The Wager

Chapter Forty-three

He couldn’t drink away his problems, he couldn’t whore them away. It was as if every step he took toward Char, he had to take a step back. Yes, he was still pissed about the fact that she had planned to sell out his family for her job, but the more he thought about it the more he respected her for saying no to her boss.

She needed a job.

Unlike him.

He could waste away the rest of his life and still have more money than he knew what to do with. Char, however, didn’t have a trust fund to fall back on; she didn’t have a multi-million-dollar house she could sell, or her pick of at least ten foreign cars.

The girl had to eat and pay bills, things Jake had never worried about, ever.

He’d had it all planned in his head. He’d joke around with her a bit to break the ice, and then he would apologize for snapping at her the night before.

Except then they’d had to stand in for the damn wedding ceremony and things had become so unbelievably real that he’d started to shake when he held Char’s hands. When he’d said those vows, he wanted to mean them. For the first time in his life he’d wanted the commitment to be real. Damn, but he wanted her to see past the façade he put on and just accept him.

In that moment, when he’d held her hands, when he’d looked into her blue eyes, his heart begged for her to see more than everyone else before. He though if anyone could see past his insecurities, it was Char.

But instead of seeing past it…

She’d exposed him, like a live wire, for the world to see. And for the first time in his life he had nothing he could say to make it better. He’d called her a bitch and walked away; again, he’d walked away. Was that how he was dealing with things now? Walking away and sulking? He didn’t want to be that guy anymore, the one that ignored all of his emotions, stuffed them into the farthest part of his brain and got drunk in order to forget he had them in the first place.

The problem with finally dealing with his past demons was that they’d been a part of him for so long that they’d almost become a comfort, or to him, a crutch.

He still had issues with Kacey’s parents’ deaths—never getting over the fact that they were taken from both him and Kacey. And then never feeling like he could live up to his dad’s strict standards of what a Titus should be. Then finally, his own belief that in the end, he wasn’t capable of loving someone the way they deserved to be loved.

His whole life he’d been afraid of commitment, yet it was only now that he realized he’d been in a relationship for twenty-three years. He was shackled to himself, in a relationship with his own demons. The most important thing in his life had always been to live for the moment, to live for himself. Parents always warned their kids about the dangers of unhealthy relationships with others—so why didn’t they ever warn kids about the dangers of an unhealthy relationship with yourself? With your own damn heart?

Jake walked to the back of the house and out onto the dock that overlooked the river. With a sigh he sat at the edge and watched one of the dinner cruise boats slowly go by.

Life had been so much easier when he was a little kid, when his only worries had been whether his mom was going to wash his basketball uniform on time or if the kids at school would want to play kickball.

Being an adult sucked.

Finally realizing you were a selfish jackass didn’t help either.

“Can I sit down?” Travis asked behind him.

“Sure,” Jake said.

“It’s a nice evening.” Travis’s knees cracked as he took a seat on the dock.

Jake nodded and kept looking out at the water. If he looked his brother in the eyes he’d probably snap—he was that on edge.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” Travis asked.

With a sigh, Jake leaned back on his hands and shook his head. “Not particularly, no.”

A movement caught Jake’s eye. He watched as Travis pulled a small envelope from his pocket. “Here’s the thing. I never wanted to give this to you.”

“Are we divorcing?” Jake tried to sound lighthearted but he was a bit freaked out. What the hell could be in that envelope?

Travis rolled his eyes. “You should be so lucky to get away from me. No, it’s not anything like that. It’s just…” He swore. “This last year, Kacey finally read a few of the letters that her parents had left in their will. Apparently, they’d updated it the year before they died and had put a few keepsakes in with it, just in case.”

Jake bit his lip and looked away as tears threatened in his eyes. This was why he never talked about his feelings. Just talking about Kacey’s’ parents made his chest hurt. Damn, why did they have to go and die like that?

Why did it have to be that same night Jake had been caught doing another irresponsible thing? Why hadn’t Jake been given the chance to apologize to Kacey’s dad?

Travis handed the envelope to Jake. “This one was for you.”

“For me?” Jake took the envelope. “Why now? Why are you giving this to me now?”

