Whispers in the Dark

CHAPTER 10

SWANNY sat back in his chair with a groan. “That was the best meal I’ve had in a long time, Mrs. Kelly.”

Nathan’s mom beamed as she got up from her seat to start clearing the table. She stopped by Swanny and patted him on the cheek.

“You have to call me Marlene. Or Mom. Or Ma. Really. You’re family, so Mrs. Kelly just won’t do.”

Swanny had the same befuddled look on his face that most people did when encountering the storm that was Nathan’s mother. He looked torn between bemusement and wanting to hug the woman.

It had taken a lot of persuading to get Swanny to agree to

have dinner with the Kellys. He was self-conscious about his face, but then Marlene blithely ignored the scarring. She kissed, patted and otherwise made it a point to let Swanny know she didn’t care. He’d instantly become another of her children.

“You boys want to retire to the living room and have a beer? There’s a baseball game on,” Frank Kelly said. “Leave the dishes, Marlene. I’ll get them later.”

Nathan grinned. His dad still treated them like they were…boys. His boys. No matter how old they got. They were still the children of Marlene and Frank Kelly no matter what.

Joe tossed down his napkin and rose. “Beer sounds good. Baseball sounds even better.”

Rusty smiled impishly and darted a glance toward Frank. “Yeah, beer sounds great!”

Frank gave her a get-real look. “Very funny, young lady. You get lemonade.”

“Hey, I’m eighteen now!”

“And?” Marlene asked.

Rusty rolled her eyes. “And it means I have three more years until I’m legally allowed to imbibe.”

Marlene nodded approvingly. “Now you’re getting it.”

Nathan stood, as did Swanny, and they started to follow Frank and Joe into the living room. Rusty waited until Marlene had left to go get drinks then hurriedly rose and touched Nathan on the arm.

“Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?” she asked in a low voice.

Nathan frowned but hung back after motioning for Swanny to follow Nathan’s dad and brother.

Rusty looked a little nervous and hesitant, neither of which were qualities usually attributed to her.

“What’s up?” Nathan asked.

Things had come a long way in Rusty’s relationship with the Kellys. His brothers to be specific. But Nathan had always been more…understanding…so she naturally gravitated toward him more than his siblings.

Another of Marlene’s strays, Rusty had been taken in at the time when Rachel had been rescued and brought home after a year of being thought dead. The family situation had been volatile at best, and Rusty had added tension. She’d been defensive, bratty and sullen, but over time she’d earned her place and now she was as fiercely protective of the family as any natural-born Kelly.

“Look, I wasn’t supposed to ask you this. I mean Marlene and Frank didn’t want me to pressure you. I’m supposed to back off and let you breathe and stuff.”

Nathan lifted an eyebrow. One would think he was a hair from barking at the moon in full werewolf gear.

She hurried on in a rush. “But I really want you there. I mean like more than everyone else. Not that I don’t want everyone else there too, but it would be really great if you could make it as well.”

He put his hand on her arm. “Rusty.”

She quieted immediately, and her cheeks reddened.

“Just spit it out. Where do you want me to be?”

“Graduation,” she mumbled. “It’s this week. I would have said something earlier, I mean I didn’t want to just spring it on you like this, but Marlene didn’t want me to pressure you—”

“Of course I’ll come.”

“I know the crowd issue and that you don’t like being around so many people since you got home and all—”

“Rusty, I’ll come. I wouldn’t miss it.”

She looked up in surprise. Then a wide smile flashed on her face. “Really? I mean if you don’t want to. Or if it’s too much, I totally understand.”

He smiled. “You only graduate once, kiddo. I’ll suffer through it.”

Her lips turned down and her expression grew worried.

“I was kidding. Of course I’ll be there. The whole Kelly clan will be there. I’m sure Ma wants to frame that diploma. Has she already planned a party that includes the entire county?”

Rusty’s eyes shone with relief. Her smile returned and she jiggled with excitement. Then to Nathan’s surprise, she launched herself at him and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing tight.

“I wanted you there the most.”

The words were muffled by the fact that her face was planted against his chest. He smiled and then hugged her back.

As she pulled away, she glanced back toward the kitchen. “Just don’t tell Marlene I asked. Okay?”

“Lips are sealed.”

As they started toward the living room, Rusty hesitated once more and turned serious blue eyes on him. “I’m so glad you’re home, Nathan. I was—we were all—worried about you.”

He ruffled her hair. “Thanks, kiddo.”

It was nice to have family who worried about him. He was suddenly overcome with near-choking emotion. His eyelids stung and he cursed the onslaught of the aching relief of being home when he thought he’d never return here again.

Rusty slipped her hand into his and tugged him toward the living room. It embarrassed him that she seemed to realize how unstable he’d suddenly become.

