the Wedding (2000)

I've got some contracts with me I ought to read, she said unenthusiastically. They had faxed her a whole bunch of them that afternoon for Malachi O'Donovan's next tour. But she could always do them later. This seemed so much more important. It was as though she and Jeff Hamilton still had things to find out about each other, a story to tell, a mission to accomplish. Actually, I'd love something to eat. The hamburger you mentioned sounds fine.

He looked pleased, and hailed a cab. They got one instantly, and he gave the driver the address of Elaine's. While he had been living in New York and writing his first book, he had often gone there. And whenever he was back now, he liked to stop by, in memory of old times.

I was afraid you wouldn't want to go out, he admitted to her, looking handsome and boyish, his eyes bright, and with snowflakes in his hair. Going out with her meant a lot to him. He wanted to know more about her, her job, her life, the father he had met months before. He wondered why their paths had never crossed in L.A. It was as though they had had to come here to meet each other, and he was very glad they had, like two planets, finally colliding.

I don't go out very often, she explained when he said as much to her. I work all the time. My clients expect a lot from me. Too much, according to Brandon, who hated the extent of the service she gave them. But it was part of her, part of who she was, and she liked it.

I never go anywhere, he mused as they headed east in the cab. Most of the time, I write at night. I like living in Malibu. Sometimes I walk on the beach late at night. It clears the head. Where do you live? He was curious about her, and he hoped to see more of her, even before they left New York.

I live in Beverly Hills. I have a funny little house I bought when I came back from Yale. It's small, but it's perfect for me. It's got a great view, and a Japanese garden that's mostly rocks, so I can't kill anything. And when I have to, I just lock the door and leave. She smiled at him. Like now.

Do you travel much? he asked, and she shook her head.

I try to be there as much as I can for my clients. Except when I need to be with them somewhere else. Two of my current clients are musicians. Sometimes I meet them on their concert tours here and there for a day or two. But mostly I'm in L.A. She had already promised Bram Morrison that she would try to fly in to see him on his tour. And if Mai O'Donovan wanted her to, she'd do it for him as well. They were both long, arduous tours, and she'd be traveling halfway around the world to hold their hands from Bangkok to the Philippines to Paris.

Would I know any of them? he asked, intrigued again. She spoke of them as though they were sacred people she had vowed to protect from harm, and in some ways, she had.

Some.

Are you allowed to say who they are? he asked, as he paid the fare and they walked into Elaine's. It was crowded and loud, but the maitre d' recognized him immediately and signaled that they'd have a table for him in a few minutes. So who are these clients you're so devoted to? The way he said it made her feel as though he understood how she felt about them. And that didn't surprise him about her. It was a far cry from Brandon taking her to task for every spare moment she gave her clients.

You probably know most of them, and quite a few of them are pretty open about who their lawyers are. I can tell you those. Bram Morrison, and Malachi O'Donovan is a client now. Carmen Connors, Alan Carr off and on. To name a few. She was proud of them, like a mother hen, and as Jeff watched her, he understood something about her, and about how loyal and protective she was, and he admired that part too.

Are you saying that they are represented by your firm, or those are personally some of your clients? The names seemed too important for someone as young as she was. She looked about twenty-five. But she laughed at his question, and he realized that he loved it when she laughed.

No, those are my clients, specifically, she explained. There are others too, of course, but I'm not free to disclose those names. I think Bram would tell anyone who his doctor was, and Mai is pretty free about it as well. And Carmen tells the newspapers who represents her all the time. She looked very matter-of-fact as she mentioned their names. They were the people who filled her life.

My God, that's quite a group, Allegra. You should be very proud of yourself, he said admiringly. How long have you been with the firm? Maybe she was a lot older than she looked, he mused, but she laughed, reading his mind.

Four years. I'm twenty-nine. Thirty pretty soon, much too soon for me, she complained, and he smiled at her.

I'm thirty-four, and you make me feel like I've been asleep for the last ten years. That's quite a load you're juggling, and they can't be easy people to represent.

Some of them are, she said, always anxious to be fair. And don't be ridiculous, you've written two books and you're about to start a third, and you're writing a screenplay, and coproducing a movie. What have I done? Nothing but represent a bunch of talented people, people like you. I write their contracts, I negotiate for them, I do their trusts and wills. I protect them whenever I get the chance. I suppose that's creative in a way, but let's be honest here, nothing like what you do. So don't feel sorry for yourself, she chided him. The truth was they were both accomplished people and they both loved what they did.

Maybe I need your services, he said thoughtfully, thinking of his last conversation with Andreas Weissman only that morning. If I'm going to sell another book to Hollywood, I should have an entertainment lawyer look at the contracts, at least.

What did you do last time? she inquired, curious about what Weissman did for him.

Andreas handled it all from here. It was pretty straightforward, and I can't say I got screwed. The deal was for me to get a fixed amount to write the screenplay, and I'll get a percentage of the gross, if the movie makes it. Since I'm producing it with a friend, I didn't want to get too aggressive. I did it more for the experience than the money. I seem to make that mistake a lot, he grinned, but he didn't look as though he was starving. The suit he was wearing was expensive. If I do this again, he went on, I want to get more out of it economically, and give up a lot less of my life to do it.

I'd be happy to look at the contracts for you anytime. She smiled, and he looked as though he liked that idea. A lot, actually.

I'd like that very much. Jeff smiled at her, wondering why Andreas had never mentioned her, or offered to introduce them. In fact, it had never occurred to Andreas that his prot+¬g+¬, his young star writer, would take a shine to the beautiful blond attorney from L.A.

They sat at a back table at Elaine's and talked for hours, about Harvard and Yale, and his two years at Oxford. He had hated it at first, and eventually came to love it. His father had died while he was there, and he had started writing seriously after that. He talked about his mother's disappointment in him for not becoming an attorney like his father, or better yet, a doctor like her own.

He described her as very strong, and very much a Puritan and a Yankee. She had definite ideas about work ethics and responsibility. And she still felt that writing wasn't a serious job for a man.

My mother's a writer, Allegra explained, talking about her parents again, surprised at how much she suddenly wanted to share with Jeff. There was so much to talk about, so much she wanted to tell him. It was as though she had waited all her life for him to be her friend. He was so totally in tune with what she felt and what she thought. He was so understanding. Neither of them could believe it was one o'clock in the morning the next time they looked up. I love the way the law works, she'd been saying to him, the sheer logic of it, and the satisfaction of solving problems. It drives me to distraction sometimes she smiled across the table at him, unaware that they were holding hands but it's really what I love most. There was fire in her eyes as she said it, and he loved looking at her. He couldn't remember feeling that way about anyone on the first date in his entire lifetime.

What else do you love, Allegra? he asked gently. Dogs? Kids? The usual?

All of that, I guess. My family. They mean everything to me. He was an only child and he envied the stories she told about Sam and Scott and her parents. He envied her in many ways. His own family life had dissipated after his father died, and his mother was not a warm person. But it was easy to see that Simon Steinberg was a warm, loving man. You'll have to come and meet them sometime, Allegra said kindly. And Alan, he's my oldest friend. Alan Carr. She wanted to introduce him to everyone, like a little kid with a new best friend.

Oh, no. Like everyone, he reacted immediately to the name. It was impossible not to. He's your oldest friend? I don't believe you, he teased.

He was my high school sweetheart, sophomore year. We've been best friends ever since. It was odd how easily Jeff seemed to fit into all of it he liked hearing about her work, her family, her friends. It was all so unlike her exchanges with Brandon, and yet she knew that comparing Brandon to a stranger wasn't fair. She knew nothing of Jeff's quirks, his foibles and failures. And yet she was so comfortable with him. It was very odd. And he loved her directness and total lack of pretension. She was the kind of woman he had always admired, and he hadn't met anyone like her in a long time. But as he looked at her, as the evening drew to a close, Jeff knew there was an important question he hadn't asked her. At first, he had told himself he didn't want to know, but he realized now that he should ask her.

Is there a man in your life, Allegra? A serious one, I mean. Other than Alan Carr. He smiled, trembling slightly in anticipation of her answer.

She hesitated for a long time, not completely sure what to say. He had a right to know. Or did he? They had spent a lot of hours talking to each other. They were obviously powerfully attracted, but there was no denying that Brandon was an important factor in her life, and she knew she ought to tell Jeff about him.

There is, she said sadly, looking into Jeff's eyes.

I was afraid of that. I'm not really surprised, only regretful. He didn't look as though he were about to run out the door into the night. Are you happy with him? That was an important question. If she was, he was out. He was willing to fight for what he wanted, but he wasn't stupid or crazy, or anxious to get hurt.

Sometimes I am, she said fairly.

And when you're not happy with him, why is that? he asked her very gently, anxious to know if there was still a chance for him. If not, it hadn't been time wasted. He would always be glad they had met. He had thoroughly enjoyed her.

He's had a difficult time, Allegra explained, always anxious to make excuses for him, and surprised at how often she had to. He's going through some rough times. He's getting divorced. Or actually, she went on, as Jeff watched her. And there was something about the way she looked and what she said that didn't match up for him. Actually, he's separated. He hasn't filed yet. She didn't know why she told Jeff that, but it was part of the story, and at the way she said it, he looked up at her with a question.

How long has it been? It was as though he knew this was the key to the story; she had thrown it to him, and he had picked it up and now he was examining it carefully.

It's been two years, she said quietly.

Does that bother you?

Sometimes. Though not as much as it seems to bother everyone else. They've been arguing over property for two years. Actually, what bothers me is that there are still some things in the relationship that need to be worked out.

Like what?

He still needs to keep his distance, she said honestly. He's afraid to make a commitment, which is probably why he hasn't filed for divorce. If you get too close to him, in small, subtle ways, he backs off. He says he was traumatized by being forced into marriage the first time, and I understand that, but somehow I don't understand why, after all this time, I should still pay for it. It's not my fault.

I lived with a woman like that once, Jeff said quietly, remembering a writer in Vermont who had made him desperately unhappy. I've never been so lonely in my life.

I know, Allegra said softly, not wanting to betray Brandon to Jeff. She loved him. She wanted to marry him. And it didn't seem fair to talk about him to someone else. And yet, she knew she had to. She needed to tell Jeff what her relationship with Brandon was all about. She felt as though she owed it to him, even though she had only met him that night.

Does he have kids?

Two. Two girls. He's very close to them, and they're adorable. Nine and eleven. He spends a lot of time with them in San Francisco.

And you go too?

When I can. I work a lot of weekends, depending on what's happening with my clients, who's having death threats, doing a film, making a new deal, going on tour. They kept her busy, but he was sure that Brandon's frequent absences contributed to her loneliness too.

You don't mind him going alone?

I can't help it if I can't go. He has a right to see his children. She sounded defensive, but he was more intrigued by what he was hearing. He suspected she wasn't happy with this man, but she wouldn't even admit it to herself yet.

You're not worried about his hanging on to his wife for that long? he asked her openly, and she frowned.

You sound just like my sister.

What does your family think?

They're not crazy about him, she answered with a sigh, and he was beginning to like what he was hearing. She may have been in love with him at one point, but it was by no means a done deal. Not with a girl like this one. She deserved so much more than this, and her family's approval counted for a lot with her. It was easy for anyone to see that. I don't think they understand, Allegra complained. After everything he went through, Brandon has a problem with commitment. That doesn't mean he doesn't care. It just means he can't give what everyone else expects him to.

What about you? What do you expect? he asked her gently.

What my parents have, she said, without thinking. That kind of warmth and love for each other and their kids.

Do you think he'll give you that? Jeff asked, taking her hand in his again, and she didn't take it away. He reminded her of a number of people she loved, her father, Scott, even Alan. But not Brandon. Brandon was cool, and removed, and afraid to be forced to give. Jeff seemed willing to give openly. He didn't seem to hold back. He wasn't afraid of her, or of what she might feel, or even of what he might feel if he got to know her. He seemed so willing to stand next to her, to be intimate, she could hear the words ring in her head as she thought of Dr. Green, and she smiled at Jeff for no reason. But he repeated his question. Do you think Brandon will give you what you want, Allegra? That was important for him to know.

I don't know, she said honestly. I think he'll try. Or would he? How hard had he really tried so far?

How long are you willing to give it? he asked, and she was startled by his question. Dr. Green had asked her that as well, and she'd never been able to answer.

But she wanted Jeff to know how she felt. She didn't want to mislead him. I love him, Jeff. It may not be perfect, but I accept him the way he is. I've waited for two years, and I can wait longer if I have to.

You may have to wait a long time, he said thoughtfully as they left the restaurant. It was easy to see that the relationship was troubled, but equally so to see that Allegra wasn't ready to let go yet. But Jeff was a patient man and he wondered if their paths had crossed for a reason. And as they waited for a cab in the snow, he put an arm around her and held her close.

What about you? she asked, as they waited in the cold, side by side, stamping their feet in the snow. Who is there in your life?

My cleaning lady, Guadaloupe, my dentist in Santa Monica, and my typist, Rosie, he said, and she smiled.

They sound like a good group. She looked up at him, amused at the descriptions. And that's it? No gorgeous young starlet, hanging from your every word, watching you type by candlelight, and waiting for you to finish work?

Not lately. He smiled again. There had been serious women in his life, and two he'd lived with. But no one in a long time. The only hurdle they had to overcome was Brandon, and Jeff wasn't quite sure how to do that.

A cab came by finally and they got in, relieved that it was cozy and warm. He gave the driver the address of the Regency, and as they took off, he pulled her closer, and neither of them spoke as they rode along and watched the snow swirl around them.

The ride to the hotel was too brief, and they were both sorry when they reached it. But it was so late by then that even the bar was closed. It was just after two o'clock, and she didn't want to invite him to her room, and give him the wrong impression, so they said good-bye downstairs in the lobby.

I had a great time, Jeff, she said wistfully. Thank you for a wonderful evening.

I had a good time too. For the first time in my life, I really feel as though I owe something to Andreas Weissman. They both laughed when he walked her to the elevator. How does the rest of your week look? he asked hopefully, and she shook her head with a look of disappointment.

Pretty busy. For the next four days she had lunches and meetings. She had to work on Bram's concert tour and see Jason Haverton again. The only free time she had was in the evening, but at night she'd been planning to work.

How about tomorrow night? he asked hopefully, and she hesitated. She really shouldn't.

I've got meetings at a law firm on Wall Street till five, and a drink with an attorney here after that. I don't think I'll even be free till seven, she said regretfully. She wanted to see him again, but she wasn't sure if she should because of Brandon either. But on the other hand, she told herself, there was no reason why they couldn't be friends.

Why don't I call you? See how tired you are. Maybe we could just eat something here, or go for a walk. I'd really like to see you, he said, looking at her, and she felt his meaning somewhere deep in her soul. He was asking, and he was definite, but he wasn't pushing.

You don't think it would be confusing, Jeff? she asked softly. She didn't want to be unfair to anyone, not to him, or Brandon, or herself.

It doesn't have to be, as long as we know where things stand, he said honestly. I won't press you. But I'd still like to see you again.

So would I, she nodded, and then the elevator came and they said good night.

I'll call you tomorrow at seven, he reminded her with a wave as the doors closed, and as she rode upstairs, all she could think about was Jeff. She wondered if she had been unfaithful to Brandon, just being with him, and talking about the things they had. She wouldn't have liked it if Brandon went out to dinner with another woman, and yet there had been something so seemingly predestined about this night. It was as though she had been meant to meet him, as though she needed him in her life, and they were meant to be friends. He understood so much of what she was saying, everything in fact, and she sensed what he thought too, almost before he said it.

She let herself into her room, still feeling faintly guilty, and there was a message from Brandon under the door, which seemed like a reminder of real life. She thought about calling him, and hesitated because of the hour, but it was only eleven-fifteen in San Francisco, and then, finally, she took off her coat, sat down, and dialed him. He answered on the second ring. He was working on his material for the trial the next day, and he sounded surprised that she was calling so late. But he seemed glad to hear her.

Where were you tonight? He sounded more curious than angry.

I was at the home of Haverton's agent. It broke up very late. In New York these literary types go all night. It was a lie, but she didn't want to tell him she'd gone to Elaine's, and have to explain to him who Jeff was. She'd been honest with Jeff, and told him that she was seriously involved. That was all that was important, and all that she owed Brandon. Nothing had happened. She didn't have to tell him about Jeff.

Are you having a good time? he inquired with a yawn. He had been working for hours on the trial.

How's it going?

Very slowly. We're just starting to pick the jury. I wish the guy would just plead so we could all go home. He hadn't liked this case right from the beginning.

How long do you think it'll take if he doesn't?

A couple of weeks, max. That's long enough. They were covering a vast amount of material and Brandon was using three assistants. It was white-collar crime at its most complicated.

I'll be home before you finish, at least.

I'll probably have to work this weekend, he said, matter-of-factly, but she had expected that. She'd have to go into the office Saturday anyway to catch up, and maybe she could talk him into relaxing a little on Sunday.

Don't worry about it. I'll be home Friday night. She was booked on a six o'clock flight, and she'd be home by ten California time. Maybe she'd even go to his place and surprise him.

I'll catch up with you sometime over the weekend, he said coolly, and it reminded her of her conversation with Jeff as they left Elaine's. She hated it when Brandon made a point of keeping her at a distance. I'll call you tomorrow night, he said mechanically. Will you be in this time?

I have a business dinner actually, she lied for the second time. Why don't I call you when I get back? I don't think it'll be late. She couldn't stay out till two every night, or she'd be too exhausted to work, and she was sure that Jeff understood that. Tonight had been a rare thing, one of those unusual meetings of the soul where two people discover that they have a million feelings and ideas in common. But it couldn't go on night after night.

Don't work too hard, Brandon said briefly, and hung up, telling her he had to go back to work on his trial. There had been no I love you. ‘ I miss you. No promise to meet her at the airport or at home when she got back. It reminded her all over again of how tenuous their situation was, and yet, in spite of that, she always hung on, because she loved him. What was she waiting for? she asked herself. What did she think was going to change? As Jeff had said, she might have to wait for a long, long time. Maybe forever.

She walked slowly into the bedroom, thinking of Brandon, and the good times they'd had. There had been a lot of them in two years, but what she didn't let herself think about were the disappointments, like tonight. There had been plenty of those, moments when he couldn't be there for her, in soul or body. Moments when he didn't say the words she needed to hear, or when he didn't come to the events that mattered to her, like the Golden Globes. She wondered if she was thinking of them now because she was angry, or because she had met Jeff and she wanted him to be right for her, and Brandon wrong. Did she want him to be everything Brandon wasn't? Was he a fantasy, and was she only imagining their similarities? She stood there, with none of the answers, thinking of both of them, as she looked out the window.

Chapter 6

On Tuesday, when Allegra got up when the alarm rang at eight o'clock, New York was covered with a blanket of snow. It looked like mounds of whipped cream sitting on Park Avenue, and there were already children leaping and sliding, and throwing snowballs at each other as they walked to school. From her vantage point far above, it looked like fun, and she wished she could be there with them.

She spent the day in meetings, and just to be sure she was all right, she called Carmen Connors.

The housekeeper was out, the answering machine was on, and Allegra could only assume that she was either shopping or out of town. She left a message for her, hoping that everything was fine, and called Alice to make sure there had been no messages from her, no further threats, or problems.

