the Wedding (2000)

And when they walked back to the house, Mrs. Hamilton was waiting for them on the porch, and there were two pitchers of iced tea and lemonade. There was no wine, and no sign of anything alcoholic, not that Allegra missed it. Allegra sat down in one of the old wicker chairs, and talked to her about the house and how long they'd had it. It had belonged to her husband's aunt and they had inherited it when she died thirty-nine years before, before Jeff was even born. He had come here all his life, she explained, and one day it would be his, she said wistfully, and then her face hardened.

I'm sure he'll sell it.

Why would you say that? He looked hurt that she'd think he was so unsentimental.

I don't imagine you'll be living in the East again, will you? she asked coldly. Now that you're marrying someone in California. It was an accusation, and there were no good wishes attached to it.

I have no idea where we'll be living, he said diplomatically, not wanting to hurt his mother's feelings. But to Allegra, that looked impossible, she looked as though she were encased in armor. She had never met anyone like her, and she was completely different from Allegra's parents. I'll be finished with the movie in September, before the wedding. And I'm about to start a new movie. Who knows where we'll wind up? He smiled vaguely and Allegra stared at him. What was he talking about? She practiced law in California, and her particular brand of entertainment law couldn't be practiced anywhere but in Hollywood, and he knew that. But his mother seemed unimpressed with what he'd said anyway, and a few minutes later they were called in to lunch, and it was a stiff, awkward meal with Lizzie serving and Jeff and Allegra struggling for conversation.

But afterward, as they walked down the beach again, Allegra asked him what he'd meant when he told his mother he didn't know where they'd live.

What I do is not exactly transportable, you know. I have a very specific kind of practice. He had really worried her with what he'd said and he knew it. But he'd been trying to humor his mother.

I didn't want my mother to feel that her only son had abandoned her forever. But aside from that, you really could practice in New York if you wanted to. There's Broadway, and certain elements of the music business, and some degree of television.

Yeah, like news. Jeff, be real. What I do only exists in L.A. I'm a show business attorney.

I understand that, but you could broaden your horizons if you wanted to. He was sounding stubborn, and she was panicked.

It wouldn't be broadening, it would be narrowing, she said uncomfortably. I'd lose more than half my practice.

And all those two A.M. phone calls. People in New York don't do things like that. They're more businesslike, he said, while she suddenly began to wonder who he had become in Southampton.

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying to me, but I want you to know that I love my work, and I don't intend to give it up and move to New York. That was never part of the deal with us. What are you talking about suddenly?

There was a long silence, and he looked at her cautiously. I know you love your work, and you're good at it. But I'm from the East, and it might be nice to know that one day we could come back here, if we ever decided that that was what we wanted.

Is that what you want? He had never said that to her as clearly. I thought you were trying to adjust to L.A., and you understood that when you married me, we would live there. Is that no longer okay with you? Because if it isn't, maybe we need to talk about that now, before one of us makes a terrible mistake here. She was panicking, listening to him; this was not a fun weekend.

I understand. I know you feel rooted in L.A., Allegra, he said slowly, and she snapped at him.

Stop humoring me, dammit. I'm not a child. I get it. But I'm not moving to New York, and if that's the big surprise here, then maybe we need to reconsider what we're doing. Maybe we should just live together for a while, until you figure out how you feel about California.

I like it very much, he said, looking strained. He had gotten in over his head and he knew it. But this wasn't an easy weekend for him either. He knew how difficult his mother was, and how unwelcoming she was being. Look, this isn't about you giving up your career. It's about having options. And I didn't want her to feel I would sell this house the minute she died, God forbid. It means a lot to her, and who knows, maybe we could bring our children here in the summers. I'd like that. He looked at her apologetically, and she backed down gracefully, although for a minute she'd had her claws out.

I'd like that too. I thought you were trying to tell me you expected me to move East as soon as we were married.

No, let's wait a month or two, okay? Like maybe by November. He chuckled. I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to threaten you. I know how hard you work and what a good job you do. You'll be a senior partner in no time, unless you start your own firm. I don't know ‘ old Easterners give it up slowly. I never told myself I was moving away for good. I just told myself, and everyone else, that I was coming out to do one screenplay, and now, maybe another ‘ and then I'll write a book there. And one day I'll notice that I've been there for twenty years. But it kind of happens gradually, you don't just throw away your Eastern-ness in five minutes.

You never will. She kissed him as they headed across the dunes back to the house. She liked the idea of having it for her children one day, especially without his mother. You still look preppie, she teased him.

How am I supposed to look?

Just the way you do. She kissed him again, and saw his mother watching disapprovingly from the porch. She seemed to have only one speed, and it wasn't happy. And Allegra had noticed that being around her seemed to put a strain on both of them, he because he felt he had to carry the ball for everyone, and she because she thought she had to win Mrs. Hamilton's approval.

Be careful you don't burn, she warned Allegra, with her fair skin, as they helped themselves to lemonade on the porch.

Thank you, Allegra said politely. I use sunscreen.

She watched her son's fianc+¬e as Allegra sat in a comfortable porch swing with the cool drink and sipped it.

I hear your entire family is in show business ‘ Allegra, she said as though she couldn't believe it.

Except for my brother. She smiled pleasantly at her future mother-in-law. He's in pre-med at Stanford. It was the first thing that brought a genuine smile to her lips since they'd arrived on Friday.

My father was a doctor. Actually, almost my entire family, except my mother, of course. They were all physicians.

Scott wants to be an orthopedic surgeon. The rest of us seem to be trapped in show business,’ as you put it. My mother writes, directs, and produces. She's enormously talented. My father is a movie producer. And I'm an entertainment lawyer.

What exactly does that mean? She stared at her as though Allegra had come from another planet and only appeared to be human.

It means I hold a lot of hands, and get a lot of phone calls at four in the morning. She looked shocked by what Allegra had said, and aimed her next question at her.

Is everyone that rude in show business?

Only when they get arrested, she said matter-of-factly, enjoying the shock value of what she had just said. Mrs. Hamilton deserved it. She deserved a lot of things, Allegra had decided by then, most of all a good shaking. She was the least hospitable, least pleasant, least warm woman she had ever met. And she felt sorry for Jeff now. Clearly, he had only his father's genes and none of his mother's.

Do a great many of your clients get arrested? She was wide-eyed, and even Jeff was amused. But Allegra wasn't.

Some. That's why they need me. I bail them out of jail, write their wills, do their contracts, reorganize their lives, help them with their problems. It's very interesting and I like it.

Most of her clients are very big movie stars, Mom. You'd be impressed to know who. But he didn't offer, it seemed more exotic not to.

I'm sure it's very interesting work. And you have a sister as well?

Allegra nodded, thinking of poor Sam and her big stomach and the baby she'd have to give up in August. Yes, she's seventeen. She's still in school, she said, not and she models occasionally, and gets knocked up. Allegra almost laughed at that one. She's going to UCLA in the fall, as a drama major.

It sounds like an intriguing family. There was a brief silence for a moment then, as the porch swing squeaked, and the next question almost knocked Allegra right off it. She had never expected her to be so blatant. Tell me, Allegra, are you Jewish? Jeff looked like he was going to fall right out of his chair as he watched Allegra answer.

Actually, no, Allegra said coolly. I'm Episcopalian. But my father is, and I know a lot about it. Did you want to know something about Judaism? she asked politely, but Mrs. Hamilton wasn't buying. She was a shrewd old cow and she didn't give a damn if Allegra liked her. It was horrifying to Jeff as he listened.

I didn't think you were she compounded matters further with absolutely no concern you don't look it.

Neither do you, Allegra told her calmly. Are you? Jeff almost choked, and he had to turn away so his mother couldn't see him laugh. She looked totally shocked, for once. No one had ever asked her that question.

Of course not. Hamilton} Are you mad?

I don't think so. Why not? Allegra seemed totally matter-of-fact, and his mother still didn't get it, but Jeff did. And he was mortified.

I take it your mother's not Jewish then, she pressed on, relieved at least that her eventual grandchildren wouldn't be tainted. But even at that, she was half Jewish because of her father.

No, and neither is her father, Jeff stepped in, and decided to put his mother out of her agony, and theirs from listening to her. He felt as though he were betraying Allegra, but for his own sake, he had to. Allegra's real father is a doctor in Boston named Charles Stanton.

Why in heaven don't you use his name then? She stared at Allegra in disapproval.

Because I hate him. And I haven't seen him in years, Allegra said calmly. Four years of therapy had done something. It was the most disgusting conversation she had ever participated in, and she was about to say so. Frankly, after what I've seen in my family after all these years, I'd want to bring my children up Jewish. My brother and sister are, and I think it's a wonderful thing for anyone. Jeff thought he was going to have to revive his mother, and he shot Allegra a look, which she gave right back to him. He had sold out just to shut her up, and he knew it. But his eyes said, okay, okay, but you know I didn't mean it the way it sounded. But she was going to give him a hard time about it anyway. His mother was not only stiff and unpleasant, with ice water in her veins, she was also anti-Semitic. How in hell had Jeff even turned out human?

I assume you're joking, she said coldly, and changed the subject, and they both let her. A little while later, Allegra and Jeff went upstairs and changed for dinner. They went to their own rooms, but as soon as he was dressed, and could slip out of his room unobserved, he went to Allegra in the guest room.

Before you hit me over the head with a chair, I want to apologize. I know I sold out, just to keep her quiet. I always forget how limited she is about things like that. Hell, she belongs to a club where they haven't let Jews in for two hundred years. To her, that's important.

It was important to Hitler too, and his friends. This is different. It's petty and stupid, and social.’ She thinks it makes her aristocratic to hate everyone who's not like her. It doesn't mean shit. And you know I don't feel that way. I don't care if you bring our kids up Jewish or Buddhist. I love you, whatever your name is. It's going to be Hamilton anyway pretty soon, so why worry about it? His mother made him desperately uncomfortable, and she could see it. She actually felt sorry for him, and she wasn't nearly as mad as she knew she should be, on Simon's behalf. It was mostly pathetic.

How did you ever stand it here, Jeff? She's not exactly open or warm, or easy to deal with.

She used to be, he tried to defend her, or at least a little bit more anyway. She got all closed up when my father died she was miserable without him. But Allegra could never imagine her much more open than she was now. She was a viper.

Weren't you lonely being with her? Allegra couldn't imagine how he stood it.

Sometimes. One gets used to it. Her whole family was like that. They're all gone now.

What did they do when they got together, make ice cubes?

She's not as bad as all that, he said, zipping up Allegra's black linen dress, just as his mother knocked, and he knew he shouldn't be there. He slipped into the bathroom after signaling Allegra not to give him away. And she opened the door to his mother, who had come to tell her dinner was served, and perhaps to atone for her earlier comments, she told Allegra she looked very pretty. The truth was she liked her much better now that she knew her real name wasn't Steinberg.

Allegra followed her downstairs to dinner, and Jeff seemed to appear from nowhere. And miraculously, they survived the dinner, mostly by staying on safe subjects, like art, and European travel, and opera. It was the most boring conversation Allegra thought she'd ever had, and fortunately after dinner, Mrs. Hamilton went to bed. That night they went out to the beach and swam, and then they lay on the sand, and he held her.

You haven't had much fun here, have you?

She rolled over on her back and sighed in the moonlight. Did he want her to be honest or not? She was quiet while she was deciding.

It was different. It was the most diplomatic thing she could think of.

Very different from your family, he acknowledged. He felt guilty now for having brought her, but she did have to meet his mother. Your family is so warm and affectionate and outgoing. Everyone's always talking and laughing, and telling some crazy story. I loved being with them from the first moment I met them. He looked ashamed now of his mother. Even he had to admit that she'd been awful to Allegra. But looking at him, seeing how badly he felt, she suddenly didn't mind it.

She reminds me a lot of my father. I don't mean that nastily. But it's that same Eastern, uptight, upper-class inability to feel or express or give. It's all about constant disapproval. He has never approved of me once in my entire life. And it used to kill me. Now I don't care. And she's the same way. I would have to fight and beg and crawl for her approval, if I wanted it, and I'd probably never get it. All the fun for those people is in the withholding. It's a special art. And she's got it down pat, just like he does.

She used to be hard on me too, but nothing like she was with you this weekend. I've never seen her like this, he confessed, miserable about how his mother had behaved with his fianc+¬e.

I'm a big threat, Allegra reminded him. I've stolen you away from New York, and now from her. She doesn't have much else. It was understandable, but it didn't make Allegra like her any better. Maybe she'll warm up later, she said, more to cheer Jeff up than because she believed it.

They slept in the pink guest room together again that night, but this time he set his alarm for seven-thirty, and went back to his own bedroom where he showered and dressed and then packed. And then he woke Allegra. Enough was enough. They had done what they came for. He had booked them on an early flight. And after he got Allegra down to breakfast in her seersucker pantsuit, he told both women that they were leaving. He said they had to be on a one-o'clock flight, which meant they had to leave Southampton at ten o'clock that morning. He explained to them that he had called the director and they were having trouble with the movie, so Jeff had to return early.

What's wrong? Allegra asked, looking upset for him. She had slept like a baby, and she felt resilient again, and able to take more abuse from his mother. But as soon as she left the room, Jeff whispered to Allegra that they were leaving because they'd been there long enough and they had done their duty. Even he couldn't stand it a moment longer.

Are you sure? she whispered, leaning over the cinnamon rolls, and he nodded. She didn't want to tear him away from his mother, but he was far more anxious to leave than she was.

As they left, Jeff gave his mother the wedding date again, and told her they were expecting to see her there. And Jeff hugged her tight, and she almost responded but not quite, and he gave a little bonus to Lizzie, and then Allegra almost fell over laughing when she saw the car come for them. He had ordered the longest limousine they had. It was long and white, and it had a bar, TV, and God only knew what else inside, and Mrs. Hamilton looked as though she wanted to die rather than have it in her driveway. But Jeff looked quite happy about it.

We use them all the time in California, Mom. We'll try and get you one for the wedding, he said with a straight face as he kissed her good-bye again. He handed their bags to the driver, and then they took off with a last wave, and she stood, looking like a tragic figure in her driveway. Allegra had understood correctly that she was the loneliest woman alive, but she was also the meanest. And to Allegra, she wasn't worth the trouble.

Jeff had a history with her, but Allegra knew she never would. And she also knew that after this weekend Jeff would never push her to it. They had done their best, they had paid their respects, but it was hopeless.

I was thinking, Jeff said quietly, as they drove back toward the expressway, maybe we should have yarmulkes at the wedding.

You're disgusting and irreverent. ‘ Will you stop? And how could you get this car? She laughed at him. Have you no respect for anything? She accused, but they were both laughing and he was kissing her, and he was dying to get her home and make love to her. Only his real sense of propriety kept him from making love to her in the outrageous white limo.

But they both acknowledged silently, by the way they clung to each other and the way they cuddled, that it had been a hideous weekend.

I'm sorry, Allegra. I don't know why I didn't realize what it would be like. I must have had denial. Maybe I should go to Dr. Green for a while, to pay penance.

I think it's remarkable you survived her for all these years, Allegra said admiringly. Mary Hamilton was the coldest woman she'd ever met. And Jeff was completely different.

I've never paid a lot of attention to her, and my father was a lot like Simon.

That must have saved you, she said matter-of-factly.

They talked about other things all the way back, and they both wanted to kneel and kiss the ground when they got back to California, not to mention when they got to Malibu. And the first thing they did was tear each other's clothes off. They never even made it into bed and wound up on the couch in the living room, and he had never made love to her with such fervor. The repressive atmosphere they'd been in for two days had almost driven them crazy. And Allegra had never been as happy in her life, to be home again, to be away from there, and for a while anyway, to have seen the last of his mother.

Chapter 17

On Monday morning, after their weekend in New York, Jeff left for the set at three A.M., as usual, and Allegra went through a stack of faxes and papers. They were both in high spirits and happy to be back, especially after the night before. But Allegra frowned when she came across an urgent fax from Carmen's producer. He said that she was so depressed she could barely function on the set. And on Friday, she had gone completely berserk over the story in the tabloids about the abortion.

It was six o'clock by the time Allegra read the fax, and she knew that Carmen would already be on the set by then, or was supposed to be, and Allegra decided to drive over and see her.

She organized her paperwork to take it with her to read on the set, if necessary, and by six-thirty, she was gone. At seven, she was sitting with Carmen. But it was just as the producer said. Carmen was a disaster. She had sat home all weekend and cried over the tabloid story, and she was still in a deep depression about losing the baby.

You need to see a therapist, Allegra said calmly, as Carmen blew her nose for the thousandth time that morning.

They can't change anything. My baby's still gone, and these awful people print lies about me.

They print lies about everyone. You can't let that ruin your life and Alan's. You have to show them you don't care, and you have to show Alan you can take it. Do you think he wants to be stuck with a wimp for the rest of his life, who's buckling at the knees every time someone takes a potshot at you? Carmen, that's pathetic. She gave her a pep talk for hours, and watched her on the set. She was depressed, but she was still doing a good job whenever she was on camera. They had to give her that much.

Allegra was still there at ten o'clock, when someone came to tell her, on the closed set, that there was an urgent call being put through by her office. When she took the call in a soundproof room, it was Alice on the line. She said that she had an emergency call from Delilah Williams, the wedding consultant.

She's calling me here} Allegra asked in disbelief.

No, I am, Alice apologized. But she said it was an emergency of the highest order.

Is she out of her mind?

It sounds like a good possibility. Shall I put her through?

All right. As long as I'm here, go ahead, but don't track me down for her again, just take a message.

Allegra? The giant crane in purple intoned into the phone, sounding more ominous than anyone Allegra had ever heard. You haven't answered a single one of my phone calls. Her reproach was that of an irate lover. I know nothing about the cake, the tent, the music for the church, or the reception, for that matter, nor the color for the bridesmaids. She was clearly outraged. But not nearly so much as Allegra, who was absolutely livid.

