Brimstone Blues

Chapter Twenty-Four

The evening after their return from London, Taz went downstairs. She carried the box containing the locket. It was a small sterling-silver vial, covered with hearts and filigree. If someone didn’t know what it was for, they’d never suspect.

Everyone else was asleep.

“Except me, Taz baby.”

“Shut up, you.”

Now that she knew Rafe was there, she held plenty of silent conversations with him. At least she wasn’t crazy. Holding a strong barrier in her mind against Matthias and the others exhausted her, but she was getting better at it.

“What are you doing, Taz?” Rafe tried his best HAL 9000 voice. He’d been a movie buff, like her, loving among others such sci-fi classics like 2001: A Space Odyssey.

“You know what I’m doing.”

She picked up the urn from its place on the mantle and carried it into the kitchen.

“Don’t sneeze,” Rafe joked.

“Would you please stop?”

“Hey, I don’t want you getting all sad enough to die on me again. You’re living for two, you know.”

She ignored the comment, set the urn on the table, and figured out how to open the vial. It had a threaded cap, and in one of the kitchen drawers she located glue to secure it once it was together. It would be waterproof.

She carefully filled the vial using the tiny provided scooper. Rafael remained silent during the procedure. When she finished she dabbed a drop of glue on the threads and sealed it, hanging it around her neck.

“Feel better?” he asked her.

“Not really. It’s something.”

She replaced the lid on the urn, threw away the scooper and the box the locket came in, and returned the urn to the mantle with a gentle caress.

“Hoo, baby. Do that again.”

“You watch it, I’ll do something to you.”

“Promises, promises, you freaking tease. Come here and show me, baby girl.”

She felt the pendant gently swaying in time with her steps, bumping against her skin.

“You wanted in my pants. At least this way, you’ve always got your face between my boobs.”

His laughter sounded nearly deafening inside her head, and she smiled.

There were worse spirits to have inhabiting her skull.

At least Rafe wasn’t totally dead.

And, at least, she’d finally found the will and reason to keep living.

A few days later, Matthias broached the subject. He wasn’t an idiot, either guessed or researched what the pendant was but didn’t mention it. “Do you have any thoughts as to what you’d like to do with his ashes?” he asked.

Taz fixed him with her eyes, not to control but to convey the force of her message. “They are staying right where they are. He didn’t leave any instructions.”

Matthias eventually nodded. “Okay.”

She softened her gaze. “You don’t mind?”

He shook his head. “If it’s what you want, it’s what we’ll do.”

She felt bad about her dictatorial style, but she was still adjusting to the news, still coping. Technically she could ask Rafe what he wanted, but she wasn’t ready to turn him loose yet and he wasn’t volunteering any ideas.

Not to mention she couldn’t admit any of that to Matthias.

His assistant looked a little green. “Do you need me right now, sir?”

Gerard smiled. “Don’t have the stomach for it, do you?”

He shook his head. “Honestly? Not really. I’m sorry.”

Gerard nodded. “At least you’re honest. I can appreciate that. I’d rather you have the balls to be honest to my face than act like a fucking weasel. That’s one of the reasons I trust you. I know you’re not afraid to tell me the truth. Go on. Get out of here.”

The assistant hurried out the door while Gerard looked at the head on his desk. Yet another one who’d failed him. He made examples, he didn’t screw around with pep talks. Fear was a great motivator in his line of work, and the only way to keep some of these people in line. Besides, it showed them they were working for what would eventually be the winning team.

And what price would be paid by the losers.

As Taz spent more time talking with Rafe, she pulled farther away from Matthias. It was one of those paradoxes that the longer she let the situation continue the stronger she felt, but the harder it was to confess. How did you explain something like this?

She could only imagine how that conversation would start. Hey, Matthias, wait’ll you hear this! This is a hoot. I know you thought Rafe was dead, but he’s not, he’s stuck inside my brain!

Yeah, right.

