Big Girl

Chapter 21

Victoria spent a quiet Christmas with Harlan and John at the apartment, and although she missed Gracie, she was happy not to have to travel during the holidays, or deal with her family’s hysteria over the wedding. It was still six months away, and everyone was already nuts, particularly her parents. It was the first time she hadn’t gone home, and it felt strange, but peaceful.

She, Harlan, and John exchanged presents on Christmas Eve, as she did with her family usually, and they went to midnight mass afterward. The traditions hadn’t changed, just the people and the venues. It was a beautiful mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, and although none of them was particularly religious, they found it very moving, and they came home and had tea in the kitchen and went to bed. And she talked to Gracie several times the next day. She was shuttling back and forth between their parents’ and the Wilkeses’. And Harry had given her diamond earrings for Christmas, which she told Victoria were gorgeous.

On Christmas night, Victoria was extremely nervous about what was going to happen the next day. They had given her pre-op instructions. She couldn’t eat or drink after midnight, couldn’t take aspirin. She had never had surgery before and didn’t know what to expect, other than a nose that she loved at the end of it, or at least not one that she hated as much as she had her present one all her life. She couldn’t wait for the change. She knew it wouldn’t transform her and suddenly make her beautiful, but she knew she would feel different, and that a major irritant that had embarrassed her for years would be altered. She kept looking in the mirror and couldn’t wait for it to be altered. She already felt different. She was shedding the things that had made her unhappy, or trying to, and she was proud of herself for not going home for Christmas, as she had every year. Thanksgiving had just been too awful. And the Christmas she spent in New York was easy and warm at least, with her roommates.

It was sad, but her parents were just too hard for her to be around. Their overt, covert, and subliminal message was always the same: “We don’t love you.” For years she had tried to turn that around, and she couldn’t. Now she no longer wanted to try. It was her first step toward health. And the rhinoplasty was another. It had deep psychological meaning for her. She wasn’t condemned to be ugly and ridiculed by them forever. She was taking control of her life.

Victoria got up early and walked around the apartment nervously before she left. The tree was sitting in a corner of the apartment, and she wondered how she’d feel when she got home. Not too bad, she hoped. She hoped she wouldn’t be in terrible pain or feel sick. And she was scared to death when she took a cab to the hospital at six A.M. Had it been for anything else, she might have backed out and canceled. She was terrified when she walked through the double doors into the same day surgery unit. And from then on it was like being sucked into a well-oiled machine. People greeted her, had her sign papers, and put a plastic ID bracelet on her wrist. They drew blood, took her blood pressure, and listened to her heart. The anesthesiologist came to talk to her, and reassured her that she would feel nothing and be asleep. They wanted to know about any allergies she had, which she didn’t. They weighed her, put her in a surgical gown, and had her put on elastic stockings to avoid blood clots, which seemed odd to her, since they were operating on her nose, not her knees or her feet, and the stockings felt funny and went from her toes to the top of her thighs. And she hated the weigh-in, because on their scale she had gained three pounds, even if she insisted on taking off her shoes to be weighed. The war for her weight was not won yet.

Nurses and technicians came and went, someone put an IV in her arm, and before she knew what had happened, she was on the operating table, and her surgeon was smiling at her and patting her hand, while the anesthesiologist talked to her, and seconds later she was asleep. Nothing happened after that, and she woke up feeling incredibly groggy while someone far, far away kept saying her name over and over again.

“Victoria… Victoria… Victoria?… Victoria…” She wanted them to be quiet and let her sleep.

“Hmm… what…” They kept waking her up as she tried to go back to sleep.

“Your surgery is over, Victoria,” a voice said. She fell asleep again, and then someone put a straw in her mouth and offered her a drink. She took a sip, and slowly she began to wake up. She could feel tape on her face, and it felt strange, but she wasn’t in pain. They gave her oral pain-killers after she woke. She spent the day in and out of sleep. And they made sure she was warm enough. They finally told her that she had to wake up if she wanted to go home. They cranked up the bed and made her sit up, while she nodded off again. And then they gave her Jell-O, and she looked up and saw Harlan standing next to her bed. John had a cold, so he didn’t come.

