Working It

28

Emmy

I’d never been to Ben’s apartment, and even though I knew visiting was a terrible idea, I was completely helpless to say no. Part of me was curious about where he lived, and all of me was curious about what he wanted to tell me.

The car stopped in front of a beautiful brick building on a tree-lined street. The doorman greeted him and smiled warmly at me. I couldn’t help but wonder if Ben brought women here often. Surely Fiona had been here. I shuddered, shaking off the thought.

Riding the elevator to Ben’s floor, I found myself wanting to wedge myself against the far wall. I hadn’t been alone with him since I found out about the baby, and I had no desire to share the same small space, the same air with the man who had broken my heart so completely.

Ben quietly appraised me with his intense hazel eyes that always saw too much.

When we reached the ninth floor, he stepped off the elevator, still carrying my bag, and I dutifully followed.

Unlocking the door, Ben held it open for me to enter ahead of him. His apartment was spacious and open. The kitchen was to my right, and straight ahead were the combined living and dining rooms. It was neat and orderly, though a little stuffy with stale air.

I wasn’t sure where he was coming from, but it appeared he hadn’t been home in a while. He flipped through a large stack of mail that had been handed to him by the doorman and motioned for me to go ahead and take a look around.

The dining room held a round mahogany table and four cream-colored leather-upholstered chairs. I continued to the living room and the large bay window with a view of the city. The room held a chocolate-brown sofa, modern and sleek in its design, and two armchairs. There wasn’t much in the way of decorations, just a few black and white architectural photographs hung on the wall and a brick fireplace filled with tall white candles. It was simple but nice. Classic and elegant without being pretentious. It suited him.

Ben stowed our bags near the entryway and asked if I wanted something to drink. He pulled a couple of bottles of mineral water from the fridge, and I gave him a nod.

Something to distract me would be good. I fiddled with the cool bottle once he handed it to me, taking small sips.

Ben sat in one of the armchairs across from the sofa. “Sit down, Emmy.”

My body, accustomed to pleasing him, immediately lowered to the couch. I couldn’t meet his eyes so I stared down at my hands instead. It was too painful to look at him. Too many memories. As quickly as we’d started our relationship, it had been snatched away. Just sitting across from him was throwing me for a loop.

“I’ve asked Fiona to have the paternity testing done,” he said, cutting straight to the chase.

The air in my lungs contracted painfully, pinching in my chest.

“She said the in-utero testing has some risks associated with it. She also gave me a speech about how she’s wanted this baby . . . dreamed about this for two years and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize it. She’s agreed to do the test just as soon as the doctors say it’s safe, which will be after the birth.”

“Oh.” I should have felt something here—worried? Relieved? But, strangely, I was devoid of all emotion. Nearly eight months more of not knowing. “Are you still working with her?”

“I am,” he replied, casually.

“I see.” I didn’t know why he wouldn’t just quit. She was clearly toxic to him . . . to us. . . .

“I have a contract with her. It doesn’t expire until next spring,” he added.

And just as he wouldn’t press charges for her taking advantage of him, I was willing to bet money he wouldn’t take her to court to end their contract early, either.

Ben leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and pinning me with a heated stare. “Emmy . . . I miss you.” His voice broke into that deep, husky tone.

I felt his anguish. It was the same anguish that had haunted me for the last two months. I missed him, too. There was no denying that. But I worried we were all wrong for each other. Too much drama. Not enough normalcy.

“Ben, you really think a relationship between us would have ever worked out? We’re from two different worlds.”

“Of course I do. I know it would have.”

“And you still think that after living through the catastrophic levels of drama Fiona stirred up for us?” I hung my head; I couldn’t stomach seeing the hope in his brilliant eyes. “I can’t do this again.” I couldn’t put my heart through the wrenching feelings that had owned me for the past few weeks. If and when I was ready to date, I promised myself I’d choose someone safe. A nice, normal guy with a normal job. Not an insanely sexy and intense man who turned my insides into a pile of goo. I’d been defenseless against Ben. That couldn’t happen again. With time to reflect, I knew that the way I’d become totally fixated on everything he said and did wasn’t healthy. Every tiny emotion he made me feel—and let’s not forget my body’s response to him. I’d never had such an intense relationship. When I was ready, I knew I needed something like my parents had. Slow and steady. Something stable and reliable.