Do you realize that you've called me on a closed set? Do you have any idea how inconvenient, not to mention inappropriate, that is? And the reason I haven't called you is that I've been too busy getting clients out of jail, into concert tours, and up on their feet for their movies. And the last thing I need is you bugging me about the bridesmaids.

Do you even know who they are yet? She sounded incensed, but Allegra was more so. She had work to do, and clients to take care of. She couldn't be bothered with this nonsense.

I have chosen the bridesmaids, Allegra conceded to her, unable to believe that this was their conversation, and it had been considered an emergency of the highest order. Did that refer to the cake, or the music? I'll have my secretary send you a list of the bridesmaids' names, Allegra said darkly, furious at having to be bothered.

We need to know their sizes, Delilah Williams said with equal determination. She was used to dealing with people like Allegra, doctors, lawyers, psychiatrists, celebrities, actresses, none of them capable of putting on a wedding they all thought they were too busy and important to plan one. But she could do it for them, and make them behave, if she had to. Do you have their sizes? she said in a voice that Allegra thought only female impersonators could muster.

Please have my secretary ask them.

Certainly, Delilah said, satisfied now with the communication. I can't believe you haven't found a dress yet, by the way. You'll really have to try harder.

I'm going back to work, Allegra barked at her, frustrated by how much the woman got on her nerves. She didn't want to be rude to her, but there seemed to be times when there was no option.

As soon as they hung up, she called her mother at the show, and she realized she was trembling when she heard her mother. If you don't call that woman off, Mom, I'm going to kill her.

What woman? The only one she could think of who deserved that, in her mind, was Elizabeth Coleson. But she didn't think Allegra knew about her.

What do you mean what woman?’ I mean that buzzard you unleashed on me to plan the wedding. I'd rather hold it in the park and hand out hot dogs and Twinkies than have this woman call me on a closed set to discuss the music and the cake, and the color for the bridesmaids.’ Mom, you can't do this to me.

Just trust me, dear. She'll do a beautiful job, and you'll be so happy. It was nearly impossible to imagine, and Allegra rolled her eyes, said good-bye to Blaire, and went back to Carmen.

Everything okay? For once, she looked concerned about something other than her own problems.

You wouldn't believe it, Allegra said, overwhelmed with exasperation.

Try me.

The wedding coordinator my mother hired was calling to bug me.

What? Carmen looked amused as she changed her makeup. Wedding coordinator? What's that?

What I did when I bought the wigs, and the polyester clothes, and the plastic bouquet for Vegas.

Is that what she's doing for you? Carmen looked amused for once and Allegra laughed.

I hope not. You never know though. You two were so smart to go to Vegas.

You can too, you know, she said. They had all loved it, and it seemed to make more and more sense for her and Jeff to do it too and avoid the whole wedding.

It would probably break my mother's heart, if I cheated her out of a wedding. But it would have been worth it, not to see Mary Hamilton again. In some ways, it was a powerful temptation.

In the end, she stayed with Carmen until lunch, and then went back to her office to get organized and sign some documents. She had to be at Suzanne Pearlman's office at two-thirty. They were meeting another set of parents, who had flown in from Chicago. It amazed Allegra now to realize how people flew around the country, looking for babies, interviewing girls who wanted to give their babies up, and being interviewed by them. It seemed to be a major preoccupation. But having seen how obsessed Carmen had been, over a fetus she'd only carried for two months and then lost, Allegra was beginning to understand it. It was an obsession with having, keeping, and acquiring babies.

She had told Sam she'd pick her up at home, and she drove through Bel Air on the way to Suzanne Pearlman's. Allegra was stunned by how much Sam had grown in a few days. She was seven months' pregnant and she really looked enormous. And somehow the odd contrast of it made her seem even younger.

How've you been? Allegra asked as Sam got in. She was wearing a short pink dress that accommodated the bulge, and sandals that wound up her legs, her long blond hair in pigtails, and huge sunglasses. She looked like Nabokov's Lolita.

Okay, Sam answered, with a nod and a kiss for her sister. She was grateful that she was going with her. She had already met several of the couples, and she hated doing it. It was always so awkward and she hadn't liked any of them. Maybe the Whitmans? But they weren't perfect either. How was New York?

Interesting, Allegra answered noncommittally, and Sam laughed. She knew her sister.

Uh-oh. That doesn't sound good.

It wasn't.

Was she a bitch? Yup. Totally. The human iceberg. She was really afraid that I might be Jewish. Can you believe that?

Wait till Daddy meets her. He'll love it.

I can't imagine ever seeing her again, except I know I have to. I don't know how Jeff turned out as normal as he did. It was a total mystery to her after meeting his mother.

Maybe he's adopted, she said sadly. Despite the banter, she couldn't forget where they were going or why. She was going to meet another set of prospective parents for her baby. And just thinking about it depressed her. She had tried telling Jimmy what it was like the last time she went, and this time he had offered to go with her, but she didn't think he should, and it might confuse them. They might think Jimmy was the baby's father. She was always willing to tell the prospective parents the little she knew of Jean-Luc, though it made her sound pretty flaky. He was tall and good-looking and blond, a photographer, and he was French, and about thirty. Which meant he was foreign, possibly talented, and attractive. Beyond that, she could tell them nothing. Whereabouts: unknown. She had no history to offer. They arrived at Suzanne's office ten minutes after Allegra picked Sam up, and they rode up in the elevator in silence.

She had a pleasant waiting room with artistic prints all done in cheerful colors, and there were stacks of magazines. There were two kinds: World of Interiors, Parenting Magazine, Vogue, Connaissance des Arts, Town & Country, Architectural Digest for the prospective parents, and Seventeen, Rolling Stone, Elle, Young and Modern, and even Mad for the mothers. But neither Allegra nor Sam chose a magazine, they just sat there and waited. And five minutes later, the receptionist asked them to come in. The couple from Chicago were already with Miss Pearlman.

But as soon as Sam saw them, she knew she didn't like them. They were nervous around her, and they talked a lot about the trips they liked to go on, their skiing, and their last trip to Europe. She was a flight attendant, and he was in insurance, and covered a large block of the Midwest. They didn't have kids, and they had tried in vitro fertilization, but it was too expensive in the long run, and they were tired of trying. They were stories Sam had heard a lot now.

What are you going to do with the baby when you travel? Sam asked them with a look of curiosity.

Leave it with a baby-sitter, the husband said.

Hire a nanny, the wife offered.

Why adopt a baby? Sam went right to the point, not unlike her older sister, and Allegra smiled as she watched her.

I'm thirty-eight, Janet's thirty-five, we both think it's time, he said, as though they were talking about buying a car. All our friends have kids, we live in the suburbs. They lived in Naperville, but none of that appeared to be reason enough to Sam to give them her baby. They were anything but appealing.

But do you really want one? She pressed on, and she could see that they were getting really uncomfortable with her questions.

If we didn't, we wouldn't be here, Janet said, trying to warm up to the girl, but not getting very far. They didn't like Sam either. She looked like a valley girl to them, and she seemed really pushy with her questions.

We get free tickets from the airline. We came out here for nothing, Paul said, as Sam looked at Allegra.

Are there any other questions you'd like to ask? Suzanne asked Sam. She could see that the interview wasn't going well and that Sam didn't like them.

No, I think that's fine, Sam said politely, and they went to wait in her other office. A few minutes later Suzanne came in to talk candidly to Sam and Allegra.

I hate them, Sam said bluntly the minute Suzanne walked into the room.

No kidding, Suzanne said, and laughed, lightening the moment. I figured that out myself. Why? Although she knew that too, but she was just checking.

They don't want a baby. They should buy a dog. They want to travel all the time, they get free airline tickets, they're going to dump it at the babysitter's, and they just want a kid because everyone else in the suburbs has one. Why don't they just move into the city and forget it? She was sharp. There were a lot of people out there who thought they wanted babies and really didn't. They wanted a sense of completion, or fulfillment; they wanted to put their marriage back together, or feel young again. They wanted a lot of things, but not a baby. And for them, having a baby or adopting one should not be the answer.

I won't give my baby to them, Sam said definitely, and Allegra flinched as she listened. Sam's pregnancy had suddenly become her baby. It was far more real now, and she was deeply attached to it, even if she pretended she wasn't.

I understand that, Suzanne said calmly. What about the Whitmans in Santa Barbara? They're very interested in you, Sam. They'd really like to pursue it.

I like them the best so far, she admitted, but I'm still thinking. It was like trying to put together a major movie deal with a seventeen-year-old producer, sometimes fifteen or even fourteen. Allegra was suddenly glad this wasn't her line of business.

What are you thinking about? Suzanne asked her.

I'm trying to decide if I really like them.

Why are you hesitating? This was what Suzanne was so good at. The mix and match of relinquishing mothers and adoptive parents.

I don't know, they're kind of old, Sam said honestly. They were both in their late thirties and they had never been able to have children.

They've had a lot of bad luck, Suzanne explained, more for Allegra's sake than Sam's. Sam knew this. She had come alone with her mother last time. Although Allegra usually tried to come with her, Blaire had come twice, and Simon hadn't come at all. He just couldn't do it. The prospect of his baby having one, and then giving it up on top of it, just broke his heart. He didn't want to hear it. Just seeing her right now was hard enough. She looked so swollen, like a little grape, and yet at the same time she was still so pretty, in some ways more so. Her face had filled out a little bit, and there was a softness to it that really made her look lovely.

The Whitmans are an unusual couple, Suzanne went on to explain in detail. They've had more bad luck than any adopting couple I've ever heard of. They tried to adopt two babies who were reclaimed by their natural parents before the adoptions were official. That was over ten years ago, and they decided not to try again. And then with the new technologies, they tried to get pregnant again. She's had fourteen miscarriages, and a stillbirth. Now they want to adopt again, and I really have to give them credit. But after all that, they're not quite as young as some of our adopting parents are, Sam. Maybe that's not such a terrible thing. Personally, I really like them. I think they've got an awful lot of spirit. But they were the kind of people Suzanne particularly did not want to play with. She didn't want to offer people like that babies whom mothers might eventually take back. That's why she had asked Allegra, right at the beginning, if Sam was sure about giving up her baby. But Sam was definite about it now. She had talked to Jimmy about it too. And she felt she had no other options.

Jimmy was still around a lot these days. But in her current state, her parents saw no objection to it. Sam needed friends, and Jimmy was a nice, solid boy who offered her nothing more than his friendship. He thought it was really sad that she had to give up the baby, and he said so.

What about the Whitmans then? Would you like to see them again?

Maybe. Sam was noncommittal. She had her dark glasses high on her head, and she looked like a chubby little princess. Her stomach was large and round, her legs and arms were still rail thin, and despite the bulge, she was still very graceful.

Katherine Whitman would like to be at the delivery with you, if you choose them.

Why? Sam thought that sounded disgusting.

Because she wants to see the baby born, and bond with it immediately. A lot of couples like to do that. Would you object to having John there too? He said he'd like it, but for him, it's an option. It made Allegra uncomfortable to listen to all these deals and conditions. It really was a business.

I don't want him there. I'll think about her.

John could be up near your head, where he won't see anything. She pressed just a little too hard and Sam snapped at her.

No! I don't want him there. I told you.

Okay. No problem. So who have we narrowed it down to then? It exhausted Allegra emotionally just to listen.

I think just the Whitmans, Sam said sadly. She hated coming here. It was so depressing. There was just no way out. She had to give them the baby. The only thing to decide now were the details.

Are you going to the doctor regularly? Suzanne went down her checklist. Sam hated that part too, but she understood it. Taking your vitamins? Not taking drugs? Have you had sex recently? Sam glared at her, but answered all the appropriate questions. She went to the doctor, took her vitamins, had never taken drugs, did not drink currently, not even beer or wine, and had not had sex since she'd gotten pregnant. She was every adoptive parent's dream. And Suzanne didn't tell her, because she didn't want to pressure her, but the Whitmans were desperate for her baby. She thought there was a better chance of things going well for them, if they played it low-key with Sam. She wasn't the kind of girl who responded well to pressure. Suzanne never pushed her. She let her come to it by herself, and make all her own decisions. And she had told the Whitmans that they had to be patient and wait for Sam's decision. She even encouraged them to pursue some other avenues, and talk to some other girls, so they wouldn't be disappointed if Sam chose other parents. Sam was clearly not enthused at their being older.

Would you like to see them again? Suzanne asked one last time, but Sam shook her head.

Not yet. For the moment, she wanted a breather. And Allegra took her for a milkshake at Johnny Rocket's when they left. She really looked awful. Even thinking about it was a total drain for Sam. It was a hideous decision. And now her doctor wanted her to do Lamaze classes, so the delivery would be easier for her. She had gone for the first time the week before, with Blaire, and they had shown the class a film on childbirth, and she'd almost fainted. She had to go through all that, for someone else. And then give them the baby. It was a lot to ask for. And she certainly couldn't imagine them being there, as Suzanne had suggested. Sam looked as miserable as she felt as she finished her milkshake.

I wish I were dead, she said unhappily, and Allegra was reminded of Carmen again, who wanted to be dead because she didn't have a baby. There were times when life had a strange sense of humor.

I think that's a little extreme, don't you? Allegra said calmly, and they looked surprisingly alike as Allegra drank a soda with her. How about wishing it were all behind you?

Yeah, I guess so.

And then Allegra remembered that Sam's graduation ceremony was that week, and she couldn't even go to see it. That was an added blow. She asked Sam how she felt about it.

Okay, I guess. Jimmy brought me all the stuff. My name is still on the program. And she had gotten her diploma. In spite of her absence these last two months, she had still graduated with honors. Jimmy said it was kind of boring.

What's with you and him anyway? Allegra asked by way of conversation. He was a cute kid, and he hung around the house all the time, especially lately. She had seen him whenever she came by, even in the evening. He seemed to be the only one of her old friends who had stuck by her. It was as though the others were all embarrassed and didn't know what to say, so they just stopped coming, even her girlfriends.

We're just friends, Sam explained. For the moment, he was her best friend. She told him all her hopes and fears and troubles.

Alan and I were like that at your age. We started out as boyfriend and girlfriend as sophomores, and then we just got to be like brother and sister. We still are, I guess.

I haven't seen Alan in ages. Sam smiled. She had always liked him. He loved to tease her. Though for the moment, he didn't even know she was pregnant. He left before Allegra had found out, and she still hadn't told him. He had his own problems in that department, with Carmen.

He's in Switzerland, Allegra explained, making a movie.

How's Carmen?

Not so hot. She had a miscarriage in Switzerland. He's still there, working. And she had to come back to do a movie. She's pretty miserable, and she misses him a lot. He won't be back till August.

Can't she get over to see him?

Not unless she wants me to strangle her. She's shooting.

Oh. That must be hard not being together. Allegra nodded. The miscarriage had actually been harder for her.

Allegra took her back to the house in Bel Air then, and it was too late for her to go back to the office. She had promised to meet Jeff on his set. And Allegra noticed as she drove away that Jimmy was arriving. She wondered if anything serious was happening there. But she doubted it. How serious could it be with Sam seven months' pregnant?

She thought about her all the way to meet Jeff, and it really made her heart ache to think of what she had to go through. And it made her even more uncomfortable when she thought of her giving birth with people standing by, just waiting to snatch the baby from her. It seemed so creepy. She was still thinking of it when she met Jeff, and they talked about it on the way back to Malibu later that evening.

I hate to see her go through it, Jeff said, shaking his head.

So do I, Allegra confessed. Suzanne is doing a good job for her though. I couldn't do it.

Yes, you could. He leaned over and kissed her, and their conversation finally drifted away from Sam, and on to Carmen. He asked if she had settled down, and Allegra said that things appeared to be quieter for the moment.

And then they forgot the others, and just talked about his movie, and their wedding.

Chapter 18

On July first, Allegra finally brought joy to Delilah Williams's heart. Allegra and her mother went shopping at Dior, and they ordered a dress that Mr. Ferre was apparently willing to have slightly readjusted to suit Allegra. It was white pique, with a white lace overlay. It was short in the front, long in back. And he was going to add a short, high-necked, long-sleeved white lace jacket. It came with a huge white lace picture hat, and it was exactly what Allegra had in mind for her wedding. It was elegant, young, and exciting! Blaire cried when she saw her daughter in it, and Allegra beamed the moment she saw it. They were also going to order white lace shoes. And her mother said she would lend her the fabulous pearl choker Simon had given her on her fiftieth birthday. They wore exactly the same sizes, even in jewelry, which was extremely convenient.

And on the same day, they found a short beige lace dress with short sleeves and a little peplum in the back that was perfect for the bridesmaids. Blaire suggested they have little beige lace hats made for them, like smaller versions of her huge one. And the people at Dior had already promised her miles of white tulle over and trailing behind it. It was going to be absolutely stunning.

Well, we're all set, Blaire said, going down one of the lists Delilah Williams had sent her.

Now you can tell her to stop calling me at the office. I don't have time for that nonsense.

It's not nonsense, dear. It's your wedding.

They had chosen classic wedding music for the ceremony and Beethoven for the recessional through the guests into the formal garden. Her mother had settled the menu for her, and she was going to carry white roses and lily of the valley and philanopsis orchids. The bridesmaids could carry tiny tea-colored cymbidium orchids. They had long since chosen the cake, and they were having dream cake for the guests, in little white boxes with their names and the date engraved on it in silver, like in Europe. The flowers for the tables were yet to be designed, the tent had been ordered months before, and they were having Peter Duchin to play at the reception. The only thing that really remained to do was clean up the garden. The landscape architect was still promising total completion by the first of September and the wedding was only four days later.

They had booked a suite at the Bel Air for Mrs. Hamilton, and smaller rooms for the two bridesmaids coming from New York and London. Blaire had booked the hairdresser for all of them, and a makeup artist for those who wanted it. By July first, everything seemed to be very much in order. There was very little left to do, except plan what Delilah called the satellite events : the bachelor dinners, and the rehearsal dinner. Normally, that would have been given by Mrs. Hamilton, but coming out from New York, she wouldn't know where to have it. So the Steinbergs were hosting it for her upstairs at the Bistro. It was easy, it would be fun. And they had already booked it.

