Torn

Chapter 5

Torn

I’m tangled in River’s arms and legs as I wake up and try to slide out from under him. He instinctively reaches for me without waking, as he usually does regardless of which side I sleep on. I remain still until he settles back into sleep. One look at him and everything comes rushing back. What happened yesterday wasn’t a dream or a hallucination. Ben. He’s alive. He really was at Grace’s . . .

Yesterday I didn’t want to believe it. Today I know I have to. But what was he talking about?—he did what for me? With so many questions, I can’t even think straight. I really can’t even understand how any of this is possible.

It’s just after four in the morning as I quietly make my way to the bathroom, then out to the living room. I slip on the same clothes I wore yesterday, grab a sweater, turn off the alarm, and leave him a note.

River,

I’m sorry, but I have to talk to him. I need to understand how he’s here and what he was talking about. Don’t worry about me.

I love you. I love you more!

I leave the house feeling lost and unsure. But I know this is something I have to do. The drive to Laguna Beach is long and quiet. I have the radio turned on, and even though I’m not really listening to what’s playing, every song brings a memory. When I exit the freeway and pass through town, the traffic is almost nonexistent. I drive down the narrow streets lined with delivery trucks, boutiques, bars and restaurants, and my mind wanders to the life I had here.

This entire town is filled with memories of Ben. The beach where we spent endless summer days, the corner coffee shop where we would sit and read the paper together, and downtown where we hung out and people-watched. I have to open my window to catch my breath as the memories of my happy life before his death flood my mind. But when I pass the cemetery where I laid him to rest, those memories turn dark—the shooting, the funeral, the lowering of his casket, and how completely lost I felt. How alone I was.

Then I remember it wasn’t until the day I walked down that hallway in Vegas, looked through the glass wall of the meeting room, and saw River that the veil was lifted. It was River’s unwavering love that showed me how to live again. He made me whole and I can’t help but think about how much I love everything about him.

Images of Ben, images of River, memories of both men—it all fills my head. Ben’s back—what happens next? I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that my intense connection with River is undeniable. The love I have for him is like nothing I’ve ever felt before; but Ben was my first love and that kind of love never leaves you—does it?

All of these thoughts tumble through my mind and I suddenly feel sick. I have to pull over as my stomach clenches with apprehension. I park illegally, turn off the car, open the door, and hang my head between my knees. When the wave of nausea finally passes I look at my reflection in the rearview mirror. Oh God, what am I doing going to see him?

I grab my purse and fumble inside for my phone. I can’t do this. I need to call River. I want to go home. He needs to come get me. I don’t think I can drive. I shouldn’t have come. I dump my purse out on the passenger seat in search of my fucking phone, but it’s not there. Shit! River has it.

I sit back and take a few calming breaths. After finally pulling myself together, I decide it has to be now. There’s no sense in putting this off, and I know never isn’t an option. I’m almost there, so I might as well see this through. With wavering resolve, I start the ignition and head toward the beach to find out from Ben what happened.

I drive the rest of the way in silence, afraid to turn the radio on, for fear of hearing familiar songs that might awaken even more memories. As I turn into Grace’s driveway, I once again start doubting this course of action and wonder if I should be doing this now. I mean . . . what am I even looking for? But I know the answer to that—I need some answers. Answers to two questions—why did Ben leave; and what brought him back?

Putting the car in park, I lean my head back. I sit there for a moment staring at the house, trying to figure out what I’m going to say to him. From the outside, the house still looks like the same tranquil place it has always been, a home—Grace’s, Ben’s, mine. But I’m uncertain of what lies in wait on the inside—what if tranquility is not what I’m about to walk into? I draw deep steady breaths and turn off the engine, preparing myself to see him, all the while wondering if we would even still be together if he never “died.” I want to believe that in the end, River and I would still have found our way back to each other.

