Destroyed

16

Roan

The truth shall set you free.

That was bullshit.

The truth made me a monster and placed fear and sadness into a little girl’s heart. But it helped with one thing: it gave me Zel. The way she looked at me changed from wary to wanting, from fearful to needful.

The night I told my story, Zel came to me and broke my walls. She smashed my conditioning, and I hoped life permanently changed for the better.

I hoped I was cured.

But hope is a fickle thing. It made the future look bright and pure when really it did nothing but camouflage the dark and dirty truth.

Truth Zel kept from me.

Truth that ruined my hope.

Truth that undid all my progress and hurtled me back from human to weapon.

That night, after Zel retired with Clara to bed, I spent a few hours overseeing Obsidian.

The time had just struck midnight, and the club heaved with eager fighters. Men swarmed in packs, discussing strategy, sharing war wounds, eagerness on their faces for a chance to excel in a fight. Every cage, mat, and ring was occupied with a long waiting list hanging beside the rigging. Seats held blood-hungry spectators. Girls circled the crowd delivering drinks and offering themselves for entertainment while private rooms were in hot demand.

Another busy day at the office.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the way Zel had looked at me or the need throbbing in my blood. It took all my strength to stay there and not storm back to Zel’s room and drag her out of bed to take her. I’d never needed sex so badly—never needed the affirmation that I hadn’t ruined the chance to be together.

You may have told her the truth tonight, but she’s keeping something from you.

My hands gripped the balustrade harder. Her secrets were driving me insane—especially seeing as one revolved around Clara. I wanted to know. I deserved to know.

“You alright, Fox?” Oscar appeared at the top of the stairs. His blond hair was spiked tonight, dull with wax. His tan deeper, browner, as if he spent the day in the waves under a beaming sun.

“Yeah, I’m good.” And despite everything, I was. I’d survived telling the truth. It hadn’t been as terrible as I imagined—not that I’d gone into detail. By speaking of it, memories swarmed my brain, pushing and shoving for space. It was hard to ignore since I invited the past back into my life.

I looked away, focusing on two men brutally hitting each other in the boxing ring. The urge to fight filled my stomach. It’d been days since I’d entertained the thought of a session. I missed it.

Being around Clara gave me pain to ignore most of the conditioning, and the small self-harm I did in the shower gave me the extra edge I needed, but I wanted the joy of my fist crunching against something hard. I wanted the thrill of taking someone down. I didn’t want the shame of being a pussy and cutting himself like an addict.

You’ll never be fully free.

I’d never be tamed or soft and gentle. Violence was as much in my DNA as my brother and past. It was fruitless to pretend otherwise.

“I didn’t think you’d be working tonight. Ever since that little girl arrived, you’ve been distracted.” Distracted by chasing a better life. Focusing on other things to turn me into a better human being.

I flashed him a half-hearted smile. I wanted to ignore him. I was in no mood to chat after spreading my life’s history at Clara’s and Zel's feet. My entire body was bruised, my brain bleeding from remembering, my throat sore from speaking about such atrocities.

“Yeah, had a few things on my mind lately.”

Oscar came to stand beside me, carefully overseeing the men below us. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

I glowered. “Why? What’s it to you?”

He faced me, giving me his full attention. His bright blue eyes pinned me in place. “You don’t seem yourself. You’re frankly freaking me out. One moment you’re untouchable and slightly crazy, the next you’re brought to your fucking knees by a kid—and not just any kid—but a kid belonging to a woman you’re falling for.” He sighed, running a hand over his face. “I know it’s not any of my business, but are you truly okay?”

I bared my teeth. “I’m fine. Drop it.” I turned my attention to two feral fighters who’d left etiquette behind and turned into royal uproar in the MMA cage. The crowd salivated at the brutal punches and the first spray of fresh blood.

The angst and love of pain filtered into my body, feeding my tiredness with unhelpful rage.

Oscar muttered under his breath. “She’s falling for you, isn’t she?”

I balled my hands, ignoring him. I hated sharing my private life. It wasn’t any of his business.

When I didn’t say anything, he added, “She’s good for you, Fox. I got it wrong when you first brought her up here. I thought she was another floozy only after your money, but she’s strong.” His blue eyes stopped trying to read me and returned to the fighting floor. “She’s got iron flowing in her veins and blades for fingernails.”

Despite myself, I was intrigued. “What makes you say that?” I knew the second I met her how strong she was. Her courage was the reason I chased her. Her strength was the reason I was in this mess. Obsessed with a kid and falling for a woman who I couldn’t read. One moment, I thought she cared like I did, the next I couldn’t tell.

Oscar’s eyebrow rose. “Well, for one thing, she doesn’t put up with your bullshit. Thanks to her help with the paperwork, she’s increased margins and the club is running smoother than ever.” He smiled. “She keeps her mouth closed about some of the not so legal things we’re doing, and she’s loyal to you. If you think she’s the one, then I agree—she’s perfect.”

I searched his eyes, wondering if Zel had ever spoken to Oscar about me. He seemed to have changed his tune since the first night. I never saw them together, but that didn’t mean they didn’t have time to chat. Apart from the hostility at the beginning, Oscar had softened and welcomed Hazel. Even smiling when Clara appeared in my office at odd times in the day.

Oscar grinned. “I’m happy for you.” He shrugged. “In any case, she’s intelligent as hell. I’d watch her if I were you.”

The secrets she was hiding once again filled me with annoyance.