Not a sound since you left. In fact, all of her clients had been quiet. Mai O'Donovan had left a message that he was drying out again, and Alan had left a message for her to call him when she got back to town, but not before. And other than that, everything was in order. How's New York? Alice asked.

Very white, Allegra responded.

Not for long. It would all be black, and slush by the next morning, but it was pretty in the meantime.

Allegra had lunch with an attorney she'd been corresponding with for a year, at the World Trade Center, and she spent the rest of the afternoon with Bram's promoters, and two more lawyers. After that, she hurried back to the hotel for a meeting with another lawyer. It was about a licensing agreement for Carmen. Someone wanted to do a perfume and use her name, but Allegra was not enthused about it. The product was not high-end, and Carmen had no intention of sitting around department stores, selling perfume. The more Allegra heard about it, the less she liked it. And at six-thirty, she was back in her room, exhausted. It was snowing again, and traffic had been a nightmare all day. It had taken her an hour to get back from Wall Street for her meeting at the hotel. And the prospect of going anywhere in the mess outside sounded dreadful. Cabs were honking, cars were sliding, and pedestrians were wading through snow and slush, and now the snow was starting again. The only place it might have been pretty was Central Park, but on the streets of New York it was a nightmare.

She went through her messages and made notes. Carmen had not returned her call, but Alice had checked with the police and the FBI and security, and there had been no further threats or problems. Everything was in control. There was a message from Bram wanting to know her impression of the promoters she'd seen, and she had been pleased with them, and there were several faxes from the office, none of them important. The phone rang as she was sifting through her messages, and she picked it up without thinking.

Steinberg, she said distractedly, and then realized what she'd done, but the response at the other end was instant.

Hamilton. How was your day? Sounds busy.

Busy enough. I spent most of it battling traffic.

Are you still working? He hadn't wanted to bother her, but he wanted to hear the sound of her voice, even if she was busy. He had waited all day to hear it, and she was smiling, listening to him. He had a deep, smooth voice that sounded incredibly sexy as she sat in her hotel room.

Not really. I was just going through my messages and faxes. It all looks pretty tame actually. How was your day?

Pretty good. Weissman did a good job negotiating the new contract.

For the movie, or the book? I'm confused, you've got too many projects.

Look who's talking. He laughed. Book number three. I'll let you negotiate the movie. Actually, I talked to him about that. He thought it was an excellent idea. He said he never suggested it before because he figured I'd be out of the movie business in no time. He thought I'd hate it, and he wasn't wrong, but it looks like I might try it again, once at least. He says you're a terrific lawyer, but I shouldn't bother you unless I mean it. He says you're very busy, and you have a lot of very important clients. They both laughed at Andreas' warning.

I'm impressed. She laughed, amused by what he'd said about her clients.

So am I, Miss Steinberg. Now how about some dinner? Do you still have the strength to eat, after making all those important deals today?

I didn't make a single important deal, I'll have you know. I talked to attorneys and music promoters all afternoon, and this evening I turned down a perfume for Carmen.

At least it's fun. How were the music guys? Pretty sleazy?

Probably, but they were smart actually. I liked them. They have an incredible tour planned for Bram. If he's up to it physically, I think he should do it. He liked hearing about what she did. He liked her voice, her ideas, her interests. He had thought about her all day, he couldn't stop thinking about her in fact, and he liked everything about her. It was crazy. He scarcely knew her and suddenly she was all he could think about. And she had to admit that all through her meetings that afternoon, the thought of Jeff had made her smile, and she was constantly distracted.

You're bad for my business life, Mr. Hamilton. These people in New York are going to think I'm a drug casualty from the West Coast. I kept forgetting what they were saying, and thinking of things you said last night. This is no way to do business.

No, but it's kind of a good feeling, isn't it? he said honestly, and they both smiled. He wanted to ask her if she'd heard from Brandon, but he didn't. Instead he asked her if she'd brought warm clothes with her, some slacks, and a wool hat, and mittens.

Why? She couldn't imagine why he was asking, unless he was just concerned that she was warm enough, but he seemed to have something else in mind. He'd been planning it all afternoon, and he just hoped she had the right clothes with her. I've got wool slacks, I wore them today, and a wool hat I brought, but it's pretty ugly.

No mittens? he asked solicitously.

Not in about twenty years. She had even forgotten to bring gloves, and her hands had been frozen all day as a result every time she left a building.

I'll bring you a pair of my mother's. Are you up for something a little offbeat, or do you want to do something fancy? He was assuming she was still willing to have dinner with him, and she was. She'd been looking forward to it all day, and she'd been telling herself it was all right, and there was no harm in it, in spite of Brandon.

We don't need to do anything fancy, she said quietly. She had enough fancy doings in her life, when she went out with her clients or to award ceremonies or Hollywood dinners. She liked simple evenings. What did you have in mind? she asked, both excited and suspicious.

You'll see. Dress warm, wear slacks and boots and your ugly warm hat, and I'll meet you in the lobby in half an hour.

Is this ominous? Should I be worried? Are you spiriting me away to Connecticut or Vermont or something outrageous? She felt like a kid going on senior sneak, or with a bunch of friends from college.

No, but actually, I'd love to spirit you away somewhere. I didn't realize that was an option. He chuckled, intrigued by the suggestion.

It isn't. I've got work to do here tomorrow.

I figured that. Not to worry, nothing ominous. Just a little simple fun, New York style. See you in half an hour. He hurried her off the phone, and she finished reading her messages, and even thought about calling Brandon, to get it over with, but she doubted he'd be home yet, or even back in his office. It was only four-thirty in California. And she felt mean thinking that calling him was something that had to be gotten over with, like taking medicine. It was odd suddenly feeling this way, but she felt faintly guilty about Jeff, although they certainly hadn't done anything to feel guilty about, and she was sure they wouldn't.

She was in the lobby right on time, in her slacks and her warm coat, and her old red ski hat. And she saw as she looked through the revolving door that it was still snowing. People were walking into the lobby and stamping their feet to get the snow off them, dusting their hair and brushing off their hats, as they stood laughing at each other, with snowflakes on their lashes. It was fun watching them, and as she looked outside, she saw a hansom carriage pull up, an enclosed old-fashioned one, like an old English carriage. It had windows and a roof, and the driver wore a top hat, and it looked wonderfully cozy. It stopped in front of the hotel, and the driver got down, as the doorman helped him hold the horses, and someone got out, and hurried inside. And as soon as he came through the revolving door, she saw that it was Jeff, wearing a ski hat much like her own and a heavy parka.

Your chariot awaits, he said, beaming at her, his eyes bright, his cheeks red from the cold, as he tucked her hand into his arm and handed her a pair of white angora mittens. Put them on, it's freezing outside.

You're incredible, she said, looking up at him in amazement. He'd brought the hansom carriage for her, and he helped her into it, and closed the door, and then settled a heavy fur blanket around her. The driver already had his instructions. I can't believe this. She was beaming at him, and very touched. She felt like a kid on her first date, as she sat next to him, snuggled under the fur blanket as he put an arm around her.

I took your suggestion, we're going to Vermont. We should be there by next Tuesday. I hope that doesn't screw up any of your appointments, he said delightedly.

Not at all. Sitting there next to him, she felt as though she would have done anything he wanted.

They headed slowly toward the park, and she put on the white angora mittens while he helped her. They were cozy and warm, and his mother's hands were about the same size as her own. She looked up at him then, and their eyes met. He was a nice man, and he had really spoiled her.

This is wonderful, Jeff. Thank you.

Don't be silly, he said, embarrassed. I thought we should do something a little special, since it was snowing.

They provided even more confusion to the already strangled traffic, and then finally reached the park, at Central Park South, and then headed north for a few blocks, until they reached Wollman skating rink, and the carriage stopped, as she looked out into the darkness.

Where are we? she asked, faintly nervous. But it was so cold and blustery that even the muggers couldn't have been around. The door opened and the driver helped them out, as Jeff looked at her with pleasure.

Can you skate?

More or less. I haven't since Yale, and I'm no Peggy Fleming.

Want to give it a try? She laughed at the thought, but it sounded like so much fun, she couldn't resist, and nodded.

I'd love it.

They hurried toward the rink arm in arm, and the carriage waited for them. Jeff had paid for it till midnight. He rented skates for both of them, and he helped her lace hers up, and then gave her a hand as she slid onto the ice tenuously, but she got her footing fairly quickly. And Jeff was a beautiful skater, he had been on the hockey team at Harvard. He took a quick turn just to warm up, and then came back to her, and stayed with her, and halfway into the session, she was skating pretty smoothly. It was still snowing and there was hardly anyone on the ice. They ate hot dogs to give them energy, and had three rounds of hot chocolate. She had a great time, and they were laughing and teasing like old friends by the end of the session. For her, it was a lot like being with Alan, only just a little better.

I can't remember when I've had so much fun, she told him when they finally sat down for a rest because her ankles were getting tired.

I go in L.A. once in a while, but the rinks in California are pretty crummy. I went skiing in Tahoe last year, and the rink is even pretty small there. It's definitely not a western sport. It's too bad. I still enjoy it.

So do I. She looked up at him happily. He looked like what her sister Sam would have called a hunk as he stood there, tall and virile and athletic, and his eyes always seemed to be laughing. I'd forgotten how much fun this is, she said happily, thanking him again, and a few minutes later he bought her a pretzel and a cup of hot coffee. It wasn't really that cold, the wind had died down, but the snow was still fairly heavy.

The city is going to be crippled tomorrow if this keeps up. Maybe all your appointments will get canceled, he said hopefully, and she laughed, thinking of it. She was meeting with Jason Haverton again, and she told Jeff about him.

I really like him. He must have been a terror in his youth, but he's a nice man, so interesting and literate, and he's as sharp as ever. She really admired him, and had enjoyed their meeting. It's funny, things seem so much more civilized here than in California. There really is a literary world, full of ladies and gentlemen, and erudite people who behave properly and observe the traditions. But there, everyone is still a little rough around the edges. I forget it sometimes, but then you come back here and are reminded again. In California, a man like Jason Haverton couldn't exist, he'd be buffeted by the newspapers, and the tabloids would make insinuations that he was having an affair with a geriatric nurse, and he'd be getting death threats.

Actually, you know, Allegra, for an old guy, it might put a little excitement in his life. He might like that.

I'm serious, she said. They were skating again, and he was holding her tightly, under the pretext of keeping her from falling. She didn't object, she liked it. It's a different world, Jeff.

I know it is, he said more seriously. It must be rough on some of your clients to live so publicly with fear of death threats and constant harassment of them and their families.

It'll happen to you one day, it happens to everyone who makes some money and has celebrity status. It's almost automatic. You make money, you get well-known, and someone wants to kill you. It's sick. Like the Wild West. Bang, it's all over. And the tabloids aren't much fun either. They invent any lie they think will sell papers for them, and they don't give a damn who they hurt in the process.

You must deal with that crap all the time with the kind of clients you have. Can you do anything about it to protect them?

Pathetically little. I learned from my parents years ago that you have to keep a low profile, lead a clean life, and learn to ignore it. But they go after you anyway. They used to try to take pictures of us when we were kids, but my father was a real lion about that. He never let them. And he got restraining orders when he had to, to protect us. But things are a lot looser now. They have to try and kill you twice before you can get any protection. We actually had a scare on Carmen right before I left, but I talked to the police and the FBI today, and everything seems to have settled down. It scares her to death, poor thing. She calls me at four o'clock in the morning sometimes just because she heard a noise and she's frightened.

You must get a lot of sleep, he said, teasing her, and she laughed. She didn't mention that Brandon hated it and complained constantly about the intrusions from her clients. It seemed unfair to complain about him to Jeff, and she didn't want to encourage Jeff unfairly, by sounding too unhappy with Brandon. They were still very much together. And by the following week, Jeff would be back in L.A., and she wouldn't be able to see him for evenings like this. Maybe they could have lunch sometime. She had already given it a lot of thought. She could introduce him to Alan, or even her parents. She knew Blaire would love him, and Simon had already met him. It was very strange thinking about him, as if she were taking him home to meet her parents.

What were you thinking just then? Jeff asked as he watched her face. She had such expressive eyes, and she'd been frowning. And she hesitated before she answered.

I was thinking that I'd like to introduce you to my family, and it seemed strange somehow. I was trying to justify it to myself.

Do you have to, Allegra? he said gently.

I don't know, she answered. Do I? He didn't answer her. They were standing at the far end of the skating rink, leaning against the railing for a few minutes. And as he stood there, looking down at her, with the snow falling on both of them, he simply moved closer to her and kissed her. She was so startled, she didn't move away, she just held on to him so she wouldn't fall, and then she kissed him back, as he pressed closer and closer against her. And when they finally stopped, they were both breathless.

Oh ‘ Jeff ‘ she said softly, stunned by what they'd done. She felt like a kid again, and at the same time, very much a woman.

Allegra, he whispered her name, and pulled her into his arms again, and she didn't fight him. And then, finally, they stopped kissing and skated again, and neither of them said a word for a few minutes. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to apologize for that, he said seriously, looking at her as they skated, but I don't really want to.

You don't have to, she said quietly. I kissed you too.

And then he looked at her squarely. Do you feel guilty about Brandon? He wanted to know what she felt. He was falling in love with her, he was completely taken with her, her ideas, her principles, her dreams, not to mention her beauty. He wanted to be with her and hold her and kiss her, and make love to her, and to hell with Brandon.

I don't know, she answered his question as honestly as she could. I'm not sure what I feel. I know I'm supposed to feel guilty about him. I want to marry him. I have for two years. But he's so rigid, Jeff. He refuses to give anything more than what he wants, and everything he does is measured and limited, and restricted.

Why do you want to marry someone like that, for heaven's sake? Jeff asked her, sounding irritated as they stopped skating again. The session was almost over, and the already sparse crowd was thinning.

I don't know why, she said plaintively, tired of explaining it to everyone, and trying to justify it, even to herself. Maybe because I've been there for this long, or because I think he needs me. I think I'd be good for him. He needs to learn to give, to loosen up, to not be so afraid to love and commit’ . Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at Jeff, it all sounded so stupid now, in the face of Jeff's generosity of spirit.

And if he doesn't learn to do those things, what'll you have? What kind of marriage would that be? Probably the same kind he had with his ex-wife, lousy. Maybe he'd always resent you for trying to force him to give something that's not in him. It sounds like that's what bothered him about the first one, and yet he hasn't even divorced her. How long is that going to go on? Two more years? Five? Ten? Why are you doing this to yourself? It's like you're punishing yourself. You deserve so much more than that, don't you see that? It was what her own mother had said, but Jeff's voice was clearer.

And what if you turn out to be just like him? she said sadly, voicing her worst fear, her greatest terror. In the end, they all turned out to be like Brandon, but that was how she chose them.

Do I remind you of him now? he asked, and she laughed through her tears.

No, you remind me of my father. Simon Steinberg.

I take that as a real compliment, Jeff said sincerely.

It is, and I mean it. You remind me a little bit of my brother, and Alan too, she said, smiling wistfully at him, thinking of all the good men in her life, and not the ones frozen in their inability to give, like Brandon, and the men who had come before him.

Have you ever tried talking to someone about this? he asked naively, and she laughed.

Ah, yes, the great western sport of therapy. And for how many years can you play it? I've been doing it for four. I see my therapist on Thursdays, she said matter-of-factly.

And what does he or she say ‘ or would you rather not discuss it? he asked hesitantly. He was puzzled by why she was hanging on to someone who was obviously giving her so little. Even she seemed to see it, although Jeff noticed that she defended him a lot, and she seemed used to doing it, so others must have told her the same thing before him.

No, I'm used to discussing it, she said openly as they skated around the rink again. She says it's an old problem, and it is. I pick men who are constitutionally unable to love me, or anyone. But I think Brandon is better than the earlier models. Jeff didn't know what they'd been like, but he wasn't impressed by what he'd heard of Brandon. At least he's trying.

How can you tell? Jeff said almost meanly. What is it that he does for you?

He loves me, she said stubbornly. He may be uptight and repressed, but behind all that, I think he'd be there for me if I needed him. She always told herself that, but he'd never had to prove it.

Are you sure of that, Allegra? Jeff asked her pointedly. Think about it. When was the last time he was there for you? I hardly know you, and I already think he's going to let you down badly one of these days. He can't even divorce his ex-wife. What's he saving her for? But she looked so unhappy when he asked her that, that Jeff decided to drop it. I'm sorry, he said apologetically. I'm probably just jealous. I have no right to say those things. It just seems so unfair. It's so hard to meet anyone you really care about, and suddenly there you are, with Brandon standing next to you, like a trail of tin cans on a cat's tail. I guess I'd like to get rid of him and simplify the situation. She laughed at the analogy, and she understood the implications.

I understand, she said, and he had hit some nerves in her, but she didn't admit it to him. She'd been with Brandon for two years, and she wasn't about to break up with him because he didn't go to the Golden Globes, or because he didn't tell her he loved her on the phone, or because he liked to go back to his own apartment after he made love to her, or because she had met a handsome, appealing writer in New York. You didn't throw your whole life out the window because someone took you skating. But there was also no denying how much Jeff appealed to her. He had knocked her right off her feet, and she knew it. But that had nothing to do with Brandon.

They skated arm in arm until the end of the session, then returned their skates, and she was still quiet when they got back in the carriage. Jeff was sorry he had blown off steam, and he invited her up to his mother's apartment for a drink, but she thought she should go back to the hotel. It was already late and she had to get up early in the morning.

I promise I'll behave. I shouldn't have said all those things about him, Allegra. I'm sorry.

I'm nattered. She smiled at him. And I'd love to have a rain check for the drink. I've got to get up early tomorrow morning. And with that, she settled back against the seat, in his arms, and he sat there thinking that he'd like to be getting up with her in the morning. But he didn't say anything as they rolled along, listening to the sound of the horse's feet and watching it snow out the window.

It's pretty, isn't it? he said gently, and she nodded, and smiled up at him.

I loved the skating. Thank you, Jeff. It had been so much more fun than a fancy French dinner. She loved every moment she spent with him, even when he hassled her about Brandon. And no matter how much it irritated her, she understood perfectly why he did it. Brandon certainly left himself wide open to criticism, but she wasn't thinking about Brandon now. She was thinking about Jeff as they rolled through the park toward the Plaza.

You're a pretty good skater, he praised her, and she laughed easily. But you're a truly great kisser. She giggled in answer.

So are you, and a good sport. They started chatting again then, and by the time they left the park, they were laughing and talking and at ease with each other. When they reached her hotel, the driver helped them down, Jeff paid and tipped the driver handsomely, and then the horse and buggy left them. I feel like Cinderella, she said, as she watched them go in the snow, down Park Avenue, and handed him the angora mittens, as he chuckled.

Now what? We both turn into pumpkins? he asked, amused, and happier than he'd been in ages. He thought Allegra was terrific.

It was so much fun. I loved it. It had been perfect with the snow, and the skating. And as she looked up at him, and thought of kissing him, she felt a twinge of desire for him deep in the pit of her stomach. He walked her inside, and waited for the elevator with her, and then he surprised her by stepping into it with her. Much to her own astonishment, she didn't object, and they stood side by side, very quietly, and got out on the fourteenth floor. He followed her to her room and she took the key out of her pocket. She didn't invite him in, she just stood there looking at him, feeling wistful. She wished that things were different than they were, that Brandon hadn't been in her life for two years, but he had, and there was no point changing that now for a romantic night in the snow, with a stranger.