“Hi… what are you doing here?” She looked at him in surprise and felt drunk. “Oh yeah… that’s right. I’m going home… I’m kind of out of it,” she said apologetically, and he grinned.

“I’ll say. I don’t know what they’re giving you, but I want some.” She laughed and felt a sharp twinge in her face when she did. He didn’t tell her that the bandages on her face looked like a hockey mask. They’d been putting ice packs on her face all day. And a nurse came in to help her dress while Harlan waited outside. She was in a wheelchair still looking sleepy when he saw her again.

“How do I look? Is my nose pretty?” she asked him groggily.

“You look gorgeous,” Harlan said, exchanging a smile with the nurse. She was used to groggy patients. Victoria was wearing sweatpants and a top that opened down the front, which they had told her to do, so she didn’t pull it over her head. The nurse had put Victoria’s shoes and socks on, after taking the elastic stockings off, and her hair was disheveled and pulled back in an elastic band. And they had given her pills to take with her in case she was in pain when she got home. Harlan left her in the lobby with the nurse while he went to get a cab and was back in less than a minute. Victoria was shocked to see that it was dark outside. It was six o’clock, and she had been there for twelve hours. The nurse rolled the wheelchair right out to the cab, and Harlan helped Victoria in, settled her on the seat, and thanked the nurse. He hoped Victoria hadn’t heard her warn him that she was a big girl, so he didn’t try to lift her. He knew how she hated that expression. It was one of the painful mantras of her childhood. She didn’t want to be a “big girl,” just a kid then, and a woman now.

“What did she say?” Victoria frowned as she looked at him.

“She said you look like you’ve been on a two-week drunk, and she wishes she had your legs.”

“Yeah,” Victoria nodded seriously, “everyone says that… they want my legs… great legs… fat ass though.” The driver smiled in the rearview mirror when he heard her, and Harlan gave him their address. It was a short drive home, and Victoria dozed with her chin on her chest, and once she snored. It was not a romantic vision, but Harlan loved her. She had become his best friend. He woke her when they got there.

“Okay, sleeping beauty. We’re back at the castle. Get your gorgeous ass out of the cab.” He wished he had the wheelchair at the house, but she didn’t need it. She was a little disoriented and woozy, but he got her in the elevator and into the apartment in minutes, and led her to the couch, so she could sit down while he took off his coat and her own. John came out of their bedroom in a bathrobe, and smiled when he saw her. She looked like an alien in the bandage that covered most of her face, with two holes for her eyes and a splint to protect her nose. She was quite a sight, but he made no comment about it to Victoria and hoped she wouldn’t look in the mirror. There had been cotton packing in her nose all day, but very little bleeding. And the nurse had removed it before she left.

“Where do you want to be?” Harlan asked her gently. “On the couch or in bed?” She thought about it for a long moment.

“Bed… I’m sleepy…”

“Are you hungry?”

“No, thirsty…,” she said, running her tongue over her lips. The nurse had given her Vaseline to put on them. “And cold,” she added. They had put warm blankets on her at the hospital all day, and she wished she had one now.

Harlan brought her a glass of apple juice with a straw, as they had told him to do. Victoria had several pages of post-op instructions for the coming days. And a few minutes later he led her to her room, helped her undress and put her pajamas on, and five minutes later she was sound asleep propped up on pillows in bed to elevate her head, and Harlan was back in the living room with John.

“Wow, she looks like a train wreck,” John whispered to Harlan, and he nodded.

“They told her to expect a lot of bruising and swelling. She’s going to have two big shiners tomorrow. But she’s happy, or she will be. She wanted a new nose, and she got one. It may not look like a big deal to us, but I think it’s a big deal to her psychologically, so why not?” John agreed. They spent a quiet evening on the couch, watching two movies, and every so often Harlan would go in and check on Victoria. She was sound asleep and purring softly. And somewhere under the bandages she had the new nose she wanted. Santa Claus had brought it to her the day after Christmas. It was a gift she had wanted all her life.