Despite her promises to spend some time at home after their return from London, Taz escaped to the office every chance she got. Her drive was uninterrupted time she could spend with Rafe without fear of discovery. There was also the matter of falling into Rafe’s mental arms every chance she got, fueling her guilt and descent into an inescapable cycle. She felt bad, she went to talk to Rafe, which invariably led to other things. Leaving her feeling guilty and unable to get closer to Matthias, leading her to go talk to Rafe…

Did she really want to get free?

This went on for nearly two weeks after their return from London. One afternoon at work, Taz stared at her computer without seeing the words on the screen. Eventually she gave up trying. She knew Matthias was in his office, and she wanted to get out of there without him noticing, if possible.

She packed her things.

“When’s my funeral?” Rafe asked. He’d been quiet most of the day.

“I don’t know. I haven’t planned it yet.” She didn’t want to do it, but didn’t want anyone else doing it, either.

It was hard to ignore him. “It needs to happen.”

“I know.”

“You always say that when you don’t want to deal.”

“I don’t want to do it right now, okay?”

“It has to be done. Keep my ashes if you want, but have a service. People need closure.”

Taz fought her tears. Rafe went quiet for a moment. She finished gathering her things and cautiously glanced down the hall to Matthias’ closed door. Lamplight peeked out from around the closed blinds. He would, inevitably, hear the elevator if she called it. As soon as it opened, he would emerge from his office, meaning a long, torturous ride alone with him down to the parking garage.

But the stairwell door was quiet.

Taz carefully opened the door and walked down one flight, where she caught the elevator. She didn’t bother calling the valet booth for her car in case they’d notify Matthias. She started the GT and backed out, making the turn to the exit. As she did she glanced in the rearview mirror and saw Matthias emerge from the elevator, looking around.

She breathed a sigh of relief and sped through the post–rush hour traffic to the Crosstown, wanting to get to I-75.

“Why are you running from him, Taz?”

“Because what the hell am I supposed to say? ‘Hey honey, I know you thought Rafe was dead, but I make love to him in my head. How’s that for shits and giggles?’”

Rafael was quiet for several minutes. “Taz, let me plan the funeral.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let me do it. It’s perfect. How many people get to posthumously plan their own funeral?”

“And how are you supposed to do that?”

“Just let me do it.”

She understood what he was asking. Let him take control.

It was very tempting to sit back and let him do that. She wouldn’t have to think, plan.

Grieve.

“Okay.”

It was an odd duality. Rafe let her work, she let him plan. They alternated control, and she brought his laptop to the office so he could access his phone and e-mail lists. Rafael was in control one afternoon after lunch when Matthias appeared in her office doorway. She didn’t have time to step forward and take control without Matthias noticing, and hoped Rafe’s mental barrier was enough to keep Matthias out.

“How are you?” Matthias asked.

Rafe nodded. “I’m good. I’ll let you know when the plans are ready. We’ll do it weekend after next, Saturday. I’ve got the place lined up.”

“Easy, Rafe. You’re talking too fast. I don’t talk that fast.”

Rafael swallowed. Now he knew how Taz felt. “I think he’d like this.”

Matthias sat in one of the chairs in front of her desk and Taz considered putting up an extra barrier until she realized Matthias wasn’t probing him—her.

Them.

“Are you all right, Taz?”

Rafael nodded. “Peachy.”

“Too much snark, Rafe.”

“I’m fine,” he quickly added. He still wasn’t used to a woman’s voice coming out of his mouth. Her mouth. In his mind, his voice still sounded like him.

“Taz,” Matthias said, “I’m worried about you.”

Rafael refused to meet Matthias’ gaze, afraid his cousin would see the truth. If Taz wanted this secret kept, he would help her. “I’m fine. Just dealing.”

“I’m worried about us.”

Rafael closed his eyes and resisted the urge to pull back and let Taz step forward. Matthias was too close and too powerful. There was no way he couldn’t notice the shift. “There’s nothing to worry about, Matts–thias.” Dammit! That slipped. Taz never called him anything but Matthias. Or big guy.