My back tensed. “Watch her why?” Suspicion rose. Maybe they had talked behind my back. My hands clenched.

“Because the quiet ones are always one step ahead of you. They have everything all figured out while keeping an entire lifetime behind their kind and gentle thoughts.” His eyes gained a wistful look, remembering someone from his past perhaps. “The quiet ones run deep, and no matter how much you think you know them—you never truly do.”

His words struck me. He’s right. No matter how I wished differently, Zel never gave me all of herself. She remained aloof, mysterious, entirely too closed off. And I was done being kept in the dark.

I wanted sunlight and answers and truth.

I wanted to know everything.

I’d been truthful; it was time for her to give me the same fucking courtesy. My eyes scanned the fighting floor one last time before I shoved away from the balcony. “I’m leaving.”

Oscar nodded. “Thought you might. See ya later. I’ve got this.”

Not looking back, I stalked away and headed toward my bedroom. My heart pumped heavily as I unlocked the door and entered. My thoughts full of fists and bruises—contemplating if I could risk another appearance at the Dragonfly.

“Hello.”

My mouth promptly fell open, drinking in the apparition on my bed. All the angry, blood thirsty needs headed rapidly south. My cock tightened, thickened, hardened.

Bare skin. Bare breasts. Bare everything.

My feet moved forward, compelled toward the woman I wanted to fuck so badly. “What are you doing in here?” My voice was gruff and gravel from my previous temper, threading with the exploding lust unravelling in my blood.

I cleared my throat, inching forward another step.

Zel never took her emerald eyes off me. Sitting primly like a fucking princess in the middle of my bed, she looked unconquered and entirely regal. Her long, dark hair cascaded over her shoulders, teasing me.

Naked.

Gloriously fucking naked. The only thing she wore was the silver barbell through her right nipple and her star necklace. The chain I’d made was gone, along with the custom designed bracelets. My eyes narrowed, searching for the missing jewellery.

My temper rose once again, pissed off she’d removed it. I put it on her—I marked her as mine. She had no right to take it off without my permission. It was a slight against me—as if she no longer wanted me.

“Where’s the silver?” I crossed the bedroom, prowling toward the warm glow of light beside the bed. “Why did you take it off?” And why are you here? She should be in bed with her daughter, barricaded by a door, so I couldn’t hurt either of them.

Zel sat higher on her knees. “I took it off. It’s not me who should be chained. It’s you.”

Even though I’d come to the same conclusion, it didn’t sit well with me. I couldn’t stomach the thought of being captured against my will—just like all those days in Russia. I shook my head. “I’m done being bound and owned.”

Zel dropped her head, soft locks drifting over her face. “Tonight will be the last time. I promise.” Taking a breath, she murmured, “If you do what I say, I think I can help.”

Shifting sideways, she gathered a length of chain from the covers around her legs. I couldn’t see where she’d pried the links undone, but I stood transfixed as she crawled on her hands and knees toward me. Her breasts swayed erotically, and the gentle clink of metal set off a warning in my muscles. She cast a spell over me so effortlessly. I didn’t want any part in being bound, but I knew I would say yes. Whatever power I had was useless against this woman.

My muscles locked as Zel reached the end of the bed, sitting on her heels. “I’ve seen your back and chest so you don’t have to hide anymore. You let Clara touch you. It’s only fair to let me do the same. I’m going to break you, Fox. I’m going to stroke you and touch every inch. I’m going to take you and show you how to love me properly, and I’m not going to accept no for an answer.”

Her throat worked as she swallowed hard, hinting at the fear she kept locked away.

The tension in the room thickened until I breathed it deep, clogging my lungs with need. “And if I don’t agree?”

She shrugged, drawing my eyes to her exposed perfect breasts. “Then you don’t get what you want.”

“And what do I want?”

“Happiness.”

She couldn’t have toppled me with any other word. Happiness. The one thing I hungered for and the one thing I didn’t think I’d ever achieve. Even with her and Clara, it still felt fleeting—as if I’d wake up one morning and find it’d all been a dream. Snatched away and burned, leaving me with cinders and grief.

Despite all that, I might’ve believed her if it wasn’t for the glitter of sadness in her eyes. My stomach rolled; I muttered, “I know you’re hiding something from me. Clara knows it, too. She senses whatever you’re trying to mask, and I’m done waiting for you to tell me. I want to fucking know.”

She shook her head, hair whispering over perfect skin. “There is something you should know. Two things, actually. And I promise I’ll tell you. But not tonight.” Her eyes captured mine, filling with need. “Not right now. Tonight is for us. For you. For our future.” Passion resonated in her voice, drawing me closer, drugging me until all I saw was her.

I didn’t know I moved until my knees crashed against the edge of the bed. I nodded, allowing her one more night of secrecy.

Breathing shallowly, Zel moved closer. Her body heat struck me first, along with her sweet, exotic scent. Her mouth came within a millimetre of mine, her breath feathering over my lips. “I want to kiss you, but I need to tie you first. I don’t want to run the risk of what happened before.”

I groaned, balling my fists to stop from reaching out to grab her.

Her eyes trailed down my front, scorching me with fire. “Strip.”

The command made me shudder, made me drunk on the anticipation of sex. I gawked at her nakedness, revelling in her flat stomach and perfectly formed breasts. Her nipples pebbled, bunching into tiny buds, reacting to my gaze. My mouth watered to suck. I wanted to lick her all over, rain kisses, and bite. I wanted to give her the same explosive pleasure she gave me the other night.