Travis smirked. “Because my future wife is relentless…” He nudged Jake in the side. “And because there were strict instructions to only give it to you when something specific happened.”

“Oh yeah? What? Insanity?”

Travis licked his lips and looked away. “No, it was for when you fell in love.”

“I kind of feel like we’re having a moment here,” Jake joked.

“Shut up.” Travis laughed. “They wrote letters for family and friends. Apparently Kacey’s’ mom was really into taking notes; she has an entire notebook full of her thoughts and poems. At any rate, there were two letters left. One was for Kacey on her wedding day and one was for you…”

“What about you? Did you have a letter?” Jake asked.

Travis shook his head. “I have Kacey. Guess we’ll see what that letter says tomorrow when we say our vows. You still planning on walking her down with Dad?”

Jake fought the hammering of his heart and gave a jerky nod.

“Good.” Travis slapped him on the back. “I’m going to leave you to—” Travis waved at the letter. “See you at dinner.”

Jake clenched the letter in his hand and watched Travis walk back down the dock. With shaking fingers, Jake undid the seal of the envelope and pulled out a piece of paper. Its contents were short, to the point, in scratchy handwriting:

I knew it would happen. I told Rose just this morning that it was gonna happen and she up and laughed at me. I wonder if it’s Kacey who’s finally caught your eye. Ah, a father knows, the way you look at her is the way a man looks at his best friend. I can tell these things.

At any rate. We never talked about that night, Jake. You know which one I’m referring to. Hell, I doubt you’ll ever forget about digging holes in the backyard and having to apologize over and over again for getting caught with drugs and women you had no business being with. You always were a feisty one. In that moment, Jake, I knew, you’d probably grow up to be one of those big corporate guys. The ones with the fancy cars and fast women. You had that look about you, and I have to admit, it scared me a bit thinking about Kacey being with you.

I guess I’ll just have to trust that what was engrained in you when you were a boy stayed with you. It should, if that grandmother of yours has anything to say about it.

Rose says we have to write letters to our friends and family just in case. I know you’re probably wondering why I wrote you one. You’ve always been like a son to me, Jake. I’ve known you since you were still in diapers. The thought occurred to me today, what if I’m not able to see you full grown? What if I can’t see you on your wedding day? What if I can’t be a part of your life, your future? When a man gets old he thinks about his past, about his regrets. My regret was never talking to my own father one last time before he left this world and went into the next. Although you have a damn fine father, I always felt like I was another one for you. That being said, Jake, I’m so damn proud of you. By now I hope you’ve had both failures and successes, but more than that, I’m proud you’ve found someone that’s worth holding onto. When men fall, they fall hard, they fall ass backward into the water without a life preserver—you’re one of those men, Jake. My advice? Be the man. Don’t let yourself drown. Don’t run or swim away from the safety of the boat. The boat, that’s your home, your family, your life. The preserver that keeps you afloat will always be your wife, your partner. Without a preserver you drown, a preserver without something to hold onto has no purpose, so you see, you need each other… you need to rely on one another for everything. Never forget that if it’s not worth fighting for, it’s not worth having. When you feel like giving up, when you feel like you may not be good enough, remember that none of us really are. We’re all undeserving of the women in our life, but damn if we don’t try every single day to become worthy of their love. I guess what I’m saying is… love her. Please her, cherish her, and by God, son, her smiles better outnumber her tears.

To my second son… and his new wife… may your bed be filled with laughter, your nights filled with pleasure, your home filled with the smell of good food, and your hearts be full of joy. This is the reason we are on this earth—to love.

Jake choked back the giant knot in his throat and stuffed the letter into his pocket. Damn Bill for making him feel like an emotional woman.

Did he love her?

Char?

His breath came faster as he began thinking about the past few weeks. Sure, they’d just reconnected, but he’d known her all his life. He knew about the freckle on her hip, her aversion to pickles or anything green, and finally her laugh.

Oh, he knew her laugh, because it made him feel like a damn superhero when he made her laugh.

And now he felt like an ass because the last time she’d laughed was too long ago and he truly was part of the reason for her tears.

With a curse he got up from the dock and made his way back toward the house.