Swanny was sitting on the couch next to Joe, who’d slouched, tossed off his shoes and then kicked his feet up on the ottoman. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but Nathan knew his leg still bothered him and he wasn’t yet one hundred percent after taking a bullet. Nathan’s own bullet wound had healed much faster. It had been a flesh wound and hadn’t hit bone as Joe’s had. Joe was training hard with a KGI team, but he still hadn’t been cleared for missions. Physically, Nathan was probably more ready for active duty again than Joe was. And yet, Nathan had still not even considered joining his brothers.

Nathan’s dad was in his recliner, remote in hand, and they all looked up when Rusty dragged Nathan into the living room.

“Your brothers are coming over,” Frank said.

Nathan raised his brows. “All of them?”

“Yeah, they aren’t happy you’ve been avoiding them—their words not mine.”

Nathan bit back a curse. He glanced over at Swanny, who was engrossed in the game already and arguing with Joe over batting averages.

“We could sneak out the back,” Rusty muttered.

Nathan chuckled and some of his anxiety lessened. The tension in his chest eased, and suddenly he could breathe again. He did want to see his brothers and his sisters-in-law and his sister-in-law-to-be, Sarah.

Sarah was quieter than even Rachel, and she still seemed ill at ease and overwhelmed by all the family members. It was obvious that Garrett was a total goner over the woman he was marrying. He never strayed far from her side, and now that Nathan was home, they were planning their wedding for later in the summer right before Rusty left for college at the University of Tennessee.

He looked at Rachel far differently now. Before he’d always been gentle with her, considered her fragile, as if she’d break at any moment. The whole family treated her like she was…weak.

Now he realized just what a disservice they did her. He couldn’t even comprehend the strength it took to survive in hell for an entire year. He’d been ready to give up after two months. He’d looked death in the face and accepted without blinking the inevitability of his own.

Rachel awed him and shamed him in equal parts. He had the sudden urge to see her again, even though it had only been a week since the last time he’d seen her. He wanted to hug her. To tell her how damn amazed he was by her. He didn’t think his family told her that often enough. Maybe they’d never told her.

“Take a load off,” Joe said.

Nathan blinked his way out of his thoughts and realized that everyone was staring at him. He wiped his palms down the legs of his jeans and settled onto the couch down from Swanny. Soon the room would be filled with his brothers and their wives. People would be sitting on the floor, spilled over the arms of chairs and the couch. And his mom would beam the entire time.

He glanced questioningly at Swanny, wanting to know if his friend was up for this. They’d spent the last two days alone at Nathan’s building site until Nathan’s mom had had enough and dragged them over for a real dinner, as she’d put it.

Swanny looked content—more content than Nathan—to be surrounded by so many warm people. But then Swanny didn’t have family. He’d had no one to return to when he and Nathan had been rescued. In Swanny’s position, Nathan would have given up hope a lot sooner. Only the drive to see his family again had kept him sane. What had given Swanny such determination?

If he could give Swanny a little peace by sharing his family, then Nathan would gladly do it. His mom would adopt him now anyway whether Swanny liked it or not. Nothing much stopped her when she set her mind to something, and collecting strays was a lifelong habit of hers.

“How is training going, Joe?” Frank asked.

Nathan traced one of the scars on his arm and didn’t look over for his brother’s response. His dad didn’t mean anything by it. He worried about his youngest sons. The family was thrilled to have them both home, and their brothers were content to have them under the KGI umbrella.

Nathan hadn’t made a commitment. He wasn’t even talking the possibility. Not yet. Maybe never.

“Going good, Dad. I’m being assigned to Rio’s team. Van is still working on a third team. That could be months in the works. He’s a picky bastard.”

“You’ll be taking assignments already?” Marlene asked sharply.

Nathan turned his head to see his mom walk into the living room with that classic “mom” look on her face, which meant she was displeased. And worried. She put the tray holding the drinks down on the coffee table and motioned for them to get one.

Joe snorted. “If I had my way, yeah. But for now I’ll just be training with Rio and his men.”

Marlene frowned harder. “But they live away. Doesn’t Rio live in some jungle somewhere?”

Joe grinned. “Belize, Mom. And yeah, he lives there. He doesn’t train there. We’ll train here at the new facility. It’s why Sam busted ass to get everything up and running. Well, and we still have permission from Uncle Sam to train at Fort Campbell too.”

“Well, that’s something at least,” Marlene muttered as she took a seat between Nathan and Swanny. “If it’s all the same, I’d like for my boys not to take off the minute I get them home. Has your doctor even given you the go-ahead for this kind of activity?”