I growled, “And if I agree to you taking control, what then? You’ll refuse to let me touch you? Will you prevent me from fucking you? From claiming you and making you mine?” I leaned forward, so, so close to kissing her swollen lips. “I’ve been dreaming of being deep inside you, Hazel. No matter what restraints you put on me, it won’t stop me from taking what I want, from driving deep and hard, stroking you with my cock until you disintegrate around me.”

Zel panted; her arms twitched at her sides. She sucked in a fluttering breath. “If you can prove to me I can touch you without you killing me, then you can take me however you want.” A shaky hand raised, dangling silver from her fingers. “But for now…I’m going to make love to you. I’m going to teach you the difference.” She spoke with such control and strength, sending a riot of conflicting confusion through me.

I loved she was strong enough not to fear me—to allow me close to her—to be vulnerable around me, but I wasn’t comfortable with her taking full control. It was too similar to my past. My stomach rolled at the thought of being chained by my ankles and hands and throat.

“See this collar, Fox?” My handler tugged on the leash attached to the leather cuff around my neck.

“Yes, sir.”

This is so you know who you belong to. You carried out your assignment last night, but you took two hours too long. Next time, if you’re not back in time, I’ll attach one of these to you and hang you from the fucking ceiling. Got it?”

My heart bucked, but there was only one answer I could give. “Yes, sir.”

I shook my head, dispelling the short flashback. “You can bind my wrists, but that’s all.”

She narrowed her eyes, dropping them to focus on my hands by my sides. Uncertainty and fear swarmed in her gaze. She’d had first-hand encounters with how deadly my fingers could be.

I cursed myself for not having the strength not to hurt her, but no matter what she asked of me—I couldn’t give her full body immobilisation. It would kill me.

“I promise I’ll keep it together this time. Just don’t—don’t push me too far.”

She shook her head. “But that’s the point. I need to push you to help you past whatever barriers are in your mind.” She glanced at my hands again.

She didn’t know I’d killed men with my legs, elbows, ankles, even my skull. Every part of me, not just my hands, were fatal. I had no wish for her to know either. I’d let her tie my hands, but the real chains would be self-imposed. Only my willpower could stop me from killing her. Ropes and restraints wouldn’t work if I wanted to snuff out her life.

But I didn’t.

Never.

Hazel was mine.

After a long pause, Zel nodded. “Fine. I’ll bind your wrists and nothing else.” Her gaze dropped to the hard bulge in my trousers. “Now, strip.” She licked her lips, a flash of passion glazing her eyes. “I’m wet for you.”

My cock lurched, cursing the restriction of my trousers. I wanted to slip inside her that very fucking second.

My hands trembled pulling off my shirt. The moment the material landed on the floor, I tensed. Hating my skin, the scars, the memories. Even though I’d stood before her and Clara and allowed them to see what I hid from the world, it still didn’t stop the overpowering urge to cover up.

Rejection and self-hatred were fellow emotions as Zel’s eyes swept over me, lingering on some areas, coasting over others.

“You’re so beautiful,” she whispered.

My stomach flipped and my heart no longer beat—it strummed for her. Only for her. Breathing hard, I brought my hands up to unbuckle my belt. Her lips parted as her eyes followed my every move. I inched the zipper down, feeling air kiss my nakedness beneath. Kicking off my shoes and socks, I let the material fall to the floor.

My cock hung heavy between my legs, begging for her touch. It felt alive with want, filling almost painfully with the urge to come all over her. I wanted her to wear my scent—to see my mark all over her white breasts and soft curls between her legs.

“Goddammit, Zel, you have no idea how much you fucking turn me on.” My hand skidded over my stomach, cupping myself, easing some of the tension throbbing in my length.

She sucked in a breath. “Hold out your hands.”

Heat and a small flare of panic rushed my blood as I slowly unlatched my fingers from my cock. I obeyed.

Locking my elbows, I steeled myself against her gentle touches as she wrapped the entire length of chain around my wrists. Not once or twice, but three loops before gathering a small padlock from the black bedspread and securing me.

I tested the tightness, already feeling sick to my stomach, battling residual recollections of being bound.

This wasn’t a shit hot idea. Not only did I have to fight the conditioning, but now I had to battle the memories of being controlled and bound. I shook as my muscles bunched and quivered. What if I’m not strong enough?

My lungs stuck together as Zel exhaled a small sound of relief. Did she fear me that much? She didn’t look turned on by securing me, more like less ready to bolt out the door.

You’re doing this for her.

“Climb on the bed. Lie on your belly.”

My eyes flared. “Why on my stomach? A vital part of my anatomy isn’t useable unless you intend to teach me how to dry hump a mattress.” I tried to joke, to dispel some of the tense anxiety between us, but Zel’s lips only twitched. I’d mistaken any sense of relief when she secured the padlock—she hadn’t relaxed at all, shaking with tension.

“I want to do something. You let Clara do it. Now, it’s my turn.”

Fuck. She wanted to touch my back. She wanted to look deeper at the tattoos, see beneath the ink to the lash marks and countless other scars hidden beneath the Ghost designs.

I shook my head, about to refuse, but Zel leaned back, inadvertently flashing me her delicate pink flesh between her legs.

All thoughts detonated out of my head. I followed like a lovesick teenager, mouth-watering, wanting so fucking badly to taste her.

I’d never kissed a woman down there. Never brought a woman to climax, or enjoyed the privilege of thighs quivering around my ears.

I wanted her. On my face, in my mouth, down my throat.

