voice low. ‘I’ve never told this to anyone. Not anyone. Ever. I’m not sure why I’m telling you. Maybe it’s because I really do want to have that wild and crazy sex you were talking about, or maybe it’s because I just want to tell someone. Finally. And you’ve got that mystical therapist vibe going for you.’ His smile didn’t reach his eyes. ‘I wouldn’t have been able to tell you this even a week ago, but after everything you’ve seen and heard, my story won’t sound so far-fetched or delusional. Maybe.’ He stood and paced around the room for a few seconds then propped himself against a far wall, his arms folded over his chest again.

‘Ready?’ He stared at me. ‘Wait for it.’ He paused. ‘My mother is a vampire.’

I opened my mouth but no sound came out. My brain spun for a few seconds, trying to concoct the perfect response, and failed. Was this his way of telling me he wasn’t going to answer my question? Was he trying to be funny again to deflect from whatever the truth was?

He returned to the couch and sat, reading my face. ‘You’re trying to figure out if I’m kidding or messing with you, or if I’ve gone barking mad, right?’

‘I always did great on multiple-choice tests.’

He hand-combed his thick chestnut hair, which left a couple of the shorter bits on top sticking straight up. ‘Okay, let me rephrase. My mother might be a vampire.’

‘I’m all ears, Special Agent Stevens.’ I sat back in my chair and almost reached for my pad and pen before I caught myself.

He sighed and ran his hands over his face, like he’d splashed water on it and was wiping it with a towel. ‘It happened when I was twelve. My father had taken off for parts unknown a few years before, leaving Mom and me by ourselves. Mom was great. She worked two jobs to keep the roof over our heads. She never complained. One of those jobs was tending bar at an upscale watering hole in Manhattan.’

He got up and started pacing again, as if the very telling of the story required movement. ‘My mom was beautiful – I mean, seriously great-looking – and she was very attractive to men, but she always picked the wrong ones. She was too soft-hearted for her own good. She used to take me to work with her sometimes and I washed and stacked glasses behind the bar. It was illegal to have an underage kid there, but everyone was cool. No one would’ve turned my mom in. They loved her.’

‘It sounds like you loved her, too.’

He ran his fingers through his hair again, strode to the window, and peeked outside. He was giving off so much nervous energy that I could’ve asked him to hold the plug end of my portable razor and shaved my legs while he talked to me.

‘Yeah, you could say that. About a month before she disappeared she started hanging out with this slick guy – you know the type: expensive clothes, big car, diamond-stud earring. He seemed okay at first. I thought he might be sick because he was so pale, but he was nice to me when I saw him.’ He walked into the kitchen and I heard the cabinet open and the faucet run. He carried his glass of water back to the couch and sat.

Patience, Kismet, patience. Wait. Some stories are hard to tell.

He rubbed the palm of his free hand repeatedly against his thigh. ‘I was happy for her: she really liked him, and he treated her well. But she started staying out all night, then ignoring the alarm clock when it went off in the morning, and she wound up losing her day job.’ He set the untouched glass of water on the table. ‘Then she started looking different. I was just worried about her, I didn’t know what was wrong – now I’d call it anaemic. One evening when I came home from my after-school job, I found her still in bed, barely breathing, with two hellacious holes in her neck. I ran out to get help and when I came back with the nurse who lived next door, she was gone.’

He slumped into the cushions, his chin almost resting on his chest.

I joined him on the couch, and laid my hand on his forearm. ‘You made the vampire connection because of the holes in her neck?’

‘Not for a while.’ He shook his head. ‘I thought she’d been kidnapped or ran away or that she died and someone snatched her body and didn’t tell me. The police investigated, but it went nowhere. I was sent to live with my mother’s sister in Jersey. I didn’t make the undead association until I saw my mother again.’

Whoa! That came out of left field. I paused long enough to stifle my initial knee-jerk reaction, forcing myself to remain companionably calm, detached. ‘You saw your mother?’

‘Yeah, during college: a bunch of us guys went out drinking in Manhattan at this new trendy bar. I got up to go to the john and I saw the guy – the slick guy my mom had been dating before she disappeared. He looked exactly the same. I was ten years older than the last time he’d seen me, but there was a spark of recognition . . . and surprise. Just then the person sitting next to him at the bar turned in my direction and it was my mom, looking very pale and not one day older.’

He leaped up and paced again. I was getting tired just watching him.

‘What did you do?’

‘I yelled, “Mom!” and before I could say another word, the slick guy pulled her by the arm and they were out of the bar faster than it was possible to move. I bolted after them, but they’d disappeared by the time I got outside. I ran first in one direction, then the other, desperately hoping for a glimpse of the long red dress she’d been wearing, but there was nothing. My friends came piling out, thinking I was drunk, and crammed me into a taxi.’

He plopped down next to me again, and sighed. ‘Of course, nobody believed me. They wouldn’t even check out the possibility that she’d been abducted and held against her will. I didn’t begin to explore the vampire angle until I read a couple of small articles in the New York paper about dead bodies with holes in their necks. Then it clicked.’

