This is who I am

Chapter Twenty-Three

The night was dark and cold as Sam strode past the few cars in the parking lot toward the Shadowlands. The black wrought-iron sconces on the stone mansion walls gave off an ominous, flickering light that matched his grim mood.

For the last few days, all he could think about was the hurt in Linda’s eyes. Dammit, he wanted her back, but how could he put her through this kind of crap again? Any reminders of Nancy—let alone visits—had an adverse effect on his mood, but he sure as hell hadn’t realized how that mood could affect others.

And every time he thought about trying to explain, his throat turned dry as Death Valley.

He couldn’t tell her. Wasn’t good for her. Best to leave things the way they were or he’d end up hurting her over and over.

Being in the Shadowlands wasn’t going to be easy. He scowled. Damn Z for calling at the last minute to tell Sam that he needed to supervise the trainees tonight.

They’d probably already be lining up.

Linda knelt in the cold entryway in the line of trainees. The subs knew why she was here, and she could feel their silent support.

Sally leaned her shoulder against Linda’s and whispered, “I changed my mind. This is totally not a good idea. What if the watcher guy figures out you’re trying to ID him?”

Wow, way to bring her worst fear right out into the open. “Guess I better not jump up and yell, ‘Here he is! It’s the bad guy.’”

Sally sputtered, then said, “We’ll all be here for you. But don’t you go anywhere isolated.”

In the clubroom? Fat chance. “You’re quite the mother hen, aren’t you?”

“Jessica’s not here, so I figure it’s my job.”

I always thought that was my job. It was nice to be worried about. “Thank you. So what happens now with the trainees?”

“Master Cullen inspects us and gives us our assignments. Half of us are barmaids, and the other half are free to play. Then we switch off.” She lowered her voice. “As long as you’re polite, Master Cullen isn’t too fussy. Not like some of the others who care about what we wear too.”

“What—”

Sam walked into the entry.

The air clogged in Linda’s throat. She hadn’t seen him since he’d handed Dwayne over to the police. Since he’d said she’d be better off without him.

I want him to be here. Remember? But her resolve drained away, right into the wood floor. Not wanting him to see her nervousness, she dropped her gaze, but the glimpse of him was burned into her brain.

He always looked bigger in his Shadowlands gear. Rather than a vest, he wore a black suede shirt with the sleeves rolled up, showing his darkly tanned, powerful arms. His black leather pants fit like skin over his muscular thighs.

His boots stopped in front of the line. “I’m the trainer tonight,” he said. His sandpapery voice sent a zing of need down her spine. Darn the man.

“As soon as I—goddammit.”

One quick glance told her exactly whose presence had drawn that growl out of him. Apparently Master Z hadn’t mentioned that she’d joined the trainees.

That darn owner. He could have warned her that Sam would be supervising tonight. Anxiety made quivers in her chest as she stared at the floor. He’d be her trainer. She gripped her thighs to hide the trembling of her fingers.

After an interminable time, he walked around the trainees. He stopped in front of one. “Dara, did Ben approve your boots?”

Linda looked up through her eyelashes. She knew the big security guard decided if a submissive’s footwear was seductive enough. Otherwise the sub had to go barefoot.

“No.” Dara’s voice was resentful. Understandable, since her red and black boots were perfect for her Goth outfit of a shredded red T-shirt, a tiny red vinyl skirt, a studded black belt, black jewelry, and thick black eyeliner. “I just… I need the boots for this look.”

Linda glanced at Ben. The guard’s battered face held only worry.

“Is that your choice to make, girl?” Sam didn’t look angry, just stern. Why did that expression always make her limbs go weak?

Tough Dara actually bowed her head. “No, Sir.” When the trainee had been dressing, Linda had seen she was a female whose happiness depended on wearing the perfect outfit with the right accessories. Was Sam going to ruin her night?

Sam studied her for a minute. “After you apologize to Ben, you have a choice. Take the boots off or take ten from his belt and wear the boots.”

Linda looked down, trying not to grin. For one of the others trainees, Sam’s offer might have been a make-or-break deal. But Dara liked a fair amount of pain.

“The belt, please, Sir.”

Sam nodded toward Ben. Dara scrambled to the guard and knelt. Poor Ben. He looked torn between laughter and embarrassment. The guy was good to everyone, especially the submissives, but he wasn’t into kink at all.

“I’m sorry, Ben,” Dara said with obvious remorse.

“It’s all right, Dara.” He glanced at Sam. “An apology’s good enough for me.”

Dara started to rise.

“Not good enough for me,” Sam growled. “Stay there, girl, pull up your skirt, and present your ass. Ben, give me your belt.”

