Big Girl

Chapter 17

As soon as Victoria flew back to New York, two days after Gracie’s graduation, she called Dr. Watson. Her psychiatrist was still in the same place, with the same number, and called Victoria back on her cell phone that night. And she asked how she had been. She said she was fine and was anxious to see her, so Dr. Watson managed to squeeze her in the next day. She noticed when Victoria walked in that she looked slightly more grown up but essentially the same. She hadn’t changed. Victoria was wearing black jeans, a white T-shirt, and sandals. It was a hot New York summer day. And her weight was about the same as it had been the last time they met. No better and no worse.

“Is everything all right?” the psychiatrist asked her, sounding concerned. “You sounded like it was urgent.”

“I think it is. I think I’m having some kind of wake-up call or identity crisis or something.” She had been upset since graduation day. It was hard enough watching Gracie graduate, without having her get engaged on the same day. “My little sister got engaged a few days ago. She’s twenty-two years old. She got engaged on her graduation day from college, just like my parents. They think it’s fine since the man she’s marrying, or wants to, has tons of money. I think they’re all crazy. She’s twenty-two years old. She won’t have a job, he doesn’t want her to. She wanted to work in journalism, now she doesn’t care. And she’s going to end up just like my mother, being a backdrop for him, and seconding all his opinions, of which her fiancé has many, just like my father. She’s going to lose herself married to this guy, and the thought of it is making me crazy for her. And all she wants to do is get married. I think she’s too young. Or maybe I’m just jealous because I have no life. All I have is a job I love. That’s it. And if I say anything about thinking she shouldn’t get married, to her or my parents, they’ll think it’s sour grapes.” The story poured out of her like marbles rolling down a hill.

“Is it sour grapes?” the shrink asked her bluntly.

“I don’t know.” Victoria was always honest with her.

“What do you want, Victoria?” the doctor pressed her. She knew it was time to do that now. Victoria was ready. “Not for her. For yourself.”

“I don’t know,” she said again, but the doctor knew better.

“Yes, you do. Stop worrying about your sister. Think of yourself. Why are you back here? What do you want?” Tears filled Victoria’s eyes as she listened to the question. She did know. She was just afraid to say it, or admit it to herself.

“I want a life,” she said softly. “I want a man in my life. I want what my sister wants. The difference is I’m old enough to have it, and I never will.” Her voice suddenly grew stronger, and she felt braver. “I want a life, a man, and I want to lose twenty-five pounds by next June, or at least twenty.” It was clear.

“What’s happening in June?” The doctor looked puzzled.

“Her wedding. I’m the maid of honor. I don’t want everyone to feel sorry for me because I’m a loser. Her fat spinster older sister. That’s not who I want to be at her wedding.”

“Okay. That’s fair. We’ve got a year to work on it. That sounds reasonable to me,” the psychiatrist said, smiling at her. “There are three projects here. ‘A life,’ you said, and you have to define what that means to you. A man. And your weight. We’ve got work to do.”

“Okay,” Victoria said with a quaver in her voice. It was an emotional moment for her. She had had an epiphany. She was tired of not having what she wanted, and not even admitting it to herself because she thought she didn’t deserve it, because her parents had told her so. “I’m ready.”

“I think you are,” the doctor said, looking pleased, as she glanced at the clock behind Victoria’s shoulder. “See you next week?” Victoria nodded, suddenly aware of all that she had to do. This was bigger than a wedding. She had to go on a serious weight-loss program, and do whatever she had to do to keep it off this time. She had to make an effort to get out in the world and meet men, and dress for the part. And open her life to other opportunities, people, places, things, everything she had been longing for but never had had the courage to do. This was scarier than when she’d moved to New York, and harder to organize than any wedding. But she knew she had to do it. When Gracie got married, Victoria would be thirty. By then she wanted her dream too, not just Gracie’s.