Glancing toward the moonlit path, there stands Ben on the old weathered planks staring at my car, at me. My breath catches at the sight of him. I stay where I am, frozen in place for the longest time. I didn’t expect to see him outside. He looks mostly the same: ruggedly handsome chiseled face, tall figure, khaki cargo shorts, messy blond hair peeking through the hood of his sweatshirt. He looks thinner than he was, not as tan as he used to be, but he’s still Ben, still all surfer. He’s not a figment of my imagination and, for a moment, time stops and I’m transported back to the days when he’d stand there like that waiting for me to follow. I can’t believe it’s really him . . . my friend, my rock, he’s not really dead. What I’m afraid of I’m not even sure. But the longer I sit here, the longer he stares and I finally open the door.

As I walk toward the bridge, my feelings are so undefined. I’m not sure how to handle this conversation. But my uncertainty quickly fades when the slightly cocky grin I know so well appears on his face, and the apprehension I felt earlier wells within me. I’m no longer questioning if I should be here because I know I should—I need to know what happened to him.

When I stop a safe distance from him our eyes meet and his grin immediately disappears. He pulls his hood off and lowers his head but never once takes his gaze off me. With his hands shoved in his pockets he leans back against the unstable railing looking almost stoic. I can’t stop staring at him. My heart beats faster with every passing second and I feel like I’m sinking in quicksand. I have the urge to run and escape whatever it is pulsing through my body but I don’t. I can’t. I’m glued to this spot held captive by his gaze.

Biting my lip, I stop and stand in front of him, motionless—we are former lovers turned strangers. Neither one of us speaks a word for the longest time. When an owl hoots in the distance, Ben lifts his head and a warm smile appears. “Dahl, Hoot is back. She must have known we’d need someone to break the silence.” Every time we used to hear an owl, he would tell me that its name was Hoot, as if there was only one.

“Can we talk?” he asks and the sound of his voice scares the living shit out of me. It’s the voice I missed for so long and up until nine months ago would have given anything to hear.

I nod my head. We do need to talk. That’s why I’m here. It’s just strange, odd, forced; I can’t even open my mouth to speak to him. It’s not like we haven’t seen each other in a long time and I’m just here to catch up. He was dead.

He, however, seems at ease, comfortable, and just like always he finds the right words for the situation. Standing, he straightens and motions with his shoulder to the beach. He heads toward the water and I can’t help but notice that he walks with the same stride he always has—slow and steady. I study him as I follow behind. The muscles in his shoulders are much less pronounced and the span of his back seems narrower. I’ve never seen him this lean. He must not have been anywhere where he could surf.

Keeping my distance, I don’t want to get too close . . . don’t want to touch him. This interlude is so strange because this is the one place we always held hands. Every time we walked over this bridge in the past our hands were connected, since we were five years old. But now, those fond memories are all blurred by the fog of utter confusion that his return to my life has brought. My stomach feels uneasy again as I continue down the path that I know can only lead to imbalance—an encounter that may just turn my world upside down.

The beach stretches for miles but he heads toward the water. When he stops near the shore, I can hear him sigh before he turns around to face me. As he twists his familiar features become clearly recognizable—the fine chiseled nose, square chin, and eyes that could talk to me without him ever speaking a word. As they do when I watch them dart to my wrist and narrow in on the Cartier bracelet he gave me the night he died.

“You’re still wearing it,” he observes.

I promptly cover it with my left hand, as if that could make it disappear. My action only makes his gaze intensify as he now stares directly at River’s ring—not his ring—on my finger. A sudden pang of guilt scorches me but he says nothing and neither do I.

The water slushes up over his flip-flops, but he doesn’t seem to notice. As the moonlight cascades down upon us, he takes a deep breath and rubs his bloodshot eyes. Scrubbing his hands in his face, he says, “I’m glad you came. I wasn’t sure if after yesterday I’d ever see your gorgeous face again and I’ve missed it so much for so long.”

He moves as if to cup my cheeks, but I step back. I put my hands out, signaling for him to keep his distance. I feel conflicted, torn, not sure what to say or what to do, but I don’t want him to touch me.

