Brimstone Blues

Chapter Twenty-Five

Taz worked despite the men’s requests for her to take more time off. She drove Rafe’s Mustang, his MP3 player blaring. She spent more and more time with Rafe at night, lying in bed with her eyes closed, Matthias assuming she was trying to sleep.

She was in Rafael’s arms. Talking with him, staring at him. She couldn’t help it—and didn’t want to.

During her commute she talked to him, speaking out loud. She knew Matthias wanted her to ride with him, but she declined, needing the time alone.

With Rafe.

She sensed Matthias’ pain, but wasn’t ready to move forward. She needed to keep the barrier up between them, or he might sense Rafe’s presence. Then what would Matthias do? She wouldn’t give Rafe up, wouldn’t make him leave. And she hadn’t figured out how to talk to Matthias about it.

If she sheltered Rafe for a while longer, got used to the situation and fine-tuned her powers, Matthias must agree she was dealing and couldn’t force her to make him leave.

Then again, she didn’t think Matthias was strong enough to make her force Rafe out.

A few weeks after the funeral, Matthias had to go to New York for a meeting. “Do you want to go with me, Taz?”

She looked up from her desk. “Do you need me?” Truthfully, she wanted the time alone.

With Rafe.

He frowned. “I don’t need you there, but—”

“Then I should stay. I’ve got a ton of stuff to catch up on.”

He hesitated in her doorway then finally walked away.

“You hurt his feelings.”

She looked at Rafael’s ring, rubbing it. “I know.”

“He’s worried about you.”

“I know.”

“He loves you.”

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to fight the tears. “I know.”

Rafe had quickly become the voice of her conscience.

Around five, Matthias stopped at her office door and knocked.

“I’m going.” He had his laptop case slung over his shoulder. That meant he would be out of the office for a few days.

She nodded. “Okay.”

He hesitated. “Did you want to grab dinner downstairs? I’m flying up tonight.”

She was in the middle of reviewing a contract that had to go out the next morning. “Can I take a rain check? I told LA they’d have this by morning.”

He looked down and nodded. “Okay.” He looked like he wanted to say something else, and she felt his tentative probe. She acted like she didn’t notice, didn’t respond. After a long, uncomfortable moment, he said, “I’ll be back in three days.”

“Okay. We’ll call you if there’s any problems.”

He paused, and she bit the inside of her cheek to fight tears.

“Taz, are we okay?” he softly asked.

She nodded, not daring to meet his eyes. “I have a ton of stuff to catch up. We’ll go out when you get back. We’ve got a company to run, Matthias.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

She looked at him, trying to keep the barrier in place. “What do you mean?” She knew her voice sounded sharper than she intended and silently swore.

He studied her, shook his head, and stepped out of the doorway, the emotion in his voice breaking her heart. “I love you, Taz. I’ll see you when I get back.” He walked away before she could reply. After she heard the elevator door close behind him, she dropped her head to her desk with an aggravated groan.

“I am such a fucking dumbass!”

Rafe was quiet on the ride home. Usually he talked to her, and tonight she couldn’t take her attention from the road to find him. At the house she locked herself in her bedroom and took a shower, going to him in her mind.

“Taz baby, this isn’t good for you. I promised I wouldn’t come between you.”

She put her arms around him. “You’re not.” She kissed him.

In the shower she slowly ran the soap over her body, and Rafael felt her in a way he normally couldn’t. Unable to help himself, he made slow love to her in her mind. Eventually she finished her shower and went to bed where he continued loving her. While she was distracted by their passion, he stepped forward and looked through her eyes into the mirror over the dresser. She was alone on the bed, but his reflection was next to her in the mirror.

She was his cousin’s love, but she had been his wife. And dammit, he loved her. He lost her too soon, even by normal standards. They should have had another twenty or thirty years together, at least. She died so young.

He pushed his guilty conscience aside and spent the night loving her, wishing he could run his hands over her body in real life and not just in her mind. It was still good, like this, but he longed to smell her, bury his face in her still-damp hair, and really taste her.

He didn’t need sleep, but she did. Around midnight he talked her into rolling over and letting him draw her into a peaceful slumber, the first truly good sleep she’d had since he died. She curled around Matthias’ pillow, while in her mind she was cradled in Rafael’s arms.