Matthias’ eyes narrowed for a moment. “Taz, I’m concerned. I’ll be honest, I don’t think this is healthy for you to have this obsession.”

“What obsession? I’m planning a funeral. I thought you’d be happy you didn’t have to do it. You’re welcome, by the way.”

Matthias stood, to Rafael and Taz’s immense relief. “I do appreciate it.” He walked out and Rafael pulled back immediately and let Taz take charge. She fought her tears and rushed to close and lock her office door. She needed time to regain her composure.

“That was too close, Rafe,” she whispered, leaning against the door.

“I know, baby girl. I’m sorry.”

Rafe told Taz what to pack after an hour of making her try on outfits in the mirror for him one afternoon when Matthias wasn’t home. Tight black jeans, a purple tank top he loved on her—topped by one of the shirts she’d taken from his closet.

“It’s not very funereal, Rafe.”

“I don’t care. I like it on you.” She would wear it. After all, it was his funeral.

She closed her eyes, and he met her in their mental room, putting his arms around her and kissing the back of her neck, melting her.

“You look beautiful, baby,” he whispered, kissing her again, and she pressed against him, pulling his arms tighter around her.

In the bedroom she stood in front of the mirror, hugging herself, eyes closed.

In her mind, Rafael turned her to face him. “You don’t know what you do to me, Taz. You’re amazing.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck. “Then why don’t you show me.”

An hour later she was asleep on the bed, and in her mind Rafael lay next to her, propped up on one elbow, looking down at her. This was wrong, so wrong on so many levels. She was Matthias’ fiancée. He had no right to do this to her, or to Matthias. But dammit, he loved her, and she loved him, even if she couldn’t really have him. She wasn’t Catydid anymore, no. By all rights he should leave and let her have her life with Matthias.

But he wanted her. Even though he really couldn’t have her, he wanted her.

The morning they left for Atlanta for the funeral, Taz drove the GT. Correction, Rafael drove. Taz pulled back after getting into the car, letting Rafael take control. He stroked the steering wheel and smiled. “I love this car, Taz baby. You have no idea how glad I am you have it.”

“It’s a sweet ride.”

“You betcha, baby girl.” She’d worn sneakers for him. He didn’t care if it was her body, he couldn’t drive in heels. Could barely walk in the damn things. She—he—would change to dress flats before the funeral.

Matthias drove his 1968 Mustang, Tobias riding shotgun. Albert and Tim brought up the rear of their little convoy. They quit trying to keep up with Taz after five minutes, not knowing it was Rafael’s lead foot on the accelerator. It took them an hour longer to reach the hotel in Atlanta. Rafael was already checked in, and a good thing, too. When asked his name, he stumbled.

“Rafael Collins.”

The clerk looked up, startled. Rafael tried what he hoped was an apologetic smile. “Ah, ha ha. Um. Sorry, Anastazia Proctor. I’m here for Rafael Collins’ funeral.”

The clerk nodded and Rafael had to suffer Taz’s laughter in his head.

“Now you know what I go through, mister.”

“Shut up, baby girl.”

Taz sat back and watched the funeral on a TV screen inside of Rafael’s room. She never imagined so many people would be there.

“I know a lot of people,” he said. “Lived a lot of years.”

“So many women.”

He’d let her into his mind, but not everywhere. Fair was fair, after all. Taz understood why these women fondly remembered rakish Rafael. He’d used his vampire voodoo to make them want to break up with him. As far as they remembered, they’d all parted friends with him.

“That’s very…weird of you.”

“Hey, I didn’t want to hurt anyone. If I thought someone was falling in love with me, I backed off and made them want to dump me for whatever reason. I didn’t want anyone pining over me.”

“Looks like they miss you anyway.”

The pictures were a hit. Groups of people looking over them and lots of laughter. Taz was surprised by the video. Rafe must have done that when she was asleep. Set to several Jimmy Buffett songs, it was a montage of photos that sent most of the audience into rolling laughter, punctuated by tearful smiles.