“You don’t have to see her. You don’t have to talk to her. I’ll be represented by her agency for the next several months, but that’s it. I’ve cut out the personal shit. No more doctor appointments, no more hanging out. . . . You were right. She wanted more with me. Probably always has. It was time to end it.”

“Ben, she jumped you in your sleep. You could just quit working for her.”

He released a deep sigh and scrubbed one hand over the back of his neck. “It’s not that simple. Just trust me, okay?”

I smiled smugly. “I tried that. It didn’t work out so well for me.”

He frowned. “Fuck, Emmy. I’m sorry. I was trying to do the right thing, do the committed relationship thing with you . . . be a friend to Fiona. Fuck.” He twisted his hands in his hair.

Realization struck me like a smack to the head. Ben hadn’t truly done anything wrong. Fiona had asked him to keep her fertility issues a secret. And he’d honored that. He hadn’t cheated on me—well not purposely, anyway. She’d taken advantage of him. Maybe I was being too hard on him. God, this was confusing. My head was a mess.

When I looked up and met his eyes I saw that he was telling the truth. He wanted to make this work. He wanted me.

Each time I saw him, it was like the first time. His strong jawline, defined chest, broad shoulders, and full mouth were such a sensual combination; it destroyed my presence of mind to stay away. Even if it ended up destroying me, I couldn’t stay away from him. Wouldn’t. “What will you do if it’s yours?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

“Would you . . . want to be with her? Raise the baby?” I held my breath.

“No. I’m with you. I want you. Even though she and I were romantically involved in the past, I never considered actually being with her. It wasn’t like that between us.”

“Okay. I guess we’ll . . . figure it out together. . . .”

“Yes. Together.” His hand reached out to take mine. It seemed harmless enough. But when the warm weight of his palm slid against my skin, one touch was all it took. I realized in an instant that even without knowing if the baby was his, I was willing to accept him and all his baggage.

Memories that refused to fade rushed in, overwhelming my sense of clarity. His touch pushed away the hurt and betrayal and flooded me with warmth and awareness. We’d always had this raw, chemical reaction. Time hadn’t changed that. I didn’t know why I thought it’d be safe to come here with him. No way was I immune to this man. And his home was very much him. His light male scent clung to the space, and the interior exuded his sexy, confident charm.

Ben laced his fingers between mine, the move possessive and sure. My whole body clenched, tightened—my breathing coming in shallow pants. Ben read my reaction all in a single heartbeat, and I could see how affected he was by me, too. My lips trembled. I knew I should say something to his revelation. That was why we were here—to talk—but somehow all I could think about was that his bedroom door was less than twenty feet away, and how the incredible pressure of his thick cock pushing into me always stole my breath.

“What do you want?” he asked, his voice a low whisper.

“I . . . I don’t know,” I murmured. I wanted to go back in time to tell Fiona to shove the promotion up her ass, and I’d stay with Ben in Paris. Unfortunately, life didn’t work that way.

Ben moved to sit beside me on the couch. One hand gripped my waist while his other combed through my hair. It had been so long since he’d touched me and my body was on fire with want. Want for this beautiful, sexy man who destroyed me from the inside out.

“Emmy . . .” My name was a broken murmur; his voice, raw and husky. “You can’t look at me like that with those pretty gray eyes.” His thumb caressed my cheek. “It brings back too many memories.” He leaned in closer, his lips brushing the outer shell of my ear. “It makes me want to take you to bed and fuck you until you scream my name.”

I didn’t answer. Couldn’t. My voice had failed me. Cognitive thought had failed, too. Acting on instinct, I placed my palm against his cheek, skimming my fingers lightly across his stubble-roughened skin.