As promised, Matthias returned late three days later. Even though Taz was still awake, she rolled over on her side when she heard his footsteps in the hall, pretended to be asleep when he opened the bedroom door. With closed eyes she opened her mind and tracked his progress—quietly putting his bag in the corner to unpack later, going into the bathroom, and gently closing the door before turning on the light and undressing. Then he turned off the light and came to bed, standing next to it for a moment and looking at her before slowly sliding under the covers.

He didn’t try to touch her. He rolled onto his side, facing away from her on his side of the bed. In five minutes, he was asleep.

She let her tears fall. She didn’t know how to reach out to him, encased by her self-constructed wall. Afraid to hurt him, afraid the secrets she already held would break his heart.

Maybe the kindest thing would be to let him go. The thought of that broke her heart. She loved him. Somehow, she would figure this out. If it was nearly any other problem, she would turn to her dad or Albert, even Tobias, but knew they would immediately tell Matthias if she confided this.

Taz hoped Matthias would wait for her to figure out what to do.

Matthias was still asleep the next morning when she awoke at four thirty. She grabbed her workout bag, changed in the downstairs bathroom, and waited until she pulled onto Tarpon Springs Road to turn on the radio, the subwoofer throbbing. Rafael took over for the rest of the drive. She spent over an hour in the gym and was already showered and working by seven thirty when Matthias stopped in her office doorway.

“Good morning.”

She looked up, smiled, and turned back to the file. “Good morning, Matthias.”

He stepped inside and closed the door. She didn’t look up, fighting her nervous agitation. He wanted to talk.

He pulled one of the chairs close to her desk and sat, not saying anything, not probing. After ten minutes, she couldn’t take it anymore.

“What?”

“Are you going to ignore me for the rest of our lives?”

“I have a lot of work to do.”

“Life isn’t just work, Taz. You’re using it as an excuse to avoid me. What did I do to piss you off?”

She closed her eyes. “I’m not mad at you, Matthias.”

“Then why are you ignoring me?”

Because your dead cousin, who I love, is now living inside my skull and I make love to him in my mind. “I’m not ignoring you.”

“You were awake last night when I got home.”

She swallowed. “Then why didn’t you say something?”

“I figured if you wanted to talk to me, or wanted me to talk to you, you would have said something and not lain there pretending to be asleep.”

She looked down again, trying to avoid his eyes.

“Taz, please. Talk to me.”

It took every ounce of will in her body not to give in to his heartbroken voice. “Matthias, I have a lot of work to do. I’m not mad at you. I’m trying to settle into a routine, that’s all. It’s been a rough couple of months, and I’m still trying to come to terms with everything.”

She saw his thoughts. He believed this was because of the executions. “I knew I never should have agreed to let you—”

“Matthias! What I do or don’t do as a member of the Tribunal, frankly, doesn’t concern you.”

He studied her, sensing her newfound strength. He nodded. His voice sounded quiet when he spoke. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” He stood and walked to the door.

She felt horrible. God, just rack ’em up, Taz. The big List O’ Guilt gets longer by the minute. “Matthias, I’m—”

He held up his hand, turned. “Anastazia, I love you. I know it’s my fault this all came down on you. Maybe not directly, but if I had been more patient, waited longer to bring you in, maybe things would have been different. Please know that when you’re ready to let me back in, I’m here. I won’t force you. I know you need time and space, and I already told you, I’m willing to give it to you.”

He gently closed the door behind him.

Taz always drove Rafe’s Mustang. Her new routine consisted of leaving before Matthias was awake, working out in the gym for an hour, then putting in twelve to fourteen hours in her office. Even on weekends. Then returning home late, frequently after eleven. Sometimes Matthias was home, sometimes he wasn’t. He took several business trips. Tobias, Albert, and her dad left her alone, watching her out of the corner of their eyes when they stumbled across her in passing.

She wasn’t talking to anyone. Even Murry avoided her, and she took care to close her office door when she expected to talk to Rafael, not sure how much the familiar could sense and not wanting him to tip anyone off.

She spent her nights curled in bed, eyes closed, in her mental room with Rafael, her head in his lap. Sometimes talking, sometimes just sitting there, feeling his hand on her shoulder.