Both of them looked shocked. Then Ben yanked his belt from his jeans, handed it to Sam, and pushed his chair away. Dara assumed the position.

A couple of Doms stopped at the desk, waiting for Ben to check them off the attendance list…and to enjoy the show.

Without speaking, Sam doubled over the belt and struck. No wrist action, just a flat slap of the leather against Dara’s bottom without any warm-up.

Dara flinched, and her hands clenched as Sam continued. Slap, slap, slap. Linda counted silently. At nine, Dara squeaked. At an even ten, Sam straightened. “Up.”

Dara knelt up, tears in her eyes.

“Do you like getting punished in the entry?” Sam asked.

Dara shook her head.

“You figure Ben enjoyed watching you being hurt?”

Linda’s jaw dropped. Everyone’s attention turned to the guard.

Ben’s face was pale, his jaw tight.

Dara looked horrified. “I’m sorry, Ben.” Her voice shook.

Before Ben could speak, Sam said, “You’re serving drinks first shift, Dara, in the dungeon. You got off easy, girl, because the boots are cute.” His lips quirked before he gave her a flat stare. “Don’t push your luck a second time.” He jerked his chin in the direction of the door, and she fled.

Taking a baby wipe from the basket on Ben’s desk, Sam cleaned off the man’s belt and handed it back. He gave the younger man the same harsh stare. “The trainees are here to hook up with a Dom, Ben. You do them no favors if you let them get away with crap.”

Ben nodded.

Linda realized her hands were wrapped around her waist. The way Sam had punished Dara was frightening; nonetheless…I want that. Wanted it and didn’t. Her stomach felt fluttery, her chest tight. The punishment had been too similar to that of the slavers yet…different. Sam had given Dara a choice, taking into account not only what she owed to Ben, but also her need to wear her cute boots.

His dry sense of humor popped up at the oddest times.

Sam checked over the others, assigned them, and dismissed them, until only Linda was left. Lovely.

He motioned with his fingers for her to stand. She rose, keeping her gaze on the floor.

When he lifted her chin, his calloused hand was warm and familiar, as if the feel of him was lodged in her soul. “I don’t want you to do this, Linda.”

She saw the crease between his brows, the tenseness in his face. Oh, he cared, the stubborn, closed-off cretin. “Nobody tells me what I can do. Not now.”

After studying her for a long moment, he repeated, “Not now?”

He really didn’t understand. “When I was younger, if I’d known about any of this, I might have wanted a full-time D/s relationship—maybe—but that changed when I was kidnapped.” His hand smelled of soap with the faintest trace of horses. She wanted to kiss his palm. She forced herself to stand still.

His face had grown cold and remote, the moment of concern gone as if it had never happened, and the loss hurt her.

Her words spilled out. “You look at me now like they did—like I’m not human. God, they probably showed more feeling to their dogs.”

Sam stiffened as if she’d struck him. His hand dropped.

Oh, she hadn’t meant to say that. To attack him. “I’m sorry. That’s how I feel, but that wasn’t what I meant to say.”

“Try again, then,” he said evenly.

She swallowed and chose her words carefully. “You and I talked about this before. It’s about taking orders. The slavers dictated everything—shower, grooming, food, even bathroom times. Knowing we were…programmed…to obey scares me.” She pulled in a breath and met his gaze. “I like being submissive. But I need to choose when I hand over control. And the rest of the time, I have to own myself. Make my own choices. Especially decisions on what risks I’ll take. I’m not merchandise.”

Of course he’d have a problem with seeing her in danger. Had she ever met anyone more protective? His face wasn’t expressionless now; she could actually see his need to keep her safe warring with his desire to give her what she required for herself.

Finally he stepped back. “First shift, you barmaid in the main room. We’ll discuss the second shift when the time comes.”

Her eyes closed briefly in relief, even as her fingers chilled and fear started to rise. “Thank you, Sam.”

His chin lifted toward the door, silently telling her to go.

She headed for the door, forcing her feet forward rather than running back to him, throwing herself into his arms, and begging him to keep her safe.

She didn’t look back. No, not at all. Because if he saw how terrified she was, he’d never let her through the door.

“You look at me now like they did…showed more feeling to their dogs.” Sam walked through the Shadowlands as Linda’s words swirled through his memory. Painfully.

The club was coming to life. Cullen and Andrea were setting up the bar. At the sound system, Z was choosing the music for the evening.

Sam shook his head. It was a crying shame Z would play country-western music only on the rare western-theme nights.

Sam stepped up to the bar. “Got a water back there?”