And Allegra had finally broken down and written to her father. She told him she was getting married, and that although she didn't expect him to come, he was certainly welcome. It cost her a lot emotionally to do it, and she spent a lot of time discussing it with Dr. Green, but writing had been easier than calling. She had written to him in early June, and he still hadn't answered, so she assumed he wasn't coming. She was enormously relieved that he wasn't.

Allegra went back to the office in a good mood, after buying her wedding dress. She and her mother had just been talking about their annual Fourth of July family picnic that weekend. The children always invited a few friends, and Blaire and Simon invited one or two couples. They usually had about twenty people in the backyard, and this year they would be barbecuing on dirt, but the whole family had agreed it didn't matter. The important thing was to be together. This year, Jeff would be with them too. It was his initiation into family tradition, since he had missed Thanksgiving and Christmas. The Steinbergs loved holidays and traditions.

And the morning after she'd bought her wedding dress, Allegra was sitting in her office, describing it to Alice.

It sounds fabulous, Alice confirmed, and the intercom instantly interrupted. Alice picked it up first, frowned, and then handed the phone to Allegra. There was a long silence as she listened, and then jotted down some hasty notes, and hung up the phone. And when she did, her eyes were blazing.

She flipped through some papers and said not a word, and then dialed an overseas number. It was Alan's hotel in Geneva. She asked for his room, and it answered after four rings, and just as she thought, Carmen answered.

Just what exactly do you think you're doing over there? Allegra blazed. You damn fool, you're giving up your whole movie career to be with him. And they're not going to forget it.

I couldn't help it, she whined. I missed him too much. She didn't dare tell Allegra she had come because she was ovulating, and she wanted to get pregnant.

They said you disappeared yesterday, and they can shoot around you today and tomorrow. But you're costing them a fortune. Starting today, they're docking you for it. After tomorrow, they're going to kick you off the picture. In other words, get your ass back here by tomorrow, or I'll kill you before they do.

I don't want to come back, she whined again, and Allegra was intentionally hard on her.

If you don't, then you'd better retire, because after tomorrow, that's what it will amount to. You'll be out of the business, Carmen Connors. And then she thought better of arguing with her and asked for Alan. Get her ass back here, will you? she told him in no uncertain terms, and he could hear that she meant it.

It's not my fault, Al, I swear. I never knew she was coming over. She just showed up. It was great, but I knew you'd be mad as hell. I'll put her back on a plane tomorrow morning. I'll be back in a month anyway, he reminded both of them. Just take care of her for me in the meantime.

That's no small job, you know. Allegra was really getting tired of her. She was a spoiled brat, and she whined constantly about how much she missed Alan. Maybe she's right. Maybe from now on, you two should only work together.

We'll talk about it when I come home.

Just send her back tomorrow without fail, or there'll be hell to pay. They're fining her fifty thousand dollars for today, and the same again tomorrow, and she deserves it. He whistled and wagged a scolding finger at Carmen.

I'll get her back to you right away.

See that you do it. She hung up and called the producers of Carmen's movie. She apologized profusely for her, said she'd been ill, emotionally overwrought, and needed to see her husband. It wouldn't happen again, and she would gladly pay the fine. And she would be back to work the day after tomorrow. They agreed to forget it had ever happened, as long as she paid the fine and returned to work as promised.

It certainly got her day off to a roaring start. She hardly slept all that night, and the next day she was waiting for Carmen at the airport. She read her the riot act almost the moment she came through customs, and Carmen was apologetic and just kept saying that she had needed to be with Alan. Because of her they were even going to shoot golden time on the Fourth of July, just to catch up on what they'd missed. She wasn't going to get a day off, and Allegra was so mad at her she didn't even think of inviting her to the Steinbergs' Fourth of July picnic.

She made sure that Carmen was on the set by four A.M. the next day, and she hung around till about nine just to make sure she was behaving. Then she went home to Malibu and climbed into bed with Jeff, and slept till noon, and then they went to her parents' place for the picnic.

The whole family was there, even Scott. He had invited a girl, and Jeff was there, of course. And Sam had invited Jimmy Mazzoleri. He was part of the furniture now, as Simon said good-naturedly. He was at the house all the time. Two of the neighbors had come, and a handful of Scott's friends, but none of Sam's this year. It was a small group, but it was a day they all loved, and they were having a great time, despite the mess in the backyard and the lack of a garden.

The people who hadn't seen Sam recently were shocked at what they saw. She was fully eight months' pregnant, and she looked it. Allegra thought that the saddest thing of all was that no one even mentioned it. It was the most visible thing in the backyard other than the swimming pool, and the least talked about. The subject was completely taboo, and Allegra wondered if that made it harder for Sam. Instead of being the happiest moment in her life, it was the saddest.

Blaire was still going to Lamaze with her, and Allegra had gone once or twice, but most of the time she couldn't make it. And Jimmy had even practiced it a few times with her. It fascinated him to sit and watch the baby moving. It seemed to dash from side to side, moving her stomach like a cartoon with some enormous being in it, like an elephant hiding under a blanket.

How are you feeling? Allegra asked as she sat down next to her on a deck chair.

I'm okay. Sam shrugged. Jimmy was on his way back to her with one of her father's hot dogs. Sometimes it gets kind of hard to move around now.

It won't be too much longer, Allegra said, trying to be encouraging, but Sam's eyes filled with tears as she said it, and Allegra wasn't completely sure why, and then Sam told her she'd made a decision.

I picked the Whitmans in Santa Barbara. Suzanne told them yesterday. They're kind of weird after all they've been through, but I think they're nice, and they really want the baby. Nobody could want it more than they did. Suzanne says they were really happy. She just said it was real important that I not change my mind, especially once they get the baby, during the legal waiting period. Because that happened to them twice before and she doesn't think they could take it.

That's not your responsibility though, Allegra pointed out, and Sam agreed.

But it still wouldn't be fair to jack them around again. Two girls took their babies back from them before, and Katherine took years to recover from it. Then she took a gulp of air, as though trying to get used to it. Suddenly she wanted to get it over with. The delivery, the legal work, the agony of giving it up, that one hideous moment when she would hand it over to them forever. She could never get past that. She could never figure out what her life would be like from then on. It was all she could think of. They're really adamant about being at the birth, Sam said, looking uncomfortable again.

Do what's right for you, Sam, her sister said firmly as their father wandered over to see them.

What are you two looking so serious about? he asked, looking down at them with pleasure. There were plenty of serious subjects in the family these days. Sam, of course, and the wedding, which was joyful but fraught with decisions and chaos, and the fact that Blaire's ratings had just dropped again, this time very badly. She was deeply upset about it, though she had scarcely discussed it with Simon. They didn't talk about much these days, but he hadn't wanted to press Blaire about it, for obvious reasons.

We were just saying that your hot dogs are better than ever this year. Allegra smiled up at him, and then stood up and kissed him. And when she did, Sam almost went flying into the pool, as the deck chair shot up at one end like a seesaw when Allegra got out of it. Her solitary but impressive weight had landed her on the ground and she was laughing. Even Allegra laughed at her, and a few minutes later Jimmy came back again, with another of Simon's hot dogs for Samantha.

You need this for ballast, he said with a grin, having just seen what had happened. You'd better be careful, or your sister will catapult you over the wall into the neighbor's garden. They both laughed, and he sat next to her, where Allegra had been, and they chatted and laughed. And then later, when they were alone again, when the others were playing Ping-Pong and horseshoes, she told him about her decision to go with the Whitmans. They had talked about the adoption before, but now she had made a commitment. She could still change her mind, of course, but Suzanne would discourage her from doing that, if possible. And she had up to six months after the baby was born to change her mind later.

You don't have to do it, you know. I told you that, Jimmy said quietly, so no one else could hear them.

He had offered to marry her, but she didn't want to do that. What would that do? He was already eighteen, and she was turning eighteen in two weeks. Two children taking care of a baby? She knew how helpless they were. They could barely have supported themselves, they couldn't do anything for the baby. And Sam felt Jimmy didn't deserve this burden on his shoulders, since it wasn't even his baby. Samantha liked him too much to do that to him. They'd gotten very close since he'd started hanging out with her, bringing her books, and sharing study sheets and exams with her. They were inseparable now, and when he kissed her, it was very easy to figure out what would happen after the baby. She didn't even want to think about it now. But they kissed a lot, and lately, when they did, it even gave her contractions, which scared her. She half wanted to get it over with, and half wanted it to never come. She just didn't want to have to go through it.

Blaire came and sat next to them for a little while. Sam had been noticing how unhappy she looked ever since her ratings had gone down. She was really upset about it. The show meant a lot to her and she'd worked hard on it for nine years. Seeing it slowly fall apart as she watched was like watching an old friend die of cancer.

And, of course, all day long, they all talked about the wedding, how many people they were going to have, whether or not there would be a tent, who was catering it, whose music they would be dancing to. It seemed like it was all anyone talked about. Then, in the late afternoon, Simon made a point of talking to Jeff alone. He had meant to call him for weeks, but he'd been too busy.

I've been meaning to talk to you. He finally cornered him near the ice cream. They'd all done nothing but eat all day, and Sam swore to Jimmy that if she ate another thing, she'd have the baby right then and there.

Jeff was eating a last Eskimo bar and looking extremely happy. Great picnic, he complimented them. He thoroughly enjoyed being part of their family. Not like Allegra's weekend in Southampton with his mother. That had been a fiasco. You did a great job with the barbecue. You have to teach me your secret, and come out to Malibu to visit us sometime. I'm not the master that you are though, Jeff said warmly, and Simon smiled. He really liked Allegra's future husband. She'd made a wise choice, and he thought they were both very lucky.

I think you may have other talents than barbecuing, Simon reassured him. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I read your second book, and I really liked it. I mean, really liked it.

That's encouraging. Jeff smiled up at him, not expecting anything more than that. It was just nice of Simon to tell him.

What are you doing about the screenplay?

Nothing yet, Jeff said honestly. I've talked to a couple of people about buying it, but they didn't really suggest anything I wanted. I don't want to produce the next one myself. It's just been too consuming and I want to get back to writing. I'm waiting for the right offer to sell the next movie, and maybe just do the screenplay.

That's my point, Simon said simply, which was how he always did business. I'd like to make you an offer. If you have time this week, why don't we get together and talk. Jeff was beaming at him, unable to believe what he was hearing. Simon was one of the most important producers in Hollywood and he wanted to make Jeff's next movie. And the fact that he was marrying his daughter didn't hurt him any. Or that was what people would say anyway. But Jeff knew Simon well enough now to know that if Simon didn't like Jeff's book, he wouldn't buy it, no matter who he was married to, or how closely related.

That's the best news I've had in ages. Jeff beamed at him.

What's that? Allegra joined them, curious about what they'd been saying.

Your dad likes my new book. He might want to do something with it, he said humbly. And then he turned to his future wife with a broad grin. Why don't we keep it in the family? Will you negotiate it for me, Allie?

Talk about conflict of interest. She laughed out loud. But she was thrilled for Jeff. She couldn't think of a better business combination than Jeff and her father. They were perfectly suited to each other.

And at the end of the afternoon, Allegra regretfully looked at her watch. They had to get going. They were going to Bram Morrison's Fourth of July concert. It was the high point of his tour before he left for Japan, and although Jeff wasn't crazy about concerts, she had promised they'd go. It was going to be a mob scene. She knew that the promoters had hired eight bodyguards, just to keep the crowd from crawling all over him. Bram had been a huge success on his tour so far, and more and more he was becoming a cult figure for all ages.

Where are you two off to in such a hurry? Sam inquired as she saw Jeff and Allegra pickup their things and start to get ready to leave them.

Bram Morrison's concert at the Great Western Forum.

Oh, you are so lucky! Sam said enviously, and Jimmy looked like he would have loved to go. Sam and he had agreed it was too dangerous for her to be in crowds like that in her condition.

I'll get you a ticket next time, Allegra promised, and a few minutes later they left to dress at her Beverly Hills house. She was going to put it on the market, and they were going to try to buy a bigger one in Malibu than the one Jeff rented.

At six o'clock, she and Jeff were ready. She had rented a limo for them, and the promoters said they'd provide a bodyguard if she needed one, but she doubted they would. It was a benign crowd, just a very big one. The fans loved him, and sometimes they got too close or touched too much. But they were harmless.

She and Jeff were expected backstage before the show, but by the time they arrived, the crowd was so large, they could hardly get there. Even the backstage crowd was bigger than usual. Most of them seemed to get shoved onstage, and during the show they were actually crowding the band, but there was no way to escape it. The number of fans was legendary, it was the biggest concert Allegra had ever heard of.

She and Jeff were buffeted from side to side, and more than once she thought that someone would get rough with them, but they never did. The concert went on for hours. By then, most of the crowd was pretty stoned, some were heavily drugged out, and the rest were fairly mellow. There were fireworks scheduled at eleven, and five minutes before they were due to come on, a guy with a bare chest and a vest, with long hair, got up on the stage and grabbed the mike from the drummer. He started screaming about how much he loved Bram Morrison, and how he had always loved him. How once they had been in Vietnam, and then they both died, and now they were one. It sounded like the lyrics to a song, and the man screamed again and again as security headed toward him, but there were so many gawkers onstage that they couldn't get to him. He was screaming I love you! I love you! at the top of his lungs, and then the fireworks came on and distracted everyone, and it was easy for the bodyguards to grab him. They yanked him right off the stage in one fell swoop, still yelling I love you, but now he was crying and there was a gun in his hands. It looked like a toy, and overhead you could hear the explosions and see the fireworks in the sky. And then Allegra happened to look straight ahead, and she saw Bram on his knees, with blood streaming from him. It was on his head and chest, and running down his arms, and he pitched forward as she lunged and grabbed a bodyguard. She was screaming at him to get help.

He's hurt! She pointed at Bram, and then the others saw him. His wife saw him too, and his kids, and suddenly there was a mob surrounding him again, and no one could get through at all. They lifted Bram high over their heads finally, and his music went on, as his blood dripped on the crowd, as his wife held his hand, and his children cried. He was dead before the paramedics ever touched him. And Allegra was kneeling on the ground with them, as his wife held him in her arms and begged him not to leave them. But he was long gone, his spirit high in the sky amidst the brightly colored pinwheels, and his songs playing louder than ever. The crowd didn't even know what happened. The music just went on. And at midnight they told them. They became a wild, seething mass, crying and keening, and still the music went on. It was Bram Morrison's last concert.

The man who had killed him had never seen him before, never met him, never knew him, but God had sent him to save Bram, he said. He had to save him from the people who would hurt him, and bring him back to God. And he had. His mission had been accomplished, he told the police, and now Bram was happy. But surely no one else was.

A single, lone lunatic had killed Bram Morrison, one of rock music's great heroes. And fifty thousand fans went wild, crying, screaming, sobbing. It took until the next morning to clear them from the stands of the Forum. Allegra had been awake for hours by then, her jeans and white shirt still covered in blood, as she held Jeannie's hand and found out what she wanted. She thought they wanted a simple ceremony, but the public would never allow that. In the end they settled for a private burial, and a memorial for a hundred thousand at the Coliseum. The promoters arranged that, and Allegra did the rest. The funeral, the eulogy, the legal arrangements, the untangling of the red tape involving the tour. She did everything including hold Jeannie in her arms and console the children. It was what Bram would have wanted. She had always been fond of him, not like Mai O'Donovan, who was a buffoon of sorts. Bram had been one of the great men of music.

I can't believe it, she said to Jeff when they went back to Malibu that morning. It was already noon by the time they got home. But she had wanted to go to the beach and see it. I can't believe he's gone. She just stood there and cried as she thought of him and all that had happened that night, and Jeff held her.

We live in a crazy world, Jeff said softly, full of crazy people. People who want to take your soul, or your life or your money, or your reputation, whatever they can get. He was crying too, deeply moved by the senselessness of Bram's death, and the wife and children who would miss him.

A lunatic had taken Bram's life, but not his soul. His soul would be free forever. And Allegra sat on the beach and cried, remembering him and when they had met, and all their quiet, humorous conversations. He had been such an unassuming man, such an undemanding person. And yet he was always being threatened. He was too good, too simple, and too pure. It was an invitation to the crazies.

And later that week when they laid him to rest, and she saw his children in their mother's arms, Allegra knew something she had never felt before. She wanted a child, a baby, a piece of Jeff before fate could strike them down, and he could ever leave her. It was something she had never felt quite like this, if ever. But even more than that, she knew there was something she had to do first, an obligation from her heart. Life was so precious, so short, so easily stolen. It wasn't to be taken, or thrown away, it was to be protected and cherished. She could no longer save him, but there was one small life she could save, and now she knew she was destined to do it. Sam's baby.

She looked quietly at Jeff, and asked him as they drove back home. He was startled at first, and then he wasn't surprised at all. He was only surprised they hadn't thought of it sooner. They were going to be married in a month. It was too soon in Sam's life to have a child, but not in theirs. It was right for them, and it was not right to give it away to strangers.

I think it's a great idea, Jeff said, looking excited and a little stunned.

Do you mean it? she asked wondrously. He really was an extraordinary human being.

Of course I mean it. Let's tell Sam. They had barely survived Bram's funeral, and the shock of letting him go. And yet in an odd way, this was his last gift to them. It was as though he had suggested it, and they had reached out for this baby, which none of them had dared to reach out to before. It was theirs now.

I can't believe it, Allegra said, laughing. We're going to have a baby’ . Jeff was smiling too, and she just hoped that Sam would see the sense in it. The only losers in the deal were the adopting parents, the Whitmans. But as Allegra had told Sam before, they owed them nothing at this point. The baby hadn't even been born yet.

And when they talked to Sam later that day, she agreed with them. It was the perfect solution. And Jeff and Allegra would be the perfect parents. They put their arms around her and Sam cried. At least the baby would be near her. It was a blessing for all of them, and the answer to Samantha's prayers.