She walked back from the doctor’s office feeling empowered. She walked into the apartment, went straight to the kitchen, and started cleaning out the fridge. She started with the freezer and threw all the frozen pizzas and eight pints of ice cream into the garbage. As she was doing it, Harlan and John walked in. John was working at the museum with him that summer, during summer break from school.

“Oh shit, this looks serious,” Harlan said, looking at her in amazement. The chocolate candy she’d brought home from a school party went next, and a cheesecake she had left in the fridge half eaten. “Is there a message here, or are you just doing spring cleaning?”

“I’m losing twenty-five pounds by June, and keeping them off this time.”

“Is there some reason for this resolution?” he asked cautiously, as John reached into the fridge and took out two beers. He opened them and handed one to Harlan and took a swig of his own. It tasted good. But beer wasn’t her thing. She preferred wine, which was fattening too. “A new guy maybe?” Harlan asked her, looking hopeful.

“That too. I just haven’t met him yet.” She turned to face them as she closed the freezer door. “Gracie’s getting married in June. I’m not going to be the maid of honor at that wedding, twenty-five pounds overweight and living like an old maid. I went back to my shrink.”

“This sounds like Sherman’s march on Georgia,” Harlan said, looking pleased for her. This was exactly what she needed and had for years. He’d been losing hope for her recently. Her eating habits were as bad as ever, and her weight never changed. “You go, girl! Let us know if there’s anything we can do.”

“No more ice cream. No pizza. I’ll do the treadmill. I’ll go to the gym. Maybe Weight Watchers. A nutritionist. A hypnotist. Whatever it takes, I’ll do it.”

“Who’s Gracie marrying, by the way? Isn’t she a little young? She just graduated last week.”

“She’s way too young, and it’s totally stupid. My father loves him because he’s rich. It’s the same guy she’s been dating for four years.”

“That’s too bad. But you never know. Maybe it’ll work.”

“I hope so for her. She’s going to give up her whole identity to marry him. But it’s what she wants, or thinks she does.”

“It’s a long way till June. A lot could happen by then.”

“That’s true,” she said with a fierce light in her eye that he hadn’t seen in years, maybe ever. She was on a holy mission. “I’m counting on it. I have one year to get my life and body into shape.”

“You can do it,” Harlan said with conviction.

“I know I can,” she said, and finally believed it, wondering what had taken her so long. For twenty-nine years she had believed her parents, that she was ugly, fat, and doomed to failure because she was unlovable. And she suddenly realized that just because they said it, or thought so, didn’t mean that it was true. She was bound and determined now to shed the shackles they had put on her. All she wanted now was to be free.

She signed up at Weight Watchers the next day, and came home with instructions and a scale for food. And she enrolled at a new gym the day after. They had beautiful machines, a weight room, a dance studio, a sauna, and a pool. Victoria went there every day. She jogged around the reservoir every morning. She followed her diet diligently, and went in to be weighed once a week. She talked to Gracie nearly every day about the wedding, and her mother more than she wanted to. It was all they thought about now. Victoria called it Wedding Fever. She had lost nine pounds by the first day of school, and she felt good. She was in shape. She still had a long way to go. She had reached a plateau, but she was determined not to get discouraged. She’d been there before. Many times. But this time she was not going to let go, and she was seeing her shrink regularly. They were talking about her parents, her hopes for her sister, and they were finally talking about what she wanted for herself. She had never done that before.

Her students felt the difference in her too. She was stronger and more sure of herself. Helen and Carla told her they were proud of her.

Victoria was annoyed that her sister wasn’t working and hadn’t since graduation. She wasn’t even looking for a job now that she was engaged, which Victoria didn’t think was good for her, or her self-esteem. She said she had no time, but Victoria knew there was more to life than just planning a wedding, and being married to a wealthy man. Her shrink told her it wasn’t her problem, and to concentrate on herself, so she was. But her concern for her sister troubled her too.