She put her hand on Nathan’s leg and gave him a gentle squeeze, even though she didn’t look his way or direct her statement toward him. While his brothers worried incessantly over Nathan, Marlene seemed content to give him time and space and not pressure him to do anything at all.

But that might be because she feared he was one short fuse away from exploding. Which would explain why she hadn’t wanted Rusty to invite him to graduation. He sighed. He just wanted things to be normal, or as close to normal as possible. In the past she wouldn’t have hesitated one iota to tell him where and when to be wherever she thought he should.

Joe laughed. “Ma, I’m fine. No, I’m not one hundred percent, but I’m almost there and I will be there the more I work at it. I’m not going to get better sitting on my ass and feeling sorry for myself.”

Nathan didn’t look at his brother, but he could feel the weight of Joe’s stare. He knew the statement was pointed. He knew Joe thought he should be able to move on, stay busy, forget the last year. Put it out of his mind.

That was Joe.

Joe wanted Nathan to start training. Joe wanted to pretend that nothing had ever happened to Nathan because it hurt him to think of what had happened to his twin.

Everyone had their own idea of how to fix Nathan. And maybe that was the reason Nathan had pulled back. Because the only person who was going to fix Nathan was Nathan and he didn’t have that particular mystery solved yet.

The sound of the front door opening put an end to any conversation. A moment later, his brothers and their wives started pouring into the living room.

Baby Charlotte was immediately pounced on and passed from relative to relative and the smooches and cooing filled the room.

Nathan’s palms grew slick again and his scars itched. He rubbed his hands down his pants but forced himself not to rub at his chest and belly or his arms.

His chest tightened painfully and suddenly he couldn’t sit still any longer. He pushed himself upward, as if he were standing to greet the rest of his family. He forced himself to endure the backslaps from his brothers, but their voices sort of mingled together until it all sounded like a dull roar.

Murmuring an excuse that he had to go to the bathroom, he escaped to the kitchen and then stood over the sink, running water over his scarred arms while he tried to calm his rapid pulse rate.

After several deep breaths, he went to the fridge, fished out a beer and then retreated out the back door onto the deck. Inside they were no doubt openly discussing his continued distance and wondering how to break past the wall. Or maybe not since Swanny was there. But they were thinking it and exchanging helpless looks from some, determined looks from others. And probably drawing straws to see who came to find him.

If Swanny wasn’t having such a good time and looking happier than he had since he’d arrived to see Nathan, Nathan would have already left.

He propped his beer on the porch railing and stared into the darkness, listening to the soothing sounds of tree frogs and crickets. When the door opened, he sighed. When he turned around, though, he was surprised to see Rachel standing a few feet away.

He turned fully, leaning back against the wood railing. “Hey, doll. I didn’t figure you would draw the short straw or that you’d even be in the running.”

She tilted her head in confusion, the outside light shining over her dark hair. “Oh,” she finally said. “You thought they sent me.”

“They didn’t?”

She took the few remaining steps that separated them and stood quietly next to him, her gaze directed to the woods behind his parents’ house.

“No.”

He turned back around so they were facing the same direction. “Sorry. I know I probably seem paranoid and touchy.”

She smiled. “Understandable if you were.”

“How are you? I mean really? You doing okay these days? I haven’t seen much of you.”

She glanced over at him. “Shouldn’t I be asking how you’re doing? And you haven’t seen many of us.”

He winced, although there was no accusation in her tone. His scars itched and he rubbed one hand up his arm before clasping it around his elbow.

“I understand how you feel,” she said in a low voice. “Maybe no one has said that. Maybe because they don’t understand. I know how overwhelmed you are and that sometimes you really just want everyone around you to pretend things are normal.”

He sighed again. “Yeah, I know you do.”

Because he’d been thinking earlier just how much he wanted to hug her, he pulled her into his arms and wrapped his arms around her much smaller frame. She laced her arms around his waist and hugged him back just as tightly.

“You amaze me.”

She pulled away so she could look up at him. Her brows knitted together and a slight frown rested on her mouth.

“I don’t know how you managed to survive for an entire year.”

She pulled her arms back and then folded them across her chest, her fingers making little marks on her arms.

“Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you. I understand. Believe me.”

She shook her head. “No. It’s okay. Really. People don’t talk about it at all around me. It happened. I’m still dealing with it, but sometimes I wish that everyone would feel comfortable mentioning it.”

“I guess I’m not to that point yet. I just want everyone to stop looking at me…”

“With pity in their eyes? With so much sorrow that you feel like you’re going to drown in it? With a look that says they’re hurting with you and for you, and you just want to make it all go away so they won’t feel so bad and worry all the time?”

“Yeah, that.”

“They’re family. They love us. I actually understand them more now since you came back because I feel that way about you, and I stop myself at times and remind myself that the worry I feel is the same worry they felt for me.”

