The Will of the Gods

7 A task continues—and the white lend

My awakening with the new light seemed to indicate that I was to be allowed to continue with my tasks without further foolishness, therefore did I begin to do so. The nilno we had might be fed upon as we rode and so did I see it done despite the protests of the males. No time was there to work further at Chaldrin’s battle methods, yet the impatience which held me so strongly in some small way assuaged my regret over the loss. The impatience I now saw for what it was—an impatience to be done with the tasks of the gods—and no longer attempted to push it from me. It was necessary that I clearly recall what I was about, and this would be seen to through that impatience.

Again the fey was warm as we rode beneath the close green and brown of the forest, and therefore was it necessary to keep from over-tiring our mounts despite my impatience. I rode somewhat ahead of our set, keeping a calm eye upon where I rode, and after perhaps two hind of traveling Chaldrin brought his kan up beside mine. He rode in silence for a number of reckid, also considering the forests, and then were his eyes of a sudden upon me.

“I am able to think of no other manner in which to ask this, girl,” said he, his rumble filled with less than its usual calm. “We would all of us know what vengeance you mean to take, and also when.”

“The matter scarcely concerns you, brother,” I replied, keeping my eyes from him as I looked about. “I will require no sword other than my own when the proper time has come, therefore will you and the others be free to go about your own concerns. ”

“I and the others,” he echoed. “I and all the others, even Mehrayn?”

“As he is numbered among the others, aye, even Mehrayn,” said I, turning my frown upon Chaldrin to see the surprise in the dark of his eyes. “What ails you, male, that you come to me with such foolishness?”

“Foolishness?” he repeated, indignantly. “You speak of vengeance you mean to take after having been refused by Mehrayn, and we are not to believe you mean the Sword? How might we believe otherwise? And for what reason do you not hold him culpable? It was he who refused you, was it not?”

Only by the doings of another, I thought, looking upon the confused vexation of the male beside me. He attempted to take up his usual calm to soothe the roiling within him, yet the effort proved useless.

“The male is free, and was therefore within his rights to refuse me,” I informed Chaldrin, the calm that was usually his now mine instead. “As for what vengeance I mean to take, that is a matter I have no wish to discuss. I was told, was I not, that I had only to say I had no wish to discuss a thing, and I would not be pressed?”

“Yes, I spoke those words,” said he, “and yet—” His speech ended and his face worked in agitation. Annoyance touched him then, one mixed with deep frustration, and then his head nodded curtly. “Very well,” said he, giving ground with little grace. “As you have no wish to be questioned, I shall not press you. Do you also have no desire to be questioned upon the life sign which now hangs about your throat? I had thought its presence disturbed you?”

“I have come to feel otherwise,” I replied with a shrug, turning my face from him as my hand rose to touch the crystal hadat. “Also do I feel that the time has come to turn from all dallyings with males. My next task is not so far before me that I may continue to befog my mind with foolishness. Should I fail to survive, there are others who will fall with me.”

“You bar the door upon your side after another has foolishly closed it in your face,” said Chaldrin, his voice again calm, his hand suddenly and gently upon my shoulder. “Is this what you truly wish, wench? No avenue left open for apology and forgiveness, for realization of the truth and patience rewarded? All men are at one time or another foolish, yet Sigurr has blessed them by giving to wenches the capacity for great patience and deep understanding. Will you take a man’s blessing from him?”

“Free males, like free warriors, may do and say as they please, freely speaking to the gods of their intentions,” said I, feeling no distress at Chaldrin’s male foolishness. “Warriors have learned to accept the consequences of such doings, no matter how distasteful those consequences come to be. Males would be wise to learn to do as warriors.”

With a final glance at Chaldrin I kicked my mount into faster motion, ending the discussion and leaving the male to his agitation. Ever do males behave so, swearing to do a thing, learning to regret the vow, then seeking about to be freed of it by the efforts of another. As Mida so valued the possession of such males she was welcome to them; Jalav would seek out none of them, and would thereby come to her vengeance with unburdened soul.