Sometimes making love, but only on the nights Matthias wasn’t home.

She found herself looking forward to evenings with Rafe, their talks during her drive. She took the long way every day, even though it added at least a half hour to her drive each way. It was time she could spend talking to Rafael out loud, without worries anyone would catch her doing it. It was even better when Rafael drove, leaving her free to talk with him, explore the parts of his mind he willingly opened to her.

In bed, Matthias didn’t try to touch her, waiting for her to make the first move. She tried to time her arrivals and departures so he was asleep or not home, and she feigned sleep if he came in at night while she was there. On the one hand, she ached for his touch. On the other, she didn’t know how to make love to him, or even let him touch her, and completely maintain the barrier in her mind around Rafe’s presence.

Especially after what she’d been doing with Rafe.

She sensed Matthias’ loneliness, caught him watching her at work or at home, but still made no move. One evening he was reading in bed and she went downstairs with the excuse of getting a snack, then curled up on the sofa and fell asleep while talking with Rafe. When she awoke several hours later, someone had placed a blanket over her. Who, she didn’t know.

She didn’t ask.

Six weeks after the funeral, Rafe brought up the radio.

“When are we going to take the ’65 to work? I love that car.”

“The radio.” She didn’t want to drive it unless she could hook the MP3 player into it.

“Let’s hook it up.”

“I don’t know how.”

“I did Matts’ Mustang. You can do this. It’s easy.”

“That was a mean trick, by the way, putting the note on the order.”

“I’m sorry, baby girl. How about we do it Saturday?”

It didn’t make sense to not have a good radio in the car when he’d gone through the trouble of ordering her one.

“Okay, fine. Saturday.”

She took the box with the radio and components out to the garage and set it on the workbench. She had the place to herself, no worries about interruptions.

“You know, I’ve never done one of these before.”

“It’s easy, Taz. Just listen to me and do what I say. Or if you want, let me do it.”

That was tempting. Just sit back and let him have control and zone out for a while.

Maybe too tempting.

“Okay.” She sighed. “I’ll do it.”

She didn’t want to talk, she wanted to listen, to let him be there and be real and not be dead.

Not as dead, anyway.

“Disconnect the battery first.”

She followed his instructions. Thirty minutes later, she had the old radio out of the dash.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“No, that was okay.”

“Now we hook the new one up.”

An hour later she was listening to the radio. She still had to activate the XM part of it, but the MP3 port was working, and it hadn’t been nearly as hard installing the new XM antenna as she thought it would be. Rafael talked her through the entire process, including making sure she taped up the loose wires to his specifications and tucked everything neatly under the dash, secured with wire ties.

“Has to look neat, Taz. Anyone can butcher it.”

She smiled. “Does it meet your approval?”

“You’d still be working on it if it didn’t, baby girl.”

She laughed, sitting back in the seat, hands on the wheel. It felt good to do something like that. She wasn’t an expert in electronics by any stretch of the imagination. Having Rafael guiding her felt right, somehow. She closed her eyes, envisioning his face without going to their mental room. It was too tempting to spend her life curled up there with him, isolated from everyone. She knew she couldn’t do that, no matter how much she wanted it.

“You need to spend time with Matts.”

“I know.”

“He misses you.”

She felt the tears, but didn’t want to cry anymore. How many more tears would she shed over her lost life, her new life, the loss of Rafe? “I know.”

“I’m with you all the time. You can’t shut him out of your life anymore. He’ll wait for you forever, yes, but it’s cruel to keep him hanging like this. If you can’t reconnect with him, you need to let him go.”

That thought filled her with horror. “I love him.”

“Then show him, Taz. Tell him. Let him back in. You won’t hurt him, I promise. You love him too much to ever hurt him with your powers.” Rafe paused. “He’s your fiancé. You love him, I know you do. I can’t be jealous over you making love to him. You need to let him back into your life.”

She went to the mental room and curled up in Rafe’s lap, his arms around her, and cried.

“Taz, baby, I love you, you know I do. I won’t lie and say I’m happy things are the way they are. But I am dead. I don’t have a body. You’re alive. You need a man who can love you who is alive.”

She started to think something, and he put a finger to her lips. “No. Don’t think that,” he whispered. He’d never admit that he’d had the same thought, of trying to find a way into Matthias’ mind. That wasn’t fair to his cousin. Matthias still had a life to live, and to take it away from him would make him no better than Caroline.

