The Warrior Challenged

13

When I finally woke up I discovered it was the next morning, which meant I’d slept through the rest of the previous afternoon and all of the night. Golden sunshine streamed into the very large golden room, and I was able to lie unthinking in the furs until someone peeked in and found me awake. Very quickly after that I was surrounded by servants and assistants, diplomatically rousted out of bed, then shown to the apartment’s bathing room. I had help getting undressed, help getting washed, help getting dried, and help getting dressed again in fresh breeches and shirt made of silk. The clothes were a surprisingly good fit, but that was the only surprisingly good part of any of it. When a tray of food was brought in and someone tried to help me eat from it, I finally decided I’d had more than enough. I quietly told them all that I’d take it alone from there, and anyone who didn’t instantly disappear from the room would instantly regret it. Even if most of them hadn’t been there for my fight with Farian, they’d all heard about it, and about half an instant later I was the only one who hadn’t disappeared.

I was quietly brooding over the observation that obsequious behavior from those around you tended to encourage outrageous exercises of power and position, when a knock came at the door. Since I knew who it was I didn’t bother answering, but that made no more difference than it ever did. When Dallan got no response he simply opened the door and walked right in, then came over to me where I sat among lovely gold cushions.

“You appear well-rested and refreshed from your labors,” he observed, picking a section of floor fur for himself. He was back to wearing his blue haddin under his swordbelt instead of a brown slave-wrap, and seemed extremely pleased over the change. “I have come to see how you fare, for Hestin tells me Tammad will continue to sleep for some time yet. The sleep has been encouraged by a potion, of course, yet is it necessary to enable him to return to himself. Until that occurs, I will do as I have done till now.”

“And keep watch over me,” I said with a nod, then gestured toward the tray of food that had been brought for me. “You may help yourself if you wish, there is sufficient for many more than just one.”

“You have my thanks for your generosity, wenda,” he said, but the words just covered the sudden, close attention he bent on me with a frown. “I will be honored to share your provender—after you have spoken of what disturbs you. ”

“I am attempting to speak of a thing which will disturb you as well,” I said with a faint smile for his usual perceptivity, looking into his pretty blue eyes. “Dallan-your duty to watch over me is no more, for I have been told I am no longer the belonging of Tammad. Honor demands that I retain my place here as Chama for there are many who need me, and honor may not be denied even by one who nearly begged to be allowed to do so. To a l’lenda honor is all, and no matter that I, myself, am not l’lenda. I am no longer permitted to love one who is.”

“Terril-he said this to you?” Dallan asked, the shock and dismay in his mind so great that it reflected on his handsome face. “I cannot believe he would do such a thing- Perhaps you are mistaken?”

“He said he might not have me, for there are now others who need me more,” I answered, strangely enough trying to be gentle for Dallan’s sake. “How is it possible to be mistaken when told a thing such as that? I was not told that he no longer loved me, only that he would no longer have me. Do not be overly upset, brother. I have seen at last that what occurred is for the best.”

“Sister,” he said, tragedy in his eyes and in his thoughts, but I shook my head before he could go on.

“Dallan, you know what difficulty I had living in this world,” I said, trying to explain it to him as I’d worked it out for myself. “His beliefs have never truly been mine, and a thing such as this was bound to occur at some time if not this one. Never have I been able to put his welfare and happiness after any other thing, yet honor and duty have always stood first in his thoughts. I do not fault him for this for he is l’lenda-yet I am not, nor do I wish to be. I am done with him now, and oddly relieved to have it so.”

He stared at me with such pain that I was tempted to soothe it down for him, but that was the sort of temptation I had to learn to resist. There’s very little separating the urge to help and the urge to “change just a little,” and that was a fork in the road I had no intentions of traveling. If people left me alone I would do the same for them, and then maybe the road would get easier.

Dallan was busy trying to accept what I’d told him, when another knock came at the door. This one was a mere formality, however, because Dallan hadn’t closed the door when he’d come in; most of the small crowd was already in the room, and the knock had just been to get my attention.

“We give you greetings for a new day, Terril,” Relgon said for all of them, her mind considerably calmer than those of Deegor and Leelan. Eight of our original group of ten were there, and they all seemed agitated but determined.