Matthias knew many of the guests and found himself pulled in too many directions to stay with Taz. He asked Tobias to keep an eye on her because Tim and Albert were busy with the many Clan and Tribunal members who’d arrived.

Matthias didn’t have time to wonder how Taz knew to get in touch with all these people.

Tobias shadowed her for the better part of an hour. Taz seemingly knew everyone, talking to them, introducing herself as if they had simply forgotten her. Everyone welcomed her.

One distraught-looking young woman walked in alone. Taz homed in on her like a missile. Tobias stayed within listening range.

“Katie!” Taz said, taking the woman’s hand.

“Yes?”

Taz smiled. “Taz Proctor. I’m Rafe’s cousin. I’m so glad you could make it.” The woman was obviously upset by news of Rafael’s passing, and Taz seemed to know just what to say to make her feel better. Even knowing stories about Rafe to bring smiles to their faces.

But how could she know?

Tobias didn’t dare risk a probe. He knew how strong she was, she would sense it immediately. He also knew beyond any doubt it wasn’t a daemon pulverem.

How did Taz know all these things?

Taz gave the eulogy, without notes. Far from the somber talk he expected, knowing what he did of her brief history with Rafael, it was an outrageous, side-splitting salute to the man they all knew and loved. Even her voice sounded different. Tobias risked a look at Matthias, now encased in his own grief without the responsibility of hosting this event. When Matthias finally stood to speak, Taz stood nearby. As Matthias gave his own tearful eulogy, Taz looked over the audience, apparently picking out faces from the crowd.

Was it Taz?

Tobias watched Tim and Albert and his brother, Patrick. They were dabbing at their eyes with handkerchiefs. No help there. Tobias knew he should be paying attention to the service, but there was something going on.

Taz’s eyes locked on his from her place behind Matthias.

Then she winked.

Rafael’s wink.

People gathered outside around the cars, and laughter rolled through the crowd as stories were shared. Taz wore Rafael’s sunglasses against the late-afternoon glare, and the way she leaned on the car…

It couldn’t be. It wasn’t possible. She had spent hours with photos of him. It was natural she took on poses she saw. Right? A natural chameleon, perhaps?

Her laughter was Rafael’s. It was obvious Matthias didn’t notice. Tobias found him talking in soft tones to a group from the Eastern European Clan. His eyes and nose were red. The last thing on his mind was Taz.

When the gathering eventually broke up, Taz started to get into Rafe’s Mustang, and Tobias opened the passenger door. He noted her startled look.

Her?

“I’d like to ride with you, dear,” he said.

Taz eventually nodded. “Sure. No prob.”

He noticed she’d changed to sneakers from the flats she’d worn all day, how she casually slung her left arm over the steering wheel, smoothly shifting into reverse with barely a look behind. Every nuance Rafael’s.

“Are you all right, Taz?” he asked her.

She nodded. “Tired.”

He let her drive in silence for a few minutes. “Taz, can I talk to you?”

“What’s up?”

“Are you feeling okay? Really.”

He wished she wasn’t wearing the sunglasses. He’d love to see her eyes.

“I’m fine.”

“Nothing you’d like to talk about?”

“Nope.”

Tobias tried again a few minutes later. “Rafael,” he said sharply, as if addressing her.

Her head snapped toward him. “Rafael, what?” she said after a startled pause.

Tobias studied her face. Finally, “Rafael would have liked what you put together, I’m sure.”

Was that a sigh of relief?

She nodded. “Thanks, Uncle Toby.”

He didn’t correct her, and she didn’t appear to realize what she’d said.

But it was enough proof for him.

Rafael was the only one who ever called him that. The only one he ever allowed to call him that.

And he’d never told Taz that.

A few minutes later, Taz startled Rafe. “Dammit, he knows!”

Rafael almost forgot to answer silently. “What?”

“You called him Uncle Toby!”

“Shit.”

Rafe risked a glance at Tobias, who now stared out the passenger window. Dare he probe him?

Tobias turned. “Taz, dear, that was a very interesting eulogy you gave. As if you knew him.”