My already hard cock lurched painfully. “I’ll only lie down on my stomach if you do something for me in return.”

A barter system.

Something from her in return for something from me. And I knew exactly what I’d ask for.

Zel moved to the side as I awkwardly made my way high enough up the bed. With my hands locked together, I threw myself onto my back, rather than my stomach.

She scowled. “What do you want?” Little spots of colour danced on her cheeks, her lips growing pinker.

Instead of answering, my eyes dropped down her body, coming to rest between her legs. I stifled the groan, noticing for the first time the streak of glistening wetness on her inner thigh.

Fuck.

She wanted me as badly as I wanted her and the waiting was driving us both crazy.

It would take one good yank of my hands to break the three loops of chains. My arms tensed, preparing to release myself, so I could pin her beneath me. But I swallowed the need. Right now, there existed an equality between us. Zel believed she was safer and in turn might let me do more things to her than if she feared for her life the entire time.

I knew no matter what happened, I would sooner kill myself than her. My self-control would prevail. It had to.

Raising my eyes to lock with hers, I murmured, “I want to lick you.”

Her eyes flared wide; her toned tummy tightened.

When she didn’t move, I cocked my head. “Let me taste you, and I’ll gladly let you touch my back. But I’m not going anywhere until you obey me. Come here.”

She shook her head, a blush covering her cheeks. “I can’t. How would you—”

Logistics seemed simple to me. “You have to sit on my face, Zel.” I couldn’t stop the small smile and the thrill in my stomach at the thought of her presenting herself to me. She’d have to willing expose herself and hold herself in place while I pleasured her.

“Move. Now. I won’t ask again.”

The order in my voice made her slowly slink up the bed, eyes filling with shyness. Her body heat scorched mine, but she carefully avoided all contact. When her knees were parallel to my shoulders, she looked at me. “I can’t. It’s just—too graphic.”

“You want to touch me. I want to taste you. Straddle my mouth, Hazel.”

Her eyes snapped closed before a hesitant leg branched out and she positioned herself above me.

She towered above me, looking like my ruler, my queen. Her breasts sat perky and perfect while the contours of her stomach guided me to the sweetest looking pussy I’d ever seen.

My voice thickened and my cock jerked, expelling a small bead of pre-cum, desperately needing more.

“You look fucking stunning.” I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her pink flesh or her toned thighs, keeping her hovering just out of reach.

Her skin was flushed and she jumped a mile as I quickly stretched up and lassoed my bound hands up over her head, letting my forearms rest on her thighs, imprisoning her.

Her eyes flashed with trepidation as she reared back, ready to fight.

I pressed down, forcing her legs to splay, closer and closer to my face. “I promise I won’t hurt you.” My voice rang with brusque sincerity. “Please. Trust me.”

It took a moment, but her legs relaxed and she closed her eyes. Obeying, but not believing.

I licked my lips, putting possessive pressure on her hips with my forearms. She allowed me to pull her down. Down and down until her legs spread to deliver her wetness to my tongue.

The moment her heat touched my mouth, I forgot who I fucking was. I forgot my name, my family, my past, my trials. I was completely fucking hers through and through.

It didn’t matter I didn’t know what to do; the instant my tongue swept along her folds Zel arched forward and her hands slammed against the bronze bedhead behind me. A moan tore through her throat almost making me come with no other stimulation.

Her musky sweet taste electrified my mouth, and I had to have more. Spearing my tongue, I flicked her clit, dragging more pants from her.

I adored making her tremble. I loved every second of bringing her pleasure. The conditioning stayed at a bearable level thanks to her wrapping her hands around the gnarly tree of the bedhead.

“Fuck,” I growled as I swept my tongue downward and entered her. The wetness short circuited my brain until I couldn’t stop increasing my rhythm. I tongue-fucked her with no remorse, groaning, thrusting my hips. I craved her in every inch of my body.

My world swam with completely new sensations. I’d never tasted anything like it. Never felt the urge to turn feral, but sweet. With a questing tongue, I swept upward again, swirling around her clit.

Her entire body jerked. She went from tense with stress to trembling with need in a second flat.

“I’m going to touch you, Fox. I can’t help it,” she panted.

I shook my head, rasping my unshaven cheeks against her delicate inner thighs. I nipped her sensitive flesh, thrilling at the low mewls escaping her.

“I have to. Please,” she moaned loudly as I tongued her entrance again, diving deep and hard.

Breaking away, I looked upward, my vision hazy with lust. My voice was hardly recognisable as I groaned, “I wasn’t saying no to touching me. You can. I was saying no to calling me Fox.”

Her eyes flew open, and I drowned in her green perfection. Confusion and questions darted like minnows in her gaze.

Pressing on her legs, I brought her entire pussy to my mouth and sucked hungrily, savagely.

My tongue delved deep, deep inside her and my cock lurched—hurting with the need to fuck her. I wanted to climb inside this woman and never fucking leave.

Her thighs quivered as I nipped possessively on her clit. She threw her head back, moaning, “I’m going to come. Oh, my God, I’m going—I’m coming. I’m coming.”

Gathering my stomach muscles, I arched upright, pressing hard into her. My tongue drove deep, plunging in and out of her delicious taste. The first ripple of muscle caught me completely by surprise, but then her hands landed on my head, clutching fiercely at my hair, pulling, yanking as her hips rode my mouth.

White noise hissed in my ears. My muscles burned with the need to obey.