“And I give you the same, Relgon,” I answered politely, then gestured at the multitude of cushions. “Will you not come in and join me?”

They all perked up at the unexpected invitation, possibly having anticipated being thrown out the way my assistants had been earlier, and immediately began coming farther into the room. All of them felt better-with the single exception of Leelan, who had very quickly noticed Dallan’s presence there. I had the feeling she was trying to decide just how long he’d been there, but once they were all settled on the floor fur, Relgon gave her no time to even consider asking.

“We have seen to a number of things for you, Terril,” the older woman said at once, her mind faintly amused with the knowledge of what Leelan was feeling. “First and foremost have those who were members of the various Hands of Power been taken and separated, and their fate may now be decided at leisure. Also has the palace guard been reorganized, although a number of its former members remain to be examined. Many served Farian merely through necessity or a sense of duty toward the office, and these should not be punished with those who served willingly.”

“And what became of the Hand I struck?” I asked, not really wanting to know but still compelled to ask. Relgon didn’t avoid my eyes, but her mind offered me comfort even before she spoke.

“There was no need to separate that Hand,” she said, a compassionate understanding in her at how I would take the news. “They-received the power of your thrust with their minds wide, and likely were gone before any pain was able to touch them. The guards who stood beyond their chamber were completely unaware of what had occurred.”

I nodded without saying anything, feeling the admiration in the minds of the others over the fact that I’d been able to kill five people at once without even disturbing the guards who had been no more than feet away. That, of course, was why Tammad, Cinnan, and I had been put in a room alone when we’d first gotten to the palace. The Hand had strength but not control, and they’d simply saturated the entire area in order to get us. The mountain stone on the walls of the room had to act as reflectors and magnifiers—which explained why I’d felt as I had while we were traveling through the mountain pass. The walls of rock had been picking up the broadcasts of the Hand, reflecting and magnifying it and then passing it on to me. I wondered then if the white stone of the palace didn’t have some sort of magnifying abilities of its own: I hadn’t been able to even begin questioning what was happening to me as a slave until I managed to close my shield. I realized then that thinking all those thoughts was actually helping to divert me from what I’d done to the Hand, so the best thing I could do was go on with the diverting.

“What of Cinnan and Aesnil?” I asked, ashamed that I hadn’t thought to inquire sooner. “Have they been greatly harmed?”

“The Chama of Grelana was in no manner physically harmed,” Deegor put in, temporarily taking over for her sister. “Her mind, however, is greatly confused, for Farian had been attempting to make a loyal follower of her. The confusion will pass, we believe, for the Chama does not seem one who takes easily to following others. The man Cinnan, on the other hand, was not well treated in his capture, and now rests in the care of Hestin. When learning of his presence, the Chama was quick to go to his side.”

“Which will surely aid in his mending,” I said with another nod, then looked around at them. “Are there any other matters which require discussion?”

“We have not yet spoken of the most important matter of all,” Relgon said, her light eyes calm as she broached the subject no one else seemed to want to get to. “I am told that inadvertently a knowledge of our laws failed to be fully shared with you, and you were caused upset through the lack. We all wish to offer our apologies, and hope that you now see the need for such a law. As our Chama must be one with the power, to merely slay her does not allow another to take her place. The Chama must be bested with the power itself, and the one to best her then becomes Chama in her place.”

“I am aware of your reasons, yet are you mistaken upon one of the matters referred to,” I said, then moved my eyes to Leelan. “The law was not inadvertently kept from me, the omission was deliberate. I had informed Leelan that I had no wish to lead your group and she was unable to shake my resolve, therefore did she allow me to believe that I did no more than agree to be a part of it. I was kept ignorant of the fact that I strove to be Chama, for it was known that I would not wish the place. How foolish she and you are, to accept an unknown stranger as ruler of your country.”