I'll leave you here, he said quietly, looking as troubled as she was. He didn't want to bang his head against a brick wall either. But he couldn't seem to let her go, nor believe that she wanted what she had, or didn't have, with Brandon.

He was about to say good night to her, and he had no intention of pressing her any further, when she took a single step toward him, and he couldn't help himself. He pulled her into his arms, and kissed her, holding her so tight she almost couldn't breathe, but she loved it. She felt safe and protected and desired, and there was no question of how badly he wanted her, and she knew that if she ever spent the night with him, he would never want to leave before morning.

She kissed him again and again, wanting him as badly as he wanted her, and then she pulled away and shook her head sadly. I can't do this, Jeff. There were tears in her eyes when she looked at him, and he nodded.

I know that. I wouldn't even want you to right now. You'd hate me afterward. Why don't we just let it be like this for a while? Kind of an old-fashioned romance, some hugging and kissing, and just being there, or maybe just friends, if that's what you want. I'll do whatever you want, he said gently. I'm not going anywhere, don't feel pressured.

I don't know what I feel, she said honestly. I'm so confused. She raised her eyes to his, and she looked truly tormented. I want you. ‘ I want him. ‘ I want him to be what he never has been, but I think he could be ‘ and why do I care? Why am I doing that? ‘ and I don't understand what I'm doing here. I feel like I'm falling in love with you. Is this real? Just a New York fling? I don't know what the hell's going on, she said, stumbling over her own words, as he smiled lovingly at her, and then kissed her again, and she didn't stop him. She loved kissing him, loved being in his arms, loved being with him, sitting in hansom cabs, and skating. What happens when we go back? she asked, as they both leaned against the wall outside her room. She didn't dare take him inside, she was sure they'd end up in bed in the first five minutes. And that wouldn't be fair to anyone, though it was very appealing. Or could he live up to what her life was really like? That was an interesting question. This is all very romantic. But what would happen when I have to go to Safeway and buy groceries, when Carmen calls me at four A.M. because the dog turned over a garbage can, or Mai O'Donovan gets arrested for being drunk and disorderly in Reno, and I have to get out of bed and go bail him out?

I'd go with you. That's what it's all about. I don't find any of that so shocking, or such an imposition. It sounds like fun to me. It would give me some great ideas for my new ventures in commercial fiction.

Be serious. It's like having half a dozen unruly teenaged children.

I think I could survive it. Do I look that delicate to you? I've always been pretty flexible. This would be good training for when we have kids, who do all those same things, or hopefully not, if you bring them up right.

What are you saying to me? She looked totally confused, and somewhat miserable. But these were nice miseries to have, and she knew that.

That I want to be with you, that I want to spend time with you, and see what happens. The same thing is happening to me that's happening to you. I'm falling in love with you, and I don't know why, but I don't want to lose it either, or give it all back to a guy who I think doesn't appreciate you, or deserve you. He gently pushed a lock of her silky hair away with his fingers, and looked into the eyes he had known only for two days, but which trusted him so much already. What I don't want to do is make you unhappy, or pull you apart. Don't do anything right now. It'll all work itself out. We'll see what happens when we go back to L.A., he said reasonably, and she nodded, and then she looked up at him with terror.

What if I decide we can't see each other there? she asked. It wasn't going to work if they hung around kissing each other all the time. Brandon certainly wasn't going to like that.

I hope you don't decide that, he said calmly.

I don't know what to do, she said, feeling like a child, and he smiled at her, took her key from her hands, and opened the door for her.

I've got some ideas, but I don't think any of them are appropriate given the situation. He kissed her on the lips again, gave her a small shove inside, and handed her the key, without ever leaving the hallway. What about tomorrow?

I'm meeting with Haverton and the promoters again, and I've got a couple of other meetings uptown. And then she remembered a dinner meeting she'd made with an attorney who couldn't see her any other time. It was going to be a long day, and she wasn't going to have much time to see him. I don't think I'll be through till nine, maybe later.

I'll call you then. He leaned toward her and kissed her again, and she felt peaceful as she closed the door to her room, and he went back downstairs to the lobby.

She thought about calling Brandon then, and this time she knew she couldn't. It would have been too dishonest calling him, pretending that she was sitting in her room, thinking of him. She knew she had to stop seeing Jeff, or at least kissing him, but the thought of giving it all up was far too painful. Maybe she could just treat it as a small, unimportant interlude, a few kisses, and then everything would be back to normal once they went back to California. She was still telling herself that an hour later when Jeff called. She jumped when she heard the phone, and she almost didn't answer it. She was sure it was Brandon. He hadn't called that day, and there had been no messages from home. And when she picked up the phone, she felt instantly guilty.

Hello? She felt like a criminal as she held the phone, and at the other end Jeff laughed.

Oh, God, don't ever try to play poker. You sound awful.

That's how I feel. Jeff, I feel so guilty.

I thought you would. Look, you haven't done anything. The damage can be repaired. You haven't broken his trust, and if you really feel better that way, we can take a breather. He offered it to her, but it cost him dearly to make the sacrifice. As often as she'd let him, he wanted to see her.

I think we should, take a breather, I mean, she said unhappily. I just can't do this.

You're an honest woman. It's a damn shame, he teased, but he didn't want to tear her apart. The thought of not seeing her again, though, almost killed him.

I can't see you tomorrow night, she said, suddenly firm, as he felt a vise squeeze his heart.

I understand. Call, if you change your mind. She had all his numbers. Will you be all right? He barely knew her, but he worried about her.

I'm fine. I just need to get my equilibrium again. The last two days have been completely crazy.

And very nice, he added, longing for her lips again, and afraid he'd never have them. He had called to say good night, and instead he'd given her the opportunity to run away, which was not what he had intended.

The last two days were wonderful, she said, thinking of the skating, the hansom cab, and kissing him in the snow. He had completely bowled her over. And now she had to concentrate on real life, and going back to Brandon. I'll call you, she said, choking on her own words, thinking of Jeff again, and not Brandon. Good night, Jeff.

Good night. He never told her why he'd called. He had called just to tell her that he loved her.

Chapter 7

Wednesday seemed endless to Allegra as she made her rounds. She had some appointments, uptown and down, a late lunch, and finally a last-minute dinner with a tax lawyer who did work for one of her clients. It was a long day, and as she walked down Madison Avenue from the restaurant, to get some air, she thought of Jeff for the thousandth time since that morning.

She had held firm, and it had almost killed her, but she hadn't called him. She couldn't, their feelings were too raw, the power of what they felt too strong. It was too dangerous to play with the fire that drove them.

And as she walked along, she looked casually into a bookstore, and there he was. His face on the back of his book stared at her from the window. She stopped, and looked deep into the eyes that said so much, and in spite of herself, she walked inside and bought one.

Back in her room, she set it on the table next to her, and looked at him, and then finally she put it in her briefcase. There was no message from him, nor anyone else. A stack of faxes had come in, and she had had long conferences on the phone with Bram Morrison and Malachi O'Donovan that morning. Carmen had left a cryptic message with Alice that she was okay, and everyone else seemed to be holding their own. Only Bram had a problem there had been an odd threat against one of his children. It had come by phone, and the Spanish housekeeper had scarcely understood what the man said, but it didn't sound good. Bram had called the police himself, and had put bodyguards on both his children. It was just as she had explained to Jeff, the problems were limitless, contracts, threats, decisions, tours, licensing, exploitation of all kinds, and the endless contracts.

But she found no solace in her work tonight. All she could think about was Jeff, and then, finally, at ten o'clock, he called her.

How was your day? He tried to sound non-threatening, but he was so nervous, his palms were wet. Just hearing her voice and knowing he couldn't see her made him unhappy.

Fine. She told him about Bram, both the tour and the threat, and Jeff thought that the threat against Bram's kids was disgusting.

Those people are sick. They should all go to jail. How was the rest of your day? he asked, and she looked mournfully across the room at her briefcase.

I bought your book.

You did? He sounded pleased. It cheered him up to think she'd actually thought about him. What made you buy it?

I wanted to have your picture. She sounded like a little kid, and he laughed, and wished he could put his arms around her.

I could come by and show you the real thing, he said hopefully, and this time she laughed.

I don't think we should.

How's Brandon? he finally asked after a pause. He hated the sound of the guy's name by now, but he was curious if she'd called him.

I called a little while ago. He was out. I'm sure he's all wrapped up in his trial.

What about us, Allegra? Jeff asked softly. He hadn't been able to concentrate on anything, think of anything, make sense at all since that morning.

I guess we're on hold, until we learn to control ourselves, she said, and he chuckled.

I'll buy you a little stun gun and you can zap me every time I get near you. You'd have to use it a lot though.

I'm as bad as you are, she said, still sounding guilty.

Don't be so hard on yourself, for heaven's sake. You're only human. And you did all the right things. You stopped me. You sent me away. You told me you wouldn't see me again. He counted her virtues, hating every one of them, but respecting her for her courage and ethics. She was determined to be faithful.

Yeah, I did all that, she said, correcting him, after I kissed you, repeatedly, I might add.

Listen, counselor, kissing is not a crime in this country. Take it easy. This is not Victorian England. You did all the right stuff, you should be pleased with yourself, he reminded her, still wishing she were less faithful to Brandon.

I'm not pleased. I'm miserable and I miss you, she confessed, and they both laughed.

I'm glad to hear it, he said, beaming. How does tomorrow look, or does that make any difference?

Pretty busy, and no, it doesn't.

I figured that, he said, sounding depressed. When are you going back?

Friday.

So am I. Can we at least fly back together? I promise not to do anything outrageous on the airplane. She laughed at the idea, but then that didn't seem smart to her. Why torture themselves? They obviously couldn't keep their hands off each other.

I don't think so, Jeff. Maybe lunch in L.A. sometime.

Come on, he complained, that's bullshit. We deserve better than that. Can't we be friends, at least? This doesn't make sense. You're not a nun, you're a woman. And you're not even married to the guy. And his guess was she never would be. But by the time she figured that out and got free again, God only knew what he'd be doing, or where he'd be living. Timing was important in life, and he had no intention of waiting to see her again until she gave up Brandon. At the rate she was going it could take years. Allegra, just see me once, before you go back. Please. I need to see you.

You don't need to, you want to, she argued.

I'll make a real nuisance of myself if you don't. I'll come to the hotel and lie on the floor in the lobby. I'll bring the hansom cab back and bring the horse through the revolving door. He always made her laugh, and he made her happy. What are you doing to us, you silly girl? What's this all about?

Keeping my word. Living up to a commitment.

That guy doesn't know the meaning of it, and you know it. He doesn't deserve this. And neither do I. At least let me take you to the airport.

I'll call you in L.A., she said firmly.

And say what? That you won't see me because of Brandon?

You said you wouldn't push me, she reminded him, feeling frazzled.

I lied, he responded calmly.

You're impossible.

Go read my book, or look at the picture. I'll call you tomorrow night.

I'll be out. She had to try to discourage him, but she really didn't want to.

Then I'll call you later.

Why are you doing this?

Because I love you. There was a long silence at her end, and Jeff waited and closed his eyes, knowing he shouldn't have said it. All right, I don't love you. That's insane. I like you very much, and I want to get to know you. There was a small, silvery laugh at her end. You know, Allegra Steinberg, you're driving me insane. And how are you going to represent me if you won't see me?

You don't have a deal right now anyway, she reminded him, and he sounded outraged.

Then get me one. What kind of a lawyer are you?

A crazy one, thanks to my newest client.

Go away, go back to him, he played with her, I don't want to see you anyway. And besides, you're a lousy skater.

Yes, I am, she agreed with him, laughing again, but they both treasured memories from the night before when they'd gone skating. And as she thought of it, she found it hard to believe that it had been only a day since she'd seen him. It seemed like an eternity. How was she going to survive in L.A. if she didn't see him?

You're a lovely skater, he said warmly. You're a lot of wonderful things. And I suppose one of those virtues is faithful. I just hope I'm lucky enough to get someone like you one day. The women in my life always seem to take the broad interpretation of fidelity to include at least half a dozen people, or most of the adult male inhabitants of a small city. Anyway, I'll call you tomorrow night, Miss Steinberg, he persisted politely.

Good night, Mr. Hamilton, she said primly. Have a lovely day tomorrow. I'll speak to you in the evening. She couldn't tell him not to call; she liked talking to him too much, and it gave them both something to look forward to, which was fortunate because the next day proved to be dreadful.

It poured with rain, cabs were impossible to find, the subway broke down when she finally tried that, and all of her appointments either ran overtime or were canceled. And she felt like a drowned rat by the time she got back to the hotel at six o'clock to change. That morning, she had been invited to the Weissmans' for dinner at seven-thirty. And just to keep her mind off Jeff, and so she wouldn't sit in her room and think of him, she had accepted. He had sent her long-stemmed red roses that morning. They had made her smile, but he hadn't broken her resolve. After two years, she owed more than that to Brandon. And she knew he was faithful to her. Despite his many failings, wandering wasn't among them. She had been surprised at herself with Jeff. Nothing like that had ever happened to her before, being seized in the grip of an irresistible attraction.

She was going back to L.A. the next day, but she hadn't spoken to Brandon since Monday. She'd called and left messages several times, but he was always out, or in court, or at meetings. It was unnerving not talking to him, but she decided that it was probably her punishment for almost having been unfaithful. She had been bad enough, kissing Jeff repeatedly, and she knew that if she'd seen Jeff again, she wouldn't have been able to resist him. She was sad but relieved to know that she would be out that night if he called her.

She wore a red wool dress and her hair down, with her winter raincoat. And she tried Brandon one more time before she left, and was told again that he was in a meeting, and she left a message that she'd called, and hurried downstairs to have the doorman find her a taxi.

It took the doorman half an hour to find a cab, and she was late when she arrived, but so were most of the guests, for the same reason. The Weissmans were expecting fourteen for dinner. Andreas had already told her that Jason Haverton would be there, and two or three of his other writers.

Allegra was introduced to a very attractive young woman as she came through the door. She was a very controversial feminist writer, another of Andreas' clients. A well-known newscaster was there, a correspondent for The New York Times, the director of CNN and his wife, and an actress Allegra's mother knew who was appearing on Broadway. Allegra made a point of saying hello to her before she sat down. The woman was very respected, and very grand, and she had made a sweeping entrance into the room, which had been observed by all. It was the perfect New York gathering for a rainy evening.

They were all there save one, and the doorbell rang one last time. She looked up as he entered the room, and she realized that she should have known. It was so obvious. Neither of them had guessed, and Jeff looked even more surprised than she did.

Destiny, he said, looking at her with a small, wicked smile, and she laughed, relieved, and far more pleased than she wanted to admit, and unable to fight it any longer. She held out her hand to him, as though they'd just met. No, Allegra.

Did you know? he asked in an undervoice, as he sat down next to her, his hair still damp from the rain, and he looked incredibly handsome.

Of course not, she said, her eyes alive with all the feelings she had been fighting. It was all he could do not to kiss her in front of the Weissmans.

Tell the truth. He was teasing her now, and enjoying it. Did you arrange it? You don't have to be embarrassed to tell me. She gave him an evil look, and he laughed as he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, and then went to get himself a Scotch and water. He was back instantly, and sat in quiet conversation with her for a little while, and then Jason Haverton joined them. He was pleased with the deal they'd arranged, and his qualms about having a movie made from one of his books had been dissipated for the most part by Allegra.

She's quite something, the older man said to Jeff admiringly, when she went to say something to Andreas. She's good at what she does, and good-looking too. He sang her praises as he sipped a gin and tonic.

I just hired her, Jeff confirmed, amused by the conversation.

She'll do well for you, the older man reassured him.

I hope so, Jeff said, as she rejoined them.

It was an interesting evening for all of them, and it seemed the perfect way to end her stay in New York. And as they put on their coats to leave, Jeff left with her. She had given up keeping him at bay, it was so natural just being with him. And he looked so happy as he left with her. He seemed very proud, and very protective.

Do you want to go somewhere for a drink? he asked harmlessly. That is, if you trust me. His eyes were gentle and loving.

You were never the problem, she smiled up at him in the elevator as they left. I was.

I think we both were. Do you want to come to my mother's place for a while? It's three blocks from here. I promise to behave myself. And if I start to get out of control, you can leave whenever you want to.

You sound positively dangerous. Allegra laughed at all of his precautions. We ought to be able to manage that, don't you think? But in truth, neither of them were sure, as she shared his umbrella and they walked the three blocks down Fifth Avenue to his mother's apartment.

The wind was fierce, and she was almost blown against him, as they walked into his building. It was a co-op building much like the one where the Weissmans lived. There was one apartment on each floor, and in each case, the elevator stopped at a private, individual lobby. The building was small, and the apartments were not large here, but they were well laid out, the views were excellent, and it was a very handsome building.

The elevator lobby on his mother's floor was all done in black and white marble, with an antique table and chair she had bought at auction at Christie's. And inside the apartment were a large collection of English antiques. The fabrics were delicate yellow brocades, and gray silks, and a few subtle chintzes. It was well-done, but somehow the atmosphere was austere. It was only in a small study with a leather couch that she and Jeff felt they could sit and chat comfortably. It was the only room he really liked, and Allegra picked up a photograph of his mother and studied it with interest. She was tall and thin, and she looked a great deal like him. But the eyes were sad, and the lips were thin, and it was hard to imagine her smiling. She didn't look like much fun; it was hard to compare her to Jeff. His whole face was touched by laughter and good humor.

She looks very serious, Allegra said politely, so different from her own family where everyone smiled and laughed and cried and talked, and her own mother was so pretty.

She is serious. I don't think she's ever really been happy since she lost my father, he explained to Allegra.

Oh, dear, how sad. But she looked to Allegra as though she had been that way for a lifetime.

Dad was the one with the sense of humor.

Aline too, she said, and then remembered that Jeff knew that.

She sat on the couch next to him, with a glass of wine, and stretched out her legs as he lit a fire. It had been a long week, and she was tired, but it had had its high points too, among them the carriage ride and the skating, and even the dinner tonight. They'd been dinner partners and it had really been fun sitting next to him. With him on her right side, and Jason Haverton on her left, they had kept up a lively conversation.

I had fun tonight, she said, watching him light the fire, and enjoying just being there with him. Did you?

He turned and looked at her with a slow smile. Obviously, I had a great time. You know, it's funny, I wondered if you'd be there, but I didn't even dare ask you. I was afraid you wouldn't go if you knew I was coming. Would you have gone anyway?

She shrugged, and then nodded. Probably. I didn't even let myself hope you'd be there. It kind of took things out of our hands, didn't it? It had been such a relief to suddenly see him there, it had made her heart leap the moment she saw him. No matter how unreasonable she told herself this was, it was becoming impossible to control her feelings. And yet, there was always Brandon, lurking near them, in the shadows.

What now? Jeff asked, as he sat down on the couch next to her with a glass of wine, and an arm around her shoulders. They were incredibly comfortable together, as they had been since the moment they met. And now it felt perfect sitting side by side on the couch in his mother's apartment.

We go home and see what happens, I guess, she said honestly. I suppose I ought to say something to Brandon. There was no avoiding it now. In some ways, she felt she owed it to him to tell him what had happened. Seeing Jeff again had made her realize she couldn't remain completely silent.