My eyes snapped closed as a roar of conditioning held me hostage. My body twisted, preparing to shove her off and away, but I battled through it. I concentrated on other things—better things. I concentrated on her coming undone in my hands, liquid flowing while I kissed and worshiped her. The release seemed to transfer from her to me, making me throb harder, wanting the same explosion she’d enjoyed.

On and on her muscles contracted around my tongue. Only once the final tremor settled did she open her eyes.

“Wow,” she whispered, eyes fogged with passion.

I smiled, loving the feeling of her wetness on my lips and chin. “I owed you. What you gave me the night you sucked me off was amazing. I hope I returned the favour okay.”

She laughed once. “It was more than okay.”

With aching shoulders, I brought my bound hands up her back and over her head, freeing her, but her hands never left the sanctuary of my hair. She dug the pads of her fingertips into my scalp, sending tingles down my spine.

I used the energy and strength of the conditioning for my own purpose this time. In a move too fast for Zel to fight against, I toppled her from my chin to my hips and captured her face in my chained hands.

She sucked in a shocked breath before I slammed my mouth against hers, bruising both of us in a ruthless kiss.

My tongue darted past her lips with fierce hunger. Her body went from rigid and ready to fight, to liquid and malleable.

I bit her, forcing her to surrender. With a shudder, she sprawled on top of me, her straddled thighs unlatching around my hips.

We both froze as her wet heat brushed against my rock-hard cock.

Our eyes locked. I couldn’t wait any longer.

“Fuck it.” I thrust upward, filling her in one stroke. My eyes lost all ability to see as I sank deep into her heat. My head swelled with pressure, my body went taut with overwhelming need.

She cried out as her forehead crashed onto my shoulder. Her entire body lay on top of mine. The white noise grew louder, filling with screeches and shouted orders. My legs jerked as I tried to ignore.

No.

My hands opened and closed, desperate to wrap around her throat. My feet scrabbled for purchase on the sheets ready to propel her off me, so I could kill her.

But her sharp teeth sank into my shoulder as her hips went from stationery to rocking. She brought me back to her—she brought me back from the dark place and gave me fucking light in the form of connection and sweet, sweet emotion.

My muscles churned. I focused on the heat of her around my cock and the taste of her inside my mouth. I stayed grounded. I stayed with her.

“Fuck, Fox. Yes. Oh, God.” Zel kept her eyes tightly closed, riding me as frantically as I thrust into her. We both chased a goal, intent on arriving as fast and as explosively as possible.

“Call me Roan, goddammit. I want you to call me Roan.”

Her eyes flew open, lips dancing with a smile. Her hands delved back into my hair, holding me in place to kiss me just as hungrily as I’d kissed her. “Roan,” she whispered against my mouth.

My cock lurched as my heart cracked wide open and presented itself on a golden fucking platter for her to take. There was nothing left. I was hers.

“Roan. God, oh...”

My heart pounded, loving my first name on her lips. It felt as if it opened another part of me, and I forgot for a moment that I wasn’t cured. I wasn’t normal, I wasn’t safe.

My hands jerked, breaking one link.

I opened my eyes, terrified that I’d gone too far. I wrangled the conditioning into submission. Zel sat upright, placing her hands on my chest. The pressure of her touch sent my brain reeling into darkness, but I gritted my teeth, forcing myself to stay with her.

“Concentrate on me. On us. Don’t leave me, Roan. Don’t leave me.” Her hips rocked harder, her pussy stroking my entire length.

“I’m with you,” I groaned, throwing my head back as the first line of fire shot up my cock and spurted into Zel. The instant I started coming, Zel unravelled.

A surge of power grabbed my muscles and I yanked my wrists apart. Silver links strained, fighting my strength, but they didn’t stand a chance.

With a gentle pinging, the chain snapped free and slithered off my wrists.

“No—wait.” Zel froze.

Grabbing her waist with fierce fingers, I pressed her hard, driving upward. “I’m fine. Really. Don’t stop. Don’t stop fucking me, Zel.”

Her face held two battling desires: wanting to continue and wanting to run. Eventually wanting to continue won and she allowed me to rock her hips, propelling upward.

Together we thrust and ground against each other, taking and giving and fucking. The last band of release gave me something new. Gone was the violent urge to fill her, now I wanted to wrap her in clouds and protect her from everything. I felt almost weightless, buoyant.

Complete.

I gathered her to me in the gentlest hug I could manage.

Her arms came around my neck, pressing her breasts against me. My heart exploded with tenderness. I never thought I could receive such a sought after gift.

Such a simple thing, but it changed my world.

The first time I’d hugged anyone since Vasily.

The first time I’d allowed anyone to hug me back.

“Tell me why you’re naked, operative.”

I hung my head, avoiding looking at my dangling cock. “Because I fell asleep with no clothes on, sir.”

“And now you’ll preform the mission with no protection while your white ass glows for your victim to see. You’re a prime target. I doubt you’ll make it back alive tonight.”

“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.”

The rest of the cadets looked at me with a mix of smugness and pity. Six of us had been selected for tonight’s mission. All of them wore black. Everyone but me.

The commander presented us with our customary hunting knife, half-moon blades, and gun with silencer. He pointed toward the awaiting van that would drive us to the kill site.

I fumbled with the three weapons. With no place to store, I had to figure out a way to hold them.

My handler smirked. “You were always too bold, Fox. Tonight you’ll learn the hard way.”

And he was right.

That night I was shot in my ass running away from the security guards of the diplomat I’d murdered. His blood covered my bare skin, mingling with my own from the bullet wound.