“We would be foolish indeed, were it an unknown stranger who was accepted,” Leelan said at once, before anyone could react to my deliberate attempt at insult. “You speak truly, Terril, when you speak of my actions, yet must you see the matter through my eyes. Not only were you willing to give the aid we required, you also wished no more for yourself than assistance in freeing your memabrak. Such a one is to be considered unfit for the place of Chama? With the power you possess, another would have sought and demanded all she might, also would it have been naught to her what became of others. Have you proven to be such a one? Your concern and sense of honor mark you, girl, and truly pleased am I that your rewards are greater than those you sought. ”

Leelan sat leaning comfortably on a cushion, her pretty face showing a very satisfied expression, her mind gleeful over the way she’d made everything come out right. I suppose I could have controlled myself if she hadn’t used the word “honor,” but that was one word that made me feel rather touchy.

“How nice that you are pleased, Leelan,” I drawled, getting more comfortable against my own cushion. “As you consider it self-evident that one with concern for a country and its people will make a fine Chama, you will undoubtedly be even more pleased to know that my first official act will be the consummation of an alliance with the country of Gerleth. I am acquainted with Rellis, the Chamd of Gerleth, who has fathered two sons. Rellis will surely agree to having his younger son band a personage of Vediaster, one who was daughter to the former Chama, and in such a way will you, too, aid your country. Do you believe the alliance likely to be accepted, Dallan?”

I turned my eyes to the l’lenda where he sat not far from me, pretending not to see how devastated Leelan was, and found that the man was finally understanding why Leelan had until then refused his bands. Under other circumstances he probably would have told her immediately who he was, but something in the tenor of his thoughts hinted that he was remembering what Leelan had said and done while he was an involuntary slave.

“I have lived in Gerleth all my life, and know the Chamd well,” he said at last, also pretending not to see how upset Leelan was. “I am of the opinion that Rellis will find the alliance eminently acceptable, and the banding as well. This personage of Vediaster will be very fortunate . . . .”

Hearing Dallan himself seal her fate was just too much for Leelan, and she was up on her feet and running out of the room even before he’d finished. He watched her disappear with a definite pang of guilt over the way he’d gotten even, then rose himself and strode after her. Everyone else was silently upset at the goings on and the goings out, and once Dallan was out of sight and hearing Relgon decided to comment.

“For one of compassion, your first act as Chama was rather cruel,” she observed, looking at me with a bit less calm. “Surely you have no intentions of seeking any such alliance? Leelan would naturally bow to the need, yet would she then also need to put forever from her thoughts the one who has just followed her. Would you take what life they might have together, in an attempt to be revenged for the great harm she has done you?”

Relgon’s gesture meant more than just the room and what was in it, and it was accompanied by murmurs of agreement from the others. I looked slowly at each of them, and smiled a nasty smile.

“The alliance will be made exactly as I have said,” I informed them firmly and deliberately. “How well stands now your opinion of one who is a stranger? How easy will be your lives beneath the sway of such a one? And how easily will you find one of greater power to best her? Truly are you fools for what you have done.”

I stood up then and turned my back on them and their anger, strolling slowly toward the wall that was all windows. How pretty the golden sunshine was, coming in through golden curtains to turn gleaming everything it touched. I had no idea what was beyond those windows, and very little interest in finding out. If my new associates got angry enough life could become painful again, but that was a small price to pay for the freedom I needed. I had to leave Vediaster as quickly as possible, preferably without anyone rushing after me in concern, getting out of there before . . . . ”

“Terril.”

The single word and hand on my shoulder made me cringe involuntarily, but nothing came after that. The anger I had hoped for was conspicuous by its absence, and compassion stood in its place.

“Truly, girl, you have lived too long among those without the power,” Relgon said gently as she and Deegor each put an arm around my shoulders. “One who means others ill thinks the same, the venom of her envy or hatred or despising clearly there to be felt.”

“Also does such a one take care not to turn an unguarded back upon those with weapons,” Deegor added, like an echo with a separate soul. “Had your mind been set between us and you, we would have known that as well. No more was there within you than a great deal of unhappiness, so clear that we all were able to perceive it. Have we forced upon you so great and terrible a burden, then?”

“No, no, the position is merely unwelcome,” I quickly reassured their deep upset, inwardly sighing over having forgotten that they’d be able to tell how I felt. “I shall remain for a short while to assist you, yet during that time a new Chama must be found.”