A brief halt saw to our new battle practice and mid-fey meal, then did we continue on. Darkness found us already encamped, our practice done and our meal as well. Mehrayn continued to remain apart from those he rode with, yet had he sent Chaldrin with his cloth-covered lenga pelt, saying it had disturbed him that I had taken my rest the darkness previous upon bare ground. As I chose no other to sleep beside, the pelt was sent to assure my comfort through the darkness. Though Chaldrin seemed pleased with the attempted gift, I was not; no other than males require protection from Mida’s sweet ground, and Jalav was no male. I waved away the pelt with impatience and went to fetch the pipe I had begun, and worked upon it till I felt the need for sleep. Neither Mehrayn nor Chaldrin made comment upon my return of the pelt, yet did both appear filled with a great deal of annoyance.

Two further feyd fled past in travel, and with the arrival of the third darkness came the completion of the pipe I fashioned, the pipe which would allow me to return to the White Land. With roast lellin and fellin tubers filling me to satisfaction, I took both pipe and sack and sat myself beside Chaldrin, feeling the pleasure of anticipation.

“You must know what I do, so that none attempt improper interference,” said I to the male who frowned upon that which I held. “With the aid of the contents of this sack, my spirit shall journey to a far land, a land from which I have heretofore been barred, save for my initial journey there. I know not how long I shall journey, yet are you forbidden to attempt drawing me back against my will. There is much to be seen in the White Land, and I shall not return till I have looked my fill.”

Chaldrin, still frowning, parted his lips to speak, but another spoke before him.

“Surely, lady, you have been taught that so prolonged a stay is impossible,” said S’Heernoh, halting before me with some of what remained of the lellin in his hands. “One of skill may see much in the short time one is allotted upon the Snows, yet not so a novice. The time which seems like reckid there is hind here, and to spend hind there is to allow one’s untenanted flesh here to die from lack of attention. Best you remain no more than the allotted time and then return, for many here would mourn your loss. Those of us who walk the Snows dislike such restrictions, yet how may mortals disobey the will of the gods?”

His half-shadowed smile was cordial as he turned from me, to return to packing the lellin for the new fey’s journey. I stared silently for a long moment, just as Chaldrin did, both of us looking upon the male who prepared our provender without complaint. Little had I thought upon the male S’Heernoh save for the annoyance he had brought, yet was it now necessary that I consider him more closely. Speaking his name turned him to me and a gesture brought him to crouch where he had previously stood, his smile as cordial as it had been despite the questioning in it.

“So you are a Pathfinder,” said I to this male who regarded me with amused, dark eyes. “I wonder that you did not speak of this sooner.”

“To what purpose?” he asked, spreading his hands as his amusement turned wry. “My store of grains to bring the Clouds of Seeing was long since exhausted when we met, for I have been quite some time from my people. And among them I am called a Walker, one who prowls the Snows. This is what you term ‘Pathfinder,’ is it not? Are you a Pathfinder to your wenches as well as their war leader?”

“No,” I replied, unsure why I continued to mistrust the male. “My warriors have no Pathfinders among them, for I am the first to have visited the White Land. In what manner does one know when her allotted time upon the Snows has elapsed? Mida’s light does not appear in the skies there so that it may be tracked.”

“Indeed is there naught save the eternal gray and white,” said S’Heernoh, his gaze now growing thoughtful. “The awareness of the passage of time upon the Snows is an inner thing, taught a Walker by the Walkers who have been themselves taught in such a manner. Have none made the effort to train you to self-sufficiency?”

“I have met no others than males who are able to walk the White Land,” said I, seeing no more than true concern in the eyes of S’Heernoh. “Males have refused the White Land to Jalav, for males fear that she will conquer it sooner than they. Does the male S’Heernoh fear the same?”

He seemed startled, then amused. “You mistake the situation, wench,” said he, clasping his hands before his lean body. “All who walk the Snows, man and wench alike, are in their turn conquered by them, not the other way about. The Snows show the events which lay before us, the triumphs and defeats, the sadness and joys, which we will encounter, even unto our deaths. That which will be cannot be conquered.”