He instantly freezes. “You don’t have to be afraid. It will all make sense soon, please just hear me out.”

It’s the same voice I’ve always known. The same guy I had spoken to every day for almost twenty years, yet he sounds like a stranger.

Retreating from the water, he drops down and sits in the sand with his knees bent and motions with his head for me to sit next to him. I fall to the sand beside him and escape his steady stare by untying and removing my sneakers. I curl my bare toes in the sand, hoping to find comfort. I bend my knees and wrap my arms around them. Resting my chin on my legs as I stare out at the vast ocean, I can feel his eyes on me. I have yet to speak a word. I’m sure he’s interpreting my silence as confusion because he thinks he knows me—does he? Or have I changed?

Trapped in my own thoughts, his voice catches me by surprise. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, just listen. Okay?”

Again, I nod my head.

“What I had to do wasn’t easy, but I did it all for you. To protect you. I just hope you can see it that way.”

Twisting to the side, planting my hands in the sand, I finally find my voice. “What are you talking about?”

He rubs his palms over his shorts and I can tell he’s nervous. “Fuck, I don’t even know where to start.”

I level my head to look at him. “The beginning. How about you start at the beginning? Why you made us all think you were dead, when you weren’t.” I can hear my own voice sounding sad and that scares me.

He takes a deep breath, leans back and shoves his legs out in front of him. He looks around and then finally at me. “That’s just it. I don’t even know anymore where it all started. But two weeks before the awards ceremony is probably the beginning. Caleb called me and I remember the day like it was yesterday. You were at work and I was writing from home. His call was a surprise; I didn’t even know he was back from Afghanistan. We met and he told me an FBI task force approached him when he arrived home and he was asked to assist them in taking down a big drug ring. After a few weeks on the job, he couldn’t stand it anymore. He didn’t like the way the task force was operating and that’s when he called me.”

Feeling even more confused, I chime in to ask, “What did that have to do with you?”

Ben pulls his knees in, resting his elbows on them, and leans forward. “It had everything to do with me, with us. He asked me to write an article for The L.A. Times. And of course I said I would—who could say no to a story like that? He told me what he knew and I started researching. And son of a bitch if every time I found one thing, it didn’t easily lead to another. Before I knew it I had collected a shitload of incriminating information. What I didn’t know was that the investigation and my article was putting both of us in danger.”

“I don’t understand. Why would writing a story put you in danger? And what does this have to do with you pretending to be killed?”

“I found out things, traced the money, the drugs. I had the operation figured out. Caleb and I thought publishing my article would bring the cartel’s drug ring down faster than the FBI could. But we were wrong. The cartel found out and wanted the story stopped, so I said I’d kill it. But Caleb giving the information to them wasn’t enough. I was in danger. You were in danger.”

My eyes flash to his as the shock of what he’s saying hits me. “Ben, you were a journalist. That makes no sense. Journalists investigate stories all the time. Why would your story be any different?”

He rests his hand in the sand and his muscular arm draws my attention until he answers. “Because I had gotten closer to the truth than anyone else before me. I knew the ins and outs of the operation and they didn’t like that. How they found out—I’m not sure, but they did. Maybe a tip-off, maybe a data trace. I don’t know. But they knew about me, and they knew I had information.”

“Okay, Ben, let’s pretend I understand. So where does the shooting come in? Why,” my voice breaks, “did you have to die?”

“To save you. They threatened me. I had to protect you. It had to look like I died so they’d leave you alone. They had to think I was dead, or eventually you and I, we’d both be killed.”

My thoughts were racing as I tried to comprehend what he had explained. Trying to determine whether this wasn’t some wild fabricated story. I anticipated further imbalance from our conversation, and listening to him only reaffirms it.

He looks at me and continues. “Once I agreed to the plan, Caleb took care of everything. He arranged for someone to take the fall for shooting me, arranged my new location, my new identity, he arranged it all.”