“You are determined and will not be swayed,” Relgon said, looking down at me with partly narrowed eyes. “All these riches mean naught to you, and you yearn greatly for another place. You mean to return with your memabrak to his own country, then.”

“No, I shall not go with the one who was my memabrak,” I said, looking away from her penetrating gaze and back to the windows, feeling the pain despite my resolve not to. “There is a road of my own I must follow, and I am most eager to begin the journey.”

The arms of the two women tightened briefly around me then, trying to soothe the pain they could feel. They could tell I didn’t want to talk about it and respected my wishes, and for that I was very grateful.

“And, of course, there will be no alliance with Gerleth which Leelan must be committed to,” Deegor said after a minute, taking her arm away. “Although an alliance with so strong a country would be beneficial to us here, the price of it would be far too high.”

“The price of it will seem as though no cost at all,” I countered, bringing my gaze back to see the startlement on both of the twins. “I am rather fond of the younger prince of Gerleth, and that despite his penchant for constantly antagonizing me. His name, should you find it of any interest, is Dallan. ”

Seeing two identical faces gaping at you open-mouthed from left and right is the least bit unsettling, but then they and the others were laughing, as well as congratulating me on the way I’d gotten even with Leelan. Everyone had a grand old time, and then it turned out that they had a number of jobs that only I could do. Of course they were going to begin looking for a new Chama, most likely applying the law used when the Chama died of natural causes, but first there were these jobs . . . .

Hours and hours disappeared with the doing of those jobs, and finally I’d called a halt so that I could be alone for a while. There was no longer the sound of battle as I walked along the corridors, and I gratefully acknowledged that fact as I rubbed at my temples with the fingers of both hands. I wasn’t overtired and I didn’t have a headache, but I couldn’t ever remember working so hard with my mind. There had been quite a number of guard w’wendaa and members of Farian’s court whose loyalty no one had been able to determine for sure, and that had been one of my jobs. There were no more nulls, thank goodness, but even without them the time had been unpleasant, forcing woman after woman to feel and speak the truth. So many of them had been delighted with the former Chama and her intentions, and most of them, when caught in the lie of swearing allegiance to the victors over her, cursed me for what I had done. Being screamed at like that didn’t bother me, but the memory of what their minds had been like—

“Terril!” The call drew me out of my own thoughts, but was welcome. Dallan came up to me from one of the cross corridors, and smiled down at me with an expression I’d rarely seen before.

“I was told you walked alone to clear your mind of the thoughts of others,” he said, reaching out one big hand to smooth my hair. “Is my presence an intrusion?”

“Your presence, no,” I said, returning his smile. “It is female minds I must escape for a while, as the others were well aware. I had not known how pleasant it would be to state a need to those who are capable of doing as I do. I had only to give my assurance that I would defend myself should the need arise, and was then able to go off without even the presence of guards.”

“There should be little danger for you here in the palace,” he agreed, following along beside me as I began walking again. “I sought you out for I wished to thank you for the offer of an alliance between Gerleth and Vediaster. Although the formalities are yet to be completed, the incidental banding has already been done.”

“You told her then,” I said, smiling even more at the sense of blissful completion in his mind. As long as I’d known him there had been a sort of questing after something deep inside, and the feeling was no longer there. Leelan made Dallan whole, and he was very much aware of it.

“I did not speak as quickly as I had thought I would,” he answered, grinning at the memory. “When first I entered her apartment, meaning to ease her upset, she threw insults at me for having dared to support your betrayal. She had no wish to be mated with this prince of Gerleth, she said, telling me in such a way that she was the personage referred to, and then stated that I clearly had no true feelings for her, else I would speak against the alliance.

“I considered it best to grow thoughtful at these revelations, then at last shrugged them off as of no consequence. I informed her that the younger prince of Gerleth was widely known as one who should have been born wenda, and once his bands had been closed for a short while on his new memabra, I would challenge him for her. Leelan was aghast at my words for, as she quickly informed me, the younger prince of Gerleth was indeed widely known, yet as a greatly able l’lenda. If I were to challenge him, I would more than likely fall.”

Dallan was chuckling by then, his eyes twinkling as he shared his amusement, and I grinned and nodded for him to go on.