His breathing hitched.

I wasn’t saying no. I wasn’t saying yes.

Ben’s eyes roamed to my mouth.

He wanted to kiss me.

I wanted to forget all the fucked up things that had happened and capture what we’d lost. I bit my bottom lip, letting my teeth pull against the tender flesh. Ben growled and his mouth came down on mine. His kiss was frenzied, his tongue stroking mine in a desperate way.

His mouth left mine only to travel down my throat, his tongue leaving damp kisses along my sensitive skin. His hand traveled north from my waist, moving under my shirt to press against my side. His thumb skittered along the underside of my bra but he didn’t go any farther. My heart thundered in my chest, waiting for him to make contact with my achy breasts.

“Emmy . . . tell me this is okay . . . I need to be inside you baby, so bad. . . .”

My sex clenched with his admission. I didn’t know where we stood, didn’t care. I wanted him just as badly. Wanted him to chase away all the hurt and confused feelings, and nothing would do that better than feeling his body overtake mine with raw lust and sensation.

His hazel eyes burned with passion. “If you want me to stop, tell me now.”

I stayed quiet, afraid of what I might say.

Ben lifted me like I weighed nothing at all, securing one arm under my legs and the other around my back, and carried me to his bedroom.

His room was spacious with a king-sized bed in the center, dressed in slate-gray sheets with plenty of fluffy pillows. The last of the sunlight was fading, giving the room a pretty, pink glow.

A cozy-looking, leather armchair was pushed into the corner and had several copies of Vogue scattered around it on the floor. But best of all, it smelled like the crisp, masculine scent of his cologne.

He lowered me to the bed carefully and sat on the edge. His fingers tugged at the hem of my shirt and I dutifully lifted my arms so he could remove it. After a flick of the clasp at my back, he slid my bra straps down my arms, disposing of my bra on the floor at the foot of the bed.

Ben’s eyes left mine to roam down my naked chest. He sunk to his knees in front of me and pressed a soft kiss to my belly. Then his eyes lifted to mine and he began peeling my yoga pants down my hips, taking my panties with them. I lifted up a bit off the bed, and he slowly slid the clothing down my legs, removing it completely. I was exposed and vulnerable, but I didn’t feel that way. His darkened gaze looked over me hungrily, making me feel beautiful and desired. I wanted him to touch me, to put his mouth and hands on me, but he just knelt in front of me, watching my eyes with his hungry gaze.

“Ben,” I whispered, unsure of how to ask for what I wanted. His hands captured my hips and he forced me to lay back against the bed, but I supported myself on my elbows, unsure what he was about to do. Ben crawled up my body, tugging his shirt off quickly. His warm skin pressed against mine and I gripped his strong shoulders. His lips pressed against my collarbone, the top of my chest, my upper arm. He trailed gentle kisses all over my skin, my breasts tingling in wait for him.

Finally his mouth kissed along the swell of my breast, his fingertips making feather-light touches around my nipples. He pressed my breasts together, admiring the generous cleavage it created, and brought his head down to lick and nip at my sensitive nipples. I let out a throaty cry. I didn’t know just how this could feel so good.

I squirmed beneath him, desperate to grind my center against him. But Ben was relentless. He licked and sucked at my breasts until I was writhing and moaning his name. Then he lifted his head and a tiny smile danced in his eyes, like somehow the sound of me moaning his name was his goal all along. Like it somehow made this moment more real.

I sat up and tugged ruthlessly at his belt, fighting to get his pants off. Ben, seemingly in no hurry, lifted onto his knees so I was face level with his groin. My trembling fingers finally succeeded in undoing his pants and I tugged them and his boxer briefs down his hips. He was rock hard and swollen. And even bigger than I remembered. His heavy length stood ready and waiting for me. Leaning forward, I took him in my mouth, sucking at him greedily, gripping him with both hands. As soon as my mouth closed around him, we each groaned. Ben’s palms brushed my cheeks as he watched me work, his eyes half mast and filled with desire.