Raking my fingers through the sand, I turn to watch a surfer as he rides a wave. “Wait—so Caleb knew this whole time that you weren’t really dead? He helped you?”

“Yeah he did. He also promised me he’d watch out for you.”

I have to ask, “Did he also know you were coming back?”

“No he didn’t. I saw him for the first time yesterday. He hasn’t been involved with my case for a while.”

Shaking my head, I’m still trying to understand everything. Ben is a case? Is he still working with the FBI?

He inches closer to me until he’s much too close, it feels too familiar, and I need to put some distance between us. But he captures my attention and I don’t move. He hesitates for the slightest moment, stopping inches from me. “So now do you see—I left for you. It was the choice I had to make.”

Gasping in disbelief, I move back and the apprehension I felt earlier turns to anger. “What do you mean ‘choice’? You had a fucking choice? Dying was a choice? Leaving me all alone was a choice?”

Talking over me with the same commanding tone he always used when I’d get riled he says, “Choice wasn’t the right word. Just calm down.”

I can’t take it anymore. “No, I’m not going to calm down!”

He tenses, his shoulders rising. “Dahl.”

“Don’t call me that! You don’t get to call me that anymore!”

“Okay. Alright. Just let me finish.”

I swivel in the sand to narrow my eyes at him. “No Ben, it’s my turn. Do you have any idea what I’ve been through? What you put me through? You died in front of me and you weren’t even dead? You aren’t dead!”

Watching the different emotions pass over his face is too much. I divert my gaze to the water. Staring at the waves, I can feel his eyes on me. “I don’t know. I only know what I went through and can only imagine what you had to endure was much worse. I’m so sorry you had to live with my death for so long. But I had to disappear.”

I snap my head back up and look right into his deep blue eyes, feeling the anger seep through every pore of my body. “You didn’t just disappear, Ben—you fucking died in front of my eyes. I saw him—the asshole that shot you. I saw the coroner take your body away. I went to your goddamn funeral knowing we had to have a closed casket. And you weren’t even in there! While I cried for you, mourned for you, loved you, missed you. At times I just wanted to die without you. Are you kidding me?” Trembling, I scream even louder, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

He takes a deep breath. “I didn’t know writing the article would lead where it did. If I had, I never would have stuck my nose into it. I swear I would have just let the FBI deal with it.” He leans closer to me and I stand up. He grabs my hand and forces me to look at him. A strange feeling runs through me, but it isn’t love.

I step back, forcing him to drop my arm but it doesn’t stop his words as he stands and says, “I’m so sorry that I didn’t share my secret with you before I left. No, actually sorry doesn’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling right now. I don’t think I will ever find the right way to express the remorse I feel about what I’ve done.”

I shake my head and open my mouth to say something, but he moves forward and touches a shaky finger over my lips. “Through everything, after all this time, you need to know . . . I have never ever stopped loving you, not for one second. And it scares the shit out of me to think that you don’t still love me. That you might actually love someone else.”

That’s when I lose any sense of control. Unable to listen to anymore I scream, “‘Might love someone else’?” After taking a deep breath I continue, “What did you think would happen? You died three years ago and it took me so long to move on. Getting past the grief, the sorrow, wasn’t easy, but I was finally able to move forward. So yes, I’m in love with someone else. You can’t come back here thinking . . . ,” I motion between us, “. . . that we’re going to just pick up where we left off. You can’t possibly believe that! Why did you even come back?”

He steps into me. He runs the tips of his fingers over the scrape on my cheek before I can move away and says, “Because I finally could, when I never thought I would be able to. Dahl the FBI caught the people that were after me. The ones who threatened your life. They fucking caught them. And I was free to come home. Don’t you get it?”

“I get it, Ben, but it’s crazy—FBI, free to come home. It’s just crazy.”

