Torn

Chapter 26

Everybody’s Changing

Since Grace died, I just can’t shake the feeling of being a little lost. She taught me so much—she was always there for me. I loved her so deeply. Tears threaten to spill again, and I start to worry that I might not be able to keep it together. River’s lying beside me in bed, rubbing circles along my back and asking me what he can do for me. I know he’s unsure of what to do or say and so am I.

All I want is not to have to think about her being gone so I close my eyes and drift off again. When I wake up, I’m alone. It’s dark and I take a moment to compose myself before making my way into the bathroom. But once the coolness of the tiled floor hits my feet, I want it to numb me all over. To take away the grief and help me get through the next few days. And most of all, I want it to help me say goodbye to Grace.

Dropping down onto the floor, I bow my head in my hands and let the tears fall yet again. Sitting there, I have to wonder how many tears a person can shed for loved ones lost before they’re all dried up. Suddenly, the bright lights blind me and I squint at him standing near the door.

“Dahlia, are you okay?”

I nod.

“What are you doing?”

He looks terrified. His hands reach under my arms, lifting me up. I can tell he’s worried I’m sinking fast and won’t be able to pull myself up. But as I stare into his eyes, I know I will be okay. I have to be. For him.

On his lap now, I push the hair from his eyes. “Hey, I’m okay.”

He strokes my check. “You sure?”

I nod and stand up. Reaching for his hand, I lead him back into the bedroom. “Can I show you something?” I ask as I open the curtains and see it’s a beautiful sunny day. It finally stopped raining.

He sits in the chair and just looks at me as if uncertain of how to answer. It’s a look that makes me smile. “It has nothing to do with sex, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Almost horrified, he tells me, “No, that’s not what I’m thinking at all.”

“I know, I’m just kidding, silly.” I want to reassure him and let him know that even though I’m sad, I will be okay.

My mother’s hope chest is old, and the creamy-white paint is almost completely peeled off. Bending down to reach it, I open the lid and realize I haven’t looked in here in a long time, not since the break-in when I had to put everything back in it that wasn’t destroyed.

I smile when I see my dolls, yearbooks, diplomas, and various mementos. As I’m digging through the contents, I feel his arms wrap around my waist and he hugs me tightly. I clutch his arms and squeeze him back for a few seconds before moving to sift through the items for what I want to show him.

When I find it, I have to hold it close to my heart first. Then I turn to hand it to him. Smiling, I point to the small, blond-haired girl in the photo, surrounded by seven adults. “For my tenth birthday, when my parents asked what I wanted, it was an easy choice—I wanted to meet Elton John. My mom started to say no, but my Dad just beamed at me and told me of course he could arrange that. And he did.”

I look at River and he’s studying the picture as I move across it with my finger, “That’s Grammy, Auntie, Uncle Scott, Mom, Dad, Grace, and that is Sir Elton John himself. My dad even managed a private show before the concert where Elton John sang ‘Believe’ and then ‘Happy Birthday’ to me.”

River leans over and kisses my cheek. “Wow, what an awesome birthday present, especially for a ten-year-old.”

I grin because I remember that day so vividly.

He looks at me and in complete seriousness asks, “Why Elton John and not Hootie and the Blowfish or someone a ten-year-old might gush over?”

“Because of Grace. Elton John was her favorite. Every day after school I stayed with her until my parents came home. We would sing ‘Crocodile Rock’ and ‘Bennie and the Jets’ so many times, Serena threatened to throw the CD away and Ben would run and hide in his room. Neither of them liked Elton. But Grace and I loved him and she always said meeting him was one of the best days of her life.” I notice he didn’t even flinch this time at the sound of Ben’s name.

River takes the picture and walks it over to the dresser, standing it on display next to the one of my parents and me. “How about we leave it out so we can both enjoy that memory?”

I nod and as I start to close the chest, I notice the screwdriver that Ben had put in there so long ago and know what I have to do to stay close with Grace. But the doorbell breaks me out of my thoughts as I take the screwdriver and close the chest.

Before either of us moves to answer the door, Xander is yelling, “Loverboy, Muse, we’re coming in so you better be decent.”