Chapter 19

Apparently, Katherine and John Whitman did not agree with them. They did not feel grateful or blessed, nor did they agree that Jeff and Allegra were the perfect parents. In fact, they were furious about it. Furious didn't even begin to describe their reaction. They had been through too much in the past to even be able to listen to reason. Suzanne Pearlman tried explaining it to them, that there was no contract yet, and that Sam had no obligation. But the Whitmans felt that life owed them more than they'd gotten so far and that they'd had enough cruel jokes played on them, with mothers withdrawing their babies. They were hurting terribly over it, and they were looking to hurt anyone they could now. As far as they were concerned, anyone was fair game. The Steinbergs, Allegra, Jeff, Sam, anyone they could injure in whatever way possible, as long as it was legal. They particularly thought Sam deserved it.

They sold their story to the tabloids for a hundred and fifty thousand dollars, to What's New magazine for another seventy-five, and three of the tabloid TV shows for another twenty-five each. All in all, a pretty fair take for the destruction of a family's peace of mind and a young girl's reputation. On her eighteenth birthday, Sam's name was spread everywhere, and none of what they said was pretty. They implied that she was a whore, had slept with half of Hollywood, and that she didn't even know the identity of the father. They supplied the tabloids every detail they'd had and added more. They claimed she'd been on drugs, that she drank, that she had sex with almost anyone, and even propositioned John once or twice when she was eight months' pregnant. It was the kind of story stars have nightmares about, but even more devastating to a girl Sam's age. And because her parents were celebrities, and an argument could be made that Sam was in the public eye because of them, she had absolutely no legal recourse, and they knew it. The tabloids always played it safe, and the destruction of a life or two meant nothing to them. That was their business.

But much to everyone's surprise, she weathered it with dignity and quiet strength. She had been through so much that this almost didn't faze her. She withdrew from public view a bit, took no calls, and seemed oddly peaceful. And as always, her family saw her through, closed ranks and protected her, and so did Jimmy. He was by her side day and night, and the two of them went out for drives or long walks sometimes. They became more inseparable than ever, and he was as strong as she was. They talked about all of it, and what it meant to her. Her feelings were hurt and she was humiliated, and the media was making as much of it as they could, but she knew the truth about herself, and her life, and the baby. She knew better than anyone how stupid she had been with Jean-Luc, but she had never done any of the things the tabloids said she did. And the stories the Whitmans had sold didn't give them a baby. They had done everything they could to torture and humiliate her in revenge for not giving her baby up, but in the end, Sam still had her life, her soul, her integrity, and the baby. She was sorry for them, but after what they did to her, she wasn't sorry she had reneged on the adoption. They were bitter, rotten, vindictive people. The tabloid stories had been going strong for three weeks by the first of August, and her due date was coming closer. The stories about her were still news, and the Whitmans had given another interview, but Sam seemed to be staying calm and close to Jimmy. She had made no comment whatsoever to the press, and Simon had assured her that silence was the wisest course, though often the hardest.

It was the week that Alan came home from Switzerland, and he called Allegra as soon as he got home, hurt that she hadn't told him about Sam sooner. Carmen had called him as soon as the news broke.

My God, what's been happening? You never said anything when I called you.

I didn't know what she was going to do. I didn't want to talk about it. It's been kind of rough here. I didn't tell anyone. But now everyone knows, so it's different. Everyone was an understatement. The tabloids and TV shows had reached several million people.

What's she going to do with it? Alan was sorry for her. She was such a sweet kid and she was so young to have a baby.

Jeff and I are taking it, Allegra said proudly.

Talk about jumping the gun. You two aren't even married yet. When's it due?

In three days, Allegra said with a laugh. She and Jeff had been running around trying to buy diapers and a crib and tiny little undershirts, and flannel sheets, and washcloths, and bottles and blankets. The equipment was absolutely overwhelming, there was so much of it. It was much more complicated than a wedding. But in some ways a lot more fun, and they were both excited.

And in the midst of it, Jeff was trying to finish his movie, and she was going to the office, trying to settle Bram's estate and take care of all her other clients. She was trying to hire a baby-sitter, just to get her through the wedding and the honeymoon, and then she was also going to take a leave herself, after the wedding if she could, till they all got adjusted.

There was so much to organize. They had put the crib right in the middle of their bedroom. And Jeff had put together a little mobile of sheep and clouds that stood over it. They had musical lambs, and tiny little booties and sweaters, and a mountain of equipment. They had everything. Alan chuckled when she told him all about it. He admitted to them that Carmen was pregnant again too, but they weren't going to tell anyone yet in case she lost it. And she still had another month to do on her picture. They all had their hands full for the moment.

It was the night after Alan had come home, and Jeff and Allegra both had unusually long days, and had gone to bed late and were exhausted. When the phone rang at two A.M., Jeff said that Carmen and Alan were at it again. They'd obviously had a fight and Carmen was calling.

Don't answer it, Jeff groaned. He needed his sleep desperately, and for once Allegra was tempted to listen to him, but then she thought of her sister.

What if it's Sam?

It can't be, he said miserably. I'm too tired to have a baby.

In the end, Allegra's conscience won, and she picked it up. It was her mother. Sam's water had broken an hour earlier, and at first nothing had been happening, but all of a sudden she was getting good, hard, regular contractions.

Are you sure they're not just the fake ones? Allegra asked nervously, and Jeff groaned.

I'm too tired for this, he said again, and Allegra laughed and gave him a gentle shove.

No, you're not. We're having a baby. One day it would be her, waking him up at this hour to have their first child, but for the moment it was Sam, and for them, it was almost as exciting.

You'd better come, her mother said. You don't want to miss it. They were already in the hospital, in the labor room, and she was dilating quickly.

How does she feel? Allegra asked, worried about her little sister.

Not too bad, her mother said, still holding the watch she was using to time the contractions. And then she said something that surprised Allegra. We just called Jimmy.

There was tenderness in her mother's voice, rather than disapproval.

Are you sure we should? Sam wants him here. He's been coaching her too. And with all she was going through, Blaire felt she had the right to have whomever she wanted with her. She hadn't wanted John Whitman there, and with good reason after all they'd said about her, but oddly enough, she wanted Jimmy.

Before Jeff and Allegra left the house in Malibu, she stood staring at the crib and the mobile for just a moment. By tomorrow, there would be a little person in the crib. It was so exciting it made her smile as they left for the hospital. She had never before realized how much she wanted this baby. It was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to her.

Exciting, huh? Jeff said, thinking the same thing, and he put a gentle arm around her. I'm glad we're doing this. It meant a lot to both of them, even if it was an odd time for them to take on a baby.

I'm glad too, Allegra said, and then they hurried out to the car, in blue jeans and T-shirts and old sneakers. Allegra was planning to be in the delivery room, and Blaire was too. But when they got to the hospital, Blaire was outside, sitting with Simon.

What's happening? Allegra asked, as though a plane were coming in at any moment, and her mother smiled. In some ways, Allegra was less prepared for this than Sam was. Jeff yawned as he sat down next to Simon. They were both half asleep, and their roles seemed the least exciting. All they had to do was remember to tell everyone what a great job they had done when it was over.

They're checking her, Blaire explained. She's doing beautifully. It's really getting going now. The nurse thinks it won't take long at all, if she keeps going at this rate.

Shouldn't we be in there? Allegra asked, looking worried. She didn't want to let Sam down, or miss the birth of the baby.

I thought I'd give her a little while alone with Jimmy. They were doing fine together, and he's doing a good job coaching her. I think too many people around will make her panic. They left her alone with him for a while, and then Allegra and her mother tiptoed in to see her. She was sitting up in bed, with wild, frightened eyes, trying to breathe her way through a contraction while Jimmy talked her through it. He was amazingly calm for an eighteen-year-old kid, and when it was over, he gave her ice chips, and mopped her forehead with a cool cloth, as she lay back against the pillows.

How's it going, Sam? Allegra asked her gently.

I don't know, Sam said, looking worried, and clutching for Jimmy's hand. The monitor showed she was having another pain, and they went through the same procedure again, as Allegra watched them. It looked awful to Allegra, but Blaire thought she was doing great, and when the doctor came by a few minutes later, so did he, as he praised her.

It won't be long, he said cheerfully, patting Sam's leg after he checked her. He was going to deliver the baby right there in the labor bed, when she was ready. We're halfway there, he said happily, and Sam gave a moan of anguish.

Halfway ‘ I can't do this for much longer. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at Jimmy.

You're doing great, Sam, Jimmy whispered, and he didn't look like a boy, he looked like a man, as he held Sam's hand quietly, and waited for the next contraction as he stood at her bedside. Blaire and Allegra felt utterly useless and drifted outside again. Jeff had gone to sleep and was snoring in a chair, and Simon was dozing over a newspaper he'd been reading. The two of them made quite a picture.

What do you think about Jimmy being so involved with her? Allegra asked her mother as they strolled down the hall, and stopped to see the babies in the nursery. Some of them were sleeping, but most of them were wailing. Some were newborns, born within the hour, and others were slightly older, very hungry, and waiting for their mothers.

Allegra went to peek at Sam again, and she was sitting on the edge of the bed as Jimmy rubbed her back, sitting just behind her. A nurse was showing them what to do, and he even helped her walk around the room, but she started to cry when the next pain came. Then he lifted her gently back into bed, but she screamed as the pain peaked and he moved her. He was terrific with her, and Allegra was deeply touched by what she saw. And all through the night Sam wrestled with her contractions. At dawn there was still no sign of the baby, but everyone said she was doing great, except Sam, who said she couldn't take anymore. She wanted drugs, she wanted help, she wanted anything. She was clutching Jimmy's arms, and screaming with each contraction, and just when Allegra thought she couldn't take it anymore, the doctor said that Sam could start pushing. Now the real work began, but Sam just looked at them and cried.

I can't, she said again and again. She was exhausted.

Yes, you can, Jimmy insisted. Come on, Sam ‘ please ‘ you have to do it. They were like two children encouraging each other, except as Blaire watched them she saw something Allegra didn't. These were not two children anymore, they were much more than that. They had grown up overnight. They were a man and a woman. Blaire remembered when her own children had been born, Paddy, and then Allegra, and then the others. It changed your life from that moment on, and the bond you shared with their father. Jimmy was not the baby's father, but he might as well have been. He was totally there for Samantha. And she was unaware of anyone else in the room. The only one she wanted was Jimmy.

They had propped her legs up by then, and she was in horrible pain, begging them to stop, and clutching at Jimmy, while they told her to push and she wouldn't. He helped prop her head and shoulders up then, and finally she began to help them. With Jimmy's help they managed to encourage her, and ever so slowly the baby started moving. Blaire couldn't bear seeing her in so much pain, and she kept leaving the room, as did Allegra. But Jimmy never wavered all night. He was there for her. Shortly before nine, Blaire had just come back into the room again, and everything was frantic. A bassinet was being wheeled in. Two more nurses had arrived, the doctor was bracing her legs for her, and Jimmy was holding her so she could push the baby out. There was a sudden rush of air from Sam, a grunting sound, and she fell back against Jimmy, completely drained, unable to do another thing, and she started to scream again with the next contraction. But this time, no one would allow her to let down, they just kept pushing her until suddenly the room was filled with sound. It was the music of her baby, his little wail, and then a cry, and then her laughter and her tears, mingled with Jimmy's.

Oh, my God ‘ oh, my God ‘ He's so beautiful. ‘ Is he all right? Sam was breathless with excitement.

He's perfect, the doctor told her. Jimmy was completely speechless, but the look in his eyes as he looked down at her said it all. And then, ever so quietly, he took her hand and kissed her.

I love you, Sam, he whispered. You were incredible.

I couldn't have done it without you. She lay back against the pillows and he leaned down beside her as they put the baby next to her, and then she looked up and saw Allegra. She and Jimmy glowed at each other then, and a terrible look passed between them. Allegra and her mother were both in the room by then, and Sam struggled to see them both. Jeff and Simon were there too, admiring the small, healthy boy who was shouting at his mother as loud as he could. It made them all laugh, but Sam looked at Jeff and Allegra, and there was regret in her eyes. She hated to hurt them, but no matter how much she loved them, she knew she had no choice. She had to do this.

There's something Jimmy and I have to tell you. She took a breath and squeezed his hand. We got married last week. We're both eighteen, and even if we have to support him all by ourselves, we want to keep the baby. Allegra, I'm so sorry. She started to cry as she touched her sister's hand. She had disappointed so many people. Her parents, the Whitmans, who had wanted to adopt him, and now Allegra and Jeff, but they were looking at her in amazement.

You want to keep it? Jeff asked his soon-to-be sister-in-law, and she nodded, unable to say anything more. That's all right. You worked hard for him, he said, gently patting her hand, and there were tears in his eyes. We wanted to take him so he would stay in the family, but he belongs with you. He looked at Jimmy then with a manly smile. Congratulations. And then he put an arm around Allegra.

Are you all right with that, Al? Sam looked at her older sister.

I think I am, she said sadly. I think I'm still kind of stunned by the whole thing. It had all been so much more intense than she expected. I'm happy for you. I was excited, but I was kind of scared too. It's early for us. But they had wanted him anyway, and giving up the idea of him was an adjustment. Jeff was right though. If at all possible, the baby belonged with his mother. We'll bring all the stuff we have over to Mom's. You're going to need it. She smiled at them both and there were tears in her eyes too. She had wanted the baby, but a part of her also didn't. Very much like Jeff. They had had mixed emotions, and were trying to do what was best for all of them. Blaire looked at them in disbelief, trying to absorb what had just happened. No kitchen, a wedding, and now a new baby, she said, lightening the moment, and addressing Sam's announcement. She looked at Jimmy with a slow smile. And a new son-in-law. I guess we're going to be pretty busy at our house. They would never have turned their back on their daughter, or her son. But she already knew he was worth it.

I guess so, Mom. Sam smiled, and looked at her baby. He was so beautiful, and she had worked so hard for him.

You can live with us, Simon said gruffly to the young couple. They'd both be going to the same school in the fall. Sam was thinking of taking the baby with her, for the first few months anyway, so she could nurse him. She and Jimmy had talked about it a lot lately. They were going to try to take some of the same classes.

Does this mean I can go back to bed now? Jeff asked with a yawn, and the whole family laughed, and then he looked at his watch. I guess I missed that part. Time for work.

You're so silly, Allegra said, but I love you. They all kissed Sam and Jimmy and the baby, who had no name yet. They were working on it. Sam thought Matthew sounded good with Mazzoleri. And Blaire realized they were going to have to talk to his mother now that they knew what the two young people had done. They had been very brave, and more than a little foolish, but maybe they could pull it off. Stranger things had happened to other people. Her own grandmother had married at fifteen, and stayed married for seventy-two years to the same man. Maybe Sam would be nearly as lucky.

Allegra drove Jeff to the set, and they talked about not having the baby after all, and how they felt about it.

Are you very disappointed? he asked, still trying to sort it all out in his own mind. It had been an emotional night for all of them, and he was worried about Allegra.

Kind of, she admitted, but I think part of me is relieved too. I'm not sure yet what I really feel. But I respect Sam's decision. And they both knew it was the right one.

Neither am I, he confessed, looking sheepish. I know we'd have loved it, though I'd rather start with our own if we can. But I would have done this for Sam. It never felt right to me for her to give it up for adoption. That just seemed too cruel for all concerned. He had really done it for Allegra and her sister.

Allegra nodded quietly in agreement. And then Jeff looked at her with a broad grin.

Now we get to try for our own. That could be fun. They smiled as they drove to the far end of town, feeling as though things had turned out right for them. Life had certainly taken some odd turns recently, as it did its little tango.

And in Bel Air, Simon and Blaire had just let themselves into the house. They wandered into their newly mangled kitchen. It was still partially functional, and she made each of them a cup of coffee, and they sat down at the kitchen table. It had been a long night filled with a myriad emotions, and they were both feeling elated, and somewhat drained. It had been difficult for Blaire, watching Sam in so much pain, and they had been ambivalent about the baby. And yet when they saw Sam with him, it all seemed so right. And what they were feeling now was even more confusing. Were they happy or were they sad? Was it a tragedy, as they had first thought, or actually a blessing?

So what do you think? Simon asked her with a sigh. Truthfully, Blaire. Do we approve or not? Just between us. They had already vowed to support Sam and Jimmy in all their efforts.

I don't know why, she said, rubbing a hand over her eyes and then looking at him again honestly, and they're so damn young, but I hope it works out for them. The baby is so sweet, no matter how he came into our lives. It's not his fault. And I really like Jimmy. What a good kid he is. He's been wonderful to Sam. This isn't what I'd have wanted for her, if someone had asked me, but maybe in the long run, it will be all right. It was everyone's silent wish for them. And Jimmy had certainly stood by her, both before and while she had the baby. You couldn't have asked for more if he'd been the father. In fact, most men twice his age wouldn't have been half as supportive.

They're silly kids, getting married like that, without telling us, Simon said, sipping his coffee with a frown. But you have to give them credit for at least trying to sort this mess out. Jimmy's a nice kid. And the baby is cute too, isn't he? Simon looked very tender as he remembered their own babies.

He's adorable, Blaire agreed, and then she smiled sadly. Do you remember how sweet Scott was when he was born?

And Sam, he said wistfully, remembering the wisps of platinum hair and huge dark blue eyes, and then he looked tenderly at Blaire again.

They had come a long way from those memories this year, through no fault of hers. They had just started to drift apart, and he had ventured even farther, but now they both knew that the very fabric of their marriage had been torn. He had thought, stupidly, that she wouldn't notice it if he took some time off. He was still there, officially, but in his heart he had been gone for months. And now he knew how dearly it had cost them.