“I know it sounds that way, but it’s all true. All of it. It’s one big clusterfuck. You were never supposed to know any of this. I was dead—you were safe. That’s what was supposed to happen. But they suspected there was still information out there and they wanted it. They broke into our house looking for it, how they knew I have no idea. Then when the paid-off shooter was released, they went after him for it. He was scared and told them he didn’t have the information, but I was alive. They wanted to know where I was so they threatened his family if he didn’t find me. He went after you assuming you knew where I was.”

I feel my jaw drop. “Wait a minute! Is he the one who attacked me?”

Flinching, he says, “I’m so sorry. I never thought that would happen. I didn’t make the right decisions back then. Even when I was planning to leave, I still didn’t understand the full scope of the danger. So when Caleb asked me to hand over all the evidence I’d gathered, I stupidly kept some of it.”

Not even hesitating, I tell him, “Do you know when he attacked me, I thought I was going to be raped? And now I find out he was looking for you. Looking for information you kept.”

Ignoring my questions he doesn’t falter in his resolve. “I did it for you . . . I kept it as an insurance policy . . . just in case.”

Screaming at him, my whole body shaking, I tell him what I really believe to be the truth. “You didn’t do shit for me, Ben. It was for you. You’ve always done everything for yourself and don’t try to fool yourself into thinking anything different because I don’t. And what you just told me proves it.”

In an attempt to redeem himself he says, “You’re not hearing me. I didn’t do anything for myself. In fact, I wish I was there when that asshole attacked you because I would have fucking killed him. But I’m back now to protect you so it won’t happen again.”

“I don’t need that kind of protection from you. Don’t you get it? I have someone who will protect me.”

I see his jaw tighten and he moves to grab my left hand. At the sight of my engagement ring his eyes narrow. “Then why didn’t he protect you?”

I look at him in disbelief. “Protect me from what? The mess that you made? How would River even know?”

With a cocky grin he says, “You don’t know—do you? He knew. Caleb chased the shooter out of our house the night before your attack. Then he told that prick you’ve been playing house with to watch out for you, but obviously he didn’t. Luckily, the FBI caught the shooter, the guy that attacked you, that same afternoon. I guess you weren’t told that, either. That’s how all of this transpired. My shooter was the key, once they caught him all the pieces fell into place and the cartel’s operation was brought down.”

I yank my hand away and yell one final time, “Enough! Just stop!”

“No Dahl, I won’t. You need to hear me out.”

I can’t hear anymore. Or think anymore. Right now I’m feeling only one thing—betrayed. Any residual pain from my injuries is completely subdued as this new pain courses through my body. Ben left me all alone, left me to mourn him, and he was never really dead. River knew who attacked me. Someone broke into my house again. And River didn’t tell me any of this. As this despair courses over my deepest wounds, the word trust rings in my ear. I trusted Ben—was I wrong? I trust River—am I wrong? I have an overwhelming urge to escape this madness.

So I gather my socks and shoes, knowing I have to get away from here, that I’ve heard enough. He pretended to die because of something he was doing to further his career, he kept information that put me in danger, and now he wants to protect me. Is he kidding me? I believed in him. Now I wonder if I ever really even knew him—the Ben I thought I knew would never have left me alone for any reason.

He reaches for me, but I twist away. “Stop! Don’t touch me!”

As I leave he calls after me, “Don’t walk out of my life. I know I don’t deserve you but not having you will . . .”

He doesn’t finish or maybe he does and I just don’t hear what he says because I’ve stopped listening. I’m too distracted by my own thoughts. I can’t believe what he told me is true. I try to focus on the water crashing against the rocks instead of feeling the heavy burden of betrayal. And as I walk back to the old weathered planks, any confusion I might have had about Ben when I arrived is gone. I have nothing left to say to him. But my confusion has shifted to River. Does he really know everything Ben said he does?

I cross the threshold from the beach to my safe haven and look over at Grace’s house. Now is the time to remove any shadow of doubt because River is there, standing in the driveway. He’s leaning against my car with his arms folded and head down. He raises it just as I pass his car. I’m a mere ten feet away from him when his eyes graze the length of my body and then snap back up to mine.