Vasily was the one who helped clean and dress my wound. Only eight-years-old, but adapt at triage already.

Never again did I sleep naked. I would never make that mistake twice.

I shot upright, blinking, panicking.

No light.

Nothing but compressing, smothering darkness.

My eyes flew to the window where the stars and moon mocked me. You fell asleep before the sun was here to protect you. It’s our turn to make you suffer.

I fell backward, screaming as the memory of killing my brother—the one I tried so hard to avoid—crashed over me with a tidal wave of misery.

“Roan. Please—” Vasily’s face was streaked with tears, his nose streaming with mucus. My handler marched beside me, digging a cattle prod into my side while I dragged my baby brother along with a hard grip around his neck.

“Let me go. I promise I won’t say anything. I promise, Roan.”

My black heart had died back at the training camp, and my eyes were dry as a bone.

I knew where we were going, and I knew I would die beside my brother—either tonight or tomorrow or the day after. It didn’t matter. We were both doomed.

The moment we arrived at the pit, my handler pressed the trigger and sent a huge bolt of electricity through my body. My fingers locked involuntarily around Vasily’s neck, and we plummeted to the floor of the three metre deep pit.

My body weight crushed Vasily’s leg, breaking it in two places. His wails and screams scared wolves and owls far away from our grave.

They left us there for three days.

Starving, freezing, huddling together for warmth and catching snowflakes on our tongue for hydration, Vasily grew weaker every day. His lungs rattled with liquid, coughing and rasping with pneumonia.

Even if by some miracle I found a way out of there, he would die anyway.

So I did the only thing I could for my brother.

I kissed his cheeks and tasted his tears and we hugged goodbye with promises of finding each other in another life.

And then I broke his neck.

The crack of his spine heralded my handler as if he’d been waiting all along.

They hauled me out and patted my back and walked me back as a hero.

“Fox! Fox! Roan! Wake up!”

I jolted awake again, sucking down huge gulps of oxygen. My heart raced as if I’d been drowning, my eyes wild as I looked around the room. Zel had turned on a false sun in the form of a bedside light.

I’d done two things I swore I would never do again: fall asleep naked and sleep with no sunlight.

My skin crawled, and I lurched backward, crushing the pillows against the headboard.

Zel held out her hand, fear and sorrow misting her eyes.

I looked to her hand and shook my head. “Don’t touch me. I can’t guarantee I’ll be safe.” My voice was hoarse as if I’d been screaming in my sleep.

Her arm dropped and she plucked the sheet covering her legs. Her naked breasts glowed with warmth from the small bedside light.

I needed silence, and I needed time. Time to put myself back together.

I hated that Zel had seen me weak. Seen how truly fucked up my brain was. I frowned as panic clenched my heart. “I didn’t say anything—did I?”

She’ll never trust me around Clara if she knows what I did to Vasily.

She shook her head. “You spoke in gibberish or Russian. All I heard was your brother’s name, but that’s it.”

Fisting my hands, I forced my body to relax. She didn’t know the worst of it—she would never know how many children I’d been forced to dispatch. I would take that secret with me to my grave.

Minutes ticked past as we stayed on opposite sides of the bed. Zel didn’t say a word, but her eyes yelled never-ending questions in my direction. Every part of my body wanted to get up, to punch something, to fight.

My eyes dropped to my scarred torso. Every burn, every punishment mocked me and I couldn’t stay naked another minute. I felt too exposed, too vulnerable, too weak.

Black. I need black.

Throwing my legs over the side of the bed, I went to stand, but Zel murmured, “Wait. I’ll help you.” She crawled toward me, ignoring the sheet twisting around her legs. “Lie on your stomach.”

My heart exploded. “You think you can touch me?” I shook my head violently. “Not going to happen. I—”

Zel kept advancing. “You’re close to breaking. Let me push you. Lie down, Roan.” Her voice danced with coaxing and commands.

I didn’t want to obey; I didn’t know how much I could tolerate, but if she was right, it might mean I could be free.

When I didn’t move, her face twisted into sadness. Her hand fell to her stomach protectively, her gaze turning inward. For one insane, wild moment, I imagined her carrying my child. Giving me redemption in the form of a new life. Granting me immortality in the form of my own creation. Her voice was barely a whisper. “This is important. You need to do this.”

The brutal honesty snapped my willpower and I muttered, “I broke the chain.” My eyes searched for the ruined silver gleaming amongst the black bedspread.

Without a word, Zel got up and strode naked to the end of the bed. Scooping up my trousers, she tore the belt from the loops and held it up. It looked like a snake—a snake about to sink its fangs into my flesh and poison me to death.

My breath rattled as she came toward me.

“I know you need this, but I don’t have the strength. Don’t ask me to do this.”

Her forehead furrowed and a harsh glint entered her green eyes. “You promised me you’d be safe around Clara, but you almost lost it in your office. I need to make sure that doesn’t happen again.” Holding the belt in two hands, she presented the taut length to me. “Put your hands together.”

Scenarios of hitting her, striking her, and running out the door filled my brain. I didn’t want to fall over the edge. I didn’t want to succumb to the rage and pain of the conditioning. I didn’t know what existed on the other side. What if my mind exploded—what if I couldn’t cope?

What if I kill her?

One day you will if you don’t break it.

The thought compelled my hands forward, and I rested my joined wrists over the loop of the belt. Without a word, Zel wrapped the leather twice around my hands before securing the buckle tightly.