I look over to River and I can see he’s somewhat unsure about this, but the light in his eyes tells me he’s happy. Just hearing Xander’s smart-ass voice like everything is okay between them warms my heart. I hold out my hand and he grabs it. Leading the way, I squeeze it tightly and he does the same. Odd that I’m the one reassuring him right now. It makes me feel a little more whole.

The front door is still open as we enter the foyer. Looking into the family room I can see that Xander is standing near Bell, who has a shopping bag in one hand and is pointing with the other. She’s giving orders to Garrett about where to set the tinfoil-covered pans of food, Nix is lugging in a cooler, and Xander is just standing there, his arms crossed, watching the scene unfold.

We stand in the foyer and River clears his throat. “Hey, what’s going on?”

Xander’s eyes shift to River. “Talk to your sister. She insisted we bring dinner over.”

River looks at him. “Thank you for that.”

He looks back. “No problem. Actually, we all wanted to be here for the both of you.”

My eyes move to Bell, who looks a little apprehensive as she shrugs her shoulders and I give her a warm smile, assuring her that our relationship is intact. Then I shift my gaze to Xander. “Thank you, Xander.”

“Anything for you, Muse,” he says.

River nods in appreciation to both his brother and sister. Everyone looks over at us and it’s quiet for a split second until Garrett says, “Why is everyone acting like someone just died?”

Bell gives him a swift kick and he turns pale and freezes. His eyes dart to mine, “Shit. Oh my God, Dahlia. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I was only trying to lighten the mood.”

Nix smacks Garrett across the back of his head and says, “Man, you always talk out of your ass. It’s a good thing no one ever listens.”

We all laugh to break the tension and the flurry of activity continues.

I rest my head on River’s shoulder as we watch them set up the meal they’ve brought over for us. He kisses my hair and then whispers to me, “Are you okay with this?”

I nod and let go of his hand, turning to cup his cheek. Motioning with my eyes to Xander, I quietly urge, “Go talk to him.”

With a determined nod, he gives me a swift kiss and heads toward the kitchen. I watch him walk with that same gait I’ve seen a thousand times. But it’s thrilling each time—how lucky am I to have a caring, compassionate, and loving man like him in my life?

He cautiously approaches Xander, who pats him on the shoulder then motions him outside to the deck. Xander looks back before exiting the sliding glass door to give me a nod and a quick smile.

“Hey Dahlia, you doing okay?” Nix asks and I have to blink because I never saw him approach me. I have to swallow repeatedly to hold back the tears. I wasn’t expecting condolences from any of these guys. As I try to find the words to answer, Garrett is at my side, giving me a one-armed hug. “I’m sorry for your loss, Dahlia.”

I take a deep breath and return his hug. “Thank you,” I manage and step back before turning to Nix and answering his question. “I’m doing better than I expected.”

It’s true. I am. I’m actually interacting with people, rather than withdrawing into my own world like I have so many times before—a world where I can’t focus on what people are saying to me, where my responses are nothing but mindless nods, and my hugs are nothing but stiff embraces. I’m stronger than that now.

“Hey, you guys are suffocating her. Move away and let her breathe,” Bell says.

She takes my hand, pulling me to the sofa. Once we sit she looks anywhere but at me. I want to be the first to say something, to reassure her that I’m not upset at her in the least bit, but she beats me to it.

“I’m so sorry all this has happened. I don’t even know what to say. Do you think of me differently?” she asks, hesitating as she tucks her foot under her leg.

Taking her hand, I cover it with mine. “Bell, look at me.” Her sad green eyes dart to mine and I say, “Of course not. I don’t blame you for anything that happened. I don’t. So please don’t think that. I know the situation is awkward, but let’s not let it change things between us. Okay?”

Nodding, she bites her lip. “You know I never knew he was the same person.”

“Let’s just not discuss him. Please?”

“I’m sorry, Dahlia,” she says. Then, just like her brother, she has the uncanny ability to change topics seamlessly. “How are you doing?”