You're going to tell him about us? Jeff looked shocked.

Maybe. She hadn't thought it out yet. Maybe all I need to say is that it worries me that I can be so attracted to someone else. It certainly says something about what's missing with Brandon.

Frankly, I think you ought to keep it to yourself. See how you feel about him, what you want, and what you're not getting, then draw your own conclusions. It seemed like a lot to worry about, and they were both tired of thinking about it. Instead, their conversation turned to other things; his new book, his next movie contract. He had picked up some suggestions that night from Jason, all of which had been instigated by Allegra.

Jeff was excited about starting a new book, and less so about finishing his screenplay. He was planning to settle down in Malibu and get to work as soon as he got back. He had no plans at all for the weekend.

What about you? he asked her with interest, as the fire crackled and they both got sleepy. It was warm and cozy in the little room, and Jeff smiled at how pleasant it was to see her there. His mother's apartment always seemed so stern to him. It was lovely to see Allegra tucked into the couch now beside him.

I've got to get organized for next week. She had to negotiate Carmen's new movie, and she wanted to talk Alan into a new deal. There were a lot of large and small projects she had to attend to. She couldn't even imagine what had been dumped on her desk while she was gone. I guess I'll work Saturday, maybe have dinner with my parents that night, and then see Brandon on Sunday.

That's it? He looked surprised. Won't he join you at your parents' on Saturday night? He looked shocked when she shook her head. Will he pick you up at the airport?

He can't, he's in trial. He says he needs to work till at least Sunday. And he doesn't want me to distract him.

He raised an eyebrow then, and took another sip of wine. I'd love for you to distract me, Allegra. He smiled. Call me if you get lonely. But he said nothing else, and after that, neither of them mentioned Brandon.

They sat there together on the couch for a long time, and they behaved surprisingly well, until he went out to get some ice in the kitchen. She followed him there, and everything was immaculate and pristine. His mother was meticulous, and her housekeeper had been cleaning up behind Jeff all week. But when he put the ice down on the sink and looked at her, he couldn't stop himself, he took one long stride toward her and held her. He felt her trembling in his arms, her legs against his, and his whole body seemed to melt against her. Oh, God, Allegra ‘ I don't know how you do this to me. ‘ There had been countless women in his life, but none who did to him what she did. Perhaps it was knowing that he couldn't have her yet, perhaps never would there was something unbearably bittersweet about the longing they felt for each other. Her lips found his, and a moment later she was leaning against the wall, and he was holding her as he pressed hard against her. But she didn't object. She wanted him. But he was forbidden fruit. She knew she couldn't have him.

I think we should stop, she said distractedly, sounding hoarse as he ground slowly against her and she matched his movements. Her face was warm, and her neck, and he had his hands cupped around her breasts as he kissed her.

I'm not sure I can stand this ‘ he said, groaning, as he tried to make himself stop, but for just a moment more, he couldn't. And then, finally, slowly, painfully, he brought himself back to his senses. It was an excruciating effort, but he did it for her, because he believed that this was what she wanted. But their lips still met, and her hand drifted slowly down his leg, and was sweet torture.

I'm sorry, she said hoarsely.

So am I, he said, wanting to take her there on the kitchen floor, on the couch, the table, anywhere, in the silence of his mother's apartment. I'm not sure how many times I can do this again.

Maybe we won't have to, she said sadly. I'll meet you at Spago for lunch in L.A. We won't be able to do anything there but talk.

How disappointing. I kind of like this, he teased her, touched her breast tantalizingly again, and then kissed her.

We're torturing each other, she said unhappily. Somehow, it all seemed so stupid, and she couldn't help wondering if Brandon would have been as honorable about his obligations to her in a similar situation.

It's kind of fun, Jeff said with a lopsided grin, trying to make the best of it, in a perverted way. I wouldn't want to do a lot of this though, he said, looking her square in the eye, and she wondered if it was a warning.

He showed her his room, a somber, masculine room, with striped green curtains and lots of dark English antiques, and they managed to stay out of bed, which seemed miraculous to both of them, and they laughed about it as he showed her the rest of the apartment. And he took her back to the hotel a little while after midnight. He rode upstairs with her, and this time he came in. There was a little sitting area, and he sat on the couch and she showed him his book. She had stood it up again so she could look at his picture.

We're both crazy, you know. I'm chasing after you like a kid, and you're looking at my picture. It had been a strange week for both of them, and in an odd way it was like they had been on a cruise. They were far from their everyday lives and their daily obligations. It remained to be seen what would happen once they got home. Right now, it was hard to imagine.

Jeff stayed for a little while. But they'd had all they wanted to drink, said everything they could, there was nothing to do now except say good-bye, for a while at least, or never say it again. That point had come to them very quickly. It had happened to them faster than most, but the time had come to do or die, to let go and flee, or seize the moment. And yet, whatever path they chose, they knew it would be painful.

It took every effort he could make to finally stand up, and he stood for a long time, looking down at her, and then he held her. He wanted to stay with her, and take care of her, and be there for her, but he knew he couldn't.

Promise you'll call me if you need anything. You don't have to do anything for me, you don't have to end it with him if that's not what you want to do, just call me if you need me.

I will. You too, she said sadly. It felt like goodbye, and neither of them was sure what this would be yet, perhaps nothing at all except a memory of a few snowy days in New York, and a ride in a hansom carriage at midnight.

I'll call you when I get my first death threat, he grinned. Take care of yourself, he warned. She walked him to the door, and then he held her again, and closed his eyes as he felt her hair on his cheek and smelled her perfume. Oh, God, I'm going to miss you.

Me too. She wasn't even sure what she was doing. Nothing made sense anymore. She was trying to do the right thing, and instead, everything she did seemed so stupid.

I'll call, just to see how you're doing. He was going to give her a few days to settle in, and then call her in the office.

And then suddenly there were no words, they just held each other and kissed, and finally he left, and when he did, she sat down on the bed and cried, she already missed him. The phone rang shortly after that, but she didn't pick it up. She was too afraid it would be Brandon.

Chapter 8

The next day was a mad rush for her. She had two last appointments downtown, and she was on a six o'clock plane, which meant she had to leave the city by four, possibly even earlier if the weather was bad, and because of the Friday traffic. She called Andreas Weissman to say good-bye, and thank him for all his help that week, and both of his extremely hospitable invitations. He assured her that it had been a pleasure to have her, promised to call if he came to L.A., and thanked her for her work with Jason.

She packed in a huge hurry at three o'clock, after a late lunch, and then in a rush of guilt and panic, she decided to call Brandon. She hadn't talked to him in days, and she was beginning to feel awkward about it. But at least, as a rule, he was never jealous, and he hadn't seemed worried about what she was doing in New York. He knew she was working. And she had been. But there had been Jeff. And she was still wondering if her life would ever go back to normal. Jeff had called her that morning when she got up, and just hearing him had brought tears to her eyes. He had just wanted to tell her he was thinking about her, and he didn't say it, but she could tell he was in bed, and thinking about it had haunted her all morning.

When she called Brandon's office, his machine was on, and she pressed the appropriate button to summon up his assistant. Allegra asked if he was in court, and was surprised to hear from his assistant that he wasn't.

Isn't he in trial? Was something wrong?

They pleaded it out this morning.

How great for him. Is he pleased?

Very much so, his assistant, whom Allegra didn't like, said dryly.

Tell him I'll see him tonight then. If he wants to meet me, I'm coming in on United 412. We land at nine-fifteen. I'll be home by ten o'clock if he can't make it.

He can't. He's catching a four o'clock to San Francisco.

He is. Why?

To see his family, I assume, she said nastily, and for a moment Allegra thought about it. He had gone the previous weekend, and he knew she was coming home that night. But not having spoken to him in two days, she didn't know if one of the girls had a problem.

Just tell him I called, Allegra said curtly. I'll be home by ten. He can call me.

Yes, ma'am, she said with obvious sarcasm. Allegra had complained to Brandon about her before, but he said she was a great secretary and he liked her.

Allegra thought about it for a minute after she hung up the phone. He had finished the trial. He was free for the weekend. He was going to San Francisco. He had told her that he couldn't see her till Sunday anyway, so maybe he thought she had made other plans, or maybe he was going to ask her to fly up as soon as she got home, probably on Saturday. But what was the point of that? That would just be exhausting. And as she thought about it, she had a great idea. She called the airlines, and asked if they had a seat on a flight to San Francisco. She knew where he stayed, she could meet him there. What a great idea ‘ she could surprise him!

They had a flight at five fifty-three, just seven minutes before she had been scheduled to take off for L.A. She knew she could make it. They had a seat in first class for her, the only seat left on the plane, and she grabbed it. It was worth it just to see him. She really needed to see him now, after all the insanity she'd gone through with Jeff for the past four days. Maybe it had all been a romantic illusion. Brandon represented solidity to her, and time, and history. They had been together for two years. She had seen him through his entire separation. She loved his kids, and they loved her. She and Brandon had a life together. What she and Jeff had was a flash of something magical. It happened sometimes, but you couldn't build a life on it, she told herself firmly as she called the porter for her bags.

She hadn't called Jeff to say good-bye. She knew he had left on an earlier flight, and enough had been said between them. It was time to let go now, and see what was there if they ever met again. But she was not going to jeopardize her future with Brandon, and she was glad that things with Jeff had gone no further. It would have been wrong of her, and she felt guilty enough about it now. But she had decided not to say anything to Brandon. It would only hurt him. She smiled to herself then, thinking how pleased he would be to see her, and how happy she would be to see him. She thought about leaving a message at the office for him, to tell him that she had changed her plans, and then she decided that it would be more fun to surprise him.

She checked out of the hotel, and got into the waiting limousine. The ride to the airport was New York rush hour traffic at its worst, and she barely made it. She had to change her ticket, and check her bag through, and she boarded the plane with one minute to spare before they closed the doors. Every seat was full, and most of the flight attendants looked as though they were in bad humor. It was the end of the week, everyone was tired, the plane was too full. They were half an hour late taking off because of bad weather, and it was stuffy and hot in the plane, and the movie broke in coach, which made everyone crabby.

She took Jeff's book out during the flight, and turned it over several times to look at him. There was something so haunting about his eyes, so familiar about his lips, he looked as though he were going to say something to her, or move. He was leaning up against a brick building. It was a great photograph, and she finally put the book away in her briefcase.

When they finally arrived in San Francisco, they had to wait on the runway for forty-five minutes for a gate. It was eleven o'clock local time, two hours later than they were supposed to arrive, and everyone looked frazzled and exhausted. It was a typical modern-day flight, the food had been bad, the flight uncomfortable, there were endless delays, and the people leaving the flight all looked disgruntled. Welcome to New Age travel.

She walked to the carousel, and despite the aggravations of the trip, there was something fun about being there unexpectedly. It was like sharing a giant secret. She wasn't going home to a dirty house and unread mail. She didn't have to unpack, or take her clothes to the cleaners. She couldn't go into the office on Saturday. It was like a little extra gift. A weekend with Brandon in San Francisco, and right now it was just what they needed, more than he knew, or would ever need to know. But Allegra was thrilled that she'd done this.

As she picked up her bag, she thought briefly of Jeff again. He would be in L.A. by then, in his house in Malibu, and she couldn't help wondering what he was feeling. He said he would call in a few days. But she wasn't even sure she should take the call now. They both needed to get over the insanity that had struck them, and seeing each other would only make it harder. Now that she'd left New York, she was determined to strengthen her resolve and try to forget everything that had happened.

Allegra hailed a cab outside the terminal, and asked him to take her to the Fairmont. It was a grand, old hotel, and Brandon always liked to stay there. He thought it was an adventure for the girls, and it was close to everything they needed. She had tried talking him into a smaller hotel in Pacific Heights, but old habits were hard to break and he always insisted that his daughters loved it.

At that hour of night, it took them twenty minutes to drive into town, and Allegra felt as though she were moving underwater as the porter picked up her suitcase.

Checking in, ma'am? he asked pleasantly, and Allegra mustered a wintry smile and told him she was meeting her husband.

She realized that he was probably asleep by then, but the surprise of seeing her there would be worth it. She was going to pick up a key, let herself into the room, take off her clothes, and slip into bed beside him. She would have loved to take a shower, but she didn't think it was fair to make all that noise when he was asleep; she'd have to settle for a shower in the morning.

It was eleven-thirty when she reached the desk, and people were coming and going in the lobby. There were assorted restaurants where people from all over town came for special dining. The Tonga Room for Oriental and Polynesian food, the Venetian Room for name bands and well-known entertainers, Mason's for something more intimate. But all Allegra wanted was the key to the room where Brandon was staying.

Edwards, please, she said, looking vague, and pushing the hair out of her eyes. She felt a mess as she stood there holding her heavy New York coat, and wearing the raincoat. She had a tote bag in one hand, and her briefcase in the other, and next to her, her suitcase.

First name? the woman in charge asked her, without expression.

Brandon.

Have you already checked in to the hotel?

I'm sure he has. He arrived earlier this evening. I just flew in from New York to meet him.

And you are? She stared blankly at Allegra.

Mrs. Edwards. She felt perfectly comfortable with the lie. She always stayed at the Fairmont as Mrs. Edwards. It was simpler.

Thank you, Mrs. Edwards, five-fourteen. She handed her a key, and signaled to the porter. He picked up the suitcase, and walked her to the elevator, offering to take the smaller bags from her, and she gladly gave them up. She felt as though she were about to fall over. It was two-thirty in the morning Eastern time, and she'd been going nonstop since seven-thirty. And in the end, her trip East had been fraught with emotion. She pushed that from her mind now, and rode upstairs, trying to suppress a small smile as she thought of Brandon's surprise when he saw her. Maybe he wouldn't even wake up and see her there, next to him, until morning. She wondered if he already had the girls with him, or if they were joining him in the morning. She suspected they might already be there, which was probably why he had come up so early.

The porter turned the key in the door for her, and she told him to set the bags down just inside the door and leave them there, as she tipped him and put a finger to her lips, for fear that Brandon was sleeping. He'd had a hard week with the trial, and he was probably exhausted. She tipped the porter handsomely, and turned on one small light in the living room of the suite, and closed the door behind her. Brandon was such a good customer that they almost always gave him a two-bedroom suite for the price of two king-size rooms, and she made her way through the living room of the suite now in the dim light, careful not to wake anyone up. There was no sound in the room beyond, and she was sure he was asleep. His briefcase stood near the desk, his jacket was hung over the back of a chair, there were several books and newspapers, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, a Law Review, and there was a pair of his shoes, the loafers he often wore to work, under the chair where he'd hung the jacket. He was fairly neat at home, but in hotels he was never as careful.

She set down all her bags, and with a small smile, she tiptoed into the darkness of the bedroom. She just wanted to see him, and then she'd get undressed, and get into bed beside him. The room was dark as she went in, but as her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she saw that there was no one in the bed. The covers were turned back, and there were chocolates on the pillows. Brandon wasn't there. She wondered if he was with the girls, or still with Joanie talking about business again, or maybe he'd gone to a movie. He liked going to movies so he could unwind, particularly after a hard week, like the trial. But she was a little disappointed not to see him. She realized quickly though that this would give her time to shower and wash her hair, and she'd have time to relax before he got home, and they could go to bed together, possibly with a more interesting outcome. She had to force Jeff from her head again as she thought of it, and it was ridiculous but she felt unfaithful to him too now. It was a totally schizophrenic situation. But she would not allow herself to think of him, as she nicked on the light so she could get ready.

She took off her suit jacket, and went to hang it up in the closet, and as soon as she got there she realized why Brandon wasn't in bed. They'd given her the key to the wrong room. There were someone else's clothes there. There were half a dozen women's dresses hanging there, two of them fairly dressy, and a pair of jeans, and some shoes. And as she realized it, Allegra backed out of the closet quickly. She hurried back to the living room, to pick up her things before the people returned and were outraged by her intrusion. But as she reached the living room, she saw his jacket again, and the familiar shoes, and she went and looked at them again. She was sure of it. They were Brandon's. And the briefcase was his too. She'd have known it anywhere, and it bore his initials. It was Brandon's room ‘ but there were women's things in the closet. She went back and looked again, wondering if they were her things and he had brought them in case she'd join him, but that was ridiculous. These were the clothes of a woman who was at least four or five inches shorter. Allegra fingered the dresses, as though trying to understand why they were there. She was so tired, her mind refused to absorb what she was seeing.

She walked into the bathroom then. There was makeup, and gold slippers with little white feathers on them, and an almost transparent white lace nightgown. And as Allegra stared at it, the full impact of what she was seeing finally hit her. He had come to San Francisco with another woman. These weren't her things, they didn't belong to his daughters, who were clearly not there. And she realized he didn't even have a two-bedroom suite this time, as usual, to accommodate the girls. And the clothes she had seen were far too small to be Joanie's. These were clearly someone else's. But whose? That remained an unanswered question. As she looked around, she saw feminine articles of clothing everywhere, panty hose on the bed, a bra over the back of a chair, panties next to the sink. Allegra wanted to scream as she looked at all of it. What had he been doing? What had he done? And for how long? How many times had he fooled her? How many times had he come to San Francisco with someone else, while telling her that he wanted to be alone with his children? She had never suspected it, not even for a minute. She had always trusted him. And he had cheated and lied. And there had been plenty of opportunity for him to do it in Los Angeles too. Jeff's face loomed into her head as she thought of all of it. She had been consumed with guilt over a few kisses, and left a man who claimed to be seriously interested in her, all because she felt such an obligation, and a bond, to Brandon. And all the while he was a cheat and a liar. Hot tears stung her eyes as she continued to look around. But there was no more to see, and she knew she didn't want to be there when they returned from dinner.

Her face blazed as she thought of all the times he had been so aloof, and needed space, and had to be alone, and could never make a commitment to her. No wonder. He was a complete bastard.

Juggling all her bags awkwardly, she hurried from the room, and rushed to the elevator, praying that they wouldn't come out of it just as she was leaving. But the elevator was empty when she got in, and she went all the way downstairs to the California Street entrance, and hurried outside to look for a cab, knowing full well it might take a while for her to find one. Taxis in San Francisco were not as easy to find as they were in New York, and most of them would be waiting at the hotel's main entrance. But that was the last place she wanted to be now. She didn't want to run into Brandon as they came back from wherever they'd been. And she stood on California Street, holding her bags, as the cable cars lumbered by laden with tourists. She looked up at them with eyes filled with tears and anger.

It was beyond incredible what he'd done to her. He'd been cheating on her, and God only knew for how long. The master of noncommitment had been spreading himself around.

She finally saw a cab, and dropped her briefcase to hail it, and the driver got out to help her organize her bags.

Thanks very much, she said distractedly, and got into the taxi.

Where to?

The airport, she said as her voice shook, and she covered her face with her hands.

You all right, miss? He was a nice old guy, and he felt sorry for her. She looked like a little kid running away from home.

I'm fine, she said, her face awash with tears, as they drove back the way she had come less than an hour before, and as she looked down, she saw that she still had the room key in her hand. She dropped it on the seat next to her, and stared out the window, wondering for how long her life with him had been a lie. She tried to think back to all the times he had said he had to come and see the children, and the other times when he had said he needed to be alone and have some space. Looking back on it, she wondered if he had always cheated on her right from the beginning, if this was just a very old game with him, and part of his lifestyle.

