Unravel

34—IMPASSE

“Did you have a fun weekend?”

“I did,” I say, as I close her office door.

Thankfully, she doesn’t ask what I did. I wouldn’t have told. I sit down across from her.

Dr. Rutledge smiles. “I can tell. You look… refreshed.”

“I feel refreshed,” I admit. I turn my head and stare out of the window. It snowed overnight and now there’s a fresh blanket of snow over the land.

“I know you miss him.”

I stare at Dr. Rutledge. Right now, I want to lean forward and ask her who do I miss… Lachlan or Max? Because my heart misses both of them. It is slowly ripping, straight down the middle and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I knew that after I came back to Fairfax I would have to explain the rest of my story. I didn’t sleep last night because of it. I didn’t see Lana’s dad in my room. I just replayed everything I’ve told Rutledge and the small piece that was left to tell. I don’t know if I’m ready.

Dr. Rutledge opens her notebook and grabs a pen and leans back in her chair. Her lips pull up into a smile. “Are you ready?”

“To tell you the rest of my story?”

She nods.

“I don’t know,” I whisper.

She lays her pen back down. “What are you thinking, Naomi?”

“That I’ve never gotten this far in telling my story.”

“Does that scare you?”

I shrug. “Maybe.”

“I think I would be scared too.” She rests her chin on her palm and drums her fingers against her cheek, staring down at her desk thoughtfully. “Having to hold all this to yourself is a large burden to carry. To give it all up would be even harder.”

Hesitantly, I nod, unsure what to do or say.

“We don’t have to do this today,” Dr. Rutledge says. “We can go at your pace. I’m happy with the progress you’ve made.”

So am I. All my progress took long enough but at least it’s happening. I know Dr. Rutledge is right. I know that giving it all up is hard, but it’s what is after my story—the unknown—that is much scarier to me. I feel like I’ve reached an impasse.

I rub my damp palms against the material of my sweat pants, until I create a friction that makes my skin tingle. Yesterday, Lachlan told me to be strong.

Be strong, be strong, be strong. I whisper over and over to myself until I finally look up at Dr. Rutledge and lift my chin, in what I hope shows my determination.

“I can keep going,” I finally say.

Dr. Rutledge tilts her head, staring. “Are you sure?”

I nod briskly. “I will tell you the rest.”