“I immediately assured the woman that I most certainly would not fall in any meeting with the prince, then became determined to show her how deep my feelings truly ran. Rather than be the one to challenge, it would be I who would need to be challenged, for it would be I whose bands were upon the woman in question. Leelan grew horrified when I produced those bands, then attempted to keep me from my intention as she had once said she would. She is a woman of great skill and adequate strength, yet is she still w’wenda rather than l’lenda. When my bands were upon her despite her objections, when she fully knew the man who had claimed her, I then told her what name he was known by elsewhere.”

“At which point she either laughed in relief and delight, or sought your life and privates,” I said, still as amused as he was. “Shall I attempt to guess which?”

“As you are acquainted with Leelan, there should be little mystery to the matter,” he answered, more than delighted himself. “It was necessary that I point out to her how undesirable it was for a woman to contemplate such doings with her memabrak. She in turn pointed out that she had attempted rather than contemplated them, therefore the matter should surely be acceptable. I find it quite fortunate that one seldom laughs alone, else would she have gotten a good deal of her own back.”

“You will likely need to guard yourself for some time yet,” I observed, amused at the thought. “And in what manner did a w’wenda look upon having the bands of a l’lenda closed on her?”

“She was far from pleased.” Dallan sighed, immediately both annoyed and disturbed. “A single band about the wrist is customary in Vediaster, I was told, with a matching band upon the man. I cannot see my woman as anything less than five-banded, and certainly cannot accept a band of my own, but I feel the matter is not yet settled between us.”

“Undoubtedly it one day shall be,” I said, giving him what comfort I could. “To the satisfaction of you both.” I stopped again, short of the next cross-corridor, and smiled up at him. “You have my thanks for having shared the time with me, brother. I shall wish you nothing more than all the happiness the world contains.”

“A happiness which I wish might be shared with you, sister,” he said, his eyes showing hurt again. “We must make the opportunity to speak together, for there are surely many men who would wish to band a Chama, and just as surely one at least who would be acceptable.”

“I will be certain to seek a time,” I assured him, not bothering to mention that seeking was a good distance from finding—or reminding him of what he’d taught me about how it would be for me with a man other than Tammad.

“And now you wish to return to solitude,” he said, probably seeing the need in my eyes. “Perhaps you would care to take the meal later with Leelan and myself.”

“It would give me a good deal of pleasure to do so,” I said, really meaning it. “Later I must see Aesnil to aid in the removal of the confusion given her by Farian, and perhaps she, too, will wish to join us.”

Dallan thought the suggestion a good one and then we parted company, he to go back the way we’d come, I to continue on up the corridor. By the third step I was deep inside myself again, this time trying to calm my impatience to get out of there. I had the feeling Relgon and Deegor were going out of their way to show me what it was like to be with others of my own kind, hoping that I might then be persuaded to stay. Under other circumstances I probably would have been tempted, but not under those circumstances, and certainly not with—

The hand closed on my arm so hard and so unexpectedly that I cried out, but by then I was already into the cross-corridor where I’d been pulled, a cross-corridor dim with the light of a single distant torch. I immediately reached to the mind directing the hand that had pulled me in there, then stood frozen in shock while two massive arms crushed me to a broad, bare chest.

“Where have you been, girl?” his voice demanded in a fierce whisper, rocking emotions making it tremble. “You were given to me as a slave, and should not have been taken by any other! Had I not heard your voice I would not have found you again, to return you to your place at my side. You shall not again be allowed to leave me!”

The slave held me to him with a desperate relief that flowed over me like a tide turned savage by a storm, pushing me under where I would likely drown. He was so glad to have me back, and so afraid he might lose me again, and I shuddered in his arms, not strong enough to pull free, totally incapable of striking at him with my mind. He was so innocent, and had been hurt so much, and the feelings he had for me—

“Release that woman at once!” another voice snapped, far from a whisper, and then I knew that Dallan had heard me cry out and had come back to help me. The slave stiffened and his painful fear was a rake of claws through my insides, but he didn’t let me go.