I'm sorry, Blaire. I know what a rough year it's been. She didn't answer him at first. She was thinking of the not-so-distant past. She would walk around the house and see photographs sometimes, which reminded her of better days, and just seeing them would catch at her heart. She remembered when he used to look at her like that, when their hugs were tight and their eyes for each other were still excited and alive. Now she felt dead inside. She had never known, never expected, never fathomed, how much he could hurt her. I've been so stupid, he said in a whisper, with tears in his eyes as he reached out and took her hand. He felt rotten seeing what he had done to her so clearly. Elizabeth had been a breath of new life for him, and she had excited him, but he had never really loved her, not the way he loved Blaire. And he had never wanted her to know about it. It was all so totally wrong. And now it was too late. He could see in the sag of Blaire's shoulders, in the ashes in her eyes when he looked at her, that what they had once shared was gone. It had made her bitter at first, and angry, and frightened. But now she just felt tired, and sad. He could see that. And to him, her sorrow was worse than her anger.

Those things happen, she said philosophically. They never said Elizabeth's name, but they both knew what they were saying. I just never expected them to happen to us. That was the hardest part. At first, I just didn't believe it. But after a while, I guess I just figured we were like everyone else, battered, broken, and embittered. It was like losing all our magic, she said, looking at him for the first time in a long time, and he spoke softly and took her hand across the table.

You never lost your magic, Blaire.

Yes, I did ‘ when we lost ours.

Maybe we didn't lose it ‘ maybe we just misplaced it, he said hopefully, and she smiled at him. She couldn't imagine things ever going back to the way they were. Too much had changed. None of it was on the surface. Superficially, they appeared to be what they had always been, polite, intelligent, creative, happy people with a great family, and a warm, loving life. But inside, she knew different. She had been totally alone for the last year, abandoned for the second time in her life. It's going to be nice having the baby in the house, he said softly, and Blaire looked sad again and defeated.

If that's what you want, Simon, you can still have your own. I can't.

Does that matter to you? he asked, surprised. He had never even considered that with Elizabeth. Marriage, and certainly children, had never been an issue, just lust and excitement.

But Blaire nodded her head in answer to his question. Sometimes it matters. Having babies was important to me. Now I feel so old. She had gone through the change of life that year, the same year he had chosen to be unfaithful to her with a woman almost half her age, almost the same age as her older daughter. It hadn't been great timing, to say the least. But there had been nothing she could do to stop it.

I don't want other children, Simon said firmly. I've never wanted to be married to anyone but you in my entire life. I never wanted to leave you, Blaire. And I know it was terribly wrong, but I just wanted some time off. I don't know what happened to me, except that I'm old and stupid. She was young, she flattered me, maybe you and I had hit a flat spot in our life. But I've never regretted anything so much in my life. They had paid too high a price for his pleasures. She doesn't hold a candle to you, he said gently. It was hard to be this honest with her, but he knew it was time. There's no one in this world who's even half of what you are, he said as he leaned over and kissed her, and for the flicker of an instant, she felt something for him that she hadn't felt all year.

I'm a grandmother now, you know, she said with a small smile, and she kissed him hesitantly. Just saying it was something of a shock, and they both laughed.

What does that make me? I feel even older than I am. Elizabeth Coleson had renewed his spirit at first and made him feel half his age. But losing Blaire, emotionally, had suddenly made him feel a thousand years older. Come on, he said, standing up slowly, and putting an arm around her. Take this old man upstairs. It's been a long night, I need to lie down. There was mischief in his eyes as he walked up the stairs with her. They were both tired, but he had something in mind for her that he hadn't dared in months, till that morning.

If you ever do it again ‘ she said, with a spark in her eye he hadn't seen in nearly a year, and it made his heart sing just watching her. Her step was light and her body enticing as she walked quickly upstairs beside him. She turned around at the top to look at him again, and there was murder and mayhem in her eyes. You won't get away with it twice, Simon Steinberg. There's no mercy for badly behaved old men in this house. But he didn't need to say a word; she could see all his remorse, and love for her, in his eyes. He had come back to her, in spite of everything. It still made her tremble to think she had almost lost him.

You don't even have to say it, he said to her, as he put his arms around her and kissed her. It will never happen again.

No, it won't. She smiled at him as they walked into their bedroom. The sunshine was streaming into the room; it was a beautiful day. I'll kill you next time. She said it softly. But more likely, she knew it would kill her if she lost him.

Come here, he said, sounding gruff and sexy. They hadn't made love in months, and he could barely wait to go to bed with her now. They bounced onto the bed like two kids, and she was laughing at him, and then suddenly he was kissing her, and she was remembering everything she had tried so hard to forget about him. How she loved him, how sexy he was, and how much fun they had together. She had never thought she could trust him again, or even love him, but as they lay in the sunshine, on the day their first grandchild was born, they both discovered with relief that nothing had been lost. If anything, their love for each other had grown, and they knew they'd been lucky, and Sam's tiny newborn boy had blessed them.

Chapter 20

As August unfurled, all the important things in their lives seemed to be happening the way they were meant to. Jeff's movie was going beautifully. Carmen was still shooting, and behaving herself, and her pregnancy had caused no problems, though Alan managed to show up every time they shot a love scene, and the director had called Allegra and was upset about it. But both movies were going well. And Allegra was helping Jeannie Morrison sell their house in Beverly Hills, and move to their ranch in Colorado. She wanted to get as far away as she could, and she wanted to complete the move before the kids started school in September. They still had bodyguards around the clock, but it appeared that the event that had shattered their lives had been the disturbed, passionate gesture of one random gunman. It had inspired a great outcry among the celebrities in L.A., about the insanity of the public, and the limited protection that was available, given our laws. But Jeannie was beyond lobbying or making speeches. She just wanted to get out of the limelight, and disappear with her children.

Allegra felt terrible for them, and there was to be a memorial concert for Bram in September. It was scheduled for just after her wedding, and she and Jeff had talked about delaying their honeymoon, but Allegra finally realized that she had to understand now where to draw the line. She called and told Jeannie she and Jeff would be on their honeymoon. She understood perfectly Allegra had already done far too much for them, and she had always been wonderful to Bram.

Sam's baby, Matthew Simon Mazzoleri, was everyone's pride and joy, and he was getting fatter every day. Sam was nursing him, and Jimmy took a thousand photographs and videos of them at all times, having baths, sleeping, at the pool, on the lawn. The baby went everywhere with them, and within two weeks, Sam looked like her old self. She had even regained her slim figure.

The Whitmans were still selling disgruntled stories to the tabloids, and there was another interview on TV with them, after it had been announced that Matthew had been born to Mr. and Mrs. James Mazzoleri (Samantha Steinberg), a son, Matthew Simon, on August fourth, at Cedars-Sinai, eight pounds, one ounce. The announcements generally included that Mrs. Mazzoleri was the daughter of Simon Steinberg and Blaire Scott. There was a cute picture of Sam and Jimmy and the baby in one L.A. paper, and George Christy mentioned them in the Hollywood Reporter, in his column The Good Life.

The Steinbergs had also had a long meeting with Mrs. Mazzoleri. Although she was somewhat in shock over what Jimmy had done, marrying Sam without telling anyone, she said it was fairly typical of him to try to resolve things by himself. Ever since her husband died, Jimmy had been invaluable to her, but she was worried about what the Steinbergs' expectations of him would be. She wanted him to go to UCLA as planned, but so did they. Blaire and Simon had given them their guest cottage, and it was perfect for them. They would both go to school in the fall, and Simon said he was more than willing to support them both until they finished school. After that, like all his other children, they were on their own. Blaire had already asked her housekeeper to help take care of the baby in the daytime, when they went to college in the fall, and they'd have to work out the rest of it. Mrs. Mazzoleri was very grateful to them for all their help. But on the other hand, Simon said, her son had been fantastic to Sam. And in spite of their age, in the long run, maybe it would all work out.

Things between Simon and Blaire had improved immeasurably. In fact, it was like a honeymoon, now that Sam was living in the guest cottage with Jimmy and little Matt, and her parents were alone in the house. They were surprised, and embarrassed, by how much they enjoyed it.

They had forgotten what it was like to be alone anywhere, and they rapidly established a policy that the kids had to call before they dropped over at the main house. And whenever they did, Simon was amazed at how rapidly they were engulfed in utter chaos: baby seats, high chairs, Portacribs, disposable diapers. The thousand things they needed for Matt seemed to be everywhere; Sam was nursing in every room; and Jimmy was like a big, gangly kid, dashing around all over the house. Simon set up a new basketball net for him in the backyard, and they went out and shot baskets sometimes, just for fun, and to let off some steam and talk. He was pleased by how bright Jimmy was, how determined to get through school and make something of himself. He was definite about going to law school like his dad, and he was trying to talk Sam into going as well. The Steinbergs were not only pleased, but impressed by his devotion as a husband.

The only major upheaval in the house was still the construction everywhere. Dozens of gardeners attacked the backyard every day, and in the kitchen, you could still cook, but they were pulling out all the old tile, and rewiring the ceiling.

The only terrifying thing was that the wedding was only two weeks away. The garden was nowhere near complete, the bridesmaids hadn't had their dresses fitted yet, and Allegra's hadn't even arrived. She was hysterical about that, and a thousand other details, and she tried talking to Jeff about it at night, and he was just too tired. He was trying to finish his movie in the next ten days. He was irritable, and often snapped at her, but the tension on the set was driving him crazy.

Look, Allegra, I know ‘ but can we talk about it some other time? He seemed to be talking through clenched teeth most of the time. And Delilah Williams was calling them at home day and night, and driving him even more insane than his movie. It had taken them six months to get Carmen and Alan trained, and now Delilah was calling at eleven o'clock at night, to discuss a new twist to the cake, or a fabulous little notion she'd had for the flowers and the bridesmaids' bouquets. Jeff and Allegra both wanted to kill her.

It had been two weeks of hell for them, and total stress when their phone rang, as usual, late one night. Allegra figured it was probably Delilah again, complaining that Carmen hadn't tried on her dress, and Allegra was going to have to remind her that she'd do it as soon as the picture wrapped. Instead, when she picked up the phone, it was a familiar voice, but at first she didn't register who it was. It was her father, Charles Stanton. He was calling from Boston, in response to the letter she had sent him months before, and he had never answered, inviting him to her wedding.

Are you still getting married? he asked cautiously, after asking her how she was. It had been seven years since they last spoke or she'd seen him.

Of course. Just listening to him, she felt her whole body go tense. Jeff had just walked into the room, and when he saw her face, he couldn't help wondering who had called her. For an odd instant, he wondered if it was Brandon. He had sent her a little note a few weeks before, implying that he would have married her eventually, and making a point of telling her that he'd finally divorced Joanie. He even had the nerve to tell her to call him for lunch sometime, and after showing it to Jeff, she had tossed it in the garbage.

Something wrong? he asked, concerned, but she shook her head, and he went back to do some work in his office.

Do you still want me to come out? her father asked. She didn't remember asking him, but she knew she probably had in her letter. She thought she had just told him she was getting married.

I don't imagine it would mean anything to you, she said, explaining her letter to him. It's not as though we have much contact with each other anymore. It was partially a reproach, and in part just a statement.

You're still my daughter, Allegra. I'm taking a little time off here, and I was thinking about it the other day. If you'd like me to, I could come out for your wedding. She didn't like him to, and she couldn't see the point of it, but she had asked him almost three months before. She wished she hadn't. She wished she had never told him at all. And she wanted to ask why he wanted to come to her wedding now. After all these years, after all his criticism of them, all his rejection of her, what difference did it make if she was getting married?

You're sure it's not too much trouble? she said awkwardly, feeling years drop away from her. He always made her feel like the rejected child she had been.

Not at all. It's not every day I get the opportunity to walk my daughter down the aisle. After all, you're my only child. As she listened to him, her mouth almost dropped open. What had she said to him? How could he possibly have interpreted it that way? She had no intention of walking down the aisle with him. He had never been there for her. Ever. And she was walking down the aisle with Simon, who had been.

I ‘ uh ‘ Words failed her, and she couldn't bring herself to tell him that she didn't expect him to walk her down the aisle, but before she could say anything, he told her that he'd be arriving from Boston sometime Friday afternoon, the day of the rehearsal dinner. He was going to stay at the Bel Air. Shit, she muttered to herself as she hung up, and dialed her mother frantically. The whole wedding ordeal had been an agony and she couldn't believe what had just happened. She had two fathers expecting to walk her down the aisle, one of whom she hated.

Simon answered the phone on the second ring, and he sounded strangely calm. Allegra knew that voice, and it usually meant something was seriously wrong, but she had had her own problems that night, and she didn't pick up on it. She just hastily asked to talk to her mother.

She's busy just now, he said very quietly. Can she call you back?

No. I need to talk to her right now. Allie, she can't, he said, sounding firm, and then suddenly she noticed the tone of his voice. It was scary.

Is something wrong, Dad? Is she sick? That was all she needed now, her mother gravely ill before this nightmare wedding they'd forced on her, with that freak, Delilah, flapping around instead of her mother. Where is she?

She's right here, he said, patting his wife's arm. She's a little upset, he said gently. She'd been crying for the last hour, and he raised an eyebrow at her, asking if it was all right to tell, and she nodded. It would be easier, in fact, for him to tell them all. We just got a call from Tony Garcia at the network an hour ago. They're going to cancel your mother's show. They're going to do a big finale and run it in a few weeks, and then they're off the air. After nearly ten years, it was a huge blow to Blaire. She felt as though she had lost an old friend, and she had been crying since she heard it.

Poor Mom, Allegra said. How's she taking it?

Pretty hard. Simon was honest.

Can I talk to her? she asked hesitantly, but when he consulted with Blaire, she said she'd call Allegra later.

Allegra hung up, looking pensive, and thinking of her mother. She had worked so hard, and had had so many victories with that show. It had been a real accomplishment for a long time, and now it was over. She could just imagine how her mother felt, and her heart went out to her.

Something wrong? Jeff had drifted by and seen the look on her face. She looked like she'd had bad news, and he stopped to ask her about it.

They just canceled my mother's show. It was a somber announcement, and in some ways it hadn't sunk in yet. Buddies was so much a part of her mother's life, she couldn't even imagine her without it. And now she would have to rush to make the last episode. It was terrible timing, with Allegra's wedding.

I'm sorry to hear that, Jeff said sympathetically. She's looked preoccupied for a while; I wonder if she knew.

It's funny, Allegra said. I thought she looked better for the past few weeks. And in fact she had, since her rapprochement with Simon. She seemed happier and less distracted. Maybe she wasn't feeling well. Anyway, Dad says she's really taking it hard. Maybe I should go over to see her. And then she told him about the call from her father, about his unexpected appearance at her wedding. She hadn't even expected to hear from him anymore. She had forgotten all about her letter. He's actually expecting to walk me down the aisle. Can you believe that? After all these years, he really thinks I'd let him do that. He must think I'm incredibly stupid.

Maybe he thinks that's what you expect of him. Maybe he doesn't know how to act with you anymore either. It could be that he's changed. You should give him a chance, and at least talk to him while he's out here. Like Simon, Jeff always tried to be fair, but Allegra was outraged by his suggestion.

Are you kidding? When do you think I'm going to have time for a talk like that, two days before our wedding?

Maybe it's worth it for you to make time. He had a major impact on your life, Allegra. And in a way, on their marriage. Jeff thought acknowledging that was important.

It's not worth my while even seeing him, Jeff. I'm sorry I ever wrote him. She was steaming at Jeff for suggesting she should give him a chance, and at her father for being so presumptuous.

You're awfully hard on the guy, Jeff said quietly. He is coming out, and you invited him. It sounds like he's trying.

Trying to do what? It's too late anyway. I'm thirty years old, and I don't need a father.

You must, or you wouldn't have written to him in the first place. Don't you think it's time you resolved things between you? I think this is as good a time as any, kind of an end and a beginning.

You don't know anything about it, she exploded at him, storming across the room as she paced. She couldn't believe he was telling her to give her father a chance, after he'd always been a bastard to her. You have no idea what it was like after my brother died, the way he drank, the way he slapped my mother around, the way he treated us after we left and came to California. He never forgave my mother for leaving him, and he took it out on me all my life. He hated me. He was probably sorry I didn't die instead of Patrick. Paddy would probably have been a doctor like him. She was sobbing as he came to her, all her fears and inadequacies and terrors hanging all over her, like laundry on a clothesline.

Maybe that's what you need to talk to him about, Jeff suggested gently as he approached her. What was he like before your brother died, if you can remember?

Okay, but he was always kind of cold, and he was very busy. He reminds me a lot of your mother, unable to open up and reach out and relate to anyone else, not very human, she said candidly, and then looked at him in embarrassment. Although they both acknowledged that the weekend in Southampton had been horrible, she had never openly criticized his mother to him.

What's all that supposed to mean? My mother is very reserved, but she's perfectly human, Allegra. He sounded chilly.

I'm sure she is. Allegra was trying to back off, but she was annoyed that he had taken her father's part, and was so willing to be compassionate toward him. Except if you're Jewish, she added hastily, and Jeff suddenly backed away from her as though she were radioactive.

That's a rotten thing to say about her. The poor woman is seventy-one years old, and she's a product of another generation.

The same generation that put the Jews in Auschwitz. I didn't exactly feel like she was a warm and caring person while we were there. And what exactly would she have said if you hadn't told her my real’ name is Stanton, and not Steinberg? You know, that was a pretty shitty thing to do. Downright cowardly in fact. She glared at him from across the room, and he was trembling with rage over the things she had said about his mother.

So is refusing to talk to your father. The poor guy has probably paid his dues for the last twenty years. He lost a son too, not just your mother. She's had other kids, she has another life, another family, another husband. What has he got? According to you, he has absolutely nothing.

Why are you so fucking sympathetic to him, for chrissake? Maybe all he deserves is nothing. Maybe it was his fault Paddy died. Maybe if he hadn't been treating him himself, or wasn't such a drunk, maybe he could have saved him.

Is that what you think? He looked appalled. They were the demons that had trailed her for twenty years, dancing all over their living room, and even she looked frightened. You think he killed your brother? He looked horrified. It was a terrible thing to say about anyone, especially her father.