“Much better than I ever thought I would. How about we see what’s in all those trays in the kitchen? I’m hungry.”

She smiles at me and pulls me in for a big hug. “I love you, Dahlia.”

“I love you, too, Bell.”

We head toward the kitchen and I look outside. Nix and Garrett have joined River and Xander and they’re all sitting around the table, talking calmly. I hope they can come to terms with River’s decision because they’re so important to him. It wasn’t easy for him to quit but I’ve come to believe it was the right thing for him to do. He loves to sing and play guitar, but he never wanted to be famous; he couldn’t live his father’s dream. He loves music but it needs to be on his own terms.

I’m staring out the window, watching as he runs his hands through his hair, when I blurt out, “Do you think everything happens for a reason?”

Bell grabs a stack of plates and sets them on the counter. “Yeah, I hope so. I’d like to think it does, anyway.”

Shoving the pans in the oven, I close the door and turn it on. My next words catch in my throat but I push them out. “What made you decide to give up the baby?”

She stares at me for a long moment before she answers. “After everything that happened, I just knew the baby would be better off with two parents who loved it.”

There’s another stretch of silence, but I think it’s understood that we both accept the strange situation. We will be okay. Neither one of us will let anything harm our friendship. Opening the refrigerator, I grab two bottles of water and hand her one.

Bell laughs and takes a sip. “And come on, Dahlia, let’s be real. Could you see me with a five-year– old right now?”

“I think you’d be surprised at what you could do.”

Snorting, she says, “What? Isn’t it normal that a twenty-five-year-old lives with her mom?”

“Bell, you can change that anytime you want. You’re doing great—you’re managing to juggle two jobs and, from what I hear, doing fantastic in both of them.”

“Actually, I am moving. Xander found me an apartment in West Hollywood after I told him how much I really love my job with Tate. Xander is replacing me as soon as possible so I can start working full-time there.”

“That’s great, Bell. See, you can do whatever you want!”

The front door opens, and, in a whirlwind, Aerie rushes to the kitchen. She throws her purse on the counter and hurries over to me. We hug each other for a long time. “Dahlia, I am so sorry,” she says.

When we break apart I look into her saddened eyes as she looks at me with affection and I manage to say, “I’ve missed you so much,” before breaking down completely.

Bell leaves us alone and joins everyone else on the back deck. I have so much to tell Aerie but now doesn’t feel like the right time. She puts her arm around my shoulder and leads me through the front door where we sit on the steps and talk about Grace.

About fifteen minutes later, the door opens and Bell stands there with the portable phone in her hand. “Dahlia, it’s Serena, she says she really needs to talk to you.” Handing it to me she whispers, “I’m going to go get dinner ready.”

I nod and give her a warm smile.

A million horrible thoughts about Trent drift through my mind as I put the phone to my ear and cautiously say, “Hello.”

“Dahlia, please come over. I need your help. I just can’t do it.”

“It’s okay, Serena, calm down. What can’t you do?”

“Pick out her clothes,” she cries into the phone.

“Her clothes?” I swallow.

“I have to bring them to the funeral home by six. Could you come over and help me pick something out?”

Sadly, I know exactly what she’s talking about. “Let me just change and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

My stomach knotting, I look at Aerie. “I have to go, Serena needs help with some of the arrangements.”

Before I even get to the door, River opens it. His arms circle me and hold me tight. He kisses my head and whispers, “What’s going on?”

I am not sure how he’s going to take this, but at the same time I have to go and he can’t come with me. Even before I can tell him anything Aerie says, “I’ll drive you to Grace’s.”

I nod okay.

River and Aerie say hello to each other and she steps inside.

“Do you want me to take you?” River asks me reaching his hands to cradle my face.

My determination falters as I contemplate letting him drive me. But I know I can’t because if Ben is there they’ll just go at it again. And I can’t do that to Serena. “I think I should go alone. Please understand.”

His body stiffens, but relaxes when I lean into his touch and slide my mouth to kiss his hand. He then presses his forehead against mine, silently acknowledging his acceptance.