Nathan looped an arm around her again and hugged her close. “Thank you for that. It means a lot. I know I don’t act like it.”

She shook her head. “You can’t make yourself feel a certain way, Nathan. Believe me, I’ve tried. It takes…time.”

“You’re an amazing woman, Rachel Kelly. I just want you to know that. I was ready to give up and I was only gone for a few months. There were days when I thought it would just be easier to die. I wanted to die.”

“Why didn’t you then?” she asked softly.

His arm fell away and he turned to grip the railing with both hands. “Because someone saved me.”

She didn’t respond. Didn’t ask him who. She just stood there and waited. He liked that about her. She wasn’t pushy. She had such a quiet strength about her that wrapped around her. She calmed him like no one else in the family. Maybe that was why he was standing here waging a battle with himself over whether to confide in her. At least if she thought he was crazy, she wouldn’t go sound the alarm to the rest of the family.

He raised one arm, dragged a hand over his face and let out a disgusted sigh. “You’re going to think I’m nuts.”

She put one small hand on his shoulder. A simple touch. Still no response. And she waited. He liked that about her too. She didn’t lie and immediately deny that she wouldn’t think he was off his rocker.

“I was there. I mean I was thinking about death and the inevitability of death and wondered why I was fighting it. I told myself that I was fooling myself that I would ever see my family again. Why continue to be strong and endure when it was pointless?”

She let out a small sound of distress and leaned in closer.

“And then she spoke to me.”

Rachel tilted her head again. “Who did?”

“I don’t know,” he said. He wouldn’t say her name. She’d begged him not to tell anyone about her. He was breaking that promise here with Rachel, but he would at least not give her name. Even if she wasn’t real, it was important that he not betray her. “Maybe she was an angel. Maybe I imagined her. But she saved me.”

“Even after my memory grew so hazy with the drugs they gave me, I held on to Ethan. His name. His image. As time went on, I convinced myself he wasn’t real and that he was just my own personal warrior or angel. Take your pick. But he got me through my darkest days. I convinced myself that he would save me. Maybe it was all I had. It was either cling to that belief or just give up. I don’t think you’re crazy.”

“That’s not everything,” Nathan muttered. “We talked. I mean really talked. And the thing is…Boy, does this get crazier by the minute. The thing is, I couldn’t have imagined her because she emailed Van.”

Rachel pulled sharply away. “You mean the email he got telling him you were in Korengal Valley? The one telling him to talk to Joe?”

“That’s the one.”

Rachel pursed her lips and blew out her breath. “Okay, so when you say you talked to this woman, you mean like she was in the next cell? Or she was part of the group of people who kept you prisoner?”

It would be so easy to say yes. He should say yes and just forget this whole conversation. He’d refused to even discuss the email with his brothers. They were frustrated as hell because they wanted answers, but if they even brought it up, Nathan shut down.

“Nathan?” she prompted when the silence grew longer.

“Look, just forget it. It’s not important.”

She reached forward with surprising strength and pulled his hands toward her. She clasped them and stared up at him, her expression fierce.

“It is important. Talk to me, Nathan.”

He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “Thank you for listening, Rachel. Really. But this is something I’ve got to work out on my own.”

He saw the frustration in her eyes but also her understanding as he pulled away. Then she pushed forward and hugged him again.

“We love you, Nathan. We all do. Just remember that.”

The door to the patio opened and Ethan stepped out but then hesitated when he saw Nathan and Rachel.

“Hey, man, get your own woman. I should have known you’d be off sweet-talking mine.”

Nathan grinned and relaxed. This he could handle. Typical banter. He hadn’t realized how much he just wanted to revert back to old times where his brothers gave him shit instead of looking at him like he was a quarter off a full dollar.

But then he hadn’t helped in that area. If he wanted to be treated normally, he needed to stop putting up walls between him and his family.

“I can’t help if a pretty woman prefers my company,” Nathan drawled.

Ethan ambled forward and slid an arm around Rachel. “You two avoiding the family out here? I seem to remember Rachel slipping out here a time or two when things got overwhelming.”

“I was just telling her how amazing I think she is.”

Ethan smiled. “Well, I can’t argue with that.”

“Okay, you two, enough,” Rachel grumbled.

She slipped out of Ethan’s grasp, gave Nathan another quick hug and then headed inside, leaving Nathan alone with his brother.

“Everything okay, man?” Ethan asked when Rachel had shut the door.

“She’s pretty damn special,” Nathan said, ignoring the question.

“Yeah, I know. You two have a lot in common.”

Nathan’s lips quirked upward. “Oh? You think I look as good in a dress as she does?”

Relief flared in Ethan’s eyes at the comeback, but then his expression grew more serious. “No, I meant you’re both survivors.”