I don't know what I think, she said hoarsely, but he was still bristling. He hardly recognized her in the things she had said that night and he didn't like her. It was the first real fight they'd ever had, and it was a lulu. It was almost worthy of Carmen and Alan.

I think you owe me an apology for the things you said about my mother. She never did anything to hurt you. She was just shy when she met you.

Shy? Allegra screamed at him from across the room again. You call that shy} I call it vicious.

She was -½ewer vicious to you! He was shouting now too, and neither of them liked it.

She hates Jews! was the only retort Allegra could come up with.

You're not Jewish, so what do you care? He threw back at her ineptly.

She slammed out of the house, and got into her car. She didn't know where she was going, but she knew she wanted to get away from him, and as far as she was concerned, he could take his wedding and stuff it. She wasn't going to marry him if he was the last human being alive, no matter who organized the wedding, or who walked her down the aisle. They could have the whole goddamn mess for all she cared.

She drove down the Pacific Coast Highway going eighty-five and was at her parents' house in forty minutes. She opened the front door with her key, forgetting their new rule to call them first, and she slammed the front door so hard she almost broke the picture window. Her parents were sitting in the living room, and her mother jumped when she heard her.

Good God, what happened to you? Blaire looked at her. She looked like a wild, rumpled mess. She was wearing shorts and a T-shirt, bare feet, and she had her hair piled high on her head and stuck through with a pencil. Are you all right?

No, I'm not, Allegra said, looking like a madwoman. I'm canceling the wedding.

Now? Her mother asked, horrified. It's less than two weeks away. What happened?

I hate him.

Simon turned away to conceal a smile, and her mother stared at her, unable to believe she would do this. All she could think of now were the endless preparations. All for nothing. Did you have an argument?

That's beside the point. His mother is a monster, and he thinks I really ought to give Charles Stanton a chance after all these years. The poor man has had so many problems.’ That's disgusting. She looked irate as she said it.

How did Charles get into this? Blaire looked totally confused. She hadn't seen him herself in seven years, and he hadn't crossed her mind since she'd told Allegra to at least invite him to the wedding.

He called tonight. He thinks he's walking me down the aisle. Can you beat that? He wants to come to my wedding.

That's all right, dear, her mother said calmly, forgetting her own woes and disappointments, and concentrating on her daughter. Maybe Jeff is right. Maybe it's time to make peace with him. But Allegra only got angrier when she heard it.

Are you all nuts? The man abandoned me emotionally twenty-five years ago and you all think we should be pals? Are you all out of your minds?

No. But it's not worth hating him for all these years, Allegra, she said wisely. There were a lot of things back then that you weren't old enough to understand, about grief, and what happened to him. He just couldn't handle it when Paddy died. He cracked for a while. I think he actually lost his mind, partially emotionally in any case. And I'm not sure he ever completely regained it. I'm sure he's quite sane technically, or at least I assume he is. But he was never able to get the pieces put back together after that, to have a personal life, or maybe not until now. But you ought to at least listen to what he has to say. As her mother spoke to her, there was the insistent sound of their doorbell. Simon looked surprised and went to answer it. It was like living in an airport, or on a sitcom. But much to everyone's amazement, it was Jeff, and he looked almost as disheveled and angry as Allegra.

How dare you walk out on me like that! he shouted at her, and Simon and Blaire exchanged a look, and walked quietly upstairs. Allegra and Jeff were so furious, they never even noticed that her parents had left, and they stood in the living room and shouted at each other for an hour, as Blaire tiptoed around upstairs wondering if they were still going to have a wedding.

Well, they certainly sound well matched, Simon said with a small smile. It was more excitement than they'd seen in their house in years, if ever. And a few minutes later, Samantha called. With the windows open, on a warm night, they could hear Jeff and Allegra's argument all the way to the guest house.

Are you and Mom having some kind of a fight? she asked, sounding worried. She had just nursed Matt and put him back to bed, and she had never heard so much fighting in her life. Jimmy thought she had better call to make sure they were all right, and Simon laughed at the question.

No, but your sister is, he said simply.

With Mom? Sam looked surprised. Allegra had never fought with their mother like that, or with anyone for that matter.

No, with your future brother-in-law, that is, if the wedding's still on. He couldn't help but laugh. It was a soap opera of the first order. We'll ask them when it's all over.

When did they get here? Sam was intrigued by what was happening, but the fight was still raging on from what they could all hear. The floodgates had finally opened. They had lived with tension for months, with clients, and movies and screenplays; Allegra had dealt with death threats and miscarriages, and one of her favorite clients being gunned down and murdered, her sister's pregnancy, and nearly giving the baby up, and then nearly adopting it herself, and then the disappointment of giving it back to Sam, and all the stress of getting married, and meeting her new mother-in-law, and all the expectations and hopes and plans that went with getting married. It was enough to make anyone hysterical, and Jeff and Allegra certainly sounded as though they both were.

They got here a little while ago. I'm sure they'll leave soon, if they survive, he said, and a little while later, he and Blaire went down to see if they could lend a hand and stop the war before there were no survivors. Allegra was crying softly in the living room by then, and Jeff was looking as though he wanted to kill someone or die, whichever happened first. This was clearly not the moment to ask them if they were still getting married. There was no question that both of them were ready to toss the whole wedding right out the window.

How are you two doing down here? Simon asked calmly, pouring four glasses of wine, and handing the first to Jeff, who looked as though he needed it very badly. He took it with a nod, and then sat down, far across the room from Allegra.

We're fine, she said between sobs, in answer to her father's question.

I'm not sure I believe you, he said, and Blaire went and sat next to her. She had the best suggestion anyone had made to them in months.

I think you two need to get away for the weekend. This may be your last chance before the wedding. She looked at Jeff. I think if they can spare you from the set for two days, you ought to try. He nodded, looking at her. Even he knew it was a wise suggestion.

I was sorry to hear about the show, he said sympathetically, and then glanced over at Allegra.

So am I, Mom, she said, and blew her nose again. No one had ever been as unfair to her as Jeff had just been. He said she was being rude about his mother, and she wasn't giving her father a chance, and it all seemed like the end of the world to Allegra. That and having to finish up everything on her desk, and get everything done before their wedding. It was almost inhuman.

Thank you, Blaire said quietly. She had done her share of crying that night too, but this was so much more real to her. She knew it wasn't serious, but it was their lives, not just a lot of pretend nonsense on television. Fortunately, she knew the difference.

I think your mom's right, Jeff said as he finished the wine. Maybe we need to get away for the weekend. Allegra wanted to tell him she wouldn't go anywhere with him, not after the things he'd said to her, but she didn't dare do that in front of her parents. Instead, she agreed to go away with him, to Santa Barbara, for just two days. At Simon's suggestion they were going to stay at San Ysidro.

It took another two hours, but they left finally, in separate cars, with their own thoughts and fears and regrets and terrors. Allegra thought about him all the way home, and how cold his mother had been to her. She thought of her own father too, and the anguish caused by him over the years, but she thought too of how different Simon had been, and how different Jeff was. None of it looked quite as monumental when she got back to Malibu and Jeff apologized for the things he'd said about her. He hadn't really meant to say most of those things, but he was so upset about what she'd said, and so wound up over the end of his movie. They said a thousand things to each other that night, but mostly they just lay in bed and talked, and laughed at how stupid they had been and apologized for the vicious things they'd said. When it was all said and done, they lay in each other's arms and slept, and in Bel Air, Simon and Blaire went to bed too, still awake and talking about them.

I'm not so sure I'd want to be that young again, Blaire whispered to Simon. They had talked about them for hours after they left, and how frantic both of them had been. It had been exhausting just watching and listening to them.

It might be fun to get that wound up and stomp around and scream. Allegra certainly got excited anyway. You never shouted at me like that. He looked amused and she laughed.

Is that a complaint? I could learn, I guess. I've got lots of time on my hands now. She still felt bad about that. She was going to miss her show so much, and she didn't know what to do now. She didn't want to just stay home and take care of her grandchild. She was fifty-five, and there was still plenty of life in her, but she no longer had a job, except for one last episode. She still couldn't believe it.

I had an idea tonight. I don't know what you'd think of it, he said pensively, as they lay side by side in the dark, comfortable again. The specter of Elizabeth Coleson had finally disappeared between them. He rolled over on his side and propped himself up on one elbow so he could look at her in the moonlight. I've been wanting to add a coproducer to my staff for a while. I'm tired of doing everything alone. I get all the glory, but it drives me crazy sometimes, and you're so much better on the creative details than I am. I'm better at the broad strokes. What do you say we try a collaboration on my next picture? Maybe Jeff's? What do you think of that? She thought about it and smiled at him.

What are we calling it? Family Business} She thought he was being charitable, or just kidding.

I'm serious. I've wanted to do something like that for years, but you never had the time. You're too good for television anyway. Why don't you at least try it? He loved the idea of working with her. They were a good team in many ways, and their professional skills were compatible. She was smiling at him, thinking about it.

We could try, I suppose. I don't have anything else to do. I'll be free in three weeks, right after Allegra's wedding. She actually liked the idea, and she kissed her husband to thank him.

Is the wedding still on, by the way? he teased. I didn't dare ask them before they left.

I hope so, Blaire said with a sigh, as she lay down again. She liked the idea of working with Simon.

So what do you think? He was prodding her for an answer.

I'll have to call my agent, she said coyly, and he laughed.

You Hollywood types, you're all the same. Go ahead, call your agent. I'm calling my attorney. He chuckled and kissed her on the neck, and she snuggled closer to him. For a day that had been disastrous for a while, it had taken a definite turn by the end of it. She was still sad to lose her show, but the idea of a partnership with Simon had a lot of appeal to her. She wanted to talk to Allegra about it in the morning. And when she turned to Simon again, he was sound asleep. It was very late, and they'd had a long night, and a lot of excitement. She smiled to herself, looking at him. He was such a good man, and after all the pain he'd caused her in the past year, she felt as though she'd found him again, and maybe some of the pain had been worth it.

Chapter 21

Allegra thought that her parents working together was a great idea, particularly on her husband's movie.

Talk about keeping it in the family, she said, and laughed. Can I have a starring role? she teased her mother.

She talked about it after she and Jeff got back from San Ysidro, and by then everything had calmed down with them again. Everything had returned to normal, as normal as it was going to be with her wedding in six days. As Delilah Williams said, the final countdown had started.

The dress had come, the hats had finally arrived, the veil had been made. And the landscape gardener swore that the garden would be finished by the weekend.

Both of Allegra's bridesmaids who were coming from out of town were arriving in two days, one from London, the other from New York. Jeff's mother was arriving the day after that, and staying at the Bel Air. And worse yet, her father was arriving on Friday.

Do you think we'll survive it, Mom? she asked her mother, looking terrified. She was trying to finish out the week at work, and Jeff was wrapping his movie on Wednesday. It was all very tightly scheduled, and poised like a house of cards. She had even sold her house, and the closing was in two days. And wherever she looked, there were a thousand details.

After her bridesmaids arrived on Tuesday night, they were having a last-minute fitting of the dresses on Wednesday morning and any necessary adjustments could be made. But Nancy and Jessica had willingly supplied their sizes, and there was no reason to think there would be a problem.

I'm so scared, Allegra whispered to Blaire as she visited her on Monday night. Jeff was working late, and she had come to see Sam and the baby.

Of what, sweetheart? Her mother was trying to calm her.

Of everything. What if it doesn't work, like you and ‘ you know ‘ Charles ‘ ? Her original father. She refused to call him Daddy.

It can happen, but those circumstances were very unusual and I was much younger than you are when we got married. You and Jeff are a lot smarter than we were and you're going to be just fine. I know it. They were intelligent and young, and they had entered into it with much thought. Dr. Green felt really good about the way Allegra was handling all her old fears and feelings. But there were still no guarantees, they could lose their jobs, their lives, their limbs, their children could die, as her mother's had, their life's dreams could be shattered by a bolt of lightning at any moment. There are no guarantees in life. You just have to do your best, and be there for each other no matter what, Blaire said wisely, as she smiled at Allegra.

Yeah, and never run out of Haagen-Dazs or frozen pizza, Sam added her marital advice. Feeding Jimmy was like keeping the Green Bay Packers supplied, but she had never been as happy in her life, and they were loving the baby. He was asleep in her arms, and he nursed all the time. He was a month old and he weighed twelve pounds. And Sam looked as though she had been born for the life that she was leading. She loved being with Jimmy all the time, and he was wonderful at helping her with the baby. His little sisters came to visit them all the time, and they played in the Steinbergs' backyard. All of a sudden, Blaire felt as though she had a house full of children. It was like turning the clock back for her, except that in a nice way, it also wasn't. She and Simon had their own life, and they were free for the first time in years, except when they wanted to see Jimmy and Sam, or Allegra came by, or Scott came back from Stanford, which was rare now. They had time for each other; they were making plans for their new collaboration as soon as she did her last show. They were even talking about going to Europe for a while before his next movie. It was the most time they'd had for each other in years, and Simon really enjoyed it. He even came home for lunch now sometimes, and they seemed to spend more time in bed than they ever had when they were younger.

Maybe getting old isn't so bad, Blaire had teased him only that morning, as he pulled her out of the shower and dragged her back to bed to make love, complaining that she had gotten up too fast that morning. She had still been dripping wet, and her hair was piled on top of her head. He had left for the office afterward, half an hour late for an appointment.

But they were at the end, or getting closer to it. Allegra and Jeff were all the way at the beginning, like Jimmy and Sam, when love was still young, and there were mountains to be climbed, before children, before real life, before victories and defeats, and all the things that make you who you are. In some ways Blaire envied them; in other ways she didn't. She had already been there, and she liked the valleys now. The mountains had gotten just a little bit too rugged.

Just relax and try to get through this week, was the best advice Blaire could give her. This is probably the hardest part.

I'm glad I didn't have to do all this stuff. Sam laughed, putting Matthew back on her breast again, and gently touching his velvety cheek with her finger. But Blaire was still sorry that Sam had missed it. She had skipped right over the window dressing, and gone for the brass ring. But for the moment, it looked like she had a good hold on it. And poor Allegra was still riding the carousel, and her head was spinning.

Both of her bridesmaids called her when they got in on Tuesday night. They were both staying at the Bel Air, and Allegra had had Alice send flowers to their rooms, and magazines and chocolates. Their dresses were hanging in the closet, waiting for them, along with beige lace shoes in the sizes that Allegra had been given. Absolutely every last detail was in order.

Allegra was meeting them for lunch at the hotel on Wednesday with the fitter. She had booked an enormous suite and she was going to bring Sam. Carmen was meeting them there for her fitting too. And Allegra had to go to the title company before that to sign papers for the sale of her house. It was truly a whirlwind week. She was dizzy from all that she was trying to accomplish.

The best part of it was that she hadn't seen Nancy Towers in five years, when she moved to New York and then to London, or Jessica Farnsworth since law school. It had been a long time, but they had been dear friends, and it meant something to her to have them take part in her wedding.

When Allegra got to the hotel with Sam, she was helping her carry Matthew's bag, and a swing that would keep him happy while they tried on their dresses and had lunch. Allegra had reserved a big suite so they'd have privacy and could get everything done. The hairdresser wanted to meet them too, and he was bringing the makeup artist with him, and there were going to be a few informal pictures.

Blaire had decided not to come. She said she didn't want to intrude on the younger women. And no amount of arguing with her would persuade her, even though Delilah Williams said she really had to come. She wanted to meet all the girls, not just one or two of them, and see how divine they looked in their pretty dresses. Allegra had made such a good choice with the beige lace, and since they obviously all had such good figures, the fitting wasn't going to be a problem.

But, evidently, the gods had been drinking that day. When Sam and Allegra arrived, first the suite wasn't ready, and then it started to rain. They got soaked as they ran past the swans, trying to juggle all of Matthew's belongings and entertainment. Carmen was already there waiting for them. She was drinking Coke, nibbling on a box of chocolates, and talking to her agent on the phone. She was swinging one long leg over the other in a legendary pose, but as soon as she stood up, Allegra knew they were going to have a problem. She hadn't seen Carmen in a month, and she was only two and a half months' pregnant, but Allegra thought she must be having twins. She had doubled the size of her waist, and her hips were even bigger than that. She had to be wearing a size twelve dress. Allegra cringed, remembering the size of the dress they had ordered for her.

What happened to you? Allegra said in an undertone. They were good enough friends that she could be honest. How much weight have you gained?

Twenty pounds, Carmen said without a blink. Thank God, we finished the movie.

How could you gain so much so fast? Sam only gained twenty-five the whole time, Allegra scolded. There was no way they were going to get her into the dress. They'd have to leave it open and have her whole behind hanging out, and there certainly seemed to be a lot of that. She was going to be very sorry later. But she was so happy to be pregnant again, she was doing nothing but staying home and sleeping and eating.

Your sister is only ten years old, she hissed back. No wonder she weighs eighty pounds.

She has a little self-control, Allegra clucked, and then they all sat around and admired Matthew.

In the end, Sam tried her dress on first, and she had actually lost weight since before she got pregnant. She was five nine and weighed a hundred and twelve pounds, and the zipper started up at full speed, and then stopped halfway up her back, and it was easy to see why. Nobody had taken into account the fact that she was nursing.

What size bra are you wearing these days? Allegra asked, looking panicked.

Thirty-eight D, she said proudly.

Oh, my God, do they make them that size? her sister asked, and Carmen rolled her eyes.

I can hardly wait, Carmen said cheerfully.

Didn't it occur to you that maybe you should tell me? Allegra asked her sister. You went from a thirty-two A to a thirty-eight D and you didn't think it would make any difference?

I forgot. Sam apologized, but the fitter said she could take enough fabric from elsewhere to make up for it. Carmen's was another matter. They frantically called Valentino, and they said they had one more dress, in a size fourteen. Would that be too large?