“But this slave is mine!” he nearly begged, the words echoing in the warm chest my cheek was against. “She was given to me, and you have no right to take her! And you cannot have her in any event! When the mistresses see that weapon you bear, they will end you! Slaves are not permitted to bear weapons!”

Dallan was silent for a moment, his mind shocked and struggling to make sense of what had been said to him, and all I could see was the thick arm in front of my face, indistinct in the dimness of the corridor. That arm was one of the two that held me, gentle in spite of everything, warm and alive and—

“You are one of the male slaves of this palace,” Dallan said with dawning comprehension, his voice less harsh than it had been and accompanied by the sound of his sword being returned to its scabbard. “I was told that your whereabouts were a mystery, and it was feared that you were in some manner done away with. Are the others with you?”

“My brothers and I were commanded to remain in this corridor until we were returned for,” the slave answered, now sounding bewildered. “The others are at the far end and I alone crept to this one, hoping to find one who would allow us to leave. We have had neither food nor drink since we were brought here, and . . . .”

“By the Sword of Gerleth!” Dallan spat, frightening the slave even more. “They brought you here knowing full well you would be unable to leave if they failed to return, for this was meant to be a final, vicious stroke against those who condemned them for their love of slavery. Eventually your bodies would have been found, and it would be known to all that it was their very victory which slew you. Had they not been victorious you would have been returned for, rather than left to starve and die of thirst! What a pity their plans have now come to naught. Gather the others, for the time has come for you all to leave here.”

“But—we cannot leave!” the slave whispered, trembling at the idea. “We have not been given permission to do so by one who is free, and therefore . . . .”

“I am free,” Dallan interrupted with pity in his voice and mind, hating the need to be so gentle. “Such is the reason I wear a weapon without fear. No longer are there slaves in this palace, for all have been freed. Come with me now, so that you, too, may know freedom.”

“Freedom,” the slave whispered, trembling even harder. “We will now be made to know freedom. I will fetch the others at once. ”

He released his two-armed grip as he began to turn, but he still kept one arm firmly around me as he got ready to go back to the others. I was his and not about to be turned loose, but suddenly Dallan was there, taking his arm off me and stepping between us.

“No!” the slave cried, trying desperately to pass Dallan, but although he was nearly the l’lenda’s size it was as though a half-grown boy fought with a man. “Please! The female is mine! ”

“The woman is free,” Dallan told him, still speaking gently even as he kept him from reaching me again. “She is free and therefore cannot be claimed as a slave by you. When you, too, are free, you may present yourself to her as one free person to another. ”

“I may do such a thing?” the slave asked, still upset but somewhat diverted. “I shall be free, and I may present myself to her?”

“Indeed you may,” Dallan assured him, patting his shoulder as he urged him toward the darkened far end of the corridor. “And the others may do the same with other wendaa. Let us fetch them now, so that you and they may be fed and begun upon the road to freedom.”

“Yes, let us begin,” the slave agreed, filled with a fearful enthusiasm, and as they made their way up the corridor I backed a few steps in the opposite direction, stumbled and nearly fell as I turned, then ran as fast as I ever had before in my life.

I have no memory of the corridors I passed through, but there must have been quite a few of them. The first thing I do remember is coming to a pair of open terrace-doors, stopping a moment to drag in uncounted, painful gasps of air, and then plunging wildly through them. Outside it was a warm, bright early-afternoon, with very few people around and an air of peace overlying everything. I stopped again to look around, the sweat dripping down my face and spotting my shirt and breeches, my heart pounding, and slowly it came through to me that I’d left the palace at a point near the stables. I was panting and still wanted to run, but I forced myself to a more normal pace and that way covered the rest of the distance to where the seetarr were kept.

It was much dimmer inside the stables, but the boy had no trouble seeing me. He came up anxious to be of service, terribly proud of his new green haddin and uncollared neck, and in just a few minutes I had a seetar complete with saddle and bridle. I had to use a block to mount him, but once mounted he responded well to my mind and carried me to the nearest gate. The guards there were startled to see me riding through all alone, but before they could protest or try to come with me, I was already across the open stretch and moving into the city streets.