Andrea’s whiskey-colored hair blanketed her shoulders as she brought him a bottle. She set it on the bar top. “You don’t look so great. Are you feeling all right?”

Cullen’s sub was almost as observant as her Dom. “Long week. And Z saddled me with the trainees again, damn him.”

Andrea grinned and looked past Sam. “Hear that, Master Z?”

“Oddly enough, the trainees say they enjoy having you as a trainer.” Z moved from behind Sam to take a seat on a bar stool. He gave Sam a long look. “Andrea is right. You don’t look up to par.”

Andrea turned at a call from Cullen and moved away.

“I fear I didn’t get a chance to warn you,” Z said. “I added another trainee to see how she’ll work out.”

Sam gave him a sour look. “I noticed. How’d that happen?”

“Perhaps submissives shouldn’t be allowed to fraternize.”

Sam snorted. “Good luck. What’s that got to do with Linda?”

“They discussed the spotter.”

Sam’s hand tightened on the bottle of water until the plastic crackled. “Jessica talked to them?”

“No. Linda did. Then Sally suggested a trainee position so Linda could meet all the members without being obvious.”

“That’s hogwash.”

“My first reaction. She’s been through too much already.” Z leaned one elbow on the bar, turning toward Sam. “Buchanan and Kouros found it an excellent idea. And she agreed.”

“Why is she so determined?” Sam remembered her panic during the scene last week. She’d scared the crap out of him.

“Mixture of reasons.” Z rubbed his temple as if his head hurt. “A bit of healthy payback motivation. I enjoyed that. Wanting to fight past her fears.” He sighed. “Mostly to protect the others.”

“That damned maternal instinct,” Sam muttered.

“Indeed.” Z stared across the bar at nothing. “Kim once mentioned how important Linda was to her and the other slaves. Apparently she mothered them all.”

Dammit.

“What happened between you two?” Z asked.

Sam gave him a cold look.

“Normally, your relationship wouldn’t be my business, no. But she’s now a trainee.”

And the Shadowlands owner stood as Master to the trainees. Sam drank some water, his throat desert dry. “She wanted more than I can give.” Wanted him to love her. Worse, to be able to say it.

“Yes? You have money enough to support a woman. You’re obviously adequate with both sex and scenes—submissives beg for your attention. You’re smart, careful, controlled.” Z tapped his fingers on the bar. “What aren’t you giving her?”

Sam stared at him.

Z’s lips twitched. “That says it all. You’re not talking to her?”

Goddamned psychologist. Sam thumped the bottle of water onto the bar top. “That’s not who I am, dammit.”

Z studied him as if he were a submissive. “You never told your mother that you loved her?”

“Of course I did.” Every bedtime. When leaving the house. Whenever she’d said it to him, and she had often. The words had come easily enough. “Love you, Mom.”

“When you were young, did you tell your girlfriend your concerns about school? Making ends meet?” Z waited for an answer.

Sam frowned, trying to remember. In the military. Complaining about a hard-ass lieutenant—one who reminded him of his stepfather. As a civilian, attending college at night. Telling…Tammy—that was her name—about how he worried over his grades. “Guess I did.”

“How about your daughter? Do you discuss your worries about the farm? Or tell her what she means to you?”

Sam opened his mouth. Closed it. How long had it been since he’d said anything like that to her?

Z straightened. “At one time, you were that kind of a person. Now you’re not. To me, that says you changed because of some experience.”

Sam frowned, knowledge getting a good clamp on his guts. He’d experienced Nancy.

“Think about it. Figure out if you want that experience to determine the rest of your life.” Z took a few steps away before glancing back with a slight smile. “Be nice to the trainees, please. There’s a new one tonight, and she’s nervous.”

Goddammit.

After stewing at the bar for far too long, Sam headed through the room to check on his trainees. He stopped near the back to watch old Gerald strapping his wife to a whipping post. At least seventy, Martha was what Sam would consider a lightweight masochist. But pain fulfilled something in her, both in her submission to Gerald and erotically.

Once Martha was restrained, Gerald swatted her ass with a narrow paddle, watching her as if she were a Playboy bunny. After a few blows, he leaned down and tucked a stray lock of gray hair behind her ear. He was speaking softly.

But Sam could hear him.

“I love you, Martha mine. Love seeing you wiggle. Love seeing you pant. Love you, period.”

The look in her eyes was…indescribable.

Sam walked away. That’s what Linda wanted. That baring of the soul. Emotions. Z hit the nail right on the head. Damn Nancy for messing with his mind. Damn himself for letting her and retreating so far he couldn’t give Linda what she needed. So far that she compared him to a slaver.