They got back to the airport again in twenty minutes, and the driver helped her out of the cab. Where are you going tonight? he asked her gently. He was an old man with a paunch and a bushy mustache. But she was such a pretty girl, and she had cried all the way to the airport. He felt sorry for her, and he wanted to help her.

Back to L.A., she said, fighting to regain her composure, but it seemed hopeless as she reached into her bag for a tissue and blew her nose. I'm sorry’ . I'm really fine, she said apologetically.

Honey, you don't look it. But everything's gonna be okay. You just go on home. Whatever he done, he'll be sorry in the morning, he said, assuming she'd had trouble with a man. But Brandon would never be as sorry as she was that night.

She thanked him and walked into the terminal, only to be told that she had missed the last flight. The last flight for L.A. left at nine o'clock. It was after midnight, and all she could do now was sit in the airport and wait for the first flight the next morning. There wasn't even anyone there to check her bags for her. They suggested she go to the airport hotel, but she didn't even want to do that. She didn't want to go anywhere. She just wanted to sit there. She had a lot to think about, and for a fraction of a second, she thought of calling Jeff. But that didn't seem right either, whining to him after all she'd put him through in New York. She had made him sweat for every one of her kisses, while Brandon was probably getting laid all week. She couldn't help wondering who the girl at the Fairmont had been, but she had been too taken aback to try to look for identification, or her name anywhere. It had been such a cozy scene, with her underwear and her see-through nightgown. Allegra still couldn't believe what she'd seen. She had felt like an intruder, and she was only grateful they hadn't walked in on her. That would have been the last straw. Or worse yet, if she had walked in on them while they were in bed. Just thinking about it made her shudder.

She rented a locker and put her bags in it, so she could get a cup of coffee and not have to drag them around with her. She started to feel calmer after a while, and for a little while she got really angry, but most of the time she felt just plain sad. She thought about calling her mother and telling her, but her mother disliked Brandon so much, she didn't want to give her the satisfaction of telling her he'd been cheating on her all along. Or had he been? There was no way to know now. And she doubted that he'd be honest with her. For the moment, he didn't even know he'd been caught red-handed.

She drank five big cups of black coffee, and stayed up all night, reading magazines, thinking about him, and wandering around. She thought about writing him a letter, and telling him everything she felt, but that didn't seem strong enough. She didn't know what to do. She could have gone back to the Fairmont, or called him to see what he'd say. She could have done a lot of things, but most of all, she just wanted to go home and think about it.

She sat and watched the sun come up, and she started to cry again as she thought of him. And she felt like a madwoman when she got on the first plane at six o'clock. There were a handful of what looked like businessmen, and a couple of families, but it was Saturday and there was hardly anyone on the flight at all.

The stewardess poured her another cup of coffee and gave her a breakfast roll, which she never touched. She felt completely wrung out. She'd been traveling for almost twenty hours by then, and she looked every bit of it when she finally got off the flight. It was seven ten, and once again she got a cab from the airport. This was the third airport she'd seen in less than two days. She lay her head back against the seat, as the taxi drove her home, and at eight o'clock she walked through her front door. She'd been gone for nearly seven days, and she'd half fallen in love with a man three thousand miles away, and found the man she had been devoted to for two years cheating on her. It had been a rough week, particularly since the night before in San Francisco.

She set her briefcase down, and stood looking around. There was a stack of mail on her desk the cleaning lady had left for her, and her answering machine was almost full when she turned it on. There were the usual messages from the dry cleaner about a jacket they couldn't repair, the laundry about the pillowcases they'd lost, a health club that wanted her to enroll, the garage where she bought tires for her car. Her mother had called the night before to see if she wanted to have dinner with them on Sunday night, and Carmen had called to say she was staying at a friend's. She had left a number that Allegra knew she'd heard before, but she didn't quite remember it, and it went by too fast anyway. And then at the very end, Brandon had called. He said he was going to San Francisco to see the girls, they had pled at the trial and ended it early, and the girls really wanted him to come up. He was sure she was tired after a week in New York, and had a lot of catching up to do. And he would see her on Sunday night when he got back. She wondered if he would bother to call her again, or if he thought that covered it. And she wondered too if he thought she might call him.

She had no intention of calling him, or anyone else at the moment. She wanted to be alone, to lick her wounds, and decide what had to be done. She wasn't sure yet how she was going to tell him. But it was pretty straightforward, there was no mystery to what he'd done, and she couldn't imagine continuing the relationship beyond that.

She unpacked and put her clothes away. She made herself some toast, and a cup of tea. She took a shower and washed her hair, and tried to achieve some kind of normalcy, but all the while there was a constant, almost physical ache in her heart. It felt like something she was carrying deep inside her, as though something had broken inside as she looked at Brandon's girlfriend's bra and her see-through nightgown.

She called her parents at ten o'clock that morning, but she was relieved when they weren't there. Sam said they were playing tennis at the club. Allegra told her only that she was fine, and had just gotten back from New York that morning, but she had too much to do to come to dinner on Sunday night.

Tell Mom for me, will you, Sam?

Sure, she said offhandedly, and Allegra immediately worried that her mother wouldn't get the message. Samantha did that sometimes if she had more important things on her mind, like a party, or a boy, or a shopping spree with a girlfriend. Don't forget, will you, please? I don't want her to think I didn't call her back.

Well, listen to Miss Important. Your messages aren't such a big deal, you know, Allie.

Maybe they are to Mom.

Relax, I'll give it to her. How was New York, by the way? Did you buy anything? Yes, a book by a man I met and went ice-skating with. ‘

I didn't have time to do any shopping.

Bummer. That's no fun.

It wasn't really a fun trip. I was working. But there had been more than work involved. How's Mom?

Fine. Why? Sam sounded surprised that Allegra had asked her. It never occurred to her that something might be wrong. At seventeen her entire world was bordered by her own interests, and currently her parents were low on her scores.

Is she okay after not getting the award?

Sure. Sam shrugged. She never said anything. I don't really think she cares, which only proved to Allegra how little Samantha knew their mother. Blaire was a perfectionist, and a high achiever, who worried about every little detail. Allegra was sure that she had agonized about not winning the award, but she was too proud to say it, and, of course, seventeen-year-old Sam was completely unaware of their mother's feelings. This was her senior year, and all she could think about was modeling and shopping, and her excitement over going to college.

Tell her I'll call her when I have time, and send my love to Mom and Dad.

Gaaad ‘ anything else you want me to write down?

Knock it off.

You're in a crabby mood.

I was at the airport all night. Not to mention what had happened with Brandon. And she was in no mood to take any guff from a seventeen-year-old girl.

Sorreee ‘

Good-bye, Sam. She'd had enough by then, and after she hung up, she thought about it for a while, and decided to call Alan. But he was out and there was no answer there.

She would have liked to talk to him about what had happened. He didn't like Brandon particularly, but he was always fair. And eventually, she wanted to talk to him about Jeff too, and see if he thought she was completely insane for the way she was feeling about a relative stranger.

By noon she was so worn out, she couldn't even think straight, and she finally gave up and lay down on her bed. No one called her, the doorbell never rang. Brandon never even called to see if she'd gotten home from New York all right, and she woke up six hours later. It was dark outside again, and she felt as though she had a ten-thousand-pound weight on her chest and a bowling ball in her stomach. She lay on her bed for a long time, looking at the ceiling, thinking about him, and as she remembered what had happened, tears slid slowly from the corners of her eyes and down her face. The night before had been miserable for her, and she couldn't even think of what to do now. She didn't want to go on, or start again, or trust anyone ever again. Jeff was probably just another one of them. That was all she picked, men who avoided her and hurt her, men who couldn't give and eventually ran away. The only man in her life who had never hurt her, or run away from her, was Simon Steinberg. He was the only man she could trust, or even dared to love. And she knew to her core that he would never betray her.

And now she would have to confront Brandon. It was all so tiring, she couldn't bear to think about it. She didn't want to see his face or his eyes when he lied to her. She would have hated him for it.

She didn't even bother to eat that night, she just lay there, alternately crying and sleeping. She did a lot of both, and when she woke again the next day, on Sunday morning, she finally got up. She felt as though her whole body had been beaten, she ached from head to foot, and she wasn't even sure why. Her outsides hurt almost as much as her insides, and she still had the same dull ache in her heart. She didn't want to talk to anyone, and when Carmen called, Allegra didn't even pick it up. She was giggling and laughing, so Allegra knew she was all right. Allegra didn't pick up a single call until Brandon finally called at four o'clock on Sunday.

She picked up the phone as soon as she heard him. She wanted to get it over with, and he had said he might come to see her that night when he returned from San Francisco.

Hello, Brandon, she said calmly. Her hand was shaking terribly, but there was nothing even remotely suspicious in her voice as she answered.

Hi, babe, how are you? How was the flight from New York?

Fine, thanks. She was cool, but not vicious, and he just thought she was distracted by her work. He was that way sometimes too, and to him it seemed normal.

I called Friday afternoon, but I guess you hadn't gotten in, he said in a relaxed voice.

I got the message. Where are you? She was getting tenser.

I'm still in San Francisco, he explained easily. I had a great weekend with the girls. Now that the case is settled, I feel as though I have a huge weight off my back. It's terrific. And apparently, so was his weekend.

I'm glad to hear it. When are you coming back to L.A.?

I thought I'd take the six o'clock. I could come by around eight.

That would be fine, she said, feeling like a robot, and he finally picked it up as he listened.

Is something wrong? He didn't sound concerned, only surprised. She was usually so cheerful. Are you still tired after the trip?

Yes, I am. More than she had ever been in her life. I'll see you at eight then.

Great. He hesitated for an instant, as though sensing that more was needed than usual, and for once he was willing to give it. He was very artful at covering his tracks. Allegra ‘ I really missed you.

So did I, she said, her eyes filling with tears again. So did I. I'll see you later, she said, covering it again.

Do you want to go out to dinner? She was surprised he had the energy after his weekend with Miss Peekaboo Nightgown, or maybe she was already an old flame and didn't require quite as much zeal as it had appeared to Allegra.

Actually, I'd rather stay here. What she had to say to him she couldn't say in a restaurant, or any public place. The next four hours seemed endless to her. She needed to get it off her chest as soon as possible, for her own sake.

She went for a long walk that afternoon, and called her parents. She told her mother she had to go into the office and work late that night.

On Sunday? That's ridiculous, Blaire said, worried about her. She worked much too hard, and she sounded exhausted.

I've been gone for a week, Mom. I'll come by sometime this week.

Take care of yourself, Blaire said, and for once she didn't ask about Brandon. Allegra was grateful for that.

She ate a yogurt for dinner, tried to watch the news on TV, but found she didn't know what she was seeing, and eventually she just lay down and waited on the couch. She heard him in the driveway at eight-fifteen, and when she heard his key in the door, she sat up. She had given him the key over a year before, and he looked happy and relaxed as he smiled at her and came to give her a hug where she was sitting. But she avoided him completely, and surprised him by standing up to greet him. She took a step backward from him, looking him over. She was searching his eyes, but there were no answers there to any of her questions.

He looked shocked. She was usually so affectionate and so friendly, it startled him when she avoided him, and for a long moment, she didn't speak at all, as they stared at each other in silence. Is something wrong? he asked her finally.

I think so. Don't you, Brandon? It was all she said, and she could see a muscle in his neck become tense immediately as he became wary.

What's that supposed to mean?

Maybe you should tell me. I have the feeling suddenly that some things have been going on that I knew nothing about, Brandon. Things that maybe you should have mentioned.

Like what? He stood looking at her, beginning to get angry, but she knew it was a defense. He'd been caught, and he sensed it even before she told him. I don't know what you're talking about. He walked across the room, and watching him, she sat down again.

Yes, you do. You know exactly what I mean, you're just not sure how much I know, and neither am I. I guess that's what I want to know now. How often, and for how long? How many women have you been screwing? Have you been cheating on me for the whole two years, or did it start recently? When did it start, Brandon? All of a sudden I remember all the times you went to San Francisco, all the times you told me you wanted to be alone with the girls, or you and Joanie had to talk. That doesn't even take into account the time you went to Chicago, and the deal you were supposedly making in Detroit. So what was it? She looked at him coolly. All the pain she'd felt for two days was suddenly ice cold. Where do we start?

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, he said, trying to make her sound and feel foolish. But he looked pale as he sat down. And she saw that his hands were shaking when he lit a cigarette.

This must make you very nervous. It would me, if I were in your shoes, she said, watching him. The thing is, I just don't see the point. Why bother? We're not even married, why cheat on me? Why not just call it a day before it gets to that point?

What point? he said, trying to look confused. He would have liked to imply that she was crazy, but he didn't quite dare. He could see easily that she was seething.

The point you were at this weekend, at the Fairmont. Surely, I don't have to spell it out. Her long blond hair hung over her shoulders, and she had no idea how lovely she looked in her blue jeans and an old navy blue sweatshirt.

What is all that supposed to mean? He was playing it to the end, and she looked at him with utter contempt.

All right, if you want things made a little clearer though if I were in your shoes, I don't think I'd do that. I called your office on Friday, and your secretary told me the case was over and you were going to San Francisco to see the girls. So, fool that I am, I decided to surprise you, and I changed my ticket from New York. His face was getting whiter and whiter as she spoke, but he continued to look calm and smoke his cigarette, as his eyes narrowed.

I flew to San Francisco, she went on. The flight was delayed, but I'll spare you all that. I got to the Fairmont about eleven-thirty Friday night, and I thought I'd surprise you and just slip into bed. They gave me the room key when I said I was Mrs. Edwards.

He looked annoyed as he stubbed out his cigarette. They really shouldn't do that.

I guess not, she said sadly. It wasn't a pretty story, and telling it to him brought it all back. Anyway, I let myself into the room, and I guess, all things considered, I got lucky. You and your friend were out. At first I thought I had the wrong room, but then I recognized your briefcase and your jacket. What I didn't recognize though, was everything else. It wasn't mine, it wasn't Nicky's or Stephanie's, it wasn't Joanie's. So whose was it, Brandon? Should I bother to ask, or do we just call it quits and forget it? She sat staring at him and he looked at her in total silence, searching for words with which to answer. For a long moment, he found none.

You had no business being there, Allegra, he said at last, which truly startled her. She couldn't believe that.

Why not?

You weren't invited. Considering that, maybe you got what you deserved. I don't just show up when you go away on business. We don't belong to each other; we're not married. We have a right to our own lives.

Really? She looked at him, truly amazed at what he was saying to her. I thought we were more or less, what do they call it these days steadies? Or is that pass+¬? We're not live ins, so what are we? I thought we were both monogamous, but apparently not.

I don't owe you any explanations. I'm not married to you, he said as he stood up.

No, you're not, she said, watching him. You're married to someone else.

That's what bothers you, isn't it? The fact that I maintained my own independence. I'm not owned by you, or anyone else. You don't own me, Allegra. You never will, not you, or your family, or anyone. I do exactly what I want.

She had never understood the depths of his resentment; she had no idea that that was how he felt. I never wanted to own you. I just wanted to love you, and maybe eventually be your wife.

I'm not interested in that. If I were, I'd have gotten divorced. But I never have. Couldn't you figure that out? She not only felt hurt, she felt stupid. The message had been clear, just as Dr. Green had said, and she had ignored it. She hadn't wanted to hear it, just as she didn't want to hear it now. But they were both angry, and it was all finally getting said. And it was very painful.

You took advantage of me, she accused him from across the room. You lied to me, you cheated! You had no right to do that. I was decent to you, Brandon, that's not fair!

Fair is a lot of bullshit, who do you know that's fair in this world? Don't give me that crap. You have to look out for yourself, Allegra.

By screwing another woman when you tell me you're with your children? What kind of shit is that?

It's my life, it's my business, they're my kids. All you ever wanted was to horn in on everything, and be a part of it. I never wanted that, and you knew it.

No, I didn't, she said plaintively. I never understood that. And maybe you should have explained it, before it came to this, and we both wasted two years of our lives.

I didn't waste anything, he said smugly. I did exactly what I wanted.

Get out of my house, she said as she looked at him, and she truly meant it. You're a miserable human being, you're a liar and a cheat, and I've been carrying your emotional deadweight for the last two years. You don't give anything to anybody, not to me, or your friends, or the people you meet, or even those you pretend to care about. You don't even give anything to your kids. You're so worried that someone's going to get under your skin, or make you feel something, or ask for a commitment. You're a pathetic excuse for a human being. Now get out of my house.

He hesitated for just an instant, glancing toward her bedroom, and she stood up and walked to the front door and held it open for him. You heard me. Get out. I mean it.

I believe some of my clothes are still in your bedroom, Allegra.

I'll mail them to you. Good-bye. She stood there and waited and, looking as though he would have liked to strangle her, he brushed past her, without a kiss or an apology, a last look back, a twinge of regret, or even a good-bye. He was completely heartless, and the things he had said to her had cut right through her heart. She had heard all of them, about how he had never been faithful to her, and he had always done what he wanted. He had been selfish and cold, and all the warmth and patience in the world wouldn't have drawn him out. And the worst thing she had heard were the words he hadn't said, the fact that he hadn't loved her. But everything else he had said added up to that. Dr. Green had been right. And Allegra stood there wondering how she could have been so stupid.

She sat down and thought about it for a long time after he left, and then finally she started to cry. He was what she had said to him, a miserable, selfish human being, but she had still been telling herself for two years that they loved each other, and it hurt terribly to have been so wrong about him. She didn't even dare call Dr. Green for comfort. She didn't want to hear how she had made the same mistake again, nor hear her mother say that it was a blessing he was gone. She knew now that she was better off without him, but it still hurt terribly to realize that she had been so ill-used and so misled by him. He hadn't given a damn about her, and he had pretty much admitted it, as he sat there, smoking on her couch and destroying what was left of her feelings. She wanted to tell someone that she didn't believe it, that it was unfair, that he was a sonofabitch, but there was no one to tell. She was all alone. It was the way she had been when she met him, rejected, alone, jilted by her last lover. She thought she had learned since then, but apparently not. That was the worst part. There was no hiding from the truth now.

She lay on her bed for a long time after he left, thinking about him, telling herself that she was better off, and remembering how she had felt in his room at the Fairmont. But still, as she looked at a photograph of them in Santa Barbara the year before, when things had been going so well, and she thought she was so in love with him, she felt a sense of loss beyond measure.

She wondered if he would call her again, if he would ever tell her how sorry he was, how unfair he'd been. But she had already been there twice before, and no one ever did that. They just disappeared after breaking your heart, and moved on to do it to someone else. She had just watched two years of her life walk out the door with Brandon Edwards.

And it took all the strength she had later that night to get up and turn the lights off. As she did, she stood looking at the view, and thinking about him. She knew she could have called Jeff, and told him she was free, but she didn't want to do that. She needed time to mourn Brandon. However inadequate he may have been, or disliked by her family, she had still loved him.

Chapter 9

When Allegra went to work on Monday after her trip to New York, she looked as though she'd been through the wringer. She seemed tired and pale, and Alice commented that she looked tired and thinner.