It took me awhile to find the main street that led out of the city, but once I did I followed the road a short distance before finally turning off into a quiet stand of trees. A small breeze moved the leaves overhead as I dismounted, and my seetar snorted in contentment at having been allowed to stop in such a pleasant place. I sat down in the grass in front of one of the white-barked, narrow-boled trees, folded my legs in front of me, then buried my face in my hands. The urge to run was still inside me, and I didn’t have to wonder why.

“I almost did it,” I whispered to myself, so sickened and horrified that I couldn’t picture ever being tranquil again. “Because he thinks he loves me, I almost let him claim me. When he puts his arms around me, it felt good.”

And that was the part that tortured me the most, the fact that the slave’s arms had felt good. Tammad hadn’t said that he didn’t love me, but how do you give up someone you love? I needed to be loved, needed it so desperately that I’d almost been ready to accept it from a man with the mind of a child, but he wasn’t the one I wanted to love me. I wanted the man I loved to love me, but honor and duty meant more to him than I did. He was better off without me, I knew he was, but that didn’t work in the reverse no matter what I’d said to Dallan. I needed him more than I needed my life, more than I needed my eyes or mind or heart, but the disease called honor had come between us, an incurable disease.

I was crying by then, the sort of crying that comes from a hurt that simply won’t stop. The man I loved and needed didn’t love or need me, at least not as far as I could see, and there was no other way to look at it. Once he rode away his memories of me would begin to fade, until one day I would be gone entirely, replaced by whatever woman he banded next to laugh with and make love to. I loved him too much to do anything but wish him happiness with her, more happiness than he’d found with me. As for myself, I’d made that decision some time ago; all I wanted was the nothingness of the end of life and the end of pain. The loneliness seemed to hurt more than ever, more than it had before I learned what it was like to live without it.

I leaned back against the narrow tree with my eyes closed, my knees raised to support my elbows, my hands to my now-aching head, my body shuddering from the crying. Being all alone is not the same as being lonely, which you can be even if you’re not all alone. I suppose it’s easier to take if you’re big and strong, but I wasn’t big and strong and didn’t want to be. All I wanted was—

I heard the twig snap at the same time I felt the startlement of my seetar, and it was all I could do to keep from sending my mind out. Very few things are able to startle an animal as large as a seetar, and if one of those very few things was close by, I didn’t want to chase it away. I had come close to being killed by something once and it had been horrible, but the worst part had been touching its mind. If I made sure not to touch its mind it should all be over before I knew it, me getting what I wanted and a wild beast getting a good meal. I wanted that trade with everything in me, but I still began trembling when my seetar rumbled a warning and backed off just a little. It was coming closer, it had to be coming closer, and then it was

I couldn’t feel much of anything and I couldn’t move or open my eyes, but somehow I had come partly awake. It was strange to know that that was what being dead felt like, and then I became aware of someone speaking.

“ . . . lucky can you get?” an unfamiliar male voice was saying. “There we were, all ready to gas everyone in that palace to get her, and she practically stumbles into our laps.”

“We wouldn’t have known she was that close if I hadn’t checked the transponder you were supposed to be watching,” another male voice countered, sounding annoyed and shorttempered. “Did you at least remember to turn her off after giving her the gas?”

“Are you kidding?” the first voice demanded in outrage. “Of course I did. You don’t think I want an awakened Prime anywhere near me, do you? Even if we don’t bring her out of it before we get back to Central, I’m happier with this one turned off.”

“We’re not taking her back to Central,” the second voice said, this time sounding faintly distracted. “Our employers decided some time ago that they needed her in their special program, but that barbarian they loaned her to refused to give her back. Now we have her whether he likes it or not, and she goes straight to New Dawn.”

“What’s on New Dawn?” the first voice asked, full of curiosity but beginning to fade out just a little. “I thought it was a frontier world with nothing but savages.”

“It’s a frontier world with open spaces, savages—and the special-project breeding farm,” the second voice answered with a chuckle, also sounding a good deal fainter. “They raise the best of the male Primes there, and also give them the best of the females they want bred. She won’t be ready for it for a little while, but they’ll be after her as soon as they see her. I wouldn’t mind doing it to her myself.”

“Yeah, and me,” the first voice agreed, so low I could barely hear it, and then it all went away.