The next day Victoria woke up feeling like she’d been in a rodeo all year. She ached, she was tired, she felt as though she had been drugged. There was a dull ache in her nose. She decided to have breakfast and take a pain pill, but she wanted to eat something first so it didn’t make her sick. By sheer habit, she opened the freezer and was staring at the ice cream when Harlan walked in.

“I don’t think so,” the voice of her conscience said right behind her when he saw what she was looking at. “You have a fabulous new nose. Let’s not go crazy with the ice cream, shall we?” He closed the freezer door, opened the fridge, and handed her the apple juice. “How do you feel?”

“So-so, but not too bad. Kind of woozy. I’m a little sore. I’m just going to sleep today, and take the pain medicine.” She wanted to stay on top of it so it didn’t get too bad. The swelling had gotten worse, which they had warned her would happen for the first few days.

“Good idea,” he said. He made some whole wheat toast, covered it with a low-fat synthetic dairy spread, and handed it to her. “Do you want eggs?” She shook her head. She didn’t want to lose track of her diet in the coming days, especially while she couldn’t exercise.

“Thanks for taking care of me yesterday,” she said, trying to smile, but there was tape on her face and it felt odd. She felt like the man in the iron mask, and she couldn’t wait to get the bandages off in a week. They were annoying, and she was afraid to look in the mirror. She had made a point of not doing so in her bedroom, or when she went to the bathroom. She didn’t want to scare herself and knew she might, and you couldn’t see her nose anyway. It was all covered up under the bandages and splint.

Victoria slept for the next two days and hung around the house after that. It was a quiet time, she had no plans, and she had done the surgery over the holidays so she could take it easy. Harlan brought her movies, and she watched TV a lot, although she had a headache for the first few days. She talked to Helen, but she didn’t want to see anyone except John and Harlan. She didn’t feel up to it and was afraid she looked too scary. And by New Year’s Eve she was feeling pretty good and didn’t need the pain pills. Harlan and John had gone skiing in Vermont by then, and she spent the evening alone watching TV and loving the idea that she had a new nose, even if she hadn’t seen it yet. Gracie called her from Mexico that night. She was at the Palmilla Hotel in Cabo with Harry and some of his friends, and she said it was fabulous. As his fiancée and soon-to-be wife, she had a golden life now. Victoria didn’t envy her, though, because she wouldn’t have wanted to be there with him, but Gracie sounded ecstatic.

“So how’s the new nose?” Gracie asked her. She had called several times that week, and sent Victoria flowers, which was very sweet. Victoria had been touched by the gesture. Their parents knew nothing of the surgery, and Victoria didn’t want them to. She was sure they would disapprove and make rude comments about it. Gracie had agreed to keep it secret.

“I haven’t seen it yet,” Victoria admitted. “They’re taking the bandages off next week. Supposedly, except for the bruising and some swelling, it should look pretty good. They said I’d be back to normal, relatively, within a week or two, except that I’ll still be tired. But I can cover the bruising with makeup.” They had told her that she would only have a Band-Aid on her nose after that, but all the bandages and stitches would be gone within a week or two. “Are you having fun?” She suddenly missed her baby sister terribly.

“It’s fantastic here. We have an incredible suite,” Gracie said, sounding happy.

“You’re going to be one spoiled brat as Mrs. Wilkes,” Victoria teased her, but she didn’t begrudge it to her. She liked her own life better in some ways, and her job. At least no one was telling her what to think, do, and say. She couldn’t have stood it. Gracie didn’t seem to care, as long as she had Harry. It was the same pact with the devil that their mother had made, and Victoria felt sorry for them both.

“I know,” Gracie tittered in answer to the remark about being spoiled. “I love it. Well, let me know how the nose looks.”

“I’ll call you immediately when I see it.”

“Your old one was fine,” Gracie said again. It wasn’t hideous, just round.

“My new one will be better!” Victoria said, happy about it again. “Have fun in Cabo. I love you… and Happy New Year!”

“You too. I hope it will be a good year for you too, Victoria.” Victoria knew she meant it, and wished the same for her. They hung up, and Victoria settled back to watch another movie from the couch. And at midnight she was sound asleep. It had been a quiet New Year’s Eve for her, and she didn’t mind at all.