“Should I find victory awaiting me, I will not seek to conquer,” said I, growing even more eager to begin my search. “This and no more will Java give her word upon, for defeat is not acceptable. Will you teach me the manner of walking the White Land, or am I to seek the knowledge alone?”

“War leader, you have my utmost admiration,” said this S’Heernoh with much of a chuckle to indicate his increased amusement. “Were it possible to conquer the Snows, I have no doubt that the victory would be yours. I will be honored to share my modest knowledge with you as quickly as I have completed my tasks, which will take no longer than the time required to fill and light your pipe.”

The male then stood straight and returned to the fire, clearly moving with purpose. I lifted the sack and pipe, prepared to begin as soon as might be, feeling the eagerness put a small trembling in my hands, and Chaldrin stirred where he sat.

“You mean to go to a place of great danger with none save that weaponless man to stand beside you?” he asked, his voice showing his disturbance and also his scorn for the stranger S’Heernoh. “You have accepted my presence till now, wench; am I now to be left behind?”

“Should you find yourself able to accompany me, you may do so,” said I in return, sending him no more than a glance as I carefully filled my pipe within the sack. “Have you ever been in the midst of the Clouds of Seeing?”

“Aye, I have indeed,” said Chaldrin, and truly had his calm soured. “For me, as for all who are not Pathfinders, they are the Clouds of Blindness. I fail to see in what manner duty draws you in such an odd direction, girl. What will occur should you fail to return?”

“I will not fail to return,” I murmured, paying more mind to filling my pipe without loss of the coarse grains than to giving heed to male fretting. “Once before did I walk the Snows, and returned just as I departed. Chaldrin merely dislikes being unable to accompany me.”

“Indeed do I dislike the need to remain behind,” said he in a growl, his frown clear as I realized that I had no flame maker. It would be necessary to borrow from our cooking fire, I saw, yet before I might rise to my feet, S’Heernoh turned from the fire and began to approach me, a twig alight in his hand. Again Chaldrin growled, this time wordlessly, his eyes upon the male who approached.

“Should you return alone from your journey,” said he to S’Heernoh as I took the twig carefully handed me, “do not consider your life, at least, as having been preserved. Either both live or neither will continue, for this you have my word.”

“How might I have expected less?” asked S’Heernoh, seeming amused as he sat beside me, away from Chaldrin. “Have no fear that I will leave the war leader behind upon the Snows. Do we not both return, it will be neither.”

“Best you keep that firmly in mind,” returned Chaldrin, not to be soothed by mere words. I puffed upon the pipe, bringing the grains alight, allowing the small flame upon the twig to die, feeling the odd bite which touched my tongue. Twice did I draw upon the smoke before passing the pipe to S’Heernoh, and just then did Mehrayn appear to block the glow from the fire.

“What occurs here?” said he, looking narrow-eyed upon pipe and male, one of whom now took deep, pleasurable breaths of smoke from the other. “For what reason do you appear so disturbed, Chaldrin?”

“Our wench goes to walk the Snows with S’Heernoh,” said Chaldrin, the disapproval strong in his voice. “I have attempted to reason with her, yet to no avail.”

“Ever does a man find difficulty in reasoning with a wench, for there is no reason within one,” said Mehrayn, his growl much like Chaldrin’s. “As there is no conceivable need for her to risk the Snows, she will remain behind. Do you hear, wench? You are bound to obey me, and I forbid your walking of the Snows.”

Indeed was I able to hear the male, yet only at a seemingly great distance. His form was dark, as was Chaldrin’s and those of the others who now crowded about, all save S’Heernoh and myself. He and I seemed nigh to glowing with the Clouds of Seeing which filled and surrounded us, his movements as slow and deliberate as mine. Soft gray began to rise up higher all about us, gathering in S’Heernoh and myself, yet did I breathe in a final breath of smoke and smile.