“Fuck, baby. You give such good head.” I licked all along his shaft, letting him watch the sexy way I was kissing his most sensitive part. I felt like I must be doing something right because he groaned low in his throat, his body making little thrusts into my mouth. “Emmy, ah . . . fuck . . . fuck . . .” He pressed deep to the back of my throat and I felt a warm rush signaling his release.

Still kneeling, he came down on top of me, pressing my back into the mattress once again.

Even after he’d come, he was still rock hard and I felt him nudging against my lower stomach.

His fingertips lightly circled my sensitive clit as he whispered sweet and dirty things in my ear. “You’re so wet for me, baby. . . . Good girl . . . I want to fuck you so bad. . . .”

I whimpered as the pleasure built inside me. Taking him in my hand, I guided him to my entrance. Ben let out a throaty groan as the head of his cock met my warmth. I froze then scrambled toward the headboard and away from him.

His eyes widened. “Emmy?”

I shook my head slowly. “Condom . . . you have to wear a condom.”

His brow knit in confusion. We hadn’t used condoms in months, ever since we’d had the talk.

“I haven’t been with anyone else, baby. Have you?”

I shook my head. Of course I hadn’t. But he had. “Ben . . . you were with Fiona. I don’t trust it. I need you to wear one.”

His eyes dropped from mine to the rumpled sheets. “Fuck,” he cursed under his breath. After a long silent moment, Ben went into the bathroom, leaving me alone on the bed, giving me time to cool off and think. Neither of which were good. I just wanted to lose myself in the moment and not be reminded of all the crappiness of the past couple of months.

I lay still, trying to quiet my thoughts, to silence the doubts rushing in. I was already falling back into him, pulled into his bubble, consumed and unable to walk away. And I couldn’t regret that. This is exactly where I wanted to be.

He emerged a minute later carrying a box of condoms. He met my eyes and I knew he could read my reluctance. I was sure it was written all over my face. Perhaps jumping into bed with him was the exact wrong thing to do. I’d once told him that starting off a relationship with sex would never work. It needed to be built on something stronger in order to last. But the scent of his skin and the way that he touched me was almost enough to make me forget any and all rules. He was too tempting.

He approached the side of the bed then paused, waiting for my lead.

My brain, now working a bit more clearly, knew that this wasn’t the solution. I couldn’t fall into bed with him so easily again and expect our steamy hot sex to blossom into a real, trusting relationship. I lifted my chin and met his eyes. “If we’re going to do this . . . there can’t be anymore hiding things from me. I need brutal honesty between us.”

“There’s no if. We’re doing this, baby. You’re mine.” He stepped closer, tipping my chin up to meet his eyes.

The haunted man I’d grown to care so much about stared back at me. I didn’t argue.

“I think we should take things slow,” I murmured, a statement made all the more awkward by the fact that we were both naked.

“Fuck going slow. I love you. I’m in love with you, and I need you. I’m going to spend every day showing you just how much you mean to me. I’m not letting you go without a fight this time. We belong together.”

Rather than answering him, I tugged the sheet up around my naked chest, hugging it to my body as I maneuvered from the bed to stand before him. “I need to call Ellie. She was expecting me at our apartment.”

Ben stepped closer, but I continued past him, silently grabbing my jeans from the floor and tugging them on.

After dressing, I dug my phone out of my purse and discovered I’d missed six phone calls from Ellie and three texts. The last was:

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!?

I stepped out into the living room and stood near the floor-length windows to return her call.

“Emmy, where the hell are you? I checked your flight—it landed on time. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” I was reluctant to admit I’d come home with Ben. He was firmly at the top of Ellie’s Dead to Me list. I spun around and met Ben’s eyes. He’d dressed in jeans and a worn sweatshirt that looked soft. “I’ll be home in a bit.”

Ben’s mouth tightened into a line and he shook his head.

“Where the hell are you?” Ellie’s worried tone pulled my eyes away from Ben’s.

“I’m, uh, at Ben’s.”