Rafe struggled for a safe answer. “I did know him.”

“For a day. How many people you must have talked with to gather that information. Very impressive. Matthias never told me the two of you talked so much about Rafe.”

“Do you have a point?”

Tobias shook his head. “No. No point. Why, do you think I do?”

“He’s baiting you, Rafe. The less you say, the better. He suspects.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I’m a fucking attorney, Rafe. Trust me, I know bait when I hear it!”

Rafael shook his head. “No, I think we’re all on edge. I’ve got a lot on my mind right now.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Pull over at that gas station, Rafe. Go to the bathroom. NOW!”

He pulled up to a pump. “I need to top it off. I’ll be right back.” He jumped out of the car and raced into the store, making a beeline for the men’s room.

“Women’s!”

“Shit.”

He veered to the women’s restroom and locked the door behind him. Taz came forward immediately, held onto the sink with shaky hands, and looked in the mirror. Rafael’s reflection stood beside her, also looking a little ill. “Sorry, Taz. I guess I hammed it up.”

“He’s the only one who suspects, I think. You can’t be like that around him. He’s suspicious.”

She composed herself and returned to the car, pumped gas, and got in without looking at Tobias.

He watched her walk from the store in the side mirror. Her stance and gait were totally different, all Taz. He had no proof, and if he confronted her, he suspected she’d deny it. Back at the hotel, he waited in the hotel lobby for Tim and Albert. Matthias was obviously too tired and emotionally wrought to talk. Matthias went straight to their room where, Tobias assumed, Taz was waiting for him.

Or was it Rafael?

“Did Taz seem a little out of it this afternoon?” he asked Tim.

Tim’s eyes still looked red. No help there. “I’m sure we’re all not at our best today, Tobias. Why? Are you worried about her?”

He shook his head. “No, not that. You know what? Never mind. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Matthias returned to their room and was lying on the bed when Taz emerged from the bathroom. She swallowed hard and sat next to him. “Are you okay?” She was still afraid to be close to him for too long, fearing he’d sense Rafe’s presence.

She reached out and touched his shoulder.

He took her hand and kissed it. “Thank you, Taz. It was a good service. I’m sure he would have approved.”

She hoped her smile looked right. Despite the stress, it was hard not to laugh. “Thank you.”

He gently pulled her to him, and she hoped he didn’t want to make love, but he didn’t. He wanted to take a nap, with her in his arms. That was fine with her. Later, they went downstairs to eat dinner in the hotel restaurant with the others. Taz tried not to look at Tobias, but she felt his eyes on her throughout the entire meal.

Rafe remained silent, not wanting to add to her discomfort, but she knew he was there, watching and listening.

The next morning, she awoke with Matthias and showered, dressed, packed.

“I want to get on the road,” she said. “I’ll meet you all for lunch.”

He hugged her. “Okay.” He kissed the top of her head and released her, much to her relief. It was tiring holding a strong barrier against him all the time they were together. She knew it was even harder on him, feeling it.

He wanted to carry her bags for her, but she gently refused. “It’s okay. I’ll see you in a few hours. I just…I need some time alone.”

“All right.”

She let Rafe take over as she walked through the lobby doors. He was loading Taz’s bags in the trunk when he felt a hand on his arm and jumped, startled.

“Let me help, Taz,” Tobias said. His blue eyes burned into his.

Rafael hesitated. “Thanks. I’ve got it.”

“I insist.” He took the bag from Rafael, who noticed Tobias carried his own bag. “I told Matthias I’d ride with you. I hope you don’t mind?”

Rafael swallowed and shook his head. “No. That’s fine.”

“Shit,” Taz said. “That’s all we need.”

Tobias watched Taz emerge from the elevator and walk across the lobby. At the doorway she’d hesitated, swaying slightly, and then her entire gait and demeanor changed.

Rafael. His walk, even how he carried the bags. It might be Taz’s body, but Tobias was convinced it was Rafael now in charge.

Whatever happened, it happened quickly. Tobias felt the shift in the air around her when it did. Would she dare shift back with him around?