“The male Mehrayn is free to do as he wills—as is the war leader Jalav,” said I, the words coming forth as soft and breathy as the growing gray. “Should Mehrayn dislike the doings of Jalav, he may speak his displeasure to the gods; they, perhaps, will find interest in such foolishness. Jalav does not.”

Words of greater anger came from Mehrayn, yet were they so far distant that naught intelligible was able to reach me. The strength had gone so swiftly from my body that I lay back in the grass as though mortally wounded, S’Heernoh beside me, we both unmoving in the growing gray. Deeper and deeper did the foggy mist take us, and then was I surrounded by white, once again upon my feet, yet bereft of all coverings and weapons. Naught was I able to see in the mist, yet was I in some manner aware of a presence close beside me. I looked all about, continuing to see naught, and then was my head filled with the strange, voiceless speech of the White Land.

“Let us move forward, war leader, to where your instruction may begin,” said S’Heernoh, for it was his voiceless voice which came to me. “Do you mean to seek out whatever you may, or have you specific events you wish to study?”

“I would see the battle with the strangers,” said I, mouthing no words, yet somehow replying to the query put to me. The effort was filled with greater discomfort than previous, and briefly did I wonder if my intent had reached my unseen companion.

“Then let us search among the paths,” came the reply, soothing my wondering and reawakening my eagerness. Alone in the white mist I paced slowly forward with the difficulty of motion I had experienced before, as though I moved through thick, clinging mud, seeking the end of the mist, and then, as before, abruptly stood upon a vast white plain with many tracks proceeding in many directions. Movement to my left brought me sight of S’Heernoh, who stood as bare as I.

“Where now we stand is near to the present, therefore are there fewer branchings,” came the voice of my companion, warmed by his gentle amusement. “Behind us is what has already been, therefore is there but a single path. The branchings ahead at times converge to meet at a single place as well, showing that some happenings are not to be avoided no matter the effort, yet is there choice in the greatest portion of that-which-will-come-to-be. Save for those few events which are set by doings of the past, the happenings of the feyd to come are determined by that which goes just before it.”

I turned slowly to look back at the mist from which I had come, and saw with great surprise that no mist hung behind me. Instead was there a vast, unending white plain, so wide and far that much did it seem to continue on forever, a single, much-twisting path which emerged from the end of forever and continued to the place where we stood, then ran beyond. Just behind, though the path was as dark and sure as that which preceded it, faint, slowly fading branchings might still be seen where they had grown from the path to end in abrupt termination.

“See there,” said S’Heernoh, clearly indicating one branching in a manner which left no doubt, despite the lack of gesture or near approach. “See you the traces remaining of what-might-have-been? So great was its possibility of attaining reality that it continues to cling to visibility even after its defeat and bypassing. It is gone now to that nether realm of shall-never-be, yet will it fade only slowly to complete extinction.”

“I am able to see no movement, also is the scene difficult to make out,” said I, forcing my step nearer to the indicated branching. No mark did my step leave to show my presence in that land, and that, like the silent speaking, was somehow unsurprising. “Somewhat am I drawn toward that unfulfilled doing, though I know not why.”

“The why of it is easily explained,” said S’Heernoh from his place to my left, his mind-voice containing a good deal less amusement. “The event is one you were deeply embroiled in, which may be seen by the figures frozen in the last of their movements. See you the hadat, clearly female, and the three male sednet shapes surrounding her? Had they not been halted, the three would have ended the hadat amid much pain, and clearly was such halting no more than the faintest of possibilities. It gives me great pleasure, in this instance, to see the faintest become the strongest.”

The grimness in his silent voice brought a great disturbance to me, for he spoke of the time of my recent capture by those who had been followers of the Oneness. How close I had been to an end I had not known, yet had another known and had taken steps to have it otherwise. Much did I wish to wrap my arms about myself as I stared down upon the frozen, fading figures, yet I did not; that which is past and done is gone, and that warrior who concerns herself with might-have-been is a fool. What-will-be is ever more to the point, for one who means to see her will done.