I'm afraid not, Allegra said with a sigh of relief, ready to kill Carmen. Two down, and two to go, and with that, Nancy Towers arrived, all excited to see her again. Nancy had gotten married and divorced, was thinking of moving back to New York, was trying to start a magazine, had dyed her hair, and then dyed it back, and had been having an affair with a divine man in Munich. She had a very international life, and Allegra was exhausted by the time she'd heard it all, or most of it, and there always seemed to be more. But there was also more of her than there had once been. She had claimed to wear a four, and was more like a ten now. She had gotten a little bit roly-poly. But the dress Carmen had outgrown could be altered to fit her, and they were saved once again from the jaws of disaster.

I don't think my nerves are going to hold out, Allegra said as she sat down and looked at Sam.

Relax, you're going to be fine, her suddenly mature sister said calmly as she held her baby.

You sound just like Mom. Allegra smiled, thinking she even looked like Blaire, and she leaned over and kissed her. You're a good kid. Did I ever tell you that? She'd felt closer to her ever since the birth of the baby.

Not lately, but I figured it out. You're a pretty terrific older sister. And then she lowered her voice. But your friends are getting a little fat. The two sisters laughed, and then Jessica arrived, but no one had warned Allegra of how much her life had changed in the past five or six years. She arrived wearing short hair, no makeup, and a beautiful Armani suit she had bought in Milan. She worked in publishing, but she had a lot of friends in fashion, and she had a spare, austere look that was very fashionable in Europe and on the East Coast, but there was more to it than that. There was a quality about Jessica that had never been there before, and Allegra couldn't help noticing that Jessica had glanced with particular interest at Carmen. And then, as she looked at her more carefully, Allegra realized what had changed since they last met. She was openly gay now, when for years she had been in the closet.

Jessica, now Jess, talked about her lover over lunch. She talked about her life, and the fact that she felt that the lesbian movement had gained momentum in the West, but not enough in the East. Carmen just stared at her and told her there were no lesbians in Portland.

Well, there sure are in London, Nancy said, laughing. She laughed at everything and everyone. She had a great time wherever she was, even if she did drink a little too much. But she was the life of the party.

Have you ever had a homosexual experience? Jess asked Nancy casually, and Nancy paused, thinking about it, while Carmen blushed, and Sam looked pointedly at her older sister, who was trying to remain calm. She was convinced now that she was never going to survive her wedding.

Actually, Nancy finally answered Jess. I don't recall that I have, she said nonchalantly.

Oh, you'd remember it. And then Jessica agreed to try the dress. She took off her shirt and the Armani suit, and she was wearing silk Jockey shorts, and nothing else, and Allegra had to admit that she had a fabulous body. But it was not one that appealed to her, and just knowing what her interests were made Allegra faintly uncomfortable. And later as the waiter poured champagne, Jessica teased her about making a big mistake marrying a man, she should have been marrying a woman. She noticed then that Jess was wearing a narrow gold wedding band, and she explained that she'd lived with the same woman for two years now. She was a fashion designer from Japan, and they traveled all over Europe and the Far East whenever they got the chance, for pleasure and business. She led an interesting life, but had made some very different choices from Allegra.

But at least the dress fit, and when Delilah arrived, everything appeared to be in fairly good order. The shoes fit almost comfortably, the hats were fine, the photographer took some informal pictures, and by then Nancy had had a little too much to drink, and Jess had decided to play games and, more for the fun of it, appeared to be in hot pursuit of Carmen.

I'm pregnant, for God's sake, she snapped, when Jess put a tantalizing finger down her neck as a joke, but Carmen was not amused by it.

It's all right, I don't mind, Jess said, and a little while later she was chatting seriously to Sam and holding the baby. She was a nice woman, and over the past several years she had come out of the closet, and she was completely unashamed of who she was, and at times she was unabashedly outrageous. In some ways, Allegra still loved that about her, but she needed to readjust her thinking about her a little.

Why didn't you tell me? Allegra asked, later that afternoon.

I don't know. I didn't know you that well anymore. It's a hard thing to explain sometimes. I didn't think you'd understand.

I probably wouldn't have, Allegra said honestly. And after that, they talked about the impact of AIDS on our culture, and all the friends they'd lost, particularly in Hollywood, or creative fields in London and Paris. They all had. And finally, at five o'clock, they gave up the room and left. The two women from out of town had plans to see friends. And they were all getting together with Allegra again the next night for her bachelor dinner. The rehearsal dinner was the night after that. And then, finally, the wedding.

If I survive it, Allegra said as she dropped off Sam and the baby in Bel Air. It had been an exhausting but amusing afternoon. She wasn't even sure if she liked her old friends anymore, but they were part of her life, and her history, and they were there to be part of her wedding. She was still a little taken aback by Jess. She was thinking about her as she stopped off at her office, to pick up her messages and some work on her way to pick up Jeff on the set. It was a big day for him. This was it. The final hour. The end of his first movie.

She walked quietly onto the set and watched the last take of the final scene, and heard the victory yell as the director said the magic words, It's a wrap, folks. And Jeff and Tony shook hands and then hugged. It was an emotional moment for them and the entire cast. And when Jeff turned and saw Allegra, he was beaming. Tony came over and hugged her too. He was short and wiry and blond, and as different from Jeff as two men could be. But they both knew they'd done a fine job and were proud of what they'd accomplished. Producing the movie had been hard work, but full of rewards and private visions. They had a party that night, and Allegra stayed. By the time they got back to Malibu, Allegra was absolutely exhausted.

How was your day? Jeff finally asked, focusing on her again as they got home. It had been such a big day for him. The movie was finally over. Now they had to deal with postproduction, but the problems were more likely to be smaller. The stars would have gone home, and the cast and crew. The rest was up to editors, the director, and him and Tony.

My day was strange, Allegra answered with a grin, and told him about Nancy and Jess. The odd thing was, she had nothing in common with either one of them anymore. They were old friends, but they had become strangers.

That's why I didn't want a lot of my old school buddies coming out from New York. After a while, you have nothing in common. The only one I still care about is Tony.

You were smarter than I was.

They sat and talked about it for a while, and then finally went to bed. He still had some loose ends to tie up the next day, and at noon, he had to pick up his mother.

Allegra would have gone too, but she had to go over some final details for the wedding with her mother, and Blaire wanted Allegra to help with the seating for the rehearsal dinner. It all seemed so out of control. It always reminded her of how much smarter Carmen had been to go to Las Vegas. Not to mention Sam, who had gone nowhere at all, but that was different.

She agreed to meet Jeff and his mother for tea at the Bel Air that afternoon. And this time, she was bringing reinforcements. She had asked her mother to join them. Blaire had promised to come, no matter how busy she was. But even Allegra's warnings hadn't prepared her.

Mrs. Hamilton was wearing a dark suit and a white silk blouse as she walked stiffly around the gardens of the Bel Air when Allegra first saw her.

Hello, Mrs. Hamilton. How was the trip?

Fine, thank you, Allegra, she said formally, with no invitation to call her anything else. Certainly not Mary, or Mom, or Mother.

They went into the dining room to sit down, and Blaire went quietly to work on her, and by the end of an hour, they were not fast friends, but there was a certain mutual respect there, and the two mothers were quite cordial. Jeff was particularly grateful to his future mother-in-law for her efforts. She knew just how to handle Mrs. Hamilton, and although she certainly wasn't easy, Blaire told Allegra later, she could be managed.

Mrs. Hamilton told Jeff, as he escorted her back to her room to lie down, that for a woman in show business, Mrs. Steinberg was extremely intelligent, and surprisingly distinguished. All of which he reported to Allegra the minute he got back to her in the lobby.

She likes your mom, he translated into simple English.

Mom likes her too.

What about you? You holding up okay? He remembered their hideous argument two weeks before, and their appalling insults about each other's families, particularly his mother. He felt an obligation to defend her, but he also knew that some of what Allegra had said was true. Mary Hamilton was far from easy. But she wasn't young, she wasn't of the modern world, she was prejudiced and biased, and limited in her own way. And Jeff was her only child. You had to give her a break for some of it. But Jeff also sympathized with Allegra.

I'm fine. I'm just nervous.

Who isn't? He grinned. They had their bachelor dinners to get through that night. To Allegra, much of what she was doing seemed to be about survival. It wasn't relaxing, it wasn't fun. You just had to get through it. Even their wedding gifts weren't as much fun as she would have liked them to be. After the first one, a pair of crystal candlesticks from Carrier, there had been ten more pairs like them. And everything they got had to be listed, cataloged, inventoried, computerized, and thanked for. It was all work, and no fun. All the little details just became a headache. She wanted to tell people to wait and send them things later, but of course she didn't.

What's on your agenda for your bachelor party tonight? Jeff asked as he drove her home to change. She was hardly getting anything done at the office, but she hadn't really expected to anyway. And Alice was trying to cover all her bases.

We're having dinner at Spago, she said, lying back against the seat with a yawn.

We're going to The Troy.

That sounds pretty civilized. Hopefully nobody will show up with half a dozen hookers. Those stories of bachelor parties had never amused her. It did not seem to be any way to start a marriage, and she would have been furious with whoever brought them, and even more so with Jeff if he used them.

But as it turned out, his bachelor party was far more chaste than hers, thanks to some of her colleagues, whom Carmen had invited. At Jeff's, there was the required stripper but she came and left without incident a series of bawdy songs and limericks and stories, and the only unexpected visitor was brought by Alan Carr. He had brought an alligator, heavily drugged, on a leash, with its trainer, and it was wearing a little sign around its neck that said ALLEGRA. The guys thought it was hysterical, but Allegra was happy no one had brought it for her. She would have been terrified. The guys, on the other hand, loved it.

A male stripper showed up at Spago for her, which Jess said was very boring. She had a good sense of humor about things, and she teased the other girls a lot, and somehow made the whole gay issue very unthreatening, and at times very funny. The girls all gave Allegra outrageous gifts, dirty movies and vibrators, and there were X-rated party favors, crotchless underwear for all, with pasties and G-strings, and gifts of marital aids for Allegra. It was funny for a while, but it got tiresome by the end, and all she wanted to do when she got home was climb into bed and go to sleep and forget the wedding.

It's like being in the Olympics, she muttered as she fell asleep next to him, wondering if they were doing the right thing. Why was everyone else so sure? Carmen ‘ Sam ‘ why was it so easy for them, and hard for her? Was she afraid of the wedding, or him? She couldn't remember any of the answers, but she fell into a deep sleep immediately, and spent the rest of the night having nightmares.

Chapter 22

Friday was the hardest day of all for her. It was her last day at work, and she wrapped up everything. Her house had already been sold, and escrow was closed. She seemed to be doing nothing anymore except tying up loose ends. And there was one last big one for her to deal with. Her father was flying in that afternoon, and she had agreed to meet him at the Belage for coffee.

She had been dreading it for weeks, and had nightmares about it all night. This had nothing to do with Jeff, or the wedding. It had to do with her, and her life, and her memories, and freedom, and she knew it. She had been waiting twenty-five years for this moment.

What she hated most about what was happening these days was that she seemed to be losing Jeff in the midst of all the preparations. Everything was about hats and shoes and veils and videos and photographs and wedding cakes and bridesmaids. It had nothing to do with him and what had brought them together in the first place. It was almost as though they had to get through it now, like a maze, in order to find each other again, and she could hardly wait to see him.

She had left the house that morning before he got up, and called him after he'd left for God knows where he had his own arrangements to make for the ushers. They'd wanted to have lunch, but never hooked up, and now she had to meet with her father, Charles Stanton.

The rehearsal would be late that afternoon, and she'd see Jeff then, and then they would lose each other again at the rehearsal dinner. And that night she was staying at her parents', just for tradition's sake, so she wouldn't see him before the wedding, and she no longer had her own house to go to. But she was looking forward to staying with them, and maybe chatting with Sam until late at night, if she came to visit from the cottage.

But in the meantime, Allegra had work to do. She had to see her father. She had talked about it with Sam, and about how reluctant she was to go down the aisle with him, and Simon had scolded her. You make it sound like a kidnapping.

In his case, it is, Allegra had said, and all she could think of as she went to the hotel was that she had to tell him he was a guest at the wedding, and not her father. The part of the father will be played tonight by Simon Steinberg, not Charles Stanton. She was still thinking of it as she walked into the lobby, and walked right into him, and didn't know it.

She excused herself and went to the desk, and then when she got there, she turned and looked. He looked familiar, but so much older. He was watching her too, and he walked over slowly.

Allegra? he asked cautiously, and she nodded, holding her breath. It was him. Her father.

Hi, she said, bereft of words, as he suggested they go to the bar, but when they sat down, he ordered a Coca-Cola, and she was glad to see it. At least he wasn't drinking. Those were her worst memories of him, when he was drunk and had beaten her mother.

They chatted about nonentities for a while, California, Boston, her work, the weather. He didn't ask about Blaire, and Allegra sensed that he probably still had a lot of animosity against her. He had never forgiven her for leaving. She told him that Jeff was from New York, and that two of his grandfathers had been physicians.

How did he escape? Charles Stanton said, trying to warm up to her, and not finding it easy. There was a wall between them. And she was surprised by how old and frail he looked. Her mother said he would be seventy-five; she had never realized that he was that much older than her mother.

He's a writer, Allegra said about Jeff, and told him about both books, and his movie. He's very talented, she explained, but she couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. All she really wanted to know was why he had hated her so much, why he had never seen her, never called her, never loved her. She wanted to ask him what had happened when her brother died, but just sitting there with him like that, she couldn't. All her anger just sat in a little pool, like oil, with nowhere to go unless someone lit a match and let it burst into flame. But at last he did it. He asked about her mother, and his tone of voice said it all as Allegra bristled.

Why do you sound that way when you ask about her? Allegra asked, suddenly astonished by her own question. It had come out of some dark recess of her heart, with no warning whatsoever.

What do you mean? He looked uncomfortable, and sipped his Coca-Cola. He was the master of passive aggression. I have no animosity toward your mother. He lied, and his eyes said so. He hated her even more than he had hated Allegra. In Allegra's case he just seemed not to care. In Blaire's, he had old scores to settle.

Yes, you do have animosity toward Mom. Allegra stared him down. But that's understandable, she left you.

What do you know of all that? he said, sounding irritated and cranky. That was a long time ago. You were a child then.

I still remember it. ‘ I still remember the fights ‘ the screaming ‘ the things you both said’ .

How could you? He looked down into his drink, remembering it as well. You were barely more than a baby.

I was five years old, six when we left. It was awful. He nodded, unable to deny it, afraid she did remember the times he had hit Blaire, and all the rest. He knew himself that he'd been crazy then. And then Allegra decided to brave the deepest waters. She knew it was the only way to reach the opposite shore again, and this time she knew she had to. She might never see him again. It might be her only chance to free herself, and him. The worst part, she said, was when Paddy died. But as she said it, he winced, as though she had hit him.

There was no help for that, he said brusquely. He had a form of leukemia that could not be cured, by anyone. Not in those days. Perhaps not even now, he said sadly.

I believe you, she said softly, and she did. Her mother had told her that years later. But she also knew that her father thought he should have saved him, and had never forgiven himself for failing. It was why he drank, and why he lost them. But I do remember him ‘ he was always so sweet to me’ . In some ways, he was like Jeff. He was so gentle, and giving, and took such good care of her. I loved him so much.

Her father closed his eyes and looked away from her. There's no point talking about that now. As he said it, she remembered that he had no other children, and for just an instant, she felt sorry for him. He was tired and alone, and sick probably, and he had nothing. She had Jeff and her parents, Sam, and Scott, and even Jimmy and Matthew. All Charles Stanton had were regrets, and ghosts, one child he had loved and lost, and another he had abandoned.

Why didn't you ever want to see me? she said quietly. After that, I mean? Why didn't you ever call, or answer my letters?

I was very angry at your mother, he said, unhappy to be asked about it so many years later. But it was not an explanation that satisfied Allegra.

You were my father. She had deserted me, and so had you, as far as I was concerned, and hanging on to you was just too painful. I knew I'd never win you back, either of you. It was simpler to just let go and forget you. Was that what he had done then? He had forced her from his head, refused her? Buried her like Paddy? Cut her off? Severed the tie that bound them?

But why? Allegra pressed him. Why didn't you answer my letters, or at least talk to me? And when I did talk to you, you were so angry, and so mean. She came right out and said it, but she had to.

He said something very strange then. I didn't want you in my life, Allegra. I didn't want you to love me. Perhaps that sounds strange to you. But I loved you very much, both of you, and when I lost you, I gave up. It was like losing Patrick all over again. I knew I couldn't fight the distance, or your new life here. Within a year after you left, you had a stepfather, three years later, a new brother, and I knew there would be more after that. She had a new life, so did you. It would have been cruel to try to hold on to you, for both of us. It was kinder to you to simply let go, to let the tides sweep you away to your new life. This way, you had nothing to look back at. You had no past, only a future.

But I took it all with me, she said sadly. I took you and Paddy everywhere. I never understood why you stopped loving me, she said with tears in her eyes. I needed to know why. I always thought you hated me, she said, looking deep into his eyes, needing affirmation.

I never hated you, he said, smiling sadly, and he barely dared to touch her fingers. But I had nothing to give you then. I was broken. I hated your mother for a while, but even that dissipated after a time. I had my own demons to live with. And then he sighed and looked at her. I tried an experimental treatment on your brother, Allegra. He would have died anyway, but I was sure that it would help him. It didn't in fact, I always feared it had shortened his life, perhaps not by much, but by something. Your mother always said that I killed him. He looked beaten again as he said it.

She didn't say that to me when we talked about it. She never has.

Perhaps she's forgiven me, he said sadly.

She did that a long time ago, Allegra said quietly. There were no easy answers. There was no way of truly understanding what had made him let go of her, but at least she knew now that it had been his own demons, his own guilt, his own terrors, his own inadequacies that had convinced him it was the right decision. He simply had nothing to give her. It was what Dr. Green had always told her, and she had never believed, but at least now she had heard him say it.