“What the fuck are you doing there? Better yet, let me grab my pitchfork and I’ll join you.”

“Ellie. I can’t just walk away from him.” Even as I said it, I knew it didn’t explain anything.

“Okay . . .” She paused. “I’m listening.”

I pulled in a deep breath and held it for a moment before releasing it slowly. “We’re talking. I’ll call you in a bit. Don’t worry about me, okay?”

“I just miss you.”

“I know. I miss you, too. See you soon, all right?”

Ellie mumbled her good-bye, and I could tell she was clearly not happy with me. I’d have some friendship mending to do later. Not only had I moved out suddenly last month, but I’d sort of been bad about picking up the phone when she’d called, too. I’d just retreated into myself while in Tennessee. Sleeping a lot, gardening with my mom, and eating plenty of home cooking, enough to offset the obligatory five-pound weight loss I’d experienced when I first got there. Stuffing the phone back into my purse, I could still feel Ben watching me.

“Come sit.” He motioned me toward the sofa and I joined him, being sure to keep plenty of space between us. “Are you hungry? I could order out.”

I shook my head. “I’m fine.” It was late evening, and though I hadn’t eaten dinner, food was the last thing on my mind. I was still spinning over what had just happened in his bedroom. I’d basically freaked out when I remembered he’d been inside Fiona. Maybe I shouldn’t blame him so much—he’d been passed out drunk according to him, but he’d still comforted her, let her spend the night. I shook my head to clear the thought.

“Where were you flying in from today?” I asked, suddenly remembering he was at the airport.

“I had a shoot in Miami.”

Oh. He didn’t say if Fiona was there with him, and I wasn’t about to ask. We were talking, making progress. I didn’t want to shut that down just yet.

“I’m sorry if I pushed you too fast . . .” His eyes wandered to his bedroom door and a shiver raced down my spine.

“It wasn’t your fault. I wasn’t thinking clearly, either. It’s just . . . been so long . . .”

He laced his fingers with mine and gave my palm a squeeze. “Talk to me, baby.”

My shoulders relaxed a little, the stiff posture I’d been holding easing. “It’s just going to take me some time.” I didn’t add that I wasn’t sure we could ever get back what we had, though the thought filtered through my mind.

“I’ve got time. We’ll take as long as you want.” He lifted my hand to his mouth and pressed a tender kiss to my palm. “I’ll wait as long as you need.”

I realized that Ben and I had rushed right into the physical. Again. I had so much to figure out—where we stood, where I was going to work. . . . I needed to sort things out before I could rush back into this.

“I need to go slow.” My voice was firm, and I silently patted myself on the back.

“Slow?” he asked.

“Like, we’ll date . . . and wait to have sex. . . .”

“Waiting . . .” His eyebrows lifted. “Hmm . . . that’s different. . . .”

He’d never waited for sex in his life, that I was sure of. He could have any girl he wanted dropping her panties in a matter of minutes.

“What, you don’t like the idea?” I asked.

“If it’s what you want, I will do it. Gladly.”

I nodded. Good. “It’s what I need.”

“Will you sleep over?”

I chewed on my bottom lip. “I don’t know, Ben . . .” It probably wasn’t the best idea.

“Just sleep. I won’t touch you unless you ask me. Please.”

He looked tired—exhausted, really—and it felt selfish to say no when I knew sleeping beside me worked wonders for his insomnia. Besides, it wasn’t as though I actually wanted to leave. Curling up in his bed, breathing in his scent, feeling warm and secure in his arms sounded fabulous.

“Okay,” I acquiesced.

“Okay?” A lazy smile overtook his face.

I returned his smile and placed my hand in his. Ben pulled me from the couch and guided me back to his bedroom, the room where things had grown too heated just a few moments before.

Ben carried my suitcase into his room, and I sent a text to Ellie telling her I’d see her in the morning. I fished out my toiletry bag then joined him in the bathroom where we brushed our teeth side by side at the dual vanity. Ben cast glances at me in the mirror. I liked being in his space. It felt domestic and very normal after everything we’d been through.