She only lost two pounds in September. But she had lost eleven in all, so she was halfway to her goal, and looking fit, when Gracie announced in October that she was coming for the weekend to look at wedding gowns, and pick bridesmaids’ dresses, and she wanted Victoria’s help. Victoria wasn’t sure she was ready to do that, but Gracie was the baby sister she loved and could never deny anything to, so she agreed, despite a stack of papers she had to correct that weekend. Her shrink asked why she hadn’t asked Gracie to come some other time. The wedding wasn’t until June.

“I couldn’t do that,” Victoria said honestly.

“Why not?”

“I’m not good at saying no to her. I never do.”

“Why don’t you want her to come this weekend?” They were into total honesty.

“I have work to do,” Victoria said easily as the doctor looked at her and called her on it.

“Is that really the reason?”

“No. I haven’t lost enough weight, and I’m scared she’ll pick a bridesmaid dress I look awful in. All her friends are the same size she is. They’re all a size two or four. They’ve never heard of a size fourteen.”

“You are you. You won’t be a size fourteen by next June,” the doctor reassured her. Victoria hadn’t wavered in her resolve.

“What if I am?” she said with a look of panic. Her dream was to be a size eight. But even a ten would have been thrilling if she could maintain that weight.

“Why do you think you won’t succeed?”

“Because I’m afraid my father’s right, and I’m a loser. Gracie just proved him right again. She’s going to be married at twenty-two to the perfect guy. I’ll be thirty by the time she gets married. I’m still not married. I don’t even have a boyfriend, or a date. And I’m just a schoolteacher.”

“And a good one,” the doctor reminded her. “You’re the head of the English department at the best private high school in New York. That’s not small potatoes.” Victoria smiled at what she said. “Besides, you’re the maid of honor. You can wear a variation or even something entirely different, if she picks something that won’t look good on you. She’s giving you a chance to choose.”

“No,” Victoria corrected her. She knew her baby sister. She might be willing to let Harry run the show, but she had her own ideas about some things. “She’s giving me a chance to watch her choose.”

“Then this is an opportunity to do things differently with her,” the therapist suggested.

“I’ll try.” But Victoria didn’t sound convinced.

Gracie arrived on Friday morning while Victoria was still at school, and she rushed back to the apartment to meet her as soon as she could. She had left the key under the mat outside the apartment, and Gracie was inside, waiting for her, walking at a brisk pace on the treadmill.

“This thing is pretty good,” she said as she grinned at her sister. She looked like an elf or a child on the big machine.

“It should be,” Victoria answered. “It cost us a fortune.”

“You should try it sometime,” Gracie said as she hopped off.

“I have been,” Victoria said, proud of the weight she’d lost so far, and disappointed that Gracie didn’t notice. Her head was totally into the wedding, as she hugged her older sister. She wanted to go downtown right away and start shopping. She had a list of stores she wanted to get to. Victoria had been at school all day and felt like a mess. She’d had to get there early for a department meeting. But she got ready in five minutes, and they left to go downtown. It was hard not to be distracted by the giant rock on her finger. “Aren’t you afraid you might get hit on the head wearing that thing?” She still worried about her. She would always be her baby sister, no different than the day she’d walked her into first grade.

“No one thinks it’s real,” Gracie said nonchalantly as they got out of the cab at Bergdorf’s.