I took his hand. ‘So you’re searching for your mother?’

He gave a sheepish smile. ‘Pitiful, eh?’

‘No.’ I shook my head. ‘Not pitiful. Understandable. What will you do if you find her?’

His eyes welled up. ‘I just want her to tell me why she left me. She loved me – I know she did.’

I gathered him into my arms and gently rocked him.

He let me hold him for a few minutes, then pushed away and plucked a tissue from the nearby box. ‘Some FBI agent I am, eh? Blubbering on your shoulder like a kid. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to turn you into my therapist.’

I stroked his cheek, letting him see the compassion in my eyes. ‘You didn’t come to me as a therapist. You came as a friend. And as someone said to me recently, “I’m here for you”.’

He blew his nose and smiled. ‘I guess the wild and crazy sex is out? I’d be willing to settle for pity sex.’

I laughed and took his hand again. ‘How about a chaste platonic kiss?’ I bent in and pressed my lips to his.

He pulled away and whispered, ‘How about this instead?’

He used his body to shift me backwards until I was prone on the couch. His lips were soft and warm as they captured mine. He gently rubbed his groin against me and teased his tongue into my mouth.

My arms tightened around him, and I felt his excitement.

He broke the kiss and slowly sat up. He wore the expression of a man who was certain of his sexual charm.

‘Yes. When it finally happens, it will be very good.’ Then he nodded and stood.

I sat up, relieved I didn’t have to enter the murky territory of Alan versus Devereux, but aroused all the same.

Men were so good at disguising vulnerability with sex. He straightened his clothes and nonchalantly ran his fingers through his hair as if he hadn’t just reintroduced me to Mr Happy. The physical contact had done what he wanted it to do: it distracted us from the hurtful topic.

‘I’m going to go home and put on my costume for the ball. Do you want me to come back and pick you up?’

Driving up to the mountains alone was always fun in the daytime, but at night, with more vampires afoot than usual, company sounded like a good idea. Besides, I didn’t have any idea where the ghostly castle was or how to get there. ‘I’d appreciate the ride. What are you wearing?’

He grinned. ‘Guess.’

‘Common-or-garden-variety vampire, or something unique and interesting?’

‘I’ll surprise you. Is an hour enough time?’

‘Sure. I’ll just throw on a low-cut black number, put on some white makeup, false eyelashes and red lips and I’m good to go.’

He headed for the door, and glanced back over his shoulder. ‘Okay, then – it’s a date. Be back in an hour.’

Before doing anything else, I followed him to the door and locked it behind him.

I raced up the stairs, started the water in the shower, then went into my bedroom to discover what kind of long black dresses might be hiding in my closet. It was entirely possible; I’d accumulated dresses that I wore for one professional event or another and had then forgotten about. As I’d suspected, pushed against the far wall of the closet was a plastic bag stamped with the name of an expensive chain store, which contained the perfect black dress.

Finding the price tags still attached meant I’d never worn it, or I’d gone out in public with the tags flapping underneath my arms. Unfortunately, both options were possible.

Well, I couldn’t help it if my inner world was more interesting to me than most of the mundane details of the outer world. Would I trade my expertise in the emotional, psychic and psychological realms to be less socially awkward? No. But I wouldn’t mind giving my Inner Nerd a break. Maybe I just needed a wife? Yeah, that was it, someone to do all the stereotypical things we attribute to wives.

Or maybe a harem. Yum, a male harem.

I imagined Devereux, Alan, Tom, Vaughan the chiropractor, and the cute doctor I’d met in the ER all dressed up in slave costumes. I spun the wheel of various scenarios and envisioned them feeding me grapes, rubbing my feet and carrying me in one of those Egyptian-style chairs. Immediately I became totally distracted by a quick visual of the six of us having a private party in a luxurious curtained bed.

Maybe a cold shower would do me more good than a hot one.

But it’s a good sign that I’m having normal sexual urges, right?

I laughed out loud, removed the dress from the plastic bag and spread it out on my bed.

I even clipped off the price tags.

An hour later my makeup was done and the curls of my hair were combed into a long shining thickness. I was perfumed, high-heeled and poured into a slinky floor-length, cleavage-exposing black dress.

The ever-present, recently life-saving necklace was nestled in the valley.

Not too shabby.

After checking out the pale hue of my natural skin tone against the black of the dress, I’d decided against putting on even whiter makeup. Sometimes having a ghostly complexion came in handy.

Right on time the doorbell sounded and I scoped out the peephole.

I turned on the porch light and felt a ripple of dread fan through my body.

What now?

Standing on my porch was Dracula strolling the streets of London, à la Gary Oldman: top hat, long curls, blue-lensed glasses and a silver-knobbed walking stick.

But there was no mistaking that charming smile.

‘Alan!’ I opened the door. ‘You look amazing!’

He strutted into the entryway, preened and bowed. ‘This time I was prepared for the nightmare energy out there, so I used my vast intellect and a little self-hypnosis to counter its effects.’