“There is little time left for us here,” said S’Heernoh from where he had not stirred, calling me back from a contemplation of the obvious. “Shall we search for that which you wish to see?”

“Indeed,” said I, slowly turning from the dead branching toward the male, again feeling eagerness flare within me. Even were I able to see no more than the forces which would be arrayed against me, victory would surely be mine. I raised my head to look beyond S’Heernoh—and frowned at the thick, impenetrable mist which rolled toward us from the direction of that which would be. The male, too, frowned, then uttered a silent exclamation of surprise.

“From whence comes that mist?” he asked, turning all about to seek out the edges of that which rolled toward us. “Were you able to see from when it arose?”

“I saw naught save its abrupt presence,” said I, taking a step toward that which rolled silently at us. “May we not make our way through it to see that which I must see?”

“It is—a barrier,” said S’Heernoh, backing a step from the approaching mist. “Should we attempt to enter it, it will immediately return us from whence we came. Such a barrier rises only rarely, and never have I seen one before, no more than heard of it from those who Walked before me. We are not to be allowed longer upon the Snows this fey.”

“And yet we may return?” I demanded, feeling eagerness turn to frustrated anger. “We may not remain longer this fey, and yet we may return?”

“So has it ever been,” said he, looking upon me with disturbance in the dark of his eyes. “You feel great disappointment, I know, yet will there be other times. I would now teach you to know when you must return, and the manner of returning itself. Step away from the mist with me, so that we shall not be ejected from here before the lesson might be taught. ”

With great reluctance I made myself follow the male who accompanied me, both of us avoiding the track of that-which-had-been. When S’Heernoh halted I did the same, and then did silent words reach me again.

“Feel within yourself for a sense of well-being or lack thereof,” said he, his eyes full upon me. “Do not anticipate which you will feel, merely allow the feeling to reach your awareness.”

The words made little sense, yet did I attempt to do as he had said. It came to me that there was naught of bodily feeling about me as I was, and then did I become aware of a sense of distress, faint at the time, yet growing stronger with the passing of each racing moment. A pressure of sorts did it seem, drawing me in a direction I could not envision. This I spoke of to the male, and he nodded with pleased satisfaction.

“Your deserted body sends you the feeling of distress,” said he, “telling you of it, need for your return. You must always be aware of the size of that distress; for it is that which will tell you when you must return. In order to do so, you have only to close your eyes and allow your spirit to be drawn back. You need not be aware of the direction in which you move. Merely close your eyes and allow yourself to be drawn back.”

Again I had no true understanding of that which he spoke, yet did I close my eyes and attempt again to learn. The pressure I had felt grew greater and greater, pulling and pushing and clinging and thrusting all at the same moment, ringing me more and more closely, pushing and pulling the breath from me—and then was I aware of the tickling of grass, and the firmness of Mida’s ground, and the lingering scent of roast lellin, and the cooling of a small breeze in the sultry heat of darkness. My limbs and body were held in a familiar lethargy, yet was I able to force my lids open to the sight of many shadows hovering close.

“Thanks be to Sigurr!” came the voice of Mehrayn, strain underlying its usual strength. “She has returned at last and lives again!”

“And now does S’Heernoh return,” said Chaldrin as hands lifted me from the grass to lean upon a hard, broad body. “Clearly did he recall my words and allow the wench to return first.”

“I—had no need—of your words,” said S’Heernoh with some difficulty, his strength undoubtedly returning as slowly as mine. “I would not—have returned—without one who—could not return—alone. She—is now able—to return alone.”

“Then you have taught her the skill she requires to find safety in great danger,” said Chaldrin, the growl gone. “For that you have my thanks, man, and my respect as well. Should you ever require a thing done, you have only to speak of it.”

“And I,” said Mehrayn, he who now held me to him with such strength. “Again are my thanks yours, S’Heernoh, and more than my thanks. My debt to you is very great, and happily shall I some fey pay it.”