As we enter the house the rest of the guys are just walking inside. Bell is in the kitchen taking the trays out of the oven and Nix and Garrett start shoving each other to get the first plate. Xander is helping to set the rest of the food out as Aerie instructs him how to do it. He snaps at her and she doesn’t hesitate to give it right back to him. Everything looks back to normal.

I grab River’s hand. “Come with me. I’m going to change my clothes before I go.” Then pulling him down the hall with me I ask, “Will you be okay here?”

A small chuckle escapes him, “Yeah, I’ll be fine, Dahlia. I’m a big boy.”

He flops himself on the bed, kicks his feet up, and leans back against the headboard.

“That’s not what I mean. How did your conversation with Xander go?”

He smiles and pulls me onto the bed with him. “It went much better than the last time. We didn’t yell or argue. It started out rough but Xander surprised me. It was like it somehow clicked, like he finally understood that life wasn’t for me.”

Staring into his tranquil green eyes, I’m relieved that he and his brother are talking again. “What about the other guys?”

His smile grows even wider. “We talked and they aren’t happy that I won’t be with them, but they’ve accepted my decision. They told me our friendship is more important than anything else.”

I close my eyes in gratitude for a second, so happy his brother finally understood and he had his friends back.

“Ellie agreed to Jack’s suggestion for a potential new lead singer. They’re going to meet tomorrow.”

I sit up and glare at him. Rolling my eyes I mutter, “Yeah, I bet she did.”

Reaching for my hands, he sits up, too, and pulls me onto his lap.

Cradling his face in my hands, I examine his expression before kissing him hard, making sure to suck on his bottom lip before stopping. Shrugging, I joke, “Sorry, I just needed to get her name off your lips.”

Shaking his head, he grabs my T-shirt and pulls me back to him. Our mouths meet with such intensity that I almost forget for a moment about everything that has happened. He pulls back and both of us are breathless. He takes my face between his palms, his eyes beaming with the same emotion I feel when I’m with him—pure happiness. And I know what we have will never be torn apart.

The light at the intersection turns green and cars drive past us as horns behind us relentlessly honk. Aerie sits in the driver’s seat, gripping the steering wheel in utter shock. “That f-ing son of a bitch.”

As she’s never one to really swear, I’m used to hearing her curse in abbreviations.

I wasn’t going to say anything to her, but one thing led to the next when I thanked her for driving me since my car was still in Santa Barbara.

“That f-ing son of a bitch. Wait until I see him,” she repeats as she swings the steering wheel to head down the street leading to Grace’s house. Silence fills the air and I can see the gears turning in her head.

“Aerie, not now, not today. Please,” I tell her as she parks the car.

Looking around, I don’t see Ben’s car anywhere. Serena must be alone and I know she needs me—only me. “Do you think I can call you when I’m ready to head back?”

She nods her head and draws me in for a hug. When she lets go she says, “Make sure you call me if you need anything at all.”

“You know it. And thanks again for the ride.” Then I’m opening the car door and walking slowly toward the house. “Serena, I’m here,” I call as I enter the family room. Sadness hits me as I look around the room that still feels like it’s filled with her presence. Climbing the stairs, I head to Grace’s room. I knock and slowly walk in. All of Grace’s clothes are thrown on the bed and Serena’s pulling shoes off the rack in the closet and tossing them to the ground. “Serena,” I call but she doesn’t answer. I reach her and pull her to me in a hug that I hope will offer some comfort. My heart aches for her as words pour out of my mouth. “Serena, look at me. I know how hard this is. But I’m here. Let me help you.”

She turns around and hugs me back while she cries and I am so thankful that I get to be the one to comfort her, to help her through this.

Together we sort through Grace’s dresses which are all spread out on the bed and when I see it, I know it’s the one—the navy sheath dress with a matching belt, the one that always made her eyes light up. Serena agrees and then frantically turns to what’s left of the rack filled with shoes. She finds a match immediately. Lifting up a pair of blue pumps she says, “I remember buying these with her at Avery’s. We were in LA for the day at a luncheon. She had worn some strappy sandals that were killing her feet, so after the event was over we decided to hit up Beverly Hills.” She smiles at the memory and then abruptly says, “We need some underwear.”