Back in his room, I knelt on the floor in front of my suitcase to locate some pajamas. My mom had insisted on washing everything before I packed so I didn’t arrive back in New York with my luggage full of dirty laundry. I pulled out a pair of navy silk sleep shorts and a pink tank and saw Ben frowning as he emerged from the master bath.

Surely he wouldn’t forbid pajamas. He’d said this was just sleeping.

He crossed the room to the tall chest of drawers and pulled out a T-shirt. “I want you in my clothes or nothing at all.” His voice left no room for argument. He handed me the shirt. It was ultrasoft cotton and smelled like his laundry soap. I resisted the urge to bring it to my face and inhale. “Thanks.”

Ben cut the lights while I quickly undressed in the darkness.

When I stood, he was still standing beside the bed waiting for me. His eyes lowered to the hem of the T-shirt that hit me midthigh. “Beautiful,” he whispered.

He peeled back the sheets and covered us with the fluffy white down comforter that was folded over the end of the bed, wrapping us both in warmth.

In the moonlight, I saw Ben smile. “Everything okay?”

“Fine.” My voice was a tiny whisper.

“Thanks for staying.”

“Have you been taking your pills again?”

He nodded. “They haven’t worked for shit, but yeah.”

My heart tugged for him. For us both.

“Come here,” he whispered, opening his arm so I could move close to him. “I want you close. I need to hold you.”

I rolled onto my side and edged closer. Resting my head against his chest, I felt it rise and fall steadily with each deep breath he drew. His hand trailed along my side until it rested on the dip in my waist. Something about him touching me grounded me, made me feel whole. Ben’s hand glided down to my hip then slowly smoothed back up to my ribs.

“God, baby. You have no fucking idea how much I missed you.”

There was still a lot for us to talk about, but I missed him, too. “I’m here, Ben. Just sleep,” I whispered.

“I feel bad that I got off and you didn’t. Let me take care of you, honey.” His hand trailed along my side again, moving down to caress the skin at my hip under the T-shirt. His rough hand on my bare skin sent a warm tingle through my belly, and my breath caught in my chest. “Then starting tomorrow, we’ll begin the waiting . . .” he added.

“It doesn’t work that way.” I needed to remain strong. If only to prove to myself that I could, and that there was more to our relationship. My libido had taken a backseat when I realized we needed to use a condom. I didn’t know where Fiona had been, and I wasn’t taking any chances. Besides, that realization had killed the mood completely. Now with Ben touching me, promising to make me come as I knew he could . . . my judgment was slightly more clouded.

His thumb traced a light pattern along my hip, caressing me in slow circles. “You sure you don’t want this?” he asked, his voice deep and husky.

“I’m not ready yet,” I admitted.

He removed his hand from under the T-shirt, hugged me close, and kissed my forehead. “Okay. Sleeping only. And cuddling. I just didn’t want to be a dick and leave you hanging.”

I chuckled silently. “It’s fine. I just don’t want to rush things this time.”

“I told you, we’ll take all the time you need. I’m not worried. The most important thing is that you’re still here with me.”

I tangled my legs in between his and snuggled into his broad chest.

He curled himself around my body, nestling in snuggly. The warm weight of his calf draped over my thigh pinned me to the mattress. His chest rose and fell in long steady breaths, signaling that sleep was already pulling him under.

“Don’t leave me, Tennessee,” his sleepy voice rasped.

I squeezed him tighter. I didn’t know how a relationship could survive the threat of Fiona’s psychotic presence looming in the background, but I’d try. I had little choice. I needed this man. And it seemed he needed me.

I exhaled heavily and burrowed my face against his neck, breathing him in. His delicious, masculine scent filled my lungs and relaxed me.

“Emmy . . . mine . . .” he murmured in his sleep.

For now, I thought. My wrecked heart wasn’t ready to sign up for this, but my body wouldn’t heed the sensible advice. I was his. He was mine. This beautiful, damaged, intense man was mine. For better or worse. I needed to see what happened next.