Near the end of the room, Sam saw a Dom considering some of the paddles hanging on the wall. Z didn’t bother with artwork—not when he had toys to display. Maybe Sam should decorate his walls that way too. He frowned, remembering the painting that used to hang over the mantel—one of the farmhouse when it was first built.

Nancy had destroyed it in a tantrum. With the talent of a manipulator, she’d destroyed anything they loved. Sometimes just objects, other times nonphysical prizes—memories and emotions. Whatever she discovered about a person, she later used as a weapon. He’d learned to keep everything to himself.

Sam’s throat tightened. How had that affected his little girl? After a minute, he realized Nicole had bottled up her emotions, but just with her mother. She still talked with others, laughed, showed how she felt. Nicole pushed away only Nancy.

Sam had locked all the doors with himself inside. Nicole was stronger than he was.

“Sam?” A light touch on his arm. “I mean, Master Sam?”

He straightened and looked down. Linda.

“Are you all right?” Concern filled her gentle eyes. For him. He’d been rude to her, had pulled away, and she still worried about him. The woman hadn’t a clue how special she was. Or what she meant to him. His fault.

“Linda—”

“I don’t know what you’re thinking about, but stop.” Her expression showed only sweetness as she put her arms around him. “I love you, Sam. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same, but honey, I do love you.”

Warmth spread through him, dissolving the ice that had started to grow. He put his arms around her and pulled her closer. She didn’t know what she was offering. She shouldn’t love a person so messed up.

“Figure out if you want that experience to determine the rest of your life.” Did he let Nancy win, or did he fight? He swallowed. “I told you that my ex-wife is a drug addict. She always needed drugs, and she’d use anything I told her as ammunition to get what she wanted. I stopped sharing.”

Linda didn’t look up, just tightened her grip.

His mouth flattened. “Nancy came to the farm last Sunday. That’s why—” Hell, how did people do this? He couldn’t. He pulled her closer, not wanting to let her go. But he must. “I’m sorry. I’m not good for you, girl.” He gently set her from him and walked—fled—toward the dungeon.

LINDA SAGGED AGAINST the back of a couch, staring after Sam. She’d said she loved him—and he’d hugged her as if it meant something to him. And he’d apologized and shared. His ex sounded purely horrible.

He’d held her before pushing her away. Her lips curved. He’d said one thing—his hug had said another.

“Whoa, what was all that about?” Sally slipped an arm around her and leaned her hip on the couch. “He sure didn’t look happy with you.”

Linda shook her head. “He told me something about his ex. She sounds like a real bitch.”

“Seriously? He never talks about his wife. Or much of anything else, come to think of it.”

But he’d opened up for her, cracked his wall of silence. I love you, Sam, and I see you’re trying. Don’t give up—we can do this. “He’s definitely confusing me.” She huffed a sigh. “But I can’t think about it now. Time to get to work.” She had a slaver to find.

“I’m on the other side of the room,” Sally said, “but I’ll try to keep an eye on you.”

Linda gave her a squeeze. “Thanks.” And Sam would watch over her. She never doubted that for a second.

See who was now a trainee. The spotter pretended to watch a girl-on-girl scene as he studied the redheaded ex-slave. Quite interesting that she’d become one of Z’s trainees. He could see her getting involved with a Dom—after all, the Association “harvested” women in the lifestyle. But the trainee duties seemed rather beneath her.

He wasn’t complaining though. Now he’d have a chance to enjoy her. A pale- redhead whose skin would mark up beautifully. He liked seeing the results of his efforts.

He also preferred the older women, who were less brittle than the young ones, more adaptable, with a stronger core.

And he loved breaking masochists. If they were terrified enough or the pain was the type they hated, he could keep them out of subspace. Hurt them in ways that made them scream.

He was uncomfortably hard as the redhead walked past the bar. Unfortunately, since she was a new trainee, he’d get no chance at her tonight. But eventually? Most definitely.

Maybe he could talk her into meeting him somewhere. He needed some relief. His kills had been discovered, and the reporters were having a field day announcing a serial killer who chopped off his victim’s hair. And that the women were all prostitutes. Last night in the red-light district, he’d spotted four plainclothes officers. Even worse, the whores weren’t getting into cars.

As he watched her talk with people, he frowned. Her demeanor seemed…off. After greeting a Dom, she’d tilt her head as if listening intently and the man would get a careful study. Her attitude wasn’t that of a submissive looking for a master.

Uneasiness made him stiffen as she walked past. Her gaze flickered over him. When her body language didn’t change, he relaxed. She didn’t recognize him.

She would though.

He’d enjoy reminding her of where they’d “met.” Right before he started on her with his knife.