They went upstairs to the wedding department and started looking at gowns. They had a dozen of them hanging on racks and spread out around them as Gracie looked around and shook her head. None of them looked right to her, although Victoria thought they were gorgeous. Gracie shifted gears then and asked to see bridesmaids’ dresses. She had a list of designers and colors that she wanted to check out. And they brought everything they had to her. It was going to be a formal evening wedding. Harry was going to wear white tie, and the groomsmen black tie. And so far she was thinking of peach, pale blue, or champagne for the bridesmaids, all of them colors that Victoria could wear. She was so fair and had such pale skin that there were some colors she just couldn’t get away with, like red, for instance, but Gracie assured her that she would never put her bridesmaids in red. She looked like a little general marshaling her troops as the saleswomen brought her things. Gracie was in full control, and planning what appeared to be a major national event, like a rock concert or a world’s fair or a presidential campaign. This was her finest hour, and she was going to be the star of the show. Victoria couldn’t help wondering how her mother was dealing with it. It was a little overwhelming at close range, and their father was sparing no expense. He wanted the Wilkeses to be impressed, and his favorite daughter to be proud. In the heat of her intense concentration on what she was doing, Gracie still hadn’t noticed the weight Victoria had lost, which hurt her feelings, but she didn’t want to be childish about it, and she paid attention to the gowns that Gracie was picking out. She had three maybes in mind when they left. And there were going to be ten bridesmaids. It occurred to Victoria, when Gracie told her, that if she had been getting married, she didn’t even have ten friends. She would have had Gracie as her only attendant, and that was it. But Gracie had always been a golden child. And now she was the star, and loving every minute of it. She was becoming more like their parents than Victoria wanted to admit. She came from a family of stars, and Victoria felt like a meteor that had fallen to earth in a heap of ash.

They went to Barneys after that, and finally wound up at Saks. And for the following day Gracie had made an appointment with Vera Wang herself. She also wanted to see Oscar de la Renta, but hadn’t had time to set it up. Victoria was beginning to realize just how big an event it was. And the Wilkeses were giving a black-tie rehearsal dinner that was going to be bigger and more elaborate than most weddings. So it was going to be a double header in terms of the dresses that they’d need. Gracie said that their mother had already decided to wear beige to the wedding, and emerald green to the rehearsal dinner the night before. She was all set. She had gone to Neiman Marcus, and the personal shopper had found the perfect dresses for her for both events. So Gracie could concentrate on herself.

She didn’t like the bridal gowns at Saks either, and made it clear that she was looking for something extraordinary for her wedding. Gracie, the baby sister, had come into her own. Suddenly nothing was special enough for her. Victoria was a little shocked at how determined she was. And Gracie wasn’t excited about the bridesmaids’ dresses she saw either, and then she gave a gasp when she saw a gown.

“Oh my God,” she said with a look of amazement, as though she’d found the holy grail. “That’s it! I’d never have thought of that color!” It was without question a spectacular gown, although Victoria couldn’t picture it at a wedding, particularly multiplied by ten. Brown was the color of the season going into the fall. It was softer than black, the saleswoman explained to them, and very “warm.” The dress that had caught Gracie’s attention was a heavy satin strapless gown, with tiny tucks close to the body to just below the hipline, and then it widened into a bell-shaped evening gown to the floor. The workmanship on it was exquisite, and it was a deep chocolate brown. The only trouble with it, from Victoria’s perspective, was that only a tiny, wraithlike flat-chested woman could wear it. The place where it stopped hugging the body and flared at the hips would make Victoria’s bottom look like the broad side of a barn. It was a dress that only a girl with Gracie’s proportions could wear well, and most of her friends looked like her. The sample she was looking at would have been too big for her and was a size four. Victoria didn’t want to imagine what it would look like on her even if she lost weight.

“Everyone’s going to love it,” Gracie exclaimed with a delirious expression. “They can wear it afterward to any black-tie event.” The dress was expensive, but it wasn’t a problem for most of her bridesmaids, and her father had promised to cover the difference if she found a dress that some of her bridesmaids couldn’t afford. The price wasn’t the issue for Victoria, since her father was paying for it. The problem was that the dress would look hideous on her. Her breasts and hips were just too large for the style. And to add to her misery as she looked at it, it was the color of bittersweet chocolate, which Victoria just couldn’t wear with her fair skin, blue eyes, and pale blond hair.

“I can’t wear that dress,” she said reasonably to her sister. “I’ll look like a mountain of chocolate mousse, with either spelling. Even if I lost fifty pounds. Or maybe a hundred. My chest is too big. And I can’t wear that color.” Her sister looked at her with imploring eyes.