“Right,” I say, trying to keep up.

“And what earrings should she wear? Her gold or silver ones?”

I grab her arm. “Hey, Serena. Slow down, it’s okay. Let me get the jewelry.”

Inside her large wooden jewelry box I see my engagement ring from Ben. It’s still on the chain sitting in a velvet square all by itself. I pick it up for just a moment and as if it scorches me, I immediately put it back down.

“He told me, Dahlia, and I’m so sorry,” I hear Serena whisper as I pull a pair of small silver hoops from the jewelry box.

I take a deep breath but say nothing because neither she nor Ben really knows the whole truth. I turn to face her and hold my hand out with the pair of earrings in it. “Here, I think that should do it.”

“Will you come with me to the funeral home? Ben seems to be a no-show. He was supposed to be here by noon. I’ve called him and left messages, but he hasn’t returned any of my calls.”

I take another deep breath. “Of course, Serena.”

We head downstairs and as I open the door to leave, Caleb pulls in the driveway. Serena yells she’ll be out in a minute and I stand on the porch as Caleb rolls down his window. “Dahlia, is Ben here?”

I shake my head. “I haven’t seen him. Serena and I are just headed to the funeral home to drop some things off. Serena said Ben was supposed to be here but she hasn’t heard from him.”

He frowns. “Thanks.” Then he adds, “Dahlia, I am so sorry about everything. I never meant for any of this to impact you.”

“Caleb, it’s not your fault, really it isn’t.”

He sighs. “I’m leaving town for a new job. I called River and told him who his new security contact is earlier today.”

I nod. “Caleb, good luck.”

He nods back and closes his window as I head to Serena’s car. I call River from the car and ask him to come pick me up at the funeral home. It’s getting late and I don’t want Aerie to have to drive to LA and back tonight. I also call Aerie to let her know that I’m all set with a ride.

We drive to the funeral home in silence. Walking in, I immediately feel uneasy. I subconsciously hold my breath but the funeral home smell still hits me immediately.

Serena has the bag of Grace’s things in one hand and my hand in the other as we walk down the hall passing the viewing room first. The office is an open area at the end and an older man comes to meet us. He introduces himself and motions for us to sit at the table. Serena seems to have switched into business mode as she discusses the details with him.

I excuse myself to use the restroom but am somehow drawn into the showroom. Caskets of all colors and sizes are on display. I walk over to the white casket with a beautiful light-blue lining and I think that color would be perfect for Grace.

Running my fingers over the smooth satin, a familiar hand covers mine. “I’m really sorry, Dahl. I just want you to know that. Please forgive me. I need you.”

I look up. He’s unshaven, he’s wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday, and he looks like he hasn’t slept. Irritation flares through me as I step back and quietly say, “Please, Ben. Not now. This isn’t the time.”

As he steps forward a wave of women’s perfume permeates the air and fills my nose. “Dahl, I know it’s not. But I’m so alone.”

My voice falters as I try to keep my resolve. I can’t be the one for him to lean on. I just can’t. “Ben, I’m here to support you and Serena for Grace. But I can’t forgive you right now and I don’t know if I ever will.”

He drops his eyes and pulls something out of his pocket. It’s a small journal. His hand is shaking as he hands it to me. His voice is soft. “While I was away I kept this for you. It was how I communicated with you when I thought I’d never see you again.” I’m caught by surprise and he must sense it because he says, “Please take it. I want you to have it. Do whatever you want with it.” I take it from his hands because even after everything I can’t inflict any more pain on him.

But I refuse to give him a chance to say anything else, and turn around to leave. My heart skips a beat when I see River leaning against the doorway. His eyes are narrowed on Ben, but as they meet mine they immediately soften. Even here I can’t help but admire his appeal. His lean body clothed in a black T-shirt and jeans that hang low on his hips. That strong natural stance. He holds his hand out to me and without giving Ben a second glance he asks, “Ready to go, beautiful?”

Smiling at him, I take River’s hand and we go to find Serena before he leads us home.