I loved you very much, he said quietly. They were the words she had waited most of her lifetime to hear. I suppose I didn't know how then. I still love you, that's why I came out here. I'm beginning to understand that time is a luxury, and sometimes it's better to spend it. Sometimes I think of the things I would say to you, of the times I should have called you, like on your birthday. I always remember it, yours and Paddy's, and hers ‘ but I've never called you. I thought about it for a long time when you wrote to me. I wasn't going to answer you. And then I realized I didn't want to miss your wedding. There were tears in his eyes when he said it. This was important to him, even more than he could tell Allegra.

Thank you, she said, as tears slid down her cheeks. She was thanking him for his words, his honesty, her freedom. I'm glad you came, she said, kissing his hand, and he smiled at her, not daring to respond more than he already had. As before, he was bound by his own limitations, as we all are.

I'm glad I came too, he said softly, still shaken by their conversation.

They had another Coca-Cola then, and talked about the wedding for a while, and she said nothing to him about who would walk her down the aisle. She was thinking of having Delilah tell him. But she was so relieved about the things he had said, that he had cared, and thought about her, and had even remembered her birthdays. It was unimportant in a way, he still hadn't called her in the end, yet to Allegra, it made a tremendous difference.

When she stood up, she offered to drive him to the rehearsal. They were holding it in the same place as the rehearsal dinner itself, which was easier than going all the way back to Bel Air to the Steinbergs' garden, especially while the gardeners were still frantically working. The wedding was at five o'clock the next day. They had exactly twenty-three hours left in which to do it.

On the drive over, he astounded her, by admitting that he was nervous about seeing Blaire. It seemed so strange to her. Her mother had been married to Simon for twenty-three years; this man had no part in her life at all. Except he did. Historically. They had been married for eleven years, and she had borne him two children. It was hard to imagine it, he looked so gray and tired and old. He was so restrained and reserved and conservative. So unlike the beautiful, expansive, youthful, lively woman she knew as her mother. She seemed in no way related to Charles Stanton. And in fact, now, she wasn't.

They arrived at the Bistro promptly at six o'clock, and the rest of the wedding party was starting to arrive. The minister and Delilah were conferring in a corner, while waitresses served champagne, and at exactly seven o'clock, Delilah brought everyone to order. Allegra's whole family was there, her bridesmaids, her friends, the minister, and both her fathers. Jeff's mother was standing next to him, in a severe black dress with her hair pulled back, and she looked terribly serious, but Allegra thought she actually looked pretty, all things considered.

Alan was telling Simon all about the film in Switzerland, while Carmen chatted with Sam about the baby. For once, Sam had left Matthew at home with a baby-sitter. She had nursed him right before she left, and she had told Jimmy she didn't want to stay too long, it was the first time she had ever left the baby. But it felt great to be out again, and Jimmy had been admiring his wife's luxurious figure.

They were a handsome group, and the tabloids would have been well satisfied with the names that were represented, as the minister explained exactly what the drill would be the next day, who would go where, who would do what first, and Charles Stanton looked confused about what his role was, and Simon saw it. He drew him quietly aside, introduced himself, and shook his hand, and told him he had an unusual suggestion. Allegra had heard the beginning of it, but then they moved away from her, and she couldn't hear what they were discussing.

It was all very exciting suddenly. It was happening. All the pieces of the puzzle fit. It was coming together. Her oldest friends were there, and her family. And her father had even admitted to her that he loved her. He had been confused and frail and misguided in what he'd done to her, but she had not been abandoned through any fault of her own, or perhaps even of his. She had always known that, and been told by experts, but at last she had been able to hear it from her father.

She had introduced him to a few of her friends as they came in, and if one narrowed one's eyes very carefully, one could see a small resemblance, but it was Blaire she really looked like, and Simon that she loved as a father. But this man was still part of her, of her history, her ancestry, her past, and her future. He simply was, just as she was a part of Matthew.

She had introduced her father to Mrs. Hamilton too, but after the minister had explained everything and the group had gone back to chatting again, Charles slowly made his way over to Allegra and her mother. They had been standing together, discussing the garden.

Hello, Blaire. If he had been any younger, he might have blushed. As it was, he simply stared at her. She looked so unchanged, so youthful. For him, it was like turning the clock back. And the memories were bittersweet as they washed over him, and he remembered when Paddy and Allegra were children. You look very well, he said softly.

So do you, she said, not knowing what else to say to him, as their eyes met. They shared the same memories, the same pain, the same dashed hopes, and once upon a time they had shared the same joys and laughter. It was hard to remember those days now. Only the tragedies remained: Paddy's death, and their departure. He had come here to add one last memory to their albums.

It was nice of you to come, Blaire said, as Allegra went to greet Tony Jacobson, Jeff's director. And as she moved away, she noticed that Nancy Towers was in hot pursuit of her brother, and Scott didn't seem to mind it. She had already had a little too much to drink, and her hand kept wandering across his thigh. Scott's eyes met Allegra's and she nodded.

She looks so much like you, Charles said to Blaire, watching Allegra fly across the room, laughing, her hair moving just as Blaire's had. She was so tall, and young and graceful. She gave me a start at first ‘ I thought it was you’ . We had a good talk this afternoon at the hotel.

So she said, Blaire said, wanting to reach out to him, to comfort him, to tell him how sorry she was all these years later. Is everything all right, Charles? she said, trying not to remember when they were young and she had called him Charlie.

My life is very quiet, he said, but he seemed to accept it. You have a lovely family, he said, looking around. It was easy to spot them. All of her children looked like her. And he had liked his brief conversation with Simon. Maybe she had gotten what she deserved. She hadn't deserved the pain he'd given her. But he couldn't help it. He hoped she knew that. He wished he could say to her the things he had said to Allegra that afternoon, but they both knew this was different.

I'm glad you're here, Charles, she said, and he understood her. His eyes were full of tears as he touched her hand and walked away. He couldn't be near her any longer. It was just too painful. He went to talk to Mary Hamilton instead, and found that they not only had several mutual friends in Boston, but he had known her father, who had been one of his professors in medical school. They were talking animatedly when Blaire urged them all to sit down to dinner.

There were several toasts that night, and Jeff and Allegra actually got to sit together and talk and laugh, and be with their friends. And the following night they'd be at the Bel Air Hotel, and the next morning off to Europe. It was hard to believe that the moment had come, the day had arrived almost. It was another twenty hours till their wedding.

Simon toasted them that night, and Jeff toasted her, and Blaire said how proud she was of all her children. And Allegra saw Charles Stanton watching her more than once, but he was getting on very well with Jeff's mother, and she seemed to be a lot friendlier than Allegra had ever seen her, as she responded. Charles Stanton and Mrs. Hamilton were fast friends by the end of the evening, and Charles was escorting her back to the Bel Air when Allegra last saw them.

I think my ex-father is chasing your mother. She laughed as she told Jeff before he left to drive back to Malibu, I'm going to miss you tonight. Suddenly it seemed such a stupid old tradition, to not see the bride before the wedding. In those days, it hadn't been a matter of people living together and forfeiting one night before the honeymoon, it had been far more serious than it was now. This was only token deprivation.

How did it go with him today, by the way? Jeff asked cautiously. He had never had a chance to ask her at dinner.

Pretty well, she said with a small smile. I think I got some of the insights I needed. He's kind of a sad person actually. He must be very lonely.

Maybe he's more comfortable that way. I can't imagine your mother with him. They're as different as night and day.

They are, aren't they? Thank God for Simon.

Are you all straightened out about who's walking you down the aisle? Jeff was smiling at her; he hated to leave her.

Simon said he took care of it, not to worry. Thank God. She breathed a sigh of relief. She had made peace with her father for the first time in more than twenty years, but she still wanted to walk down the aisle with Simon.

Outside the Bistro, they all got into separate cars. Sam had already left with Jimmy an hour before, with breasts like bowling balls, to nurse her baby. And Allegra kept reminding Jeff of where her suitcases were for the honeymoon. She was afraid he'd forget them.

Don't forget my suitcases, she shouted out the window after him as they left.

I'll try not to! he shouted back, following Alan and Carmen in their car, who were going to Malibu too. They stayed there most of the time now.

Ten minutes later, she was back at her parents' house in Bel Air. Simon and Blaire were checking some details, and the lights were burning bright in the cottage. Allegra was dying to visit them, but she didn't want to intrude. She would have loved to see Scott, but he had disappeared after dinner with Nancy, and Allegra had a feeling he wouldn't be back till the morning.

You'd better get some sleep, Blaire warned, as Allegra roamed around the house, looking restless.

I'm not tired, she said, sounding like a little kid, and her mother smiled.

You will be tomorrow.

In the end, there was nothing else for her to do, and she went upstairs to her old room, got undressed and into bed, and lay there. She called Jeff, he had just gotten home, and they talked about what a nice evening it had been, how funny some of their friends were, and how excited they were about the wedding. I love you so much, he said, and meant every word of it. It was the happiest time he could remember.

I love you too, she answered him, and after they hung up, she lay awake for hours, thinking of him, and how lucky she was. She had found exactly the man she wanted. More importantly, he was the man she needed. And just as she had dreamed, in some ways, he reminded her of Simon.

She slept peacefully that night, and there were no dreams. She had taken care of everything. Her work, her life, her past, her future, and her father.

Chapter 23

On Saturday, September fifth, the weather in Los Angeles was brilliantly sunny. There was no haze, no smog. There was the smallest breeze, and a bright blue sky, and at five o'clock, it was still beautiful and the sun was shining.

Allegra was standing in her bedroom then. The dress fit her exquisitely, the hat was spectacular, and the long, full veil swept over it, and made her look like a fairy princess. Her hair was gently upswept under her hat, and she looked incredible with the lace skirt at her knees in front and long in the back, and her mother handed her the fragrant bouquet David Jones had designed for her.

Oh, my God, Allegra ‘ her mother said, as tears filled her eyes. She'd never seen a bride as lovely as her daughter. She looked absolutely regal in the dress Gianfranco Ferre had designed for Dior, and when Simon saw her walking down the stairs to him, tears filled his eyes too. There was no way to stop them.

Oh, sweetheart, he said. There was absolutely no doubt in either of their minds that she was his daughter. And he knew, as he looked at her, that neither of them would ever forget this.

The music was playing softly outside; the guests were waiting for them. And Delilah was napping around the living room like an ostrich, rounding up her chickens. The bridesmaids were already lined up, and everything was ready to go as Simon came up to Allegra.

I did something yesterday, Allie. I talked to Charles. I had an idea’ . Now, don't get mad at me, he said, and she started to get nervous. It's sort of a compromise. He whispered in her ear, she considered for a moment, then smiled at him and nodded. And almost as soon as she did, Charles Stanton appeared in his morning coat and striped pants. He looked very distinguished and somewhat stiff. But Simon looked absolutely movie-star gorgeous.

All right, ladies, let's go quietly, Delilah said, pretending to clap her hands silently, and suddenly Allegra giggled. It was all so silly. They had spent months on this, and it was all a big show, with a thousand ridiculous details. Quietly and slowly! ‘ quietly and slowly! Delilah was whispering, demonstrating the solemn pace to them.

Nancy went first, having spent an unforgettable night with Scott in her room at the Bel Air, and Jess came right after her, looking extremely ladylike in her beige lace dress and beige organza picture hat. She winked at Allegra just before she stepped out into the garden, and the bride laughed irreverently. It was the happiest day of her life, and in ten minutes she would be married to Jeff ‘ forever.

Carmen was the next in line. They had purposely placed her third so she wouldn't steal the show, but even with her expanded waistline it was hard for her not to. She had the kind of looks that took people's breath away, and there were lots of whispers as she glided down the aisle to the flowered altar. And then came Sam, so young, so pure, so striking with her tall, lithe figure that was so like Blaire's and Allegra's. Jimmy was an usher, and he was up ahead waiting for her with the others at the altar.

Then there was a long pause as everyone waited for the bride, and at last she came, every bit as beautiful as everyone had hoped she would be. She came toward them on her father's arm, with measured steps, and eyes cast down beneath her veil, and she could feel him tremble beside her. He had come back to her at just the right time in her life, time for her to leave him this time, and not be left. And this time, they would sail on, neither of them abandoned.

And as they came halfway down the aisle, Charles Stanton stopped, and turned to look at her with a small smile. He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it, as he gave her his blessing.

Godspeed, my child ‘ I love you, he whispered, and she looked at him in amazement. He'd said it. He stepped aside just as Simon stepped smoothly beside her, tucked her hand in his arm, and guided her toward the altar, just as he had through life. They had led her as they had through her nearly thirty years, Charles Stanton through her very early years, and Simon after. And then, holding tightly to her, Simon looked down at his first child, the little girl Blaire had brought to him, so hungry for love, so frightened. I love you, he said through tears, and she stood on tiptoe to kiss him. And then she left him, as she had all others, forsaking them in just the way she had loved them before, and taking on a new role as Jeff's wife. As Simon went to sit beside Blaire, Allegra turned wide, trusting eyes filled with love to her husband. She had come far for him, and together they would go farther. They had each waited a long time for the other.

You look so beautiful, Jeff whispered as she squeezed his hand.

I love you so much, she whispered back, and he looked down at her, so proud, so young, so tall, so hopeful, as the people who had loved her cried, wishing her a peaceful future.

They pledged their love, and troth, and promised to forsake all others, and then at last Jeff kissed her for a long, long time, as the assembled guests applauded.

The minister pronounced them man and wife, and they hurried down the aisle hand in hand, while the guests threw rose petals at them. It was a happy time, a happy day; it was the culmination of a lifetime.

The guests swore she was the prettiest bride they'd ever seen, and she and Jeff greeted everyone, and at last Peter Duchin played Fascination for them, and they began a slow waltz around the dance floor. Everyone stood in rapt admiration. They were the best-looking couple they'd ever seen. And then Allegra dutifully danced with Charles, who seemed quite overcome by emotion, and at last with Simon, who guided her easily around the dance floor, making her laugh at all the absurdities, and the fun of her wedding, just as always. He had a light touch, and a heart that had engulfed hers long since. And after her father, she danced with Alan, and then her brother, and her new brother-in-law, then Tony, Art, and their friends, and Jeff again. She danced for hours, and at last they finally had dinner. And she danced some more, and thanked her mother and Simon for the splendid wedding, and she told them they'd been right all along. They had two hundred and fifty guests and it was perfect. And even Mary Hamilton seemed to be having a good time. Charles Stanton hadn't left her side all evening.

Then, at last, while Allegra changed into a white silk Valentino suit, Simon danced slowly with Blaire, savoring the last moments of the wedding. Jimmy and Sam were dancing nearby, and as Blaire looked at them she suddenly felt terrible and looked up at Simon.

Do you realize the poor thing has had a baby and gotten married in the last month and a half, and she never even had a wedding? Maybe we should do something for them after we put the kitchen back, Blaire mused, looking up at him. Suddenly it all seemed so simple, but he was laughing and shaking his head.

Don't you dare. I'd rather give them a check and send them on a honeymoon. Don't you dare plan another wedding, he said firmly, and then looked at his youngest child, so happy in her husband's arms, and then back at his wife. Sam still looked so innocent and so trusting. Unless she really wants one. Maybe you should ask her’ . He hated to cheat her out of a wedding after all she'd been through.

We could do something for her at Christmastime ‘ or next spring ‘ Blaire was already planning: a Christmas party for Sam ‘ a renewal of their vows ‘ little Christmas trees all over the garden ‘ a tent ‘ a younger band than Peter's, something the kids would like’ .

Stop, Simon said, laughing at her. Why don't we get married again? That might really be fun. And in their case, perhaps appropriate. Since Matthew had been born, they had had a renewal of their marriage. I love you, you silly girl’ . Stop planning Sam's wedding for five minutes. I just want you to know I think you're terrific.

I think you are too. I thought that was a stroke of genius, what you did about Allegra coming down the aisle with Charles. It gave everyone a chance, and in some ways, it was so symbolic’ .

It comes from working with actors for forty years ‘ compromise and creativity. It works every time.

I'll have to remember that when I come to work with you next week, she teased, as they danced to New York, New York. And then Allegra appeared in her white Valentino. She stood on the stage with the band, and turned her back to the crowd, and threw her bouquet high above and behind her, and it flew through the air and landed in Jess's arms, who shook her head and tossed it away again like a hand grenade ready to go off, and this time Samantha caught it. Sam and her sister laughed over it, and as Allegra kissed her good-bye, she whispered to her that their mother wanted to give her a wedding over Christmas.

Oh, no, Sam squealed, like a kid facing spinach. I couldn't’ . Jimmy would kill me’ . I'd die’ . She meant it sincerely. Allegra's wedding had been beautiful, but in Sam's opinion, way too much trouble.

Tell Mom, Allegra said, waving at everyone as they got into the car to leave for the hotel. It had been the perfect wedding.

Blaire and Simon watched her go. She had come to kiss them good-bye and thank them, and Jeff had thanked them too. They'd be back in three weeks from Europe, and as they drove away, Jimmy pulled Sam onto the dance floor to dance with him, Scott disappeared to his room with Nancy, and Simon pulled his wife tightly into his arms and kissed her.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

DANIELLE STEEL has been hailed as one of the world's most popular authors, with over 440 million copies of her novels sold. Her many international bestsellers include Irresistible Forces, Granny Dan, Bittersweet, Mirror Image, The Klone and I, The Long Road Home, The Ghost, Special Delivery, The Ranch, Silent Honor, Journey, The House on Hope Street, and other highly acclaimed novels. She is also the author of His Bright Light, the story of her son Nick Traina's life and death.

A Dell BookPublished byDell Publishinga division of Random House, Inc.1540 BroadwayNew York, New York 10036

This novel is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents eitherare the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Anyresemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

For information address: Delacorte Press, New York, New York.

Copyright -¬ 2000 by Danielle Steel

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced ortransmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical,including photocopying, recording, or by any information storageand retrieval system, without the written permission of the Publisher,except where permitted by law. For information, address Dell Publishing,New York, New York.

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eISBN: 978-0-307-56699-7

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