“There is no need to speak of repayment,” said S’Heernoh, now sitting upon the grass with the aid of Dotil and Wedin, right hand rubbing left shoulder. “I have come to feel a great deal of fondness and respect for the war leader, and would have done as I did in any event. Should you wish to consider repayment, be assured that it is already mine from the sight of you beside her once again. A man should not keep himself from the woman who is his life.”

“Indeed is this woman my life,” said Mehrayn, his arms again tightening about me. “Though rational thought is impossible when I am beside her, life itself is impossible when I am not. I have returned to the place I belong, and shall not leave it again. Do you hear my words, wench?”

The smell of him came to me clearly there in the dark of the forests, and the warmth and strength of his body and arms as well. I stirred somewhat against the manner in which I was held, and when the movement caused those arms to release me, I sat straight in the grass—and alone.

“Indeed do I hear the words of the male Mehrayn,” said I, pleased that the presence of my life sign allowed me to feel naught save a faint annoyance. “Again he seeks the notice of a war leader of Midanna, yet does that war leader now have matters of true import to concern her. Go seek another to serve, male, for this Midanna wishes naught of you.”

“You are justified in feeling anger toward me,” said Mehrayn with much of a sigh, his face wincing yet from the coldness of my words. “I would not deny you justified anger, yet would I have you recall that I acted from a wish to keep pain from touching you. Am I to be condemned, then, for feeling too great a love for she who is my chosen?”

Steadily did his light eyes look upon me, a reflection of our fire shining brightly therein, and clearly did the male mean to bind me with his words. Had my life sign not been upon me it might perhaps have been so, yet my life sign was indeed upon me. For a brief moment I returned his gaze as steadily as it was given, and then did I rise to my feet.

“The male Mehrayn is free to do as he wishes,” said I, looking down upon the surprise which took him. “Jalav, too, is free, and in no manner does she wish the service of a male who is filled so full of the foolishness which touches all males. Do not come again to me, male, save that you come with weapon in hand. This one is chosen to no other than the gods.”

I turned to walk from him then, needing the movement to take the last of the stiffness from me, yet he rose quickly to his feet and halted me with a hand upon my shoulder.

“That you refuse to hear me is not unexpected,” said he, no more than steadiness to be heard in his tone. “You seem to forget, however, that the service of their chosen was given me by the gods. Come with me to my fur, wench, and I will warm all anger and thoughts of hurt from you.

“The male Mehrayn may seek service from those who granted it!” I snarled, turning and knocking his hand from my shoulder with a movement taught me by Chaldrin. “Should you wish to see the blood flow all about, male, approach me again with words such as those! And a war leader of Midanna will not take the possession of another till battle has been joined—and survived! We Midanna are not to be likened to males!”

“Battle?” He frowned, immediately distracted from the anger he showed at the manner in which I had freed myself. “What battle do you speak of, wench, and who is to be fought over? And what have I told you upon the matter of disobedience to the gods?”

“The battle I speak of concerns none save this Midanna,” said I, looking up at the male with little approval. “What male I keep to please me will be my decision entirely, else shall I have no need of the decision. I will not have any other seek to limit me, and this point will be decided by swords. You, however, need not be overly concerned with the outcome of the battle. Even should I win the right to put hand to you again, it is scarcely likely that I shall do so. Males find serious decision difficult, I know, yet even a child is able to know her own true will. As for disobedience to the gods, mortal males would do well to allow those above to voice their own insult—else might their anger fall instead upon he who presumes to speak for them.”

Naught save deep confusion and consternation was to be seen upon the face of the male, therefore did I turn from him again and this time walk where I willed. All about the camp did I go, loosening the cramp and ache from my body, seeing the manner in which warriors and males spoke agitatedly among themselves, Mehrayn more agitated then the rest, and yet also more silent. Although Wedin and S’Heernoh seemed prepared to come forth to speak with me, Chaldrin disallowed such a doing with a rumble they wisely chose not to ignore. My mind was much with that which I would learn from the White Land when I returned there, and I would not treat gently with any who interrupted those thoughts. Around and around the camp I went, deep in thought, and when the thoughts left me at last, I reclaimed my weapons, found a place about the fire, and slept.