“It’s exactly what I wanted. I just didn’t know it. It’s a gorgeous gown.”

“Yes, it is,” Victoria readily agreed with her, “but for someone your size. If you wear that, and I wear the wedding gown, it’ll be perfect. That dress will be frightening on me. I’m sure it doesn’t even come in my size.”

“You can order it in any size,” the saleswoman said helpfully. It was an expensive dress, and would have made a handsome sale.

“Can we get ten of them by June?” Gracie asked with a look of panic, totally ignoring her sister’s pleas for mercy.

“I’m sure we can. We can probably have them for you by December, if you get me all the sizes.” Gracie looked relieved and Victoria near tears.

“Gracie, you can’t do that to me. I’ll look horrible in that dress.”

“No, you won’t. You said you want to lose weight anyway.”

“I still couldn’t wear it. I wear a double-D bra. You have to be built like you to wear that dress.” Gracie looked up at her with tears in her eyes, with the same look that had melted her older sister’s heart since she was five.

“I’m only getting married once,” she said imploringly. “I want everything to be perfect for Harry. I want this to be my dream wedding. Everyone has pink and blue and pastel colors. No one ever even thinks of brown for the bridesmaids. It’ll be the most elegant wedding L.A. has ever seen.”

“With a maid of honor who looks like an elephant.”

“You’ll lose weight by then, I know it. You always do when you try.”

“That’s not the point. I’d have to have surgery to pull this one off.” And the tiny tucks of fabric all the way down the long-waisted bodice would only make it worse. Gracie was already planning to have the bridesmaids carry brown orchids to go with the dress. Nothing was going to dissuade her from it, and she placed the order while Victoria stood by wanting to cry. Her sister had just ensured that she would look like a monster at the wedding, while all her tiny anorexic friends would look stylish in the brown strapless gowns. There was no question that the dress was beautiful, but not on Victoria. She gave up trying to dissuade her, and sat silently while Gracie gave the saleswoman the sizes for most of the gowns. They were almost all size fours, except for three size twos. She was going to confirm the rest of the sizes when she got home. She had a look of elation on her face when they left the store. She was almost dancing she was so excited, and Victoria sat in silence in the cab all the way uptown. They stopped at the deli on the way back to the apartment, and without thinking, Victoria put three pints of Häagen-Dazs on the counter. Gracie didn’t even notice. She was used to Victoria buying ice cream. She had no idea that Victoria hadn’t had any in four months. This was like a recovering alcoholic sidling up to the bar and ordering a vodka on the rocks.

They went back to the apartment, and Gracie called their mother while Victoria unpacked the groceries, just as Harlan walked in. He took one look at the ice cream, pointed at it as though it were on fire, and stared at Victoria in horror and disbelief.

“What’s that?”

“She ordered strapless brown gowns for the bridesmaids that I can’t wear.”

“Then tell her you can’t wear it, and to order you something else,” he said, taking the ice cream from Victoria’s hand and dropping it in the trash. “Maybe the dress isn’t as bad as you think.”

“It’s gorgeous. Just not on me. I can’t even wear that color, let alone the shape.”

“Tell her,” he said firmly, sounding like her shrink.

“I did. She won’t listen to me. This is her dream wedding. She’s only planning to do it once, and it has to be perfect. For everyone but me.”

“She’s a nice kid. Explain it to her.”

“She’s a bride, on a mission. We must have looked at a hundred gowns today. This is going to be the event of the century.”

“It won’t help anything to blow the diet now,” he said, trying to encourage her. It had upset him to see her with the ice cream in her hand. She had been so good until then. And he didn’t want her to blow it now over a stupid gown.