‘Really? That’s good to know. I’ll have to teach the mailman to put himself into a trance so I can get my mail delivered. Enter, Count Dracula.’ I swept my arm through the air in invitation, then closed the door.

Adopting a thick Transylvanian accent, he said, ‘Mina, I mean, Kismet, I vant to drink your blood. But I could be persuaded to do something else instead.’

He stepped around behind me, lifted my hair away from my neck and ran his teeth over my skin. He sported the same kind of tiny fake fangs Midnight had worn.

The touch sent goosebumps across my skin and I turned to face him. ‘We’ll never get out of here if you keep on doing that.’

He slid his fingertips down my arms, still speaking in the thick accent. ‘It vould be my pleasure to rip off this incredibly sexy dress and ravage you right here on the floor. Do you prefer to be on the bottom or the top?’

‘Oh, Count, you take my breath away, but I fear we’ll be late for the vampire-staking if we dawdle.’

He lifted my hand and kissed the palm. ‘Then I shall come to visit you in the night.’

We both laughed.

‘Aren’t they adorable, Raleigh?’

Alan and I both jerked our heads towards the voice.

Once again, my living room hosted unexpected visitors. Bryce stood in the centre of the room, his long dark hair resplendent against a blood-red floor-length velvet coat. White ruffles peeked out of the lapels and sleeves. Black leather trousers hugged his well-proportioned lower body.

It had to be some kind of cosmic injustice that such an evil being was so devilishly handsome. He could’ve been a candidate for Vampire Pinup of the Year if it hadn’t been for the struggling human he held under his arm in an effortless headlock.

I recognised Ronald’s auburn hair immediately; he was being held in a chokehold so tight that only grunts emanated from the young man’s lips.

My stomach contracted and I gasped. Could this day get any worse?

As he’d done before, Raleigh laughed maniacally while parading, Munchkin-like, around the room. Instead of the sleeveless muscle shirt he’d worn last time, in honour of the ball he was decked out in a miniature version of traditional movie vampire garb: slicked-back burgundy hair, white shirt and long, sweeping cape with a raised collar. He’d painted black circles around his icy blue-white eyes.

Creepy.

Alan dropped his walking stick, pulled a gun from somewhere under his jacket and pointed it at Bryce.

‘That’s enough. Release him. Now.’

‘Well, well. Things just keep on getting better. I do love a good drama.’ Bryce ignored the gun and, moving faster than we could see, planted himself directly in front of Alan, surprising him. He gazed into Alan’s eyes, which fluttered then closed completely, his chin nodding against his chest.

Alan’s arm fell to his side. The gun slipped from his hand onto the floor with a thump.

‘What a disappointment.’ Bryce kicked the gun aside. ‘Not a worthy adversary after all. Just another squawking blood-sack.’ The handsome demon turned and moved towards me, dragging Ronald along like a crash-test dummy.

He gave his favourite evil smile. ‘But I must admit, I’m surprised to find Devereux’s paramour indulging herself with another man. I wonder if he knows? What a shame I’m so bad at keeping secrets.’ He smiled wider. ‘It will give me great pleasure to be the one to tell him that the pathetic human woman he rejected me for is being unfaithful.’

‘Really?’ My mouth dropped open. ‘All the fighting, violence and drama are because you’re jealous? You want to take over the coven and hurt Devereux because he doesn’t share your feelings? Seriously? Are you twelve?’

I immediately regretted my outburst. Not a very savvy therapeutic intervention, Kismet. Never agitate the predator.

His face contorted with rage. He stepped forwards and leaned towards me, the epitome of pure malevolence. ‘Shut the fuck up, human. You know nothing about me. Devereux and I were together centuries before you were born. It was only ever a matter of time until he came to his senses. After I dispose of you, everything will be as it should be.’ He straightened and gave what he probably considered to be a charming smile. ‘I see you’re all ready for the festivities. Excellent. We have a special room reserved just for you.’ He jostled Ronald. ‘I’m afraid your little friend here had quite a hissy fit when I sucked most of the blood out of his girlfriend Midnight’s body. He insisted on coming along to tell you all about it. Unfortunately, he seems to be a little tongue-tied at the moment.’ He laughed robustly, tightening his grip on Ronald’s neck.

Ronald gasped for air. He wasn’t going to make it if Bryce didn’t release him soon.

I didn’t know what to do, so I did something stupid. I took a step towards Bryce, got in his face and screamed, ‘Let him go, you bloodsucking coward! Showing off is for idiots and children. We’ll see how big and bad you are after Devereux gets through with you!’

Bryce flinched; he didn’t like that. His handsome features contorted into a ghastly mask, his eyes narrowed and grew darker. He growled, showing razor-point fangs.

I figured mentioning Devereux’s name would push his buttons, but I didn’t think it through beyond hoping he’d turn his rage on me and drop Ronald.

So much for that.

Bryce simply appeared at my side, circled my waist with his free arm and yanked me against his body. He jerked his chin in unconscious Alan’s direction and said to Raleigh, ‘Bring Dracula.’