Rafael regretted making love to Taz, knowing she was now bonded to him in a way she wasn’t before. It would make it harder for her to say good-bye when the time came. It would also make it harder for her to reconnect with Matthias.

“You need to love him, Taz.”

“I’m afraid he’ll find you’re there.”

He held her. “Quit feeling guilty.”

“Easy for you to say.”

“No, not easy for me to say. I’ve known Matthias for hundreds of years, and if anyone should feel guilty, it’s me. I’m taking you from him, and he deserves better than that from me after all we’ve been through.”

“I can’t let him find out you’re here, Rafe. He might make me get rid of you.”

“Do you really think he can? Taz baby, you’re—”

“Don’t say it! God, I’m so sick of people saying that!”

“Well, you are. The strongest.” Rafe kissed the top of her head. “Love him, Taz. Let him make love to you. I know you love him, his blood runs through you. We never had that. Quit feeling guilty and love him. And quit worrying about me, I’ll take care of that. He won’t find me, won’t even know I’m here. I promise.”

“I feel like you’re giving me permission to cheat on you.”

He laughed. “We’re the ones cheating.” He held her left hand, the one with Matthias’ ring. “He wants to marry you. What can I give you besides some really good wet dreams and snappy conversation? Let’s face it, no matter what it feels like, you need a real, warm body in your bed.”

“But you’re alive.”

“No, I’m not.” He forced her to meet his eyes. “I’m not alive, and you know it.” He studied her face before speaking again. “Taz, baby,” he whispered, “love him. Love Matthias.”

“I want to love you.”

“You do love me, I know you do. I’ll always love you, too, but you must let Matthias back in because you love him. He is your future. You met him, loved him first. I’m your past.”

“I feel like I’ve always loved you.”

He hoped she didn’t try to read his thoughts. “Taz, let him love you.” He didn’t want to tell her the truth about her past with Matthias. Or with him. “I know you want him, and it’s okay, because that’s the way it’s supposed to be.”

Taz rested her forehead against the steering wheel. “I don’t know what to do.”

“I have an idea.”

“What?”

Rafael told her, and she smiled, nodding. For once she could pull one over on Matthias, know something about him in advance, surprise him with something just right.

“I like that.”

“Then quit sniffling and get off your beautiful ass and go get cleaned up. He’ll be home soon.” Rafe’s tone belied his words. “Now, go!”

“I’m going, I’m going!”

She ran back to the house and grabbed a quick shower. Rafael had finally stopped the playful, lewd comments during bath time. She threw some things into their overnight bags, grabbed her laptop, then hesitated.

No, no work. Not this trip.

She put it back, ran down to the ’65 Mustang, and threw their bags into the trunk. She made a couple of calls, then smiled as she sent Matthias a text message before pulling out onto Tarpon Springs Road.

Matthias had been tempted to stay home since it was a Saturday, but wasn’t sure he could take yet another day of Taz trying to avoid him. Ever since their return from London she was changed, and not for the better. Despite her vehement denials, he suspected it had something to do with the executions. The irony was that through her impenetrable mental barrier she held against everyone—including him—she did seem somewhat less agitated and more stable than she had before.

Was that stability worth the vast emotional gulf now separating them?

After spending the morning in the office, he couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to confront her, not that he could force her to talk if she didn’t want to.

Not that anyone could force her to do anything she didn’t wish to do as strong as she was. He loved her beyond reason and felt helpless to find a way back to her heart. He sensed she loved him, yet the wall between them kept him at arm’s length.

Hadn’t he done just what his father warned him against so many centuries earlier? Despite his best intentions, by not being more patient and prudent, he triggered a landslide of events that resulted in his cousin dead and his love now estranged from him. Sleeping in the same bed every night, yes, but she might as well be a million miles away.

How could he ever make it up to her? Could he ever make it up to her?

Or was she yet another loss in his life, slipping through his fingers, helpless to hold her safe and close?

He felt his BlackBerry vibrate and almost ignored it. Work could wait. He needed to think about how to approach Taz, how to break the ice. Then again, maybe it was best to get whatever it was handled. At the next red light he glanced at the screen.