Gracie was on the phone by then with all her friends, telling them about the fabulous dress she’d ordered for all of them, and Victoria had a sense of hopelessness as she sat down in the kitchen. She felt like an invisible person again. Gracie wasn’t hearing her. It was all about Gracie right now. It was hard to live with, and she was depressed about the dress. She didn’t know what to do about it. It was clear that Gracie wasn’t going to listen to her, no matter what.

They had dinner with John and Harlan in the kitchen that night, and Gracie told them all the details of the wedding. By the end of the meal, Victoria wanted to throw up.

“Maybe I’m just jealous,” she said to Harlan in a whisper after Gracie left the room to call Harry before she went to bed.

“I don’t think you are. It’s a little much. She’s like a kid out of control. Your father is creating a monster, letting her do whatever she wants with the wedding.”

“He thinks it makes him look important,” Victoria said, still looking depressed. It was the first time in her life that she hadn’t enjoyed Gracie’s company. So far, the weekend was a catastrophe.

And the next day wasn’t much better. Victoria went with her for her appointment with Vera Wang. They looked at a dozen wedding dress possibilities, and finally the designer offered to send her sketches based on what Gracie had said. She was thrilled.

It was afternoon by then, and they went to Serendipity for lunch. Gracie ordered a salad, and Victoria ordered the cheese ravioli, and a frozen mochaccino topped with whipped cream, and ate it all. Gracie saw nothing unusual in what her sister had ordered, because she was used to Victoria eating things like that. And blowing her diet depressed Victoria even more. By the time they got back to the apartment, she was exhausted, depressed, and felt as if she were about to explode. She hadn’t eaten anything like that in months, and Harlan could see the guilt on her face.

“What did you do today?”

“I met Vera Wang,” she said vaguely.

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it. What did you eat for lunch?”

“You don’t want to know. I shot my diet all to hell,” she said, looking guilty.

“It’s not worth it, Victoria,” he reminded her. “You’ve worked too hard for this for the past four months. Don’t fuck it up.”

“The wedding is making me nervous. I’m suicidal over the dress I have to wear. And my sister is turning into someone I don’t know. She shouldn’t even be marrying the guy, or anyone, at her age. And he’s going to run her life just like my father does. She’s marrying our father,” she said miserably.

“Let her, if that’s what she wants. She’s old enough to make her own choice, even if it’s a mistake. You can’t screw up your life on top of it. That’s not going to change anything, except make you miserable. Just forget about the wedding. Wear whatever you have to, get drunk at the wedding, and come home.” She laughed at what he said.

“Maybe you have a point. And besides, it’s eight months away. Even if the dress is wrong for me I could still lose a lot of weight by then and look good.”

“Not if you blow your diet.”

“I won’t. I’ll be good tonight. We’re staying home. And she’s going back to L.A. tomorrow. I’ll be back on the wagon as soon as she leaves.”

“No. Now,” he reminded her, and went to his own room. Victoria got on the treadmill then, to atone for her sins. And Gracie ordered a pizza from the restaurant whose card was on the fridge. It arrived half an hour later, and was more than Victoria could resist. Gracie ate one piece. And her older sister finished the rest. She wanted to eat the box so Harlan wouldn’t see it, but he did. He looked at her as though she had killed someone. And she had. Herself. She was consumed with guilt.

And they went out for lunch the next day before Gracie left. To thank her for her help, Gracie took her to the Carlyle for brunch, and Victoria had eggs Benedict, and when Gracie ordered hot chocolate and little cookies, she couldn’t resist them.

Gracie thanked her profusely when she left for the airport, and they hugged each other tight. She said she had had a terrific time, and would keep her posted on the designs from Vera Wang and everything else. Victoria stood on the sidewalk waving to her as the cab pulled away, and as soon as it was out of sight, Victoria burst into tears. From her perspective, the weekend had been an utter and complete disaster, and she felt like a total failure at everything. And on top of it, she was going to look awful at the wedding. She went upstairs, let herself into the apartment, and went to bed, wishing she were dead.