His jaw tight, he spits out, “How was your little chat? Did you find out everything you needed to know?”

I’m taken aback by his hostility so I freeze. Before we get into any discussion over my coming here I need to put Ben’s accusations to rest. With my heart racing, I ask, “Do you know the identity of the man who attacked me?”

His body straightens and his eyes are cautious. He swallows before nodding his head. At that moment something inside me erupts as my trust in him starts to erode and an anger fiercer than I have ever felt surfaces. My fists clench without conscious thought as I storm toward him. I slam my hand on the hood of my car and his eyes dart to mine. I get as close as I can to him and with a craziness I never knew I had in me I scream, “You knew! You knew who attacked me! And you didn’t tell me!”

Shock and alarm cross his face but he immediately composes himself. He grabs me and pulls me to him. Clutching my shoulders tightly, his eyes travel across my face. “Yes I knew, but . . .”

I twist around with all my strength to free myself from his grip. “There is no but. I trusted you to always be honest with me.”

His face pales, his jaw drops and his forehead wrinkles. “What I didn’t tell you has nothing to do with honesty and trust, but what you did by coming here—that does.”

Irritated, I step back into him, now only inches away. “Are you kidding me? You’re going to turn this back around on me? I don’t think so.”

“Dahlia, I think we need to talk about all of this. Let’s just leave your car here and go.”

“What exactly is ‘all of this’?”

“I want to know why you came here to see him without telling me, without bringing me—why you would sneak out when I was sleeping.”

I shake my head as his eyes narrow on me.

He grabs my hand. “Come on, we’re leaving.”

With so much pain and anger welling up inside me, I know I can’t have this conversation with him right now. Feeling strangled, out of breath, I take a step back and free my hand from his. I trusted him completely—and he kept this from me. I have to calm down and figure out what that means. At the same time I can’t help looking into his mesmerizing green eyes. I can’t handle seeing my own fear and anger reflected in his eyes any longer. His stare intensifies and he’s looking at me, and I mean really looking at me, as if willing our connection to fix all of this.

I swallow a few times before forcing myself to look away. “No River, I can’t talk to you when we’re like this. I know we will both say things we don’t mean. We need time to figure our anger out before we sit down and have a conversation.”

He tries to yank me flush to his body. His voice shakes with fury. “I don’t need time to figure anything out. I get it. You left me a note. You ran here the first chance you got to see him! Was it a happy reunion or were things just getting started?”

I have never heard this kind of furious tone from him before, and, without any control, I pull back and slap him. “I told you I’m not having this conversation right now. Listen to yourself!”

Stomping over to my door, I get in, turn the key, and start to shake uncontrollably. I watch him through the window as he stands there in shock with his hand on his face. I want to get out of the car and say I’m sorry. I want to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him. I want him to hold me forever, but I am stuck in the moment, suspended between right and wrong, what should be and shouldn’t be. I know he’s questioning things, questioning Ben’s reappearance, and how it will affect us.

We just need to calm down. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what’s happening. Ben is a stranger to me; he did things I never imagined my Ben would do. And River kept something huge from me. It’s not even what he kept secret that bothers me; it’s the simple fact that he kept anything from me in the first place.

When “Amazing Grace” suddenly plays on my phone, I look down startled that my phone is lying on the console, plugged into the charger, but not surprised. River must have put it in here when he got to Grace’s. I shut my eyes and exhale a deep breath. I am wishing this day could start over as I listen to the same ringtone that started me on the path to where I am right now. I look toward the house and Grace stands there, her phone in hand. I silence my phone, turn it off, and drive away.

I turn the radio on hoping to drown out my thoughts with music. When I hear Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run,” I blast it. I’ve never been one for confrontation and what just happened felt more like a war. I can’t face the truth right now—the truth that the two men I trusted most in my life, lied to me. Not knowing where to go, I drive toward the rising sun.