They quickly reached I-75 and headed south. Taz, or was it Rafe, didn’t speak much. Answers to his questions were short and clipped, as if trying not to say too much. Her mental barrier was the thickest he’d ever sensed from any vampire. Whatever was going on, he would have to try finesse to find it out because brute force wasn’t an option no matter how strong he was.

After twenty minutes, she started to change lanes.

“What are we doing?” he asked.

“I’m going to top it off.”

He glanced at the console. “You filled it yesterday after the funeral. Surely we haven’t used that much gas yet?”

Taz swallowed uncomfortably. “Oh, yeah. I guess you’re right.”

“Shit. Just drive, Rafe. There’s nothing you can do right now. You’re going to make him more suspicious.”

“This is driving me crazy, baby girl. I feel like I’m about to crawl out of my skin.”

“Yeah, well suck it up, buddy. Now you know what I was going through before I figured out you were here.”

They noticed Tobias glanced at them occasionally, appraising. Taz wondered how much he suspected, or if he was worried if she was on the way to another breakdown. When Tobias spoke to Rafe, sometimes Taz had to give him a mental nudge to answer. Rafe was trying to keep his mouth shut and pay attention to the road.

After two hours, Taz couldn’t stand it. “Find a gas station so we can go to the bathroom. You’re doing to drive me crazy.”

“How do you not lose your mind feeling like this all the time?”

“Who says I didn’t lose my mind? Pull over at the next exit.”

They did, quickly going to the bathroom and making the switch. Rafe looked at her in the bathroom mirror. “I’m sorry I’m putting you through this.”

She closed her eyes and met him in his mental room, taking a few precious minutes to feel his arms around her. “Let’s just survive this trip and get home, okay?”

“Yeah.” He kissed her and gently swatted her behind. “Go on, before he thinks you fell down the drain.”

She used the bathroom and returned to the pump. Tobias was hanging up the gas nozzle. “You don’t mind, do you?”

She smiled. “No, I appreciate it, Tobias. Thank you.”

They returned to the car and she hoped Tobias didn’t notice when she adjusted the seat and mirrors a little. Despite sharing a body, Rafe liked the seat pushed back a little farther than she did.

He did notice. “What are you doing?”

She forced a smile. “You know, hours driving, need a little change in position, that’s all.”

He nodded, but his curious stare was inscrutable.

They stopped at the prearranged exit to wait for the others and had a long lunch before getting back on the road. When she asked him if he’d rather ride back with Matthias or the others, he smiled and said, “No, dear. I’m enjoying our time together.”

She looked a little sick to her stomach. “Great. Yeah, me, too.”

She was Taz again, no doubt. He tried to engage her in conversation and she only reluctantly replied. When they reached the house nearly an hour ahead of everyone else, she practically bolted up the stairs to their bedroom and closed the door behind her. There had been no other episodes during their ride.

Somehow, he would figure out what was going on.

When Matthias returned home, Taz was already asleep. He undressed and curled up with her. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. His mind raced, now, in the past.

To Rafe.

How could he begrudge what Taz had felt for Rafe? He couldn’t. Not when he knew his cousin had died loving her, and such irony it was. He’d mourned with Rafe when Cassandra died, barely able to shield his thoughts from Rafe.

His love.

And now their positions were reversed. Matthias had no doubts that if Rafe had met Taz first, she would have fallen for him, and hard. Just as he fell for Cassandra when Rafe introduced them.

Perhaps it was all the years, all the times they’d saved each other, their blood running through the other’s veins, that they had such similar tastes in women. The circle closed, only for good this time with Rafe’s death.

God, he missed Rafe. So many times he wanted to pick up the phone and call him, just to remember he was gone, wanting to bounce ideas off him, needing him for backup.

How would he go on without him?

And yet, it almost felt as if he was still around.

Taz had been right about that, without question. Matthias felt Rafael’s very essence, as if it permeated the air in the house. The funeral didn’t seem real, not really. She did such a good job with it all.