What happened to you? she asked discreetly, and Allegra shrugged. It was still very painful. She kept thinking of what a fool she had been, and how long he must have been cheating on her. She felt like a total moron. As she worked throughout the day, she began to realize that her pride was hurt, but she wasn't so sure how devastated she was, or even how much she had loved him. That was the odd thing about it. She was sad, but she wasn't all that sorry it was over. In a way, it was a relief that it had ended. For the last week in New York, she'd been questioning her relationship with him, and she had started to see the things that other people talked about, the distance, the aloofness, the lack of intimacy, the fact that he was never there for her, which was no longer a surprise, if he had ten other girlfriends, or even one. She would never know now how many there were, or how serious they may have been. But knowing there had been any at all not only made her feel angry, but foolish.

But by midday, she was so busy with the work that had piled up on her desk that she was no longer thinking about Brandon. Bram loved the tour she and the promoters had organized. And Malachi had called from rehab, and said he wanted money, and at his wife's request she had refused him.

Sorry, Mai. Ask me again in thirty days after you detox, and we'll talk about it.

Who the hell are you working for? he asked in a fury, and she smiled, scribbling notes for her next meeting.

I'm working for you. You need to do this. She told him about his tour too, and it distracted him for a little while before he went for his massage and biofeedback. I wish I had time for things like that, she told Alice, gulping a yogurt and a cup of coffee as she went over a contract for a movie deal that had just come in for Carmen. It was fabulous, and she was going to be thrilled with it. It was a film for a very major star, and after it, she would be one for a lifetime. But when Allegra dialed Carmen's number she got the answering machine. Where the hell is she? Allegra muttered. She had tried all the numbers she had for her but nothing answered. Allegra tried to remember other names Carmen had given her, of friends, or of her grandmother in Portland. She had never disappeared that way before, and usually she called Allegra half a dozen times a day, with the most minute problems. This was extremely unusual behavior for Carmen Connors. It-seemed as though absolutely no one could find her.

There had only been one story about her in Chatter after the Golden Globes, with a picture of Allegra on Alan's arm as they got out of the car, and Carmen just behind them. The story suggested that Allegra was only a beard for them, and that there was a big romance brewing between Alan Carr and Carmen Connors. The funny thing was that, for once, they were ahead of the story.

Reading it made Allegra think of a message she'd gotten on her home machine while she was in New York, with a phone number that had sounded familiar. She dug through her briefcase for her appointment book. She had written the number, along with several others, on a piece of paper, and stuck it in there. She flipped through it for a few minutes, and finally she found it. She had missed it entirely, and as she looked at it, she recognized the number. It was Alan's number in Malibu. Carmen was staying there, and Allegra remembered he had offered her the house, and Allegra smiled to herself as she dialed the number, and Alan answered.

She had called him herself at his house in Beverly Hills over the weekend and he hadn't been there. She hadn't even thought of calling him in Malibu because he so seldom went there. And she had been incredibly stupid not to figure out that he was probably still there with Carmen.

Hi, there, she said innocently, as though she were just calling him for no particular reason.

Don't give me that, he said, laughing at her. He knew her too well. The answer is, it's none of your business.

What's the question? she asked, laughing at him. He sounded happy and even silly, and she could hear someone talking and giggling in the background, and she was sure it was Carmen.

The question is where have I been all week. And the answer is none of your business.’

Let me guess. In Malibu, with a certain Golden Globe winner this year. Am I getting warm?

You're positively boiling. She called and left you my number anyway, so you're not that great a detective. You had a clue.

Yeah, and I was too dumb to figure it out. I thought the number sounded familiar, but I didn't get it till just now. So how's life on the beach? It was good hearing his voice again. She had wanted to tell him about Brandon, but she didn't feel like talking about it now, and definitely not in front of Carmen. She didn't like sharing her personal problems with her clients. Alan was different. They'd been bosom buddies since they were children.

Life is pretty good. He was beaming. Pretty damn good. As he said it, he leaned over and kissed Carmen.

Aren't you supposed to be working? Allegra had lost track of him. His agent at CAA had done his last contract.

Not for another month or two. I'm still waiting for final word on this picture.

Well, I've got a great one for Carmen, maybe she'll beat you to it. Although she wouldn't start rehearsing till June, if she took it.

Where's it shooting? He tried to sound nonchalant about it, but Allegra knew he had a vested interest.

Right here in L.A., unlike yours, she added. His movies always seemed to be shot in god-awful, remote places. His next one was going to be shooting in Switzerland, but he'd recently been offered another one for Mexico, Chile, and Alaska. It was a great adventure film, but it was going to be a lot of work, and very rugged. His last one had been shot in the jungles of Thailand, and two of the stuntmen had been killed. Maybe now, with Carmen around, she'd at least get him to stop doing his own stunt work. Does Carmen know where you're going on the next one?

I already told her. She said she'll come with me. At least Switzerland was civilized, unlike most of the countries he worked in.

Maybe you'll finish in time to watch her do this one. It was really going to be a great movie, and Allegra was excited for her, which was why she had called her. Can I talk to her?

That's it? Fifteen years of friendship, a date for the Golden Globes, and now you're through with me like an old hankie.

Not exactly, she laughed at him, feeling better than she had all day. She still felt an odd combination of sad and stupid over Brandon, but there was something about having dealt with it and confronted him that made her feel stronger. She was tempted to tell Alan, but she wasn't ready to do it. It would take time to admit to the world that he'd made a fool of her and she'd found him out. But at least she'd ended it. That was something.

How was New York? Make any great deals there?

Some. It was fun. There was lots of snow. And skating. And kissing.

Snow's not much fun in New York. He couldn't understand why she sounded so cheerful about it.

Actually, I went skating.

You did? Uh-oh, there must be something going on. Did you have an affair with that old author you said you were going to see? What's his name? Dickens? Tolstoy?

Jason Haverton. He was terrific. And no, I did not have an affair with him, you irreverent idiot, though I liked him a lot, and he probably would have been willing.

Old guys will do anything for sex, Al. You should know that by now.

Are you doing research firsthand these days? Is that it?

Nasty, nasty. It's not nice to be rude to your high school sweetheart.

You're no one's sweetheart anymore, you know, except maybe Carmen's. Not to mention several million women around the world. But they were such old friends, it was easy for her to ignore it. Are you ever going to let me talk to her, or do I have to put up with this bullshit all afternoon? She was laughing at him; he was impossible, but she loved him.

I'll ask her if she wants to speak to you. And by the way, when are we going to see you? He made it sound as though they were married, and Allegra thought it was sweet as she listened.

Maybe this weekend, if I don't have anything else to do, which she now knew she didn't.

I said see you,’ that was singular, not plural, as in including the dead one.

Don't be rude about Brandon, she said, more out of habit than feeling. She would have liked to be very rude about him, but she wasn't ready to tell Alan.

I'm never rude about the dead. Try to get rid of him before we go out to dinner. Or maybe we'll stay here. I'll let you talk to the boss about it, he said, handing Carmen the phone as he kissed her. And at Allegra's end, there was a long silence as she waited.

Hi, Carmen said finally, sounding bouncy and happy. She had had a great nine days in total seclusion with Alan. Several people in the colony had recognized her as she walked down the beach, but no one had bothered her. There were people there who were even more famous than she was. They were used to seeing celebrities on the beach then. They saw Nicholson and Streisand and Nick Nolte almost every day, and Cher, and Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Carmen Connors was among her own kind in Malibu with Alan, and the security was terrific. I missed you, Carmen said, but she'd been busy.

I missed you too. New York was crazy, but I loved it. Guess what I've got for you though? Allegra was so excited she felt like a kid as she dangled it in front of Carmen.

I don't know. The perfume? Did you talk to them in New York?

I did. It sounds awful. You'd hate it, and you'd have to spend months in department stores selling it. Forget it. Noooo ‘ she said tantalizingly. How about a big, new, juicy movie, with a part that will win you the Academy Award or I'll eat my briefcase.

Wow! Who's in it?

You are. And she named five other stars, who took Carmen's breath away. And how about three million dollars for starring in it, for the winner of this year's Golden Globe Award? How does that sound?

I'm dying! Carmen screamed, and ran to tell Alan, and then she came back again to talk to Allegra. I can't believe it.

You deserve it, Allegra reassured her, wondering why it was that she thought everyone in her life deserved something wonderful, from relationships to movies, and she never seemed to feel that she deserved as much herself. It was an interesting question. I'd like you to come in and talk to the producers about it, Allegra told her gently.

Sure. When?

You tell me what's good for you, and I'll set it up. She glanced at her calendar. How about Thursday?

Wow! Can Alan come?

If he'd like to.

At Carmen's end, Alan was nodding. He said he would ‘ and Allie, she hesitated, but it was important to her now, maybe next time, Alan and I could do a picture together. Oh, God, thought Allegra. It was going to be one of those deals. They weren't always easy. And America's females, not to mention females the world over, weren't going to love having it rubbed in their faces that their favorite sex symbol was as good as married, and to a girl who looked like Carmen.

We'll talk about it. Those things aren't quite so simple, but it can be done. Eventually. If you're both serious about it. What she didn't want was to set something up for a cool seven or eight million dollars for both of them, or maybe ten total since it was Alan, and then have them break up, and either refuse to make the picture, or worse, kill it. Those headaches she didn't need. Let's wait awhile.

I know. You think we'll break up, Carmen said wisely. We won't. I'm sure of that. He's the most incredible man I've ever known, she said, lowering her voice conspiratorially to Allie. I can't live without him.

How are the threats these days? Quiet again?

Completely. But she also hadn't gone anywhere, and after she won the Golden Globe, surprisingly, even the tabloids had left her alone. I feel so safe here, Carmen explained to her, and Allegra smiled. Who wouldn't, with Alan? Her sister Sam was right, he was a hunk, and such a nice one.

I'm happy for you two, Allegra said sincerely.

Thanks, Allie. It's all thanks to you. Will you come to dinner and celebrate with us this weekend?

I'd love to.

Come on Saturday. On Sunday, Alan likes to go bowling.

Why don't I come on Sunday then? I'd love to beat him.

Then we'll go bowling on Saturday if you want. But come to dinner then.

Who's cooking? she teased, and Carmen giggled.

We both are. He's teaching me. And Allie ‘ She laughed excitedly again. Her life was just beginning. Thanks for the movie.

Thank the producers, don't thank me. They called me. I really think you'll like it.

I love it.

See you Saturday. Unless we meet with the producers first. Call me if you need anything in the meantime. But Alan seemed to be taking care of everything these days. She had only called once all week, and even then left a very ordinary message. Things were settling down, which was just as well. Allegra needed a little time to herself, to lick her wounds and figure out what had really happened.

And by the end of the week, all she had done was work, and see her clients. Carmen and Alan had come in on Thursday, and the deal for her new movie was as good as signed. And that afternoon, she went to Dr. Green, and braced herself for a beating. But she was pleasantly surprised. Dr. Green was proud of the way she had handled things, and her only reproach was that Allegra hadn't called her.

Why didn't you call and talk to me over the weekend? It must have been very difficult for you, after you went to San Francisco, and before you saw Brandon on Sunday.

It was, but there was nothing much to say. Mostly, I just felt terrible that he had probably been doing it all along and I was too stupid to figure it out. I kept thinking he needed time and space and love, and the truth was, he didn't give a damn about me.

He probably did care about you, Dr. Green corrected her. She had gone too far the other way now, in her anger at having been betrayed, and having found him with another woman. He cared about you, to the best of his limited abilities. That's not saying much, Allegra, but it's something.

But why was I so stupid? How could I have been such a fool for two years?

Because you wanted to be. You needed companionship and protection. The only unfortunate thing is that he was a very unwilling companion to you, and you were the one protecting him. It was a very unsatisfactory arrangement. But what about now? How do you feel about all this?

Angry, stupid, resentful, furious, independent, whole, free, sorry, not sorry at all, scared that the next one won't be any different. Maybe they're all the same, or at least the ones I find are. I think that's what scares me the most, the idea that it could happen again, and again, and again ‘ that I'm just going to keep finding lemons forever.

You don't have to, you know, and I think you learned something this time. The therapist sounded more confident than Allegra felt, which surprised her.

What makes you think that?

Because as soon as you realized what was happening, you confronted it, you brought it to a head, and you let it end there whether he ended it or you did. You did, actually, you exposed him, and he disappeared, like a little worm down a hole. But at least you didn't pretend to yourself that he was still there for you when he wasn't. That's a big step, Allegra.

Maybe, she said halfheartedly. But now what?

You tell me. What do you want? Whatever it is, you have the power to get it if you want. It's up to you, you know. You can find someone wonderful, if you want that.

I think I met someone wonderful in New York, she said cautiously, but I'm not sure. She was suspicious of him now that she was back. She was suspicious of everyone, and her memories of him couldn't be as fantastic as she remembered. He had to be just like the others, if she'd picked him.

Long-distance relationships are another way of avoiding intimacy, Dr. Green reminded her, and this time Allegra smiled at her.

He was there on business too, although he's originally a New Yorker. But he lives here now. An eyebrow immediately shot up, and Dr. Green nodded.

How interesting. Tell me about him. Allegra told her all she knew, and all she'd seen of him. And just telling her about the carriage ride and the skating made it sound unreal, even to her own ears, but as she talked about him, she really missed him. She had promised herself not to call him for a while, and she hadn't. She wanted time for the dust to settle after Brandon.

Why? Maybe he'll think you're not interested in him, Dr. Green said encouragingly. He sounds very nice and very normal. Why not call him?

I'm not ready yet. Allegra balked at the idea, and nothing Dr. Green said that afternoon convinced her. I need time after Brandon.

No, you don't, Dr. Green called her bluff. You've been making excuses for him for two years with everyone you know, and you've just spent a week kissing some man in New York every chance you got. I don't even think you're that sad over Brandon.

Allegra smiled. The doctor had her number. Maybe I'm just hiding for a while.

Why?

Scared, I guess. Allegra confessed to her. Jeff seems so terrific, I don't want to be disappointed. What if he isn't? It would kill me.

No, it wouldn't. What if he's human? How would that be? Too disappointing? Do you like him better as a fantasy, or a counterpoint to Brandon? Allegra hoped not.

I don't know what I feel for him, except that when I was with him, I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. I trusted him completely. And now that I'm home, I think that scares me.

That's understandable, but you could at least see him.

He hasn't called me. Maybe he has someone else.

Or maybe he's busy, or writing, or he's afraid to intrude since you made such a fuss about your relationship with Brandon. Maybe you owe it to him to at least tell him it's over. That might be something. But Allegra was playing a waiting game, and she wanted to see if he called her.

And as it turned out, he did, on Friday. He called late in the afternoon, and he sounded tentative when he asked for her, as though he wasn't sure he should be calling her in the office. Alice told her he was on, and Allegra took a deep breath and picked up the phone, but her hand was shaking. She felt as though the rest of her life had just begun the moment she heard him.

Allegra?

Hi, Jeff. How are you?

Better now. I know I said I wouldn't call for a while, but you've been driving me up the wall. I figured I had to, and then I'd leave you alone again for a while. I really miss you. They were the words she had sweated two years for with Brandon, and with Jeff it was all so easy. He sounded wonderful, and she felt guilty for not calling him, as Dr. Green had suggested.

I miss you too, she said softly.

How are all your kids now that you're back? Everyone behaving? Or are you fighting off death threats and crazies and paparazzi at four in the morning?

It's been a quiet week, actually. Except in her own life, but she didn't say that. What about you? How's the screenplay coming?

Miserably. I haven't felt like working since I've been back. I think you distracted me severely. There was a moment's pause, and then he asked her something he'd wondered since he left New York. How was your weekend?

It was interesting, she said coolly. We'll have to talk about it sometime. But she didn't want to discuss it in the office.

That sounds like a date in the very distant future, he said sadly. He had waited all week to call her, and she sounded so good to him now. He was dying to see her.

I don't think it is, she said quietly. She tried to force herself to be brave and remember Dr. Green's words. What are you doing this weekend? She held her breath and waited. Oh, God, don't let him be like the others’ .

Is that an invitation? He sounded stunned. What had she done with Brandon? But he was afraid to ask her and spoil the moment.

It could be. I'm having dinner with friends in Malibu tomorrow night. Do you want to come? Very informal, in blue jeans and old sweatshirts. We may even go bowling.

I'd love it. He sounded thrilled. He couldn't believe she had asked him. Can I ask who the friends are, just out of curiosity, so I don't make a fool of myself when we get there? He knew the kind of people she hung out with, and he was right.

Alan Carr and Carmen Connors, but you can't tell anyone you saw them together. They're hiding out in Malibu, to get away from the tabloids.

I'll be sure to keep it a secret, he said, laughing. There was no one in the world who would ask him. That sounds like quite an evening.

It won't be, she said happily. They're both lousy cooks, but good people. With any luck, they'll buy take-out pasta. I'll suggest it. Carmen hasn't learned to cook yet, and Alan's teaching her. It could be pretty awful. She laughed, happy just talking to him, and they chatted for a while about what the week had been like without each other.

Were things all right for you when you got back? he asked her obliquely, and she said they were. But she knew what he was asking her. He wanted to know about Brandon, but it seemed so awkward to tell him on the phone. She really didn't want to. It would be easier to tell him on Saturday, before they went to Alan's.

They talked for a few more minutes, and then they hung up, and she thought about him constantly for the rest of the evening. She had planned to go to her parents' for dinner that night, until she found out they were going out, and she went home and made scrambled eggs for herself, and thought about Jeff, and Brandon. She didn't want to make the same mistake again. She didn't want to believe that someone was what they weren't.

And she was very quiet when Jeff arrived at her house on Saturday, looking immaculate in faded, pressed blue jeans, a crisp white shirt, and a blazer. He still looked very Eastern, and she loved it. He looked like a Ralph Lauren ad. And she was wearing white jeans and a white shirt, and a red sweater over her shoulders.

She felt shy with him at first, and he looked around, admiring her house. It was like starting all over again, until he pulled her slowly into his arms and kissed her.

That's better, he said softly. I've waited a long time for this, he whispered.

Nine days, she whispered back, and he shook his head in answer.

Thirty-four years. I've waited a long time for you, Miss Allegra Steinberg.

What took you so long? she asked as he folded her into his arms, and they sat on the couch together, admiring the view. She was totally at ease with him again, as though she'd never left him.

I don't want to be rude, he finally said cautiously, as she went to get him a Diet Coke in the kitchen, and he followed her, and looked around, admiring what she had done. But there was no sign of Brandon. Where is he?

Who? She looked puzzled as she poured his drink. They were meeting Alan and Carmen in Malibu, not at her house.

Brandon. My rival. He was curious as to what had happened and why she was available on a Saturday night. She had offered no explanation whatsoever on the phone. Maybe he was in San Francisco. Is he away?

Permanently. She smiled mischievously at him, looking like a naughty kid who's done something she shouldn't. He's gone. I guess I forgot to tell you. He stood staring at her, and then set his drink down on the granite counter.

Wait a minute. He's gone ‘ out of the picture ‘ adios ‘ and you didn't tell me? I don't believe it. You little shit! He grabbed her again, and squeezed her tight in his arms. How dare you do that to me! I've been trying to figure it out since yesterday when I called you, and you asked me to dinner. Why didn't you call me? I thought that was our deal, you'd call me if anything happened.

A lot did happen when I got back, but I needed some time to sort it out in my own mind, before I called you. He understood that, but he had agonized over her all week. He would have loved to have known that she had broken up with Brandon. And now he had a thousand questions he wanted to ask her.

What dastardly deed do I have to thank him for, if I ever see him?