Leaning down, she kissed me ever so gently on the corner of my mouth. “Lie down. Focus on me.”

I obeyed. Sliding up the bed, I hesitantly pressed my chest against the sheets. The moment I was horizontal with my bound hands above my head, I wanted to roar with rage. I hated she’d put me in such a compromising position. I hated being at someone’s mercy yet again.

Silently, Zel climbed beside me before throwing a leg over my hip and straddling me. The softness of her ass against the small of my back was the first sharp shock to my system. My hands curled as the familiar urges built behind my eyes.

Her hands landed on my shoulders, grasping hard, digging into muscle.

The urge behind my eyes spread to my teeth and jaw and spine. I went from frozen to trembling with deep-seated aggression.

Kill. Sever. Devour.

I groaned, pressing my face harder into the mattress.

“I won’t hurt you. I’m here. I’m with you,” Zel murmured, all the while massaging my shoulders with a firm mind-splintering touch.

The brainwashing spread fast until every muscle locked, writhing with the need to obey the simple decree to kill.

“Close your eyes,” she demanded.

Was she insane?

“I can’t. All I see is death and mutilation. If I close my eyes, I’ll be consumed by darkness. I need to focus. I need to focus on the light and you and this room.”

Zel didn’t say anything as she smoothed her hands from my shoulders to the centre of my back. “You have to give yourself to me for this to work. You have to be completely at my mercy. No holding back. If it gets too much to bear, tell me and I’ll add more restraints.” Her voice wobbled, but then strengthened. “You have to tell me if it gets too much. I won’t let you hurt me again.”

I nodded, the sound of fabric from the bedspread loud in my ear. The shooting pain of disobedience darted through my body. Gritting my teeth, I rode through it, trying so hard to do what Zel said and let myself go.

The silence rushed with the voices of my handlers.

Why are you disobeying a direct order, operative?

She’s inflicting you, therefore you must inflict back.

Sweat broke out on my brow as Zel’s hands dropped further. Her hand landed on my ass and my back arched in surprise. “Stop—” I growl-panted, my skin scorching with unrequited orders.

“No,” she whispered. Meticulously, she traced a finger from the crack in my ass upward to the base of my spine. Deliberately taunting me with a mixture of firm and soft, prohibited and allowed.

“You spilled some of your secrets today. I loved hearing more about you even though your past is so sad. Focus on my voice as I touch you. Try and relax. Try not to fight and I’ll tell you some of mine.” Her hand splayed on my spine, massaging the tortured muscles below.

A headache swelled, throbbing with my rapidly beating heart.

Kill her, Fox.

We won’t command again.

Her fingers feathered over the fox tattoo on the base of my spine. “I’ll start with my necklace. I’ve seen you looking at it—the star. The single silver star.” Her voice turned wistful, full of happy memories. “I bought two necklaces with my meagre savings the day Clara turned four. She was obsessed by all things galaxy and drew stars on everything she could get her hands on.”

Her fingers continued their maddening assault, calling more conditioning, more pain. I glued my lips together and bore through it.

“I bought her the necklaces for her birthday. Her face lit up as if she’d swallowed the moon. Her tiny hands tickled my neck as we took turns clasping them on each other. The moment they were on, she announced she would never take it off. She’s my star in more ways than one.” She sighed, her voice turning sad. “I bought the necklaces for another reason, too. But that isn’t a tale for tonight.”

My brain skipped between her voice and the inner commands only I could hear. It took all my willpower to focus on the present and stay lying flat.

It would be so easy to flip her off.

Her neck will snap if you use your legs around her throat.

Zel continued, fingertips pressing deep into never before massaged flesh. “I’ve had so many jobs I can’t remember them all—most of them weren’t legal. I bounced from foster family to foster family, always an outcast. I thought the world hated me—that I’d be forever alone, but then I learned I could create the life I wanted by lying.”

She repositioned her legs, straddling me higher to work deeper on my shoulders. “I have authentic looking documents from colleges around the country. But none of them are true. I forged a past from a runaway no-hoper to proud aspiring mother.

“I’ll never apologise for lying or stealing because it was the only way to survive. It allowed me to give Clara a better world.” Her voice caught before continuing in its smooth lullaby. The more I listened, the more she entranced me, and the more the conditioning didn’t hold centre stage.

Every touch was torture—stroking seized muscles, prolonging the utter madness of crashing orders, but it didn’t overpower me. I didn’t lose myself to blackness.

Her hands moved higher, thumbs digging into hard muscle on either side of my spine. “I have blood on my hands. I’ve stolen two lives.”

My back bowed as the shock of her confession slapped the conditioning away, leaving me clearheaded for a wonderful moment. “What? How did they happen?”

Her hands trailed higher, turning from therapeutic massage to gentle petting. My breathing turned heavy and rasping; my bound fists ached from clenching so hard. The conditioning came back, simmering in the back of my brain.

“I was twelve the first time I turned a man into a corpse.”

So fucking young. Like me.

The connection I felt toward Zel blistered my heart, strengthening my will to ignore the orders.

“I was between foster parents. Up till then, I’d been placed with decent families, kind and generous—I was the one messed up and didn’t let them help me. But that one…it was different. I wasn’t prepared for the jolly overly-touchy uncle to come into my bedroom once everyone had gone to bed. I wasn’t prepared for the pet-name ‘baby-doll’ to become such an irrational fear thanks to him crooning it. I wasn’t prepared to watch him strip or the grotesque erection between his legs. But I was prepared to defend myself.