Apparently quite a few I didn't know about. But the real topper was when I flew to San Francisco and showed up at the Fairmont last Friday night. That was a good one. He had a woman with him, staying in his room. And suddenly I realized that he's been doing it all along, and he pretty much confirmed that.

Nice guy. Great principles. I like that in a man. Good moral fiber. He was joking with her, but he was seething inside at what she'd been through. How humiliating, and how cruel. But in an awful way, he was glad it had happened, and so quickly. It was kismet.

The trouble is, she commented, I like all those nice things too, principles, ethics, fidelity, all that boring stuff that's out of fashion these days. And I seem to like to delude myself about people I convince myself have them. Unfortunately, I'm wrong usually. I seem to miss the call most of the time. In fact, so far, when it comes to picking losers, I've been batting a thousand.

Maybe things have finally changed for you, he said, pulling her close to him again, as he stood behind her, and felt her willowy warmth against him. Maybe your eyesight has gotten better.

Has it? She asked him cautiously, wanting answers from him, and reassurance.

What do you think?

I'm asking you. I don't think I could go through that again. This is the third one for me. Three strikes, I'm out.

No, Allegra, he said, turning her around to face him so he could look at her. You're just beginning. You're only a baby. That was all practice stuff. Now we go for the brass ring. And you're gonna get it this time ‘ you deserve it’ . Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at him, and this time when he kissed her, she kissed him back, with all her heart, and the faith that she had given so foolishly before. But he was right. This one was the biggie. He was the genuine article, and he wasn't going to fool her. To her very core, she knew it.

They sat together for a while, and she showed him around. She had the odd feeling that he would be spending a lot of time there, and she was showing him his new home. It was a funny feeling.

I love it, he said, admiring what she'd done, and the easy warmth of the place. She loved it too, and she was happy he did.

And a little while later, they left for Malibu. It took them forty-five minutes to get to Alan's. She told Jeff about him all the way there, and the pranks they'd committed together over the years, but even knowing all of that, Jeff was still startled into silence when he met them. Carmen was so incredibly beautiful, even in a T-shirt and blue jeans. She had the same breathy, sensual quality Monroe had had, but she was so much more beautiful, so much more breathtaking, that Jeff hadn't been adequately prepared to meet her. And meeting Alan was just like looking straight at a movie screen, except that he was alive and looking at you, and laughing with those perfect teeth, and incredible blue eyes, and finely chiseled features. He reminded Jeff a lot of Gable. They were quite a combination. He could just imagine it once the press got a hold of them, never mind the tabloids.

Their hosts ushered them inside, and Alan had made tamales and guacamole for them, and he served Jeff a tequila. But as hospitable as he was, there was a puzzled expression as he looked at Allegra's date for the evening, and then finally when he got her alone, he challenged her and she laughed mischievously at him.

What the hell is going on, you little holdout? Who is he? Where's the creep? Alan never spoke of Brandon in pleasant or even civil terms, because he'd never liked him. But this time Allegra didn't say anything in his defense. She was just grinning at Alan. I like this one. What did you do with the other one? Kill him?

Just about. He's been cheating on me for two years or thereabouts, she summed it up for him in a nutshell. I walked in on him with one of his sweeties, at the Fairmont last weekend. Actually, they were out of the room, but her bra and panties weren't, or her see-through nightgown.

Why didn't you tell me, you turkey? He looked hurt that she hadn't called him.

I needed time to get used to it. I don't know. She looked serious for a minute. I called you once, and you weren't home. And I felt like such a horse's ass, I didn't feel like telling anyone about Brandon. I've been licking my wounds all week.

Count your blessings, Alan said seriously, pouring her a soda. She didn't want tequila. That guy would have made you miserable for the rest of your life. Trust me. I know it.

She knew he was right now, and as they talked about it, Carmen and Jeff came in to join them.

What are you two up to? Jeff asked, putting an arm around her as she smiled coyly. What's the drill here? Do I trust you with this man? Tell me the truth now so I know what I'm up against. I'm afraid I can't compete with him. Is he a threat?

Alan laughed and was quick to reassure him. Not for the last fifteen years, I'm afraid. She was cute as hell at fourteen, but all I ever got out of her were a bunch of sloppy kisses. I hope you've at least gotten better at that, Alan told her rudely, and she shoved him.

Thanks for nothing. You used to give me beard burn, and get me in trouble with my mother all the time, you creep.

You know, he still does that. Carmen looked at her sympathetically, and Allegra laughed. It was fun being together, the four of them, and Allegra had never seen either of them as happy.

Alan made tacos and tostadas for dinner, and Carmen made Spanish rice and a huge salad. And there was ice cream and hot fudge sauce for dessert, and they toasted marshmallows in the fireplace, like kids. Then they went for a walk on the beach, and laughed and talked, and played tag as they ran in and out of the ocean as the waves lapped gently against the sand in the bright moonlight. It was a lovely evening.

When they went back inside finally, Carmen grinned at Allegra, and then at Alan. She looked up at him with her huge blue eyes, and whispered something. She was asking if she could tell them, and he hesitated, looking at his old friend, and at Jeff, wondering if the one would disapprove and the other could be trusted. But he decided he could handle either of them, and Carmen could barely keep herself from exploding with excitement.

We're getting married in Vegas on Valentine's Day, she announced, and Allegra pretended to faint and fall backward.

Cupid's dream, and a lawyer's nightmare. Her eyes met Alan's immediately, wondering if this was really what he wanted. But it seemed to be; he looked sure of her and of himself, and she had never seen him as happy. He was thirty years old and he ought to know by then what suited him and what didn't. The papers are going to kill you. I hope to hell you use another name, and you go incognito. Wear wigs, paint your faces, do anything. This is going to be the news of the century. Princess Di and Prince Charles were nothing to this, kids. Please God, be careful.

We will be, Alan assured her, and then he had an idea. Will you be our maid of honor, our witness, whatever? And then he looked at Jeff expansively. You can come too, if you can put up with her by then. We'd love to have you, Alan said generously and Jeff was touched when he said it. They were warm, genuine people, and he had had a great evening. It wasn't pretentious, or intellectual, or like any of the supposed salons in New York, but it was much more down to earth, and he enjoyed it. It was why he had come to California originally, but these people were special. He liked them both, and he hadn't been able to take his eyes off Allegra all evening. He still couldn't believe his good fortune that she'd broken up with Brandon so quickly.

And since the wedding was only two weeks away, they all talked about it for the next hour. Alan wanted to take Carmen fishing in New Zealand for their honeymoon. He had made a picture there and he really liked it. And she wanted to go to Paris, because she'd never been there.

I'll take you to New Zealand, Jeff, Alan said expansively, lighting a cigar. The girls can stay home and go shopping.

But even as they joked about it, Allegra urged them to be careful. The press were going to make their lives miserable once they figured it out. It was vital that no one suspect anything for as long as possible. How are you going to get to Vegas?

I thought we'd just drive, Alan said practically.

Why don't I rent you a bus? Bram uses a great one. I'll see if I can get it, as a gift from me. It would cost her about five thousand dollars to send them to Vegas in it, but it was fabulous, and well worth it. It was like driving in a yacht, or a private airplane. And if she rented it in her name, no one would be the wiser.

That sounds like fun, Carmen admitted, and Alan indulged her, and thanked Allegra.

Jeff and Allegra helped them clean up, and they put the dishes in the dishwasher for the maid to deal with in the morning, and Jeff and Allegra left at eleven. The moon was still bright, and he asked her if she'd like to see his house on the way home. It was only a few blocks away. She was hesitant at first, and then she nodded. It was all so new to her still, and in some ways she felt shyer with him now than she had in New York. Everything had been so rushed there. They had to take what they could, while they had it. It was a little bit like a shipboard romance, and now suddenly this was real life, and she knew they both meant it. It was more than a little scary. And she still couldn't believe Carmen and Alan were getting married.

I introduced them to each other two weeks ago, she said to Jeff incredulously, as they stopped near a small, well-tended beach house.

That's Hollywood, he laughed and yet, the funny thing was, they seemed perfectly suited to each other. Getting married a month after they met was a risky thing to do, and yet he had a feeling that it was going to work, and so did Allegra.

They're both great people. I just wish they'd move a little more slowly. It didn't surprise her of Carmen, but it did of Alan. He was usually so cautious. But maybe he sensed too that this was right for him, and he knew it. Will you really come to the wedding? she asked Jeff, as she followed him to the door of his house. He unlocked it, and turned to look at her, wondering if he should carry her over the threshold. He wanted to, but he was afraid to scare her by the seriousness of the gesture, especially with the other two getting married after a four-week courtship.

I will if you'd like me to. I've never been to Las Vegas.

Wait till you see it! she laughed. It makes L.A. look like Boston.

I can't wait, he said with a laugh, thinking about it. There were a lot of things he couldn't wait for, a lot of things he wanted to do with her, and show her. This was just the beginning.

He showed her around his house. It was small and neat, and surprisingly orderly for a writer. There were sisal rugs on the floor, and comfortable couches covered in denim. He had only rented it, but like him, it looked very Eastern. It reminded Allegra of Cape Cod, or summer houses in New England. It was perfect for him, it looked like a good place to write, and a cozy place to tuck oneself in with a book on a gray day. There was a fireplace, and several large leather easy chairs. And in the bedroom beyond, there was a large four-poster bed made of logs, and it looked very Western.

There was a huge bathroom with a marble tub and a Jacuzzi, and a big country kitchen with a table for twelve. And other than that, he had an office, and a small guest room. It was really perfect.

How did you ever find it? She was impressed. Finding a house in Malibu was like finding gold in your breakfast cereal, and just about as likely.

It actually belongs to a friend, who went back East last summer. He was happy to rent it to me, and I was happy to get it. He moved back to Boston, and I think he'll want to sell it eventually. I thought I might buy it. Right now, I just rent it. She looked around with a smile; she liked it, and it suited him. And interestingly, it was very different from Alan's, which was much more L.A., and somewhat Southwestern.

They went for a walk on the beach, but eventually the breeze drove them back in, and then they sat on the couch for a little while, cuddling and talking. It was one o'clock when she thought of going back to the city. She hated to make him drive all the way in, but they had gone to Alan's in his car, and she had no other way to get back to Beverly Hills.

That was stupid of me, she apologized. I should have met you here. I feel awful making you drive back.

I don't mind it. That's what California is all about. Driving. He was easy and good-natured, unlike Brandon, who had always been angry about something. It was so pleasant being with Jeff. It was as though they had been together for years. Like Carmen and Alan, they felt completely at ease with each other.

They kissed again. But this time, it seemed to be with more fervor. And she responded to it. It was so nice being alone with him, having time, and not having to go anywhere, or even think about anyone but each other. It was a real luxury just to be together.

I'll never go if I don't get up soon, Allegra said softly, as he kissed her again.

That's what I'm hoping, he whispered.

So am I. She laughed. But I think I should go, she said softly.

Why? Jeff asked her, as he lay down next to her on the couch, and she had no objections. They lay there together for a while, watching the fire in the fireplace that he had lit when they'd come in. It was a cozy place to be, with the ocean lapping at the sand outside, and the moon high overhead. But all Allegra could think about was Jeff as he held her. Would you think I was crazy if I told you that I loved you? he asked, as he looked at her next to him, but it all seemed so natural between them, as though this had been meant to be. It was what she had felt about him from the moment she met him at the Weissmans'.

No, I wouldn't. Does that seem odd to you? I feel as though I've always known you, like Alan.

I wish I had known you then. I'll bet you were cute at fourteen, he said, looking at her, imagining her with freckles and pigtails and braces.

Yeah, me and my sloppy kisses. We had fun then, everything was so simple.

It's simple now, Jeff said easily. It's only complicated when it's wrong, and this isn't. This is completely right, and you know it.

Is it? she asked, looking up at him, and with that he rolled closer to her and kissed her even harder. I get so scared sometimes, she confessed in the dimly lit room with the fire going near them.

Of what?

Of doing the wrong things, or being with the wrong person. I don't want to screw my life up, like ‘ like people who marry the wrong man and regret it for the rest of their lives or almost kill themselves trying to change it. I never want to have to do that.

Then you won't, he said matter-of-factly. You haven't yet, why should you start now?

I've been too scared to do the wrong thing, or the right one. And as he listened to her, he knew what was right for them, and what they both needed. It was time, there was no point torturing themselves any further. And very gently he picked her up, in her white jeans and her red sweater, and carried her into his bedroom. He laid her down gently on the big four-poster bed made of logs, and hung with denim. It was a comfortable place to be, she knew she was safe with him, and she made no move to leave or move away from him. She just lay there and looked at him, with her big green eyes, and then she responded instantly when he kissed her. And bit by bit, he stripped her clothes away, and looked at every inch of her and held her and kissed her. His tongue and his hands and his eyes feasted on her, and she on him, and they lay together and made love for hours, and she slept like a baby in his arms when the sun came up in the morning.

He got up and cooked breakfast for her, and brought it back to bed on a tray, and then he woke her gently with kisses all up and down her back, as she stirred and looked at him with a long, slow smile of pleasure. It had been a night she would never forget. He had been right. It was their time now.

She had breakfast with him, and they talked for a long time. And then they got up, and shared a long, lazy bath in the Jacuzzi, and then she walked on the beach with him. And in the distance, they could see Carmen and Alan. But before they were seen, Jeff and Allegra went back to his house and made love again. They spent a lazy Sunday afternoon in each other's arms.

And in Alan's house, Carmen was insistent.

I know I saw Allegra this morning, walking with Jeff.

They went back last night, Alan corrected her, already sounding like a husband. Allie wouldn't do that. Not yet. She takes her time about things. And I think she's still scared after Brandon.

I'm telling you, I saw them. She was sure of it, and when Jeff drove Allegra past their house late that afternoon, on their way back to town, Alan and Carmen were outside in the garden, and Alan looked surprised when he saw them.

See! Carmen said, as the pair in the car waved to them and sped past on the way back to the city.

Well, I'll be damned, Alan said, watching them. He wished them well. Jeff seemed like a good man. And Allegra deserved the best life had to offer, as far as Alan was concerned. He loved her like a sister.

Maybe we'll make it a double ceremony in Vegas, Carmen said, and she laughed as they went back inside again. But that, Alan wisely doubted.

Chapter 10

Allegra's workload was enormous at the beginning of February. She had Bram's concert tour to set up, Carmen's new movie deal, several other movie offers to negotiate for a variety of clients, and an assortment of smaller, more mundane projects to take care of for the firm. But she seemed to be smiling all the time, and Alice thought she had never seen her as happy.

Jeff dropped in to see her sometimes when he took a break, or had an appointment nearby, and whenever possible, he'd take her out to lunch. Sometimes they even disappeared mysteriously to her house in Beverly Hills at lunch time. And when she'd return to the office afterward, she had to force herself to look serious and concentrate on working. All she could think about was Jeff. She had never been this happy. They seemed to be perfectly suited to each other, they liked the same things, the same books, shared many of the same ideas and interests. He was always kind and flexible, and he had a wonderful sense of humor.

And after their first week of bliss, most of which they spent in Malibu at his cozy house, Allegra suggested he come to dinner at her parents'. She still hadn't told them about breaking up with Brandon.

Are you sure? He looked somewhat cautious. Jeff was crazy about her, but he didn't want to push things. He knew how close she was to her family, and he was afraid that his appearance with her might be viewed as an intrusion.

Don't be silly, my mom loves us to bring friends. She always had, from the time they were kids, until they were adults. They liked having their children's friends around and always made them feel welcome.

They're awfully busy people. He felt hesitant and a little nervous about getting their approval. Meeting parents had never been one of his favorite pastimes, and at his age, it made him feel a little foolish.

And I know they'd love to meet you, she said warmly, and eventually, she talked him into coming to dinner on Friday night, despite all his apprehensions.

He was wearing a blazer and slacks when he picked her up, and he looked very much the way he had when she'd met him in New York. Conservative and respectable, and very handsome. And she smiled at him as they drove to Bel Air. He actually looked nervous.

Is this because of who my father is? she teased, or just because they're my parents? It was kind of like being sixteen again and it actually amused her. She knew they were going to love Jeff, even more so since they'd hated Brandon. Her father had been indifferent to him but her mother had really disliked him. She had seen right through him.

Jeff smiled at her as they drove through Bel Air. I keep remembering how I felt when I sent my first book to him. What if he thinks that's why I'm back? Jeff looked like a kid as she laughed at him, and gave him directions.

I think he'll be able to figure it out. If not, my mother will explain it to him. She's pretty savvy.

It was an apt description of her, and Blaire was poring over the plans for the new kitchen when they arrived. They were spread all over the living room floor, and she was on her hands and knees, explaining them to Simon.

Blaire looked up, with a pencil in her hair, and smiled warmly at her older daughter. And then she looked surprised when she noticed her escort, but she made no comment.

Hi, darling, I'm showing Dad what the new kitchen will look like, she said, smiling up at Allegra, and then she stood up as Allegra introduced Jeff. She had said she was bringing someone to dinner with her, and Blaire had just assumed it was Brandon. Blaire carefully hid her surprise, but she was obviously curious about Allegra's companion and dying to ask her about him.

Simon stood up and kissed his daughter with a woebegone grin. She's showing me what the hole in our backyard will look like for six months, and the empty room at the back of the house where we used to have breakfast. It's going to be a disaster here this summer. And then he introduced himself to Jeff with a casual look of interest. He liked the fact that Jeff had a warm smile and a powerful handshake.

We met a year ago, Jeff explained. You were kind enough to see me about a screenplay I wanted to write from a book I'd written, Birds of Summer. I'm sure you see so many you can't remember, he said, looking unassuming and pleasant.

Actually, I do remember. Simon nodded his head pensively and smiled. Your ideas for the screenplay were very good, but the outline needed more work, as I recall. What book doesn't?

I've been working on it ever since, Jeff said ruefully, and then shook Allegra's mother's hand politely. He had been carefully brought up, and it showed as Allegra watched him.

Sam joined them after that, and they sat and talked for a while before going in to dinner, about Jeff's career, their new kitchen, and Hollywood vs. New York. Jeff had to admit that he missed the New York life, but there were a lot of things about living in California that he found very appealing. Allegra most of all. He had originally planned to stay for a year, and go back to New York to write his next book. He had even thought of moving to New England or Cape Cod. But before he went anywhere he had to make his movie in May and probably wouldn't be finished till September. But Allegra looked faintly concerned as he explained his plans. She'd had no idea until then that he might be leaving to move back East again and she looked crestfallen as she listened.

That's not good news, Allegra said softly as they went in to dinner. It upset her to think of his leaving now, so soon after they'd met, and everything was going so smoothly.

I can be talked out of it, he whispered, and his lips brushed her neck reassuringly.

I hope so, she answered.

And all through dinner Allegra was amused to see her mother watching them. She wanted to know who he was, and where he'd been, where Brandon was, and what this man meant to Allegra. But as long as Jeff was there, there was no way Blaire could ask her. The group was very congenial, and Allegra noticed Sam looking Jeff over as well, and afterward when they went back to the living room, her mother finally cornered her and asked some questions.

Is there something different in your life, Allegra? she asked, when Jeff went outside for a brief walk with Simon to talk about the movie business. They were talking about unions, and production values, and problems, and Blaire smiled into her daughter's eyes. She wanted to know the whole story. She had obviously missed several chapters.

What do you mean, Mom? Allegra played her along and the two women laughed, as Sam rolled her eyes. It was easy to figure out he was crazy about Allegra.

I never thought we'd see the end of Brandon, her mother said. Is he in San Francisco this weekend, or does this mean what I think it does? She didn't dare be too hopeful.

Possibly. Allegra looked like a blonde Mona Lisa. She wasn't giving anything up yet. It was too soon to issue statements. She had just wanted them to meet him.

You could have said something, Blaire chided her, as Sam lay down on the couch. She was exhausted, and she thought her sister's love life was boring, although she liked Jeff a lot better than Brandon.

He's a lot cuter than Brandon, Sam pronounced with polite interest. So what happened, Allie? Did Brandon dump you?

That's no way to ask. Blaire frowned, and then turned back to Allegra. What did happen, dear? She couldn't resist the urge to ask the question. She hoped it was nothing too unpleasant. She was just pleased that he was gone, or seemed to be. She had never thought he had really cared about Allegra. He had always seemed so indifferent to her, and so aloof, even disapproving, and the fact that he never got divorced had really disturbed them.

I guess it was just time, she said cryptically.

How long's it been? Sam asked, curious. She sensed that there was more than Allegra was telling.

A few weeks. I met Jeff in New York. She decided to throw them a bone and her mother looked pleased. She liked him, and so did Simon.

He's very good-looking, Blaire said easily, and a few minutes later, he and Simon came back in, and they were still deep in conversation about Jeff's movie.

I'd like to see your new book sometime, Simon said seriously. Actually, I'll buy it. It just came out, didn't it?

It's been out for a while. I just finished a brief publicity tour. I don't see how you have time to read, with everything you do, he said, impressed by their conversation.

I manage. Simon looked at his wife then, and Allegra saw an odd little look pass between them. It wasn't animosity, or anger certainly, it was just the faintest of chill breezes between them. She'd never seen anything like that before, and she wondered if something had bothered either of them early on, like maybe the kitchen. He hated the inconvenience, and her mother loved remodeling, so that occasionally provided some domestic friction.

Allegra didn't say anything, but when she went out to the kitchen with her mother afterward, she glanced at her carefully, and there didn't seem to be anything seriously amiss. But she had looked tired lately. She was worried about the show, and she was always much too busy.

Is Daddy okay? Allegra asked calmly, not wanting to pry. All couples had arguments sometimes, and perhaps they'd had one earlier that evening.

Of course, dear, why?

I don't know ‘ he just seemed a little cool tonight. Maybe it was my imagination.

Probably, Blaire said, unconcerned. He's furious about the garden. He likes it the way it is, and he just can't believe that what I'm doing will improve it. It was an old battle with them, and it made Allegra smile. She had thought it was something like that. It was never anything more serious with them. They had a terrific marriage. I like your friend, by the way. He's so intelligent and pleasant and easygoing. Nice-looking too. She smiled, pouring herself a glass of water. I'm awfully glad, she said, and Allegra laughed, she knew what her mother meant. She was relieved to see the last of Brandon.

I thought you would be, Allegra said to her. It was a little bit sad that everyone was so pleased that she had broken up with him. It seemed odd to her that everyone had seen all that she hadn't. This has been sort of a whirlwind with Jeff for the past few weeks. We met in New York at the home of an agent I was meeting with, and we've been together almost constantly ever since. She looked at her mother shyly then, and it touched Blaire to see it, He's so good to me’ . I've never known anyone like him ‘ except Daddy.

Oh, my, Blaire said, staring at her. This is serious. Women only compare their fathers to the men they marry.

Hardly, Mom, Allegra said, blushing in embarrassment. We've known each other for three weeks.

You'd be surprised how fast things happen when the right man comes along. Hearing her say it reminded her of Carmen and Alan, and she was tempted to tell her mother about them, but she knew she shouldn't.

They went back to the living room to join the men, and by then Sam had gone to call her friends. Jeff and Allegra stayed till eleven o'clock, and they chatted and laughed, and had a very pleasant time with her parents.

And as soon as they left, Blaire grinned broadly at her husband.

Now, come on, Blaire ‘ never mind ‘ don't get all worked up. She hardly knows him. He was chuckling, and could see in his wife's eyes all her excitement about Allegra's new romance.

That's what she said, but you're both missing the point. The guy is absolutely wild about her.

I'm sure he is, but give him a chance before you put a noose around his neck. He had meant it jokingly, but the moment he had said it, he knew he shouldn't. I didn't mean it like that, he said, trying to correct it, but it was too late. She had turned away with a small shrug. She had gotten the full gist of his meaning. He never used to make comments like that. Nor had she. But lately, she noticed that they both did. He insisted it didn't mean anything, but she knew better. There was no serious unraveling yet, but there were suddenly the slightest of frayed edges around the borders of their marriage. She thought she knew why, but she wasn't sure of it. And when she looked up at him, something distant and cold struck at her heart. It was nothing you could really define, but it was there, like a poltergeist, drifting through rooms, and wafting icy fingers along her spine as she watched him.

Are you coming upstairs? she asked quietly, the kitchen plans rolled up under her arm.

Eventually, he said, and then as he saw her face, he corrected himself. I'll be up in a minute.

She nodded and went upstairs, feeling sad about them again. There had been no major rift, no terrible tear, but lately there had been this awkward cooling between them. She wondered sometimes if it was just a stage they were passing through, a little bump in the road, or a signal that there was something really wrong. But she wasn't sure yet.

So how do you like my parents? Allegra asked undiplomatically as they drove home. They were staying at her place tonight, because it was closer.

I think they're great, he said with unabashed admiration. They were unassuming; they were warm, and charming, and involved, and a delight to be with. He told her all about his conversation on the patio with Simon. He says he wants to read my book, but I think he's just being polite. It's nice of him to offer.

He loves doing stuff like that. He's always encouraging my friends with their films, and their plays, and their new businesses. He thinks it's exciting, and it keeps him young. At sixty, he looked more than ten years younger. And then as she thought of her mother, she frowned slightly. Actually, it's my mom I'm worried about.

Why? Jeff looked surprised. She was beautiful and youthful, talented and successful, hardly someone one worried about, and she was in excellent health. He couldn't imagine why Allegra would worry about her. She looks fine.

I know, but I'm not sure she is. I think losing the Golden Globe award hit her hard this year. She's had a lot of aggravation with the show. And I don't know what it is, she tried to put her finger on her concern, but couldn't, it's just a feeling I have. She seems sad all the time, I mean underneath all the smiles and the good sportsmanship. Something's bothering her.

Have you asked her? It seemed an easy solution to him, but Allegra shook her head.

I honestly don't think she'd tell me. I asked if there was some kind of a problem with Dad, because he looked kind of serious tonight, but she says he's mad about the garden.

That's probably all it is, he reassured her. They must work awfully hard, and that has to take a toll. They're amazing people. He was the most important producer in Hollywood, and she had one of the most successful TV shows. It was quite a standard to maintain, and not surprising that none of their children had chosen to compete with them. I liked Sam, by the way. She was spectacular-looking, and so young in her views that it was actually refreshing.

So do I, sometimes. Allegra grinned. She's kind of a brat though, lately. It's not good for her to be alone with them all the time. They really spoil her. It was better for her when Scott and I were home, but that's been a while. Daddy is the original pushover when it comes to Sam, and she knows it. Mom holds a harder line, but Sam sails right on by and does what she wants. I never would have dared to do that.

I think it's always like that with the youngest kids. They get a real break after the older ones pay their dues. But she doesn't look too indulged to me. She was actually very polite.

That's just cause she thinks you're cute. Allegra grinned again.

And if she didn't?

She'd ignore you.

Then I'm nattered that she didn't.

They had reached Allegra's house by then, and they went straight to bed. They were both tired, but she loved lying there next to him, holding each other. Their caresses rarely stayed chaste, and in a short time they were overcome by passion. They were happy times, and in the morning, Allegra loved waking up next to him. Sometimes he was already up, making her a pot of fresh coffee. It seemed the perfect life to both of them. And on Saturday morning, Alan called and invited them to dinner.

What a life, Jeff commented as she served him hot breakfast rolls and sweet butter, standing naked in her kitchen wearing a white lace apron. Now, there's a picture for the tabloids, he said, pretending to snap one, while she took a sexy pose, and he pulled her down on his lap, and that had immediate results, which eventually drew them back to the bedroom.

It was noon before they got up again, and Allegra tried to decide what to make for lunch, while Jeff commented that all they did anymore was eat and make love.

Are you complaining? she asked with interest, biting into an apple.

God, no. I love it.

So do I. And then she remembered Alan's invitation. What do you want to do about dinner tonight? Do you want to go? She didn't want to push him. She was sure he had his own friends, but he had actually hit it off beautifully with Alan and Carmen, which delighted Allegra.

Actually, I'd like to go, he said, sharing the apple with her. It was a big, juicy one, and after he took a bite of it and swallowed, he kissed her. Their lips tasted like apple, and their kisses almost took them back to the bedroom.

We're never going to get anything done if we keep this up, she said, and then laughed at her pun, while he kissed her neck and held her. Never mind, I'll call Alan.

They agreed to go to Alan's house in Malibu, and they said that maybe after that they'd go bowling. When they arrived at seven o'clock, Carmen was cooking pasta this time, and Alan was making the sauce, pretending to sing Italian opera. They all laughed, and Jeff put on some music.

It was a beautiful, balmy night, and they almost decided to eat outside, but in the end they didn't. Instead, they sat around the kitchen table, and all complained about having eaten too much. Alan's sauce on the fettuccine had been delicious.

I'm going to have to start starving again pretty soon, he said with a groan. We start rehearsals the end of March here, and then we start shooting in mid-April. We're going to Switzerland, to play in the Alps, like little mountain goats. It was another wild adventure movie, with a meaty part for him. And they were paying him an absolute fortune.

Isn't that going to be dangerous? Carmen asked, looking worried.

Not unless I slip, he said, teasing her, but she didn't look amused, and then Allegra heard her say that she wanted to go with him. It was going to be difficult if she insisted on following him to the set; women who did usually became a major nuisance. And Alan was too independent to put up with it, and most of his locations were far too rugged for Carmen.

You're going to be shooting in June anyway, Allegra said, trying to distract her. You won't have time to go with him.

I could stay for six weeks till we start rehearsals.

I'd love that, Alan said, encouraging her, and Allegra was almost sure he'd be sorry for it. But the conversation moved on to other things, and after dessert, banana splits this time, perfect to kill everyone's diets, Alan suggested that they go into town and go bowling. He loved hanging out in bars, playing Ping-Pong or shooting pool, just being one of the folks. And bowling was one of his favorite pastimes. Eventually he convinced them all to go, and they were all laughing and talking as they drove into Santa Monica in his Lamborghini. It was actually an armored car, built as a tank, especially for an important Arab. There had been only a dozen or so made, and he had found a bright, shiny red one in San Francisco. The inside was all burl wood and glove leather. It drove like a Ferrari, and could supposedly ride over a sand dune at a hundred and eighty miles an hour. It was one of Alan's favorite toys, and he loved it. It was a lot more conspicuous than his old Chevy truck, but it was a lot more comfortable too, and had an elaborate stereo system. And every time someone looked at it, they honked in admiration.

Where did you get this thing? Jeff asked. He had never seen another car like it.

Up north. It was built for a Prince in Kuwait, and he never picked it up. It's completely bulletproof, and the sides are totally armored. It was a wonderful machine and Alan really enjoyed it, more for its speed and flash than for its protection.

They parked it outside the Hangtown Bowl, and went inside to rent shoes and reserve a lane. And they were surprised to see that the whole bowling alley was unbelievably crowded. They were told there would be a wait, but they decided to have a beer and be good sports about it, and twenty minutes later they had their lane, and they got down to it in earnest.

Alan was pretty good, and Carmen was lousy but she always had a good time, Allegra could hold her own, and Jeff was a good match for Alan. They were well suited to play the game, and none of them took it quite as seriously as Alan. He loved to win, and always nagged Carmen to pay attention.

I am, baby, I am, she said, and as she said it, Allegra noticed that people were watching. They hadn't been aware of it, but people had slowly gathered around, and it was obvious that they had not only recognized Alan, but Carmen.

Hi, Carmen said to one of them, completely unaware of what she looked like. She had on skintight white jeans, and a tight white T-shirt that probably showed off too much of her figure. The ugly turquoise and brown bowling shoes completed it incongruously, but in spite of the shoes, she looked like a beauty queen, and several of the men looked as though they'd had too much beer and would have loved to grab her.

Alan was quietly aware of it, and maneuvered her between himself and Jeff, but they were watching him too, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw a hoodlum with slicked-back hair start talking to Allegra.

She was completely cool, and made very little of it. He asked about the car outside, and she said they had rented it for the evening. There were specialty dealerships in L.A. where you could rent hot rods or Rolls-Royces or antique Bentleys. You could rent almost anything, and it was perfectly conceivable that the Lamborghini outside had been rented.

She thinks she's pretty slick, don't she? another guy asked Allegra as he eyed Carmen, who was trying to ignore him and concentrate on her game. We know who she is. What does she think, she's just slumming for tonight? That's pretty crappy. Allegra didn't say much and moved away, but she didn't want to piss them off further. Both of them were drunk, and they were beginning to catch the attention of the others in the bowling alley. Then all of a sudden a woman asked for an autograph, and then a few more, and suddenly there were dozens of people pressing Carmen against a table. And before Alan could turn around, some guy had grabbed him and thrown a punch, but he was too drunk to connect, and by using a neat karate move he had learned from the stuntmen on his last set, Alan sidestepped him completely.

But Allegra knew all too well what the rest of this movie looked like. She'd been around it for too long not to know when they were in trouble. And with a single stride away from Jeff, she walked to a pay phone and dialed 911. No one even noticed her as she told the officer at the other end who she was, where they were, who her companions were, and what had happened.

It's about to turn into a bar fight, she said calmly, and Miss Connors could get hurt. There's a mob here of about a hundred guys about to grab her.

We'll be right there, he said, giving rapid orders to someone on a radio. Stay on the line, Miss Steinberg. How's Mr. Carr?

Holding his own for the moment. She kept an eye on them from where she stood. No one else had thrown a punch after the first one, but there was a seething mob closing in on them, of people who wanted to be with them, touch them, strip them, press them, be them. And as she kept an eye on what was happening, Jeff saw what she was doing. He tried moving closer to her, but she could see that he was afraid to leave Carmen, there were too many men pressing her, touching her, and someone was trying to rip a sleeve off her T-shirt.

But as Allegra watched, three policemen strode purposefully through the bar and into the bowling alley. They could see what was going on, and they were wielding billy clubs and not willing to take any nonsense. One went straight to Carmen, and another spoke to Alan Carr, and within minutes they were keeping the crowd at bay, but people were still ripping at Carmen's hair, trying to grab her clothes, pulling her toward them. It almost became a tug-of-war between the thugs and the policemen. It took two of them to free her from what felt like human quicksand, and as they did, a woman screamed and threw herself into Alan's arms, begging him to kiss her. She was young and drunk and overweight, and this was her life's dream, being this close to Alan Carr, just as tearing Carmen's clothes off seemed to be every man's dream in the bar. It took all three of the policemen to get Carmen, Alan, and Jeff free and clear, and they moved together to leave the bar. Allegra tried to join them, but just as she reached them, one of the billy clubs shoved Allegra back, and the crowd closed again between them. Jeff was beckoning frantically, but she couldn't get through, and he was trying to fight his way back to her with no success, and no cooperation whatsoever from the throng of fans who had become crazed with lust and excitement.

Allegra! Jeff was shouting at her. She could see him, but she couldn't hear him. She's with us! he shouted at one of the policemen for help, and together they forced their way back, and put their arms around her, pushing her toward the door, again just behind Carmen and Alan. And outside, there was yet another patrolman. Alan's hands were shaking as he opened the car, and the four cops surrounded them as they got in, and then they locked the doors, and the officers waved at them to go as quickly as they could. It was all over, and they'd barely had time to thank them.

In the rearview mirror as they pulled away, Alan could see it becoming an angry mob, cheated of the objects of their affection.

God, does that happen to you guys all the time? Jeff said, trying to straighten his shirt and jacket. They all looked as though they'd been shipwrecked. All of their clothes had been torn, their hair was tangled, Alan's hat had been ripped off and stolen along with his dark glasses, and Jeff had actually lost one of his loafers. How do you stand it?

Carmen was crying a little bit, and Allegra was consoling her. It was the nature of the beast that loved them. It half hated them too. It owned them, and devoured them, and eventually, if they weren't careful, it destroyed them.

It's scary stuff, Allegra said gently. It always unnerved her, and Carmen hated it. It terrified her.

They're like animals. Did you see those guys? she said, with tears running down her face as she looked at Alan. They would have raped me. One of them kept grabbing my boobs, and I swear someone kept trying to slip a hand into my pants. They're disgusting. She looked like a total innocent as she complained about the invasion. They had been a hungry, lusting, angry mob. Angry that they didn't completely own them. They wanted to take those people home, to be part of them, to touch their bodies and their lives, to be them. I'm not going bowling ever again, Carmen said, looking like a kid. I hate that shit.

So do I, Alan admitted. Who doesn't? But he liked to go bowling. It was why so many stars had bowling alleys in their own homes, and sports arenas, and skating rinks and movie theaters, because they couldn't go anywhere, they couldn't go out with their kids, they couldn't do any of the things normal people took for granted.

You should see what Bram Morrison goes through at his concerts, Allegra said consolingly. Jeff was still in total admiration of her having had the presence of mind to call 911. But she had seen a lot of that and she knew what she was doing. She sensed almost instantly when it was going wrong, and it usually did, especially when it involved a woman. She had warned Carmen of all of that, told her what to do, had hired someone to teach her to defend herself, but it was still terrifying when you had to face it.

Thanks for calling the cops, Al, Alan said, sounding faintly depressed. There was always something degrading about being mauled like that, even if the reasons for it were originally well-intentioned. But as they went home that night, Allegra could tell that it had made a big impression on Jeff, and in the end, it had put a damper on the evening. Alan dropped them off at Jeff's house a few minutes later, and told them he was sorry the night had been such a bomb. But Jeff and Allegra said they understood, and were sorry too, and thanked Alan and Carmen for dinner.

I don't know how those poor people live like that. Can they ever go out? Normally, I mean, Jeff asked, after Alan had driven off with Carmen.

They go to premieres, but they have to be careful there too. At big, publicized events, they run a tremendous risk of serious attacks, the kind of things that people don't always survive. You can really get hurt in mobs like that. And the rest of the time, if you try to get too normal, it turns out like tonight, unless you go someplace like Spago. That's different, she smiled. It was her favorite restaurant and always full of stars. No one would have dared bother them there; they just admired them from a distance.

But at a place like the bowling alley there were no boundaries. And sometimes it got rough. But Allegra handled it remarkably. She had seen it for years, when she was with her parents. They had never had that kind of fame, because they were on the other side of the camera, but the people they knew, their stars, always went through what Jeff had witnessed tonight, and so did her clients.

It scared the hell out of me losing you in that crowd, he said as they walked into his bedroom and took their clothes off. There was something seamy just about having their clothes half torn off. And then Jeff laughed, looking at his own stocking foot. Poor jerks, they probably think my shoe is Alan's.