“I wasn’t innocent, even at that tender age. I’d stolen a kitchen knife from a previous family, and bided my time as he climbed into my bed. His beer breath was rancid in the dark while his foul hands tried to fondle me.

“One touch was all he got before I plunged the sharp blade into his groin. It was pure luck I severed his femoral artery. He bled dry before the ambulance arrived.”

Zel’s hands never stopped their relentless stroking. Her touch twisted my head with needs and urges all while I tried to concentrate on her story. My body sparked with sensitivity. The tickling of her body hovering above mine drove me insane.

“The second time I killed, I’d just turned twenty-one. I slit the throat of a man trying to rape Clue. I didn’t even think. I wasn’t desensitized to hurting people—I avoided it at all costs—but seeing him hurting someone half his size, I stopped thinking and reacted.

“I’ll never regret saving her. She saved me in return.”

Her voice trailed off as she leaned forward, rubbing her hands all over, wrapping me in the fragrance of lily of the valley. Every part of my body ached from fighting an unseen war; anticipation heightening my senses until all I focused on was my rabbiting heartbeat and monstrous curiosity about the woman on top of me.

Slinking forward, Zel climbed my body until she sat on her heels over my ribs. Her hands smoothed my shoulder blades, rubbing with delicious pressure.

Listening to her helped me stay sane, but silence sucked me back into the dark. My headache roared out of control, and I did the only thing I could to avoid falling into the pit. To avoid obeying and hurting her.

I was done having her in control. It was my turn.

In one sharp move, I flipped Zel off my back and rolled over. The belt around my wrists wasn’t escapable, but it didn’t matter. In a second, I pulled my naked body onto hers, pinning her beneath me.

Her eyes flared wide and panic etched her face.

“Don’t worry. I won’t hurt you. I’m still in control.” Barely.

I wanted to lick, nibble, and bite. I wanted to run my hands over her body and touch, just like she touched me. I needed to sink deep inside her to ignore the stronger urges, the more insisting orders.

She’d tried to accustom my body to gentler touches—reprogram my brain from two decades of training in one massage session. I didn’t want to shatter her hope. She’d helped, but not enough. The only thing keeping me from killing her was the tiny remaining thread of my self-control.

I was proud of my strength, but disillusioned at the same time.

Eventually, I would snap. And I couldn’t have her touching me when that happened.

I tested a wrist, wincing as the leather bit into my skin. Zel had buckled it so tightly it bruised my bones beneath.

“Get off me. We need to finish,” she ordered.

Instead of obeying, I wrapped my bound arms around her and arched my back, thrusting gently, searching for her.

I groaned as I found her wet heat. “You’ve touched me and I’ve obeyed, but now I need to fuck you. Don’t deny me, Zel.”

Her ass wiggled, trying to dislodge me. Her breasts rose and fell against my chest as I settled deeper into the apex of her legs.

“But it didn’t work. I’d hoped to fix you. I’m not finished.” Her gaze searched mine even as her legs spread, giving me room to sink between them.

My eyes slammed shut as I pressed into her heat. Deeper and deeper. I shivered as her pussy took my full length. “It worked enough.” Opening my eyes, I smiled. “You owe me a reward for behaving.”

She snorted. “Behaving by not killing me you mean.”

“Exactly.” I dropped my head to kiss her. Her mouth opened; her tongue rose to meet mine, and we began to move. Digging my elbows into the mattress on either side of her face, I rocked hard and possessive, claiming her slowly, deliberately.

Her hands landed on my ass. Instantly the headache swarmed with pressure almost buckling my control. My body froze while I focused on how delicate, how breakable, how much I did not want to kill her. “Don’t,” I whispered. “Stop touching me.”

Immediately, her hands dropped.

Rearing back, staring deep into her eyes, I said, “I give you my word I won’t hurt you, but I really need to fuck you, Hazel. Give me your hands.” I thrust upward.

She raised her hands above her head allowing me to capture her wrists with my fingers. The moment she was secured, I dropped one barrier inside my mind. Harnessing a small taste of violence, I surged into her.

She cried out with the brutal thrust, panting as I drove into her. My heart drummed with angry conditioning, fighting with sexual need.

Her legs came up to imprison my hips, pulling me deeper inside.

I growled as a fresh burst of urges filtered through my blood, almost stealing me from reality. But I held on. I focused. I concentrated. I never reverted to Ghost.

“God you feel so good. So tight. So perfect.” I rocked harder, filling her with everything I had. She was mine, and I wanted to mark her to prove it.

Releasing her wrists, I dropped my hands, forcing one finger into her mouth. “Suck it,” I ordered.

Her eyes flared and lips latched around me, dragging me into her mouth. The matching wetness and heat drove me wild. I pumped harder and harder.

“Do you feel me?” I growled, loving the sparking orgasm building in my balls.

She nodded, sucking my finger, biting with sharp, little teeth. Her legs spasmed around my hips. “You taste of metal and smoke. You feel fucking amazing, Fox.”

I groaned. I couldn’t hold off any more.

The sparking release exploded in my belly and I came, filling her with everything left inside me.

She tensed beneath me, throwing her head back as her internal muscles rippled, wave after wave, squeezing my length with delectable strength.

Her body went from rigid to floppy and a small smile twitched her lips.

Cursing the headache and the still insistent conditioning, I kissed Zel on the tip of her nose. “How can I get you to remember?”

She frowned, a sated glow flushing her cheeks. “Remember what?”

Lowering my head, I bit her neck. “To call me Roan.”